Good old Oscar Wilde provided many harsh, yet eloquent ways of being rude.

"Some people bring joy wherever they go. Some whenever they go.".

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Chich

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Wilde was brilliant

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During a teenage fight with my brother, I repeated what I thought was an iconic line:
"Did you roll off the changing table as a baby?!?!"

Before he could answer, our mom replied, guilt ridden, from the other room:

"THAT ONLY HAPPENED TWICE!".

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Did he start crying n u start laughing? Damn mom, bad timing 😂

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Probably not the most brutal,but I liked it alot…I remember some comments in Reddit before where a guy said to another dude something along lines:

”I f****d your mom last night”

And dude replied with the simple:

“So you’re a disappointment to both our mothers”

I started using it since because it was a nice comeback imo….

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Bessie Braddock MP to Winston Churchill "sir, if I were married to you, I would put poison in your coffee "

Winston Churchill "Madame, if I were married to you, I would drink it".

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Churchill also got told, sir u r drunk. To which he replied, madam u r ugly, but tomorrow I will b sober

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I'm not the quickest of wit, usually I'll come up with something that would have eviscerated a person about 2 hours after the conversation had finished, but there was one shining moment where everything came together.

A group of idiot teenagers got onto the bus that I was on, being loud and abrasive, and one of them, as they were passing me, burped into my face.

Without skipping a beat, I sniffed the air and said "hmm, smells like c**k".

It was wildly stupid to do given that there were a group of them, and it could have gone really badly for me, but his friends just collapsed in laughter and he turned beet red and just sat down sulking.

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Round of applause for that quick witted comment

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I told my wife, jokingly, "You're not the dumbest b***h who ever lived but you better hope she doesn't die."

Without missing a beat, my wife said, "Don't worry, I'd remarry.".

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GPawesomeness

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Jokingly, really? Sad excuse of a man. Who knows, with her response maybe you deserve each other.

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When asked for his thoughts on the migration of New Zealanders to Australia, the then Prime Minister of New Zealand stated that the "annual exodus of Kiwis to Australia raised the average IQ of both countries".

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Danny Dale

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Hardly

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In Germany we ask politely "Did the Swings in your childhood stand too close to the wall?"

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SCamp

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Well played Germany, well played

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Absolute stuck up brat of a girl at school, to a teacher: "Do you know who my dad is?"

Teacher, without hesitating for a second: "No, does you mum?".

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Luis Hernandez Dauajare

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Immature and petty. There is a difference between putting someone in their place and an insult. A fellow teacher was faced with the same scenario, and went like this: "Do you know who my dad is?" Teacher: "Yes. The remarkable father of an unremarkable boy, who hired me to do something of him".

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Along the same lines:

"Knowledge seeks you, but you're faster"

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Isn’t it ‘Knowledge chases you …’ ? 🤔

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Used to argue with a woman at my job. She cursed like a sailor, this place had no HR department to speak of. One time we were going at it over some protocol and she got so pissed she yells "BITE ME!"

Not skipping a beat I replied, "I don't eat pork.".

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Anyone-for-tea?

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And that kids, is how I met your mother.

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There was a reddit thread about retail work awhile back where someone recounted a customer verbally abusing them. Another customer nearby chimed in

"Your adult children don't speak to you do they."

The reddit poster said they were looking at the problem customer when it happened and saw the insult land with devastating affect.

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Vasana Phong

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Sometimes you just have to hear it from a stranger for it to sink in

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“He’s so dense light bends around him!”

That’s the best way I’ve heard to call someone stupid. Delivered by Malcolm Tucker from The thick of it.

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They must be quite heavy to have light bend around them. Are they a celestial body?

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"I envy people who don't know you.".

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"Sending regrets I cannot attend your wedding. I'll be sure to catch the next one."

ETA: You seem like the type of guy who gets jealous of his girlfriend's dog.

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"You have delusions of adequacy" - commenter's mom, apparently.

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40 more IQ points and you'd be a moron.

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“Usually they throw out the placenta and keep the baby, but I see in your case they did the opposite “ - a Jamaican sheet rocker I used to work with.

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That gamer girl that told a dude getting on her "I'm gonna f**k your dad and get pregnant so I can give him a son he'll love" (paraphrasing obviously).

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Whooaaa, plot twist unexpected 😳🤣

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I came back from the barbers and said to my daughter (12 at the time).

"Daddy looks good, doesn't he?"

She barely glanced at me before saying

"You look like something I drew with my left hand.".

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ZuriLovesYou

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Children have no filter. 🤣

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My sister delivered an insult in the form of advice when I was pursuing a girl...

"You can't play hard to get if you're hard to want."

Devastating.

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"Your learning curve is a circle."

Saw it on reddit once.

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"I'm so happy you're here. Give the people at home a break" Dylan Moran to a heckler at a comedy show i was at.

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Many decades ago a comedian replied to a heckler "Hey, do I go to your job and jiggle your shovel?"

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“If you had a single thought in your mind, it would die of loneliness.”.

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I had a drunk female patient at work one night who was belligerent, treating the staff like s**t, etc. I informed her we are merely trying to help her. She screams at me "do you know who I am?! My husband has a bridge named after him!" I calmly reply, "ma'am if I were married to you, I'd jump off that bridge." This was the only time in my multi decade healthcare career that I was written up. The CEO of the entire hospital system consisting of facilities in multiple states personally called me and laughed about the whole thing...... specifically stating he's golfed with the husband and the husband hates her.

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Jane Jayne Jain Jeign Jein

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I hate that employers discipline staff for telling rude customers where to go. THIS is why society is collapsing, because A-hole people can lord it over service staff and it's the staff who worry about their jobs but it should be the customer who should worry about being banned and shamed.

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Makes me think of:

"Your family tree is a wreath."

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I've said: "if you could understand why your wife was right to leave you then she wouldn't have left you".

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Before I had braces my fifth grade teacher told me I look I could eat corn off the cob through a chain link fence.

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What kind of teacher does that?

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"You're more annoying than the toe seam of a wet tube sock." To be fair, in that moment, I deserved it.

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Tiger

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I used to work with a coworker who would shower with socks on, and send us videos of it (just his feet, not his body lol) just to drive us nuts. And it really did, there’s something so agitating about the idea of showering with socks on 🤢😂

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My buddy had a dude from work try to pick a fight with him. Dude said something like “well maybe I’ll kick your a*s” and my friend responded with “if you fight as hard as you work, I got nothing to be worried about.”.

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First time I heard "Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others," I told my mom about it and she thought it was obnoxious.

A few weeks later we went to a restaurant with my dad. It was raining so he dropped us off at the front, parked in a lot three blocks down, and raced back in the pouring rain. My dad makes good money but most of it goes towards the family, obviously. His single brother has the same job and had just bought his third sports car before heading off for a 2 week singles cruise.

As we watched my dad run towards us, my mom turned to me and said "Oscar Wilde may not have had it entirely wrong."

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Nicky

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Reminds me of the W. Somerset Maughm's "Ant and Grasshopper" short story about miserable contientous brother watching his perpetually-partying brother marry a super-weathly woman.

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I dropped a bucket of paint at one of my first jobs.

A man that worked there for years turned to me and said "Good one d**k fingers you f**k everything you touch."

It still hurts.

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DrBronxx

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I feel bad for actually laughing out loud at this one.

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20 ish years ago...A friend of mine complimented a guys shirt in the bar. The guy didn't take the compliment well, and actually got visibly upset. The guy accused my friend of being gay, which my friend coldly responded..
"Dude, i am straight, but even if I was gay, you're not good looking enough"..it was f*****g beautiful.

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I love seeing men compliment each other. It’s really sweet. (And kind of attractive honestly 😂)

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"I'll not take a lecture from a man who looks like he'd struggle to read the back of a shampoo bottle".

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Even if there's shampoo in my eyes?

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When I was in elementary school, I remember a kid calling another kid he was arguing with a "penis wrinkle."

I think about it all the time still, 30 years later.

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🤔

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I was just recently on a school trip where I was chaperoning a bunch of high schoolers and we were having a bit of a roast battle and one of them says to me, "you look like someone who bought NFTs"


F*****g brutal.

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He did in fact buy NFTs

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You are not trying to be the person Mr. Rodgers wanted you to be.

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Runs crying to the corner to hide tears of shame

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“You’re the reason abortion is legalized.”.

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Some dude was going on an on about this long winded story that he always seemed to like to tell. Someone said, "Oh my god. You should be in the Guinness Book of No One Gives a S**t!" that ended his story pretty quickly.

Also "You're the type of guy who farts, but never has the s**t to back it up!" is always a solid one.

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DrBronxx

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Not really a solid line. More of a gaseous one...

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A friend of mine said this to an attention seeking chick in college - "you're not pretty enough to be this dumb" 💀.

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I like"Everyone who ever loved you was wrong".

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I don’t know, this feels too hateful

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One day you will realise that your friends were right to leave you behind.

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Kind of blue-collar stuff but have seen white-collar people saying it in the oilfield business. There is a saying when one tries to outsmart the other. Heads up. Not classy at all.

"Don't teach your father how to f*** your mom".

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I (heavily freckled) was trading insults with a buddy (as only friendly guys will do) and he said I looked like I had stood behind a flatulent cow.

I was devistated. I nearly shed a tear. I looked him straight in the the eye and said...


"No. It was your mom.".

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I heard someone say yesterday “the people that deal with you on a daily basis are real hero’s”. I cringed for the person on the end of that one.

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Idk about most brutal but I once heard my mother call another woman a mattress backed b***h and thought it was pretty bad a*s as far as insults go.

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Old retail job, an old guy (creepy pervert) was hitting on (sexually harassing) a 22 yo co-worker of mine. Basically called her beautiful (tbf, she was a lot more than just good looking) and saying that with looks like hers she'd be better off with him. Her response:

"Thanks, but I'd rather be here than with a guy who looks like if a s*****m had a kneecap.".

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Tiger

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Ooooooooooh 🔥😂

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You are the most fun when you are silent.

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Some kid posted on r/RoastMe when I was in high school, said he was religious. Somebody commented "Jesus would deny himself three time if he knew you were one of his followers." And I have never been able to get that out of my head. It's so f****n good.

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Our music teacher in middle school had really inflated lips, like bad plastic surgery looking lips.

She was reprimanding this girl in my class for something so the girl put her forearms together in front of her mouth and started opening and closing them like a massive mouth.

I liked that teacher but I couldn't help but laugh...i still think about it. Classic.

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Onetime I took a test and got none of the answers correct. Even someone who guesses on all the answers are very likely to get at least a few right yet I got none while trying. Because of this someone said to me "your not the clown you're the entire circus".

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"Your wife must have the cleanest vagina in the state because you're the biggest douche I've ever met! ".

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Back in French class, we were tasked to figure out ways to insult one another.
The class opened with "French swear words" in order to get that out of the way, and then progressed to creative description of each other's qualities..

I got put in front of a very pretty Russian girl and told to insult her, my mind went completely blank of French Vocab, and I told her I found her "boring".

The class agreed that this was by far the most cutting insult we'd so far come up with.

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Je te trouve ennuyeux

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I was once told ‘if it wasn’t against the law we would literally kill you, which is why you should do it yourself.’ ironically ended up being on decent terms with the girls that said it, still not reaaaally what i needed to hear as a 12 year old lmao
EDIT: to clarify, these were girls in my class, yes they were 12 too. i don’t think they fully understood the weight of their words which is a big reason why we’re cool now.

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"You will never be loved", still hits hard.

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You’ve got a head like a half sucked mango.

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You make the happy meal sad.

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You could play chess alone and still lose.

You've only got 2 brain cells, and both are fighting for second place.

I feel bad for the trees that support your mouth breathing.

Ur mom gay.

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"Is your head flat at the back for, like, cultural reasons, or did even your parents not have the time to waste on you?".

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That time someone called Pete Davidson b******e eyes.

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Tiger

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B u t t h o l e eyes?

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Someone with bad teeth was laughing and some guy said "Jesus christ look at those gnashers, you could eat an apple through a letterbox".

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Heard a comment a few years back at a hooters on Halloween when a fat chick dressed as a “zombie bride” was giving a guy s**t for hitting on her slightly more attractive friend. He turns to her and ask “What are you supposed to be? A gallon of milk?” 😂.

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