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You’ve likely heard this quote from Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice: “The sins of the father are to be laid upon the children.” It pertains to ancestral sin, in which children may suffer the consequences of their parents' actions in some way.
Many millennials, however, are going against this belief. They have vowed not to repeat the same mistakes their folks committed, which have caused them a great deal of trauma, pain, and sadness.
These people candidly shared their experiences in this recent Reddit thread. It covered a range of topics, from body shaming and forcing religion to sensitive issues like alcoholism. If you want to share anything, the comment boxes below are yours!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Constantly offload the problems in their relationship on their children.
jormundgand20:
My mother still does this to my brother and I. At 13 I shouldn't have been playing therapist to a grown woman.
She's now a quad-divorcee. She'll probably die unmarried, and I can't help but feel she's envious of my much better marriage. Someone asked me why my marriage was so good. I said "I learned how NOT to be from my mother. I just do the exact opposite of what she did. Works great."
Relationships shouldn't be hard, at least not all the time.
hardrad2009 10 months ago
“With whom then I should discuss this?” - my mom to 15 years old me, when I told her that i don’t want to discuss with her all the details of their messy divorce with my father.
Tommy DePaul 1 week ago
Your priest, a therapist, your best friend, a neighbor, ANY ADULT!
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Lady Eowyn 10 months ago
I sometimes felt like a buffer for them to decompress, the sentence would always start with "your mother" or "your father" rather than "mom" or "daddy"
RELATED:
#2
Spanking, forcing my kid to eat food they don’t like, withholding food for any reason, forcing my kid to let adults touch them.
Crazy catz 10 months ago
If I know my child likes it and they refuse to eat it, there is nothing else, if however they try it and don't like it, not a problem, I'll make you something else
Alexia 10 months ago
All these were actually "normal" during my childhood. The country was under brutal dictatorship and the leaders believed this was a good way to raise "strong, disciplined soldiers''. Spanking was soft, most of us got beaten badly as punishment, by parents at home and by teachers at school. As for food, it was so scarce and so difficult to obtain, that there was no place for "I don't like it/ I can't eat it".
tori Ohno 10 months ago
We didn't have the money to waste food, if it's on your plate you eat it or go hungry. No second dinners cooked up for a picky kid. My parents and I have the best relationship ever. I don't consider it abuse whatsoever.
liam newton-harding 10 months ago
The abused tend not to know they are being abused, and your personal experience does not mean that everyone else had the happy childhood you remember.
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#3
Get into petty fights while on vacation and spending the rest of the vacation mad at each other. Seriously: every vacation memory from my childhood is of nothing but petty squabbles, and the first vacations I took as an adult without my parents seemed strange without some stupid petty drama ruining them.
Lyoness 10 months ago
It feels like my brother wrote this. In our family what used to kill me was how they'd be screaming at each other in the car on our way somewhere, then we'd arrive and they'd act like nothing was wrong. Then as soon as we got back in the car the fight would start right up again as if it had never stopped. Sick.
Binky Melnik 9 months ago
Huh. My dad didn’t come with us on vacations (he was a farmer), and I felt kinda short-changed about it, but now as an adult, I’m thinking I totally lucked out because he wasn’t there to yell at us and ruin anything. One of our trips was three months long. I don’t blame my mom for wanting that! 😀 I can’t imagine what it’d be like had he come along and they fought (they didn’t fight much, as I don’t think they liked each other, so they didn’t interact a lot), but I can see how that woulda wrecked your trips. Ugh. I hope your trips are MUCH better now, Lioness!
Load More Replies... Bob Jones 10 months ago
Same here. My parents never got on. Thankfully at home my father was always at work so they werent together much but on holiday they would bicker over everything. They thought they were staying together for the chidren but it was a relief when they separated when we were teenagers
Only Me 10 months ago
My ex would get into psychotic rages when we went on holiday, because he couldn't access cannabis and would go into withdrawal. It was so awful, he would accuse me of the weirdest sh!t and I'd have no idea what he was talking about so we'd have major arguments - picture him shaking his fist in my face, eyes bulging, spittle flying. In front of our boy. Yep, I shouldn't have reacted either, but the abuse was so unpredictable. In the end I stopped planning holidays. Eventually I left him. Since then I've taken my boy on some lovely, fun holdiays, no dramas, just good times. He's 18 now and has chosen to live with me while he studies for his degree. (The abuse that his dad used to heap on me was directed at my son after we split. But the family court in its wisdom decided that shared care was best. Yeah. Right.)
#4
I worked my whole summer when I was 15. I saved up around $1500 and my dad opened a bank account for me and put my money in there. I never touched it after that, didn’t even know how to access it if I wanted to.
3 years later I’m starting college and I’m at the bookstore getting my textbooks for my first semester. I call my dad and ask him if he wouldn’t mind helping me buy the books and he said “You’re 18 now, I’m done!” I was like, “WTF?! Well then let me get my money from my account.”
He says “What money? You spent it all” I asked when and he said every time he asked me if I wanted something like shoes or a jersey he was using that money to buy it. Sounds like b******t to this day. Either way he said the money was gone.
That is one thing I will **Never Ever** do, especially to my kid. F**k them over and spend their money.
Ashtophet’sRevenge 10 months ago
It’s certainly evil. The account was probably in Dad’s name too, so he had access.
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Rick Murray 10 months ago
My grandmother did something like that to my mother AND had the audacity to use emotional tricks like "I'm paying for everything for you". No, you're stealing. It's no wonder I have very little knowledge of my grandmother and, if what mom used to say was anything to go by (and, yes, I trusted my mom), it was for the better.
Tommy DePaul 1 week ago (edited)
Next time you see him, unless you've gone NC -- which is what I would do -- leave some brochures for local Medicaid nursing homes. Parents like this seem stupid to me: we eventually grow up, they grow old and infirm, and now we have the baseball bat . . . .
Lee Gilliland 9 months ago
I hope this post is less than seven years old so she can still call the police on him. That's fraud.
Sven Horlemann 10 months ago
I would seriously think about sueing him. Just for the fun of it.
#5
Treat my own child as a burden.
steffie-flies:
I never understood this logic. My parents had three before adopting me, and they hated all of us. I mean, why didn't you stop at the first if you realized it wasn't working?
David 10 months ago
Burden means a heavy load. Children are absolutely a burden and more people should consider that before having one. The fault lies in telling your children they are a burden you don't want. Most people understand (to varying degrees) that children are a huge commitment in terms of time / money / emotions / etc. But you should never make your child feel guilty for being your child.
OzymandiasTheManokit They/Them 10 months ago
children are supposed to be the products of love. treating your own child as a burden? why?? wear a frickin condom next time, Jesus Christ!
Jessica M 10 months ago (edited)
My mother was guilty of this, there were days where she would say "I really don't feel like being a mom today," or "I need a break from being a mom," and of course this wasn't said calmly, which would have made a world of difference. It was during an emotional rage. I was a smart mouth so I'd respond with "we need a break from you too," because our home was only ever peaceful for my siblings and I when we were home alone.
#6
When I was very young I got an allowance every week, $5 to me and $5 to a bank account.
At some point, when I was probably 7 or 8, my mom went on an adults only trip to Disneyland with her parents and siblings. My mom brought me back some Winnie the Pooh pencils and a Mickey Mouse cup. That’s what my money bought me, she spent every single penny that was in my bank account to fund her trip. My dad had no idea and thought her family paid for the trip. We were poor so there was no way my dad could replace the money and my allowance ended after that.
As an adult it’s something my dad and I will randomly joke about (my parents are divorced now and can’t stand each other) but as a kid it hurt to know that not only did I not get to go to Disneyland but all of my money was also gone.
David 10 months ago
NEVER STEAL FROM YOUR CHILDREN! (angry noises) For me it was silver coins (dimes, quarters) I was saving. It wasn't a ton of money but finding my little stash box had been emptied out by my step dad left me feeling violated and angry. I feel angry typing this so I guess it is a low key trigger. On a more positive note, I never ever considered doing anything like that to my children / grandchildren so perhaps that is the up side. If they ever gave me money to hold for them I always kept it completely separate with a note of who it belonged to.
Kim N Patterson 10 months ago
this is so twisted, awful and "oh man, i'm so sorry!" on so many levels.
#7
Smoking is the big one. I remember as a kid waking up before my parents, and I always knew when they woke up because I could smell the smoke from my room. It was absolutely disgusting. I’m so glad smoking indoors has become mostly obsolete (at least where I live) because there was nothing worse than being bombarded with the smell of cigarette smoke any time you walked into a restaurant or the house of a heavy smoker.
StrangeOne 10 months ago
Plus the inevitable health effects being forced on you as a kid. It's actually disturbing to see parents holding babies while smoking. Poor kid.
Binky Melnik 9 months ago
I’ve only seen two or three photos of me as a baby, but in all of them, the adult holding me has a cigarette in her mouth!
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Joshua David 10 months ago
My little brother had asthma when he was a kid in the 90s and both my parents would smoke inside. Like wtf?
Huddo's sister 10 months ago
My parents didn't smoke but my first two best friends parents did. The brief periods I was at their houses was enough to put me off. One of their mums recently died after suffering from emphysema for at least 15 years.
#8
Talk bad about my spouse in front of my kids, or air any marital disputes with them.
Lost Panda 10 months ago
No matter what's going on between me and their mother, I will not talk bad about her to them. Wish I could say it was mutual though...
LongFang 10 months ago
I never bad-mouthed my lying, cheating, bi-polar, narcissist ex-wife to my child. When she's an adult and if she asks why it didn't work out, imma like, take a seat, i'll get us stiff drinks, you're going on a ride !
Load More Replies... David 10 months ago
My mom divorced my bio dad while pregnant with me so I didn't grow up with him. But I always respected her for never bad mouthing him and acknowledging good and bad points about both of them. She never "poisoned the well" and as an adult I was able to get to know him pretty well.
Damned_Cat 10 months ago
My mom used to make up outrageous stories about my dad and other family members that didn't even make any sense. She would also make ugly insinuations and say, "you know what that means, don't you?" Um, no, I didn't know because I was like 7 years old.
#9
Talk to my children like they are my therapist. When I was a kid I knew way too much about the personal struggles my mom faced and I felt responsible for fixing them. I have horrendous anxiety to this day and always feel like it’s my job to fix her problems.
Kalikima 9 months ago
This! This was me and my mom. I knew everything going on in her life, still do actually. Except now I'm not a little kid. It was so bad at one point I wrote all my relatives that sent me Xmas presents one year asking them to send money for bills for my mom instead of presents, because we were so broke. Now I just listen and commiserate with her, but it took a long time to feel like I didn't have to fix every problem she had.
Justme 10 months ago
When my ex-husband’s parents divorced when he was 13, his mom made him (the only boy) the “man of the house”. She expected him to be her confidant and protector. He and I met in High School and married in college. She despised me for taking him away from her and leaving her all alone. Every family event was awful with snide comments and dirty looks. He never stood up for us and I split after 5 years.
#10
Force them to go to church.
hellabills14:
I really wish my grandmother taught me how to cope with life’s trauma effectively instead of going to church twice a week.
Luke Branwen 10 months ago
Another question tho: would you also respect your child's decision if they decided to follow a religion, or would you hit them with that condescending "magical sky daddy" BS?
David 10 months ago
If they are older, I agree. When kids are younger you usually take them with you wherever you go when no one is home to care for them. Same way you "force" them to go to the grocery store with you. The 'crime' IMO is those parents who disown their children for not agreeing with their religion.
Huddo's sister 10 months ago
Nothing wrong with taking them to church as long as they know you will accept them even if they don't share your belief. Not everyone who takes kids to church does so expecting them to automatically believe the same as them. They can hope they will share the belief but know the decision is up to them when they are older. Not everyone who takes their kids to church shuts down any talk of other/no faith. Part of bringing up children to think for themselves is sharing your beliefs and reasons for them as well as the beliefs of others.
Jessica M 10 months ago
My Dad is a JW, the only one in our family (thanks ex-step mom #2) and I was forced to go to their church, where they don't have Sunday school. Their book of children stories has a story about a woman being "forced to lie down" with a man, it blamed the woman of course, plus there's the constant talk of Armageddon and the end of the world, it caused my siblings and I a lot of anxiety and none of us are JW's.
Lola July 10 months ago (edited)
Having a relationship with God, going to church and fellowship all help me to cope effectively with life's traumas. It isn't just going to the building and I am sorry you didn't get a relationship with God and close friends to come along and help you to enjoy life, to comfort you when needed.... God is a great comfort, He gives hope, purpose and many reasons for existing.
#11
Yelling.
Unless my child has wandered off and is about to step in front of a moving car (like in Stephen King's book Pet Sematary) I don't see the need to yell at a child. I've yelled at kids before, and it is always when their about to touch a burning stove or they've climbed at the top of the swings and decide to jump off.... lol.
^ those are protective, guttural, paternal, instinctive yells. Like screaming *"FIRE!"* when you see a fire.
Yelling at your child, so close to their face, they can feel your spit - just because they left crumbs on the counter is abusive and there is NEVER reason or justification for that. If you are that wound-up, or your nervous system is on high alert that a drop of the hat makes you scream, you need to see a doctor. Its not normal behavior.
Cosmos in your eyes 10 months ago
This is something I really had to work on. For some reason, becoming a mother also brought a side effect of rage. I don't think it is uncommon, but it feels so shameful so we never talk about the anger that can rear it's head. I had to make a conscious effort not to yell. I'm happy to report the inner work has paid off and I have an amazing relationship with my kids (ages 10 and 12). Now I'm trying to help my husband yell less.
[>.<]/ 10 months ago
You need more upvotes, because you made the conscious effort to not yell. Good on you! And on your children. Thank you for that.
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Mommy Panda 10 months ago
Don't think OP has children. Sometimes it's really hard as a parent and you're also only human. I'm not saying yelling is normal (!) but we all lose our s**t sometimes when you've told your kids to brush their teeth 100 times, then to get dressed a 100 times, then to eat their breakfast a 100 times, to put on their coats a 100 times and dammit, by the time you hit 99 on telling them to put on their shoes, sometimes you might yell the 100th time... As in: CAN YOU PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST LISTEN AND PUT YOUR DAMN SHOES ON?!!!!
Trillian 10 months ago (edited)
Ah, I don't know. I am from a loud family. My mom would yell, us kids would yell back. And a couple minutes later tempers would cool down and we'd be fine. The families (and one ex partner) who would stay quiet and just not talk to each other for hours and days scared me. Also the people who just always stay cool and reasonable, like don't you have emotions? You don't always have to yell but I understand where it's coming from. I remember my oldest host kid in my au pair year once said to me she preferred when I sometimes raised my voice because she'd know I was mad and often understood why. Her mom was always quiet and never yelled and she felt she could never tell when her mom was mad but it still felt off to her.
David 10 months ago
AGREE. I never yelled unless the situation demanded an immediate reaction, like somebody was about to get seriously injured. I am generally soft spoken and I recall a conversation ("argument") between my two oldest grandchildren that basically went - "You can tell Grandpa is really angry because he is yelling" "Grandpa isn't yelling" "Well yeah, but he said it in a firmer voice, which for him is like when mom is yelling".
Lara Verne 10 months ago
Remind me of my father, who couldn't speak without yelling. Whole street could hear that.
Nikki van Reenen 10 months ago
Um... was your mother my mother?? Sheesh! She would fly into a stupendously banshee devil hell spawn rage for the most mundane things. I could never tell what would set her off.
MotherofGuineaPigs 10 months ago
I turned the light on in the oven when it was being used. She knew not to touch.
#12
Keeping my yard looking like a golf course. I'm not going to spend half my day off trying to impress people I don't know with something that I don't find too impressive in itself. Besides, a "yard" is not sustainable when treated that way!
David 10 months ago
LOL at the photo used. The yard looks immaculate but the roof looks like they probably have pots and pans spread around inside to catch all the leaks.
Paige Merlin 10 months ago
They probably do, thats a British boules club if ever I saw one. The buildings are of little consequence compared to the competition ground that is the lawn!
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Dusty's mom 9 months ago
I call it suburban civil disobedience. The worst lawn freaks are my fellow Boomers. The rest of us must give them nightmares.
Huddo's sister 10 months ago
We had to mow our nature strip, as part of civic duty because that's what was there, but my grandad concreted any part of the front and back yard that wasn't used for garden. As a kid, that was worse in my opinion, though we did use the concreted mini golf course and bat tennis (half tennis court size area for what is now essentially called pickle ball) court at least a few times lol. I am hoping to replace all the lawn at my place for native ground covers, but it is a slow process because of money and energy constraints.
Karl der Große 10 months ago
I am happy that so many people are giving up on massive lawns. Back in the day, people would just load the ground with pesticides, herbicides, and toxic fertilizer and water it until it was soggy. I applaud everyone who did at least a little xeriscaping.
#13
1. Talk negatively about my body.
2. S**t shame my daughters.
Embarrassed_Edge3992:
My dad used to call me names and make fun of my weight when I was a teenager. He thought he could shame me into losing it. It did not work, in fact, it did the opposite.
slightlysadpeach:
Emotional ab*se is mine too, mixed in with a sprinkling of physical. I’d never put a child through that and it’s a huge reason I’m low contact now. I am still f**ked up by how mean my parents were to me.
David 10 months ago
BP is/are idiots when it comes to what should be censored.
Load More Replies... Jessica M 10 months ago
This is a big one for me, my mom projected her screwed up body image problems onto my sister and I, my sister ended up having an eating disorder. My mom would tell us how skinny she was before she had us, like we made her eat Taco Bell for lunch everyday. My grandparents and Dad still point out anytime I've lost weight, that whole generation has the most screwed up ideas about body image ever. My sister and I have been able to make positive changes and when we try to put boundaries in place with my mom it only kind of works. I've called her out time and time again and she uses her age and generation as an excuse, I told her that I was taught toxic ideas about body image by her, she didn't teach me body positivity or healthy self-image, my sister and I got there on our own apparently her generation isn't capable of change.
Binky Melnik 9 months ago
I can still remember dieting when I was ten because my folks, and especially my dad, talked about my “pudge.” I’ve seen photos from then, and we looked skeletal, save for some baby fat in our faces. I remember weighing myself every day to see whether I’d lost weight, and reading the ladies magazines for tips on losing weight. I wish I could go back in time and kick his a*s. 😰
Kyra Noelle 9 months ago
I was shamed, bullied, bribed to lose weight, I look back at those pictures and I wasn't even close to being fat. I am now thanks to looking for comfort from food. That is a hard habit to break.
#14
Conditional love.
I’ve finally realized the source of my excruciating perfectionism, which is my parents only showing love/ affection/ approval of me if I did the right thing.
My kids will know they are loved no matter what.
#15
Stay in a failing, toxic, horrible marriage.
Kramanos:
Staying married despite hating each other. My Mom is so much happier since my Dad died. It's sad to think he never got the chance to be happy without her in his life.
They could have been two rad happy people, but no, religious convictions about divorce took that possibility away.
Jessica M 10 months ago
This. My parents were each other's true love but they were young and they split up and instead of trying to make it work, they both moved on quickly and then regretted for another 35 yrs. Both of my step-parents were terrible people, cruel and emotionally abusive and for whatever reason my parents just couldn't get it together to leave them, I think they were afraid they'd be making the same mistake again. They were the first generation with no fault divorce and they sure made the most of it. My dad's been married 5 times.
Huddo's sister 10 months ago
I was 17 when my parents finally separated for good. They had separated on-and-off for my whole life, but in the same house and I didn't realise it until I was older. I wish it had happened earlier, because it meant the fighting stopped. They are on friendly terms now and have been for most of the time since dad moved out. Mind you, if it had happened too much earlier, my little sister and brother would never have been born (there was a 7 year gap between us older three and them) and my life might have been completely different. My sister was 8 when they did divorce and she viewed it differently to me, as she hadn't been around for as much of the fights. My family friends (who I think of as basically my aunt and uncle) didn't choose to divorce (I should say, she chose not to leave him even though she wanted to) until after the youngest child turned 18 and you could see it eating her up. It also changed the way the kids viewed their parents. The son barely speaks to his dad now.
Huddo's sister 10 months ago
She still hasn't left him though, because he got cancer, and because both kids are still living at home and she knows her daughter would choose to stay with dad. It is so sad. She has pretty much been working for years just to save enough money to leave, despite back injuries and stuff, because although he pays for the mortgage, the bills and anything related to the kids she has to pay alone. He has a high paying IT job while she works at minimum wage in childcare (despite having other degrees, because no one will employ her without experience).
Load More Replies... #16
Fear-based parenting.
CurbsideChaos:
My (34f) mother (69f) told me last year, in our first true conversation in years, that her and my father hit me when I was a kid because they "didn't know what else to do".
And my siblings (who did not receive said punishment) wonder why I'm no contact with my parents.
Luke Branwen 10 months ago
I kinda see your point, but like... I firmly believe that if you see a little, defenseless human being that's absolutely dependant on you and your care, and you think it's okay to physically assault them, I'll assume there's something fundamentally wrong with you, whether hitting children is the "norm" or not.
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#17
Belittle my kids. Being condescending is not the way.
Fuhleeheece 10 months ago
Yes, they're kids. Yes, they're naive about the world. Parents don't have to call kids "stupid" to highlight the obvious.
#18
Say things to my kids I don’t know to be 100% true. I can think of so many examples of things my parents told me that I later found out to not be true. It’s ok to tell your kids you don’t know something rather than just make up some bs.
David 10 months ago
AGREE AGREE AGREE Do not lie to your kids. Do not lie to yourselves by telling yourself the "white lies" are not really lies so don't count. There will almost certainly come a time(s) in your child's life when it is important they know the words coming out of your mouth are the truth.
Lost Panda 10 months ago
My son in really into mythology and space and stuff. While I enjoy them myself, I don't know half the answers to the questions he asks... I tell my son "I don't know" more than I actually have an answer...
Brian Droste 10 months ago
With the internet you can say let's look this up so both of us can learn.
Load More Replies... Tyranamar Seuss 10 months ago
You’re fine. They’ve made up answers. And still, you’re fine. People are too hard on parents nowadays.
#19
Turn every single emotion into rage and then project that rage to every person in my home, making their lives miserable and causing them to walk on eggshells every second of every day.
David 10 months ago
Often accompanied by never accepting responsibility for their mistakes. The 'rage' is usually about how they have been wronged. And when it happens often, it often means in just about any situation they feel like they were the ones wronged. At least, that has been my personal observation.
Joshua David 10 months ago
Nailed it. Son of a raging alcoholic father here. Son of a weak mother who use to PROMISE us all the time she would leave him only to wake up a day later with him sitting on the couch in his underware smoking. At 17 I left and never looked back.
Load More Replies... Jessica M 10 months ago
My mom would come home from work angry and then yell at us if the house wasn't clean. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized her rage had nothing to do with me. I put more energy into cleaning and taking care of my siblings than I did my school work. I know she feels guilty about it now but it turned me into a people-pleasing perfectionist.
#20
Moralize food and eating and fat shame them. I also don't plan on cheating on my husband.
Fuhleeheece 10 months ago
Food is not a weapon to use as an incentive or a punishment for a child.
#21
1. Openly complain about finances in front of my children
2. Compare their academic performance to their peers or scream that a B- means they’ll be some kind of lifelong loser
3. Push college in any way.
Ashtophet’sRevenge 10 months ago
We always talked to our kids about household finances in an age appropriate way. A lot of that came from telling them “no” to something they wanted, then explaining why.
Susan 10 months ago
Children should learn about finances. Don't say things like "we're broke" but explain budgeting and the like. It's important life skills, they shouldn't just think that everything pays for itself. As far as the grades and college go, don't push them but at least be supportive and celebrate good grades when they worked hard to get them.
MotherRobinson 10 months ago
My husband and I decided long ago not to push college on our kids. We talk about other life options such as trades and military in addition to college. College is not the only or best option for everyones future. Everything isn't for everybody.
#22
Bar my future kids from dyed hair or piercings.
I’d probably still make them wait until 18 for tattoos but that’s more for brain development/maturity rather than ‘you’re not allowed to because I hate alternative looks’.
and_a_touch_of_the_’tism 10 months ago
My mom’s rule is she’ll pay for hair and ear piercings, but anything more extreme I have to wait till I can pay for it myself
Binky Melnik 9 months ago (edited)
I still laugh at parents paying for ear piercings. My sister and I wanted our ears pierced in the worst way, and when my mom said she wouldn’t pay, we said “Fine! We’ll do it ourselves!” We were ten and eleven. Thinking we’d never do it, she said “Great!” But we did it with sewing needles and the cap of a deodorant can (that was to brace the lobe). Man, was she shocked! 😱 But we got gorgeous snowflake earrings for Christmas. 😀 By the time I was twenty, I’d added ten holes to each ear. My aunt said “You look like a Ubangi!” Son of a b***h: Two years later, while washing my face, I looked in the mirror and realized I looked like a Ubangi! Now I just have two holes in each ear. But paying for piercings? Bah! I did ‘em all myself!
Load More Replies... Lyoness 10 months ago
Agreed. I think our kid dyed their hair from about 12 years old on (no bleach, Dr's ok). We didn't put any limit on ear piercing (reasoning they could always be taken out) but asked them to wait for face/body piercings until age 18. They started asking for tattoos around 16 but they had to wait until it was legal (underage you need parental permission here). We suggested they avoid face and neck tattoos but were clear that was their choice. The only other rule was they had to pay for it all themselves. In the past 3 years they've gotten more tattoos than I have, including a full back piece. I'm not a fan but what I think doesn't matter, it's their body. And yes this was a reaction to my parents full on control over my body. I was told if I did any of those things I'd be tossed out on my rear. Guess what I did as soon as I moved out! Point being, it doesn't matter how old someone is, their body, it should be their choice.
Child of the Stars 10 months ago
Playing around with hairstyles and colors is not only a great way for a kid to express themselves, it's also a great way for them to explore themselves. The worst case scenario is it looks ridiculous, and they have a funny story about the goofy haircut they got at 12 years old.
Meg Cain 10 months ago
Kids can get their ears pierced at 10, they will be old enough to properly care for them then. No dyeing their hair IN THE HOUSE, I don’t want a huge mess that’s impossible to clean up. No tattoos or other piercings until they are 18 and consider all possible ramifications of potentially stupid permanently body altering decisions. Like tattooing high school crush’s name on themselves. Tattoos are permanent. I want them old enough to make sure it’s something they won’t regret later.
Jessica M 10 months ago
My mom let me dye my hair pink at 15 and I wish she hadn't. I had beautiful dark blonde hair that everyone always called "dishwater blonde" or "dirty blonde," which made me dislike it. My natural hair was never the same after that. So, looking back I wish she hadn't let me do that. She told me that when we went grocery shopping the parents would give her dirty looks lol
Huddo's sister 10 months ago
My dad didn't (couldn't) stop us from dying our hair or getting piercings or tattoos, but he does let his opinion on them be heard very often. Thankfully none of us care about that. Our mum has always supported us looking however we wanted to, shaving my brother's hair into mohawks from an early age etc. She doesn't think we should dye it now, because of concerns about chemicals, but she still compliments us if we do choose to. When my sister got her first tattoo at 18, my mum paid for it as her birthday present and was also convinced to get two for herself!
Justme 10 months ago
Hair color rules: If it’s a normal hair color, go for it. If it’s a funky color, summer time only - then back to a normal color for school. Piercing rules: Ears only - but anything else could be open for discussion. We just never wanted anything other than ears. Tattoos: If you want the exact same design, color, location in 1 year and it’s something that could be covered if necessary, then it was okay. We had to pay for all of it of course.
Huddo's sister 10 months ago
My mum had the same rule about hair colour, but only because that was the school rule. I remember one girl in my class complaining because I never got in trouble even though I had dyed hair and the teacher pointed out mine was auburn while hers was pink (I think it was then, though it could have been green or blue because she did that too, no wonder she always had detention).
Load More Replies... #23
My parents were very disengaged from my education. I'd like to be more invested in the education of any children I have.
Captive 10 months ago
I couldn't ask my father anything. He would get angry and shout "didn't you learn that at school?"
Kyra Noelle 9 months ago
Probably because he never learned it and it made him feel stupid instead of using that as a learning lesson.
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Jessica M 10 months ago
My parents put time and effort into teaching us at home, we had a den that they converted to a library where we played, they bought learning toys, but when it came to actual school, they were very uninvolved. They rarely bothered with school functions, if I played sports or was in a play I could count them showing up to one game or performance a year. Looking back it was odd how they made learning such a part of our lives at home but we're so uninvolved in our schooling.
Lowrider 56 10 months ago
I don't ever remember my parents, teachers, anyone talking to me about school and college. I had no idea what i was doing but, I still managed to graduate high school. Honestly tho, I don't think i would have done very good in college.
Brian Droste 10 months ago
Yes, whatever grades I got or how well I did or didn't do in school was fine with them. So I didn't do very well after 6th grade.
#24
Have children when I can't financially or emotionally support them.
MushroomHead22 10 months ago
there are some cases where they can't afford it financially or emotionally, but they didn't have a choice.... this type of subject causes a lot of fights, and you know who you are, and you are wrong.
CP 10 months ago
I gave you an upvote to make up for the people that see women as less than human.
Load More Replies... Huddo's sister 10 months ago
Much of my parent's financial problems was because of my brothers disabilities, including meaning my mum couldn't work for 6 years. The rest was because of both parents having health issues themselves meaning intermittent work at other times. Should they have seen a fortune teller before having kids so they knew what would happen? They already had three of us before the eldest was diagnosed with a disability and both were working full time at that stage. My mum was then working and studying so she could get a better paid job when the younger two were born. It was only after then our financial difficulties got particularly bad, because dad couldn't work, mum was only able to work full time as a nurse for two years after that before she had to leave to care for my little brother.
#25
Force a cult of Christianity onto my child.
Jessica M 10 months ago
My Dad was a Jehovah's Witness, they don't believe in Sunday school on every other Sunday we'd sit there and hear about how the world was going to end. They were constantly reminding us that we were living in the end times. Even their book of Bible stories for children has a story about a woman who was hanging around trashy people and ended up "being forced to lie with a man," and we asked my Dad what that meant, and why the woman was being blamed for it, but he couldn't answer the questions and looking back I could tell he was shocked the story was included in a book for children. They also made use of metaphors we took literally, like "don't fall asleep in the end times,"
#26
Compare siblings. Especially when one has high functioning autism and does extremely well academically, and the other has ADHD and goes to school to socialize. Because I am only having one.
Northlander72 10 months ago
Having one kid won't stop parents who like to compare as a manipulation tactic. They'll just compare you to someone else 's kids instead.
Binky Melnik 9 months ago
To this day, when I drop a fork or comb or do anything else dumb, I can still hear “(pretty girl in class) wouldn’t do/say/be that!” 😞
Load More Replies... David 10 months ago
Nothing wrong with comparing. Just don't use it to put them down. Example of IRL comparison that was uplifting. Oldest granddaughter was a bit sad that she isn't as good at figuring out mechanical and computer stuff as her older brother. My "comparison" was addressing how people have different strengths and weaknesses and her gifts lie more in art and also nature / biology type stuff. She is much better at drawing and sculpting than her brother. She is also great at remembering facts and details about the various creatures she found on my property. She was "compared" and she left feeling good about herself because she has her own skills her brother lacks.
Aroace tiger (she/they/he) 10 months ago
I feel like I should mention that a lot of autistic people don't like the term "high functioning" and prefer "low support needs"
Betsy S 10 months ago
Or don't like to be pigeonholed at all. Autistic is autistic.
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Tigerwolf Spellbear 9 months ago
Or comparing child to themselves at x age. I KNOW that you had all your sh*t together by my age. I'm not you.
Betsy S 10 months ago (edited)
Autism is autism. Functioning labels are irrelevant and harmful. Every autistic person has many autistic traits. Some of those impact other people. Other people would dismiss that person as "low-functioning". Some traits only make the autistic person suffer in silence. Other people would dismiss THAT person as "high-functioning". Neither is true, neither is fair, neither is accurate nor necessary and only contributes to the discrimination against autistic people. NO FUNCTIONING LABELS please.
#27
Implant my fears and anxieties onto my child. Just because I can’t handle something doesn’t mean they can’t try if they want to. They can find their own limits and establish their own comfort zone.
Own-Emergency2166:
My 20s were basically a decade of “am I actually afraid of this or is it just one of my mother’s fears?”
Mik 10 months ago
I worked at a flower shop with flowers outside, so lots of bees, and one little girl was freaking out about it, and her mom told me 'that's my fault, she saw me freak out about a bee and now she does too, we have to start working on that' and I thought that was just amazing of the mom
Binky Melnik 9 months ago
Huh. I don’t freak out about bees, spiders, snakes, and so on, I guess because on the farm, I was always told what role they play in our lives and not to be scared of them. It never hit me until now that that was the right way to do it.
Load More Replies... Justme 10 months ago
Kids have no idea that I am terrified of heights- my husband and I have a skit going where we pretend to decide who sits out the roller coaster or fun walk across the bridge because someone always has to stay behind to hold all the backpacks, jackets, water bottles, etc. So far the kids haven’t figured out that it’s always me!
#28
Pressure them to get perfect grades. Yeah, you should try but you don't have to be the *best.*.
Lyoness 10 months ago
Are you kidding? You must be the best all the time! If you aren't going to be the best at something new right away there's no point in trying! If you aren't first you're last! Sound familiar?
Ace 10 months ago
Sounds like the stereotypical image of "Asian Parents" in the US often portrayed in the meme-world. Is there any actual truth in it?
Load More Replies... Lost Panda 10 months ago
Told my children when we got to Japan and saw they were struggling (they were all As and Bs in the states) that "I don't care if you make a zero as long as you try. And I'll know if you tried, because there's a difference in a trying 0 and a not trying 0"
Meg Cain 10 months ago
The perfectionism. Even our extracurriculars had to be competitive, anything less than 100% on music competitions resulted in being grounded, and the only “reward” for a perfect score was not being punished and getting the condescending scorn of our mother. My brother won’t even touch a piano now. It’s taken me years to deal with the anxiety and pressing need for perfection. Perfection is a goal that is often unattainable and its constant pursuit will only lead to misery. I require that my kids do their best. Put their best efforts forward. If there’s something that they don’t understand and need to understand, that’s fine, I’ll help them work through it. But it doesn’t need to be perfect as long as they understand the material.
Huddo's sister 10 months ago
So glad my parents weren't like this. They knew it was more important for us to be well adjusted and happy (as much as possible) at school and be more well-rounded in education. It still meant my brother and I got good marks during high school and got into uni (though we knew we didn't have to go if it wasn't what we wanted). My brother went on to get first class honours and do a master's degree (not that it has helped as far as work life). My parents were just as proud of my degree even though I 'only' passed many classes, rather than getting distinctions. They also knew my sister struggled with school because of her ADHD and ASD and were happy for her to do the vocational leaving certificate in year 11 & 12. This meant she could work and get a certificate in warehousing as well as learning other job skills and do a course in screen and media, which is her passion.
#29
Work away too much.
OrganizedSprinkles:
This!!! My parents both worked about 60 hours a week with commute. It's great they have a lot of money for retirement, but never got to come to my games. Now I'm overcompensating by being my kids leads in sports and scouts, but still trying not to hover too much. It's tough to balance making money and making time for the kids, and like 5 minutes for yourself.
MushroomHead22 10 months ago
your parents worked 60 hours a week in the same city you live.... my dad travelled for work every week and was home for the weekend. my mother lived in an entirely other city. i had a step parent raise me... i never had a parent at anything i did, i never had a parent bring me to a friends house, etc... i did all that myself. i was mad as a child. but as i got older and saw the type of childhood i had VS a the childhood some other children had (whose parents were present) they still had it worse... so yes, you can upset your parents work a lot, but what matters is they care for you, treat you with respect, and love you.. as adult im not longer mad at my father.
#30
Gonna be graphic here but I'll never ab*se my kid or make sexual things be the forefront of their life. My looks, my body and who I could/would like to be with was a constant conversation and mix of shaming and pushing.
I was s*x trafficked from a young age. Sexual things were always discussed around me. It's hard to get it off my own mind and I will never do it to my kid.
Ace 10 months ago
This is powerful. Far too many victims of child abuse, sexual and otherwise, repeat the same behaviour to their own children. I hope this person succeeds.
My O My 10 months ago
And it is so f*****g hard to do the opposite of what you "learned" every time the kids make you reach your limits
Load More Replies... #31
• Comment on my daughter's weight/force her to diet. I wasn't actually that chubby - but I sure as s**t ate all the s**t I wasn't allowed to when I got to university and wasn't under anyone's control anymore.
• smack my kid. Especially with that goddamn bamboo cane they had. They always deny using it, but I definitely remember being caned on the a*s a number of times...
Does my kid eat especially well? No, she eats like garbage, because *she's autistic, and the generational pickiness over food is actually an autistic trait*. But, she eats more fruits and vegetables than me or my brother did. She also isn't terrified of dinner time, because I just suck it up and roll her the hotdog, cucumber, and carrot sushi she will actually eat.
Does my kid misbehave? Yes, an absolutely normal kid amount. There's no malice, but she is an absolute goofball, and is still learning boundaries - what she is absolutely not, is a fawning people-pleaser like her undiagnosed autistic mum (me) was. She has more confidence than I did, and will just go out there and try things. She's also really bright, because she has been brought up to ask questions and know that it's ok to ask questions.
Do I think I am a perfect parent? Lol, no. I know she will look at my parenting and have her own opinions, and she will likely try something different if she chooses to have a kid one day. But, I am trying something wildly different from what my parents did, and it's all a learning curve.
#32
My dad was convinced that spending any positive time with me equated to "being my friend." I just wanted to spend time with him. He worked nonstop and was on call most of my life. I dont remember him taking a break ever. And if he did, he would not spend time with me.
I will play with my kids, I will partake in their hobbies and listen to their poorly told stories. I will make the memories I wish he would have made with me even if they bore me to tears. I just want to make sure my kid knows I want to be more than a paycheck in their lives.
RedHairedDragon 10 months ago
"Cats in the cradle" is a song about a father that regrets missing his son's childhood and realizing that he had no part in his life after he grew up. The reason it's a classic is that there's so many parents that recognize the pattern in themselves and regrets it, not that the father sacrificed everything for his son. Weird that some people even thinks that that's the message.
MushroomHead22 10 months ago
yes. BUT, being in those shoes now (i work a lot, and am on call all the time) and making decent money, with 2 kids, and i still find time to sit with them, play with them, listen to their made up stories, and listen to their needs. i'll be sitting at my desk working and highly focused on what i am doing, but if i hear "daddy?" i respond and take a few minutes to show them that they are important to me, and work can wait.
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#33
Being an alcoholic. Not allowing my kid certain foods like sugar or white bread. I think everything is ok in moderation but they wouldn’t allow it and when I moved out it set me up for bad eating habits because suddenly I could eat whatever I wanted. Also staying with my spouse if things are bad solely for the purpose of keeping the family unit in tact until everyone finished high school. It was so toxic.
#34
Backhand compliments. Till this day I still remember when my dad said what you think you will graduate. Good luck! thanks dad.
David 10 months ago
Charles, A "backhanded compliment" is a combined compliment and put down. Examples might be, "You're very pretty for a fat chick" or "You did pretty good for a girl". Can be about males too obviously but in my examples, the person saying it might defend by saying, "What's wrong? I said you are pretty and you did a good job". But of course the recipient heard, "You are fat and girls are expected to do an inferior job"
Load More Replies... #35
Shaming my sons for dressing flamboyantly. Not in a hateful homophobic way but in a way where there are “protecting” me from being bullied by non existent bullies.
Huddo's sister 10 months ago
My mum fully embraced my brother's Hawiian shirt phase. My sister makes fun of him now (she was only a baby at the time) but I don't see why, he was wearing what he liked, just like she was during her full emo/metal phase
#36
Pressure my kid into getting into a heterosexual marriage immediately after college, so they “have enough time” to have multiple kids.
#37
Let work absorb you even outside of working hours and not even expect to be rewarded for the effort. I fundamentally don’t get this blind loyalty to a company that will never return it.
Tyranamar Seuss 10 months ago
It’s called a paycheck. The fundamental horror of thinking you may not have one. When you’re the sole provider, is terrifying. Keeps many of us horrible parents deeply engaged in work so our kids don’t have to eat out of garbage cans and sleep in a shelter. Amazing how motivating it can be
#38
1. Have kids. My mom did not want to be a mother, but had me anyway. She never made it a secret that she didn’t want to have me. Fortunately, my dad is AMAZING. I had my dad and my grandparents, but the damage was done. I swore when I was very, very young that I would only have a kid if I absolutely, positively wanted one. That point never came.
2. Possibly not get married, and if I do I will not stay in a truly unhappy marriage. My parents stayed together way longer than they should have. It was horrible to be in the middle of.
#39
They owned a bar. It destroyed their lives. I want no part of owning a bar, or any small business at all. Kudos to those that do, but it was rough. They never recovered.
#40
Well I'm childfree by choice so that's one thing. They passed on their generational trauma and had kids without considering how they would be as parents and the fact that babies grow into children who have needs besides basic food shelter clothing. They considered the only definition of success to be very traditional: get married, own a house, have babies and expect them to fend for themselves.
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What do you think ?
Lyoness 10 months ago
It's kind of nice to know I'm not the only one whose family was so f*cked up. Sad, but nice.
Nikki van Reenen 10 months ago
I know what you mean!!! It doesn't make me happy, but kinda relieved that I'm not such a freak for how I grew up.
Load More Replies... Damned_Cat 10 months ago
Never have kids because you think it will strengthen your marriage or make your partner more mature or active. Also, never have kids because you want a little copy of yourself who can live your life over for you.
Rick Murray 10 months ago (edited)
My father was an absent drunken twat who died young. My mom was the voice of reason in my life. Thanks mom. I never distanced myself, quite the opposite in fact. I just wish I'd inherited some of her braincells.
Notme 9 months ago
I agree with you about the unrealistic standards of some of these (obviously written by non-parents), but Bluey is fantastic.
Load More Replies... Lyoness 10 months ago
It's kind of nice to know I'm not the only one whose family was so f*cked up. Sad, but nice.
Nikki van Reenen 10 months ago
I know what you mean!!! It doesn't make me happy, but kinda relieved that I'm not such a freak for how I grew up.
Load More Replies... Damned_Cat 10 months ago
Never have kids because you think it will strengthen your marriage or make your partner more mature or active. Also, never have kids because you want a little copy of yourself who can live your life over for you.
Rick Murray 10 months ago (edited)
My father was an absent drunken twat who died young. My mom was the voice of reason in my life. Thanks mom. I never distanced myself, quite the opposite in fact. I just wish I'd inherited some of her braincells.
Notme 9 months ago
I agree with you about the unrealistic standards of some of these (obviously written by non-parents), but Bluey is fantastic.
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