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Music is as old as humankind itself, and so are puns. At least, we believe so. With what else could one have occupied their minds when scavenging for food some 60,000 years ago if not by annoying their hunting partners with puns or humming a repetitive tune? And, at one time, both of these pastimes merged into one, and thus we have musical puns - a marriage made in heaven. 

And you know what? We had so much fun searching for the best puns to include in our Liszt that we would just love to come Bach to the beginning of our search and do it all again! However, we can't Haydn the jokes that we've found anymore, so it's time to share the funniest puns with you. So, scroll down below and check them out for yourself, if you can Handel the hilarity!

And since a big chunk of our musical puns is dedicated to the Classics, we just couldn't miss a chance to talk to Kamilė Kubiliūtė - a professional violinist at the Philharmonie Salzburg (Austria) orchestra. She has kindly spoken to us about the life of a violinist and classical music, so be sure to read her answers below!

#2

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?

Too much sax and violins

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#3

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.

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First of all, we wanted to know how one becomes a professional violinist and if Kamilė always knew that it was the right path for her. She kindly shared her story about the early beginnings of such an unusual career, especially in these tech times. 

"I started studying for it when I was seven years old - that's when my parents brought me to the National M.K. Čiurlionis school of art." For those not acquainted with it - it's a Lithuanian national school for very gifted kids wanting to learn classical music, ballet, and fine arts. But let's go back to Kamilė's story - "My mother played the piano when she was young, so logically, that was my first instrument as well, (hmmm....talk about fulfilling your parents' dreams :D) but after one year, some teachers convinced my parents that someone with perfect pitch and rather small hands should switch to a string instrument - that's how the violin entered my life."

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#4

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors”

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#6

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

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Now, when we know what circumstances influenced our violinist's choice, we wanted to know how she coped with it at the beginning. "First years were horrifying for me, for my parents and the neighbors - violin is truly a very mean instrument to start musical education with. It takes years to produce something called sound finally." Let it be noted that the last comment was supplemented by a sad-ironic smirk. "And when you pair it up with an extremely impatient kid, as I was, and rather strict teachers, there will be some instruments left broken on the way to becoming a violinist (when something didn't work on the second try, I used to throw my bow across the room - one can imagine how it ended :D)."

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Thankfully, her trials and tribulations ended at some point, and in her case, the choice for a professional career as a violinist was made quite early. "I started to fully comprehend that this is the way I want to spend the rest of my life at around 12 years old. Around the same time, I stopped breaking instruments, started to practice not only while simultaneously reading books (it took a lot to hide it from my mother - still proud of it :D), and finally got to the stage of knowing the violin enough to start discovering the freedom of expression this instrument has to offer. At 16, I was already a full "music addict," and there were no questions left about what my career choices would be." So there you have it - rocky roads most often lead to something great. So if you're struggling with something right now, just remember that it will definitely end with a conclusion!

#7

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

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#8

What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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#9

Why can’t skeletons play church music?

Because they have no organs

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Now, since we have some sort of a tradition to take a peek into a professional's day, we just couldn't skip it with such an unconventional profession as a violinist! So when asked about her day, Kamilė's first reaction was - "OMG, that's actually a tough question - every one of us, I think, lives very individual lives with minimal routine in it. But I will try to describe a couple of the most common routines at least from my life."

Scenario number one - A Day With Orchestra Projects. 

"Wake up at seven from 15 alarms, with big plans to warm up at least 1 hour before leaving for a rehearsal, forget about big plans while drinking coffee, warm-up 15 min and rush to the bus to arrive early enough to still chat about daily nonsense with your colleagues. Rehearse from 9:30 till 12:30, come back home, fight with the idea of going for a nap or watching tons of bullsh*t on Netflix/YouTube or any other platform designed to destroy your life, eat, watch a bit of nonsense, and have your conscience slowly eating you from within about it, practice from 15 till 18 with several breaks (practicing actually requires tons of concentration, so I usually stop for a break every 45 min to an hour), have another coffee and rush to another rehearsal from 19:00 till 22:00, obviously go to sleep much too late and repeat the day from the "wake up at seven from 15 alarms" several times till the day of the concert."

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#10

How many indie hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it

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#12

How are trumpets like pirates?

They both murder in the high C’s

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Scenario number two - An Official Day Off, The First Of, Let's Say, Five Days Designated For Preparation For A Concert/Audition/Rehearsal Before You Paid Professional People To Fix Your Mental State.

"Wake up too late. It doesn't really matter when on the clock; the important part is that it is already too late. Have an aspirin; there was definitely one wine glass too much yesterday, as there definitely was a concert, otherwise why the hell would you be having a day (or days) off. Have a coffee, get motivated, make a practicing plan, procrastinate at the computer/phone/book, get annoyed about yourself procrastinating, find any other reason for NOT practicing: like sort all your single socks or try to tidy up a mess called your apartment, promise yourself to start practicing at 15h, 15:07 break that promise and make a new one start at 16h. Continue breaking them till 19, at least. You have two options left then: start the f... practicing and do it till 1 at night (yup, I do live in an apartment from the 15th century with a very low and depressing ceiling but with verrrry thick walls), or don't and feel crap about it."

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#13

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?

To get away from the noise

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H.L.Lewis
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ok, I love 2 things that seem to be in opposition to each other. The sound of bagpipes. And bagpipe jokes.

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#14

What is a Jehovah’s Witness’ favorite band?

The Doors

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#15

The biggest difference between the Super Bowl and the Grammys.
The Eagles have won a Grammy

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Scenario number two, annex B - An Official Day Off AFTER You Went To Intelligent People And Paid Them To Fix Your Brain

"Wake up later than usual, enjoy it. Do some sports for your poor, poor back, go for breakfast outside, meet people to talk about work again, or about music, or about personal issues, be happy about it and afterward procrastinate at home with watching nonsense, or go to a concert/museum or do any other stuff the internet tells you to do on a normal day of (feeling bad about not practicing is lingering there all the time, but you learned to ignore it politely- blessed are the ignorant, someone said once upon a time)."

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Scenario number three - Last Days Before An Important Deadline

"Wake up, eat, practice, eat, nap, practice, and then practice some more. Don't think, work."

See, it's kind of a constant with our interviews - good stuff comes only with hard work, dedication, and passion. Something that we can hope to have in our chosen career paths.



#16

What kind of music are balloons afraid of?

Pop Music

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#17

What rock group never sings?

Mount Rushmore

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Tee Witt
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Just because you have not heard them does not mean it does not happen

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#18

What’s the first thing a musician says at work?

“Would you like fries with that?”

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Naturally, we were very curious about Kamilė's favorite pieces and composers. To which she answered, "I like the ones where I feel like I am going to do a good job. Pieces that move me or are an interesting challenge. As for genres, I could say that I love opera and chamber music the most, but it doesn't mean that I don't find playing solo or symphonic works any less exciting."

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"Hypothetically, if I would be asked which composer I fear the most - it's definitely Shubert, and if I needed to save only two scores in a sort of "let's burn everything" apocalyptic scenario, it would be Beethoven string quartets and anything by Schönberg. (and I already hear all the pieces by other composers I adore screaming in my head)." For us, it's headphones time, tuning into some Beethoven. If you're about to do it too, be advised that it's kind of NSFW - you're about to be immersed into the glorious sounds of strings, forgetting about your duties completely for the next hour or so.

#20

Why shouldn't you trust string instruments?

They can be lyres

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#21

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?

Rap

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A.
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

too many jokes about mummies. we gotta amp the vamp jokes

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Surely, we just couldn't skip a question that just might result in some hilarity, so we asked Kamilė to tell us about her most notable concert. "Side reading in Vienna Volksoper as a substitute, when receiving the score 30 min before the performance was definitely memorable every single time :D Otherwise, it is a question I cannot answer- playing concerts is my life and my job - it would be the same as asking a worker in a bank which day he enjoyed the most - I guess first and the last one. And of course, the ones where something funny/unexpected happens."

"As a listener though, I had twice an experience of losing any ability to speak after the concert - the music was so great, that any attempts to describe it would be simply pitiful: once in Lithuania, after a concert of my friend Agata Daraškaitė, who gave a recital in the City Hall and once in Vienna Konzerthaus after the recital of Ivo Pogorelich, a phenomenal Croatian pianist." And that, dear readers, is how we completely lost track of time, so we searched for the works of the artists that Kamilė mentioned with care, especially if you are supposed to be seriously working now.

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#22

What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?

A tattoo

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#23

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A-flat minor

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Vicky Z
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You can get the same if you throw a kid from a building ( ok i know it's bad but don't hate me i like dark humor)

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#24

What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?

Swing

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Now, we all have this picture in our minds thinking that classical music performers are incredibly serious. That's exactly why we have asked our violinist to clear things up for us. "Well, good artists are very, very intelligent. The majority of them also have a great sense of humor, as that is a part of being intelligent, as we all know. At the same time, a lot of us are introverts - just try spending a lot of hours without talking and only with your instrument or the score, and you will become one easily. So sometimes, some artists I know are not the easiest to approach or connect with. But usually in the orchestra, one would meet all sorts of personalities - from very serious and silent ones to that one guy/girl who cracks jokes every 5 minutes."

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#25

How do you fix a broken tuba?

With a tuba glue

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#26

There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt

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A.
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

i’ve really got to get a Handel on that Liszt. but don’t Strauss if you can’t get it to me by tomorrow.

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Lastly, we wanted to know what Kamilė does for fun, that is, if she ever finds the time for it. "Good coffee. I am searching for it wherever I go. I love painting and photography, I just have no time for both, but someday I hope to manage to spend more time with them. Adore sleeping late.

I am a total addict to audiobooks - anything by Stephen King, and I am in heaven. I love traveling, especially exploring new cities - I think my love for nature is still to come. Absolutely hate cooking but really like good quality food, whatever the kitchen. I love trying new instruments and bows - I hope at some point in my life to start collecting. I could spend hours trying new strings or making a fresh setup for my violin. Love Movies and Museums. Or museums and movies. Or movies in Museums :D."

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And that is it, folks - hopefully, you've learned something new about being a professional violinist. And for that, we bow to Kamilė Kubiliūtė, who has so kindly shared her experience with you, our readers, and us. Also, if you're ever in Salzburg, check if she has a concert scheduled at the Philharmonie Salzburg's official page.

#28

What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?

Litterachi

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#29

Where did the music teacher leave her keys?

In the piano

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#30

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it

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BasedWang
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

siiiiigh. I make this joke way too often with wayyyy too many objects

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#31

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?

New Age music

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#32

What’s the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna

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#33

The Olympic runner can't play music in her free time anymore. She broke her record yesterday

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#35

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?

He was Haydn

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#36

What happened to the musicians who misbehaved at the concert?

They're band for life

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#37

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?

Because they put on the salsa

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#38

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?

A moo-sician

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#39

A drum rolled down a hill. Ba-dum tsssh!

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#40

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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#41

What happens if you play a county song backwards?

Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison

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#42

Vegetables love to listen to songs for one sole reason. They love the beet drop

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#43

What do you call clean music?

A soap opera

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#44

How do you make a bandstand?

Take away their chairs

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#45

How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?

Start with two million

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#46

What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell

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#47

Nobody liked Beethoven's hairstyle. They thought it was a very lewd wig

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#48

What’s green and sings?

Elvis Parsley

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#49

What is the musical part of a snake?

The scales

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#51

It takes a lot of guts to become an organ player

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#52

You'll generally find that most musicians tend to be optimists. They are always upbeat

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#53

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone's relieved when the case is closed

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#54

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since

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#55

Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?

He was shredding the floor

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#56

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They can’t get up that high

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#57

How do you keep your violin from being stolen?

Put it in a viola case

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#58

The programmer had a really hard time understanding the music at the party. He didn't understand the algo-rhythm

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#59

My friend, the buttermilk, is the only one of us who goes to the opera every weekend. That's because he's the only one who's cultured

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#60

Cucumbers love to play the pickle-o

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#61

Why did the music teacher get so mad at his student?

Because she committed A major error

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#62

Why did the jazz musician keep touching the colorful paintings?

He was feeling the blues

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#63

How did the turkey win the talent show?

With his drum-sticks

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#64

What do you call a musician with problems?

A trebled man

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#65

What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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#66

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar. I replied, “Is that a fret?”

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#67

I’m so sick of people thinking they can just waltz into my room when I’m listening to music in 4/4

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#68

Why did the skeleton want to join band?

He wanted a trom-bone!

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#69

Someone told Franz that there was no way someone could make a better composition than him. "Are you Schubert that?", he replied

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#70

My brother wants to become a professional opera singer. Opera singing is his aria of interest

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#71

A man had just bought himself a new outfit for his next opera performance. The clothes were in prima condition

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#72

A wind instrument accidentally hit his wife on the mouth with an organ. He didn't wish to harm Monica

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#73

Handel couldn't buy his favorite pair of trousers because he had gone Baroque

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#74

I lost all my music notes during the move. I'll have to go Bach to square one

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#75

What song do tornados like?

“The Twist"

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#76

What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA

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#77

Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?

For the lute

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#78

Musicians?

Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s

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#79

To understand the future of music, one needs to go Bach in time

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#80

Nobody was allowed to touch the professor's freshly printed notes. They were too hot to Handel

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#81

Programmers face a lot of trouble tuning synthesizers because they always run into synth-axe errors

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#82

A music composer told a rock musician that his songs were not long enough. So, the musician added a couple of extension chords

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#83

Mozart couldn't use his piano anymore because it was baroquen

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#84

Why did the pirate buy a Pavarotti album?

Because he loved the high Cs

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#85

What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?

Bach it up

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#86

Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?

He found it too derivative

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#87

Why was Mozart a child prodigy?

All his early pieces were in A sharp minor

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#88

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?

The dog knows when to stop scratching

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#89

A musician should never B flat, sometimes B sharp, and always B natural

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#90

The rabbit's favorite genre of music is hip hop

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#91

Cats love to listen to mewsic during their free time

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Arana
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Cats love to listen to mewsic during their furry* time

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#92

I could hear the sound of classical music coming from my office. I think the printer is jamming again

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Scott
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I named my printer Bob Marley because it always be jammin'.

#93

When the lead singer messed up his notes for the tenth time in a row, the music director told him that he was in a lot of treble

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#94

My best friend wrote a great rap about tortillas

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#95

An opera that features a bar of soap is called a soap opera

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#96

I couldn't make my pirate friend listen to my music playlist. He only listens to Rock n Row

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#97

Giuseppe Verdi's preferred mode of transportation was always la travelator

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#98

Beethoven was really upset because someone had stolen his favorite jacket. It was made of fur Elise

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#99

Which elf was the best singer?

A. ELFis Presley

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#100

What makes music on your head?

A headband

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#101

What do you call an elf that sings?

A wrapper

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#102

What’s an avocado’s favorite music?

Guac ‘n’ roll

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#103

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

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#104

How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nobody knows because noone ever watches the conductor!

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#105

What’s a composer’s favorite game to play?

Haydn go seek

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#107

Guitars love to chow down on string cheese

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#108

Mozart's favorite food is pizza because it has a lot of Mozart-ella

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#109

Why did the waitress bring a group of musicians to the whale with the milkshake?

Because he asked for an orca-straw

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#110

Why aren't orchestras considered minimalist?

Too many bells and whistles

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#111

What makes songs, but never sings?

Notes

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#112

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

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#113

Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?

Never mind, it’s too short

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#114

Why couldn't the string quartet find their composer?

He was Haydn

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#115

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar. I replied, "Is that a fret?"

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#116

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?

To get away from the noise

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#117

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?

Because he was Baroque

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#118

What’s brown and sitting on a piano bench?

Beethoven’s last movement

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#119

How do you make a bandstand?

Take away their chairs

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#120

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?

Because she broke the record

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#121

The plumber lady is obsessed with her husband, who's an opera player. All she talks about are his beautiful pipes

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#122

A woman was really sad because the opera had banned her from singing, due to her negligent behavior. She really felt like she was in her prima

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#123

A man was having a really hard time remembering a famous rock and roll song. He was experiencing a mental rock

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#124

Everyone found the new string instrument really annoying. He couldn't stop harping on the benefits of practicing every day

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#125

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?

Too much sax and violins

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#126

Why was the math book depressed?

Because it had so many problems

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#127

The rock musician placed his guitar in the fridge because he wanted to only play cool music

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#128

Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?

For the lute

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