NTA. Purity balls are a gross way to sexualize children or ostracize them. I was once told by a church member that a sexual assault I faced as a child meant I was impure and that I didn't have much to bring a husband. I was EIGHT. These things teach girls that sex is shameful and that is their only worth.

I'm a Baptist, and while I've heard of a Purity ball, I do NOT agree with them. We don't need MORE of the Christian Taliban trope, thank you, and this just adds to it. And at nine years old?!? Gross!!

How come boys aren't expected to be "pure"?

This purity c**p is one of the most detrimental things to a girl or womans mental health. No unsupervised time with grandma. Those ideas could scar her for life.

Yes, let's continue to make girls and women 100% responsible for gatekeepers sex. Sigh.

As someone who was dragged to religious groups for kids in my youth (no asking the parents; they just got a bunch of kids on these buses collected from the neighbourhood, drove them to a small church & expected every kid to participate & behave), this whole “purity” thing seems dodgy. That’s probably where the indoctrination begins & then the poor kids are expected to carry on or else be threatened with “excommunication” & all sorts. Even if you want your child to have a little faith, it has to be consentual on all sides & the child should know what he/she is really getting involved in. Definitely don’t agree with the MIL trying to do that without the mother’s knowledge or consent. 😐

Ok going to say it again just divorce already. Husband is Mommies little tart and does s**t behind wife's back. Relationship will not last like this and he will side with Mom. Also Church should not allow anyone to sign someone else's progeny to anything. Don't give two c**p if she is her Grandmother she is not a parent or legal guardian.

"I really liked sundays to smoke weed and play video games with my husband". Seriously?! You'd let your daughter get indoctrinated by a religion with views that you're against so you can get high?! And isn't that against the standards of your husband's upbringing? My husband is a Christian and I am atheist. I would not mind him teaching them about his religion, but I would want to be there every step of the way to know whats being put in their head and I also disagreed when he opted for a Christian school. Religion should be taught by parents and not by school or by anyone else in my opinion. Having your kid brainwashed by your MIL so you can get some down time is very selfish!

Daddy-daughter dances are cute and fun. Purity dances sound creepy. I'm religious and have never heard of them.

Ugh, definitely on the mother's side here. That whole "purity culture" nonsense is incredibly backwards and harmful. Next the grandma would probably have tried to get the kid to wear one of those promise rings or whatever the hell they're called.

So many things... I'm personally still stuck at "purity ball"... never heard of them, wish I'd never heard of them... so many questions!

Nope. NTA. I don't do anything with my grandkids without my daughter's approval, right down to the movies we watch together when they're over for a visit.

A purity ball? Seriously? a woman’s value does not have anything to do with being a virgin or pure, and respectfully, in my opinion, with being married.

One wonders if there is an equitable occasion for the young "men" of the congregation - to teach them that the young ladies are not there for their sport. Are they taught to observe the sanctity of the girls' person, and what "no" means? Or is it the good ol' boys system ... if a girl gets molested, then she must have done something wrong. At 8 ... 9 ... 10.

I was falsely accused of a sexual comment when I was 14, by another girl who was a known liar. I was kicked out of that cult by the 9 "elders" who chose to deny my side of the story, which I didn't even know about until their "inquisition". It was the major blessing in my life to be free of religion and I NEVER went back. My cruel father beat me into a coma for telling the truth. He wanted me to lie and accept punishment so he could retain his position as an elder. To this day, I absolutely will not discuss religion, politics, sexuality issues. I was that horribly, emotionally wounded.

I think this mother and her husband need to have a serious conversation about boundaries with Howe mother in law. As her daughter gets older, she will really start picking up on what the church is teaching their congregation. If she doesn’t agree with their teachings then they need to draw that line now.

Purity balls are creepy AF. They are misogynist and demeaning to girls.

We never did the purity ball thing at our church as a kid, but we did get the rose speech, where they pass around the rose and I think in this case everyone took a petal, the idea being that the rose represents your "purity" and every time you do something sexual outside of marriage is another petal or another bruise on the rose. By the end the rose wasn't exactly very rosy, which was the point. Let me tell you, that mind set completely messed up my thinking around relationships and my role in them.

Y'all all the ah. The father for keeping it a secret and acting like he got no input in his daughters life. The mil for calling you unfit and keeping it a secret. And you for not even asking her input at all. She may be a devout Baptist she may love God she may want to go to a purity ball. You don't know. N for some reason I always have to defend my opinion so here we go. I'm a 32f black Catholic my father is a Baptist preacher my mother is a Jehovah's witness my husband believes in a higher power and my gma is pentecostal (spelling idk it's the ones that dance with snakes). I have 5 kids the oldest 3 believe in higher power and the younger 2 believe in a bottle 🍼 (8m and 36 weeks pregnant). Now my point is let them choose what they want. Maybe attend a service with her.

NTA!!! If anyone wants more info on Purity Balls and why they are so freaking creepy, go listen to one of the first episodes of The Dollop Podcast where they do a whole episode on them.

The idea of purity whittles down girls into thinking that them being virgins or "pure" is the only thing that gives them value. Putting on balls and handing out purity rings essentially forces them to give up something they haven't even experienced yet and will only lead to unjust feelings of guilt later in life when they begin experiencing their sexuality.

OP messed up by not paying attention to her daughter's church activities sooner. Since she was busy smoking weed and playing video games, she didn't notice what other c**p they're indoctrinating her daughter with.

Unfortunately, and the poster seems to have come to this conclusion as well, this is just the beginning of the issues that will crop up if the child continues to attend church with her grandma. There really is no way to compromise on this. We had to say no to our in-laws on this. They are sad about it, but respect our wishes. We have always told them that our kids are free to choose now that they are old enough to explore and make an informed decision. If your faith can not stand introspection and questioning, if it must indoctrinate children from birth in order to survive, it is unhealthy. One could even call it abusive. This concept of "purity" is not about abstinence or consent. It is about brainwashing girls to deny their own autonomy as women. I wouldn't let my child be involved with anyone in this church, even outside of church activities.

NTA - If you have contact details for other parents of Sunday school children, I would suggest emailing them with your concerns re sexualisation and the long-term damage of purity culture, and suggest all of you get togeather for a "Your body belongs to you" Joy Party instead, where the kids can dress up and dance without negative messages. If no one's interested, invite other friends instead. Also, no church without parents - if you don't attend, you don't know what sort of intolerance, bigotry, self-hate and shame is being taught. I would make a point of taking the kid to a couple of services at a number of different faiths - look for Unitarian Universalist, Islamic, Jewish, Budhist and Hindu places of worship, and ask permission to attend a few times with the kid, and buy her a book of the myth/stories of each. Give her the experience of communities of other faiths, to offset the feeling that the particular brand of christianity she has any monopoly on truth, faith or community.

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I really wanted to say NTA here, I just can't and this is why. 1: The child comes from a home with an militant atheist and a casual Christian So the only strong influence is the grandmother. 2: While brainwashing is wrong, allow your child to view all perspectives is best. Mother is to hostile and angry about it, that's a red flag, same as being to religious neither is healthy. 3: Father is right, it's just an excuse to dress up, as her home life does not force her to follow through with it...it would be her choice to either do as grandmother or do as mother..which is fair. I am only against forced beliefs, the child is not forced nor does she have an entire family controlling her...she has a grandmother who leans one way, a mother who leans the other and a father Close to the middle. So has a village of opinions to choose from and her main home life is non religious so she should be allowed to go and see this for herself and make her own decisions. So sorry yta.