Hosting family dinners is a lot of work. From planning the menu and shopping for ingredients to preparing the meals and cleaning the house, each step requires time and effort.

This is why Reddit user BonusSpecialist1607 and her relatives rotate the responsibility for every occasion. However, her middle daughter Clara has repeatedly backed out of her turn, often citing reasons that are pretty difficult to verify.

While other family members have had to pick up the slack, Clara recently promised she’d host Thanksgiving—only to cancel yet again. Frustrated, the mom turned to the subreddit “Am I the [Jerk]?” asking members to help her make sense of the situation. Here’s what she wrote.

Thanksgiving is meant to bring families together, yet sometimes drama tears them apart

Image credits: drazenphoto (not the actual photo)

One such situation threatens to break this family apart as the question of ‘hosting’ hangs in the balance

Image credits: megostudio (not the actual photo)

Image credits: BonusSpecialist1607

Family get-togethers are difficult by design

Sometimes it might seem like you and your relatives are going after each other’s throats whenever all of you meet, but there is a lot of “unresolved pain” that originates in families and then is reactivated during these rare moments when everyone is together, says Vienna Pharaon, a family therapist and author of the book The Origins of You: How Breaking Family Patterns Can Liberate the Way We Live and Love.

“Families are these unique relationships that, despite the passing of pain, there is still the expectation that the relationships continue to be maintained,” Pharaon explains.

“So people dance around everything that’s unresolved over and over again, often trying to put on a happy or cordial face, until the pain finds a way to rear its head, which it will.”

Families also have the ability to undermine the changes we make to our lives or any growth we achieve.

“No matter how much you work on things in therapy, or how much healing or growth you’ve had during the year, family just has a way of getting to the pain point and pressing it,” Pharaon adds.

You might feel like the person you’ve become, the person you are around your friends during your day-to-day life, isn’t being acknowledged or accepted by your own kin. That is why, according to Pharaon, when the holidays roll around, we need to prepare ourselves for who we know our family is, not who we hope they will be.

“Take care of yourself first,” Pharaonadvises. “Don’t worry too much about managing the emotional experience of others. I know, easier said than done when it’s a role you’ve taken on your entire life, but do your best to tune into yourself and care for you in the best way you can.”

There are only so many second chances you can give someone. Afterward, it’s up to them to show that they value the relationship and respect the commitments.

Image credits: Kelsey Chance (not the actual photo)

The author offered a little bit more info on her own situation in the comments

Some people believe the mother to not be a jerk for her decision 

Others very much disagreed, calling her a profound jerk

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