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“Am I A Jerk For Uninviting My Daughter To Thanksgiving Since She Won’t Host It?”
Hosting family dinners is a lot of work. From planning the menu and shopping for ingredients to preparing the meals and cleaning the house, each step requires time and effort.
This is why Reddit user BonusSpecialist1607 and her relatives rotate the responsibility for every occasion. However, her middle daughter Clara has repeatedly backed out of her turn, often citing reasons that are pretty difficult to verify.
While other family members have had to pick up the slack, Clara recently promised she’d host Thanksgiving—only to cancel yet again. Frustrated, the mom turned to the subreddit “Am I the [Jerk]?” asking members to help her make sense of the situation. Here’s what she wrote.
RELATED:
Thanksgiving is meant to bring families together, yet sometimes drama tears them apart
Image credits: drazenphoto (not the actual photo)
One such situation threatens to break this family apart as the question of ‘hosting’ hangs in the balance
Image credits: megostudio (not the actual photo)
Image credits: BonusSpecialist1607
Family get-togethers are difficult by design
Sometimes it might seem like you and your relatives are going after each other’s throats whenever all of you meet, but there is a lot of “unresolved pain” that originates in families and then is reactivated during these rare moments when everyone is together, says Vienna Pharaon, a family therapist and author of the book The Origins of You: How Breaking Family Patterns Can Liberate the Way We Live and Love.
“Families are these unique relationships that, despite the passing of pain, there is still the expectation that the relationships continue to be maintained,” Pharaon explains.
“So people dance around everything that’s unresolved over and over again, often trying to put on a happy or cordial face, until the pain finds a way to rear its head, which it will.”
Families also have the ability to undermine the changes we make to our lives or any growth we achieve.
“No matter how much you work on things in therapy, or how much healing or growth you’ve had during the year, family just has a way of getting to the pain point and pressing it,” Pharaon adds.
You might feel like the person you’ve become, the person you are around your friends during your day-to-day life, isn’t being acknowledged or accepted by your own kin. That is why, according to Pharaon, when the holidays roll around, we need to prepare ourselves for who we know our family is, not who we hope they will be.
“Take care of yourself first,” Pharaonadvises. “Don’t worry too much about managing the emotional experience of others. I know, easier said than done when it’s a role you’ve taken on your entire life, but do your best to tune into yourself and care for you in the best way you can.”
There are only so many second chances you can give someone. Afterward, it’s up to them to show that they value the relationship and respect the commitments.
Image credits: Kelsey Chance (not the actual photo)
The author offered a little bit more info on her own situation in the comments
Some people believe the mother to not be a jerk for her decision
Others very much disagreed, calling her a profound jerk
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What do you think ?
Susie Elle 1 month ago (edited)
If you were to expect me to host a holiday, I'd consider it a punishment for something. I loathe to host. More than happy to contribute, but I hate hosting, and if my family were to unanimously decide that holidays are now going to be rotational responsibilities, I'd be very unhappy with it as well. Just because you think something is fun or tradition, doesn't mean someone else also thinks this or should automatically enjoy it too. That said, it's up to Clara to be clear about this, and to find a compromise.
tori Ohno 1 month ago
Thank you! You said it all perfectly. It's such a chore, expensive, messy, I HATE cooking, etc etc. If she wants to completely disown her child because of this, then she doesn't deserve that child. If I were the daughter, I'd have a small Thanksgiving dinner catered for me and my SO every year, along with every other holiday if this is the way her mom is.
Load More Replies...
kath morgan 1 month ago
Idk man, maybe revisit the whole system if it’s not working for everyone? Being REQUIRED to host a party in my home or not be part of the family any more would be a nightmare situation for me.
Bylee Victoriqua Malox 1 month ago
But it's not everyone, just one person. If she didn't want to host at her house she could make it a picnic at her nearest park. Why must everyone change an entire tradition because one person is unwilling to try? I'm an introvert and hate family events with a passion but I'll put on my big girl breaches, rock up, smile and then disappear for 4 months until the next one. My family knows I hate these things so they don't invite me w***y nilly because I'm honest about how emotionally draining it is, they don't like it but they accept it, what I don't do is pretend I'm extroverted, then not pitch.
Load More Replies...
Traveling Lady Railfan 1 month ago
It's not fair to all the other family members who have agreed to a rotating hosting of family events if one person constantly skips out and makes lame excuses (then everyone else has to scramble to last minute host) that's definitely true. Regardless of the reason that's definitely true. But forcing someone who obviously doesn't want to host an event, to host an event, and uninviting them from family functions until they do, you're not going to grow your family relationship this way. I'm sure it felt satisfying to uninvite her but that's not going to get you anywhere. There has to be a better solution but I can understand how frustrated OP (and the other siblings) would feel
Susie Elle 1 month ago (edited)
If you were to expect me to host a holiday, I'd consider it a punishment for something. I loathe to host. More than happy to contribute, but I hate hosting, and if my family were to unanimously decide that holidays are now going to be rotational responsibilities, I'd be very unhappy with it as well. Just because you think something is fun or tradition, doesn't mean someone else also thinks this or should automatically enjoy it too. That said, it's up to Clara to be clear about this, and to find a compromise.
tori Ohno 1 month ago
Thank you! You said it all perfectly. It's such a chore, expensive, messy, I HATE cooking, etc etc. If she wants to completely disown her child because of this, then she doesn't deserve that child. If I were the daughter, I'd have a small Thanksgiving dinner catered for me and my SO every year, along with every other holiday if this is the way her mom is.
Load More Replies... kath morgan 1 month ago
Idk man, maybe revisit the whole system if it’s not working for everyone? Being REQUIRED to host a party in my home or not be part of the family any more would be a nightmare situation for me.
Bylee Victoriqua Malox 1 month ago
But it's not everyone, just one person. If she didn't want to host at her house she could make it a picnic at her nearest park. Why must everyone change an entire tradition because one person is unwilling to try? I'm an introvert and hate family events with a passion but I'll put on my big girl breaches, rock up, smile and then disappear for 4 months until the next one. My family knows I hate these things so they don't invite me w***y nilly because I'm honest about how emotionally draining it is, they don't like it but they accept it, what I don't do is pretend I'm extroverted, then not pitch.
Load More Replies... Traveling Lady Railfan 1 month ago
It's not fair to all the other family members who have agreed to a rotating hosting of family events if one person constantly skips out and makes lame excuses (then everyone else has to scramble to last minute host) that's definitely true. Regardless of the reason that's definitely true. But forcing someone who obviously doesn't want to host an event, to host an event, and uninviting them from family functions until they do, you're not going to grow your family relationship this way. I'm sure it felt satisfying to uninvite her but that's not going to get you anywhere. There has to be a better solution but I can understand how frustrated OP (and the other siblings) would feel
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