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We at Bored Panda recently discovered a discussion on Reddit, started by user Hiircine, who asked: "Parents who regret having kids: why?"
After going through the 5,000 comments it has received so far, we started digging around the internet, to see if the popularity of this thread was a result of the platform's algorithm or if it's a topic that people find really important.
Now that we've done our research, we can confidently say that the latter is true. So we compiled some of the honest confessions and made this list in an attempt to give voice to those who often don't get the chance to explain their opinions
Just remember, you don't need to agree with them to empathize. These are just people who want to tell others how they feel.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
My daughter is severely disabled, to the point where she will never live a normal life. She can’t walk or talk, has a feeding tube and a wheelchair, is legally blind (she can see lights/shapes/colors, but that’s it) and has seizures from an unknown cause, and she’s 6. I’d say her mental development isn’t much more than a few months/to a year old at most. If I’d known that she would be born this way (she starting having seizures at 3 weeks old) I would have had an abortion the moment I found out I was pregnant. She was planned and wanted, and I regret her every day. Not that she isn’t a beautiful person, she’s got so much spunk and personality and she’s got my attitude, but I don’t think for a second that she deserves to live the life that’s been laid out for her. I wish I could do more for her.
S. Stap 2 years ago
Thank you for being so open and honest. I can't imagine how difficult everyday must be. What an amazing mother your little girl has, to wish you could give her more. But honestly, I think your love is enough. I hope somehow you find the time for some R&R and self care. Best wishes
To provide you with an alternative point of view, we contacted Talya Stone, a former public relations specialist turned blogger and the woman behind online journals Motherhood: The Real Deal and 40 Now What — bold and authentic, Stone consistently tackles difficult subjects and, among other topics, has produced plenty of insightful texts on parenting.
"I think it's important to know that couples can make it through the hard times without kids first," Stone told Bored Panda. "So make sacrifices, endure some hard stuff, throw yourself in pressure cooker situations, take on responsibilities you would rather not. This is what all the hard stuff of parenting is about. Having a dog and having to pick up their poo, get up at silly hours to walk them even when you are shattered, and not being able to do a whole bunch of stuff because you decided to have a fur baby is good prep for having a real baby or child!"
"Also, spend time with people with babies and toddlers. Lots of it. You'll see what life on the frontline of being a parent is really like rather than the make-believe stuff in the movies," Stone added.
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#2
Some days it's hard not to regret it. I have a 6 year old with severe ADHD (brain trauma at birth), and an autistic 4 year old still in diapers. My wife is active military and I had to leave a very lucrative job to take care of them. I love them, but occasionally I have to chant that to remind myself that I do.
#3
All you need is a special needs kid to think something along the lines of "I wouldn't want him to die or anything, but if I could go back to before he was conceived I'd do things differently."
the 22nd pilot 2 years ago
the reason I hid almost everything from my parents during my childhood/teen years---I didn't want to be *that problem kid*
Contrary to what many expected, birth rates in the United States dropped during the COVID-19 pandemic amid the twin public health and economic crises, lending evidence to predictions from early on in the outbreak that economic uncertainty might trigger a baby bust.
This continued the downward trend in U.S. fertility rates, which were already at a record low before the pandemic began.
#4
Because kids aren't the life completer we believe they are. Actually they take away from your quality of life daily. My kids are 13 and 11 and they STILL mess up my daily life. Worst of all is I love them so much I couldn't do without them even though they disturb my peace all the time. I do not reccomend having children. Maybe one but not necessary. We perpetuate the species needlessly.
A 2021 Pew Research Center survey discovered that a rising share of U.S. adults who are not already parents say they are unlikely to ever have children, and their reasons range from just not wanting to have kids to concerns about climate change and the environment.
Some 44% of non-parents ages 18 to 49 say it is not too or not at all likely that they will have children someday, an increase of 7 percentage points from the 37% who said the same in a 2018 survey.
#5
I feel like it has destroyed my marriage. Both of us have changed since our child was born and I'm afraid the people we've become are not as compatible as the people we used to be. We never talk to each other, we never do anything together, and the very, very infrequent sex is basically her attempt to maintain her ability to claim she makes an effort in our relationship. Any communication that happens between us is about logistics regarding our child. I understand there is a brief period after birth where everyone needs to adjust but it has been over 4 years now.
I love my child more than anyone else on Earth, same for my wife. But I miss having a companion in life. If I had known it would be like this, I don't think I would have made the same decisions.
Aboredpanda 2 years ago
I'd say it was time for a theraphist if you can't sort it out on your own.
However, parents and childfree people often view each other as enemies and get into heated arguments that can be easily avoided.
Talya Stone believes that both groups should have more empathy.
"Before I had children, I had no idea why someone wouldn't want a child. Then I had a child, had all my freedoms whipped from underneath me, and I got it," she said. "There are a lot of reasons people choose not to have children these days, and they should all be respected and never questioned."
"Likewise, childfree people need to respect someone's choice to want to become a parent. There should be no judgment from either side. The best strategy is to inwardly agree that you get it, but it's not for you... no rubbing anyone's faces in it!" she added.
#6
Losing so much of yourself, your partner, and your freedom is what's worst in the beginning, but as my children get older, I'm realizing how fatherhood has revealed the worst parts of my character. Petty, angry, short-tempered, remote...I don't recognize the person I have become; I'm afraid I've been unequal to the task of parenthood, and in the process it turned me into less of a person.
Ladytron 2 years ago
I would say - if you feel this way you need to seek help. Sooner rather than later. I am a social worker and work at the equivalent of CPS. This is VERY common among frustrated parents but is a strong warning sign that things can get worse quickly (especially anger). Seek help now rather than when it's too late.
#7
When my kids were young, Columbine happened. I realized that I had brought kids into a terrible world. I regretted it for a long time.
Then they had heartbreak from young love, and I regretted it again.
I hated that me wanting kids of my own caused those kids to hurt in a way I couldn't protect them from.
But they've grown up to be happy, healthy independent adults and I'm very proud of who they have become.
#8
My life turned into a living hell when my oldest son was a teenager.
He started using drugs at 14, he was arrested for breaking into cars at around the same age. Things continued to escalate and we had no control of him, we tried everything. He continued to use drugs, he sold drugs. The state of Florida has a law that the parents are responsible for the minor until the age of 18. He could not be emancipated because he was not financially independent and we couldn't afford to support him outside of our home. So we were forced to keep him in our home. It was 4 years of living hell, I had 2 breakdowns and our marriage was torn apart. He was a good kid until age 14, smart in school, and neither my husband nor I used drugs. There's no guarantee how your kid will turn out.
Biliegh Berrie 2 years ago
I have never understood blaming the parents for a child's behaviour.
#9
It fills me with fear and worry about their future. It's like having your heart outside of your body. I don't want to live but I have to for their sake, and I know there's so much out there I can't protect them from.
Deborah Harris 2 years ago
This is so near to how I feel and have felt with depression I sincerely hope this person finds the help they need xx
#10
I can't say I "regret" having had kids, but I often think my life would be better had I not. Parenting is difficult under the best circumstances, but it's a roll of the dice. If you have a child with medical or developmental problems it is a tremendous drain. I feel like I've aged about 20 years in the last 5, like I'm just a ghost of my former self.
#11
I wasn't ready to stop being selfish. I'm only two years in so it's still the intense stage, but parenting so far has just been relentlessly exhausting. I feel like having a kid closed off a lot of possibilities for me, definitely [took out] any semblance of spontaneity in my life.
Ladytron 2 years ago
I felt this way a lot when my first two were young. (I did have them before I was nearly ready to be over with having fun in life too...)I do think it's important to mention though that that most intense stage, for most parents (sadly not guaranteed if your kid has special needs) will mellow out a lot when they get just a little older (first 3 years are most intense). You will be able to do things for you again (like sleep working out, go to the toilet alone, or cook without someone grabbing your legs). You will be able to talk with your kid and figure out things together. I know it can FEEL like life is OVER when they are young because they need you every second but it's not. (I will probably get downvoted for this because Bp is mainly a childfree space (and this is NOT pushing having kids on someone who don't want them - totally believe in freedom of choice) i just wanted to say this in case someone is struggling right now and wanted some comfort in knowing things will get better)
#12
I love both my sons but if I could do it all again I wouldn't. I got pregnant young and did not know that I would pass my bipolar onto them. They both suffer from really bad depression. Trying to raise them when I was in and out of hospitals was hard and did them a disservice.
Now they are grown and they rarely make time for me. Mother's Day and my birthday is a quick text or mention on Facebook. My youngest tells me I'm the only family member that accepts him when he has mental issues but that's the only time I ever hear from him. The oldest is even worse. I cry on a regular basis that I wish they would be closer to me.
Long story short I did my best but it didn't matter.
Sarah Matt 2 years ago
I am 33 years old. I remember writing in my childhood journal that I would not treat my kids as my parents treated me (middle child drama) That sentiment changed drastically as I entered my teens. Bipolar reared it's ugly head. My parents have always done the best they could for me and my siblings. My mother and siblings have celiac disease, I've got allergies even more annoying and difficult. In short: my mental health even as an adult is a balancing at form, most environmental and food stuffs hurt me even though I need them to survive. I don't want to pass my near sighted allergic to life genes onto a future generation. I'm the back of the pack animal. First to be picked off. My partner is allergic to Himself! His own sweat. When anyone asks why we aren't planning on having kids,I laugh. I am incompatible with most of our environment and nourishment, he is incompatible with his own body. If we were to create life together.. that child would have to be a black hole. Or positively, some super-powered recessive being.
#13
I love my children more than anything else in this world. Words can not describe the type of love I feel for them. But at the same time, I do regret having them. I regret being the person that I have become as a parent. I was always carefree and spur of the moment.. now I'm careful and if plans aren't set in stone, they likely won't happen.
I always said I would never have children. I hate kids..I do. I am just not that type of nurturing person. I was always very careful to make sure protection was in use (condoms, birth control) but I am that .1% and apparently very fertile.
I do not have that natural motherly instinct that all women seem to have, you know..that one that kicks in the moment they know they're pregnant. I have to work really hard at it and it's exhausting. I miss my solitude and being able to "check out" of reality from time to time.
With all that being said, there is not a thing I wouldn't do for my children. They will always be my babies. They are amazing little creatures. My boys play travel baseball and I wouldn't trade long nights at the ball fields for anything. Watching them play is one of the greatest joys in my life. Still, I often find myself wondering what life would be like without them.
#14
I can pretty much echo everyone else's responses. It's even harder when you're a strong introvert. It's driven me into on again/off again depression. I've been on medication since our first one was born. The 2nd one was a stupid mistake (plan B also didn't work). I've since got a vasectomy, although I should've gotten one after the 1st was born. Stuck with an infant and a toddler now. I'm also a father who stays at home, so that comes with its own societal b******t. I've been shopping at Target with my kid by myself and gotten comments like "It's just weird seeing a dad doing the shopping." Go f**k yourself.
#15
I didn't realize that a maternal instinct is not universal. You know how you see parents in the delivery room and they are crying tears of joy? I felt nothing. Honestly, I could have left them at the hospital and it wouldn't have bothered me. I usually have no desire to spend time with them at all. I love them and have a strong sense of duty I just don't enjoy them or want to do any of the things they do. However I spent their whole lives going out of my way to care for them in every way a good mother should. My boys are well cared for and I am always here for them, but it feels very unnatural and fake and unenjoyable. It is a bit like a retail job you don't like where you put on a fake persona and slog through it the best you can. I don't get to leave this job, though. The worst is how I'm demonized for it. I've done eveverything I can for them for 16 years including all the extra curriculars (kids baseball is agonizing to fake enjoy I swear) and it has never been easy. Shouldn't I get more credit than those moms who love nothing more than spending time with their kids? That doesn't sound hard to me. Nope..I fail because I want my own life.
#16
Destroyed marriage via:
* Forget passionate love make (it becomes a chore) when kids start walking
* The things you did together, you can no longer do, together, or very rarely
* The things you enjoyed individually, can not be replicated either
* Forget unwind time, personal space, etc...
* Over years people change, and nothing accelerates change as having another depend being (or three).
That's for the marriage bit.
Then there's work/life balance which goes out the f*****g door.
The stress at work, and the increasing stress of job market, you do not have the luxury of coming come to
dissipate. What happens is that you come home after a nasty, stressful day, and the stress is COMPOUNDED
with home/kids problems. Have that for years...
I love my kids, I'd STILL have them, but there are sacrifices people are not prepared for. I've seen marriages destroyed, homes destroyed, I've seen mental breakdowns, drugs usage, etc...
Colin Timp 2 years ago (edited)
This is why I believe that you should choose a partner that is very much your best friend. You should be with the person that you enjoy being BORED with; not the person you have adventures with. People often choose a mate based on interests that will no longer be part of your life after you have kids. Unless you have significant means, you're not going to spend your weekends at fancy restaurants, skydiving, rock climbing etc. You're going to be doing housework and watching Netflix in pajama pants. Find someone you enjoy mundane life with. 25 years of marriage speaking here.
#17
Although I've always loved being around kids (I was the guy playing with all the kids at any party) and they seemed to take to me, I knew I never wanted to have any of my own. Fortunately, my wife felt similarly... until she neared 40, and then went kind of crazy with this newfound unquenchable desire for motherhood. We had trouble getting pregnant at that age, and rounds of IVF ensued; following several, one was successful, after huge time, financial, and emotional costs. Our son came along, and was healthy and quite adorable. Major success story from the outside, right?
I was immediately plunged into a seemingly endless spiral of resentment and depression (the real kind, clinical, requiring seeing a psychiatrist and going on medication). I knew at a profound level that I Did Not Want This. It completely destroyed spontaneity and flexibility; everything needed planning, and our son like all very small children needed to be watched pretty much 24/7. All our friendships were put on hold, since getting out of the house even for planned things was difficult. Work and other obligations were missed whenever he got the sniffles. As he grew, things got better, somewhat. There were all manner of pointless activities that he didn't care much about (karate, swimming, 20 other things), constant trips to school, play date planning, things that, as far as I can tell, nearly every parent dislikes, and only few are vocally honest about.
The therapist told me that this was much more common than I'd guess, but there was a huge taboo about saying you simply hated being a parent. So, I googled "I hate being a parent" and, Lo: it was all over the place. People overcome by tedium and regret.
Boerenhond 2 years ago
I hate that too, so they don't have 20 activities (is this guy a millionair? Can't even pay one activity). Forced to stay at home? We had our own activities outside mainly.
#18
My daughter was born mentally disabled. I alway tell myself it could be worse, that there are kids who just shake back and forth in wheelchairs... thing is she is happy now but has no concept of death and I can only imagine what it will be like when her mother and I are gone. She will be institutialized and abused probably.
Natasha 2 years ago
I feel very sad to hear your pain. I don't know what country you live in, in terms of what they offer into care homes. In Australia there are independent living group homes that have either live in carers or carers who visit daily depending on the disability level. It may be worth looking at transitioning her into care long before you can't care for her anymore - if that is a satisfactory option. Again, while no consolation, I appreciate your honesty and the mental anguish you must be going through.
#19
It's like having a pet.
Except you have to feed, cloth, nurture, medicate, educate, enlighten, entertain, and always be there for them.
In short, it's a full time job that requires zero qualifications, the pay is potentially amazing and potencially horrible, and if you mess up badly enough you're going to jail.
#20
I had kids because it was expected in the religion I was raised in. Now I’m 31 with 4 kids ages 10, 9, 7, and 4. Left the religion but my 9 year old is disabled, completely nonverbal and in diapers. Will never be able to live independently. My youngest 2 have big speech delays. Honestly I’m just exhausted. I didn’t start dealing with my mental health issues until a few years ago and now I’m in a better place but with the realization that I mentally probably shouldn’t have had kids. Or at least not so many. On my bad days I really wish I would’ve left the church after marrying my husband but before having kids. It’s just so hard. I can’t ever let my guard down. Our house has multiple locks on every door, window, cabinet, fridge, you name it. My 9 year old has no concept of danger and will run off given any opportunity. One time the front door was left unlocked. I went pee and he had left the house and gone to the neighbors house. And there’s no end in sight. This is my life now. Until I die. I will never ever let my kids see this side of me, they will always be loved and provided for. This is my s**t to deal with not theirs. Just a hard pill to swallow.
#21
Definitely don’t regret having mine, they’re awesome and they make my life wonderful.
That said, I sometimes feel guilty about the world I have brought them into, and wonder about whether having kids in general (bringing innocents into a world where they will definitely suffer) isn’t immoral.
Channon Doughty 2 years ago
At this point, yeah, it is just a bit selfish, knowing what climate change is bringing
#22
I don't regret it completely. But it is not the glowing contentment some would lead you to believe. I don't look forward to tucking her in night cause by then I'm beyond exhausted and have already read her her favorite book 20 x today. Shes 2 now and it's more like wrangling a monkey 24-7. Even the happiest monkey wranglers need a day off. Dont get me wrong: I love and respect her. But kids are not rational and reasonable.
I might feel better about it if our society recognized raising a child as worthwhile use of time. I choose to stay at home rather than let a daycare raise my child. I'm frequently asked when I'm going to "look for work". I know some of my friends look down on me because I'm putting family ahead of a slightly higher income. Some people think it's funny to joke with me how I don't have to "go to work" and how I enjoy "so much free time".
if you go out in public, expect someone to have a rude comment or sneer no matter what parenting style you use to solve a problem. Be prepared to hear that no matter what you do, you're not parenting right.
expect not to be promoted or hired if you're female with a pregnancy or young children. Maybe it's not legal but labor laws being what they are, employers don't care. Miss too many of work due to a sick child and you may end up unemployed.
We are a lot worse off financially than some would have you believe. And this is a planned healthy pregnancy and us having money in the bank first. I wish the stupid parenting blogs would stop saying kids aren't that expensive. Do you know that daycare costs more than state college tuition in many parts of the country?
So, having kids is great -- if you want to work 7 days a week, be short on sleep, not be appreciated, be BROKE, and have strangers making judgments.
#24
I think every parent regrets it at some point whether it's a flitting thought that is there and gone or a long conversation you have with yourself. Because it's f*****g hard work. I worked some shitty hard labor jobs when I was younger and none of them compare to being a parent, especially a full-time parent.
When you're up late cleaning puke out of the carpets for the fifth time in an hour; when you're running on 8 hours of sleep over the last three days and you feel like you just took acid to help with a hangover; when they're screaming bloody murder because you said they can't eat that cactus; when they purposely test the limits of your patience; when they're rude or ungrateful little shits despite living a life a thousand times better than you did.
It's as natural as the love you feel when they smile at you or laugh at something you did or cuddle up to you or do something for the first time and give you that feeling of "I did it, my human is humaning!"
You are a God to this tiny little person but you are also their Slave. It's easy to lose sight of yourself and/or your partner when you have this responsibility on your shoulders and it's easy to blame the kid for it.
Especially if you have kids too young. I was 26 when my son was born, and I had a lot of fun in those years of child-free adulthood. A lot of f*****g fun. And literally every person I know who had a kid before 21 has turned out to be a shitty parent, because they never get to experience being an adult.
Anyway, I got too high while writing this and forgot my point.
#25
This entire thread should be taught in high school sex ed. Most people don't realize what having a child is actually like. It is hard. It will change your life and relationships. It is not bad, people just need to have a more realistic understanding of what's involved.
I had son that was born when I was 18, he is now 11. I was a kid, I did not do well with parenting and correctly sacrificing to work with his mother. We lasted about a year after he was born. I still get to hang out with him every-other weekend and talk to him on the phone when I can. I am 30 now and have a 7 mo with a woman I love. I was prepared this time. I learned everything I could about the birth process and newborns. I continue to learn every day. It is just amazing. Don't get me wrong, my wife and I are tired all the time, we don't have sex as often, or see our friends often enough but I was prepared for that. Life is a wonderful f****d up journey, educate yourself the best you can and do the best you can with the rest.
#26
Late to the party but hey ho.
I was a mother of three. The things that are often mentioned about lack of sleep, autonomy, money etc. are all valid. And they last much, much longer than you expect and they can drive you to near suicide at times. Especially when the second comes along and you're still not getting nearly enough sleep but now you have two on completely different schedules. But they do end, eventually.
But, and this is a big but, my biggest regret is my youngest, because she died at age 6. She had a brain tumour which made her blind and adversely affected her behaviour and she consumed my time and energy completely. Her loss nearly destroyed our family. I would not know the pain that I still feel if she had not been born, and I would not experience the guilt of feeling that things, on a practical level anyway, are now easier without her.
#27
I regret it because I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable. I feel like I got pressured into it by my wife. She wouldn't take no for an answer. Well we got f****d on the first pregnancy and had twins. Had only been married a year ish. After that my marriage went way past the s**tter and just got worse. After a while it got better and then she wanted another kid. I still didn't want the first two but I gave in. Now we have three. I'm even more miserable. I feel stuck and I can't please everyone. I work a s**t ton so my wife has them most of the time. Whenever I discipline them she screams at me because I'm not doing it her way. I'm constantly belittled by her and always told I'm doing something wrong. I actually hate my life. I've contemplated offing myself a few times but would feel bad for doing that to my kids. NOT my wife, my kids. I wake up every day hating myself, my life, and every f*****g choice I've ever made. If I could go back in time I would beat the s**t out of myself with a crowbar for even contemplating getting married. Literally would do anything to start over and be single for ever. I'm only 25 but I never would have thought I would hate life this much when I was 18.
Channon Doughty 2 years ago
For the love of God why do people get serious without clearing up the kid issue? Don't want any? Don't date someone who does. I always told, and no later than the 3rd date. I had to because I could never be pregnant or have a baby. *shudders*
#28
Three words: Pervasive developmental delay...
Those three words call my entire existence into question. I basically brought someone into this world to have a sh**ty time.
Kathi Schäffer 2 years ago
Covering up a mean comment with love 💕 If you haven't lived through it, how dare you judge someone??
#29
I love my son, but I'm just not cut out for the single mom life. I had kind of a nervous breakdown a few weeks ago and now my family is finally helping out with him. Before that it was 10 months with him, by myself, for 24 hours a day. I begged my family for help. Got nothing. So I lost it and tried to off myself. I just barely lived, and now they help with my son.
I hate myself for all this. I just hate myself so much.
R.k. White 2 years ago
No darling, you are doing the best you can. Be as good to yourself as you can, you are worthy and wonderful! ❤️
#30
I don’t regret it per se, however I was pregnant with my first child when I was 19 (36 now) so I’ve lived my entire adult life being a parent. I’ve missed out on a lot and they’ve missed out on a lot with me not being ready and wise enough to be a good parent. It’s very exhausting and tiring. I used to spend a lot of time regretting having children, but I feel like I’m on the home stretch now. Almost. Having said all of this, I adore my kids with my all my heart and I have a super special relationship with my youngest. All in all I say parenting is like an elevator. It has its ups and downs.
#31
I don't want to say I regret having kids but in a way, I do regret it. Our boys are wonderful but I don't get the help or support my husband promised. I wanted the husband, the kids, the works and my husband insisted he wanted the same thing. He was the one who initiated the child conversation and said he wanted a big family. He insisted he wanted to be hands on. Now, we have our 2 and I hardly see him and he barely participates in their upbringing. I honestly don't know how we're going to get them potty trained because I work full time and I don't know that my husband will step up. I feel horrible for our kids because I'm doing the best I can but they're not getting the life they were supposed to. My mental health is garbage and my husband doesn't care. I love our boys but knowing what I know now, I don't know that I would choose to do it again. I have no intention of discontinuing my birth control until menopause.
#32
I was trapped via pregnancy. Was dating a girl at the time and we had been on / off for awhile and things weren't looking good for us long term. Mostly because she was a compulsive liar but that's not the point here. She stopped taking her birth control on purpose in order to try to have a baby with me and it worked.
So now here I am almost 4 years later now single (she cheated on me with everyone, Eskimo brothers in here?) with an amazing son who I love dearly but I dream of my old life every day. Now I only get to see him on the weekends (I get him every weekend) so I get to work all week and then be a single dad on the weekends. I still get to do things during the week but I'm often depressed and stay home during that time because I miss my son.
I've never felt more alone
Aboredpanda 2 years ago
You were trapped... But did you use birth control? Even on the pill a woman can get pregnant, so if men are really scared of this they need to use a condom. Ultimately both people created that baby, so it's a cop-out saying one was baby-trapped.
#33
It's not that I regret having her, but if I could wrap her in cotton wool and bubble wrap, put her in a cupboard for ten years with the guarantee that I'll get the same child then I without a doubt would.
Parenthood is just not what I expected it to be. I mean people told me that you have to make sacrifices when you become a parent but because I had never really made any sacrifices before having her, I had no idea what that might entail or feel like. I also thought I wouldn't mind missing out on all the partying and holidays because I would have the ultimate gift, a child but I have found that also to be untrue. I do mind missing out on the partying and holidays, and therefore I try to cram as much as that in as I can still, which makes my quality time with my child few and far between. Yes I have her 5 nights a week, I feed her, bathe her, teach her, discipline her, put her to bed but I mean proper quality time I feel she misses out on because sometimes I have no desire as I'd rather be elsewhere.
I feel constantly guilty because I'm not putting my all in to be the best Mummy I could be, how I imagined myself to be and I feel she is missing out. Before I had her I always wanted 3 children, now 1 is enough for me, I don't want anymore.
Like I said I wouldn't use the word regret but if I could have taken a glimpse into what parenthood really, really is like before I fell pregnant, I would have been a lot more careful. People can tell you but nothing can really prepare you for what it is really like. It is a 24/7 hands down the toughest most exhausting job ever.
#34
I did, when they were little, it's just soooo hard. I had prolonged post-partum depression; I don't know how relevant that is. Now that they are school-age, things are infinitely better and I am glad to be a parent.
#35
I'm a parent that mostly doesn't regret, but there's a constant stress. Money concerns are not fun, but there's a lot of other stuff too. Toddlers can choke or get kidnapped. Older children can get molested. New drivers can die in a crash (happened a couple times at my high school). Teenage pregnancies. Seems like there's always something to worry about.
#36
...got two kids... both teenagers now. The eldest has anxiety and depression... sometimes I wonder how my wife and I have managed to stay married through it all. We love both our kids more than anything, but having one with mental health issues is just exhausting. You start to anticipate the crazy as you're driving home from work. Almost nothing gets her out of her moods, and it weighs heavy on all the relationships in the household. She does therapy and meds, and they help some, but it's like she's just hell bent on seeing the worst possible view of everything. So then you imagine the life that this person you love is likely to lead, given this tendency, and it's just depressing. It gets hard to maintain hope.
"Regret" is a strong word, but if we could go back to when she was little and happy, and just stay there, it would be a lot better.
Vain Black 2 years ago
Teenage brain is changing dramatically. As a former impossible mental teen I have the perfect life now - almost exactly what I dreamed I'd have and I've still got time to accomplish the rest.
#37
I will start by saying I never wanted kids. I was married at 20, had my first kid by 21, second kid by 22. First kid is out on his own.. And let me tell you his 18th birthday couldn't come fast enough so he could move out. Second kid is moderately to severely affected by autism. She will never hold a job or live on her own. I never got to enjoy my 20's or 30's. I never will be able to take the amazing vacations that my friends all plaster Facebook with. I will never have free time with my husband because no one wants to watch an autistic low functioning 20 year old. Hell, there's not even leaving her at home alone for a few hours to go shopping or watch a movie or anything. My husband had to quit his job to become a stay at home dad for her because there are no decent services for adults with autism. We had to move away from friends and family just to find a decent school for her. Kids take so much time and money and energy. Having a disabled one is even more physically and mentally draining. I love my children. More than I can ever express. They never asked to be brought into this world. I have an obligation to care for my daughter because no one else will. There will never be an end for us as far as "raising" our kid then having her leave home so we can live our lives. I do become sad about missing out on things. Adventures and trips and vacations. But we modify our plans to include her. We are lucky because our daughter is sweet and a lovely girl. I can't even imagine how hard life is for her. I at least am able to make my own choices, have friends, and work and love. These things are probably not going to be available to her. So I guess I don't really regret having kids, I regret having a child who has to live every day with autism. For her, not me.
Thomas Hunt, Jr. 2 years ago
With some autism changes as they grow older. I'd be careful about believing docs...especially in this day and age. Remember when people thought that "retardation" meant sticking em in an insane asylum? Ok, extreme example, but look at how far we as a society have come from that deplorable viewpoint. Personally I believe that autism gets a bad reputation. I've known some people who were deemed unfit to care for themselves even as teenagers and yet they're making it in the outside world in their 30s. Sure, they're not the best communicators, but it beats loving with parents all the time. Never give up on your children, fight for what they could become. That's my advice. And yes, I'm on the spectrum as well. Royally sucks when you have family who can't accept your mental faults and refuses to ever support you. Good way to feel like c**p...and.im 45 years old too.
#38
I regret having my son because of my mental illness. Not only does it make parenting a hundred times harder, I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt that my kid may inherit it. It's something I would never wish upon anyone, yet I unknowingly did it to the person I love most in the world (I wasn't diagnosed until he was 3.)
There are days where I can hardly take care of myself, and sometimes I'm resentful that I have to take care of him first. Thankfully I've been on meds/in therapy for a few years now and those days don't happen often, but it was so much harder when he was younger and needed me more.
I love him more than words can express and he's my favorite person in the world. As backwards as it seems, that's exactly why I regret it sometimes.
Sammie 19 2 years ago
I was 6 months pregnant with our 3rd child when my ex was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. They are all in their 20s now and prime age for symptoms to start appearing. I myself was diagnosed with fibromyalgia at 26 and in my early 30s with Borderline personality disorder. If I'd known that before getting pregnant I would never have had biological children. Now I'm scared for my grandkids as well. Plus middle daughter is a narcissistic sociopath. She had a baby in February this year who I've never met because of how my md is. No contact with md at all which is why she is punishing us.
#39
Children are a challenge. My wife and I have a one year old son, and he's just big enough to scotch to places he shouldn't be (my wife caught him eating cat food a week ago). He's loud, and loves to yell at us if we dont pay attention to him. He will throw a fit if we dont change his diaper at the faintest Sign of wetness, and with daylight savings, he now has trouble going to sleep at 7:00. We're just on the verge of being done with formula.
Do you know how much formula costs? We spend about $30/week on it. Jar food is only about $0.70/jar, but he's a chow hound, so he'll easily go through one a meal AND oatmeal, so food costs probably close to $80/month beyond formula if we find good sales and stock up. Diapers? A $40 economy size box might last a month unless he's sick or drinks a lot of liquid. Wipes about $20 per month. We're lucky he has two grandparents who love to spoil him with clothes, so we've been able to limit our clothes purchases.
Now that I've said that, think about holding a 15 lb box. Not bad, right? How about holding that box for 10 minutes? Now your arms are a little tired. Now assume you have to hold that box for several times a day, and it now has arms and legs, and wants to squirm and wiggle when you've held it too long. Caring for a baby is a work-out, except it doesn't keep you in shape, and give you the worst back aches & strains.
I say all this, but want to clarify that I NEVER regretted having my son. He's all these things, plus a lot of unique challenges that have came from his existence, but the joy he brings my wife and I more than makes up for all of it. His smiles, laughs, babbling, and watching him grow have been some of the most rewarding experiences of our lives, and something I will cherish until I die.
Biliegh Berrie 2 years ago
One a meal? This dudes in for a rude awakening when the child gets older and starts eating enough for like two or three people. Lol...
#40
Because I feel like I'm in a continuous loop of servitude, wherein I can't even be myself. I feel like I'm working off a brutal student loan debt that the interest rate keeps increasing, and if I don't make prompt payments people's lives are at stake.
#41
I love my boys more than I ever thought I could. However... it's Saturday night and I'm covered in baby vomit with the baby refusing to sleep anywhere else but on me. He will wake about 3 times between now and when the toddler wakes at 6am. I'm carrying 20kg more than I'm comfortable with and have no clothes that fit. I feel guilt for so many choices I make.
There are times I regret having my second baby because it's so hard to juggle the needs of two and still find time for my needs. People tell me it will get easier but for now, I'm hating it.
Lauren S 2 years ago
*hugs* It sounds like you are doing an amazing job! You are allowed to hate the hard parts and still be a great parent. Of course the vomit and sleep deprivation part is awful. I really like that you see you need to find time for your needs. Good for you! Hopefully finding that time will become easier.
#42
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
I don't care about my son.
I got my then gf pregnant by accident, and her being her Christian self didn't want to abort it. Our relationship was always off the wall, she always had plans for our "future", but I didn't even want to marry her, but I never told her.
Boom comes baby, I loved him to death since I first laid eyes on him. I bought him everything I could, everything was for him. GF has post partum depression and tells me she doesn't love me anymore, I tell her it's the depression talking, so we try to mend it. A year later she cheats and leaves me, moves to 7 different states and takes baby. I try to track her down but in the end it was futile. I was heartbroken from her, and especially my son.
7 years later she goes back to live in my hometown and says she wants me to see my son (in the end it was only because she wanted child support). I had already moved on, made my career in engineering, got married, and we have a beautiful baby girl on the way. She takes my son and we finally meet, it was really awkward and I didn't know what to say. He spends every other week with me, but it's like having a stranger in the house. It's been 2 years of this and I don't feel any connection to him. He's a good kid, doesn't pull any tantrums, is respectful, loves his sister, but I just don't love him. It makes me feel guilty. I don't really regret him, per se, but to me, he just feels like an outsider from a life I tried to move on from.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 2 years ago
Keep being there for him. Maybe you can both be friends when he's older, but not if you quit now
#43
Parenting is a pain in the a**.
Anybody would tell you that I am a great dad and I love and care for my kid to no end.
But I absolutely am not having another one. They have a way of making your life about them. There are no days off.
I remember a time my wife and I could just leave at 3 in the morning to grab a snack. Not anymore.
We could fly to a different country without having to stay up on the whole plane ride with the kid. Have you ever had jetlag? That is some serious sleep and imagine not being able to get that sleep because your toddler is up and ready to go.
They are demanding. They need all your attention. They are expensive.
They are also cute and show you love and affection like nobody else. They are forgiving and often easily happy.
But I just know that I am not cut out for it. The one I have, I’ll give him the world. But I am not having any more.
#44
My kids are grown; our son won't talk to us (not even to say why), our older daughter has psychotic rages and will call us just to scream, and our younger daughter is an alcoholic in an abusive relationship with a schizophrenic who won't take his meds.
But do I regret them? No. I've had more love from them then any regrets they may have given us, and without having them I wouldn't have my Gran'daughter.
#45
Mother of a 19 month old here... I so get this... I'm worn out and beat down by my life. I'm a single mother. If it weren't for my mom footing almost every bill in my life, my daughter and I would be homeless and starving. The basic facts: I can't work because child care is $400 a week and I can't find a job that will make 400 a week do able (working to put my kid in daycare and nothing else) getting a job would deem me ineligible for cash assistance and food stamps ($1200/mo income limit) and the state wouldn't pay my childcare so I couldn't continue going to college full time. The $569 in cash I get from welfare is immediately gone paying CC bills and regular bills (usually left with a negative balance my poor mother fills in the gaps) however I will say my food stamps are enough to get us through the month. I feel so stuck in my cycle I'm in. I try so hard to get a "good" job, but Despite experience and education nobody thinks I'm good enough to answer phones for more that $16 an hour. In the silicone valley that's the lowest livable wage.
TLDR: I'm f*****g broke!
K W 2 years ago
Welfare and Snap food benefits are definitely not set up to actually help people out of poverty in the US. You can have a $50 upward change in income and lose $200 in food stamps. You're not allowed to save money or have assets besides a car (the same is true if you're disabled) so if you need to pay for emergencies you're SOL. And the cut off point to qualify for most full assistance is ridiculously low. So for instance a single parent with one kid is expected to pay for a two bedroom apartment plus all bills, healthcare, some or all child care costs and transportation on about $1600 a month to qualify for full food stamps benefit. You get credit for some of those bills but never full credit and if you get a small raise you typically end up in a much reduced benefit bracket. Like $20 a month vs $350. Obviously $20 is still helpful but a raise can basically have a parent and their kid go from struggling each month to full on food insecurity.
#46
Well, I mainly regret having kids because I'm in a relationship with someone I care very little for. I don't leave because I don't want my kids to be a burden on society. I don't want two little maladjusted devils let loose on society, I made the mistake so its my responsibility to deal with it.
I also don't leave because I know that if I do, then their quality of life will go down greatly. My wench of a mrs comes from a fairly whitetrash / chav / bogan family. Yes, Uncle dad and Aunty mom are in there, the father married the sister of her mother, so she's got brother/sister-cousins as well. Anyway, I know if I leave the old habits will return and the kids will end up suffering.
So I wait. I deal with the endless screeching from her, the illogical arguments ("I don't want you to waste money for a root canal! but I'm fine with you going on a holiday by yourself") the filthy house (throws rubbish on the floors, drives me up the wall.) and the disgusting weight gain. I sit and study, I study my university subjects, I keep going with my language lessons, I plan my escape for when I feel the time is right and it won't be costly to the children.
Oh and I did discuss with my parents quite a while ago that I wanted to leave her. Did I get support? Oh no, I figuratively got thrown under a bus. They rang her and repeated what I told them while saying they'd support her over any decision that I made. I felt such a betrayal over that.
Edit: No, she doesn't work. Quoteth the jabba, "Too much hassle"
Nia Loves Art 2 years ago
I hope these people have divorced at some point in the nine years since this was written.
#47
Not regret, just it's easy without them. On the rare occasions my kids are on sleep overs a single evening can seem like a six week summer break due to not having issues with dinner, getting ready for bed and going to bed. My youngest has night terrors so I think in the last decade or so, even after the baby crying in the night stage, we've had maybe twenty or thirty nights of unbroken sleep. It's just crazy the amount of time, money and energy you put into raising kids.
#49
I became a father when I was 19. The kid ruined my profesional life. I am now 25, stuck in a dead end job, live in a small appartment with her mother, who is now my wife.
I had a plan, I was in the army when my girlfriend got pregnant, after that I got a job with a travel agent as a guide, I was going to take a few years off school to travel the world, then I was going to get back to study.
I still love the child, and I have made two more. Figured when I started so early I should just go with it and get finnished early.
#50
I don't regret having my kids but they sure make it difficult to leave my wife.
If it wasn't for them I would have left a long time ago...
What do you think ?
Ivana Bašić 2 years ago
One of them put it right - "wasn't ready to stop being selfish". Some of these people ended up in a bad situation that couldn't be influenced, but someone saying a small child ruined their marriage... Hun, you and your partner weren't two mature adults going in and it would have fallen apart at the first big issue anyway. My parents also blamed me for a lot of things, claiming a 3yo did things to cause them to lose control. In fact, they were just cr**py parents and people and unwilling to grow up a d handle the situation they got themselves into. I'm an adult and they're not in my life anymore, but guess what, their marriage is still bad, because it still consists of two people incapable of taking responsibility and changing their behaviour.
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
I think I'm a rare case then, because I love my kids and would never want to go back to a time without them. They're super funny, smart, and cute. Better than pets. Easier to manage because they understand english. If I was richer I'd have maybe 1-2 more. Great little people. Hoping they go on to achieve great things for the planet.
Transat 2 years ago
You are not a rare case at all. Most parents are very happy to have children, but this reddit post was specifically asking parents who regretted to explain why. And then the people who comment this here on BP, are not at all representative of the general population.
Load More Replies...
Deborah Harris 2 years ago
I had to stop reading these, as I found myself getting upset, some are such a huge cry for help that I genuinely hope that they get the support needed from the members of the reddit community. If anyone here feels that they have just read their own story and feels that they cannot cope please reach out to someone for help, you don't have to feel alone, speak to your social worker or doctor xx
Ivana Bašić 2 years ago
One of them put it right - "wasn't ready to stop being selfish". Some of these people ended up in a bad situation that couldn't be influenced, but someone saying a small child ruined their marriage... Hun, you and your partner weren't two mature adults going in and it would have fallen apart at the first big issue anyway. My parents also blamed me for a lot of things, claiming a 3yo did things to cause them to lose control. In fact, they were just cr**py parents and people and unwilling to grow up a d handle the situation they got themselves into. I'm an adult and they're not in my life anymore, but guess what, their marriage is still bad, because it still consists of two people incapable of taking responsibility and changing their behaviour.
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
I think I'm a rare case then, because I love my kids and would never want to go back to a time without them. They're super funny, smart, and cute. Better than pets. Easier to manage because they understand english. If I was richer I'd have maybe 1-2 more. Great little people. Hoping they go on to achieve great things for the planet.
Transat 2 years ago
You are not a rare case at all. Most parents are very happy to have children, but this reddit post was specifically asking parents who regretted to explain why. And then the people who comment this here on BP, are not at all representative of the general population.
Load More Replies... Deborah Harris 2 years ago
I had to stop reading these, as I found myself getting upset, some are such a huge cry for help that I genuinely hope that they get the support needed from the members of the reddit community. If anyone here feels that they have just read their own story and feels that they cannot cope please reach out to someone for help, you don't have to feel alone, speak to your social worker or doctor xx
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