As cringey as these posts are, I can’t help but feel a bit sorry for girls who think they need to distance themselves from other women. I too grew up watching countless films and TV shows written by men that depicted women as one-dimensional, ditzy sex symbols. In middle school, I thought I was special for playing sports and knowing every song by the Beatles. (No, I’m not proud of it.)

But this need to feel unique did not organically come from me. The idea that most girls are not multidimensional comes from internalized misogyny. Media promotes the idea that liking traditionally feminine things, such as getting your nails done or wearing makeup, makes women less interesting, vapid and unintelligent. And enjoying more masculine topics, like sports, makes women more appealing. These ideas are problematic for a number of reasons, but let’s start with the fact that there’s nothing wrong with being feminine.  

Contrary to what the media may make you believe, femininity can totally be cool. Historically, the word feminine has had a bit of a negative connotation. It’s often associated with weakness and listed alongside adjectives like dainty, delicate, pretty, soft, gentle and modest. While these are not all negative descriptors, they do tend to pigeon-hole femininity, and they’re certainly not empowering traits. On the contrary, some synonyms listed for the word masculine are valiant, strong and muscular. Oh, and let’s not forget that weak is listed as an antonym of masculine.

These sexist definitions hurt both men and women. While femininity is used to promote the idea that women are weak, it’s also used as a grave insult for men. Being called “girly” or doing something “like a girl” have long been considered insults to men. To be teased is one thing, but to be compared to a woman? There are few greater insults to a fragile male ego, and I can’t think of a more blatant example of men viewing women as lesser. 

Another issue with the “not like other girls” idea is that it completely ignores the fact that human beings are complex. People are capable of painting their nails and being an athlete and being a scholar and wearing makeup and enjoying cooking all at the same time, regardless of their gender. It’s such an outdated belief to ignore the fact that masculinity and femininity can exist in harmony. Take for example the Taoist symbol of Yinyang, which “represents the two forces of balance that are opposite and complementary” alive in all of us. Every person can channel masculinity and femininity at different times, without stigmatizing either.

In her article “Unpacking the Word: Feminine”, Virginia Vigliar explored how embracing the duality within all of us is a great way for us to reclaim the word. “Both [masculinity and femininity] are fundamental for balance, in our personal growth but also for political progress,” she noted. “To achieve change in societal hierarchies there is a need for a less patriarchal and masculine approach and a more feminine, feminist, nurturing one in our world.” Virginia recommends we first acknowledge how we’ve been conditioned to view masculine and feminine as antithetical and work to change our definitions to include more positive words. Feminine can mean powerful, nurturing and graceful: qualities that all genders should be proud to exhibit. 

The next issue with the “not like other girls” trope is that it’s often used in order to seek male approval. Have you ever heard a man say that he likes women who “order real food instead of salads”? Or that it’s so much more attractive when women embrace their “natural look” instead putting effort into their hair and makeup? These sorts of ideas make women feel like they’ll gain male acceptance if they seem “cool” enough or fit in well enough with the guys. Most girls would care if their boyfriend forgot to call them back or if his apartment has empty beer cans strewn about. But a cool girl is different. The reality is that women don’t need to change themselves for male approval. If you approve of yourself, that’s all that matters. And if a man thinks women are lame for being “like other girls”, I would advise him to get in touch with his feminine side. 

On the same note, women are often expected and encouraged to be competitive with one another, even when it’s completely unnecessary. The “Not like the other girls” subreddit has hundreds of examples of women who posted examples of their unique personalities completely unprompted. Why has existing become a competition? As women, we are constantly being compared to one another in society, we certainly don’t need to exacerbate it by making comparisons ourselves. 

A large reason the “not like other girls” idea has run rampant online is because the trope is extremely common on TV shows and in movies, particularly in romantic comedies. Kat in 10 Things I Hate About You, Olive in Easy A, Mary in There’s Something About Mary, Andy in The Devil Wears Prada, and Juno in Juno are just a few examples of popular films featuring female leads who are defined as distinct from other girls. In Juno, the main character even mentions that “jocks… always want freaky girls”. “Girls with horn-rimmed glasses and vegan footwear and goth makeup. Girls who, like, play the cello and read McSweeney's and wanna be children's librarians when they grow up. Oh, yeah, jocks totally eat that up. They won't admit it because they're supposed to be into cheerleaders.”

Sometimes this idea is reinforced by juxtaposing the “unique girl” with a “typical girl” who is portrayed as traditionally feminine, sexy, not particularly intelligent or funny and often, mean. Even songs sometimes promote this toxic idea. Taylor Swift’s beloved hit You Belong With Me features the lyrics “You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset / She's going off about something that you said / 'Cause she doesn't get your humor like I do” and “I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like / She'll never know your story like I do / She wears short skirts I wear T-shirts / She's Cheer Captain, and I'm on the bleachers”.