Some people have wildly different understandings of masculinity and what it means to be a “real” man. These attitudes can put a lot of pressure on folks to fit certain stereotypes out of fear that they’ll be left out. When, in reality, “real” men do whatever it is that men do, from growing flowers to crying.

After going on a slightly bizarre date, internet user u/Bikini_baby767 sparked a candid and important discussion on r/AskMen. The members of this popular online group opened up about the times that they’ve been called out for not being “real men” while doing completely ordinary things. Scroll down to see what they’ve experienced.

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#1

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 29 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I like flowers. I grow flowers around my property and sometimes post pictures on Facebook.

Very often I get called gay for doing that. I don’t give a s**t.

BackItUpWithLinks , Tima Miroshnichenko Report

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#2

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 29 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Because I'm not into cars. I think some look nice and some look bad, but I don't care what engine they have. I don't care how fast they can get to 80mph (there's no highway around that even let's you go that fast). And I don't care what rims or spoiler is on them. They're just methods of transportation to me, but that apparently makes me an undesirable non man.

TehPharaoh , Tobi Report

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#3

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 29 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Ordering a hot cocoa instead of beer.

I love flowers.

And I love to cuddle.

OldPyjama , Chester Toh Report

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Toxic masculinity is a narrow group of characteristics that have been traditionally associated with what it means to be a “real man.” Often, these attitudes are damaging not only to the individual’s mental, emotional, and physical health, but they also have a negative impact on the people around them.

To put it bluntly, toxic masculinity is when men are pressured to be aggressive, competitive, selfish, and violent. They’re expected to dominate, take risks, and be promiscuous. They’re also expected to hide “feminine” qualities such as being emotionally vulnerable, asking for help, or showing their true feelings.

#4

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 29 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women A woman came to my house and criticised how neat and clean it was. Apparently, men don't live like that. Turns out her house was an absolute pig sty.

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#5

Girl in high school told me once if I didn’t drink or smoke I wasn’t a real man. A teacher she liked (they were both Vietnamese and he had been helping her with adjusting to Canada) intervened and said that taking care of your health is what a real man would do….

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#6

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 29 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women For crying AT A FUNERAL. A lifelong friend of mine lost his sister tragically, and as my friend and I knew each other for almost twenty years, she was like a sister of my own. I was devastated at the service.

Dolorous-Edd15 , cottonbro studio Report

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Vulnerability can be a powerful way for you to connect to the people around you. Human beings respect each other more when they’re authentic and honest, instead of trying to put up some sort of front.

The irony is that by being open about our weaknesses and embracing our flaws, we actually end up becoming emotionally stronger and more accepted. If, on the other hand, we try to hide our insecurities, we can come off as untrustworthy or “fake.” Alas, even in this day and age, many men are still expected to “just deal with it” on their own if they’re struggling with anything.
#7

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 29 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Wearing pink. Imagine being so insecure about a colour.

gin-o-cide , Anna Shvets Report

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#8

If you don't do what a woman wants you to, she will try to shame you into it by attacking your masculinity. It's selfish, unkind and childishly, transparently manipulative. Stupid, selfish, childish women are not worth keeping in your life.

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#9

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 29 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Owning a cat.

BourbonGuy09 , Yuliya kota Report

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It’s hard to build any real connection—or even foster a brotherhood of sorts—if everyone’s constantly avoiding talking about the truth out of fear of “damaging” their reputation or being ostracized.

If you’re struggling with your mental health issues, the rational thing to do would be to ask for help and support. That way, you instantly jump to solving the problem. And that’s much more efficient than suffering alone while putting up a facade of nonchalance. Similarly, if your health is suffering, the logical thing to do is to immediately see your doctor. If you try to ignore the issue or pretend that it’ll all go away on its own, you’re only harming yourself more.
#10

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 29 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I wore an apron while cooking.

Bikini_baby767 , cottonbro studio Report

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#11

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 29 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I can think of two weird things: for wearing a seat belt while driving and for using an umbrella to stay dry. Not the same woman, and the examples happened years apart.

addeegee , Craig Whitehead Report

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#12

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 29 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I rejected her sexual advances. Made me "girly"


I asked another how she felt. That wasn't very manly either, apparently.

Emotional_Load9735 , Monstera Production Report

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Moving away from a culture of toxic masculinity toward healthy masculinity is a long process. It takes years of education to get people to accept the importance of things like vulnerability, emotional intelligence, and embracing who we are instead of fearing social backlash.

However, on an individual level, everyone can foster healthy masculinity. And it all starts with self-awareness. You can try to catch yourself whenever you start judging someone based on stereotypes. Meanwhile, you can encourage your social circle to open up and feel safe around you by showing that you’re not scared of being vulnerable either. Slowly, that should build a shared environment of trust among you, your friends, and your relatives.
#13

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 29 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women My dad said I was a big fairy for wearing deodorant and not just using a bar of soap to wash my hair. Using shampoo made me a big fairy powder puff, apparently.

One of many pearls of wisdom he tried to give me.

He would s**t himself if he knew that I use moisturiser on occasion.

crimsonavenger77 , Tyler B IV Report

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#14

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 29 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Because I called an Uber instead of getting in the car with her when we were both heavily day drinking on a 3rd date. Red flags aplenty all day while bar hopping.

Expensive-Fail7581 , Viktor Avdeev Report

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#15

Not exactly a "you're not a real man" moment but close. I had a girl once explain that as a girl she gets to do whatever she wants and I need to make sure to hold down the bills and accept her decisions as the man. So I get the only restrictions in the relationship. We broke up, now I am married and welcoming my first child with a perfect woman.

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#16

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 29 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women My ex-wife: A real man makes seven figures. If you can't handle me physically hitting you, then you're not a real man.

Jiggly_Love , RDNE Stock project Report

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#17

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 29 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women I went on a first date and when we sit down the woman stares at me and gives me a look of utter disgust and asks in an equally contemptuous voice, “Um…. Do you normally wear glasses?”.

Swimming_Bag7362 , Dominika Roseclay Report

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#18

I told a girl I wanted to stay at my 5'8 and 140lb lean build given I'm a competitive marathon runner. She said a real guy would be trying to bulk up and be as big as possible.

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#19

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 29 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women Using coupons.

She fully believed that a man should not use coupons. She said it embarrassed her, and often made fun of me for it.

SecuritySky , Erik Mclean Report

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#20

Had someone tell me it's cringe as a man to live with your parents as an adult, but it's perfectly fine for women to live with their parents as an adult as long as they want.

Always been a weird one to me. Like, so I fall on hard times and my parents want to help, so I guess I'm no longer a man 🤷.

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#21

Easy - I was engaged, she had a baby. We break up, turns out baby isn't mine. Her sister ran into a friend of mine and claimed I was the father of said child. When my friend pointed out that the DNA conclusively determined that I was not the father, the ex's sister loudly proclaimed, "A real man would have stepped up and taken care of the baby anyway!" Pure insanity.

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#22

Every time I’d call out my ex for being rude to me, she’d say “be a man. A man would just take it. Instead of complaining over a little thing.” Every single day she would say the meanest things to me and she expected me to just take it cuz that’s being a man. I found it ironic cuz I thought a man WOULD defend himself against a mean person. That’s what a man would do.

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#23

Wearing flip flops with a strap between the toes, using lotion, crying at my grandpa's funeral, crying at my grandmas funeral, not wanting to have sex after a child abuse case, not wanting sex just because I wasn't in the mood, taking baths, getting a massage.......... women love telling men what's a real man.

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#24

"You need to grow a beard."

"You need to get some tattoos."

Because *real men* grow beards and get tattoos.

Funny story -- I had a buddy who was single and a female friend who was single. She liked guys with tattoos, and my buddy had many. The three of us are hanging out, but I could tell they weren't connecting. I talked to her later on and she explained that he was all right, but she didn't like all the tattoos he had. I pointed out that she liked guys with tattoos. She further explained that while this was true, he "didn't have the right kind" of tattoos. My friend had tattoos relating to comic books, and she found that to be a turn off. She even went so far to say that "real men" don't get tattoos like that.

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#25

I didn't simply give her money whenever she asked for it.

She deemed herself entitled to men's money - even if she didn't even know them.

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#26

Not making a move or trying to have sex with her while she was drunk. She called me gay and lame lol.

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#27

Using moisturizer in winter and sunscreen in the summer cuz it's not manly. Heard this from an ex and my own mother.

Also, I use hand gestures to articulate my body language as I was taught in my pulbic speaking classes, but that's gay and effeminate. Same culprits. One I was able to run away from, but the other one just makes me sad.

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#28

Ex wife told me I wasn’t a man because I “curled up” when I bundle up with a blanket on the couch.

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#29

“I Get Called Gay For Doing That”: 29 This ‘Real Men’ Would Never Do, According To Women First gf said I'm not a real man for using a shower loofah to wash myself. She would just put soap in her hands and spread it on herself.

teepring , Karolina Grabowska Report

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