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Hey Pandas, What Should I Do About My Relationship After My Boyfriend Didn’t Stand Up For Me?
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Hey Pandas, What Should I Do About My Relationship After My Boyfriend Didn’t Stand Up For Me?

Hey Pandas, What Should I Do About My Relationship After My Boyfriend Didn’t Stand Up For Me?Hey Pandas, Is My Boyfriend’s Lack Of Support A Red Flag For Our Future Together?Hey Pandas, Should I Stay Or Go After My Boyfriend Didn’t Have My Back At Work?Hey Pandas, What Should I Do When My Boyfriend Didn’t Stick Up For Me Against His Colleagues?Hey Pandas, Should I Reconsider My Relationship After My Boyfriend Didn’t Support Me?Hey Pandas, Is It Worth Staying In My Relationship After My Boyfriend’s Lack Of Support?Hey Pandas, Should I Stay With My Boyfriend After He Didn't Support Me At Work?Hey Pandas, What Should I Do About My Relationship After My Boyfriend Didn’t Stand Up For Me?Hey Pandas, What Should I Do About My Relationship After My Boyfriend Didn’t Stand Up For Me?Hey Pandas, What Should I Do About My Relationship After My Boyfriend Didn’t Stand Up For Me?
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I have worked for large international companies all my life as an upper-management executive assistant. I would have liked to get a bachelor’s degree when I was a young adult, but my mother died of cancer when I was 17 years old, and I had to provide for my younger sister because my father stopped buying groceries.

So, I worked hard all my life, climbing up the administrative support ladder all the way to the top, but I still felt unfulfilled. I waited for my three children to be older (teenagers) to take university classes at night and pursue a bachelor’s degree in business management. That didn’t sit well with my ex-husband (my children’s father), and we ended up getting a divorce. I obtained a certificate in business management, but that deterred me from pursuing a full bachelor’s degree at that time.

I then met another man, and my children and I moved in with him. It’s been 8 years of ups and downs, as he himself has three younger children. We still manage our finances separately.

A few months ago, I started experiencing major burnout at work (in a big pharma company) because I felt stuck in this executive assistant role, so I am on sick leave now.

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My boyfriend started a construction company a few years ago

Image credits: Daniel McCullough (not the actual photo)

I helped him by setting up all the administration and marketing aspects and supported him financially while he studied to get his general contractor license.

Six months ago, an old friend of his suggested they become associates to establish a construction stripping company. This friend had contacts to help jumpstart the project, but he didn’t have the required general contractor license, and a past felony conviction prevented him from founding a new company. At first, he wanted my boyfriend to adopt a passive role in this project by having his adult daughter act as President, but I convinced my boyfriend to protect his general contractor license by requiring that he be appointed as President in this new venture. So, he did, and they agreed and became partners.

Lately, they have experienced management challenges and financial losses, as they lack the knowledge and experience. I gave them some advice that helped them solve some problems, but I won’t work on structuring this multi-million-dollar company while I’m on sick leave and for no pay. So, they offered me a permanent consultant job on their payroll. It should be noted that the business associate’s daughter works as VP of administration in this company.

An employment contract was prepared to onboard me as a management consultant, reporting to the VP of administration

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Image credits: Dylan Gillis (not the actual photo)

Since I don’t trust the business partner and wanted to cover my back, I asked that a list of my responsibilities be stated in the contract and that a provision be included that, if I was laid off during the first year of working for them, I would receive a severance package equivalent to one year’s salary. They agreed, and we signed the contract. Please bear in mind that my boyfriend also knows that my burnout was primarily caused by my dissatisfaction with low-challenge administrative work.

Lo and behold, 24 hours prior to my first day at work, they (my boyfriend, the President, and his partner’s daughter, the VP of administration) called me in for a meeting and informed me that they would require me to spend 20 hours per week taking care of the reception area and other basic administrative work.

The VP also mentioned that she was uncomfortable with the one-year severance clause in my contract.

I objected to taking on the basic administrative tasks that changed my role significantly

Image credits: Annie Spratt (not the actual photo)

The VP said not to show up for work. I am very upset, to say the least, since my boyfriend didn’t stand up for me in that meeting. A few hours later, I wrote them an email saying I would consider what my legal options are. I booked a hotel room to get away from my boyfriend for a few days and decide if I want to continue in this relationship or not, all the while still being out of a job with three children dependent on me. I’m at a loss. Am I overreacting, or should I call it quits with him?

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If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.

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Hi there! I'm Gabrielė, but you can also catch me responding to Gab, Gabi, Gabert, or Gabe – take your pick. Professionally, I'm the senior community manager over at Bored Panda, helping people share their awesome work and connecting artists with a worldwide audience. Beyond work, you'll catch me traveling, listening to vinyl and diving into movies, art exhibitions, and concerts. I'm a culture buff at heart, always eager to explore and embrace the richness of the human experience.

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Gabrielė Malukaitė

Gabrielė Malukaitė

Moderator, BoredPanda staff

Hi there! I'm Gabrielė, but you can also catch me responding to Gab, Gabi, Gabert, or Gabe – take your pick. Professionally, I'm the senior community manager over at Bored Panda, helping people share their awesome work and connecting artists with a worldwide audience. Beyond work, you'll catch me traveling, listening to vinyl and diving into movies, art exhibitions, and concerts. I'm a culture buff at heart, always eager to explore and embrace the richness of the human experience.

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jb_16 avatar
JB
Community Member
3 weeks ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

1. You aren’t out of a job. According to you you’re on sick leave from your EA role. You can go back to it, then job hunt for something that fits you better. 2. Whether Miss VP of Administration likes it or not, they signed the contract including the clause that if they laid you off, you get a year’s salary. That contract also describes your responsibilities, which they tried to unilaterally change and you (justifiably) declined to accept. Definitely talk to a lawyer about the terms used in the contract to determine if cancelling the contract is legally the same thing as being laid off and the implications of them telling you not to come in the day before your start date. 3. You describe your relationship as 8 years of ups and downs; you DON’T say you love your partner. I find that a telling omission. Add in that you chose to go to a hotel rather than talk things out with him suggests you have already tapped out of the relationship. Marriage counselling can’t fix “I’m done”. My ex figured that out when I complied with his request for counselling after I’d started divorce proceedings. The therapist listened to us both, then told me he understood why I had chosen divorce and his advice was to continue. If you’re done, don’t waste time or money on trying to fix irretrievably broken. 4. Your man is president in name only. He’s the passive partner his ‘friend’ wanted, just with a fancy title. You don’t trust this friend but your partner has tied his reputation to ‘their’ company, which is failing because they don’t have the knowledge or experience to succeed. Maybe they can acquire both but the whole debacle with your contract suggests they muddle through and aren’t actually willing to learn. I can’t and won’t tell you what to do. All I’m willing to say is you sound intelligent and resilient. Trust yourself to choose a path that works for you and your kids.

writevalda avatar
ValdaDeDieu
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Legally, protect yourself. Find proof of your contribution, hire an attorney and obtain a settlement. Dump the "boyfriend". He's showing his true colors and will continue to do so. You're better off without the emotional, mental and financial distress he will inevitably bring. But get paid for your contribution - all of if. Anyone as smart as you has a paper trail. Anyone as dumb as he and his "partners" will eventually lose the business anyway. No point in going down with THAT ship.

Load More Replies...
glennschroeder avatar
Papa
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Whatever you do with your boyfriend, my best advice would be to stick with your current job. I got the impression that, while you don't love it, you don't hate it either. Assuming it pays adequately for you to take care of yourself and your children, accept the fact that you don't love it. Jobs are for paying the bills. Hobbies are for feeling "fulfilled." By the way, this story perfectly illustrates why business partnerships are so often problematic.

tina-529 avatar
arliae_ avatar
Estelle E.
Community Member
4 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You sound you're not in a happy place right now. It's about work for sure, but nowhere in the text you write, I feel you're in love with your boyfriend, nor that he's loving you. It's difficult financially, you have 3 children counting on you, but consider how they might feel with their mom both unsatisfied with her pro and love life? You need a fresh start, go on if you're feeling you can do it (or wait for you to not need sick leave anymore). Although if you care at least a little about your relationship with your boyfriend, you must try to talk with him about it. Actually, the best for you might be to seek therapy. There's a lot going on, and internet have limited access to the required information necessary to share good advice. Take care

tina-529 avatar
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Thank you for your advice. I intend on suggesting we see a mariage counselor, but I certainly feel unconsidered and let down to a point where I question if it’s worth it…

Load More Replies...
libstak avatar
Libstak
Community Member
3 weeks ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Where did you leave your 3 children when you went to the hotel? With HIM? Seriously, I feel like your boyfriend is being played by his business partner, he needs a forensic audit on expenditures done stat before anything else to see why there are losses. That he folded and let the daughter and partner to try and railroad you into admin and reception duties while your job title suggests higher responsibilities says he is a push over. He is the President and you are the financial consultant...you are both being set up as patsies, open your eyes.

tina-529 avatar
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I left my children with my sister. After all is said and done, I am glad not to work for them. Apparently, I have more self-respect than my boyfriend has…

Load More Replies...
monicag_2 avatar
Monica G
Community Member
3 weeks ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You probably should have kept private life separate from work. I think you need legal advice, a vacation and you might benefit from coaching and / or therapy. I wish you well.

gfbarros avatar
Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I dont entirely understand how you both dont have a job and are on sick leave? My understanding of sick leave is that you have a reduced income and a job to go back to. So that gives you some options. First, go back home. Your kids are there, and you can face your problems better in your own house. Plus, the money for a hotel is better spent on a labour lawyer and a therapist.

tina-529 avatar
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My boyfriend still has his President job. I have an executive assistant role waiting for me at the big pharma company, but I thought I had found an opportunity to put my college management studies to good use. I do have that big pharma job waiting for me, so I’m ok financially. Let’s say that my boyfriend not stepping up for me has left my head spinning - I’m a bit in shock right now. We’ll definitely need to consult a therapist to salvage the relationship.

Load More Replies...
apatheistaccount2 avatar
Apatheist Account2
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is why working with relatives and partners can be fraught, and being at different levels even more so. He may have to make a business decision that conflicts with what he wants for you personally. In UK statutory redundancy pay doesn't kick in until one has been there for 2 years; not sure how it is where you are. He needs to explain the decisions in objective, business terms - you can't expect him to "stick up" for you if the business demands that things have to be different.

tina-529 avatar
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Here in Canada, a signed employment contract with specific provisions is legally binding. There is already an employee (the partner’s other daughter and VP Admin’s sister…) acting as full time receptionist. It looks as though the partner is afraid to lose control over management decision with my onboarding. That being said, I have no management decision power, as I don’t have a position on the board of administrators.

Load More Replies...
dbzi5shm avatar
Secret Squirrel
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I would be mortified if my partner jumped in while I was in the room. At no point in this post does it seem like OP isn't capable of articulating her argument or advocating for herself. I'd be livid if my partner mansplained over me in the meeting about my own needs. If you want help ask, otherwise be happy your partner doesn't see you as a damsel in distress, but someone on equal footing who he wouldn't want to embarrass at a meeting. She didn't even send him a won't you agree President.

byzantiume2 avatar
FreeTheUnicorn
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He's not your BF in a business meeting. If you want to call his ethics into question as President of the company, fine, but it's inappropriate to expect your romantic relationship to affect your professional one. Also, you seem capable of fighting your own battles, it would be patronising for a guy to mansplain how you should react.

tina-529 avatar
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Your comment makes plenty of sense, but this is a « family operated » company, meaning that the partner’s daughter who is VP got the position without having the qualification, just so that the management decisions would be taken 50-50 with the President. The partner’s other daughter also works there and takes care of all the administrative work. To top it off, the VP Admin got into a romantic relationship with the top project manager in the company. In retrospect, it is better that I stay away from that mess.

Load More Replies...
californianinkansas avatar
Btsquestrian
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Please schedule a consultation with an employment law attorney. Please find a new romantic partner who respects and admires you for all of the valuable skills that you bring to a relationship, instead of viewing you as a resource to be mined.

ram31280 avatar
RAM31280
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When working with friends and family you have to separate work from home. Work is not personal and at home try to avoid talking about work.

ritabenko_1 avatar
Fellfromthemoon
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How are your three kids dependent on you? They were teenagers when you divorced, and that was over 8 years ago.

tina-529 avatar
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They were pre-teens actually. They are all in school still. My eldest shares an appartment with another university student, but I help out financially.

Load More Replies...
jb_16 avatar
JB
Community Member
3 weeks ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

1. You aren’t out of a job. According to you you’re on sick leave from your EA role. You can go back to it, then job hunt for something that fits you better. 2. Whether Miss VP of Administration likes it or not, they signed the contract including the clause that if they laid you off, you get a year’s salary. That contract also describes your responsibilities, which they tried to unilaterally change and you (justifiably) declined to accept. Definitely talk to a lawyer about the terms used in the contract to determine if cancelling the contract is legally the same thing as being laid off and the implications of them telling you not to come in the day before your start date. 3. You describe your relationship as 8 years of ups and downs; you DON’T say you love your partner. I find that a telling omission. Add in that you chose to go to a hotel rather than talk things out with him suggests you have already tapped out of the relationship. Marriage counselling can’t fix “I’m done”. My ex figured that out when I complied with his request for counselling after I’d started divorce proceedings. The therapist listened to us both, then told me he understood why I had chosen divorce and his advice was to continue. If you’re done, don’t waste time or money on trying to fix irretrievably broken. 4. Your man is president in name only. He’s the passive partner his ‘friend’ wanted, just with a fancy title. You don’t trust this friend but your partner has tied his reputation to ‘their’ company, which is failing because they don’t have the knowledge or experience to succeed. Maybe they can acquire both but the whole debacle with your contract suggests they muddle through and aren’t actually willing to learn. I can’t and won’t tell you what to do. All I’m willing to say is you sound intelligent and resilient. Trust yourself to choose a path that works for you and your kids.

writevalda avatar
ValdaDeDieu
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Legally, protect yourself. Find proof of your contribution, hire an attorney and obtain a settlement. Dump the "boyfriend". He's showing his true colors and will continue to do so. You're better off without the emotional, mental and financial distress he will inevitably bring. But get paid for your contribution - all of if. Anyone as smart as you has a paper trail. Anyone as dumb as he and his "partners" will eventually lose the business anyway. No point in going down with THAT ship.

Load More Replies...
glennschroeder avatar
Papa
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Whatever you do with your boyfriend, my best advice would be to stick with your current job. I got the impression that, while you don't love it, you don't hate it either. Assuming it pays adequately for you to take care of yourself and your children, accept the fact that you don't love it. Jobs are for paying the bills. Hobbies are for feeling "fulfilled." By the way, this story perfectly illustrates why business partnerships are so often problematic.

tina-529 avatar
arliae_ avatar
Estelle E.
Community Member
4 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You sound you're not in a happy place right now. It's about work for sure, but nowhere in the text you write, I feel you're in love with your boyfriend, nor that he's loving you. It's difficult financially, you have 3 children counting on you, but consider how they might feel with their mom both unsatisfied with her pro and love life? You need a fresh start, go on if you're feeling you can do it (or wait for you to not need sick leave anymore). Although if you care at least a little about your relationship with your boyfriend, you must try to talk with him about it. Actually, the best for you might be to seek therapy. There's a lot going on, and internet have limited access to the required information necessary to share good advice. Take care

tina-529 avatar
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Thank you for your advice. I intend on suggesting we see a mariage counselor, but I certainly feel unconsidered and let down to a point where I question if it’s worth it…

Load More Replies...
libstak avatar
Libstak
Community Member
3 weeks ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Where did you leave your 3 children when you went to the hotel? With HIM? Seriously, I feel like your boyfriend is being played by his business partner, he needs a forensic audit on expenditures done stat before anything else to see why there are losses. That he folded and let the daughter and partner to try and railroad you into admin and reception duties while your job title suggests higher responsibilities says he is a push over. He is the President and you are the financial consultant...you are both being set up as patsies, open your eyes.

tina-529 avatar
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I left my children with my sister. After all is said and done, I am glad not to work for them. Apparently, I have more self-respect than my boyfriend has…

Load More Replies...
monicag_2 avatar
Monica G
Community Member
3 weeks ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You probably should have kept private life separate from work. I think you need legal advice, a vacation and you might benefit from coaching and / or therapy. I wish you well.

gfbarros avatar
Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I dont entirely understand how you both dont have a job and are on sick leave? My understanding of sick leave is that you have a reduced income and a job to go back to. So that gives you some options. First, go back home. Your kids are there, and you can face your problems better in your own house. Plus, the money for a hotel is better spent on a labour lawyer and a therapist.

tina-529 avatar
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My boyfriend still has his President job. I have an executive assistant role waiting for me at the big pharma company, but I thought I had found an opportunity to put my college management studies to good use. I do have that big pharma job waiting for me, so I’m ok financially. Let’s say that my boyfriend not stepping up for me has left my head spinning - I’m a bit in shock right now. We’ll definitely need to consult a therapist to salvage the relationship.

Load More Replies...
apatheistaccount2 avatar
Apatheist Account2
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is why working with relatives and partners can be fraught, and being at different levels even more so. He may have to make a business decision that conflicts with what he wants for you personally. In UK statutory redundancy pay doesn't kick in until one has been there for 2 years; not sure how it is where you are. He needs to explain the decisions in objective, business terms - you can't expect him to "stick up" for you if the business demands that things have to be different.

tina-529 avatar
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Here in Canada, a signed employment contract with specific provisions is legally binding. There is already an employee (the partner’s other daughter and VP Admin’s sister…) acting as full time receptionist. It looks as though the partner is afraid to lose control over management decision with my onboarding. That being said, I have no management decision power, as I don’t have a position on the board of administrators.

Load More Replies...
dbzi5shm avatar
Secret Squirrel
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I would be mortified if my partner jumped in while I was in the room. At no point in this post does it seem like OP isn't capable of articulating her argument or advocating for herself. I'd be livid if my partner mansplained over me in the meeting about my own needs. If you want help ask, otherwise be happy your partner doesn't see you as a damsel in distress, but someone on equal footing who he wouldn't want to embarrass at a meeting. She didn't even send him a won't you agree President.

byzantiume2 avatar
FreeTheUnicorn
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He's not your BF in a business meeting. If you want to call his ethics into question as President of the company, fine, but it's inappropriate to expect your romantic relationship to affect your professional one. Also, you seem capable of fighting your own battles, it would be patronising for a guy to mansplain how you should react.

tina-529 avatar
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Your comment makes plenty of sense, but this is a « family operated » company, meaning that the partner’s daughter who is VP got the position without having the qualification, just so that the management decisions would be taken 50-50 with the President. The partner’s other daughter also works there and takes care of all the administrative work. To top it off, the VP Admin got into a romantic relationship with the top project manager in the company. In retrospect, it is better that I stay away from that mess.

Load More Replies...
californianinkansas avatar
Btsquestrian
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Please schedule a consultation with an employment law attorney. Please find a new romantic partner who respects and admires you for all of the valuable skills that you bring to a relationship, instead of viewing you as a resource to be mined.

ram31280 avatar
RAM31280
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When working with friends and family you have to separate work from home. Work is not personal and at home try to avoid talking about work.

ritabenko_1 avatar
Fellfromthemoon
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How are your three kids dependent on you? They were teenagers when you divorced, and that was over 8 years ago.

tina-529 avatar
Community Member
3 weeks ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They were pre-teens actually. They are all in school still. My eldest shares an appartment with another university student, but I help out financially.

Load More Replies...
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