How is this a problem now - after they’re married and started to live together? They should’ve sorted it out, gotten to know each other’s kids, build relationships, etc way before that.

YTA because you put your own child in this position and are now giving her an ultimatum because you don't want your husband to divorce you. Because up until then your daughter not knowing sign wasn't an issue for you .Your daughter is TA for taking the job to care for the kid to earn extra money. Both parents are TA for allowing the daughter to babysit for the kid knowing she couldn't communicate with the kid. Your husband is TA for marrying you before making sure everyone in the household was willing to learn how to communicate with his deaf child. Poor kid!

NAH. Bio-daughter's comment that she thought her mom should have stayed faithful to her father, who died when she was 3, indicates to me that there's some deeper trauma happening. Bio-daughter needs some therapy, possibly family therapy with mom. I don't think new husband is wrong that it could be really bad for step-daughter's mental health to be living with someone who despises her so much that she refuses to learn to communicate with her. Also, don't have bio-daughter babysit step-daughter anymore if she won't communicate with her.

1) Most Deaf and HoH don't consider ourselves as disabled; take that however you want. 2) When your daughter is home, don't use shown language, only Sign. This might make her feel like SD... everyone else is able to communicate except your daughter. It's a lonely place to be when you can't fully understand what everyone around you is "talking" about. 3) Whenever you do speak (verbal), Sign along with it. Repeated exposure will make it stick, whether she wants to learn it or not. 4) ESH except SD. The three of you need to sit down and have a productive conversation. And based on what I've read, maybe hire a therapist to act as a mediator for using constructive statements.

If you think it's acceptable to issue ultimatums to people you claim to love, you've got bigger issues than just this one.

OP was decently fair in most aspect (offering alternatives etc) but trying to force a relationship when there is 0 interest is nonsense. Daughter clearly is incapable to be a babysitter since she can't communicate with sittee - she shouldn't be babysitter. Simple as that.

I feel she rushed the relationship and the daughter probably is resentful on that on top of everything else. There’s more to this story. I think family therapy is in order so everyone can hash out their issues and come to some sort of compromise where everyone is happy.

While I’m in NO WAY condoning the 17 year old’s attitude… let’s just look at this from her perspective: “So, wait a minute… you’ll pay for me to live on campus, closer to my classes (saving me time), where I get to do what I want (be independent), and I no longer have to live with people I’m barely tolerating, AND I don’t have to learn ASL (which I’ve said I don’t want to learn)? Yes, please!” … Truly, this is a bigger issue. They need family counseling. IMO, saying her daughter expects her to remain faithful to someone who died when she was 3 isn’t the real issue. I don’t remember much from being 3. I think it’s more likely the OP has now divided her attention between her daughter, step-daughter, and new husband… and there’s built-up resentment there. Family counseling should be the only option at this point.

Honestly I just think the daughter is being overly cold towards people who as far as we're aware haven't done anything wrong and is potentially endangering a young child by refusing to learn how to communicate with her yet wanting to look after her but kicking her out may be a lot. Don't let her look after the child although it may hurt the child that a person she lives with hates her for nothing. Kids will notice. It will hurt. Idk what y'all should do but think this through stg

Daughter is an ableist a$$hole but also who tf taught her to beehave so f$%*ing shamefully? I can't imagine what taught her that kind of thing was ok to do. I can't imagine how f$%^ed up and traumatised that Deaf lil sis is. But who taught her to behave that way? She's almost 18 and this much of an a$$hole? What was her mother teaching her all this time? Sounds like mom isn't giving all the details. Regardless, that little kid doesn't deserve such abuse--because neglect is abuse, and that little kid doesn't HAVE a choice in this matter. I'm siding with the husband. Throw the whole woman and her awful daughter away. Nobody should grow up seeing stepmom and dad ALLOW someone to act so incredibly cruel for no f$%&ing reason other than 'weh wehhh my mom should have stayed sad and single forever after my dad died'. sounds like mother and daughter have some ISSUES that just never got solved. Get out of there husband! You and your daughter deserve better than this BULL$*%T!!!

Can you imagine saying to your 17 y/o daughter, "You're responsible for holding my marriage together and you have to go out of your way for people you don't like, that you never had a say in living with, or you can gtfo." Any mother that chooses a man over their own child should never have had kids in the first place. I hope the daughter bails as soon as she can. Any guy who gave me that ultimatum would be out on his a$$ so fast he'd think he got magicked there.

I think you all need to go to some family counseling, together and separate. Your family is about to explode with everyone going their own way, with hurt feelings and anger engulfing each of you. Please try it before things get any worse. If nothing else, go to counseling yourself to get some ideas how to possibly work through some of the issues in more positive ways.

I think op raised an inconsiderate brat, and now she's paying for it. She's making excuses for her, then wondering why her daughters a b****. When ur a parent, u make the rules. Kids don't have to like them, just abide by them.

Not enough information. How long did the date before getting married and moving in? Why is this suddenly an issue. Husband seems like an issue. Threatening divorce? He suddenly is worried about the environment for his daughter? Essentially is displacing the eldest. Something more is up with this.Who owns the house? Etc.

Whatever about the daughter not liking the husband what is her problem with a child? Really what is her problem. She's a self serving, narcissistic entitled brat. She want the extra money but didn't want to have to "deal" with the child. Just what kind of person is she? She wanted her mother to remain faithful to her 14yrs dead father! Shameful behaviour. I see the husband's point of view, who would believe a 17yr would treat a little child this way.

I may be in the minority, but I vote NTA. You were wise to back off, since your daughter clearly has no interest in getting to know her step-family. However, skipping out on birthdays and barely conversing with them is blatantly rude. Your daughter's behavior is more inclined to that of a seven-year-old, one who is accustomed to being the only child. She refuses to share her space with anyone else, even a disabled child. She needs to grow up. NOW. As far as babysitting goes, hire a sitter fluent in ASL, and tell your daughter that her services are no longer required. Then pay for her dorm room at college. If she protests, shut it down immediately. Tell her that she can't have it both ways; her coldness towards her step-family has reached its limit with you, and will no longer be tolerated. You are not choosing another family over her, nor are you forcing her to like them. You're just asking her to be civil.

NTA. If she wants to continue to earn money babysitting, then she MUST learn at least the basics. In case of an emergency, she needs to be able to talk to and understand her stepsister. If she chooses not to learn, then she must make money some other way. It's been you and her for as long as she can remember. Now she has these people changing the status quo at a pretty hard time for any teen. Family therapy for ALL 4 OF YOU can help. Make your daughter go to at least find a way she can come to terms with the changes, either with the family or alone. Your stepdaughter is the one who will be hurt the most unless things change. She's old enough to realize stepsister doesn't like her and she has no idea why. Hubby has to watch out for her, but divorce should be his last resort

As someone who lost a parent, I think Daughter is holding on to a lot of resentment, anger and unrealistic expectations for the whole situation. Expecting her Mom to be loyal to a man who passed away 14 years ago shows an immaturity in understanding her feelings. Counseling is in order for that as well as the obvious resentment she feels towards the steps. I think these are all interconnected. Daughter is the AH for punishing a 7 year old for her own feelings of resentment. Yes, Mom should have made sure dtr was OK with new marriage and ss, but really, the girl is turning 18, going off to college and leaving home. Did she expect her Mom to sit on the sofa, just awaiting her magnificent return? Dtr is immature, doesn't know how to handle her feelings and is making a 7 Y/O miserable. I wonder how she'll feel after a couple of counseling sessions?

I do not like it when anyone is mean to a child. I think the daughter is rude and that the mom is parenting out of guilt. The stepdad should be more concerned about how his daughter is being treated by this rude almost adult. I remember when my husbands son ( then 11 ) said he will not come to visit unless My son (then 3) and I are at home. My husband told him, he will be missed. He missed one weekend only.

The teenage daughter thought her mom should have remained "faithful" to her father who died when she was three? Good grief this girl is ridiculous.

NTA. The mom's even paying for the dorm if she chooses to move out. It's not unreasonable to ask her to learn basic ASL for the sake of a child's mental health who is a permanent part of the household

ASL is the only American language. We should all be fluent in it. I say this as an ASL interpreter who does not care if my job becomes obsolete.

NTA, in fact, I think you’re being very reasonable. Besides the fact your daughter should be willing to make an effort to communicate with everybody in the household, you’re right about demanding any caregiver to learn to communicate properly with the one she’s sitting. So, if she sits for SD as a “job”, she should make the extra effort with ASL

I think op should see recordings of the babysitting if they have any or get something to record with to see what the daughter may be saying to the step daughter.