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You’ve likely heard this quote from Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice: “The sins of the father are to be laid upon the children.” It pertains to ancestral sin, in which children may suffer the consequences of their parents' actions in some way.
Many millennials, however, are going against this belief. They have vowed not to repeat the same mistakes their folks committed, which have caused them a great deal of trauma, pain, and sadness.
These people candidly shared their experiences in this recent Reddit thread. It covered a range of topics, from body shaming and forcing religion to sensitive issues like alcoholism. If you want to share anything, the comment boxes below are yours!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Constantly offload the problems in their relationship on their children.
jormundgand20:
My mother still does this to my brother and I. At 13 I shouldn't have been playing therapist to a grown woman.
She's now a quad-divorcee. She'll probably die unmarried, and I can't help but feel she's envious of my much better marriage. Someone asked me why my marriage was so good. I said "I learned how NOT to be from my mother. I just do the exact opposite of what she did. Works great."
Relationships shouldn't be hard, at least not all the time.
RELATED:
#2
Spanking, forcing my kid to eat food they don’t like, withholding food for any reason, forcing my kid to let adults touch them.
Crazy catz 1 month ago
If I know my child likes it and they refuse to eat it, there is nothing else, if however they try it and don't like it, not a problem, I'll make you something else
#3
Get into petty fights while on vacation and spending the rest of the vacation mad at each other. Seriously: every vacation memory from my childhood is of nothing but petty squabbles, and the first vacations I took as an adult without my parents seemed strange without some stupid petty drama ruining them.
Lyoness 1 month ago
It feels like my brother wrote this. In our family what used to kill me was how they'd be screaming at each other in the car on our way somewhere, then we'd arrive and they'd act like nothing was wrong. Then as soon as we got back in the car the fight would start right up again as if it had never stopped. Sick.
#4
I worked my whole summer when I was 15. I saved up around $1500 and my dad opened a bank account for me and put my money in there. I never touched it after that, didn’t even know how to access it if I wanted to.
3 years later I’m starting college and I’m at the bookstore getting my textbooks for my first semester. I call my dad and ask him if he wouldn’t mind helping me buy the books and he said “You’re 18 now, I’m done!” I was like, “WTF?! Well then let me get my money from my account.”
He says “What money? You spent it all” I asked when and he said every time he asked me if I wanted something like shoes or a jersey he was using that money to buy it. Sounds like b******t to this day. Either way he said the money was gone.
That is one thing I will **Never Ever** do, especially to my kid. F**k them over and spend their money.
#5
Treat my own child as a burden.
steffie-flies:
I never understood this logic. My parents had three before adopting me, and they hated all of us. I mean, why didn't you stop at the first if you realized it wasn't working?
David 1 month ago
Burden means a heavy load. Children are absolutely a burden and more people should consider that before having one. The fault lies in telling your children they are a burden you don't want. Most people understand (to varying degrees) that children are a huge commitment in terms of time / money / emotions / etc. But you should never make your child feel guilty for being your child.
#6
When I was very young I got an allowance every week, $5 to me and $5 to a bank account.
At some point, when I was probably 7 or 8, my mom went on an adults only trip to Disneyland with her parents and siblings. My mom brought me back some Winnie the Pooh pencils and a Mickey Mouse cup. That’s what my money bought me, she spent every single penny that was in my bank account to fund her trip. My dad had no idea and thought her family paid for the trip. We were poor so there was no way my dad could replace the money and my allowance ended after that.
As an adult it’s something my dad and I will randomly joke about (my parents are divorced now and can’t stand each other) but as a kid it hurt to know that not only did I not get to go to Disneyland but all of my money was also gone.
#7
Smoking is the big one. I remember as a kid waking up before my parents, and I always knew when they woke up because I could smell the smoke from my room. It was absolutely disgusting. I’m so glad smoking indoors has become mostly obsolete (at least where I live) because there was nothing worse than being bombarded with the smell of cigarette smoke any time you walked into a restaurant or the house of a heavy smoker.
StrangeOne 1 month ago
Plus the inevitable health effects being forced on you as a kid. It's actually disturbing to see parents holding babies while smoking. Poor kid.
#8
Talk bad about my spouse in front of my kids, or air any marital disputes with them.
Lost Panda 1 month ago
No matter what's going on between me and their mother, I will not talk bad about her to them. Wish I could say it was mutual though...
#9
Talk to my children like they are my therapist. When I was a kid I knew way too much about the personal struggles my mom faced and I felt responsible for fixing them. I have horrendous anxiety to this day and always feel like it’s my job to fix her problems.
#10
Force them to go to church.
hellabills14:
I really wish my grandmother taught me how to cope with life’s trauma effectively instead of going to church twice a week.
Luke Branwen 1 month ago
Another question tho: would you also respect your child's decision if they decided to follow a religion, or would you hit them with that condescending "magical sky daddy" BS?
#11
Yelling.
Unless my child has wandered off and is about to step in front of a moving car (like in Stephen King's book Pet Sematary) I don't see the need to yell at a child. I've yelled at kids before, and it is always when their about to touch a burning stove or they've climbed at the top of the swings and decide to jump off.... lol.
^ those are protective, guttural, paternal, instinctive yells. Like screaming *"FIRE!"* when you see a fire.
Yelling at your child, so close to their face, they can feel your spit - just because they left crumbs on the counter is abusive and there is NEVER reason or justification for that. If you are that wound-up, or your nervous system is on high alert that a drop of the hat makes you scream, you need to see a doctor. Its not normal behavior.
Cosmos in your eyes 1 month ago
This is something I really had to work on. For some reason, becoming a mother also brought a side effect of rage. I don't think it is uncommon, but it feels so shameful so we never talk about the anger that can rear it's head. I had to make a conscious effort not to yell. I'm happy to report the inner work has paid off and I have an amazing relationship with my kids (ages 10 and 12). Now I'm trying to help my husband yell less.
#12
Keeping my yard looking like a golf course. I'm not going to spend half my day off trying to impress people I don't know with something that I don't find too impressive in itself. Besides, a "yard" is not sustainable when treated that way!
#13
1. Talk negatively about my body.
2. S**t shame my daughters.
Embarrassed_Edge3992:
My dad used to call me names and make fun of my weight when I was a teenager. He thought he could shame me into losing it. It did not work, in fact, it did the opposite.
slightlysadpeach:
Emotional ab*se is mine too, mixed in with a sprinkling of physical. I’d never put a child through that and it’s a huge reason I’m low contact now. I am still f**ked up by how mean my parents were to me.
#14
Conditional love.
I’ve finally realized the source of my excruciating perfectionism, which is my parents only showing love/ affection/ approval of me if I did the right thing.
My kids will know they are loved no matter what.
#15
Stay in a failing, toxic, horrible marriage.
Kramanos:
Staying married despite hating each other. My Mom is so much happier since my Dad died. It's sad to think he never got the chance to be happy without her in his life.
They could have been two rad happy people, but no, religious convictions about divorce took that possibility away.
Jessica M 1 month ago
This. My parents were each other's true love but they were young and they split up and instead of trying to make it work, they both moved on quickly and then regretted for another 35 yrs. Both of my step-parents were terrible people, cruel and emotionally abusive and for whatever reason my parents just couldn't get it together to leave them, I think they were afraid they'd be making the same mistake again. They were the first generation with no fault divorce and they sure made the most of it. My dad's been married 5 times.
#16
Fear-based parenting.
CurbsideChaos:
My (34f) mother (69f) told me last year, in our first true conversation in years, that her and my father hit me when I was a kid because they "didn't know what else to do".
And my siblings (who did not receive said punishment) wonder why I'm no contact with my parents.
#17
Belittle my kids. Being condescending is not the way.
Fuhleeheece 1 month ago
Yes, they're kids. Yes, they're naive about the world. Parents don't have to call kids "stupid" to highlight the obvious.
#18
Say things to my kids I don’t know to be 100% true. I can think of so many examples of things my parents told me that I later found out to not be true. It’s ok to tell your kids you don’t know something rather than just make up some bs.
#19
Turn every single emotion into rage and then project that rage to every person in my home, making their lives miserable and causing them to walk on eggshells every second of every day.
David 1 month ago
Often accompanied by never accepting responsibility for their mistakes. The 'rage' is usually about how they have been wronged. And when it happens often, it often means in just about any situation they feel like they were the ones wronged. At least, that has been my personal observation.
#20
Moralize food and eating and fat shame them. I also don't plan on cheating on my husband.
Fuhleeheece 1 month ago
Food is not a weapon to use as an incentive or a punishment for a child.
#21
1. Openly complain about finances in front of my children
2. Compare their academic performance to their peers or scream that a B- means they’ll be some kind of lifelong loser
3. Push college in any way.
#22
Bar my future kids from dyed hair or piercings.
I’d probably still make them wait until 18 for tattoos but that’s more for brain development/maturity rather than ‘you’re not allowed to because I hate alternative looks’.
and_a_touch_of_the_’tism 1 month ago
My mom’s rule is she’ll pay for hair and ear piercings, but anything more extreme I have to wait till I can pay for it myself
#23
My parents were very disengaged from my education. I'd like to be more invested in the education of any children I have.
#24
Have children when I can't financially or emotionally support them.
MushroomHead22 1 month ago
there are some cases where they can't afford it financially or emotionally, but they didn't have a choice.... this type of subject causes a lot of fights, and you know who you are, and you are wrong.
#26
Compare siblings. Especially when one has high functioning autism and does extremely well academically, and the other has ADHD and goes to school to socialize. Because I am only having one.
Northlander72 1 month ago
Having one kid won't stop parents who like to compare as a manipulation tactic. They'll just compare you to someone else 's kids instead.
#27
Implant my fears and anxieties onto my child. Just because I can’t handle something doesn’t mean they can’t try if they want to. They can find their own limits and establish their own comfort zone.
Own-Emergency2166:
My 20s were basically a decade of “am I actually afraid of this or is it just one of my mother’s fears?”
Mik 1 month ago
I worked at a flower shop with flowers outside, so lots of bees, and one little girl was freaking out about it, and her mom told me 'that's my fault, she saw me freak out about a bee and now she does too, we have to start working on that' and I thought that was just amazing of the mom
#28
Pressure them to get perfect grades. Yeah, you should try but you don't have to be the *best.*.
#29
Work away too much.
OrganizedSprinkles:
This!!! My parents both worked about 60 hours a week with commute. It's great they have a lot of money for retirement, but never got to come to my games. Now I'm overcompensating by being my kids leads in sports and scouts, but still trying not to hover too much. It's tough to balance making money and making time for the kids, and like 5 minutes for yourself.
#30
Gonna be graphic here but I'll never ab*se my kid or make sexual things be the forefront of their life. My looks, my body and who I could/would like to be with was a constant conversation and mix of shaming and pushing.
I was s*x trafficked from a young age. Sexual things were always discussed around me. It's hard to get it off my own mind and I will never do it to my kid.
Poll Question
What is the main reason you would distance yourself from your parents' mistakes?
To avoid trauma
To create my own identity
For my future family
I see no reason to distance
What do you think ?
Lyoness 1 month ago
It's kind of nice to know I'm not the only one whose family was so f*cked up. Sad, but nice.
Nikki van Reenen 1 month ago
I know what you mean!!! It doesn't make me happy, but kinda relieved that I'm not such a freak for how I grew up.
Damned_Cat 1 month ago
Never have kids because you think it will strengthen your marriage or make your partner more mature or active. Also, never have kids because you want a little copy of yourself who can live your life over for you.
Rick Murray 1 month ago (edited)
My father was an absent drunken twat who died young. My mom was the voice of reason in my life. Thanks mom. I never distanced myself, quite the opposite in fact. I just wish I'd inherited some of her braincells.
onelife 5 days ago
My maternal grandmother needed a place to stay. She used to live with her sister and the sister passed away.It was middle of the covid and she was literally home less. My parents refused to take her in. Created all kinds of dramas saying they are terrified for their lives to let my grandma in in the middle of covid. I suggested to let her stay for few days while I figured out to get her to my home in another city. They didn't budge. We managed with another relatives till we got her to my city and myself and my sister continued to care for her till she passed away. I blocked my parent's numbers and cut ties with them when they said' We are not taking her in and you better support us'. I supported them by taking her in and cutting ties with them.
Lyoness 1 month ago
It's kind of nice to know I'm not the only one whose family was so f*cked up. Sad, but nice.
Nikki van Reenen 1 month ago
I know what you mean!!! It doesn't make me happy, but kinda relieved that I'm not such a freak for how I grew up.
Damned_Cat 1 month ago
Never have kids because you think it will strengthen your marriage or make your partner more mature or active. Also, never have kids because you want a little copy of yourself who can live your life over for you.
Rick Murray 1 month ago (edited)
My father was an absent drunken twat who died young. My mom was the voice of reason in my life. Thanks mom. I never distanced myself, quite the opposite in fact. I just wish I'd inherited some of her braincells.
onelife 5 days ago
My maternal grandmother needed a place to stay. She used to live with her sister and the sister passed away.It was middle of the covid and she was literally home less. My parents refused to take her in. Created all kinds of dramas saying they are terrified for their lives to let my grandma in in the middle of covid. I suggested to let her stay for few days while I figured out to get her to my home in another city. They didn't budge. We managed with another relatives till we got her to my city and myself and my sister continued to care for her till she passed away. I blocked my parent's numbers and cut ties with them when they said' We are not taking her in and you better support us'. I supported them by taking her in and cutting ties with them.
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