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What’s so funny about parenting? The fact that you have to deal with one too many wildings each day, from dusk until dawn? The preaching of the always tired gospel? Or the fact that you’ve forgotten what it's like to have a moment for yourself? Well, to be honest, none of these things are funny, but since most of us go through this process, we’ve found a way to cope with the state of parenthood. You know what we mean - laughter is the best medicine and the best way to take it is to laugh at some parenting jokes that tell nothing but the universal truth of raising kids. Thus, here we are, with our collection of hilarious, albeit painfully relatable jokes, formulated for moms and dads, but amusing to all. Except for the culprits of these jokes, maybe. 

Some of them are actual stories that happened to very real people, which, in our eyes, makes this list all the more fun and enhanced to its max capacity. After all, when the truth is as absurd as this, no joke could outdo it! Then, there are, of course, some true mom jokes here - based on reality, but entirely fictional. Or are they…? Well, you be the judge! But for now, why don’t we all skip straight to our list of the best parent jokes and finally have that well-deserved comical relief for which we’ve gathered here in the first place. 

So, give your kids something to do on their own, scroll on down below, and check out these hilarious jokes! We cannot promise that they will make your entire day better, but we are pretty sure that they just might lift up your spirits. If you encounter such a joke on this list, give it your vote, and if you feel like these parenting jokes could do some good for your friends sharing the same fate as you, then share! 

This post may include affiliate links.

#1

"Hats off to the waiter that kept a straight face as my 5yo ordered the vagina for lunch instead of the lasagna."

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    #2

    Me: *on the toilet*

    2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

    Me: I’m downstairs!

    2yo: Oh... *runs off*

    Me: Why have I not tried that before?

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    #3

    Me: Yes, you were in my belly.

    3yo: Why... *tears in her eyes* ...why did you eat me?

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    #4

    "Somehow I’ve lucked out and have an 8yo who thinks secretly reading under the covers past her bedtime is an act of rebellion, and it hasn’t yet occurred to her that her flashlights never seem to run out of batteries."

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    #5

    8-year-old: *fights with her sisters*

    Me: All right, who started it?

    8: You did when you had so many kids.

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    #6

    9-year-old: My dress has pockets.

    Me: Okay.

    9: Nothing can stop me.

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    #7

    "My daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me."

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    2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    God kids these days know comeback like a boss, do they take secret lessons?

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    #8

    Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

    Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

    Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

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    #9

    "I asked my son to turn down his music and he 'okayed boomer' me so now we're turning off the wi-fi for a bit."

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    #10

    "I couldn’t decide if I wanted bangs or not so I cut bangs for my daughter and she looks awful. Dodged a bullet there."

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    #11

    Ice cream employee: I didn't know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.

    Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

    It's like she didn't want a tip.

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    #12

    "I don’t know why people say having a dog prepares you for having a kid because my dog has never wanted to watch Frozen 47 days in a row."

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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have the same problem here, but i dont mind it, sorry i can't teach anybody how i reached this state of peace, suckers! (͡ ͡° ͜ つ ͡͡°)

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    #13

    "Sometimes I like to mess with my family and hide their stuff where they can't find it. Like I put their shoes in the shoe closet, their jacket on a hanger and their keys on the key hook."

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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    my parents do this to me, lol, and i run around the house looking for them.

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    #14

    "There weren’t any swings available at the park so my daughter yelled, “SOPHIA, EMMA, OLIVIA, AIDEN, YOUR MOM SAYS IT’S TIME TO GO!” and now the park is empty."

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    #15

    "Grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings."

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    Madeleine Flowers
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Apparently my factory settings are annoyed and spiteful, at least that's what I get reset to any time my grandparents come over.

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    #16

    "I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand."

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    #17

    "My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

    So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

    Then we had a duet and my point was missed."

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    #18

    Me: Oh my, you drew eyebrows on your forehead in permanent marker.

    5: You look surprised.

    Me: So do you.

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    #19

    "My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night."

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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Can't you realize the consequences of what you've done?!

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    #20

    Me: What should you do if you see smoke?

    6-year-old: Ask what you're cooking.

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    #21

    "My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT."

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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Now they have winged bunny children and they are the ones that invented chocolate coins

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    #22

    "Self-confidence is my four year old asking me to turn off the ceiling fan so he can show me how high he jumps."

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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Just pretend you turned off the fan, he jumps, and you have a couple hours of quiet time before he wakes up again

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    #23

    “Dad isn’t it weird that the word chicken can mean an animal or a type of food?” - my kid, on the verge of making a horrific realization.

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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My little bro didint beleive me when I told him animal chiken and food chiken were the same

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    #24

    "My 3 year old daughter threw a tantrum and started throwing things and stomping her feet. I started stomping along until she started laughing. Then she said “okay I’ll pick all this up” and cleaned up her mess. I feel like some sort of champion."

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    #25

    "My son washed his own bedding last night so I’m torn between being thrilled and mortified as to why he washed his own bedding."

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    #26

    My daughter on in-person learning:

    "They couldn't keep the bathrooms clean; how are they going to disinfect the whole school daily?"

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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Why is it still not possible to report problematic comments?

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    #27

    6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

    Me: Finish your dinner first.

    6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space.

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    #28

    "It’s amazing humans can learn something new everyday. For example, every Tuesday my husband learns our son has soccer practice at 6."

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    Judy Reynolds
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Every September, I would hand my ex a birthday card and say "sign it, it's for your mother". Every September, he would ask me how I knew when his mother's birthday was.

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    #29

    "I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels."

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    #30

    *Making friends at the playground*

    My 6yo: How old are you?

    Other kid: I'm 13. What about you?

    6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 - I’m 6.

    My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

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    2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Son-in-law has been complaining for years that he's "nearly 30". He turned 29 a few days ago. Now he's moaning that he's almost 40.

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    #31

    "We homeschool. 12 started school by himself at 6:30 this morning. I asked why he started already and he said "I just want to get this done so I can get back to being lazy sooner. Right on bro."

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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I used to do that all the time. Or do a few days worth of work so that I could have the rest of the week off. I miss that.

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    #32

    "I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”"

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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "Sorry I got more important stuff to do, my barbie is going on a date and I have to get her ready"

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    #33

    7-year-old: I ate all of my lunch at school, and half of my friend's.

    Me: Didn't she want her lunch?

    7: When someone gives me food, I don't ask questions.

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    #34

    5-year-old: I'm going to be so good tomorrow.

    Me: What about today?

    5: I have plans.

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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Paw-patrol and hiding in the pantry eating honey nut cheerios

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    #35

    "My kids were screaming at each other.

    I told them to stop fighting.

    They said they weren't fighting. They were playing "Karens."

    Now everybody is grounded."

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    #36

    "I just had to tell my 5-year-old not to walk down the stairs with a bucket over her head, so I think we can stop saving for college."

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    #37

    Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?

    2: Hit my brother.

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    #38

    6-year-old: Do you have lots of money?

    Me: I'm rich in other ways, like family.

    6: So you're broke?

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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I am broke becuz i was an idiot and chose you over money

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    #39

    "When a kid asks a sibling to play a game of tag, they're basically asking if their sibling wants to take a jog that ends in a fight."

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    #40

    "7s class just had a very lively debate on the topic, "Is cereal a soup?" and I gotta say THIS is the 2nd grade content I lurk for."

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    #41

    "My son on why Caleb is his best friend at kindergarten: "He doesn't really speak English, so we can skip all the talking and just get right to the karate.""

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    #42

    I caught my 9-year-old helping my 5-year-old with her math homework.

    When they noticed I was watching, they started fighting.

    Have to keep up appearances.

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    Leoninus Fate
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    this reminds me of my lil brother and sister, I was adopted, and I was the only one that didn't fight {even tho I had bad anger problems} and I would notice they would stop as soon as our mom left the room, and asked them, my sister laughed and said "we like her to think she's the one that's making us stop when we "fight" cause it makes her happy when we stop", so then I said "why pretend to fight at all then?" and then there was a real fight and I got punched by my lil bro lol.....we were {me} 13, {sis} 11 {bro} 5

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    #43

    "Hear me out a party bus but it picks up other moms and we get to sleep while it drives around playing true crime podcasts and nobody talks to us or asks us for anything."

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    #44

    "I wear contacts so my toddler now asks everyone if they have their eyes in before she shows them anything."

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    #45

    "One of the joys of parenting is being scared by a low-battery toy screaming in middle of the night like no horror film ever will."

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    #46

    "I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school."

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    #47

    "Parenting is a lot like drowning except when you finally surface for air, you immediately catch on fire."

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    #48

    Me: Why are you naked? You can’t be naked at school you know.

    My 5yo: I know that’s why I’m naked now because I’m going to miss being naked so much.

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    #49

    "Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him."

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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I told my daughter in Walmart with other people around It's my right to embarrass her because am her father. btw she's 13.

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    #50

    "“You know what’s weird? We name all our pets but we never tell them OUR names” my daughter going deep today."

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    #51

    "I just clomped down the stairs loudly because of my heels and my son said, “Oh somebody gonna be in trouble today. She’s wearing the mean shoes.”"

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    #52

    "Having a 2 year-old is like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it." - Jerry Seinfeld

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    𝑪𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒓𝒊
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I really hope your 2 year-old does not actually have rotating blades inside of them

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    #53

    My son would like me to tweet this joke he made up:

    Q: What do you call a pig from 65,000,000 years ago?

    A: Jurassic Pork.

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    #54

    "If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform."

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    #55

    "My 5yo asked if she could have a brownie and I started to say no cause it was too close to dinner and she said, “please your highness”. So I asked her where that came from and she said matter of factly, “Cause you’re my Queen.” So anyway, she’s now having brownies for dinner."

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    #56

    "It's weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I'd have to remind my son not to touch the dog's butthole." - Jr.Williams

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    #57

    "If I ever get kidnapped and taken to an undisclosed location, I'm sure my five year old will find me whenever they let me use the bathroom."

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    #58

    "Not my 9 year old telling me she’s having a problem with a boy at school so they’re having a rap battle tomorrow."

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    #59

    ME: *exists*

    KID: That’s not how mommy does it.

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    #60

    "My kid’s soccer roster looks less like a group of 8 year olds and more like a band of dwarves in Lord of the Rings."

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    #61

    "If I ever have kids I'm going to be a no-nonsense parent. If my kid ever cries and throws a tantrum, I'll be like, 'I'll give you something to cry about!' and then I'll make them watch Bambi." - Samantha Ruddy

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    #62

    "My husband walks into our closet to find me drinking a large coffee and eating a doughnut in the dark. He says, "Do the kids know you are in here?" To which I reply, "Welcome to the teacher's lounge.""

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    #63

    "My daughter would unplug my life support to plug in her iPod."

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    #64

    "The parenting books didn’t warn me that someday I’d find myself at the playground wiping my kid’s bottom with a McDonald’s cheeseburger wrapper, yet here we are."

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    #65

    "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing." - Phyllis Diller

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    jesprenray avatar
    Jespren Ray
    Jespren Ray
    Community Member
    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My favorite version of this: “cleaning the house with kids in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos”.

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    #66

    "“Do not taste the dog” and other things I never expected to say: a parenting memoir."

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    #67

    "The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops."

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    #68

    "4yo starts to meltdown because I flushed the toilet instead of her (major faux pas). Then as tears brim over her eyelids, she takes a deep breath and says, “life is more important than toilets”

    Life is more important than toilets, y’all."

    LizerReal Report

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    #69

    *Middle of dinner*

    My kid: Can I have a snack?

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    #70

    "I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day."

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    #71

    "My daughter has been home from school for 30 minutes. She’s been talking for 40 of them."

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    scottcrowell avatar
    Scott Crowell
    Scott Crowell
    Community Member
    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    At she waited until you were home. Mine would start at her daycare, all the way to the store and then home. 2 hrs of oh nice, wow really, No way!

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    #72

    "Whenever I get discouraged and want to quit something, I remember the words of my then 3 year-old after she puked carrots all over the living room floor: "I'm gonna need more carrots.""

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    #73

    "After folding all of the clothes I can only assume that I have 7 children and two husbands that I was not previously aware of."

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    #74

    "Anyone have the cheat codes to parenting a 3-year-old? This level is hard."

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    islandgirl_1 avatar
    Island Girl
    Island Girl
    Community Member
    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The trick is to imagine what it will be like parenting a 13 year old.😉

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    #75

    son: Can I have your phone?

    me: No.

    son: Can I have your phone?

    me: No.

    son: Can I have your phone?

    me: No.

    son: Can I have your phone?

    me: WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT?!?

    son: I want to look up what it sounds like when a giraffe farts

    me: Why didn't you lead with that? Have a seat.

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    #76

    "Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie."

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    #77

    6yo: "When my play date gets here you and her mom can just go do 'Mom Things' like drink wine and talk about Girl Scout cookies, ok?"

    maughammom Report

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    #78

    "ABC’s. 123’s. Animals. Colors. Great. Super.

    We need more children’s books about weekends and sleeping in. You know, for the kids."

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    #79

    "My 7 yr old wants to know how many years I spent in "Mom training school" and if I "practiced enough with dolls" before I had her; I don't like this line of questioning."

    Wordesse Report

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    #80

    "I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, "I'm NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I've been whispering. Now I'm free!""

    JennyPentland Report

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    #81

    "I told my 10yo as her school was cancelled that this was so unprecedented, her generation may end up being defined by it. Not two minutes later she excitedly exclaimed "we don't have to worry about getting shot at school for three whole weeks!" Sobering af."

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    #82

    "It took my toddler so long to pick a spoon for dinner, she forgot what she was doing, I forgot what I was doing, and we just stood there staring at each other until she left."

    BunAndLeggings Report

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    Brenda Smith
    Brenda Smith
    Community Member
    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    ...do not give in to that...you are still young. Give yourself time. It will come a day, toddler will be grown, out of the house, hopefully and AGE will assist with memory. Do not rush it--take a deep breath.

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    #83

    "Being a parent is just basically walking around the house saying, "Clean up this mess!" until everyone is crying."

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    #84

    "Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”"

    robfee Report

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    endless-purple8 avatar
    (˚▽˚)
    (˚▽˚)
    Community Member
    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I am, only if i liked the cartoon myself, if i didn't im gonna delete it and keep the ones i like

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    #85

    "I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking."

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    #86

    "My teenage daughter just walked in my room and said, “Mom, if you take my hairbrush can you please remember to put it back?”.

    I just looked at her and laughed and laughed and laughed until she slowly backed out of the room."

    whinecheezits Report

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    #87

    "Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs."

    simoncholland Report

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    #88

    "Daughter now refusing fruit for breakfast saying she doesn’t “like sweet things in the bitter morning” so I guess it’s safe to say that 3rd grade is when reality first kicks in."

    Dad_At_Law Report

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    #89

    "To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don't feel guilty if you're not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they'll be fine."

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    scottcrowell avatar
    Scott Crowell
    Scott Crowell
    Community Member
    2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You've never been quarantined with you child for a year for remote learning have you? Hmmmmm?

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    #90

    "Why is it called bribing your child and not kid pro quo?"

    copymama Report

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    #91

    "As a parent, I was prepared for the boy to get into violent video games, but I was not prepared for him to become obsessed with a vineyard management sim called Terroir and get upset about critics slagging off on his Zinfandel."

    WillWiles Report

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    heather_35 avatar
    HeatherDPanda
    HeatherDPanda
    Community Member
    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Wait what??? At least is isn't Starcraft on repeat, "OUR ALLIES ARE UNDER ATTACK" "THE ENEMY IS AT THE GATE" when they played on the TV!

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    #92

    "Why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? Has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?"

    mom_tho Report

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    #93

    "The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink."

    Chhapiness Report

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    #94

    "My 4 year old just got mad at me for not calling myself the Best Mom in the World, so if you’re looking for a life coach who’ll scream at you until you believe in yourself, have I got a recommendation for you."

    thearibradford Report

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    #95

    "As long as you sing to the tune of "You Are my Sunshine," you can literally say anything you want to a baby. I just vented all my frustrations and she still fell asleep. Best therapy ever."

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    #96

    "My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry."

    skittle624 Report

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    Miz Chelle
    Miz Chelle
    Community Member
    2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Wait... your McDonald's has a working ice cream machine!?!?!? WTF!!!

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    #97

    "My 11yo just screamed across the skatepark “MOM! DID YOU EVER GET OUR HEALTH INSURANCE REINSTATED? I WANNA DO A TRICK!”"

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    #98

    "None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means."

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    michaelcallahan avatar
    Michael Callahan
    Michael Callahan
    Community Member
    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I find answering them honestly and directly when these kinds of questions come up stops these kind of questions🤣

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    #99

    "I have a friend who has no kids but he has tattoos, and he talks about them like they are his kids. He says things like, 'This is my oldest. It's my favorite.' 'This one was the result of a long night of drinking.' 'This one came out a little darker than I expected.' And so on." - Keith Alberstadt

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    lisavalen avatar
    Lisa Valen
    Lisa Valen
    Community Member
    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Someone asked me once if I wanted to see their tattoos and hear the stories behind each. "No thank you", said I. She showed them all to me anyway.

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    #100

    "No one laughs or even smiles when I sing “Lord I was born a scramblin’ man” every time I make eggs but that’s the dad life, baby."

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    lisa-mahoney1975 avatar
    The Deez
    The Deez
    Community Member
    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm going to sing this every time I make scrambled eggs from now on!!

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    #101

    "My kids just ate a second breakfast, so I guess I'm raising hobbits."

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    Susan
    Susan
    Community Member
    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I fully support this! I have elevensies almost every day!

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    #102

    "Half of parenting is just moving cups away from the edge of the table."

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    #103

    "My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school."

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    Atchaco-Leigh
    Atchaco-Leigh
    Community Member
    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    As a person that is in boarding school I can confirm that this happens.

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    #104

    "What doesn't kill you wakes you up at 5 am asking for cereal and Peppa Pig."

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    Nicole Trombly
    Nicole Trombly
    Community Member
    2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I can’t hear or say “what time is it?” Without singing (in my head of course) “it’s time for lunch”!! Da@m bubble guppies!

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    #105

    7-year-old: This is my friend. He's been in my class since KINDERGARTEN.

    Me: That's only three years.

    7: That's like half my life.

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    #106

    5-year-old: I'll miss you when I'm at school.

    Me: I'll miss you, too.

    5: I was talking to my stuffed animals.

    XplodingUnicorn Report

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    endless-purple8 avatar
    (˚▽˚)
    (˚▽˚)
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "You think I'll miss you? We've been stuck together for nine months haven't you had enough?

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    #107

    "My 10-year-old made scrambled eggs for her sisters, but they refused to eat it.

    She was distraught.

    Why would they turn down perfectly good food that she worked really hard on?

    Welcome to parenthood."

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    #108

    "Have kids so you too can receive thought-provoking questions such as, "If Goofy & Pluto are both dogs then why does only Goofy talk??""

    HomeWithPeanut Report

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    endless-purple8 avatar
    (˚▽˚)
    (˚▽˚)
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It is the only reason I would have kids, to someone to share these thoughts with (• ε •)

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    #109

    Me: Go clean your room.

    Translation: Go away for a few minutes. We both know you're not going to really clean anything in there.

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    #110

    "Stepping down from my job to devote myself full time to reading the emails from my kids schools."

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    #111

    No one:

    Absolutely no one:

    My five year old: You can touch my blood if you want.

    mom_tho Report

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    #112

    "According to my kid, the perfect amount of time to stay at the park is five more minutes."

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    SlothyK8
    SlothyK8
    Community Member
    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It's also the ideal amount of time to lay in bed after being awoke in the morning And the correct amount of time to be allowed to continue screen time before bed.

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    #113

    "I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game."

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    #114

    "My daughter is asking the tooth fairy for $100, “because I really liked that tooth.”"

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    #115

    no one:

    my 5 year old: I know that guy in blues clues isn’t really talking to me because one time he asked me to do something and I said no and he said thanks.

    mom_tho Report

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    #116

    "My daughter’s s new favorite game is called “walk around the table together”. It’s about as exciting as you’re imagining."

    Average_Dad1 Report

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    #117

    "My four year old just asked me to eat the rest of her fries and i wept for suddenly the pain of childbirth was erased."

    mom_tho Report

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    #118

    "I asked my son what he wanted for his birthday and my daughter yelled MORE DEODORANT so now I have a favorite child."

    sweetmomissa Report

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    #119

    "Nobody is more drunk with power than a 5-year-old telling you to “go fish.”"

    TheCatWhisprer Report

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    RandomFrog
    RandomFrog
    Community Member
    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Hahahahah this reminded me of that one time my (around five at the time) sister put a camp chair on the fold out table and held/pointed a broom at people while yelling at everyone.

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    #120

    "My kid’s doctor kit includes a stethoscope, an otoscope, a syringe, and like 9 dolphins."

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    Indosidius
    Indosidius
    Community Member
    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The dolphins are there to make people happy. Happy people live longer.

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    #121

    "I want support my children and encourage them to follow their dreams, but right now my 3yo's dream seems to be to open every cupboard door in IKEA."

    Anniewritess Report

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    #122

    "My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog."

    TragicAllyHere Report

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    #123

    "My 2-year-old stood still and cooperated when I brushed her hair. Just kidding. I chased her through the house like Jason in a slasher flick."

    XplodingUnicorn Report

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    #124

    "My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure."

    CrockettForReal Report

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    #125

    "Great news I got a 100 on my son's geometry test."

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    #126

    "Optimists see the cup half-full.

    Pessimists see the cup half-empty.

    Parents of toddlers see the cup spilled all over the floor."

    HomeWithPeanut Report

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    GPZ
    GPZ
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Technically it was the contents spilled "all over the floor"

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    #127

    "My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she'll be getting regifted."

    AllanForsyth Report

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    #128

    "“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me."

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    #129

    "Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something."

    yoyoha Report

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    #130

    "My daughter knew her alphabet and could count to 15 a little after she turned two. Everyone told me she was advanced for her age, and I began having visions of my very own Doogie Howser.

    She's about to turn three, and yesterday I watched her try to put on a tank top as if it was pants for twenty minutes. I guess she'll be my little Rain Man." - Nathan Timmel

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    #131

    "You think you’re going to have a pretty normal day and then your 5-year-old announces she only walks backwards now."

    Lhlodder Report

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    #132

    "Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today."

    maryfairybobrry Report

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    #133

    "There’s an urban legend going around that one time a kid went on a 20 minute car ride without a tablet or fidget toys."

    simoncholland Report

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    #134

    "No smartphones for my kids. They need to suffer years of fleeting, awkward eye contact with strangers like I did."

    SarahThyre Report

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    #135

    "Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome." - Nate Smith

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    #136

    "For having a 50% chance, my youngest kid gets her shoes on the wrong feet 100% of the time."

    AnthonyCongi Report

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    lisavalen avatar
    Lisa Valen
    Lisa Valen
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I marked each shoe so my kids could get them on the right feet.

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    #137

    "I never realized how much of parenthood would involve competing with the dog for my kids' leftover fries."

    LurkAtHomeMom Report

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    Emanual Henry
    Emanual Henry
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    If my kid doesn't finish his chick filet, I've got the same look in my eyes as my dogs

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    #138

    "Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop."

    mommajessiec Report

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    Sleazy Weaver
    Sleazy Weaver
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    2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    i don't get it. adults are allowed to say no to unwanted physical contact, & it's becoming more common for people not to expect hugs from little kids if they're uncomfortable with it, but teenagers aren't allowed to have boundaries? come on, there's no need to embarrass them. the "no love in public" thing is just a phase they'll grow out of once they're adults. you know they love you really, but peers can be extremely judgemental & often bully others for being a mama's boy/girl or being "immature". just be understanding & respect your kid's boundaries during the teen phase. they'll be out of it soon. i really don't see what's so funny about publicly embarassing a loved one. don't make those difficult years any harder than they need to be. THAT'S how you show your teen you love them, not by doing something you know will make them uncomfortable.

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    #139

    "Kids mispronouncing things is super adorable but at some point I will have to tell my daughter we don’t put Farmer John cheese on spaghetti."

    simoncholland Report

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    Stymied Egan
    Stymied Egan
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    We were on a planned tour in our local museum with kindergarteners. They asked the kids questions about the paintings and at one point they asked my son something. There was mild look of shock when he explained that most of the art had cheeses in them.

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    #140

    "Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!"

    reallifemommy3 Report

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    #141

    "Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it."

    Kim_pulsive Report

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    #142

    "Beware of a child who has learned a joke or a magic trick."

    Jake_Vig Report

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    #143

    "When your kid hates celery and finds out it's in their favourite tomato ketchup you've just gotta hold their hand and ride that rollercoaster with them."

    thisbrokeme Report

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    #144

    "Being home with kids all day is just the loneliest never-alone thing. Like living in a cave filled with malfunctioning Teddy Ruxpins."

    Sundry Report

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    #145

    "Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you." - Ray Romano

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    #146

    "You want to know what it's like having a fourth kid? Imagine you're drowning, then someone hands you a baby." - Jim Gaffigan

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    #147

    "I'm totally 'that dad' who leaves a note in my son's lunch box. One day I'll actually start putting food in there also." - Steve Ryan

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    #148

    "Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them responsibility for 24-36 hours." - Conan O'Brien

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    Sleazy Weaver
    Sleazy Weaver
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    yeah, no. that just means you have no idea how to take care of a fish if you're killing it off that fast. my goldfish (my fiest ever fish!) is almost seven years old & is still going strong. it was rescued from a classroom where it was kept in half an old 2 liter soda bottle with no food, swimming in its own filth with no change of water for weeks. i got it a nice big tank (NOT A BOWL), decorations, a filtration system, & a food dispenser on a daily timer so it wouldn't be overfed by family members thinking it hadn't been fed yet. even if the fish was mistreated before, you can still give it a long & happy life if you know what you're doing. the whole "goldfish die fast" thing is b******t. goldfish can live for up to 15 years but nobody bothers to do their research or take care of their fiah properly because they're so cheap & "disposable" & not treated like living things. congrats, you're teaching your kids to be irresponsible & not value the life of animals.

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    #149

    "There are times when I kiss and hug my son because I love him, and there are times I do it so 70 years from now he doesn't run for the presidency out of vainglorious spite and then kill 150,000 people because taking advice emasculates him."

    bessbell Report

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    #150

    "My 4 year old handed me his toy car with flashing lights and “realistic” engine noises and asked me to turn it off because it made his head hurt so can I retire from parenting now or what."

    threetimedaddy Report

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    #151

    "I sometimes equate it to what it must be like running a prison. What happens with three boys is you end up barking out orders like, 'Upstairs now!' 'Brush teeth!' 'Lights out!' There is so much chaos you can't really take the time to articulate." - Will Ferrell

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    #152

    "I think my 5 yo might be the second little pig because he has collected a whole house of sticks on the front porch."

    Daisyldoo Report

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    #153

    "My daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive."

    DontWorryBoutB Report

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    #154

    "Since my son knows everything what should I ask him?"

    pro_worrier_ Report

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    stephanvandermerwe avatar
    Indosidius
    Indosidius
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Ask him where do babies come from, and post his answer. I dare you.

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    #155

    "Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, 'You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.'" - Ari Fishbein

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    #156

    "Gave children 'The Talk' today. They needed to know that mechanical pencils, no matter how aesthetically-superior, will only bring sadness."

    Manda_like_wine Report

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    Emanual Henry
    Emanual Henry
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    2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    What is wrong with mechanical? I don't like how regular pencils feel to the touch

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    #157

    "Asked my niece if she had to go number 1 or number 2 and she said "666" and is crawling on the ceiling lol parenting is hard."

    Hadzilla Report

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    #158

    "Being a parent apparently means buying stuff in bulk."

    harikondabolu Report

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    #159

    "A good outdoor activity to do with kids is trying to find them after you've been looking at your phone for 3 hours."

    EliTerry Report

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