I went to casualty yesterday and said to the nurse, “I’ve been stung by a wasp, have you got anything for it?”

She asked, “Whereabouts is it?”

I said, “I don’t know, it could be miles away by now.”

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Murphy’s Law of Nursing #59: You finish your charting and realize you’re in the wrong patient’s chart.

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How does Thor's nurse treat him back to health?

She Norses him through the night.

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What did the nurse say to the tonsil?

You should get dressed. The doctor is going to take you out.

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What did the nurse reply when someone asked, "Does an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"

"Yes, if you aim it nicely."

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Why did the banana say to the nurse?

I am here to see the doctor. I am not peeling well!

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What did the senior nurse advise the young nurse about her first injection?

"Just give your best shot."

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"I decided not to vaccinate my daughter… I let the nurses do it instead; they have more experience."

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Laura Mintkenbaugh

Laura Mintkenbaugh

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2 years ago

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IMO: If only this was true for all the anti-vax peeps. I’m all about letting people believe what they would like, as long as it does not harm those around them. As a nurse, and not having fallen asleep in science class, I just cannot condone those who do not vaccinate. Same with the mask. Even if you do not agree with them, please think about those around you.

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A guy calls the hospital.

He says, “You gotta send help! My wife’s going into labor!”

The nurse says, “Calm down. Is this her first child?”

He says, “No! This is her husband!”

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A Graduate Nurse charts too much.

An experienced nurse doesn´t chart enough.

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What do transplant nurses hate?

Rejection.

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Why was the nurse feeling mad?

He ran out of patients.

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Why did the patient identify the nurse as a curtain?

Because she was seen pulling herself together.

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Q: Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?

A: It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!

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Why nurses are always so calm?

Because of patients.

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What did the nurse say when the doctor decided to stay home?

"Suture self!"

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"Don’t mess with me — I get paid to poke people with very sharp objects."

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What is it called when a hospital runs out of maternity nurses?

A mid-wife crisis!

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Why does the infectious disease ward at the hospital have the fastest Wi-Fi?

Because it has all the hot spots.

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My younger brother made so many rash decisions he decided to become a dermatologist.

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Did you hear about the two podiatrists who left the practice?

They became arch enemies.

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PMS jokes aren’t funny — period.

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What do you tell a nurse when she administers an injection painlessly?

Good jab.

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What did the forgetful nurse say?

"I have a joke on amnesia, but I forget how it goes."

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What did the balloon say to the nurse during the routine checks up?

I am feeling light-headed.

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Why didn’t one nurse find the other nurse’s joke funny?

She had an irony deficiency.

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What did the cookie say to the nurse?

I am feeling crumby.

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Why did the robot asked the nurse to call the doctor immediately?

Because it had a virus.

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What were the nurses discussing at the medical conference?

One of them asked, “Heard about the germ…? Oh never mind, I should not be spreading it around.”

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What did Dracula say to the nurse?

Please call the doctor. I can’t stop coffin.

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How many nurses do you need to change a lightbulb?

It takes just one nurse but she needs 20 seconds to change the lightbulb and 45 minutes to chart it.

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What did the nurse say to the patient who fainted at the airport terminal?

"You have been diagnosed with a terminal illness."

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The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby.”

The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.”

“No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.”

The husband again asked “So what do you say to the others?”

The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”

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Patient 1: Why did you run away from the operation table?

Patient 2: The nurse was repeatedly saying ‘don’t get nervous’, ‘don’t be afraid’, ‘be strong’, ‘this is a small operation only’, things like that.

Patient 1: So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?

Patient 2: She was talking to the surgeon!

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A nurse enters the room of a difficult patient who wants to find out if he’s still ill. At the moment, the nurse already has the results of the examination.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying and you don’t have much time,” the nurse says.

“Oh no, that’s terrible. How long have I got?” the man asks.

“10…” says the nurse.

“10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!” he asks desperately.

“10…9…8…7…”

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TheElementalGod️️ (He/him)

TheElementalGod️️ (He/him)

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10 months ago

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6…

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What did the history student say when the nurse informed him he had a seizure?

"As in Julius Caesar?"

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Why are night nurses such bad dancers?

Their circadian rhythm is generally off.

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The nurse who can smile when things go wrong…

Is probably going off duty.

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You should always be kind to nurses.

Remember they choose your catheter size.

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A Graduate Nurse thinks psych patients are interesting.

An experienced nurse thinks psych patients are crazy.

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"What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?"

"You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment."

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Acupuncture. What’s the point?

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What did the nurse say when a patient who had multiple vegetables stuck to his body asked, “What is wrong with me?”

"You’re not eating properly."

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What did the blood donor say to the nurse?

“I feel super tired; it is such a draining process.”

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What did the patient ask when the nurse informed him that he had a-cute appendix?

“Compared to whom?”

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What did the nurse say to the rocket ship?

"It’s time for your booster shot."

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Heard about the man who cut his fingers using an electric saw?

When a nurse asked about the cut-off fingers, the man said, “I didn’t have anything to pick them up with.”

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A ghost asked, “Nurse, can you tell me what does the X-ray of my head show?

“Absolutely nothing!” she replied.

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A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

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Heard about the guy who kept thinking he was a bell?

The nurse asked him to go home and give her a ring if the feeling persists.

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Nurse pops her head into the doctor’s office…..

Nurse: Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.

Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him.

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A man is in a hospital and waits for a nurse to come. After a long time, the nurse comes in and says “Sorry I kept you waiting.”

He replies: “No worries. I’m patient.”

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Nurse: Doctor, what is the medicine on this prescription? I went to 50 pharmacies still couldn’t find one.

Doctor: Oops, sorry. I was just checking if my pen work’s.

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What did the nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?

"Lemme give you a taste of your own medicine."

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Patient: “Will I be able to play the piano after this operation?”

Nurse: “Sure! Of course!”

Patient: “That’s awesome because I couldn’t before!”

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What did the pillow say to the nurse?

Please help; I feel stuffed.

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What is artery?

The study of classical paintings.

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What do nurses mean by postoperative?

They think it's a letter carrier.

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Why were the nurses so suspicious of the patient?

He had a lot of secret-ion.

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What did the patient say when the nurse informed them that they would be administering an enema?

"But is it friendly?"

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What did the man say when the nurse needed to administer him quickly?

"Yes, please do it fester."

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What did the nursing student mean by pathological?

The logical reason for choosing the right path.

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What did the night nurse say when the doctor asked if she took the patient's temperature?

"No, is it missing?"

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What do you call two ITU nurses holding hands?

A synapse.

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"I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight… to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care."

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Why did the nurse need a red crayon?

She needed to draw blood.

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How do you know when a nurse is having a bad day?

She won’t stop needling people.

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"I kept trying to playing hide-and-seek when I was in the hospital but the security kept finding me in the ICU."

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What inspires a nurse to move at the speed of light?

A bed alarm or fresh coffee in the breakroom

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You know you’re getting hangry when your patient’s meal tray starts to look appetizing.

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Here’s our list of donor lungs, hearts, and kidneys in alphabetical order.

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"A patient arrived at the ER via an ambulance with minor burns on his legs. His shoes and the bottoms of his jeans are charred. The doctor asks what happened, and the patient says he was trying to use a propane-powered weed burner in his yard, and things go out of hand. The doctor noted his breath reeked of alcohol and asked him if he had been drinking. The patient adamantly says no. The doctor couldn’t resist a setup like this and looked the man directly in the eye and said, “liar, liar, pants on fire.” Everyone had a good laugh, except the patient, who was so drunk it went over his head."

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Laughter is the best medicine — except when it comes to treating diarrhea.

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What complications arose when the hospital hired a Roman nurse?

She only issued the IV to bed number 4.

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Did you get to know about the nurse who injured his entire left side?

Don’t worry, he’s all right now.

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What did the nurse said when a boy told her he stood on a LEGO?

Try to block out the pain.

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What did the bucket tell the nurse when she asked what happened?

I am here to see the doctor; I have a pail face.

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What did the witch say to the nurse?

I have an appointment with the doctor; I had a dizzy spell.

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Why did the senior nurse appreciate the new nurses’ work?

Her alphabetized list of organ donors was well organ-ized.

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Why was the nurse found to be so nervous?

Because it was his first shot in the hospital.

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What did the nurse say when a patient said, “I have swallowed a spoon”?

“Sit down, and please don’t stir.”

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What did the rope say to the nurse?

I have an appointment with the doctor; I have a knot in my stomach.

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What did the nurse say when a patient said he swallowed a watch?

"These medicines will help pass the time."

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What did the nurse say to the patient’s family?

“I didn’t have the heart to tell you that the doctor wasn’t able to get the organ donor yesterday.”

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What did the mattress say to the nurse?

I think I have spring fever.

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Knock knock!

Who is there?

Urine.

Urine who?

Urine in trouble if you forget to do the bedside report.

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After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, “Do you have a name yet?”

I replied proudly, “Yes, Steve!”

She squealed, “Awww! That’s a lovely name!”

“Thanks!” I said. “But what do you think we should call the baby!?”

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A man walks into a bar, ends up getting into a horrible bar fight and is lying on the floor injured.

“Don’t worry,” says the bartender, “a Red Cross nurse is in the building and is coming to help you.”

“Oh no,” groans the victim, “couldn’t I have a blonde, cheerful one?”

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A man was hospitalized for 3 weeks. During this time he fell in love with the young pretty nurse.

He wrote her a note, “You have stolen my heart”.

The young nurse in panic responded, “No sir, we have stolen your kidney, haven’t touched your heart.”

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"I got my 3rd shot today. I asked my nurse if she knew what the chair I sat in was called… I told her... it’s a booster seat."

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A nurse caring for a man from Kentucky asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?”

“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied.

The nurse asked to see the jelly and the man pointed at the bedside table. Oh yeah, it’s a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”

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A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, “Well, that’s great…some asshole’s got my pen!”

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A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

“Is this her first child?” the nurse queries.

“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

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Knock, knock!

Who is there?

Night shift.

Night shift who?

Um, nevermind, it's not that important, it can wait till dayshift.

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What were the two nursing students discussing while doing their homework on biochemistry?

One of them said, "Barium is what doctors do when their patients die."

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What did the new night nurse reply when the senior nurse asked her about nitrates?

"Are they cheaper in comparison to day rates?"

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What happened to the kid who accidentally swallowed a pen?

The nurse asked him to use a pencil until the doctor arrives and see him.

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What did the nursing student ask when the teacher started teaching about D&C?

"Is this chapter about where Washington is?"

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What is the main commonality between a nurse and an elf that works at the North pole?

Both of them work the whole year, but another person gets all the credit.

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What kind of nurse does not require any equipment to draw blood?

Nurseferatu.

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How do night nurses feel when they think about their early days at the hospital and want to go back?

They feel nursetalgic.

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What would you call a night nurse that cared more about herself than her patient's health?

Nurse-issitic.

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Why was the night nurse so indecisive?

She kept changing her shifts.

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Why was the squirrel such a good night nurse?

He could handle the ER going nuts after midnight.

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Why was the nurse tip-toeing around the medicine cabinet?

She was scared of waking up the sleeping pills.

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Did you read about the night nurse who was squashed by a load of books?

The only person she could blame was hershelf.

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Do you know why that man sent the nurse an X-ray of his entire chest?

He wanted to tell her that his heart was indeed in the right place.

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All bleeding stops. Eventually.

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A rookie nurse tries to make friends with everyone.

An experienced nurse knows to use that energy only to befriend the cafeteria cooks, pharmacists, and discharge planner.

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A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!”

The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”

The anti-vaxver says, “No shots for me.”

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Why are nurses afraid of the outdoors?

Too much poison IV.

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Never upset a pediatric nurse.

They have very little patients.

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"I went to visit my sister at the hospital, but after driving around the only parking spot I found was in the C section. I had to climb out of the sunroof."

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A priest, rabbi, and minister all had to go to the hospital. Turns out, they got alcohol poisoning from going to the bar so much.

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Nurse: Anything else I can get you?

Patient: A million dollars!

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My best friend’s name is Pam. She’s pretty low-key and great to be around. She goes by Loraze Pam, Diaze Pam, or Clonaze Pam.

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Know what a nurse and a wood frog have in common?

They can both hold their bladder for a really long time.

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Murphy’s Law of Nursing #47: The poop almost always misses the Chux pad despite your best efforts.

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Never try lying to an X-ray technician. They can see right through you.

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A man was wheeled into the operating room, but at the last minute, he had a change of heart.

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When you get a bladder infection, Ur-ine trouble.

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Recent studies show patients who have a cold feel better on Saturdays and Sundays.

Evidence points to a weekend immune system.

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How was the nurse’s advice on Q-tips received?

It went inside one ear and out of the other.

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What was the reaction of the patient who broke three ribs while lifting?

He felt like he had a weight on his chest.

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What did the guy say when the nurse informed him that she was about to deliver the baby?

"We want our baby to keep its liver, please!"

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What did the nurse advise the patient got heartburn after eating a birthday cake?

She advised him to take the candles off first.

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What did the nurse say when the patient said he felt like a carrot?

The nurse advised him not to get himself in a stew.

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Why was the ambitious nursing student collecting skulls?

She would do it to get a-head of everyone.

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The teacher asked the nurse what is bacteria?

One of them replied, “Is it a back door to the cafeteria?”

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"My Dad and I were talking this morning about my brother’s newborn baby…"

Dad: "I think the nurse will take out the plastic thingy from the baby’s arm today."

Me: "IV?"

Dad: "I think her name is Brenda, actually."

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A nurse walks into a bar and orders a beer.

“Are you coming to our big Halloween party?” the bartender asks.

“Yes, I’ve already planned my costume. I’m going to come as a horrible monster made entirely out of blood,” the nurse says. “I’m going to be a hemogoblin.”

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"I remember when my wife gave birth at the hospital & a nurse came out and handed me a swaddled baby."

In a sad voice she then told me, “I’m sorry sir but your wife didn’t make it.”

I replied back, “Well, this is nice, but could you bring me the baby my wife did make!”

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"I had to take my son to the hospital after he swallowed ten quarters. He was rushed to surgery. After half an hour I saw a nurse so I asked her how he was."

She said, “There’s no change yet.”

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How many nursing school students does it take to fit a screw on the wall?

None, as students of nursing cannot put nails on anyone.

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What did the senior nurse say to the patient?

"OB nurses are at your cervix in nursing school."

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Why did the new nurse try to make eye contact with her patient?

The senior nurse asked her to cauterize.

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What did the nurse reply when the patient complained about her pelvis?

"Oh, is he your second cousin after Elvis?"

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What did the fashionista nurse say when the teacher started teaching about the new chapter on genes?

"Aha, here comes my favorite chapter!"

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What is the main distinction between a nurse and a thirsty vampire?

It is nothing! They both function during the night-time when most people are in bed, and draw their blood.

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What would a nurse who works in the surgery department mention to a woman whose child consumed a penny by accident?

"I'm sorry, but we can't see any change in your child."

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Do you know why that nurse joined HIPPA?

I would tell you, but I don't want to take the accountability.

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How do you know the dead body by the side of the road is a nurse?

Because the stomach is empty, the bladder is full, and the rear is chewed.

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Knock knock.

Who’s there?

HIPPA.

HIPPA who?

I can’t tell you that.

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A man walks into a clinic for the first time. The nurse tells him to fill the cup to this line at least. The man replies “Every time I give blood I never extract it myself the nurse always does it.”

Nurse replied, “I understand but sir this is a sperm bank.”

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A nurse walks towards a man informing him his wife didn’t make it while giving him the baby.

He gives the baby back to the nurse and said, “Give me the one me and my wife made.”

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A Graduate Nurse will spend all day trying to reorient a patient.

An experienced nurse will chart the patient is disoriented and restrain them.

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How do you handle Metronidazole?

Carefully… because it’s Flagyl!

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"I caught a cold riding on a carousel."

"I think there was something going around."

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