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If you ask adoptive parents "Why adopt?", they might tell the story of the summer they taught their son to swim, or describe the sound of their daughter's laughter when she's playing in the backyard.
Everyone has their own personal reasons for making this decision, but at its core, you should find one similarity: building a family. Raising another human being and preparing them for the world sounds as challenging as it does rewarding.
However, it can catch you off guard even if you did the homework. To learn more about that, Reddit user TooManyStars asked parents who adopted a child and then regretted it, to share what made them feel this way.
And even though the topic may seem taboo, it can help many to avoid this heartbreaking situation, so we compiled the most honest replies, and are inviting you to read them.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
I’m not a parent but I am an adopted child.
My parents would never say that they regret adopting my siblings and I but I know that they do.
My siblings and I (3 of us total) were in a really bad family situation before. We were taken from our home (for our safety) and were going to be separated.
My adoptive parents had just gotten married. They were married before with kids from those marriages and in their early fifties.
They saved us but sacrificed everything to keep us together. Now that we’re all grown, I see the burden we put on them. They severely delayed their retirement because kids aren’t cheap. They put up with years of us dealing with trauma from our previous life. They gave us everything we needed and more.
All of this while they should have been enjoying the bliss of their new marriage and closing in on the relaxation of their retirement. They didn’t get either of those things.
They got 3 damaged kids.
I don’t know why they did that for us but I am forever grateful. They won’t admit that they regret it but I can only imagine they do.
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#2
I'm the adoptee. My adoptive mom had some kidney problems that prevented her from carrying a child. Or so she thought. She was told later that she could have. She told me that had she known then what she knows now that she wouldn't have adopted me and would have had "her own" children instead. I was about 12 at the time and it was devastating.
The Fabulous Killjoy 2 years ago
You should never say that to a child. That can destroy their entire way they view themselves and make them feel like they can never be loved or have a family.
#3
Actual foster parent here (haven't adopted). I never regret the kids. I completely regret becoming a foster parent, probably mostly because of the county that I did. It's the bureaucratic b******t and the courts and workers that don't care about the kids that I can't stand. I've had some really tough kids, and one had to move because we couldn't keep him safe, but I've loved them all regardless of their behaviors.
#4
Before adopting me, my parents adopted a baby who they quickly learned was deaf. They didn’t feel like they could raise the baby properly so they worked with the adoption agency to find deaf parents who were thrilled to have her instead. At first I thought it was kind of f****d up that my parents would “return” a baby, but it really worked out better for everyone in the end.
#5
I’ve told this story a few times, but we adopted a 3 year old. He had a few behavior issues, which we attributed to trauma and sought appropriate help. He did well for several years, but when he turned 9 he began displaying dangerous behaviors. Hurting animals, hoarding things in his room, making suicidal comments, sexually inappropriate. We ramped up the doc visits and therapy, but he was still admitted to the hospital 3 times before he turned 10. When he was 10, we woke up to our house burning down. He thought it was a party. Spent a few years in a facility, till insurance got sick of paying. They told us we could pay $40k a month to keep him there or bring him home. We have other younger children and his therapist agreed it wasn’t safe. So we refused to pick him up, and now we have a child abuse (for abandonment) record.
Randolph Croft 2 years ago
Psychopaths are real. They're born with Antisocial Personality Disorder - it's not from 'learned experience'... They have no empathy and they don't care about people. There's no fixing it.
#6
I'm the older brother to adopted special-needs twins. They were born drug addicted and 3 months premature.
In the 6 months they lived with their mother before being removed they were physically abused severely. They came to us at 9 months old and in body casts. I was 10.
They didn't talk until they were three. Diapers until age 5. Severe learning disabilities and emotional problems.
They scream-cried all day every day until they were 8. (This had now been the entirety of my adolescence) When they cried they would drop to their knees and bang their heads on the ground HARD. This was an all day thing.
They were violent and hateful toward each other.
They are now in their 30's and have over a dozen children between them that they don't care for.
I'm not going to tell you about the difficulty of having broken siblings or how it effected my development.
I am now 40 and I haven't spoken to any of my siblings in nearly a decade. Crying in any form is a serious trigger for me. I hate children. I got a vasectomy when I was 23. I'm finally in a happy marriage but I can't handle conflict at all. I'm cold and emotionless. I feel like my childhood was taken from me. I will never accept by adopted brothers as family.
#7
A neighbor lost her only child in a car accident when child was 17. Adopted a 6 year old girl, Greta, from a foreign country a few years later when neighbor was 50.
Greta had some emotional & behavioral problems which later turned into psychological problems, neighbor tried various therapists, doctors, drugs etc. Greta ended up running away the first time at 14. And again a few months later. Her main excuse was that she was trying to get back to the family that neighbor "stole" her from. Greta really loved using that as a reason to torture neighbor.
Greta disappeared at 16 for over a year and then neighbor is getting a phone call from a hospital 5 states away. . . .Greta had given birth and seven hours later walked out without the baby but did leave neighbor's name & contact info.
So neighbor is 67 and raising an infant. Greta comes back a year later and basically blackmails neighbor (give her money or she'll steal the baby like neighbor stole Greta). Greta then disappears for a couple of years only to leave another baby in another hospital. Both babies were born addicted to drugs as a special added touch. So neighbor is now in her 80s and is raising two kids who have behavioral & emotional issues.
#8
A woman I worked with had been fostering a ~13 year old girl for over 2 years and had started the adoption process. Girl had a history of trouble with her previous fosters, but had been doing very well with them for the whole time they were fostering her. She was seeing a therapist regularly and everything was shaping up to be a clean adoption process. Then she started acting out suddenly. Hiding things, blaming my coworker and her husband for separating her from her brother, saying she deserved to live with her real mom. She started getting in trouble at school, being disrespectful to her teachers and that sort of thing. They had several emergency sessions with her therapist but the girl shut everyone out.
The final straw was when she accused my coworker's husband of raping her. There was an investigation and she admitted to lying, but obviously they didn't want to risk having someone who would lie like that in the house. It could have ruined her husband's life. The adoption fell through and she went back into the foster care system.
Her therapist said that it's fairly common for children who come from unstable homes to freak out at the prospect of stability once they have it, and begin acting out. Sad situation all around really.
#9
We adopted twins and the experience destroyed our family. Psych admissions, drug use, school expulsions, threats on our lives, starting fires, involvement with gangs, wrecked cars, etc. I could go on. It's the one thing in my life I wish I could undo. We're not alone. I knew one mother in town who deadbolt locked her bedroom door and slept with a knife under her pillow out of fear of her adoptive daughter. Another family had to send their adopted daughter off for a year of residential treatment.
#10
Standard “not my story but...”. My parents best friends adopted a son from Russia as a 2 year old. He is the poster child of fetal alcohol syndrome effects. Violent, learning issues, the shortest temper, the works. His poor (adoptive) parents tried everything. They are great parents and had already raised 3, (two of their own and 1 foster kid). This boy gave them every issue. He was violent and disrespectful towards them, towards teachers, toward fellow students, he couldn’t be controlled. They cried over him a lot. Legally disowned him at 17 after he stabbed their other kid with a kitchen knife
#11
I grew up with a girl who was adopted from Africa, from what turned out to be a super shady agency. They were told they were getting a newborn, she arrived almost a year old and extremely malnourished and neglected. She was terrified of adults, and because of the malnourishment dealt with a lot of pain getting healthy again. The first year was hell, and too much for her adopted dad and he split. By the time I met her she was in kindergarten and a pretty normal, well adjusted kid with a loving and devoted single mom, but I know from my mom that her mom wouldn’t have done it if she knew she would be alone with that unhealthy, unhappy baby. She got remarried when we were in second grade and they adopted another kid a year later, a little girl from China through an agency several parents at our school had used.
#12
A fellow teacher friend could not have kids of her own and her and her husband fostered a child for 5 years and went through the process to adopt him. They were two weeks away from everything being finalized and an aunt came and took the child. The kid (who called the pair mom and dad) and the couple (who thought of the kid as their son) were all destroyed. The aunt had years to come forward and never did and the judge who allowed it was a piece of work. When it comes up she never can decide whether she regrets it or whether it was just a great experience to remember. However, they never fostered again and go to weekly therapy to help them cope.
#13
I’m not the parent. But the sibling of the adopted.
We adopted him when he has 5. Right away there was some behavioral issues but that is to be expected. I mean this kid is getting thrown into a new family and needs time to adjust.
As time goes by, he starts to steal things from me and my biological brother. Lies a lot, and then does some real red flag things like hurting our cats, hit my mom in more than one occasion.
My parents did everything they could for him, therapy, rehabilitation centers, even kept in contact with his biological sister and set up meet ups for them to stay connected.
He was just a terror to my parents, I can’t even explain how much it destroyed me to see my parents be put through everything he did.
In his teens he ends up getting arrested for robbery and destruction of property. When he gets out, Somehow the court systems awards custody to his biological mom and has my parents paying child support to the biological family because legally he is still my parents responsibility. This broke my moms heart.
We(the siblings) are all now adults in our 20s-30s and my dad unexpectedly passed away and when it was time for the funeral, we offered to pay for my adopted brothers flight and he said he would rather have the money that the flight costs then come.
The whole situation is sad. My parents were/are awesome, giving people who completely were dragged through hell emotionally by this kid who doesn’t care.
My dad did admit to me later in life that he does regret adopting him due to the stress it put on him and my mom and how his behavior took away from me and my biological brothers childhood by constantly having to deal with problems he got into which lead to a lot of attention needed to be directed toward the adoptive brother. And my mom won’t admit it, but you can see she has definitely come to terms that he just can’t be saved and he doesn’t want to be.
If I’m being honest, I can’t stand the guy. Haven’t talked to him in 7 years and don’t ever care too.
Nunya Business 2 years ago
The court's decision to award him to his biological mother but have your parents pay child support is the most nonsensical thing I've ever heard of.
#14
I wouldn’t say regret. We have a girl we adopted as a newborn who was unexpectedly (by us) born with FAS. Her violence and impulse control issues as a 4 year old scare me to death for the teenage years.
#15
My parents adopted my brother after 5 years of marriage since they couldn't conceive and really wanted a kid. They adopted him when he was almost a year old, that was mid-80s back when nobody even thought that babies need to be picked up and held to ensure correct mental development. Some time after that they got pregnant and I was born.
So my brother (3 yo at the time of my birth) had some developmental issues and having a sibling made it much worse. He became jealous of the new baby and started bullying the little me. Bullying was only the start and he quickly grew into a classic example of an abuser. We have endured 25 years of mental and physical abuse, and all the while my parents did nothing, just took it like martyrs, because they thought that they picked him so they have to stick to that decision until the end.
My brother's behavior was one of the contributing factors to my father's heart attack and death a few years back. My mother tried coping by developing a drinking problem. One of my grandmas died of a stroke the same day he went over to torment her.
I have left them all to rot with each other and moved out a long time ago. I don't want anything to do with a family that sentenced *me* to a life of abuse because of *their* decisions and stubbornness. I think that man belongs in an isolation ward and not a family home.
I'm sure after all the pain he caused my mother regrets ever adopting that child.
#16
A family member adopted a boy when he was 2-3. The process took forever so he was a bit older by the time everything went through. They were dead set on a white boy so they ended up going through an international adoption agency and ended up going to an orphanage in Russia. I am fairly sure between trying IVF multiple times and the cost of adoption they put themselves in some serious debt. After the adoption it was obvious that much of the paper work was falsified, history of the mother was falsified, so basically a stereotypical Russian movie adoption experience.
Physically he is healthy but it became obvious he had developmental, speech issues, anger issues, and autistic tenancies. He is 12 now and my family member has done everything possible to pretend that he is fine because he refuses to have a child labeled as special needs. I am fairly certain they've switched schools when teachers recommend putting him in a program.
My family members wanted a perfect child and did everything in their power to give off that impression to the detriment of the kid. With the right support early on he could have had potential, but their regret and denial essentially setup the kid for failure.
April Burrows 2 years ago
Thank you to the first person to acknowledge that not all of these cases are a "troubled deviant child's" fault.
#17
Kinda the reverse for me. My mom had me and tried to give me away until I was 4 years old. My dad kept stopping her.
#18
I have two adopted sisters (biological sisters) who came to live with us when they were 3 and 4. Within the first week they were calling both my parents "b***h" and using other foul language.
Over the years we discovered they both had FAS, one is bipolar and one has Borderline Personality Disorder. They made our lives a constant living nightmare. Any family event that wasn't focused on them would BECOME focused on them, because they do anything to get attention, especially negative attention. I grew to hate most holidays, and especially my birthday, because it would turn into a great big fight.
I don't think my mom regrets adopting, but maybe regrets how she handled things. She's a very forgiving and benefit-of-the-doubt kind of person. I know my dad regrets it, and the majority of their biological kids do. I certainly regret telling my parents I'd be ok with them living with us.
Sammie 19 2 years ago
I have bpd and I would rather have no attention at all, from being a child I'd rather be in a room by myself reading than being with others, even family. Even as an adult I am still the same. My middle daughter who is a narcissistic sociopath tried to force me to be at her huge wedding, front and centre with her even though she knew I couldn't do it, just so she could say that I was awful for not wanting to support her. I did but knew I couldn't do it in that way so I stayed home. It's better that way.
#19
An old friend and her husband adopted a child from Korea. The orphanage told them she was healthy and her Mom was just too poor to take care of her. They had already adopted a kid from Korea and that girl is a good kid, bright and fun. So they didn't worry too much.
Turns out they lied to them. That girl had a lot of physical and mental problems. She has severe mental delays and needs 24 hours care. She throws huge tantrums and hits everyone around. Doctors think her biological Mother was probably on drugs when she had her.
She caused them so much stress that it broke their marriage. They couldn't agree about what to do with her. None of them wants full custody and their older daughter doesn't want to live with her; she's tired of getting hit for no reason. Last time I heard from her they were looking for permanent placement in a private in patient care facility.
#20
Well I'm not the parent but..
I was adopted and sometimes I regret it. I'm a Korean adoptee living in America and let me tell you, I wish I was still in Korea. Besides the racism and stuff that came from living in a white community, the endless questions like "Are you adopted?" really cut deep.
Sidenote: sometimes I get the worst flashbacks ever and they're mainly because of racism and stuff against Asians in regards to the fist parts.
Susie Kamper 2 years ago
Yeah I get that. I’m from Denmark. A good friend of mine (he’s adopted from Korea) and I went to Berlin/Germany a few weeks ago. On our way back we got pulled over at the border Germany/Denmark. This has never ever happened to me before. But yeah 3 policemen came over, checked passports, asked a million questions, searched the car. Found absolutely nothing and told us to have a safe drive home. My friend told me this has happened to him every single time he’s crossed the border.
#21
I don't know if it was adoption or foster care, but when I was younger my aunt and uncle were looking after a boy. They didn't have him for long because he ended up chasing my uncle around the house with a knife.
#22
It wasn’t me, but my neighbors when I was about 10 years old adopted a girl that was my age. They already had 3 other adopted children and 1 that was actually their own. This poor girl was 10 years old and they changed her name from something that she went by her whole life. She had a whole slew of issues, but what topped it off was when she started developing a crush on one of her adopted brothers. The mother and the son caught the adopted daughter watching him sleep multiple times. And there was a few times where she would hold him down and tickle him inappropriately. He was only 8 years old. I think the cherry on the cake was when the mom found a journal the girl had been keeping saying how much she was in love with that little boy and things she wanted to do to him. They sent her back to her foster home after only a few months of her living with them.
#23
My girlfriends dad openly admitted to her that it probably wasn't the best idea for them to adopt her when she asked him about it. They very rarely see eye to eye and the whole house is full of different personalities. Even her mum and dad are extremely different and probably shouldn't have got married but most likely only married because they were desperate. Her mum has some mental health issues ranging from anxiety to some personality disorder. Her dad is very quite and can easily temper and likely has Asperger's or something. My girlfriend was adopted by them when she was 7 and had a very hard life before that, which would, I feel, entitle her to be with more caring emotional adoptive parents. Alas you deal with the cards you've been dealt and she has been dealing with it very well!
LoneTomato 2 years ago
I love the understanding and empathy OP has for their girlfriend and her family situation
#24
Not mine, but my great uncle and great aunt adopted a girl.
She was spoiled sweet and raised in utmost privilege in a mansion with servants, back when such things were possible. She goes to university and is on her final year, so she hosts a graduation party at their house. It cost thousands, with everything being the finest quality.
She wasn't even close to graduating. She had barely passed half of her classes in her first year, but she then lied to her parents about it for TWO years, pretending to go to an expensive university while using their money for other things. They found out *during* the party and felt publicly humiliated, as it was expected.
She wasn't disowned or anything, but they almost cut off contact with her.
#25
Do siblings count? I was about 5, sister was 9. Our mother always wanted a big family, but had difficult (near fatal) pregnancies. So they looked into adoption. And that was how a 16 year old (I think) girl came to live with us, on a trial period.
She ended up being a rebellious manipulative individual and as a family we decided not to continue the adoption. I was 5, so I was pretty much suckered... I wonder sometimes what happened to her.
The Fabulous Killjoy 2 years ago
Teenagers are hard. But it’s also hard for them. They probably have never had a family or have already been rejected so many times. They deserve love but also needs someone who can handle them and love them the way they need to be loved
#26
i have two adopted Haitian brothers, they are biological brothers and they joined our family at 13 and 11 years old. That was 12 years ago.
The younger one is currently in jail for robbery. He had just recently been released after serving time for a knife attack. The older one is not currently in jail but has been in and out for several years now.
It's not that my mom regrets adopting them, she loves those boys as much as she does her bio kids, but she does wish things had been different.
She adopted them as a single mother (my father had long passed away) and at the age of 65. Both boys were severely malnourished and delayed, both had severe issues stemming from the trauma they endured as 3rd world orphans, and the town my mom was living it at the time was not equipped to handle them. They we immediately labelled as bad kids and there were no supports available. My mom gave it everything she got but despite her efforts she was unable to set them on a better path in life.
I think disappointment is a more fitting term. She does not regret the adoption but she is definitely disappointed with how it turned out
SilverSkyCloud 2 years ago
I hate to sound like the bad guy here but they really shouldn't be adopting children out (especially troubled ones) to people that old
#27
Had a really mild mannered high school english teacher who adopted a young boy from an eastern European country. The guy literally found excitement in keeping up with old pen pals, legitimately loved getting and writing letters (to show what kind of person he was, if you can imagine the type) The boy he adopted grew up to be a complete thug. He's been in and out of jail 8 times in the last 3 years. Has pictures of himself holding AR-15's. Self proclaimed blood. Got arrested for driving on a revoked license, got arrested 2 days later for escaping a penal institution when he would've gotten out after seeing the judge anyway. The kid turned out to be a total pos, and I know he's taken years off of my teachers life.
Mr. Pigeon 2 years ago
sometimes you got to let the ones you love go, its called tough love. Sometimes when they've lost everything, and everyone they wise up and realize life doesn't cater to them.
#28
There's a guy at work that adopted a demon child through a Mormon agency that found homes for pregnant girl's offpring.
He used to lick windows in the restaurant, slither around on the floor and one time, he bit him in the balls through his Levis.
He also lit his shed on fire and tried to catapult his younger adopted sister out of a rocking chair.
I'd say he might have regrets.
Bad genes.
Alice Teasdale 2 years ago
Bad genes? Or perhaps prior trauma and abuse? Foetal Alcohol? Dunno if I believe in bad genes.
#29
I knew a family that adapted a kid then tried to give the kid back. They had adopted a infant little girl 1st and a few years later they adopted a little boy. At one point the little boy was innapropriatly touching the now toddler girl.
#30
Friend's uncle tried adopting with his partner. They're pretty well-off and the kid was extremely lucky to have gone from being in foster care to being in an upper-class household that went on luxurious vacations every year .
I don't know if they were hit really hard with the reality of what it takes to be a parent or if the kid was truly a demon but the uncle and his partner ended up having to cancel the adoption with the kid because the child ended up being too emotionally unstable and difficult to control. There were a lot of issues with the child causing trouble everywhere he went and refusing to listen to anything his adoptive parents would say. There were deep-seated behavioral problems with the kid, he only wanted to do what he wanted to do and nothing else even if it ended up hurting other kids or breaking things.
I don't know that many details other than my friend telling me about how this kid that his uncle almost adopted could have had everything a kid wanted but the kid just wouldn't behave right. I know that it's much deeper than that but I just wanted to share that story.
What do you think ?
Stacey Rae 2 years ago
Unloved adopted person here. Adopted people are not all 'damaged goods' or have mental or physical health issues. Some people just aren't meant to be parents.
Natalia A 2 years ago
I'm sorry you weren't loved. I hope you are able to the support you need to heal and to realise that you are you worthy, always.
Load More Replies... Minath 2 years ago
And the United States government has just paved the way for a total ban on abortion. Let's add more unwanted children into a system that is already bursting at the seams and oftentimes causes more problems than it solves. When adoptions can be reversed and foster carers are burnt out, what is the plan? Pro-birthers wanting to control women haven't even considered what happens once the umbilical cord has been cut.
Felice Coles 2 years ago
THIS THIS THIS! 'Pro-life' idiots are just 'pro-fetus' fanatics. When the poor kids are actually born and have real problems, then they're available for neglect, abuse, prison, etc.
Load More Replies...
Mika N 2 years ago
These are difficult stories. I so admire the heart that foster and adoptive parents have to be there for kids in such tough circumstances, and to deal with all the hard things that come with it. But all this is why I always sigh a little when I say we've struggled to conceive and someone says "just adopt! Fostering is free!" Fostering is a wonderful thing but it's a whole other world. It's not always just a simple and easy switch from one to the other. Of course there are many, many stories that turn out beautifully. And I would still love to adopt (also) someday. But I feel like someone who's fostering does need to be ready to face the reality that many kids are coming from traumatic circumstances and need someone who's mentally and emotionally prepared to walk through that with them. I don't want to treat it like an after-thought or quick backup plan cuz bio kids aren't working out (I hope this all isn't coming across wrong, it's a tricky subject).
Stacey Rae 2 years ago
Unloved adopted person here. Adopted people are not all 'damaged goods' or have mental or physical health issues. Some people just aren't meant to be parents.
Natalia A 2 years ago
I'm sorry you weren't loved. I hope you are able to the support you need to heal and to realise that you are you worthy, always.
Load More Replies... Minath 2 years ago
And the United States government has just paved the way for a total ban on abortion. Let's add more unwanted children into a system that is already bursting at the seams and oftentimes causes more problems than it solves. When adoptions can be reversed and foster carers are burnt out, what is the plan? Pro-birthers wanting to control women haven't even considered what happens once the umbilical cord has been cut.
Felice Coles 2 years ago
THIS THIS THIS! 'Pro-life' idiots are just 'pro-fetus' fanatics. When the poor kids are actually born and have real problems, then they're available for neglect, abuse, prison, etc.
Load More Replies... Mika N 2 years ago
These are difficult stories. I so admire the heart that foster and adoptive parents have to be there for kids in such tough circumstances, and to deal with all the hard things that come with it. But all this is why I always sigh a little when I say we've struggled to conceive and someone says "just adopt! Fostering is free!" Fostering is a wonderful thing but it's a whole other world. It's not always just a simple and easy switch from one to the other. Of course there are many, many stories that turn out beautifully. And I would still love to adopt (also) someday. But I feel like someone who's fostering does need to be ready to face the reality that many kids are coming from traumatic circumstances and need someone who's mentally and emotionally prepared to walk through that with them. I don't want to treat it like an after-thought or quick backup plan cuz bio kids aren't working out (I hope this all isn't coming across wrong, it's a tricky subject).
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