“Am I Bad For Not Helping My Partner With Our Newborn?”

Becoming a parent is no joke. Your whole life is basically turned upside down the moment your child enters this world. Caring for them takes over everything and, suddenly, your universe revolves around this little human being.

Unfortunately, not everyone can allow themselves to take a break from the rest of the world when the baby comes. Many have other responsibilities and very pressing matters they have to tend to each day. Being a parent then might fade into the background, whether they like it or not.

This is what happened with one anonymous Reddit user, who shared his story online. An unexpected pregnancy disrupted his already stressful schedule. Together with his partner, they came up with the plan on how to tackle the trying times, yet it doesn’t seem like it’s working like they imagined it would. That is why he took to the AITA community to see whether they’re handling the situation correctly. Read the full story below.

Taking care of your newborn is a tough task that requires a lot of time and energy

“Am I Bad For Not Helping My Partner With Our Newborn?”

Image credits: Danik Prihodko (not the actual photo)

But what if you have neither? This new dad shared his struggles of trying to manage work and parenthood and how it’s affecting his relationship

“Am I Bad For Not Helping My Partner With Our Newborn?”

Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)

“Am I Bad For Not Helping My Partner With Our Newborn?”

Image source: throwawayres1462

This is a complicated situation where everyone is tired and needs a break

“Am I Bad For Not Helping My Partner With Our Newborn?”

Image credits: Sarah Chai (not the actual photo)

The OP’s situation is, indeed, very tricky. It’s no surprise that he is exhausted after working extremely long hours in a highly stressful environment. His job is very demanding in every way: physically, emotionally, and mentally. As it is his residency, which takes three to seven years to complete, he is also not in charge of his schedule. With all this tension at work, it’s not surprising that when he gets home, he just wants to relax and recoup in preparation for his next shift.

When you’re a stay-at-home mom, though, your shift is never ending. You’re always on-call no matter what, and there’s very little guidance along the way. It’s easy to start feeling lonely or helpless when dealing with a newborn and the household on your own. On top of it all, mothers often have heightened sensitivity as their hormones are coming into balance after pregnancy.

Overall, it seems like they are both at capacity with their respective responsibilities. They both are sleep-deprived and stressed, and, like many commentators pointed out, they need outside help. Whether it’s someone cleaning the house, cooking the food, or looking after the baby, taking a break from the routine can do wonders. It also seems like the couple would benefit from more one-on-one time. If the mother has to brace all the parenting on her own, she would benefit from having her partner show support and love for what she’s doing.

This is not an isolated issue for resident surgeons

“Am I Bad For Not Helping My Partner With Our Newborn?”

Image credits: Jonathan Borba (not the actual photo)

The OP is not the only one facing the issue of managing his surgical residency while planning a family. Many medical students start surgical residency in their late 20s or early 30s—the peak time for parenthood. A lot of them are faced with the choice of either postponing family planning until they are done with studies or enduring the tough-to-manage schedule.

A study published in 2019 analyzed the attitudes surgical residents have about having children during their training. Many expressed significant worries about “vigorous training/lack of time” as well as the lack of support parents get from peers and faculty members. And while almost 30% of the respondents had children, only 3% of them all knew about the rules regarding parental leave during residency.

The overall situation is even worse for women residents. They not only have to figure out how to manage their work-life balance, but also consider the postpartum time and breastfeeding. A lot of them also don’t have people to look up to that have had children while in residency. This, together with worries about fertility, makes this an especially stressful time for soon-to-be women surgeons.

Resident surgeons need more support so they wouldn’t need to choose between family and career

“Am I Bad For Not Helping My Partner With Our Newborn?”

Image credits: Nenad Stojkovic (not the actual photo)

The study concluded that to ease everyone’s worries, there should be clear, universal rules regarding parental leave during residency. Medical professionals that commented on the study for Reuters, also emphasized the need for childcare resources, adequate lactation space, and breaks to pump if breastfeeding. “Our surgical workforce is facing increasing shortages, and some of the challenges with recruiting students are related to lifestyle concerns and the perception that our specialty is not compatible with family.”

The OP is certainly one of those who would benefit from having more support at work regarding his familial situation. For now, we hope that they’re finding enough inner strength and outside help to carry on together.