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Someone Asked “What Are Some Men’s Issues That Are Overlooked?”, And 30 People Delivered
Interview
More often than not, being a man comes with the expectation to act in a certain way. The toxic stereotype of the masculine, macho guy tells us that they are supposed to be strong and unemotional. As a result, thousands of men never speak about their feelings and fight problems like depression, loneliness and low self-esteem in silence.
So when user slowskyincog22 asked to share some men’s issues that are often overlooked, Redditors quickly rolled up their sleeves. The thread went viral, collecting more than 41.8K upvotes and 18K comments and inspiring people to open up about how the male gender is a tough role to play.
Take a look at some of the most illuminating answers Bored Panda has collected from this thread. Make sure to upvote the ones that you agree with and don’t forget to share your thoughts in the comment section below.
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#1
I am a single father with primary custody of a school-age child with little social support in my area. I was also the stay at home parent while I went back to college and completed my degree.
It is damn near impossible to find good childcare. My female work friends volunteer but then bail at the last minute. I'm looked at as a threat by husbands of my son's classmate parents. I find that I'm often the only guy at the playground and get sideways glances from the cliques of women who go there. If I hire a babysitter I have to make sure I'm overly-cautious about respecting boundaries (if I'm even able to have a babysitter watch my child). Also, the normal competition among female mothers gets amplified and I'm often looked-down on as a parent. I don't fit in with working guys who just want to go out and get a beer because I have a child to take care of and women often reject me on online dating sites simply because I have a child.
I love my son and would do anything in the world for him. I feel like I've done a lot, but men in my situation have zero to little support or infrastructure to manage as a single, full-time parent in society. Men can be just as good parents as women and society needs to normalize this pronto.
Fabian Meresse 2 years ago
Raise this higher please, I'm in the same situation and experience the same issues
RELATED:
#2
Men who are victims of sexual assault, rape, domestic abuse, male suicide rates, and depression
We reached out to Rob Whitley, Ph.D., an associate professor in the Department of Psychiatry, McGill University, and the author of Men’s Issues and Men’s Mental Health, to discuss the problems men are facing today.
According to the professor, there can be multiple reasons why these issues are often overlooked. First, there are the harmful stereotypes of men "based on research indicating that people typically attribute significantly more positive and pleasant traits to women than to men."
"One common manifestation of such biased gender stereotypes is the familiar women as victim/men as villain dichotomy, where men are sometimes framed as villainous threats to the social order and women as helpless passive victims, regardless of actual circumstances," he explained.
#3
I saw a woman attempting to hit her boyfriend outside a local supermarket. He walked away from her. She followed him and kept hitting him. After this went on for about 90 seconds he shoved her away roughly once.
2 cars immediately stopped and men jumped out of them shouting at and threatening this guy for shoving her.
Nobody did anything when she was attacking him.
Edit: there are a lot of people commenting that I didn't help him either.
I reported the incident to the security guard. Both the man and the woman were bigger than me. I'm not a big/tough person, there are limits to what I would ever get physically involved in plus when the other people jumped out of their cars they could just as easily have targeted me if I had got involved.
I did what I could without endangering myself.
#4
So I'm at the park playing tag with these kids I'm babysitting and out of nowhere this old lady comes up to me and starts asking all sorts of questions. Do you know these kids? What are there names? Can you call their parents for me? Even asking the kids if they knew me and when they answered yes, she responded with "you don't have to lie, if you don't know this man, you can tell me and I can help you.
Then, there’s the gender empathy gap: "A relatively new phrase that refers to variations in public and private empathy towards men and women, with women typically receiving more empathy than men, even when controlling for situational factors."
Finally, we have the male gender blindness, "A tendency to overlook or ignore issues, inequities and disparities disproportionately experienced by men and boys in governments, health services and other institutions."
Rob Whitley told us that the current approaches to men’s mental health need to change because they "too narrowly focus on the singular concept of masculinity." Plus, they sometimes take an "unhelpful blaming and shaming accusatory approach by suggesting that men's mental health woes are due to alleged male deficits such as stubbornness and silence."
#5
The miserable Paternity leaves. Cause what man wants to spend time with his new born kid and a recovering wife right ! ಠ_ಠ
#6
Loneliness. Many men tend to have a lot of friends, but never close friends or people they feel like truly care about them, which leads to declining mental health, and maybe worse.
"In fact, less than 50% of people with a mental illness use formal mental health services, with service-utilization rates significantly lower in men compared to women, even when controlling for the presence of mental disorder," the professor added. "This underutilization has typically been attributed to harmful masculine norms that lead to a dysfunctional silence and stubbornness among men with mental health issues."
However, this explanation ignores several relevant factors. First, there is a high degree of stigma in workplaces, the family and elsewhere "that can deter men from using formal mental health services and breaking the silence."
#7
"Sorry man, we can't arrest her just because you have bruises and endless death threats. The prosecutor won't even file. It's really shi**y, buddy, we know. You can't go back to your house. She's established residency and only a judge can order her to leave your property."
I didn't believe the guy. The police confirmed it for me. Poor dude. I didn't even know we had this much power. The only option to get the person out of your house is a month-long process in court. A process she must LEGALLY be notified of. While she barricades you out of your own home...destroying everything in your name.
That's real sh*t. Most guy's won't go on TV like we will to tell the story. Sorry, dudes. We have a lot of power.
Bob Stuart 2 years ago
I got in big trouble with the Police for even expecting protection from my ex.
#8
The entire child custody/child support system.
Nimitz 2 years ago
Speaking from experience, a huge problem with the system is that there's no checking up after custody has been awarded past a few months. Divorces that award full custody usually mean things were bad and change needed to happen. However, the person who gets custody can change and become a new, even worse monster, and no one comes to help the kids again
Whitley continued that men in mental distress may fear that emotional disclosure and seeking help "can severely damage their employment status, future job opportunities as well as familial relationships. This can negatively affect their job retention, promotion prospects and career advancement."
It is for this reason men "may make a calculated cost-benefit analysis, deciding that the social costs of using services and breaking the silence outweighs the potential mental health benefits."
There’s also evidence that suggests that the formal mental care system can be unwelcoming for men, "and typically suffers from male gender blindness" since there are only a "few formal services devoted specifically to men’s mental health."
#9
Abuse from women/other men. We're told to just take it and toughen up, it builds character, puts hair on the chest etc. and we don't need support or a helping hand. F**k that.
Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
I was told this by my dad. I'm female. I identify as a hetero woman. It didn't put hair on my chest, but it did give me some great frigging PTSD.
#10
Emotional abuse of men. My BF suffered that in both his marriages and I am SO CAREFUL to not say or do anything that could make him feel the way they made him feel. I try very hard to be sure he knows I value him for who he is, just the way he is, every single day. Even he doesn't know how much damage they caused him.
I will never get over this 1950s assumption that women can't abuse men. Women abuse men way more often than anyone realizes, and the system is stacked against men in so many different ways.
To the men who have been emotionally abused, I am so sorry, and I would encourage all of you to seek therapy. It really does help. To the women who love them: don't stop loving them.
Allan Breum 2 years ago
I think that the misconception stems from the fact that men can physically dominate women (usually), so when they abuse their partners, they tend to use physical abuse. Women tend to use emotional abuse, and that is difficult to spot. I mean, a bruised eye is easy for everyone to see, a bruised soul is not.
Lastly, men often prefer a more informal action-based approach. However, Whitley mentioned that these are not readily available in the formal mental health care system "which typically proceeds on a 'one-size-fits-all' approach."
"All this has contributed to the growing popularity of informal action-based interventions such as men’s sheds, which are a promising and innovative practice that incorporates many essential elements of a male-friendly approach."
#11
Height is a common thing to joke about, nobody sees a problem with it but it can really whittle away at your self worth when people always make fun of you for it
Helen Haley 2 years ago
I don't want to date a girraffe. If I have to get a step stool to kiss you, I just can't. Give me average or same height as me. My grandpa was all of 5'5 and one of the best men to ever exist. Height isn't everything, the people making fun of your height are morons.
#12
There are almost always more shelters available to women experiencing homelessness. In my city, the split is about 75% beds for women and children and 25% for men.
I understand that society considers women more vulnerable, but I live in a city where it routinely gets below zero in the winter. Hypothermia doesn't care about your gender.
We also contacted Timothy Wenger, the founder of The Man Effect. According to him, "There are many influencing factors as to why men are often silent when they are struggling emotionally."
"I find that it is highly dependent on the macro and micro social settings that one is raised in," he told Bored Panda. When it comes to the micro, this could range from the family setting you grow up in, your parental figures, or friends.
"From a macro perspective, how does your society as a whole perceive a man who is not mentally perfect?" Wenger asked. "Assessing those types of influences can reveal a significant amount of insight into one's own life if the time is taken to do a self-assessment."
#13
Society doesn't seem to support a man who is without a job. There is pressure and programming for a male to be a breadwinner and no sympathy for when they want to be a house-dad.
Reason for my rant: My brother left a job due to a health issue. He has a 4yr old boy. His wife makes better money than him and they are financially secure. He worked too much which probably led to the health issue. I told him to take his time and heal. If he felt that urge to 'provide' that he could take over the house duties and give the nanny the summer off to connect with his son. I shared with him that I had been laid off a few times and each time I rushed back to getting a job even though we were secure enough because of the guilt I felt everyday of not 'providing'. He took the advice, I could see him smiling more, he started a garden with his boy, he cooked every meal and realized he loved to cook. I was happy to see him being happy again. Enter my brother's wife who says to us, "I'm the only bread winner now. I am so stressed out having to provide for this family by myself." I saw the happiness drain from him and anxiety filled that place. He is now set to start the same job he had prior just appease the guilt he has from not 'earning'. The guilt was confirmed by his wife's statement on top of the male programming of not contributing unless he is making money.
TLDR: Men don't need to be pressured to earn or be the bread winner. Society has already told us we are not contributing unless we are making money.
Huddo's sister 2 years ago
That's such a sad story and I wish the point wasn't true. I think it has gotten somewhat better-there are more stay at home dad's now, but it should be even. There is no need for the stigma.
#14
Insecurity in general. You’re not supposed to show that you have doubts or worries about your abilities or self-image. A man is supposed to be confident, able and self-assured. It’s not okay for men to admit that they lack self-esteem, or that they have genuine problems with their self-image, as they are seen as weaknesses in-and-of themselves.
Other men or women aren’t going to ‘bring you up’. They won’t provide emotional support and tell you it’s okay to be unconfident or to feel shame about who you are - they will simply expect that you should take it on the chin. Not everyone can be ‘that’ guy.
But, for a man, what actually makes you feel like a man is being that guy.
So you kind of walk around pretending that you’re happy, despite the fact that you’re not seen as valuable or as desireable as other men - because in doing so, you would be seen as even less valuable or desireable.
TL:DR; If you feel like sh*t and are insecure, it’s bad; but if you display that you feel like sh*t and are insecure - it’s even worse.
F**k. I’ve never really been able to put that feeling into words before, but that felt insanely good to get off my chest.
Jasper Cool 2 years ago
This is part of why counseling or group therapy is so important. Men are less likely to seek mental health help and more likely to rely on a female partner for mental health support and we need to normalize guys being able to be real about this with eachother and to seek help generally. Where I live its still common for grown men to call boys girly or babies for crying. I'm raising my kiddo to hopefully know it's ok not to be an emotionless robot and that he can be real with his guy friends and seek professional help if need be. That's just too much pressure to have to go through life never showing weakness.
If we want to seek change, Wenger suggested that an "amazing way to positively encourage men that their struggles are normal is to facilitate conversations on this topic between young men and those whom they look up to."
He would like to remind you that you are not alone: "Depression, anxiety, or simply feeling nothing are all things others have experienced and if it is something you want to overcome, a great place to start is seeking professional help from a therapist or psychologist."
#15
Radicalisation. Joja Rabbit is such a sweet film about this. There are a lot of young, lonely and understandably angry men and boys who are targeted by extremist groups into that kind of failsafe ideology. You can almost see it happening.
#16
Crushing, black, empty, cold, never-ending, screaming-into-the-void loneliness and everyone's casual shrug when I even hint about it.
Just work, pay taxes, walk the dog, keep your mouth shut, don't have feelings, don't be short, try to keep up appearances of virility, and never, ever, whatever you do, don't let anyone know how lonely you are because they'll just sort of awkwardly giggle and change the subject.
Timothy Wenger added that the topic of men's mental health and emotional intelligence is something that needs more publicity and normalization: "I have had men of all ages reach out to me about a wide variety of struggles and oftentimes they just want to be heard. I always encourage them to find a friend to open up to and also to seek professional help if possible."
#17
Men are frequently treated as expendable.
Even in countries with mingled militaries, men are the overwhelming majority of combat troops and thus casualties. Not to mention pretty much all child soldiers are male.
If you are male been the ages of 14-60 and happen to be anywhere near a combat zone, even if it's your own backyard, you are considered a "military age male" and a possible target.
News media regularly says things like "100 killed including 14 women and children" as if the other 86 men don't matter as much.
Something like 90% of all workplace injuries and fatalities are male. Whether men seek out more dangerous jobs or only men are selected for those jobs is debatable.
#18
The consequences of body shaming, it has the same effect on men as it does women. No one likes to be insulted, no matter who you are. Just because we are a different sex, does not mean our minds are so vastly different that we react differently to even the most basic of things. SOME women think we are emotionless, meant to serve them. Sorry if I had worded this wrong.
#19
If you ever bring up male-centered issues in conversations with women, it always turns into "well at least you don't have it as bad as women." or "well women deal with X, so why are you complaining?" or my personal favorite "Yeah, well then change it, it only happened because the patriarchy."
El muerto 2 years ago
sometimes in the women vs men issues is like seeing siblings fight over stuff. "why did he/she get more?" mentality. is like because on side get something the other loses somehow. there are cases that this is true. but more often is just because we listen to this person, doesn't mean we taking away anything from you...and people will just keep bickering like siblings over cake.
#20
Male disposability. If something is dangerous, send men. Your partner can replace you easily. Your only value is what you offer to other people and the minute you are not useful anymore people cast you aside like the fungible commodity you are. I would like to be treated like I have inherent value as a person, not like I’m something to be tolerated until I’m no longer useful.
Crystal Barkhauer 2 years ago
You are worthy of love and praise. You are a living being filled with thoughts and emotions. I am so sorry that you feel like you are disposable. I see that this society has us all feeling unworthy of our lives. Sending those who need it (even if they think they don’t) virtual hugs.
#21
Isolation. I've felt this myself, and I've done some reading about it. Men tend to become more isolated and lonely as they get older. After a certain point they don't make an effort to gain friendships and tend to shy away from any type of social engagement. I feel this way, because as of right now, I don't have a close male friend. At least not someone I can talk to about things going on with me personally. I know a lot of people, but I'm less and less engaged with them as each year passes. It concerns me as of late, because I don't want to end up a hermit, but without a solid relationship, I could see myself headed this direction in my older years.
Void Boi 2 years ago
I'm in a very similar spot. I stopped drinking about 4 years ago and every male friend that I hadn't already alienated disappeared. I'm married to a wonderful woman, have 3 great kids and an honestly really good life, but I am so alone. It's crushing sometimes to feel like I have no close bonds outside of my immediate family. I don't want this to be the rest of my life.
#22
The lack of a good support system. Just because a guy has people that he hangs out with, doesn't mean he's comfortable telling them serious personal issues.
#23
Prostate cancer is second only to skin cancer in men. Lots of money goes to breast cancer research, but how much goes to prostate cancer?
Crystal Barkhauer 2 years ago
It also seems like men feel like they can’t really talk about having prostate cancer, right? It’s along the whole society issue of “taking it like a man”. That phrase has damaged so many people that it’s not a wonder so many things are hushed.
#24
Easy look at the case where the guy got banned from twitch. When his computer rebooted and logged him in as he was walking passed in his boxers.
The same time a cam girl accidentally didn’t log out of twitch and did a full strip on stream. She didn’t get banned. In fact she got a few sponsors for it.
#25
Mental health. And this is coming from someone who has lived on the ideas of "you're a guy, get over yourself". It was taught to me, I didn't think much of it, and now that I'm about to hit 20, I can feel the effects like a ripple. It's actually hard for me to open up to people and when I do I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time.
Isaac Harvey 2 years ago
Just because I'm an 18-year-old male doesn't mean I haven't had childhood brain cancer since I was 10 or epilepsy since I was 16. And few people seem to actually react to the many side effects of my anti-seizure medications, levetiracetam and lamotrigine.
#26
Male pattern baldness and the impact it can have on mental health and body image. Imagine being in college surrounded by guys with perfect NW1 hairlines with all these cool fades and modern trendy hairstyles while you're stuck looking like Moby or Varys from GOT. Brutal. The worst part is nobody really talks about it, it's a very hidden and taboo issue that many men go though but society refuses to truly address, so they are forced to suffer in silence.
#27
I work at a psychiatric hospital and out of the thirteen wards, only three are for women. The huge problem to face men is mental illness and most, if not all the patients are there because they kept taking drugs as well.
Got Myself 4 Dwarves 2 years ago
I've always thought that a lot of mental illness in men comes from being brought up in environments where they had to be "big boys" who don't cry, don't show weakness and all that bullshit. If a child isn't taught how to deal with their emotions then how are the suddenly expected to know as adults when life can get super stressful? No wonder folk turn to distraction methods of drugs and alcohol, which then starts the even faster downward slide. These kids are set up for failure but not acknowledging the fact they are human, feeling little boys who need cared for and raised with love and support. I will not set any of my children up for failure.
#28
In western culture, men are defined by what they do and not by who they are (being). So, when they retire they often develop mental illness because they are no longer "doing". this often leads to suicide.
Then there's the whole nonsense of the stoic emotionless man getting on with the work.
Jaguarundi 2 years ago
My father declined rapidly after he retired. He died within a few years of stopping work.
#29
You can't cry. You can't have emotional issues. You are supposed to know the answer to all problems
#30
Tldr: fashion options
When I get ready to go out somewhere nice I find a dress shirt and tie, perhaps a jacket. Comb my hair in the one style I can as its cut to that style. Choose between brown or black shoes, belt to match and maybe add a watch. My wife picks a shirt, on or off the shoulder, low cut or high. Pants or skirt, short or long. Stockings or not, shoes open or closed, tall or short heel. She can wear her hair up or down or a combination. Bracelets, necklace, earrings. Makeup and perfume. One could argue that these choices complicate her life but I beg to differ. She has the options to be who she wants to be at the time, to garner more attention or less, draw attention or stand out less. I get to look the same as I do at every wedding, funeral or night out.
What do you think ?
Shelp 2 years ago
At first I thought to myself ''if I comment too much on that post, people may think I'm an incel or a misogynistic pig''. And then I asked myself if that wasn't part of the problem too
Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
Or a "hateful feminist bi*ch" in mny case. A lot of this is cultural, and to change culture, we need to raise children to stop thinking these ways. It's not who wins the "I'm a victim!" contest. It's that we shouldn't see these problems (abuse, rape, mental illness) being disregarded! no matter who the victim is or isn't.
Load More Replies...
Jo Choto 2 years ago
All these posts are true, and the problems are genuine. Toxic masculinity has hurt everyone in society, including men. I feel like a lot of these men are in the same place that women were at the beginning of feminism, fighting for equality and fairness and respect. To change the dynamics of manhood, you are going to encounter resistance and ridicule and prejudice. I wish it wasn't so, but if you look at how long women have been fighting for equality, it's easy to imagine that it's going to take a long time for men to counteract decades of limitations on what it means to be a man. It will not be given to you on a plate. You will have to fight for it. And sadly, too many men and women are conditioned to the point where they won't accept change. As women we have lived these struggles. It makes me so sad to think that men are now having the exact same struggles, because we still have not evolved as humans.
K Witmer 2 years ago
Men deserve to be treated w kindness and deserve to be listened to just like any other group. I just wish it wasn't so hard to get through to the angry ones. The ones that claim are oppressed. How do you combat that? How do you instill feminism in a group that doesn't understand what feminism truly is? Also generational trauma. How do you convince someone that's so full of hate to go to therapy? Especially when it's someone that can hurt you physically? Men need to help other men like women help other women. We set up our own networks and the men that are our allies help us too. Ultimately it starts w teaching boys. Parents need to help their little boys.
Shelp 2 years ago
At first I thought to myself ''if I comment too much on that post, people may think I'm an incel or a misogynistic pig''. And then I asked myself if that wasn't part of the problem too
Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
Or a "hateful feminist bi*ch" in mny case. A lot of this is cultural, and to change culture, we need to raise children to stop thinking these ways. It's not who wins the "I'm a victim!" contest. It's that we shouldn't see these problems (abuse, rape, mental illness) being disregarded! no matter who the victim is or isn't.
Load More Replies... Jo Choto 2 years ago
All these posts are true, and the problems are genuine. Toxic masculinity has hurt everyone in society, including men. I feel like a lot of these men are in the same place that women were at the beginning of feminism, fighting for equality and fairness and respect. To change the dynamics of manhood, you are going to encounter resistance and ridicule and prejudice. I wish it wasn't so, but if you look at how long women have been fighting for equality, it's easy to imagine that it's going to take a long time for men to counteract decades of limitations on what it means to be a man. It will not be given to you on a plate. You will have to fight for it. And sadly, too many men and women are conditioned to the point where they won't accept change. As women we have lived these struggles. It makes me so sad to think that men are now having the exact same struggles, because we still have not evolved as humans.
K Witmer 2 years ago
Men deserve to be treated w kindness and deserve to be listened to just like any other group. I just wish it wasn't so hard to get through to the angry ones. The ones that claim are oppressed. How do you combat that? How do you instill feminism in a group that doesn't understand what feminism truly is? Also generational trauma. How do you convince someone that's so full of hate to go to therapy? Especially when it's someone that can hurt you physically? Men need to help other men like women help other women. We set up our own networks and the men that are our allies help us too. Ultimately it starts w teaching boys. Parents need to help their little boys.
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