It's somewhat ironic that I'm writing this post about office jokes (no, not the jokes from The Office) while working from the office. Don't get me wrong, I like my job and writing for you peeps or Pandas, whichever you prefer, but let's all be dead honest here. We would all prefer to be somewhere else other than at work. But ya know, we've got bills to pay and responsibilities to fulfill. So I've got a solution for us all. Technically, one shouldn't be doing anything non-work-related. But you know what still counts as job-related? That's right, funny office jokes, jokes for work, you name it!
So whenever you want to take a short quick break from the VERY important stuff you are doing, funny work jokes it is! And if your boss ever asks what you are looking at on the screen, say, "Uhm, research?" Quips aside, whether at work during your lunch break or in the restroom while doing number two, reading jokes about work is one way to make that 9-5 grind flow a little faster and slightly more bearable. And suppose you think that there is no space or time for jokes in the workplace. In that case, I assume you are the boss the employees don't particularly like, to put it in the nicest way possible.
Below, we have gathered an extensive list of the best work jokes we could find from the cornucopia that is the internet. Also, if you want something to take your mind off work, we have more funny jokes up our sleeves! Check out these witty two-liners here.
As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office.
I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
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Don't be irreplaceable. If you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees. So I just stared at him until he apologized.
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Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me 20 minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.
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I don’t mind coming to work; it’s the eight-hour wait to go home I can’t stand.
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Told my boss 3 companies are after me so I need a pay rise. He asked me which 3 companies they were.
"Gas, electric & water".
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HR manager: “Just go to hell!”
Me: “So, should I stay or leave? I’m confused.”
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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one — him or me — I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.
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My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
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The trouble with being punctual for business meetings is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
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How long have I been working for this company?
Ever since they threatened to fire me.
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For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a workstation, so…
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What’s the worst thing about having a job at the unemployment office?
If you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
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My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke.
So I put my paycheck on the first slide.
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If you think your job sucks, remember whenever a famous personality dies, someone at Wikipedia has to change all the verbs to past tense.
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The boss told me to have a good day.
So, I went home.
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I went for an interview for an office job today. The interviewer told me I’d start on $2,000 a month, which would increase to $2,500 a month in six months’ time.
I told them I’d start in six months.
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Employer: “We need someone responsible for the job.”
Job applicant: “Sir, your search ends here! In my previous job, whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.”
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The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person that upset you. Instant de-stress.
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Why was music coming from the office printer?
The paper was jamming.
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What is the best way to criticize your boss?
Very quietly, so he cannot hear you.
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I told my boss, “Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.
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The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.
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I love pressing F5. It is so refreshing.
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I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive and procrastinate all at once.
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Keep the dream alive.
Use your snooze button.
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Why doesn’t Superman need a boss?
He already has supervision.
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"Per my last email" are definitely fighting words.
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Teamwork is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else!
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I love my office! People always leave treats in the fridge for me!
And they put their names on them, so I know who it’s from.
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I called a temp agency looking for work, and they asked if I had any phone skills. I said, "I called you, didn't I?"
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Interviewer: What are your thoughts about nepotism in a workplace environment?
Candidate: Well, that’s a really good question, Dad.
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You know what they say about a clean desk. It’s a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
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He who microwaves fish today will not be employed here tomorrow!
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I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
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A healthy sleep not only makes your life longer but also shortens the workday.
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Right now, I’m at work, using the Internet. But in my mind, I’m already at home, using the Internet.
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I just set my e-mail’s auto-response to ‘I’m looking into this now. I’ll let you know.’ I literally never have to respond to e-mails again.
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My boss said I’m a worker worth paying attention to.
Unfortunately, he said it to the security guard.
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A good project manager makes updates.
A bad project manager makes up dates.
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When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of an emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.
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How can we keep the office clean?
By staying at home.
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Someone has stolen my Microsoft Office, and they are going to pay for it… you have my Word.
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Middle age is when work is a lot less fun, and fun is a lot more work.
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HR manager: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Interviews.”
HR manager: “And besides that?”
Me: “Follow-up questions.”
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My boss says that I lack enthusiasm.
I guess he’s never seen me with a pint of ice cream.
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I have all the money I’ll ever need, as long as I die by 4 p.m. today.
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Someone from HR asked me to sign up for the company 401k and I'm really nervous.
I don't think I can run that far.
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Sometimes I like to sit my dog down for a performance review, just to remind him who’s boss.
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A guy shows up late for work and his boss says, “You should have been here at 8:30,” so he says, “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
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My job is pretty secure, as no one else wants it.
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What do you call 12 people doing the work of one?
A committee.
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I don’t mind my long commute.
I do mind that I end up at work at the end of it.
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What do you call a joke that isn’t funny?
A sentence.
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I always say you need to fight fire with fire.
That’s why I got fired from my job as a firefighter.
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Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
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"4:30 is to meeting as water is to boarding."
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Sometimes I feel like there isn’t much difference between my commute to work and the Oregon Trail.
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Yesterday, I did nothing, and today, I’m finishing what I did yesterday.
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My boss is very easygoing. He told me to not think of him as a boss, rather think of him as a friend who is never wrong.
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My boss knew I played hooky and asked me if I missed worked yesterday.
I said, “Missed it? Nah… not really!”
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Due to lack of interest, Monday has been canceled.
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If you want to get along with a boss, there’s one sure way to do it: Always look busy.
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I love my job. Lately, colleagues have been writing names on the food in the office fridge.
I’m currently eating a yogurt called Susan. How cute!
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My boss told me that there’s no such thing as problems, only opportunities.
I said: “That’s great. Well, I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
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It might look like I’m doing nothing at work, but at the cellular level, I’m really quite busy.
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After a long time, I told my hot co-worker how I felt.
He felt the same way... So I turned on the air conditioner.
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I just quit my 20/hr per week internship to start my first full-time job and I'm kind of sad.
I think I'm suffering from post-part-time depression.
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I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
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Why did the taxi driver get fired for working so hard?
Passengers didn't like it when he went the extra mile.
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I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it.
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How do construction workers party?
They raise the roof.
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My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. "Wow," I said. "That's an amazing car." He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year."
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A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.
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What’s blue, green, furry, and swimming in viscous liquid?
Your lunch from last May. Please clean out the office fridge!
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I like my work calendar like I like my coffee: Free.
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I couldn’t work today because I had a problem with my eye.
I just couldn’t see myself working today.
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If brains were taxed, some co-workers would get a refund.
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My co-workers are like my Christmas lights...
Half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t that bright.
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I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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Just saved my boss from a murder.
I went home early.
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I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.
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I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
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My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
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A lumberjack walks into the company office to get paid.
The secretary says, “ I have a check here for cutting down 236 trees this week.”
The lumberjack replies, “I actually cut down 237 trees.”
”Are you sure?”, says the secretary, “Your foreman counted 236 on the truck.”
“Sure, I’m sure,” replies the lumberjack. “I kept a log”.
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I don't get why people get hired as unpaid interns.
It don't make any cents.
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The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
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Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
Because he was out standing in his field!
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I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to go to the bathroom.
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I always use artificial sweeteners at work…
When talking to my boss.
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If our boss makes a mistake. It is our mistake.
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Sorry I'm late! Traffic is exactly how it's been every day for the past five years and I was not expecting that.
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A job interviewer asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I said, "Ideally, suspended with pay."
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They wanted us to use email at work, but I couldn't.
I guess I'm just a Slacker.
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What’s the best work politics?
Anti-work but pro-paycheck.
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I have a joke on designers, but our humor may not be aligned.
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What is the difference between a CEO and a vulture?
Vultures fly and at least have the decency to wait until you die to eat you.
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My boss denied my time-off request. But the flight is booked. So I hope she figures something out.
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Count Dracula is a terrible project manager.
He always avoids the stakeholders.
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I get plenty of exercise – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
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Why do I drink so much coffee?
It helps me do stupid things faster and with more energy.
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If every day is a gift, I’d like a receipt for Monday. I want to exchange it for another Friday, please.
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You know what can really ruin the Friday feeling? Remembering it's only Thursday!
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What did the nearsighted optometrist say when he was sick?
I can’t see myself coming in today.
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It’s so quiet in the office today.
I can hear myself not working.
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I like work. I mean, it truly fascinates me… I can sit and stare at it for hours.
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Anytime you think you can make ends meet,
Somebody moves the ends.
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I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refused to be talked to in that tone of voice!
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My boss got mad at me for calling a co-worker a chicken.
He said he doesn't tolerate any fowl language.
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Hey Boss, I hung a picture up on the wall the other day.
Some would say that I nailed it.
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To err is human, to blame it on someone else is management.
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Definition of a Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
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What happened to the product manager who could only write 3 lines of code?
He got promoted.
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I was a terrible psychic. I got fired and I never even saw it coming.
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My boss asked me how good I was at making spreadsheets.
I told him I Excel at it.
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The boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that...
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My dad was in a dead-end job.
He was a city planner in charge of building cul-de-sacs.
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I used to work in the office at a stationery firm, but I quit.
It just felt like I wasn’t going anywhere.
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Hard work never killed anyone…
But I still wouldn’t risk it.
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When it comes to work, change is inevitable, except from the vending machine.
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Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I just couldn’t concentrate.
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What does a mathematician say when something goes wrong?
Figures!
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How many Project managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they are all still discussing the best way to do it.
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I used to be a banker but I lost interest.
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Did you hear about the woman who became CEO of a cannabis company?
She finally broke through the grass ceiling.
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Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
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Why are fewer people going into archeology?
Career advancement is in ruins.
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My boss doesn’t have favorites.
He’s mean to everyone equally.
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Why was the CEO of a leading prosthetics company arrested?
It came out that he was involved in international arms dealing.
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