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“Haven’t Spoken To My ‘Parents’ In Over 10 Years”: 30 People Reveal Their Thoughts On Parents Kicking Their Kids Out At 18
It's a well-known fact that some birds throw their babies out of the nest to hone their flying skills and build up strength, to help them make it on their own in this big, cruel world of ours.
The same survival tactic, it turns out, is also used by our fellow humans. However, considering that mother nature doesn't have a fluctuating economy and eye-watering student debts, it's only fitting that not everyone will approve of parents kicking their kids out as soon as they turn 18.
So, to understand what the general consensus is on this age-old rite of passage, someone asked the r/AskReddit community "What do you think of the parents that kick their kids out as soon as they have turned 18 years old?" Of course, the responses were as mixed-bag and as thought-provoking as always.
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#1
They're not Italian, that's for sure.
Here in Italy, when the "child" is finally ready to leave the house at the age of 35, the family gets together to bid them a tearful goodbye... before they move 1km away from their parent's house.
In a world where adulthood is supposed to beckon independence and self-sufficiency, what happens when your own flesh and blood refuses to take flight? When, if ever, can you pull the plug on their cozy existence?
While the age of 18 might mark the end of a child's legal childhood, it's a murky path to navigate from there. Sure, in the bygone days, this wasn't such a big deal when young adults could live well from a single paycheck from McDonald's - an idea that is as baffling to current generations, as it still is achievable, according to some out-of-touch parents. Parents, then, find themselves torn between their obligations to provide a nurturing home and the growing frustration of having a child who shows no interest in venturing into the real world.
#2
My parents are foster parents (they’re my bio parents but they’ve been doing foster care all my 30 years of life) and they don’t kick out the foster kids when they turn 18.
When children’s aid stops supporting them (usually at 18) my parents step up and help the kids until they can comfortably move out or until they want to. They have a 25 yr old still living with them because she fears abandonment and my parents don’t want her to leave lol. They love each other.
My parents helped out over 20 kids throughout my life to try to become successful human beings, no matter how long it takes. Many of them are still in contact with us. We took them in and loved them.
How can parents who raised their own children kick them out just because they reached “adult” status. I just don’t get it lol.
As today's discussion proves, there comes a point when many parents believe that turning a blind eye to their pleas for continued support might seem harsh at first, but pays off in the end. Although, it's not a one-size-fits-all solution, as Carl E Pickhardt, a Harvard-trained psychologist-parenting expert and the author of 'Holding On While Letting Go: Parenting Your Child Through the Four Freedoms of Adolescence,' reminds us.
"The child’s transition through the 10-to-12-year coming-of-age passage that we call 'adolescence' is not only the harder half of growing up," Pickhardt told Bored Panda, "it is also the harder half of parenting as more youthful separation, differentiation, and opposition now make the parent/child relationship more complicated and challenging for all parties."
#3
It's trashy behavior and bad parenting. Your role as a parent doesn't suddenly expire when your child turns 18. It also shows an unhealthy relationship to your child, as if they were some kind of burden that you're counting down to be rid of. Now, if a kid goes to college or something and moves out at 18? Different story. But children should always feel that they have a place in their family's home, regardless of their age or what life might throw at them.
#4
Kicking out your kid as soon as you're legally allowed to do so tells me you wanted them out of the house even earlier and the only reason you didn't do it is because you didn't want to be arrested.
James Howell 1 year ago
My poor Momma was booted at 17. Yes, she was a high school graduate{she started 1st grade at 4 1/2} .The day of her graduation, was her last day at home. It changed the trajectory of her life. She met my dad, got pregnant the first time and had to marry him. He was an abusive monster to her and I. I took her out the day I graduated. We rebuilt her life while I started mine. She's in a facility now due to the constant head trauma. Some members of my family have trown in my face the shame of her " running of and getting married" The person that said this wasn't born until 7 yrs after the fact. My mother's life was ruined by that selfish decision . Too may children, and catholic guilt, shame, etc. It still messes with my mind... My Beloved Mother. Please reconsider if thinking about having children if you're not ready for the long haul.
#5
I work in homeless services, focusing on transitional aged youth between 18 and 24 who have been in the foster care system or Probation camp. The amount of youth who I have worked with who get kicked out at 18 is disgusting. As soon as they turn 18, the checks for fostering youth stop and the foster parents no longer feel incentivized to house these youths, regardless of the bonds formed. So out you go to make room for another paycheck to come in.
To top it off, neither the foster parents nor the system prepare these youths for the reality ahead. They are extremely financially illiterate and have no idea how to navigate life. It's so sad and depressing.
TeenieMeanie 1 year ago
Thank you and all the good people working in social services! Foster youth need all the help. If anyone in the US wants to volunteer, look up your local TAY or CASA office.
In the past, this bump-and-stumble approach might have worked just fine, as Pickhardt explains. However, in the present era, characterized by its intricate and rapidly evolving landscape, this method exposes young individuals to greater risks and potential harm.
In Australia, for example, over 44,000 children and young individuals find themselves in the challenging circumstances of out-of-home care. And while it's not fair to compare out-of-home care children with ones that live in the nest of their guardians, a distressing report by the Australian Housing and Research Institute has revealed that within a year after being kicked out of state care in Victoria, half of the 400 young individuals find themselves without a home, falling victim to the harsh grip of homelessness. And that must be telling something.
#6
I got kicked out of my mom's house at 15 because my mom was a headcase, and my OCD went off the scale because of the mental abuse. Dad didn't want to take me in and told me so, but my stepmom forced his hand. The day I graduated HS, my stuff was on the lawn with the locks changed.
Then I had to live with years of angry messages on the answering machine, 'How come you never call?!?! Why do you hate our family?!?!'
I even got accused last week by a family member that I made the whole thing up when she was trying to tell me that I'm a bad person for ignoring my mom. The level of the narcissism of some people is unbelievable.
#7
A girl from my class came home after our grad night party to find two garbage bags with her stuff in them. They didn't even tie it so when it rained that night it filled up the bags with water and destroyed her laptop, pictures, and clothing.
Her parents showed up at her house last year on Independence Day because their house burned down from a firework mishap. I'm told the husband just asked them to leave. Oh, and I should add they didn't have insurance on the home so they were pretty much screwed.
#8
It's their right, but I disagree with it.
I was kicked out the day I turned 17. I lived out of my car for 3 months while working fast food and completing my senior year. I would've probably dropped out had it not been for my best friends dad. He found out about the situation and forced me to move in with them. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He had recently got divorced because his stay at home wife was cheating on him. Because they had a spare bedroom and I was friends with both his sons that lived with him, he told me "It's just us guys living there and having fun. You stay until you finish school. After that, you can pay $100 a month in rent until you decide what to do. Don't argue with me."
The man's a saint. I wouldn't have been able to keep going to school without him, and he knew it. He's a guy who had to drop out to work back in the day to support his family. He got his GED and clawed his way up to head engineer at a factory so he could afford a nice home for his wife and kids. He bought a nice two story home that he barely got to stay in for a women who didn't appreciate him. The man even came home every single day and cooked meals for us to make sure we'd eat.
In the middle of fighting a divorce, trying to get custody of both of his kids, and keep the house he paid for, he took me in, adding to the stress. He did that for me just because I was friends with his sons. If I ever get rich, that man is getting an early retirement and a comfortable home wherever he chooses. If that man can do all that for someone that isn't his child, parents have no excuse for not helping their own kids out.
Edit: I had no idea this would blow up this much...thank you, everyone. I just wanted to answer some questions that are being asked.
This was years ago and I still bump into them from time to time, but we've all drifted apart in these years due to adult lives being... busy, lol. I still talk to them every once and a while. They are still my friends and I can hit them all up any time I wanted to. I still play Xbox with the sons a few times a year. I always make sure to have them tell their dad thank you for me. I had a serious heartfelt talk with him about a year after I graduated and moved out. I still think about that man nearly every day of my life.
As for my family, I was not a perfect child at all and I have some blame. The thing is, I honestly feel I never would have been the way I was in my later teen years had they been more accepting of myself and my lifestyle. I saw my other friends being able to come to their parents and talk to them without fear of judgement from them, or God. Ultimately, religion is the reason I was kicked out. They are strict southern Baptist.
I did cut my parents out of my life for three years after I was kicked out. They never contacted me for the first year. They tried to reconnect after the first year, but I have them two more years of silence. I let them back in my life, but on my terms. It was easy to make my demands considering I didn't need them anymore. We now have a healthy relationship. We can finally look each other in the eyes and be honest. I no longer fear their judgement, that's honestly the ingredient we were missing in our relationship.
I now spend a decent amount of time with my father and mother. It's funny, my dad and I actually have long conversations about our different ideologies and beliefs. We even poke fun at each other about it. It's nice, considering I never actually was able to connect with him much growing up. I'm the first male in the past 5 generations of my family that didn't become a southern Baptist pastor. I think my father sees it as opportunity to understand how people living a different life than him are. And i see it as an opportunity to better understand why he did what he did. A lesson i had to learn the hard way is that it's better to seek understanding than to live with hate in your heart. He respects me and I respect him.
It was hard for my mom at first. She comes from a small town of 300 people where everyone goes to church happily and believes anything their parents tell them. She would be abrasive with me at first when I would talk about how I drink, or live with my girlfriend. Hell, she still does from time to time, but my father always nudges her into calming down.
Edit 2: I keep seeing people say "it's not their right" which I understand, but it's not really an argument worth pursuing. As a 17 year old who just got kicked out, I didn't want to get the police involved. That meant either I move to a foster home an hour or two away, and then lose my friends as well as my family. That or they force my parents to take me back and life just gets worse. I was happier living in my car. As scary as it is being a kid on your own, it was better than the alternatives.
- 1 year ago
Wow. I'm so glad the friend's father got involved. A former colleague's brother took in three sisters as each one turned 18 and was kicked out by their mother. The oldest helped support her two younger sisters and did fine. No contact with the biological mother. Not surprised that this man preferred living in his car - some teenagers leave difficult situations because it's emotionally easier to be homeless.
"I believe in providing young people for adulthood with responsible self-management preparation in the adolescent years; not simply 'forcing' them into adulthood at age 18 with abandonment," Pickhardt explained. The approach he suggests for preparing young individuals for adulthood involves parents establishing a form of agreement, commonly known as a "freedom contract."
This type of preparation for adulthood, rooted in evidence-based parenting, operates on the principle of mutual understanding. "You demonstrate the behaviors we expect from you, and in turn, you are more likely to receive what you desire from us," he said. The 'contract' encompasses key provisions such as providing accurate information, honoring commitments, taking responsibility for choices, fostering mutual support, engaging in open discussions, and communicating with courtesy and respect.
#9
I've never met anyone who does this and is also a decent human being. They're always like "kids gotta learn to stand on their own two feet, I don't care if my kid is homeless and gets assaulted, life's not fair lol, pull yourself up by your bootstraps like I did when my dad gave me a company in 1973"
#10
Great candidates for a nursing home in their later years.
#11
They are terrible parents who will likely end up in a state-run nursing home.
If you have a child your goal is to make sure your child has every tool to succeed in life before they go out on their own regardless if that is 18, 23, 25+
My plan is once my child hits 18 i will ask them to pay me a small "rent" amount (like 20% of a normal 1bed apartment rent) monthly but I will be putting it all into a separate bank account and once they decide it's time to move out I'll give all of it back to them as a gift. They will always have a place to stay with me if things get tough as well.
Kevin Sutton 1 year ago
That's a brilliant idea, I like that one. Will discuss doing that for my boys with my wife
By meeting these expectations, the teenager increases the likelihood of receiving reciprocal treatment. The contract underscores the importance of actions over empty promises, creating a foundation for accountability and a balanced relationship - values that hold great importance as young adults navigate their path in the vast and complex world.
"The preparation for adulthood I propose is parents holding young people in their care accountable to some variation of the 'freedom contract' as they grow through adolescence," a child's most impactful years, Pickhardt suggested.
#12
My bf got kicked out at 18 and his parents literally said to his face "Since you were an accident and we didn't mean to have you, we need you out of the house now so we can actually relax like we used to before you were born."
Anyway, I think extremely badly of them.
Katie Lutesinger 1 year ago
"Anyway, I think extremely badly of them." Gee, I can't imagine why...
#13
Welp...
I was kicked out at 16 and again at 18.
My mother had no ambitions for work and decided the low to zero income way of life was a good choice to raise three kids. (Addictions and mental disorders ofc).
Anyhow, she demanded 500 dollars per month from me, while I was in highschool. At the time, a full time job at minimum wage would net you about 300 bi weekly.
Needless to say I first had to drop out of school to woro full time to pay her that.
Eventually I got back into school, cut back on (and quit) jobs until I was part time and could actually attend school.
This cause money to stop coming in.
This caused her to be angry.
This caused me to become homeless.
So now when she asks for help, or simply wants to talk to me, and I dont reply... Well, there you go.
(There were many other things involved, but if you are a d**k to your kids, they will be a d**k to you when they are adults. Rightfully so.)
(Yes, I am now a parent, and no, under no circumstances would I do what she did).
#14
Guy in my graduating class had that happen to him. He came back from Project Graduation the next morning and his father had put all his stuff on the front lawn. First day out of High School and kicked out of the house, not 12 hours after receiving your diploma.
Bobby went on to college, got his degree, and got married to his HS sweetheart, and moved into a large house in the biggest city in our state, and works high up in one of the hospitals downtown Louisville KY. When his Mother passed away, she left a good chunk of money to Bobby and his brother, whom daddy did the same way 4 years later. Father got cancer 6 months after his wife passed, ended up in the hospital, and Bobby and his brother let their father lose his house to the bank. Bobby bought it on the courthouse steps, bulldozed it, and split the new property in half, giving it to the neighbors on both sides of the now empty lot, who let Bobby and later his brother live in their basements for a time while they each figured out what to do. Daddy stayed in the hospital and when released, had to go to a half-way house sponsored by the VA, because neither Bobby or his brother would let him move in, and he had no siblings to speak of.
I know this because my Mom graduted with Bobby's dad, and for some reason thought I should know the details of their lives....
#15
Brother was out before 18 and I was out at 18, and my dad didn't even have a funeral.
Should tell you about all you need to know about parents who kick their kids out asap.
#16
I cut all ties after they kicked me out. They both died young. My life was rough for a while but it all turned out okay.
And now I’m the adult, and my oldest is 20. He’s still at home rent-free while he pursues his career and education. I’ll do the same for the other four.
We bought a new house when my oldest was 19 and we specifically made sure he had a room where he could feel comfortable to stay here and have his own space.
#17
They're fools, selfishly setting up their children for a life of unnecessary hardship and struggle.
Freya the Wanderer 1 year ago
Considering how this "great" country treats the homeless like vermin, these heartless ogres prove that they do not love their own children.
#18
Wasn't even a discussion, somehow I turned 18 and was given a plane ticket voucher and nothing else. Not a cent, no advice on how to adult, no real direction. So I couch surfed instead until I found work. Then moved away.
My 18-25 was nothing but a struggle. I genuinely can't remember any point during that time where I felt like I had a handle on life whatsoever.
And now I just don't talk to them anymore, it's been years. I've had family come to me with the "they're your parents they did the best they could" b******t.
It just sucks, knowing that your parents don't love you.
#19
“You’re 18, you’re on your own. Don’t ask us for anything , because we don’t owe you any more support“
… 20+ years later…
“I know we made it clear that we won’t do anything to help you, but now that you’re successful and have something that WE want (grandchild), we’re willing to amend that agreement so that family is super important to us. It’s so lonely after we drove everyone away!
#20
Was one of those kids, haven't spoken to my "parents" in over 10 years.
Have no intention on speaking to them any time in the future either.
#21
It’s terrible! My fiancé’s birthday is the 26th of December - a day after Christmas. On his 18th birthday he was told by his father he was now an adult and had to go. No warning or anything. He had to move into his car that same week. And yet, 25 years later, his father has the audacity to continuously ask us for money to pay his bills.
#22
That they have made a very poor choice and are damaging their relationship with that child, as well as potentially damaging that child's mental health. It's traumatic for the young person.
As a therapist, I haven't ever come across this happening as a parenting issue in isolation. What I mean by that is that the same parents who kick their kids out at 18 are usually neglectful before they turn 18.
#23
I feel this is especially cruel post 2005.
Back in the 90’s it was probably way easier to survive.
I’m from LA and a guy I met once said that in the 70’s you could actually live on your own with a job at McDonald’s.
Christine C 1 year ago
Very true. I turned 18 in 1988 and it was a source of pride to be able to support oneself at that age…something aspired to. But economic conditions were very different than today. I can’t see how that’s realistic anymore.
#24
I can’t imagine having to deal with that. My Dad lost a place to live at his parents’ house for the summer his last year of college and luckily my Mom’s parents let him stay in their basement. From what my parents told me my Dad was devastated by this.
My parents’ rule was we would have a place to stay without paying rent as long as we were in school or after we graduated while we were getting our first job. I really appreciated their support and not needing to worry about housing during the summers while I was in college. Will be doing the same with my 3 kids.
Kathryn Baylis 1 year ago (edited)
That's the whole point of parenting, to not kick your chicks out of the nest before they're able to fly really well on their own. To let your kids launch on their own when they're able to do so successfully. PLUS, should they endure any hardships (layoffs, long-term illness, injuries that prevent then from working, substantial loss of household income through divorce or death of a spouse, etc), if you as parents are able to accommodate them, let them come back home, at least until they're back on their feet. You're supposed to love your children, and want the best for them. Part of loving them is making sure they're able to live decently before they go out on their own.
#25
They should have bought a dog of they want the thing gone by 18.
BEATRICE SIEGEL 1 year ago
I agree with this, but now the thought of a dog being in the care of people like that makes me sad.
#26
Dad didn't want to have kids. Once we were 7 or 8 years old, my mother pretended to still like us but she didn't seem to (had more independent personalities). I believe that many past generations had children more out of obligation than out of a genuine desire to be parents for the rest of their lives.
#27
They’re setting up their kids for failure. Harsh, but true. I’m no kids by choice but if I ever were to have a kid, I’d do my best to provide the best for them. What that means in this situation (I live in a HCOL PNW city) is that I’d make it known to my kid that they’re more than welcome to stay at home while going to college & working so they can save up $ instead of paying off someone else’s mortgage via rent. Rent for an old one bedroom in my city goes for $2000-2200; best to stay home and save up equity.
EDIT: It also speaks to the type of parent these people are. Parenting doesn’t suddenly stop at 18. This is also a particularly Canadian/American thing, whereas immigrant and/or first-generational families typically have multigenerational households.
Ronna Black 1 year ago
Not sure about the Canadian comment. I lived at home until I was 23, moving out with a friend who had just graduated Uni. Both sets of parents assisted financially when needed, thankfully was not often. None of my friends or family were ever kicked out after high school. Some paid rent to their parents, some didn’t. My Dad lived with his parents until he married at 25 and he and my mom moved into my grandparent’s basement apartment. Maybe all the people I knew were just raised by caring families, but I don’t know that kicking kids to the curb at 18 is a North American thing.
#28
I went to school with some people like that. Immediately kicked out at 18. How can they expect to continue their education when the now have to immediately start making enough for food and shelter. Inevitably, most got married and divorced or at least pregnant young too.
Now 20 years later the ones I’m friends with on Facebook are continuing the vicious cycle by kicking their kids out at 18.
Come on bro, give them a chance. And you complain your family doesn’t have generational wealth. This is why.
Xenia Harley 1 year ago
Having worked in a community college, it screws the kids up for financial aid, too, if parents are uncooperative. You have to be 22, I think, until you can use your own income as a guide. I cannot tell you how many kids tried to go to college, but had no way to get basic info from parents' income tax forms for FAFSA forms. Parents can be cruel and awful.
#29
I think they're bad parents. They clearly don't understand what the world is like for recent high school grads, they're selfish and want their home back and don't want to keep feeding and housing their kid, and/or they didn't raise a self-sufficient child ready to try fending for themselves.
Steve Robert 1 year ago
My parents loved it when I'd spend summers at home during college, while saving up money for the school year.
#30
I used to think they were all horrible, no exceptions until I married a guy that was kicked out by his parents. After living with him for 15 years, it made me question how they lived with him for 18.
What do you think ?
Scott T Brynildsen 1 year ago
My father kicked me out on my eighteenth birthday because I'm gay. I was homeless for three and a half years but finally was able to get a job as a dishwasher. I worked hard, became a published author, lobbied on Congress when I was twenty, was a member of the three speakers bureaus, and I see my father twice a year because I want him to see who I've become in spite of his choices.
N Miller 1 year ago
My dad was not much older than 18 when he moved out. My grandparents had turned his bedroom into a den before tea time the same day. My dad's older sister moved to Venezuela for 8 years and they kept her room for her until she came home. They also refused to do any of the journeying to visit our family, necessitating my parents doing all the travelling with two small children (at the time). There are, as far as I now know, only two living members of my dad's side of the family left. We haven't spoken in years. I tell people I have two aunts and one cousin, all maternal. As far as we are concerned, my dad is an orphaned only child, and we are all happier for it.
Brainmas 1 year ago
Oof. I didn't go back to my dad's for the rest of my stuff until a week later, but all my things were already in the attic and the room was back to how it was when my stepsister lived there. She was much older and already married. It was weird, but definitely cemented the point.
Load More Replies... DDmaybeandor 1 year ago
Idc if I get downvoted but my child isn’t just living with me forever or getting a free ride. When he gets a job a percentage is going towards savings, first for a car and then for an apartment. If he won’t do it voluntarily then I’ll charge rent, but I’m saving it so he’s got a nest egg. People want to have independence and it’s a parent’s job to foster that. It’s not our job to make things too easy, we have to teach responsibility and then make them responsible. And if he falls on his face he can come home and start again if there’s any way possible.
James016 1 year ago
There is nothing wrong with that approach. You are teaching him about budgeting and that the bills have to be paid first. A lot of these are “You’re 18, f**k off”
Load More Replies...
Scott T Brynildsen 1 year ago
My father kicked me out on my eighteenth birthday because I'm gay. I was homeless for three and a half years but finally was able to get a job as a dishwasher. I worked hard, became a published author, lobbied on Congress when I was twenty, was a member of the three speakers bureaus, and I see my father twice a year because I want him to see who I've become in spite of his choices.
N Miller 1 year ago
My dad was not much older than 18 when he moved out. My grandparents had turned his bedroom into a den before tea time the same day. My dad's older sister moved to Venezuela for 8 years and they kept her room for her until she came home. They also refused to do any of the journeying to visit our family, necessitating my parents doing all the travelling with two small children (at the time). There are, as far as I now know, only two living members of my dad's side of the family left. We haven't spoken in years. I tell people I have two aunts and one cousin, all maternal. As far as we are concerned, my dad is an orphaned only child, and we are all happier for it.
Brainmas 1 year ago
Oof. I didn't go back to my dad's for the rest of my stuff until a week later, but all my things were already in the attic and the room was back to how it was when my stepsister lived there. She was much older and already married. It was weird, but definitely cemented the point.
Load More Replies... DDmaybeandor 1 year ago
Idc if I get downvoted but my child isn’t just living with me forever or getting a free ride. When he gets a job a percentage is going towards savings, first for a car and then for an apartment. If he won’t do it voluntarily then I’ll charge rent, but I’m saving it so he’s got a nest egg. People want to have independence and it’s a parent’s job to foster that. It’s not our job to make things too easy, we have to teach responsibility and then make them responsible. And if he falls on his face he can come home and start again if there’s any way possible.
James016 1 year ago
There is nothing wrong with that approach. You are teaching him about budgeting and that the bills have to be paid first. A lot of these are “You’re 18, f**k off”
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