ADVERTISEMENT

A one-liner, also known as a punchline in some cases, is a truly remarkable form of a joke. First of all, it is so short that by telling it, you’ll never miss the ‘magical moment’ and will always leave your audience amused (that is if you’ve calculated your timing perfectly). Hence, if you are looking for a comedic shure-shot, we’ve just the thing for you — a thorough list of the best one-liners on the Internet!

Another thing with these one line jokes is that they work amazingly well for, say, movie characters like James Bond. He always has a hilarious and laconic quip after disposing of his enemies and is well remembered for it! In fact, probably no other jokes, but funny one liners are forever at the top of the popularity Everest by being so accessible, understandable, and ultimately funny. 

Thus, we are thrilled to have the opportunity to present you with our choices of the best jokes that fall under this category; our hopes are pretty high to entertain you with this one! So now, it is precisely time that you scroll down below to check out the best one liners that we found! From punny ones to straight-up corny and from cute to sarcastic one liners, there’s a joke for absolutely anyone here. 

And after you find the one that has cracked you up, be sure to vote for it! But, if such a sad instance occurs and you can’t find your favorite one-liner included in our list, add it in the comments section.

This post may include affiliate links.

#1

40 Of (Probably) The Best One-Line Jokes Of All Time Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
233points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#2

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
162points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#3

The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
148points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu

What are one-liner jokes?

Simply put, a one-liner is a very short joke that delivers its punchline in just one sentence. A good one-liner should always be concise and meaningful or, if you want a fancy word for it — pithy. Although these one line jokes are most often used as a part of a bigger performance, it doesn’t mean they don’t work as standalone quips. In fact, one might even argue that the shorter the joke — the more powerful the reaction! 

Funny one line jokes can also be used as a punchline of a real or fictional character, just the same as a catchphrase would. Basically, due to being so short, these jokes are very universal and can be used in a variety of circumstances (appropriate ones, of course) and ways.

ADVERTISEMENT
#4

40 Of (Probably) The Best One-Line Jokes Of All Time The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. It’s that no one runs in your family.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
146points
Add photo comments
POST
bicascatarina7 avatar
Catarina
Catarina
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

James's comment should be #21🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Vote comment up
2
2points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#5

250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
137points
Add photo comments
POST
bicascatarina7 avatar
Catarina
Catarina
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hahaha some people i know Will use this every day🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Vote comment up
13
13points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#6

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $6.30 now.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
132points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu

What is the best one-liner?

Now, this is where it gets a bit biased! Each and every one of us have slightly different sense of humor and taste for our jokes, so nominating just one one-liner as the best is a tough job to say the least. However, since you, our dear readers always have an excellent taste for jokes, this one here seems to have reached number one position on our list: 

ADVERTISEMENT

Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

So, can we agree that we found the funniest one-liner ever? Well, at least one of the best jokes, for sure!
#7

I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
132points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#8

40 Of (Probably) The Best One-Line Jokes Of All Time When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
130points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#9

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
127points
Add photo comments
POST
micheldurinx avatar
Marcellus II
Marcellus II
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You want to know the difference between a sadist and a masochist? I could tell you, but you'll have to beat the answer out of me.

Vote comment up
25
25points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu

How To Write One-Liners?

If you want to try your hand at writing one-liners, kudos to you! Homebred jokes are always the funniest and the most relevant. That said, writing one-liners comes with its own set of rules, albeit a short one: 

ADVERTISEMENT
  • Set your joke up for success by making it super short;
  • Start with a setup that seems like it’s going to one direction only;
  • Give it a plot twist right at the end!

By following these simple one-liner writing rules, you'll be bound for success; we’re pretty certain of it. However, if you need a bit more inspiration and a little more examples of the best one-liners, keep reading our list!

#10

I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
114points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#11

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
111points
Add photo comments
POST
#12

40 Of (Probably) The Best One-Line Jokes Of All Time How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
106points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#13

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
104points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#14

I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… But the kids still get in.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
102points
Add photo comments
POST
eaglegirl36 avatar
Eagle Girl
Eagle Girl
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Leave a trail of candy to the nice old lady with the house in the woods

Vote comment up
11
11points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#15

Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
101points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#16

40 Of (Probably) The Best One-Line Jokes Of All Time The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
96points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#17

The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
96points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#18

I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
92points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#19

Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
92points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#20

40 Of (Probably) The Best One-Line Jokes Of All Time Is your bottom jealous of the amount of crap that comes out of your mouth?

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
87points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#21

The rotation of Earth really makes my day.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
86points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#22

40 Of (Probably) The Best One-Line Jokes Of All Time My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
85points
Add photo comments
POST
adelexie avatar
Adele Xie
Adele Xie
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAA pleez am i the only one laughing here?

Vote comment up
23
23points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#23

What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
85points
Add photo comments
POST
kokopelli-wine avatar
Russ Kincade
Russ Kincade
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When marriage becomes illegal, only outlaws will have inlaws!

Vote comment up
24
24points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#24

So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
83points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#25

A blind man walked into a bar… And a table… And a chair…

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
81points
Add photo comments
POST
shelbyp avatar
Shelby P
Shelby P
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Two nuns walked into a bar... third one ducked... didn't want it to become a habit.

Vote comment up
6
6points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#26

The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
78points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#27

The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
75points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#28

40 Of (Probably) The Best One-Line Jokes Of All Time I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
74points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#29

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
73points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#30

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
72points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#31

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
66points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#32

40 Of (Probably) The Best One-Line Jokes Of All Time "You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
65points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#33

I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
65points
Add photo comments
POST
liddlecatpaws avatar
Jo Johannsen
Jo Johannsen
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was going to procrastinate yesterday, but decided to do it tomorrow.

Vote comment up
16
16points
Vote comment down
reply
#34

Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
63points
Add photo comments
POST
olgadremina avatar
Olga Dremina
Olga Dremina
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"Mutely" was my father's favourite response. Fits perfectly imo.

Vote comment up
8
8points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#35

I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
63points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#36

40 Of (Probably) The Best One-Line Jokes Of All Time Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
59points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#37

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
57points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#38

I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
55points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#39

A perfectionist walked into a bar... Apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
52points
Add photo comments
POST
#40

40 Of (Probably) The Best One-Line Jokes Of All Time "The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
45points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
Continue reading with Bored Panda Premium
Unlimited content
Ad-free browsing
Dark mode
#41

I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
34points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#42

R.I.P. boiled water. You will be mist.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
32points
Add photo comments
POST
#43

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
31points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#44

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
31points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#45

If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
30points
Add photo comments
POST
#46

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
29points
Add photo comments
POST
#47

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
29points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#48

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
29points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#49

What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street?
A large fortune.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
29points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#50

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
29points
Add photo comments
POST
#51

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
28points
Add photo comments
POST
#52

Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
28points
Add photo comments
POST
#53

I threw a boomerang a couple years ago. I now live in constant fear.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
28points
Add photo comments
POST
tsweda avatar
Thomas Sweda
Thomas Sweda
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Don’t worry. Since the Earth is flat, it will eventually just sail off the edge.

Vote comment up
1
1point
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#54

Have you heard about the new restaurant called ‘Karma?’ There’s no menu — you get what you deserve.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
28points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#55

I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
27points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#56

Don’t spell part backward. It’s a trap.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
27points
Add photo comments
POST
#57

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
26points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#58

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
26points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#59

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
26points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#60

Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
26points
Add photo comments
POST
hallabaloo_meow avatar
Let’s All Just Try And Be Decent
Let’s All Just Try And Be Decent
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I feel like this is one of the basic school playground jokes that 6 year old kids are really proud of. Definitely about the extent of my level of joke telling!

Vote comment up
2
2points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#61

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
26points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#62

A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
25points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#63

It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
25points
Add photo comments
POST
waldera-jr avatar
Kipindichapili
Kipindichapili
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I’m telling this the next time I go golfing and hit a birdie

Vote comment up
4
4points
Vote comment down
reply
#64

I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
25points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#65

I saw a sign the other day that said, ‘Watch for children,’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
25points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#66

My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
25points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#67

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
25points
Add photo comments
POST
suzannehaigh avatar
Tee Witt
Tee Witt
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

2 years old, then he is mature enough to never understand.

Vote comment up
6
6points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#68

A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
24points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#69

Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
23points
Add photo comments
POST
#70

Our child has a great deal of willpower — and even more won’t power.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
23points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#71

Never trust atoms - they make up everything.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
22points
Add photo comments
POST
#72

My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
22points
Add photo comments
POST
#73

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
22points
Add photo comments
POST
mobeydrunk avatar
Mobey Drunk
Mobey Drunk
Community Member
2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Actually, being a pessimist is the best way to live your life. Either you're right, or pleasantly surprised.

Vote comment up
9
9points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#74

6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
22points
Add photo comments
POST
#75

If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
22points
Add photo comments
POST
#76

Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove he wasn’t a chicken.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
22points
Add photo comments
POST
navneethkrishnan09_1 avatar
ᴠᴀ̈ɪɴᴏ
ᴠᴀ̈ɪɴᴏ
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

BECAUSE EVERYONE CALLED HIM A CHIC KEN. HIS NAME WAS ALEXANDER.

Vote comment up
5
5points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#77

I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
21points
Add photo comments
POST
#78

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
20points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#79

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
20points
Add photo comments
POST
#80

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
20points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#81

I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
20points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#82

My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, ‘Watt?’

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
20points
Add photo comments
POST
#83

My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
20points
Add photo comments
POST
#84

What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
20points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#85

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward? A receding hare line.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
20points
Add photo comments
POST
brynncieslak avatar
DragonsCrushesCatsMe
DragonsCrushesCatsMe
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

did you hear about the missing hares? the police went combing the land to find them.

Vote comment up
5
5points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
#86

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
20points
Add photo comments
POST
brynncieslak avatar
DragonsCrushesCatsMe
DragonsCrushesCatsMe
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

in an arthur episode, where arthur was telling secrets to buster, one of them was that dw had a brain transplant. the other secret was that arthur was born in transylvannia

Vote comment up
1
1point
Vote comment down
reply
#87

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
19points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#88

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
19points
Add photo comments
POST
#89

Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
19points
Add photo comments
POST
#90

Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a little more space.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
19points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#91

I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
18points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#92

I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
18points
Add photo comments
POST
#93

Blunt pencils are really pointless.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
18points
Add photo comments
POST
#94

A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
18points
Add photo comments
POST
#95

I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
18points
Add photo comments
POST
#96

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
18points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#97

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly… I’m not a fan.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
18points
Add photo comments
POST
#98

Whenever I lose my TV controller, I always find it in a remote location.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
18points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#99

"Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is 'Good for you!'”

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
17points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#100

‘I have a split personality,’ said Tom, being Frank.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
17points
Add photo comments
POST
#101

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
17points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
See Also on Bored Panda
#102

What do you call a steak that’s been knighted by the queen? Sir Loin.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
17points
Add photo comments
POST
waldera-jr avatar
Kipindichapili
Kipindichapili
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Im gonna buy a farm, make a pasture, build a barn, make a milking area, and buy hundreds of dollars worth of cattle just to name a cow this

Vote comment up
2
2points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#103

At which school did Sherlock Holmes get so smart? Elementary.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
17points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#104

Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
16points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#105

"Some people just have a way with words, and other people… Oh… Not have way."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
16points
Add photo comments
POST
#106

If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
16points
Add photo comments
POST
#107

I never knew what happiness was until I got married — and then it was too late.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
16points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#108

If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
16points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#109

The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
16points
Add photo comments
POST
#110

What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink? A cab.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
16points
Add photo comments
POST
#111

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because he was stuffed.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
16points
Add photo comments
POST
#112

Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
16points
Add photo comments
POST
#113

Did Noah include termites on the ark?

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
16points
Add photo comments
POST
waldera-jr avatar
Kipindichapili
Kipindichapili
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Omg I’ve never thought about that. I’m gonna ask my church pastor now.

Vote comment up
3
3points
Vote comment down
reply
View more commentsArrow down menu
ADVERTISEMENT
#114

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
16points
Add photo comments
POST
#115

"A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
15points
Add photo comments
POST
#116

"I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
15points
Add photo comments
POST
#117

"Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
15points
Add photo comments
POST
#118

Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
15points
Add photo comments
POST
#119

They’ve been treating me like one of the family, and I’ve put up with it for as long as I can.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
15points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#120

What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement? A hardened criminal.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
15points
Add photo comments
POST
junkmailassassin avatar
Dagnirath
Dagnirath
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Also the term for the thieves who hijacked a shipment of Viagra.

Vote comment up
2
2points
Vote comment down
reply
#121

I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once until now.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
14points
Add photo comments
POST
#122

A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
14points
Add photo comments
POST
hallabaloo_meow avatar
Let’s All Just Try And Be Decent
Let’s All Just Try And Be Decent
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wait.... because American plug sockets look like a pig's snout? Is that really it?! Ok that'd be why it didn't make any sense to me!! UK plugs are a triangle of three holes which are all rectangle shaped. Sorry peeps x

Vote comment up
6
6points
Vote comment down
reply
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#123

A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and mean your mother.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
14points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#124

What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
14points
Add photo comments
POST
#125

Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
14points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT
#126

I used to believe that all things must pass — until I got stuck behind a school bus.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
14points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#127

Have you played the updated kids' game? I Spy With My Little Eye... Phone.

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
12points
Add photo comments
POST
#128

"All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
10points
Add photo comments
POST
View more commentsArrow down menu
#129

“Next time I send a damn fool, I go myself.”

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
10points
Add photo comments
POST
#130

"Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
10points
Add photo comments
POST
View More Replies... View more commentsArrow down menu
#131

"Drama: a word boring people use to describe fun people."

Report

Vote arrow up
Vote arrow down
8points
Add photo comments
POST
ADVERTISEMENT

Anyone can write on Bored Panda. Start writing!

Follow Bored Panda on Google News!