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With the year (finally) nearing its end, we all start to think about the things it gave us. And while those things used to mainly be good and happy (or at least valuable lessons learned), the last couple of years… made us want to set them on fire and do some rites so they'd never come back. After a while, this whole living-through-the-20th-century-in-a-couple-of-years scenario does get boring and old, right? However, there's always that beautiful thing that we can do about the stuff we dislike/fear, and it's to laugh at it. That's why we've created this nifty little list dedicated to New Year's jokes - to laugh at our woes and greet the next year grinning.

While jokes about New Year's are usually quite cheerful and talk about festivities of saying goodbye to the old year and greeting the new, this time, the jokes are a bit more gritty. After all, we all have gained a bit more grit during these past few years, and the New Year's Eve jokes also reflect that. That said, there are also plenty of New Year's dad jokes in the list that are purely there to make us laugh sans the reflections on the passage of time. Oh, and there's also a topic that deserves to be mentioned on its own - New Year's resolution jokes because, let's admit, those are usually made in vain and turn into a funny story sometime after. So why not laugh at it a bit?

So, our selection of Happy New Year's jokes is just a smidgen down below, and since there are like a hundred of them, they should get you through December without fail. Be sure to give the best jokes your vote, and don't forget to share this article with the people you'd like to spend the next year with!

#1

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With Youth is when you're allowed to stay up for New Year's. Middle age is when you're forced to.

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Headless Roach
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Old age is when you don't give a cräp and go to sleep at 8pm, because it's just a date.

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#2

"I always skip the gym the first week of the new year. I can’t deal with the crowds. I also skip weeks 2 - 52 of the New Year but still looking for an excuse for those."

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#3

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

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#4

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With "My new years resolution is to get down to the weight I was before the accident. And to stop calling it "the accident" when I eat too many snacks."

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#6

"My New Year's resolution was to drop my bad habits, but no one likes a quitter."

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#7

What is the snowman's New Year's resolution?

To chill out more.

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#8

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With "I'm not buying a 2023 calendar... until I see the trailer."

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#9

What do New Year's parades have in common with Santa Claus?

No one is ever awake to see them.

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#10

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.

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Mari Mar Pinta
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Thank You! Hopefully I'll have none because I don't make New Years resolutions...

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#12

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With Why is partying in Times Square overrated?

Because they drop the ball every year.

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Mari Mar Pinta
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'd love to go experience it but that crowd is just too much... I also like to see the many proposals that get shared on social media the next day or see footage of it that same night....

#13

"Happy new year 2019 guys!!!" Posted via Internet Explorer.

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#14

What's the worst part of jogging on New Year's Eve?

The ice falling out of your drink!

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Headless Roach
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My friend and I go for a run on Jan-01 morning every year. I confirm it is difficult not to spill champagne while on the move 🙃

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#15

What do you tell someone you didn't see on New Year's Eve?

"I haven't seen you since last year!"

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#16

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With What did the little champagne bottle call his father?

Pop!

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#17

"I gave up drinking for the new year. Sorry, that came out wrong. I gave up. Drinking for the New Year."

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#18

What was Dr. Frankenstein’s New Year’s resolution?

To make new friends.

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#19

What does a jeweler do on Dec. 31?

Ring in the New Year.

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#20

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With Why should you stand on just your left foot during the New Year's Eve countdown?

So you start the New Year on the right foot.

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#21

"My resolution was to read more... so I put the subtitles on my TV."

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#22

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Cheese.

Cheese who?

For cheese a jolly good fellow.

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#23

A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions. So it’s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd.

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#24

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With "I made a New Year's resolution to stop procrastinating, but I'm going to wait until next year to start."

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#25

What happened to the man who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months!

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#26

Who gets the most excited about the New Year's Eve countdown?

Calendar companies.

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#27

"I'm going to be giving up aerosol deodorant in the new year. Roll on 2023."

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#28

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With On New Year's Eve, a man arrives at a fancy dress party completely naked "I'm a turtle" he says, "Oh.. who's on your back?" "That's Michelle" he replies.

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#29

Where can you find comedians on New Year's Eve?

Waiting on the punchline.

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#30

What do you call someone named Stephen on Dec. 31?

New Year's Steve!

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#31

What was the Amityville Priest’s resolution?

To exorcise more.

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#32

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With What does a ghost say on Dec. 31?

"Happy Boo Year!"

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#33

"I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year."

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#34

A woman took an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?" He replied, "Aha, you'll know tonight!" At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped present. Excited, she opened it quickly, but was even more surprised: In it was a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams".

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#35

An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Year's Eve. One was charged and the other was let off.

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#36

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With What do you call someone who says they know all the words to "Auld Lang Syne?"

A liar.

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#37

Why are there so many vampires out on New Year’s Eve?

For old fangs time.

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#38

Did you hear about the guy who started fixing breakfast at midnight on Dec. 31?

He wanted to make a New Year’s toast!

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#39

"Not to brag, but I already have a date for New Year’s Eve. It’s December 31st."

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#40

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With "At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds... only 15 more to go!"

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#41

What do farmers give their wives at midnight on New Year’s Eve?

Hogs and kisses.

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#42

What was the brewery's end-of-year Instagram caption?

"Happy Brew Year!"

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#43

What's a spider's New Year's resolution?

To spend less time on the web!

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#44

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With What do dogs say on New Year's Eve?

"Woof."

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#45

What did the cat say on January 1?

"Happy Mew Year!"

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#46

A drunk wakes up in jail on New Years Eve and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" The cop replies, "For drinking." "Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

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#47

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's the new year's resolution coming?" the bartender asks. "Great, I went to the gym today and I already lost 10 pounds," the guy replies. "Seriously, I have no idea where I misplaced those weights."

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#48

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With "Last year, I was able to keep all of my New Year’s resolutions… tucked away in a journal on my bookshelf."

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#49

"This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym... and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year."

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#50

"My New Years resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great! I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!"

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#51

What did Che Guevara make on New Year’s Day?

A New Year’s revolution.

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#52

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With Why do birds fly south for New Year's Eve?

Because it's too far to walk.

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#53

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Razor.

Razor who?

Razor glass and toast to a happy new year.

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#54

What do you say when bidding farewell on Dec. 31?

"See you next year!"

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#55

What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve?

Social Security.

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#56

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With What New Year's resolution guarantees success?

Making a resolution to break your resolution.

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#57

What did the cat say on New Year's Eve?

"Meow."

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#58

"I promise not to make any bad jokes for the rest of the year."

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#59

Why should you put your new calendar in the freezer?

To start off the new year in a cool way.

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#60

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With "My New Year's resolution is to break my New Year's resolutions. That way I succeed at something!"

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#61

Let’s celebrate New Year’s Eve... by making many pour decisions!

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#62

"I would lose weight for my New Year's resolution... but I hate losing."

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#63

Why was 6 afraid of 9 on New Year's Eve?

Because 9, 8, 7...

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#64

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With What do New Year’s Day parades have in common with Santa Claus?

No one is awake to see either of them.

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#65

"My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions."

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#66

Why did the woman start cracking up on New Year's?

She saw her husband's resolutions!

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#67

What does every New Year have in store for us?

Another 365 days!

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#68

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With Why should you smooch an 8 on New Year's?

It leaves room for growth.

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#69

Why did the girl score a B on her New Year's assignment?

She was leaving room for growth!

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#70

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Hippy.

Hippy who?

Hippy New Year's, dude!

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#71

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ben.

Ben who?

Ben waiting for the ball to drop all day!

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#72

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year's party on the moon, but they didn't planet in time.

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#73

"I thought I got lost on New Year's Eve, but then I found the Auld Lang sign."

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#74

What did the bull say on January 1?

"Happy New Steer."

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#75

What did Adam say to Eve on Dec. 31?

“It’s Christmas, Eve.”

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#76

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With "My New Year’s Resolution is to switch to a vegan diet in 2022. Luckily I just got covid, so I won’t notice any difference!"

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#77

"A coworker told me to live every day like it’s a brand new year. I said I already do that. I wake up hung over. I contemplate all the decisions I made the “year”before. And I try to make resolutions and I always break them."

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#78

How many people does it take to have a new years party?

Two and a fifth.

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#79

"My New Year's Resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language. I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done by tomorrow."

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#80

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With "Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel. Four years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!"

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#81

"My New Year's resolution is to start my own sheep farm. I've already found the perfect location in Seattle and I already moved over there. Now I'm just waiting for the first animals to arrive, because for the moment I'm basically Sheepless in Seattle."

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#82

If you start watching "When Harry Met Sally" at 11:15 pm, when the clock strikes midnight and brings in the new year... you will still be just as single as when you started the movie.

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#83

"New year, new me!" Said the Covid-19 virus as it mutates.

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#84

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With Shouting “Jumanji” at New Year didn’t work. New plan: Shout “Covfefe” at midnight on Jan 20.

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#85

"I can’t wait for New Year’s Day. So we can read all the “hindsight is 2022” jokes."

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#86

"I was hoping 2023 would be a year where people stopped getting offended by everything, but boy was I wrong. All I said was "I hope you start off the New Year on the right foot." Damn amputees."

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#87

"I don't like these Chinese New Year celebrations. They tend to Drag-on."

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#88

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With "I had a guy tell me Happy New Year but he said "See you in 2025." Either he had the year wrong, or he made a comment on his fantastic vision."

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#89

What's the hardest part of a new year?

Remembering to change dates before you repost.

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#90

"My New Year's resolution is to stay out of shape. Maybe I won't stick with this one either."

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#91

"My New Years Resolutions are 1600x900, 1330 x 768 and 1024x768. I’m not buying any new TV’s."

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#92

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With Why did China cancel Chinese New Years?

Everybody was kung-flu fighting.

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#93

What is a New Year's resolution?

Something that goes in one year and out the other.

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#94

"My New Year's resolution is to see my cup half-full, preferably with rum, gin, vodka, or moonshine."

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#95

What is the digital camera's New Year's resolution?

1080p.

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#96

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With What do you use in the bathroom on Jan. 1 after No. 2?

A New Year's bidet.

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#97

What do cows say on Jan. 1?

"Happy Moo New Year!"

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#98

What is corn's favorite holiday?

New Ears Eve.

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#99

How did Prince celebrate the new millennium?

He partied like it was 1999.

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#100

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With What does a field grow on Jan. 1?

New Year’s hay.

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#101

A man asks his buddy for a cigarette. His friend quips, “I thought you made a New Year's resolution and that you don’t smoke.” The man replied, “I'm in phase one of quitting." Confused, his friend asked, "Phase one?" The man laughed, "Yes. I've quit buying."

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#102

What new year’s resolution should a basketball player never make?

To travel more.

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#103

What did the cheerleaders say on New Year’s Day?

"Happy New Cheer!"

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#104

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With Knock knock!

Who's there?

Abby.

Abby who?

Abby New Year!

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#105

What do criminals pay on Jan. 1?

New Year's restitution.

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#106

A man who had too much to drink decides to walk home on New Year's Eve. A policeman stopped the man and asked where he was going. "I'm on my way to a lecture," the man replied. The cop scoffed, "Who gives lectures on New Year's Eve?" The man answered: "My wife."

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#107

Where can you practice multiplication tables on New Year's Eve?

Times Square.

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#108

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With What does a ghoul say on Dec. 31?

"Happy New Fear!"

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#109

What food should you avoid on New Year's?

Firecrackers.

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#110

What does a caterpillar do on Jan. 1?

Turns over a new leaf.

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#111

Why did the man sprinkle sugar on his pillow on New Year's Eve?

He wanted to start the year with sweet dreams.

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#112

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With In what year did Christmas Day and New Year's Day fall in the same year?

Every year!

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#113

What's the one group that hates New Year's Day?

The New Year's Eve clean-up crew.

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#114

"This New Year I resolve to be less awesome... since that is really the only thing I do in excess."

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#115

"New Year? I just got used to this last one!"

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#116

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With Dracula passed out at midnight on New Year's Eve... there was a count down.

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#117

Why was 2022 such a blur?

Your resolution must have been too low.

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#118

Celebrating New Year's has many pros, so what's the biggest con?

The con-fetti!

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#119

"My New Year's Day resolution is to have my cup half full... of coffee."

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#120

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With What did the kids say about the New Year's fireworks?

"They were a blast."

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#121

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Sip.

Sip who?

Sip, sip, hooray for New Year's!

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#122

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Woo.

Woo who?

Calm down, the ball hasn't dropped yet!

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#123

"I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be. He answered: 640 x 480."

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#124

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Sorry I suffer from premature congratulation."

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#125

A women took a nap on New Years Eve. When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?” He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!” At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped present. Excited, she opened it quickly, but was even more surprised: in it was a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams".

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#126

"I tested positive for COVID-19 on New Year's Day. Guess you could say I started 2023 on a positive note."

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#127

"For my New Years resolution I promise to never steal money out of my wife’s purse. But then I just remembered she’s got a birthday coming up."

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#128

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With "Not to brag, but I kept my new year’s resolution for 2020 by tackling the Rockies. Next year, it is the Rambos."

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#129

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

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#130

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck 12, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

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#131

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With "Saw in the New Year with some Australian kangaroo beer. Nice and hoppy."

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#132

"I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me… two police officers and a psychiatrist."

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#133

May your Christmas and New Year be like "The Notebook"... get so wasted you don't remember Ryan Gosling.

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#134

134 New Year's Jokes To Greet The Future With How do you lose 12 stones of unsightly fat for the new year?

Divorce her.

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