Jenny has been traumatized throughout her life. That's what foster care in the US means. She very likely has attachment disorder, which can cause a person to either never trust anyone, or like me, trust everyone until you finally learn. (I was not in foster care, but suffered abuse and neglect, with attachment disorder and ptsd.) The commenter above in the article who understands said it way better than I could. Jenny will learn, but is very sensitive and raw. She doesn't share herself because she's petrified you won't accept her because of it. Even as a past middle age adult, when people find out my abusive parents didn't want me, I get negative judgement more often than not. So many people just refuse to believe it's possible, especially around holidays, and accuse you of lies. As a person raw from rejection, it can make you run toward any bit of acceptance. Yes, it's sad, but it's at least genuine.

I think Nico is to blame the most in this situation, he knew his family were finding Jenny a bit too full on and didn't do enough about it. Op's comment was pretty mean but by the sounds of it, resentment was building up and it only took one more push from Jenny for someone to snap back. The suggestion that OP takes Jenny out for a coffee and a gentle discussion on neutral ground is a good one. If Nico really wants his relationship with Jenny to work and to still be part of his family, then he should encourage the coffee date. An apology from OP is a good place to start things off as it shows her desire to still want them to be part of the family.

YTA. Full stop

YTA. This woman grew up in the foster system. She has clearly had a very difficult childhood and clearly struggles with attachment disorder and boundaries - extremely common and unsurprising given her experiences. She clearly desperately wants to create that connection and it does not sound like she has been met with empathy and understanding - just judgement and criticism.

I don't think anyone here understands how foster families tend to work. When you get to a new house, that family basically tells you the other fosters are your "brothers and sisters now" and says things like "Go help your little sister". (Many places are also "group homes" not mom, dad, and some kids.) Jenny probably thinks that's how it's *supposed* to work when you end up in a new home. (And in foster care, often does, since the kids don't really have anyone but each other.) In foster care, there's also the pressure to get on good terms quick with everyone - because if you don't, things are going to be miserable. You have to curry favor and get other kids to like you real quick. And the "family" changes too often, too fast, to wait around letting things "happen naturally". Do that, and you'll have no support system at all, because by the time you "make friends naturally", that friend might be in another foster home. (Or you might.) CONT.

I have a very close friend who’s step daughter came to live with them a year ago, coming from her mom who was, at the best of times, neglectful. She is very clingy, when she comes to my house she will snuggle up with me, touch my hair, stroke my fingers, just needing physical closeness. It is heartbreaking for me to think of this sweet girl needing so much physical confirmation that someone is there for her. For everyone saying ‘she’s an adult, she should….’ If you have not experienced the level of neglect and who even knows what else Jenny has gone through, it is ingrained in every part of her and that doesn’t go away overnight. They need family counseling so that they all have a safe space to communicate and establish boundaries on both sides. Nico’s family isn’t wrong to feel the way they do, but they need to go about this differently. It is obviously not as simple as talking to Jenny, even if Nico had done that it wouldn’t have solved things for anyone.

Very much NTA. My family has someone like this, too. She had a very difficult and stifling upbringing. My family has always tried to welcome her and make her feel comfortable because she was a friend of a family member, but she assumes too much. She insinuates herself in family business that does not concern nor pertain to her. No one asks her opinion or even tries to get her involved but that doesn't stop her. She has taken to calling my grandmother "mom" even though my grandmother does not like it. She has done this same over-stepping with other people but refuses to back down, even when asked. You can feel empathy for someone and try to understand what shaped them but that doesn't excuse everything they do. If they are making you uncomfortable and they are refusing to stop making you uncomfortable, why is that okay just because they had a rough childhood?

Seems like the OP will only be happy if Nico and Jenny cave to give the family the power of the upper hand to form the relationship THEY want with her, which is one where Jenny is held at arm's length. I think Nico *did* talk to Jenny, but the conversation was probably one where he likes how Jenny is (hence why he wants to marry her) and encourages her to be herself. If the family not accepting her keeps him at low contact, good for him. He picked his future wife's feelings over theirs, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who wishes they had landed a standup guy like that.

You people do not like this woman and have no intention of letting her into your family. She doesn’t have the skill set to slowly make friends. She has an idealized idea of what family is. With every attempt to connect with any of you, she gets pushed away. Phrasing all of this to take away from the fact that you are just cruel narcissists, doesn’t change anything. I wonder why your brother didn’t want you all “talking” to her - look at what you did and how everyone else is OK with how she is treated. The comment that your words pushed her back mentally, tells me she was working on her insecurities and people she thought would be family agree she isn’t good enough. I hope you brother loves and respects her enough to cut ties and prove to her that they are a family of two

All around sad.

I wonder how long will it take to "build" a relationship with this family? Isn't two years kind of enough to accept and love someone? I feel sorry for poor Jenny, she's got so much love to give!

OP is TA. Yeah, Jenny's intense, Nico's kind of spineless, and everybody kinda sucks, but OP crossed a major line with her comment.

Oh your family is all ASH. She found herself with a family, and her enthusiasm had no bounds. And you all have rejected her, repulsed and angered by her. Good grief, this is so new to her and she doesn't understand. She's never had this, and you all did nothing to help her. You can all rot, and I hope she figures that out and finds a better family.

Saying we don't owe you a new family was cruel.

Some of you are as unhinged as the Future SIL and are seriously projecting. Having a traumatic childhood does not mean she can continuously disrespect others boundaries. She is entitled to being treated fairly with respect. She is not entitled to any sort of familial relationship with her inlaws. My sister's ex is simply family now. He grew up in an out of foster care with an addict grandmother who lied to him for years about being his birth mom. Then she lied and said his mom died.

Ffs! Jenny has NEVER LEARNED HOW to build a relationship. They sound like an extremely snotty and entitled bunch with little empathy and zero insight. Yuk!

It sounds very much like Jenny has an attachment disorder, it is incredibly common in children who were brought up in the care system.

youre only worried about it because you lost the family their connection with her fiance

I used to be almost like Jenny and I feel so sorry for her. They don't give a f**k if we have the best intentions, they just want to focus on our flaws. I wasn't raised in foster care but I had abusive and neglecting parents and used to fawn and be friendly so ppl could like me. When I got to meet my ex's paternal family they were just like OP's. I didn't go that far like inserting myself on family pictures/ business or talk about personal subjects but I always tried to be friends and felt rejected all the time. One of them even made up a story about me being angry at my SIL bc she hasn't sent me a picture of her newborn AT THE DAY HE WAS BORN. I would never do that. I can't imagine how bad Jenny is feeling about herself, I hope she gets professional help so she can heal and development her self esteem /boundaries, bc even when I'm far away from that whole family now I still cringe when I remember they saw me being vulnerable like that. Yes, Jenny has issues but OP is insensitive asf.

YTA and so is your family

Two years and engaged to your brother but you still treat her like a stranger.

seems like OP just has a different way of approaching people. some are more standoffish than others. maybe Jenny is just a real sociable person and their family isnt that way. OP mentions Jenny was messaging cousins and other family they havent spoken to in years, so clearly they arent close knit, at least not overly so. i agree they do not owe jenny the family she never got, but if they had nipped this in the bud from the beginning instead of relying on the son to be the go-between, they could have avoided all of this

I'm still confused why OP isn't allowed to feel the way she does? Why can she not have a photo of just her and her siblings? I completely get involving a new family member. But there are also boundaries that cannot be crossed immediately with some. This is an example of know your place. And if you don't- as she didn't- the brother/fiancé should have had a talk with her. It should have been him explaining thst while her motives and actions are lovely- each person needs to accept her 100% on their own time. I'm an only child. I married into a family that welcomed everyone and even divorce did not break the friendships made within. Not all families are like this. OP could've chosen her words better. Or even taken her aside w her brother and said- we need to talk about some things... but no one is really an a*****e here.

You’re rude and the whole family needs to grow up. The son/brother has invited the woman he intends to marry for life into the family. Accept it and stop being so uptight and unreachable. You are special

You are talking and talking about "she needs to build a relationship..." But what did you do the past two years? Did you just meet her? Now on her head, the family picture is about who share and talk about everything, she expect a sister to share, a brother who defends her, and parents. The sad part is your parents reject her, you reject her, and none in two years have been trying to build any relationship, meet her, or being flexible with your new member of the family. Nico doesnt want you or any other members of the family talk to her because you in two years had been nice and try to be in her shoes

Personally I would bail on this family - run fast, run far. They make a lot of excuses for their behavior but what I see is n Uber-insular clan that wants to regulate everyone's participation in accordance with their "growing up" dynamics. A fiancé should be instant fam and be proactively invited so the new member can learn who the family is and how they operate. Being disadvantaged with not having had a permanent family, I would think they would have erred on more inclusion rather than exclusion. Color me appalled.