"This week my eldest has been doing sex education at school. Shes very mature about it & having a midwife as a mum, they know a lot more than your average kid, no 'front bottoms' or 'nunnys' in this house, it's strictly a 'vagina' affair (which coincidently would be a great title for a drama series on TV) That said, she's chosen tonight (when @mother_of_daughters is away) to ask questions about men which makes me feel like an embarrassed child, but i promised to tell her the truth. My personal favourites - "do you wear a condom daddy?" Me - "Yes". Then why do you have so many children? Touchè. "Have you and mummy had sex more than 3 times?" I laughed proudly - "Way more......like at least 9 or 10 times" ( I didn't want to come across as a sex crazied maniac). Can wait to until she asks if I've ever masturbated.....I will actually curl up in a ball and die."

"What goes 150mph without leaving the confines of isolation? A twin turbo powered cardboard box, that's what. Granted the aerodynamics were a bit rubbish & their road manners would bring about an instant driving ban, but thanks to a large Amazon box (that contained nothing for me FYI), I helped the girls leave the house & do a flying lap of the nurburgring without stepping a foot outside. Was the effort worth it? In a word - yes. They ate their lunch there, played in there and generally had the best day. The only negative - the constant noise of cars for 2 hours but I'll take that. Never underestimate the power of a cardboard box."

"You know those moments in life when you turn around & see your partner not as the mother of your children, or the person who shouts at you for not doing the jobs you promised you do, but forgot about but instead as the person you're lucky enough to have love you despite all your faults? As we silently slipped out of the house to gorge on a slice of child free time & the baby sitter talked at length with the girls about YouTubers I've never heard of - I captured one of those moments. I'm sure that the summer solstice sunset in the background helped as well as the peonies that @mother_of_daughters lugged around (that look suspiciously like a photoshoot prop, but was actually a gift for a friend). What ever it was, I'm a lucky man."

"Had I known that volunteering to take all 4 girls swimming would result a public body shaming at the hands of my own off spring & a day light mugging by a vending machine that refused to fork over the poppets, I probably would have just stayed at home. It's not the swimming that I hate. It's the 10 minutes in the family changing cubicles I despise - A battery farm of naked families all contained in 6 by 6 ply wood boxes within inches of eachother - all arguing about who got mummy's pants wet, where that random plaster that little Timmy is licking came from and why no one has any sodding 20ps for the locker. Not content with this uncomfortable setting, my girls decided to very loudly state as I undressed - "look, look - it's daddy's willy!' This was closely followed by laughter from them, several others kids 1 cubicle over & a passing adult who couldn't contain themselves. Then to top it all, as my girls finished changing, they swung the door open &, as if in a budget red light district that specialised 35+ men who haven't exercised in a while, exposed me in my birthday suit to any passes by that fancied a free gander. No slush puppies today girls, daddy needs to leave this place immediately."

"The list of 'Things to not do' with kids grows with each passing year - Don't give your kids the password to your phone, unless you want a phone bill with 3 zeros. Don't give them the wrong coloured cutlery unless you want to be on the receiving end of stares that could freeze the surface of the sun. Don't say "if you're still hungry, you can have fruit" unless you want a banana surgery removed from you eye socket & latest addition which we recently learnt - don't, under any circumstances, let your friend bring round a tiny Chihuahua puppy, let them hold it and fall in love in the space of 30 seconds, and then yank it away, unless you want an afternoon of Armageddon size tantrums and a constant stream of abuse about how mean you are for not buying a puppy that wasn't for sale in the first place. Lesson learnt."

"There are 9 standard unwritten rules when it comes to bath time that all parents must learn & follow: 1). whoever runs the bath must milk it for as long as possible. Swishing the water to make bubbles & thereby extending this short stay-cation is completely allowed as its technically still doing the job. 2). You absolutely must make towers out of soapy hair & time how long it stays in position 3). If you're given a bubble beard, you MUST pretend to father Christmas complete with voice, even if it's June. 4). If you're on your own, you're totally aloud to skip bath time now and again as your other half will never know. As the old proverb goes "If a tree falls in the forest and no ones there to hear it, does it make a sound?" Same is true with bath time. Just ensure that you take steps to make it look like the kids touched water (i.e. splash some water around, move the bath Matt etc). 5). It doesn't matter how much you cover your tracks, they'll always find out you skipped bath time. 6). There is no such thing as too much conditioner when it comes to curly hair. 7). Never ever leave a full bottle of shampoo in the hands of child unless you want to return to £5's worth of product in the bath and an empty container 8). If you finish the bath with more than 50% of the water still in the tub, this counts as winning at life. 9).. It's totally ok to leave the kids clothes in a pile on the floor and forget about them, only to rediscover them the next evening. Have I missed any?"

"Ever wanted to look like a slightly eccentric grandmother? Let your kids give you a make over..... If you have daughters (and even if you don't) there's a strong chance that your head has been commandeered as a make up practice surface where the phase "less is more" doesn't apply. In these circumatances, the use of eye liner is measured in gallons, foundation is wielded like fosting, lip gloss is liberally applied not only to the exterior of your luscious lips but also into your mouth (why?!) and glitter (otherwise known as the Satan's STD as you can't get rid of the sodding stuff) sets up home in your hair for the foreseeable future. At least I can now confidentially say I'm officially "the prettiest of them all" - and by "them" I assume she meant stupid dads who say yes to everything & secretly love getting make overs."

"I know you're not supposed to show your kids crying or upset, but when I came across this whilst scrolling through memories today, it was so real and representative of every walk or outing we ever go on, I just had to share it. Is it just me, or does her twin seem to have a smug look on her face about the whole incident? Leaves me wondering if she tripped on her own or was pushed by her carbon copy. Whatever happened, it looks like a prime candidate for caption competition to me...... Don't worry, I'm sure the mental scares have worn off by now......probably."

"team work makes the dream work. This is especially true if dream in question is to commit domestic based petty snack theft. And what better partner is there to have than your very own genetic clone - this enables the thieves to achieve things to couldn't do on their own, have water tight alibis and cause genuine confusion when in a police line up.  There are however some down sides: 1). these 2 obviously never watched an episode of CSI as the amount of forensic evidence Left at the scene could have filled a bin bag. 2). Double the people means double the noise - they were as subtly as a 1970's Elton John outfit. And finally, 3). when the caught in act, they immediately turned on each other to save their own skin - Lucky for them I still struggle to tell them apart - In the end I just ate the biscuits and walked away. Crime never pays girls. "

"Love is understanding when someone needs to have a blow out & not be a parent for a bit. Love is agreeing to your other half staying out for the night with friends via text at 10.30pm without arguing. Love is knowing 50% of the parenting team is rendered useless and being ok with it. Love is driving to get chicken nuggets & a chocolate milkshake when they resurface in the same clothes as the day before. Love is letting adult headache sufferers have a nap. Love is letting that nap turn into a sleep & convincing the kids mummy's gone out so inquisitive children stay away from closed bedroom door. Love is remembering all the above has been done for me before and & that the brownie points I earned today will once again be traded in when I'm in the same situation sometime in the future & my brain feels like its been put in a blender & made into an inedible smoothie. Love is in sickness & in health and hangovers definitely count as sickness!"

"No, this is not a background extra milking their scene in some low budget B movie horror film. It's the moment when I was getting headshots taken for my book & Ottie decided she absolutely positively couldn't give me a moment to myself - transforming my moment, very much into her moment. Clemmie scooped her up seconds later & I can laugh at this now but it does remind me just how hard it can be to achieve the simplest of tasks when a wailing child is within close promixity."

"There are moments during your life that seem so far removed from reality that you can't quite compute them and your brain turns into a sort of  underdone omelette. On my commute home, I had one such moment. While waiting for the tube, I looked up to find a 12ft post of @mother_of_daughters staring back at me - my brain basically shut down and I descended into fanboy mode. "That's my wife!" Of course, no one else cared, but I do. Being British, we don't crow about our achievements but I feel the need to share my pride of Clemmie and her hard work, so I will. From her blog that helped so many pregnant women, to her work at hospital, the books she's written, the body positivity messages she puts out there, her podcast she spent months to normalise all types of birth, the jewelry she helped design and the working partnerships she's built over the last 5 years like this one with @marksandspencer - she's amazing & I'm just glad I get to hang on her coat tails for the ride. Oh, and I also now I get to say that I'm married to a model - if only I could tell my 15 year old self - he be thrilled. 11 year anniversary tomorrow and like a fine wine, it just gets better as the years go by!"

"No one ever asks you if you want to become a big brother or sister. it just kind of happens and before you know it, without having submitted a single application form, you're thrust into an unpaid job as a parent support worker with zero training & a benefits package that includes getting less attention & being left to fend for yourself. Some react to this new found responsibility as if they'd be told to drink a lethal cocktail of battery acid, snake venom and the tears of a 1000 orphaned puppies - they contort their faces at the very idea of the small people that share their DNA. Others are like Marnie. With no encouragement, they pick up the gauntlet & they become their friends, they pick them up when they're down, carry them when small legs get tired, make them smile when they're sad & they take their role of setting an example seriously. I have no idea where she came from, but she makes our lives just that little bit easier. Here's to big sisters and brothers everywhere - even the reluctant ones - you may not know it, but the littlest help is saving your parents sanity (and probably marriage!)."

""Daddy, I really want a fringe" ⠀
"Can you wait until tomorrow, it's late now and you're supposed to be in bed. It's 10pm"
"Ok"
45 minutes later.....⠀
"Daddy, I cut myself a fringe"⠀
"I give up.""

"I've woken up to my fair share of strange things, but this morning took the biscuit. Somewhere between @mother_of_daughters leaving at 4.30am for work & 6.15am when I woke, Delilah decided to drag her half slumbering carcus the vast distance of 3 metres from her room to my room. The only problem was that her batteries were deader than a cheap toy the day after Christmas, so despite her best efforts, she literally fell at the last hurdle & instead decided to do a rather convincing impression of a door stop. So close & yet so far. Don't worry, she didn't have floor boards imprinted on her face - I transported her to my bed & spent the next 30 minutes with my arm slowly losing circulation as it was trapped under her unconscious frame, while she snored like an aging donkey with a sinus infection. All I could do was stare at the ceiling & think about that old 'Friends' episode tactic - "hug for her, roll for you" - man, I learnt so much from that show."

"One day you're quietly getting on with life, the next you're being told that your daughter has been diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. In that moment, the world seemingly grinded to a halt. We're no strangers to the A&E waiting room, but this time it was different - this time it won't get better or be ok after being in a cast - this, unfortunately, is for life and that's the bit we're all slowly coming to terms with. The last week has been a whirlwind of hospital stays, meeting doctors, nurses, dietitians and a lot of quick learning and at the centre of it has been an extremely brave little girl who understandably has alot of questions. The hardest part is answering things like 'was this my fault? Did I do something wrong?" - and the answer is of course not - Type 1 just happens. The part I feel most guilty about is not seeing the signs, so thank god Clemmie was on the case - she put it all together, raised the alarm and got her into hospital before things became dangerous. It turns out there's been a recent rise in type 1 diabetes in children, so I wanted to highlight the symptoms to look out for - the 4 T's: 
1). Tired - extreme exhaustion and irritable behaviour 
2). Thirst - drinking alot more than usual 
3). Toilet - going to loo more frequently, especially at night 
4) Thinner - Marnie lost a lot of weight in a short space of time - I mistakenly put it down to a growth spurt. 

She's now insulin dependent which means quite a changes to our lives, but with the love and support of family and the wonderful @nhsmillion and @diabetesuk, we aim to make this as easy as possible for our little girl."

""Right, are you all ready for bed?" "No." "Please just stay in bed, it's taken ages to get you in here - just tell me what you need & I'll get it." Too late, she's already gone and legged it down stairs, leaving my sprawling on the floor after a miss timed tackle. After some smashing & shouting, Delilah returns with an umbrella and sunglasses. "Why?" "Because my beds too hot & I want to stay cool"

Sure.

Toddler logic is wonderful. Not sure if she meant 'querky cool' or 'temperature cool', but she nailed both in one go. "

"This little hand is no ordinary hand: When life's moving too fast and your focus is gone, when the noise is too much and your struggling to hear your own thoughts, When the world's too big and you're feeling insignificant, holding this little hand has the power to shrink it all down, to mute the world and to bring the cosmos to a grinding, momentary halt. Because this little hand, which I know so well, puts things into perspective and reminds me of what's actually important. Whether it's reaching out for reassurance, slowly stroking the back by neck while we hug, clasped in my hand for security, wiping a tear or squeezing my face, this little hand can make mountains crumble and tornadoes vanish on the breeze, with seemingly no effort at all. This little hand is the reason I'm proud to have people call me dad and reminds me how privileged I am to be able to play a part in the life of the person it's attached to. Hold their hands tightly before they stop asking to hold yours.

Not my normal kind of post I know, but I'm feeling feelings this evening and needed to write it down."

"Post vasectomy, the doctor gave me this advice - 'take it easy for a couple of days & try to just lie on the sofa", he then smiled and continued "but I know you've got 4 daughters, so that's unlikely. Just be careful". 24 hours later & with Clemmie reliving her youth by watching the Spice Girls & singing 'Wannabe' at the top of her lungs, I planned on following his advice. The timing was perfect - our new sofa from @sofadotcom arrived today, so my mission was to get some practice in for Fathers day & spend a considerable amount of time making a perfect imprint of myself on the cushions. The stage was set - a pizza & cold beer with in reaching distance & a strategically placed cold bag of sweetcorn for comfort - Bliss. This was the precise moment that I recieved an early fathers day gift - my first post op nut shot from Delilah (thanks Anya for capturing the moment). Luckily my tears just rolled off the wipe clean fabric. Fathers day will be spent attempting to set a new world record for being motionless while necking arnica & protecting myself. Wonderful."

"Who would have thought that holding a starfish would be the thing to highlight the importance of remembering that twins are individuals. Despite looking that they've been cut from the pages of a real life 'spot the difference' book, they are most definitely not the same - they are unique in their own glorious ways. One is fearless, comes with a decibel warning & could easily charm you into buying a car with no engine for above the asking price & still make you think you'd got a good deal. The other is more reserved & thoughtful, which often leaves me wondering: is it hard to live in the shadow of a louder version of yourself? Do you feel pressure to live up to the actions of your genetic copy cat, so as not to be seen as different? So when faced with the prospect of holding a starfish for the first time ever, one jumped at the chance. And the other paused. In the end they both did it, but did she do it because she wanted to, or because her sister did it first? I have so many questions, but Either way, I'm proud of both of them for being who they are."

"Here's to all the father's out there. To the fresh faced new dads & the ones who have war stories and experience lines. To the ones who act as human climbing frames, that fix broken things, that know all the lines to kids TV shows & that devour the kids left over food. To father's who strive to set benchmark of what men should be so high, that no future boyfriend's will ever match up. To the fathers who are a shoulder to cry on, not someone to cry about. To the dads that get on with life without making a drama, that stand in the middle of arguments instead of starting them, that counsel and guide the new generation to be better than themselves, that hold hands and give bear hugs that are accompanied with a good dose of beard rash. To the dads who stay at home, to the ones that work & to the ones that don't. To the dad's that tell terrible jokes & are a constant embarrassment to their offspring but see the fun in life, that smile and know that that they are doing their best for the ones they love. To every type of father there is out there - Happy father's Day - be proud you can call yourself 'dad' - it's a true privilege."

"So it seems that if you rip out a bathroom and just leave the bath in the garden because you're too lazy to sell it on eBay and give it enough time, it will become very 'on trend' - I was just 3 years ahead of the curve. Next stop, I'm going put a microwave in the bathroom and a dishwasher in kids bedroom. Watch this space - you'll all be doing it in 5 years time....probably. Seriously though, should I keep the bath in the garden? (I remember once someone ripping into me on my other account for having bath in the garden - I guess some people just have no style..."

"At the grand age of 3, Delilah has had her first holiday romance. But I've not had to worry about where she's secretively snuck off to or who she's holding hands with, because the object of her affections is, in fact, me. Delilah has drowned me in a tusami of love and adulation and for the last 3 days has stuck to me like a shadow with separation anxiety on a really sunny day. We've now spent so much time in extremely close proximity to eachother that even though we dressed separately, we've started to look like mirror images of eachother (if the mirror in question gave you the ability to go back in time & see yourself as a child). So now that I have a mini me, what should we do? Hold the world to random for $100 million dollars obviously (said in a Dr. Evil voice). I wonder if we'll be BFF's back home or if this was just a holiday fling?"

"Making a plan the night before travelling with the family to festival is essentially making an exhaustive list of things that you're destined to fail at, ending in a collection of people related to eachother, crammed in car, all hating eachother. Everyone up by 7am - nope. Every needs to help with the jobs - 3 kids immediately vanish to watch the TV & one goes for a 45 minute shower. Only 1 bag each - we've moved everything we own 4 hours down the motorway. Be out of the house by 10am sharp - We shut the door while mentally signing family divorce papers at 12.30pm because we all hate eachother. No snacking in the car until at least an hour into the journey - all the crisps have been devoured within 3 miles of home. But we're here & despite bringng way too much stuff, everyone is happy, ready to shake off the routine and lose themselves to the music. Bring on @campbestival 2019!"

"Despite donning my battered invisible parenting flack jacket which can deflect most of the stresses of life with children, there is one munition that it's powerless to stop & really should be be made illegal by leaders the world over. The prolonged whinging & whining that eminates for 3 year olds has the ability to cut through you like a surgeons knife & leaves you huddled naked in the foetal position, wishing it would all just stop. That's why this morning, after 3.5 hours of a sustained audio assault of dull droning directed at me for no particular reason, other than the sport of watching a grown man unravel, I found myself wishing I could go back to the simpler days. The days when they would lie in the baby bunk beds I constructed by stacking cribs on top of each other & I could be in their presence without wanting to eat my own ears. I know I shouldnt say this and perhaps this is rose tinted glasses, but I found that baby stage so much easier than the small shouty humans we've got right now. Sorry new parents, I think you've got the easy stage!"

"No, you're not seeing double & you don't need a new glasses prescription - today my twins held another pair of twins and my phantom ovaries basically exploding all over the place. But while I exchanged war stories, tips and tricks with my first-time-parent friends over BBQ food and breast feeding breaks, we couldn't help but wonder: if you have a choice (which you don't), would you rather have twins as your first kids like my friends have or after you've got some kids under your belt like us? There's no right or wrong answer and both have their pros and cons but it's something I've often thought about - have twins first and you haven't nothing to compare it to so you just get on with it. Have twins after having 1 or 2 first and you have the experience but you also have other attention seeking offspring  to look after as well. What do you think's easier? (fyi theres nothing easy about multiples and hats off to the parents of these two - you're doing brilliantly. !)"

"How do you go from pretending to be interested in hearing about the exploits of a Youtuber I've never heard of to struggling to explain gender reassignment surgery & the logistics of how you fashion a vagina out of penis? The answer - Talk to an 8 year old. Marnie is slap bang in the middle of the goldilocks zone of intrigue (much younger and she wouldnt think to ask, much older & she'd think she knew it all) which means in the last week along I've muddled my way through breast cancer, periods, mortgages, the age of the universe, what dreams are, time zones and how electricity is made. I swear If game shows ever run out of random general knowledge questions, they should battery farm the contents of 8 year olds minds as their ability to conjure up queries that leave you feeling thicker than a bank vault door & quietly asking google for the answers whilst on the toilet, is unmatched. Anyone else recently had a conversation with a child & suddenly thought "oh god, I'm out of my depth here, Im at the end of limited knowledge that I got from an article & now I'm talking s**t....""

"What would you do if someone asked you what socks you'd like to wear today? Most normal people would probably pick some socks, right? Not my girls. I can only assume that the twins are dramatically behind on rehearsals for their Vegas show - 'Transparent magic' - as instead of picking socks, Ottie made like a junior contortionist / glamourous assistant, dislocated her spine and hid in a see through box. Then Delilah, the front man of this C grade 2 piece, promptly stood on it, shouted what I assumed were garbled magic words directly at me & waited for her sister to vanish. Hands down the worst trick in history. You can through the box girls. Suffice it to say, the only thing to vanish was my patience and Ottie went to nursery bare foot. "

"After extensive field testing last week, I can confirm 2 things: 1). Sir Isaac Newton was right and despite my best efforts to put Delilah in a lower earth orbit, Gravity does exist - even in France and 2). After 10 years of conducting these types of important holiday based scientific experiments that help push the human race forwards in our quest for advancement, @mother_of_daughters heart still flat lines and all that well earned colour in her skin from lying motionless of a sun lounger drains out of her quicker than a gallon of water poured into an old carrier bag that's just been used for archery practice. You would have thought shed be used to it by now - I'm doing it for the betterment of the human race! (And for the smiles on my daughter's face, obvs)."

"There once was a girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very very good, but when she was bad....her tantrums had the power to boiled the worlds oceans in seconds, force planes to plummet from the skies like gravity propelled lead bullets and level cities to dust as the seismic ripples stretched out from its epic centre. If we were all perfect parents, we'd stop to sympathise and understand, but in reality, this is the point I give up, break out the biscuits and whack on the toddler crack (paw patrol) because frankly, sometimes I just don't have the patience to find out what nonsensical thing has set this small human bomb off. But this got me thinking. Perhaps we should forget nuclear fission or renewable power sources - if we could just harness the raw power given out by a tantruming 3 year old, we could solve the world's energy crisis in an afternoon. All we need is a large play group, some kids that can't share and some toys, but not enough to go around. Infinite energy & Noble prize, here I come! Oh hang, didn't monsters Inc already try something like this? Damn you Pixar!"

"An hour before this picture was taken, we'd had a blazing row over who's turn it was to check the kids home work and why the house looked like a explosion at a homewares outlet. The kids were screaming, no one was helping and it escalated to the point no one wanted to be in each others company. Under these cicumstances, the smallest things are magnified X 100 and it's exerts pressure on all of us. A pressure that can be hard to cope with. Just know that behind closed doors, the vast majority of people struggle in some way or another, it's just a matter of degrees. So here's to those trying to balance it all - don't be too hard on yourself or eachother when you fail. You may hate eachother from time to time, but in end, it's the people around you that will get you through. If you're struggling at all, have a look at my stories from today. I hope it helps. "

"Yes they are painting common house bricks which could be interrupted as lazy parenting, but let me explain. If there's 1 essential lesson I've learnt on this horizonless journey through parenthood, it's that sometimes it's ok to do less. Maybe it's just my girls, but there seems to be a clear inverse relationship between the amount of time I spend flogging myself to death to set up overly engineered dens, prefectly laid out tea parties & Michelin starred play doh restaurants that Giles Coran would rave about, and the time my attention deficient offspring actually play with the fruits of my labour. So that's why I'm now perfectly comfortable plonking a dusty old house brick on a table, letting the twins go to town with the poster paints & walking away - a brick or an empty box seems to trump a prefectly presented teddy bears picnic with matching cutlery any day of the week, so my message to you is - do less and be ok with it - embrace the law of diminishing returns, minimise effort & maximise returns! FYI - The irony of them mixing all the colours into a brown sludge & then paint the brick the same colour as it was before was totally lost of them, but I found it hilarious."

"Keep looking .........keep looking.......now you seem them!  This is just one of the ridiculous bed time routine stages that I seem to have to undertake EVERY NIGHT. Remember those days was you'd hold them in your arms, give them some milk and gaze at the beautiful face as they drifted off to sleep? Rose tinted glasses I'm sure, but over the years, the list of things I have to do to get them to go the f**kin' sleep has grown and now its just stupid. The process goes like this: I pretend that the two girls covered by towels on the floor are rocks and promptly sit on them, then I put them in a cupboard and pretend I don't know where they are and call their names whilst they giggle uncontrollably. Then it's a game of catch with a one eyes polar bear called poley, closely followed by 2 books (one of which HAS to be Where's Wally), then its a game space rockets (where I throw them as close to ceiling as possible -not recommended). Then it's an audio book which they argue about. Finally, hugs & kisses and just as I close the door, they get out of bed and start fighting - like UFC fighting. The whole process takes 60 minutes by which time my dinner is cold and I've lost the will to live. And who do I have to blame? Me. I did this. Its totally my fault because I keep saying yes. ( because I can't say no to playing with them - idiot father)."

""Daddy what do you work at?" Boomed down the voice from up on high. It's Friday and I work from home which means I share my office with a house full of girls that think silence should be extinct. The conference call erupted into stifled laughter as I cursed my inability to hit 'mute' in a timely fashion. The truth is, not one of my girls really knows what I do for a job. For all the know, I could just lock the door and cover myself in ice-cream while singing Mariah Carey songs all day.
Mummy "catches babies", that's easy. Daddy is a lot more vague - "he looks at computers, talks on the phone loudly to people while mouthing the words 'go away' and waving his arms alot, and drinks tea all day." I've even heard clemmie say that I work in HR.....which i don't. I'm basically chandler bing - I'm a transpondster. Is this the case for everyone that works in an office. Is your job indescribable to kids? I bore myself when I describe mine....not exactly inspiring the next generation but it puts food on the table at least!"

"They said it was madness. They said it couldn't be done. They said twins parents were resigned to forever having to deal with kids fights over the who's turn it was sit on daddys shoulders and steer him by his ears / hair. Surely no one person could possibly give a shoulder rider to 2 children at once without assistance, a bionic exoskeleton & a spine made of steel girders that had been cold forged in cryponite. Well I'm here to tell you that they were wrong - and so the potentially Olympic sport of toddler lifting is born. Now excuse me while I look up local chiropractors and lie down "

"Arrhh, the evening routine. 6 months ago this was a simple affair, but since then, I've introduced a complex series of actions that were meant to be 'one offs' to get them to bed, but have instead become staples of the witching hour. If I don't perform, the crowd protests & now it's a nightly variety show that I only have myself to blame for. I once wrapped them both in 1 big towel & carried them in a cotton cocoon quoting the very hungry caterpillar. Big mistake - Now it's a thing. Then I introduced a funny voice for their bed time story. Now it's 1 story each & multiple voices. Then I got duped into nightly shake down that involves 1 vigorous full body rub, followed by a slow rub & a stroke of the face. Then a specific set of nursery rhymes has to be performed by Google as they drink their milk (one has warm & the other cold). then it's lights out. Of course @mother_of_daughters doesn't have a clue about my 'routine' so when they ask for 'one big one', 'A towel cocoon' and 'the rumbly voice' she just stares, pauses and shouts "Simon! I have no idea what they want - why have you made this so complicated?! Just put them to bed and stop hyping them up! Whoops."

"Here's a cost effective & stress free way of keeping the kids cool in the heat. Simply decide to rennovate your house & let builders move in for 7 weeks, covering everything a thin layer of dust that drives your wife insane while you live in 1 room with literally all your belongings. Continue by removing the one working bathroom you have & place all of the contents in the garden. Then wave your wife off to Glastonbury for 4 days & make paint colour decisions without her, knowing that you'll get it wrong & that if your whatsapp her with questions about moles breath vs. elephant dong (not a real colour fyi), you're not likely to get a response. Finally, as your lungs become more plaster than actual human tissue, hose a 2 day garden festival & fill the now alfresco traditional rolltop bath with a hose and let them go to town. In case you hadn't realised, this is neither cost effective nor stress free, but with the sun out, beer in hand & the door to my own domestic Armageddon closed, this almost feels like winning."

"Ahhh, Lego - those little blocks that 1). help make imagination a reality and 2). Cause grown adults to cry like children who've been biten by a pissed off pet hamster when they stand on them. Between the ages of 6 and 10, I spent most of my time in my room building stuff, chuffed that I completed packs meant for ages 12 to 14. I want my girls to have the same sort of childhood I did so I've desperately tried to get them into it, but patience just doesn't seem to be something this generation has. Within 15 minutes, Marnie was project managing from the sofa, leaving me to relive my youth as I waded through a sea of plastic cubes waiting to piece the flesh on the underside of my feet. What did we manage to create in 30 minutes? A mess basically. Do your girls play Lego as mine just don't seem interested."

"There comes a time in every parents life that have to face facts - The pile of baby clothes they've amassed over the last decade of procreation is now redundant as there are simply no more babies to hand them down to. For us, today was that day, so after mopping up the ocean of tears that accompanies this kind of earth shatter revelation, the next thing to do is organise into 3 piles: 1). Charity donations 2). give to friends and family & 3). sell. The only problem is that after 2 hours, every item that i pulled out of the musty bag we haven't seen for 5 years was met with "oh do you remember when she wore that to so & so's summer party?" Honestly, no I don't as in my experience, only the women in my life seem have the ability to remember what people wore at given points in time, but now that item has some kind of inreplacable sentimental value so it's going in pile 4). The keep pile, even though we don't need it. The only thing more frustrating was finding clothes we'd bought only for the kids to grow before they'd worn them. They still had the sodding tags on...... In the end it's all gone but my god, that was as long process!"

"For the last week I basically haven't seen Anya & Marnie, apart from the occasional flash of tanned skin streaking past with a crew of other giggling sugar high tweens or when they needed cash. I was getting frustrated that they didn't want to spend time with us but then @mother_of_daughters quietly asked "remember what you were like on holiday when you were their age?" Then it all came flooding back - playing nervously next to a group of similar aged kids, waiting to be noticed, being invited in and immediately becoming best buddies for life without knowing eachothers name, jumping in the sea, comparing tan lines, eating with other families, begging to leave the table as you'd arrange to meet everyone at the jetty, drinking Fanta like there was a world wide shortage, watching sunsets while trying to catch tiny fish, finding any excuse possible to stay up late and charge around with my friends with absolutely no responsibilities apart from having fun, all while my parents drank & laughed at the bar with their theirs. Then it all ends abruptly in exchanging of friendship bracelets, addresses and teary fair wells as you mourn the ending of your holiday life. It hurts a little know they're so grown up now, but I'm weirdly proud of them for ditching us as it meant they made memories (many of which I'm sure we won't ever know about) and got to live a little . I just wish I was 10 again! What's your best holiday childhood memory?"

"It's the little things that make being a parent so worthwhile. Perhaps this is something only dad's of daughters will get, but at random points over the last 2 days, a smile has grown across my face when I suddenly remember that beneath my boring standard issue dad socks, my toes nails are painted luminous colours thanks to a child-led make over /spa evening on the weekend. Having 4 little women in my life is a privilege and I'm lucky I get to say I'm their daddy.
I think we can all safely say I'm not going to be scouted as the next top toe model anytime soon (is that even a professions?!) But what they lack in beauty, they now make up for in colour!"

"14 years ago, while in a nightclub with floors so sticky, they could have been used as industrial fly paper, I stumbled across this girl that literally took my breath away. She'd been dancing frantically & was now bare foot, rubbing her tired soles. My chat up line was taken straight out of that best seller - 'Things not to say to girls you want to impress' and makes me cringe to this day - "Hi. got tired feet? You know what you need - Some scholls party feet..." After a long pause & despite coming across creepy orthotics salesman or someone with a foot fetish, she laughed & from that moment, our lives entwined. A year later we moved in together. 12 months later we had first daughter and a year after that, she did me the honour of marrying me.  11 years on and with 4 daughters in tow, she's still taking my breath away. @mother_of_daughters , thanks for not telling me to sod off back in that club and thanks for having all the kids. I Definitely couldn't have done it without you."

"I like to talk but sometimes photos do enough to encapsulate what watching your child grow up is all about. She used to need me to reach the leaves, now I'm just an obverver. Where did the last decade go?"

"On the list of things I dislike, clothes shopping is right up there. In fact, I would rather have my nipples removed by rabid ferrets during a world wide shortage of anesthetic than set foot in a clothes shop. Yet my girls love nothing more than browsing for garms, so I usually find myself assuming my position on 'the man chair' outside the girls changing rooms with a vacant look across my face, waiting for a fashion show comprised solely of my daughter's. Today however, I made the mistake. I picked up a top & said I might buy it. Within seconds, the 5 women in my life sensed a might actually purchase clothes from this decade & instantly transformed into a hive personal shoppers. Fashion advice was bellowed across the shop & clothes were thrust into my arms accompanied with cries of 'you'd look great in this' as I mental totted up the expense on showing an interest in a £15 top. I'd become a human mannequin. 15 minutes later, I was paying for clothes i hadn't seen and was drenched in a stress related flash sweat that Niagara falls would have been jealous of. I'll just put all the clothes straight in the plastic box under my bed and give them to charity in 5 years time when I next see them."

"I'm not sure if this is down to the clock changes or @mother_of_daughters leaving for work at 4.30am, but this morning illustrated perfectly the difference between a 3 year old waking up & me, someone 12 times their age (god, that's painful to say). A 3 year old wakes up naturally with a smile across their face & with batteries so full, the energiser bunny has considered lodging a formal compliant with the IOC, accusing them of taking performance enhancing drugs. Then they bound in for a game bedroom monopoly where they consume all the real estate & I end up instantly bankrupt & in jail (on the cold 6 inches at the edge of the bed). I on the hand, wake up aching, blinding hitting my alarm that goes off 10 minutes after I wake up (I have no idea why I set one) and hiding from the light like a vampire with overly sensitive retina all while having a soft toy forced down my throat. Sound familiar? I'm thinking a lock on the door may be a good option."

"She'll hate me saying this, but I'm proud to be able to call this on my daughter. It's easy to assume that the young teens have coped ok with the last year, but they have been somewhat over looked in the media. uni students, nursery schools and those preparing for exams all shared their stories, but there, in the middle, are the other kids - the kids in limbo. The ones who have missed out on a year of social interaction at a time when they're transitioning for children to young adults, whilst juggling a growing workload at school all with limited opportunities to vent and that has no doubt been tough (not that you'd necessarily be told by them as getting a blood donation from a boulder is easier than having a conversation sometimes). Being in your room alone with a screen for 8 hours a day sounds like a teenagers dream, but when it's every day for a year, the novelty soon wears thin and it ends up taking its toll. That's why I'm so proud of Anya - after school, she proactively found new friends online from around the country who had shared a passion for acting, they created a working group to develop a short film to highlight the emotional & mental impact that this last year has had on kids their age, scripted everything, edited it all and put themselves out there so that adults could see a different perspective and other kids could have something to relate to. I never would have done this at 13. Thank you for all those that watched and commented on their @nextgenshortfilms post. It put alot of smiles on some teens face and made the effort all worthwhile."

"How do you make a complete dog's breakfast out of the making the dog's breakfast? The answer is by saying 'yes' to those 3 little words that have many parents recoil in terror - "can I help?" When a 3 year old offers you assistance, I find it's usually followed by a sharp intake of breath & a slow acceptance that I'm about to lose several minutes of my life, as the simple task I was about to perform without bothering my grey matter, is transformed into an over engineered, glacially paced project where time stands still but the aging process accelerates. Add twins to the mix, and your 1 man, 30 second job has to be subdivided into 28 micro tasks which can be allocated out, which is rapidly followed up by agruments, me redoing the whole thing & a chuckle brothers style 'to me, to you' carrying of an item that doesn't need 4 hands. Sorry Pablo, breakfast is now lunch."

"How to you get out of feeling down?
Social media gets a bad rep when it comes to impacting mental health, but I'm not sure that's all that fair. Now you may just see me as 'that dad who makes a joke out of everything' but what you probably haven't realised is that I use instagram as a sort of free open source therapy. I get to openly talk about my challenges, my hopes & my fears, laugh about them & then send them off into the void of cyber space, where I get feedback from others who've dealt with those same challenges whilst making others realise that we all struggle and it's ok to laugh about it. And yet, recently I've haven't been feeling myself. it's not that I'm unhappy, I just feel a bit 'blah', a bit flat...... - like nothing matters. For as long as I can remember, I've been the hype man, the positive one : I see the solutions where my girls see problems. I see opportunities where others may see barriers, I basically keep things moving, but something has changed & I can't put my finger on what it is. perhaps it's my job. Or the summer holidays. or the lack of sleep or exercise. Maybe I need to get back on my bike or find a new hobby. Maybe I'm not fulfillled in some way that I haven't been able to identify. whatever it is, I'm in a funk, so i'm looking to you for advice: how do you lift yourself out of a low point and get back to being you? I'm all ears as I've never experienced this before."

"Have you ever had one of those days when you need to pinch yourself to prove you're not dreaming? Today was one of those days. When I started this journey to share the realities of parenting 4 girls & highlighting the humour in the mundane, I never could have dreamt of the opportunities it would open up and the experiences it would afford me and family. Today we rubbed shoulders with the A list at the European premier of The Lion King and although I didn't get a selfie with Beyonce, I did get to accompany my gorgeous girls down the yellow carpet and feel rather special - and that's all down to you. The million of you that have chosen to click that follow button. So thank you. Thank you for your comments, for your friendships, for the laughs and the tears. Thank you for the community you've created. Thank you for the support you give eachother. And thank you for giving us the privilege of being able to go to events like this that provide my girls memories they can cherish. Thanks a million. Literally. "

"For any parent to have something that resembles a break while on a family holiday, it usually means that someone else has to take the kids away, preferably either into a sound proof booth or into the next county. Today I was that someone else. So what do you do with 2 girls in the middle of the Devon country side while your wife & 2 older daughters induldge in shedding brain cells to "Mama Mia! Here we go again"? Go toddler friendly celebrity spotting of course! Now I'm obviously not talking about seeking out pop stars or watching some love islander from 'the side bar of shame' stumble out of a bar with their anatomy out, as 3 year olds don't give a shit about them. I'm talking about celebrities with 4 legs who live on farms because as we all know, if you're in 'old McDonald', to a toddler you are a triple A list celebrity god. I never thought I see a girl fan girl over a sheep or lose then mind as a cow walked passed, but there you go. Getting the autograph of the horse was taxing but we got there in the end. "

"Let's play a game of guess who. Guess who ate their body weight in sweets that they found wedged down the side of the seat? Who relieved themselves in an empty rocky road container without my knowledge? Who decided to leave at 7pm & arrive late at my parents house which is 4 hours away, instead of setting off at a reasonable time tomorrow? Who slept talked about dinosaurs? Who broke their head phone cable so I had to be audibly assaulted with the same episode of 'the octonauts' for 2 hours? Who thought having 4 kids was a good idea? Who directed me off the motorway and onto water soaked B roads in the pouring rain so that my precision cargo could back seat drive me the whole way? Out of interest - would you have left late and arrived at your destination late but knowing you'd have a full day the next day, or leave early the following day?"

"Up rooting your family & setting up shop in a totally new location where you know literally no one can be daunting. It's also a compromise - not for everyone mind you, but at least one person in the decision making partnership won't be getting exactly what they want and in our case, it was me. I had my heart set on moving back to Bristol, to be close to my family and satisfy the country side of me by having my ears ring with the reassuring tones of that distinctive west country twang. But I swallowed my dreams and gave in for the love of my family and in hindsight, I am so glad I did. Yes, I'm further from my parents but on evenings like this as I strolled down the sandy Kent beaches with my girls & my little furry man, It doesn't feel like I conceded or gave in, it feels like we made the right decision for our family and any initial regrets drifted away with the tide a long time ago - In short, It feels like home. If you're on the fence about a move or nervous about a new start, the only way you'll every know is by jumping in with both feet and seeing if you can make it work - don't live with regrets or what might have beens - life is too short."

"Are you booking one of those things.. you know...Remember when the whole family used to upsticks for a week or 2 and do the same things as they did at home, just in a slightly warmer place with less emails? What did they used to call them? oh, I know - HOLIDAYS. That special time when parents alcohol consumption goes up, screen time goes down, sand gets everywhere (this is Delilah feeding her sister a sandy chip on holiday - I could hear the sound of grit on teeth from a 100ft away) and everyone is just a slightly nicer version of their normal selves. The question is, has anyone actually got the guts to commit and book a holiday this year - at home or abroad - knowing there's a chance it will end up a puddle of childs tears and that familiar stench of disappointment when it gets cancelled? The last time i booked a holiday was in October 2019 - we're still waiting to go on it and I'm not holding my breath."

"Day 1 of the holiday: "That sand's very hot to walk on. Who wants a double shoulder ride?!" - twins in unison "MMMEEEEE!!!". With both shoulders filled, I promptly stroll to lunch as all heads turn on the beach - I am a king among mere mortals.
Day 6 of the holiday: twins - "Double shoulder ride now daddy!!!!" - for the 30th time in a week, my verbrate scream as I crouch to let them embark and regret ever thinking that dual human transportation was ever a good idea. Lesson learnt: unless you want to be a holiday Uber service for small people who have forgotten how to walk & think their legs are solely for keeping your feet attached to their body, don't start something that you're no prepared to do for the entire duration of your time away. Oh, who am I kidding, I love it and so do they! I can always get a new back for my 40th."

"many people may celebrate hitting a number of followers but I prefer to celebrate the number of posts and today I reach 1000 posts precisely. 1000 smiles. 1000 arguments with @mother_of_daughters about bedtime routines and who's turn it is to read stories. 1000 hours of lost sleep. 1000 lost hair clips. 1000 snap shots of our attempts into being half decent parents. 1000 rose tinted glimpses into our journey, with an infinite number of memories still to be captured. And if I had to do it all again, there's only one person I'd want by my side through it all because without Clemmie, these 1000 moments would have been so much harder to navigate. Bringing up girls is challenge, I'm just glad I have a partner in all of it. On to the next..."

"Although Christmas is a magical time of the year for the kids, for the backstage crew who pull all the strings to make the 'magic' happen (i.e. parents) it can a never ending list of stressful festive admin that's drives to see how quickly you can drink gin without going blind. That said, after listening to endless renditons of 'christmas pudding' performed by 3 year olds that would be laughed off x factor, the annual muffled swearing marathon that accompanies the unravelling of the tree lights (how, despite being neatly put in a box a year ago and not being touched, do they tangle themselves into a vipers nest of illunimations every time?!) and all the smashed decorations are swept away, there are magical moments that make you proud to be a parent - like lifting your kid to put the star on the tree. Of course we had to do this twice to avoid twin based Armageddon and pretend it was equally amazing both times, but it's finally starting to feel like Christmas. Now where's that gin..."

"Somewhere between the start of the new year (otherwise known as the "Shit Show 2020") and now, the number 'bedtime gang' members has grown from 1 toy and a solitary muzzy, to 2 babies, 2 cats, a dog called buddy, Peter rabbit, buzz f**kin light-year, 2 muzzies and my very own big ted (who is essentially an OAP and just wants to be left alone) . If just one of the group of misfits is missing at bed time, short of giving them a general anesthetic , it is basically impossible to get them to sleep without ransacking the house to find the furry arsehole that's gone MIA . Of course, this is my fault for not having a stricter bedtime bclub membership policy, but does anyone know how to reduce this number down to something less than the size of an American football team? All answers welcome."

"If you had a choice, being locked down with a mirror image of yourself that also happens to be your best friend doesn't seem like a bad option. Yes, 20% of the time they are thinking up ingenious ways annoy eachother, but when together, they are completely self sufficient (apart from asking for squash and endless snacks) which makes parenting just that little bit less stressful in these confined times. Who would have thought having more kids would have made it easier?! Not me, that's for sure. Oh, and the weather helps. Imagine if it was pissing with rain everyday..."

"There is nothing quite like the unbridled joy you feel when a child says that rarest of sentences - "daddy, can I go to bed early tonight?" - you don't have to ask me twice! - in under a minute, I had them in PJs with the lights out! After 1 full week of being back at school, the girls are more shattered than my dreams of retiring before the age of 30. For the first time in forever they actually wanted to go to bed and seeing an opportunity to experience an evening without child based interruptions, I obliged. By 7.10pm we were calmly lying down, listening to the dulcet tones of the guy who reads the audio book of 'Mog the Cat'. 45 minutes later, I woke up in a child's bed in to a cat screeching (Mog), 2 snoring daughters, drool down my cheek and a dead arm. Turns out they're not the only ones who are knackered, the difference is that I don't have an excuse - I'm just becoming an old fart and I'm totally comfortable with that."

"Before you ask, the answers NO. No, there were no mirrors used in this image and no, We haven't got yet another dog because we are not totally insane and I've done enough cleaning up crap in the last decade to last a several lifetimes. But when we got Myrtle, Clemmies sister bought Myrtles sister, Darcy. So human sisters, bought canine sisters that are now being held by twin sisters - That's a whole lot of females! I've always been outnumbered, but man, I really do feel like the sisterhood are trying to (not so subtly) run my solitary Y chromosome is out of town. (FYI - it would easier to remove my own brain using only Bonjela as anaesthetic than is to extract a puppy from a child arms at the end of the day)."

"No this isn't a post safari photo - this is the celebration of Keith - the unsung hero of our family that puts up with us and never complains (everyone names their car right?!). Keith is 10 years old, has a dent in the door when I miss judged a McDonald's drive thru while kids screamed "chicken nuggets!" in my ear and I lost my shit, a missing wing mirror cover that was stolen, an interior that has a thin layer of sticky residue over it that can't be explained & old crisps jammed down his seats that have now grown new species on them, but Keith is also a place where we make memories. Here's to Keith, and every other family car out there. You may not set any land speed records, and you may feel unloved but you are literally what keeps us moving."