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Parents always talk about the “terrible twos,” when their toddlers relentlessly wreak havoc on their homes and patience levels. But let’s not forget that the teenage years can be quite tumultuous as well. That girl who was once a sweet and loving child is now pumped full of hormones and has learned how to sneak out of the house and effortlessly hurl the most offensive insults you’ve ever heard.
Many teens go through one particularly rough patch that makes parents want to rip their hair out before returning back to being kind, civilized humans. But one mom who has been dealing with years of unruly behavior from her daughter is now asking the internet for advice. Below, you’ll find the mother’s full explanation of why she no longer wants to live with her daughter, as well as conversations with Amy Morrison of Pregnant Chicken and Pamela Li of Parenting for Brain.
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This mom has been putting up with cruel behavior from her teenage daughter for years
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
Now, she’s decided that it’s time for one of them to move out of the house
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Engin Akyurt (not the actual photo)
Image credits: throwaway08182023
Later, the mom responded to several readers and shared even more details about the situation
“While some rebellion is typical during these years, the behavior detailed here goes beyond usual teenage defiance”
To learn more about the challenges parents must navigate while raising teenagers, we reached out to Amy Morrison, founder of Pregnant Chicken. Amy assured us that it’s perfectly normal for teens to go through a difficult phase. “I read a great analogy that compared the relationship between teens and their parents to getting on a rollercoaster,” she shared. “You know you’re in for a big, scary ride, so you test the safety bars to ensure they will hold. Teens often test parents to see if they will ‘hold’ when they push against them.”
Pamela Li, founder and Editor-in-Chief of Parenting for Brain, also weighed in on the topic, noting that adolescence is full of physical and emotional growth, often leading to impulsive or even reckless behavior. But this particular situation is worrying. “While some rebellion is typical during these years, the behavior detailed here goes beyond usual teenage defiance,” Pamela says. “It has escalated into targeted and ongoing cruelty, which is neither normal nor healthy.”
Amy added that parents should start to be concerned when they feel they’ve lost control of the situation. “By control, I don’t mean that you’re controlling your teen, but you are no longer in control of your home, your boundaries, etc.,” she explained.
“In this case, the behavior has reached a point where it’s impacting a family member’s mental well-being, and professional interventions haven’t brought about any improvement,” Pamela added, noting that the situation calls for urgent, decisive measures. The expert also told Bored Panda that behavioral problems are often disguised cries for help. “Though it’s an unfortunate way to seek assistance, it’s a signal nonetheless,” Pamela says. “Rather than ignoring or delegating the issue to someone else, it’s more constructive for the parent to engage with the teen and work through it together.”
Image credits: Monstera (not the actual photo)
“If you are a safe person, [teens] are going to test boundaries and push your buttons to see what happens”
“Since this change occurred three years ago, something must have triggered it, or an ongoing issue may be at play,” Pamela continued. “The parents must strive to uncover the root cause. The fact that the child’s behavior is directed solely at the mother could indicate that the reason is connected to her, or perhaps the teen feels more at ease displaying this unruly behavior towards her.”
We also asked the parenting experts if they believe boarding school is a viable option for this teen. “I think it can be a great solution – it gives both of you space to be the people you need to be,” Amy shared. “That said, I don’t think it should be used as a threat or a punishment, and it has to be viewed as a solution that improves the situation.” Pamela also worries that simply sending the daughter away may only change the problem, or even exacerbate it, rather than resolve it.
“If therapy hasn’t successfully pinpointed the problem, it may be time to consult a different therapist,” Pamela added. “People connect differently. Find another professional to help the daughter and the parent resolve. Don’t settle for a therapist who cannot help. Continue exploring options until the right fit is found. Don’t abandon the child.”
Amy also recommends that the parents set boundaries, and refrain from taking their daughter’s actions personally. “Teens are still kids, and it’s easy to forget that,” the parenting expert says. “If you are a safe person, they are going to test boundaries and push your buttons to see what happens. Be consistent, firm and fair. Take a moment to really examine if something really matters – if they don’t want to wear a coat, do you really need to die on that hill or can you let it go?”
Image credits: Keira Burton (not the actual photo)
“If the goal is to foster kindness in the child, demonstrate kindness towards them”
Pamela suggests that the parents avoid using punishments as well. “If the goal is to foster kindness in the child, demonstrate kindness towards them,” she says. “Should they overstep boundaries or speak cruelly, calmly point out the behavior and then disengage from the conversation or remove them from the situation.”
“The mental well-being of the parent is equally vital. If she continues to feel distressed, it indicates that her current therapist does not provide the support needed, and exploring other therapeutic options might be necessary,” Pamela continued. “It’s undoubtedly painful to endure cruel words meant to hurt, but try to view them as a desperate plea for help. Something is amiss, and the child needs assistance. Don’t give up on her. Continue seeking the right therapists or psychologists who can provide the right support to heal.”
Amy also wants to remind parents how difficult being a teenager can be. “You want to be independent from your parents, but it’s almost impossible to do both financially and physically, and your hormones are raging on top of it,” she explained. “Give them as much space as you can, but be clear and consistent with the boundaries you set.”
We would love to hear your thoughts on this post in the comments below, pandas. Did you go through a similar experience when your kids were teens? Or were you more like the daughter when you were in your adolescence? Feel free to share, and then if you’re interested, check out this Bored Panda article discussing what teens should understand about the real world next!
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
Many readers shared messages of support and advice for the concerned mother
What do you think ?
arthbach 2 years ago
Spin this around. Take the words and actions of the teenager, and give them to the mother. Every single person would be screaming 'ABUSE' and rightly so. At 14 years of age, this teenager knows the difference between 'It's just a joke', and the c**p she is pulling. She is abusing her mother, and her mother needs to be protected from her.
MandalayBay328 2 years ago (edited)
That happened to us….my sister treated our mom worse than I did. She mouthed off to mom one morning so mom smacked her leg with an old spoon. The head of the spoon broke off and caught her in the face giving her a tiny bruise on her face. A teacher overheard the conversation and called DYFS. They showed up at our house….my mom had my sister’s bag packed. She told the DYFS lady, “You wanna investigate child abuse, screw that! This is PARENTAL abuse! Im not living with this monster anymore, shes all yours! Here’s al her c**p - she’s in her room, down the hall on the left!” The DYFS lady talked to my sister for an hour and left - never to be heard from again. To this day (30 years later) my sister still refuses to say what they talked about - claims she “doesnt remember”…….yeah right! Whatever that lady said caused her to do a complete 180 in a week’s time!
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David Andrews 2 years ago
Sounds like she is acting this way because she has learned there are zero consequences, and it gives her power. When the poster loses her temper with her, she is the one apologizing, she takes away the phone as punishment, but just giver her an older model to use instead, she grounds her then gives in because she doesn't want her to miss out on a social life. The kid clearly has issues, but with no boundaries or consequence , why would she change her behaviour
Dina Anastasakos 2 years ago
Agreed. They act like its their fault if the girl misses out on a social life, when in fact its the girls own fault by her behaviour. The parents are WAY to soft on her, worrying about hurting her feelings. They need to come down HARD every single time she makes a comment like that
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YetAnotherSarah 2 years ago
"Yelled at her a few times" psh. Shut that shït down! When you have a dog who wants to go after another dog when you're on a walk, you don't wait until he starts going nuts trying to get there. Your dog isn't allowed to *look* at the other dog. The behavior correction starts at the *beginning*. Likewise, the moment this teenager opens her mouth to be rude, *everybody else* gets up and walks tf out of the room. Every time. Full rejection. "Your attitude is toxic, and I don't want any of it to get on me. Your words are cruel, and I will not stand for you to talk to someone I love in that manner. Your behavior is vile, and I will not give you the opportunity to infringe it upon myself and others." What she's learned so far is that she can be a jerk 25 times and the cost is being yelled at once.
Gardener of Weeden 2 years ago
Sorry mom, Your worrying about hurting her feelings has encouraged this behavior. SHE wants YOU gone. If you move out she wins. Be the ADULT put your foot down, she is acting like a AZZ and there are no real excuses. Your punishments are not effective ( she has learned to hold out for a bit and you will cave). Ship he off, inform her that her behavior is not going to be tolerated and until she learns respect - she is not welcome in the FAMILY home. When she is in the house - she is to be in HER room ONLY - no interaction with anyone. And I also think your "shrink" is a failure. Sorry hugging a child while they gleefully stab you in the back is NOT healthy.
Apps 2 years ago (edited)
I had some issues with my stepdaughter when she was in her teens. It didn't matter what approach I used. Eventually, I started staying late at work, the gym, stores. I wasn't afraid of her, just tired of the situation. After about a week of not coming home that much, my husband told his daughter to get tf out! I had no idea he would do that, and let me tell you, she was shocked too. Her brother backed his father when my stepdaughter's mother protested about the change in living arrangements. Stepdaughter was eventually diagnosed with ODD and adhd (inattentive). ODD is a nightmare but I digress. I think OP should let her husband take over the situation. There is some sort of invented competition with the dad going on here. He's got to reject the attempted hijack of the mother's position in the family. Sometimes, you've got to be cruel to be kind. If you're still in doubt, watch a nature show or two. If mom is having trouble, the threat of being eaten by dad works.
I’mSoEmotional 2 years ago
I found out that my stepdaughter once told my husband to choose between me and her. As many fights as we had I would never have asked my husband that, but then again I was the adult. He explained to her that she would always be his daughter but it was unfair of her to ask him to get rid of his wife while she continued on with her life and was allowed to have a love life of her own, but not him. I guess it struck home with her because she never asked him again. She doesn’t know the real reason her parents divorced was her mother having an affair with her husband’s best friend. She still thinks it was his relationship with me and we met a year after they divorced.
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Sue Bradley 2 years ago
I have been in this situation. Whilst a different therapist might help, this is a version of what I did. Set up a meeting with you, hubby & daughter. Explain that the behaviour is not acceptable and will not be tolerated going forward. She has 2 choices, to modify her behaviour (have a basic list ready) or to go to boarding school. Emphasise that you love her, however the family home is for everyone to be safe and happy, and that is not how it's is. If she agrees to stay she has to sign the paper. If not then it's school. She has to make the decision. Best of luck X
Luna W. 2 years ago
Having read through this post and all included comments I feel like everything has been said. A good friend of mine is a therapist who specialized in counseling teenagers and their parents. From conversations with him I learned that our brain isn't fully developed until we're 25. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s rational part. This is the part of the brain that responds to situations with good judgment and an awareness of long-term consequences. Teens process information with the amygdala, which is the emotional part. HOWEVER...in this particular case I really feel for the mom and the family. I think there are 2 options: they either change the daughter's psychiatrist to have her re-evaluated to check if medication could be beneficial for her, or they send her to boarding school...
Skimommy 2 years ago
As a parent, I'd clap back at her, hard. She cuts my ponytail, I cut hers. She makes a crappy comment, I come back with a crappier comment. No apology. "Dad is going to leave you". "Oh yeah? What for you? You think he wants an incestuous relationship with a fat 14 year old? He sure as F wouldn't find another woman that would put up with you." Keep it up, brat, I got a million of them. Rotten milk in my moisturizer? I'd pour it on her face. The kid is doing it because you let her. She hates you because you're weak. My kid was mouthing off one day and my husband heard it and lost his mind, came in and explained everything I do for her and how he wouldn't, full volume. Lot less of that happened after. United front with a vengeance.
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Aboredpanda 2 years ago
OP should watch some episodes of supernanny, where there are a bit older kids. It seems like they're afraid of being firm and giving consequences in the face of this behavior. Like go to your room, immediately and every single time, if you can't behave in a socially acceptable way. And if she doesn't respect mum then dad needs to enforce it, and refuse to engage with the daughter following such incidents.
PolymathNecromancer 2 years ago (edited)
Not tryina be a smartasss but your post reminded me of Eric Cartman being straightened out by Cesar Millan !
Load More Replies...
The Starsong Princess 2 years ago
Get another therapist, the one you have is useless. Right now, your daughter is the dominant figure in the household and everyone tiptoes around her, trying to “model good behavior”. She’s no different from a tantruming toddler who isn’t being properly parented. You are the mother and you need to be in charge. Find a therapist who supports you in this.
r ceasar 2 years ago (edited)
I think the missing piece from what is shared, the daughter does not fear her mother. She bullies her because she can. Sometimes the passivity can grind on a person's nerve and push the boundaries until they go too far with the victim. Even the tone of the moms post was passive. Her daughter probably wants her to push back but doesn't have the emotional intelligence to say why and what. I was a mouthy teen and I went to extremes depending on the parents. I judged my mom because she was fat and I thought she lacked self discipline so I treated her a certain way. None of it was right and I LOVE my parents like nothing else in this world today at almost 50. But as a teen I pushed buttons because guess what I could until I poked the bear 1 time too many. My butt learned that day for sure. This is a mom/daughter problem. The dad needs to support mom BUT mom needs to buck up. Leaving the house again shows that the daughter wins that should not be the message.
Load More Replies... arthbach 2 years ago
Spin this around. Take the words and actions of the teenager, and give them to the mother. Every single person would be screaming 'ABUSE' and rightly so. At 14 years of age, this teenager knows the difference between 'It's just a joke', and the c**p she is pulling. She is abusing her mother, and her mother needs to be protected from her.
MandalayBay328 2 years ago (edited)
That happened to us….my sister treated our mom worse than I did. She mouthed off to mom one morning so mom smacked her leg with an old spoon. The head of the spoon broke off and caught her in the face giving her a tiny bruise on her face. A teacher overheard the conversation and called DYFS. They showed up at our house….my mom had my sister’s bag packed. She told the DYFS lady, “You wanna investigate child abuse, screw that! This is PARENTAL abuse! Im not living with this monster anymore, shes all yours! Here’s al her c**p - she’s in her room, down the hall on the left!” The DYFS lady talked to my sister for an hour and left - never to be heard from again. To this day (30 years later) my sister still refuses to say what they talked about - claims she “doesnt remember”…….yeah right! Whatever that lady said caused her to do a complete 180 in a week’s time!
Load More Replies... David Andrews 2 years ago
Sounds like she is acting this way because she has learned there are zero consequences, and it gives her power. When the poster loses her temper with her, she is the one apologizing, she takes away the phone as punishment, but just giver her an older model to use instead, she grounds her then gives in because she doesn't want her to miss out on a social life. The kid clearly has issues, but with no boundaries or consequence , why would she change her behaviour
Dina Anastasakos 2 years ago
Agreed. They act like its their fault if the girl misses out on a social life, when in fact its the girls own fault by her behaviour. The parents are WAY to soft on her, worrying about hurting her feelings. They need to come down HARD every single time she makes a comment like that
Load More Replies... YetAnotherSarah 2 years ago
"Yelled at her a few times" psh. Shut that shït down! When you have a dog who wants to go after another dog when you're on a walk, you don't wait until he starts going nuts trying to get there. Your dog isn't allowed to *look* at the other dog. The behavior correction starts at the *beginning*. Likewise, the moment this teenager opens her mouth to be rude, *everybody else* gets up and walks tf out of the room. Every time. Full rejection. "Your attitude is toxic, and I don't want any of it to get on me. Your words are cruel, and I will not stand for you to talk to someone I love in that manner. Your behavior is vile, and I will not give you the opportunity to infringe it upon myself and others." What she's learned so far is that she can be a jerk 25 times and the cost is being yelled at once.
Gardener of Weeden 2 years ago
Sorry mom, Your worrying about hurting her feelings has encouraged this behavior. SHE wants YOU gone. If you move out she wins. Be the ADULT put your foot down, she is acting like a AZZ and there are no real excuses. Your punishments are not effective ( she has learned to hold out for a bit and you will cave). Ship he off, inform her that her behavior is not going to be tolerated and until she learns respect - she is not welcome in the FAMILY home. When she is in the house - she is to be in HER room ONLY - no interaction with anyone. And I also think your "shrink" is a failure. Sorry hugging a child while they gleefully stab you in the back is NOT healthy.
Apps 2 years ago (edited)
I had some issues with my stepdaughter when she was in her teens. It didn't matter what approach I used. Eventually, I started staying late at work, the gym, stores. I wasn't afraid of her, just tired of the situation. After about a week of not coming home that much, my husband told his daughter to get tf out! I had no idea he would do that, and let me tell you, she was shocked too. Her brother backed his father when my stepdaughter's mother protested about the change in living arrangements. Stepdaughter was eventually diagnosed with ODD and adhd (inattentive). ODD is a nightmare but I digress. I think OP should let her husband take over the situation. There is some sort of invented competition with the dad going on here. He's got to reject the attempted hijack of the mother's position in the family. Sometimes, you've got to be cruel to be kind. If you're still in doubt, watch a nature show or two. If mom is having trouble, the threat of being eaten by dad works.
I’mSoEmotional 2 years ago
I found out that my stepdaughter once told my husband to choose between me and her. As many fights as we had I would never have asked my husband that, but then again I was the adult. He explained to her that she would always be his daughter but it was unfair of her to ask him to get rid of his wife while she continued on with her life and was allowed to have a love life of her own, but not him. I guess it struck home with her because she never asked him again. She doesn’t know the real reason her parents divorced was her mother having an affair with her husband’s best friend. She still thinks it was his relationship with me and we met a year after they divorced.
Load More Replies... Sue Bradley 2 years ago
I have been in this situation. Whilst a different therapist might help, this is a version of what I did. Set up a meeting with you, hubby & daughter. Explain that the behaviour is not acceptable and will not be tolerated going forward. She has 2 choices, to modify her behaviour (have a basic list ready) or to go to boarding school. Emphasise that you love her, however the family home is for everyone to be safe and happy, and that is not how it's is. If she agrees to stay she has to sign the paper. If not then it's school. She has to make the decision. Best of luck X
Luna W. 2 years ago
Having read through this post and all included comments I feel like everything has been said. A good friend of mine is a therapist who specialized in counseling teenagers and their parents. From conversations with him I learned that our brain isn't fully developed until we're 25. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s rational part. This is the part of the brain that responds to situations with good judgment and an awareness of long-term consequences. Teens process information with the amygdala, which is the emotional part. HOWEVER...in this particular case I really feel for the mom and the family. I think there are 2 options: they either change the daughter's psychiatrist to have her re-evaluated to check if medication could be beneficial for her, or they send her to boarding school...
Skimommy 2 years ago
As a parent, I'd clap back at her, hard. She cuts my ponytail, I cut hers. She makes a crappy comment, I come back with a crappier comment. No apology. "Dad is going to leave you". "Oh yeah? What for you? You think he wants an incestuous relationship with a fat 14 year old? He sure as F wouldn't find another woman that would put up with you." Keep it up, brat, I got a million of them. Rotten milk in my moisturizer? I'd pour it on her face. The kid is doing it because you let her. She hates you because you're weak. My kid was mouthing off one day and my husband heard it and lost his mind, came in and explained everything I do for her and how he wouldn't, full volume. Lot less of that happened after. United front with a vengeance.
Load More Replies... Aboredpanda 2 years ago
OP should watch some episodes of supernanny, where there are a bit older kids. It seems like they're afraid of being firm and giving consequences in the face of this behavior. Like go to your room, immediately and every single time, if you can't behave in a socially acceptable way. And if she doesn't respect mum then dad needs to enforce it, and refuse to engage with the daughter following such incidents.
PolymathNecromancer 2 years ago (edited)
Not tryina be a smartasss but your post reminded me of Eric Cartman being straightened out by Cesar Millan !
Load More Replies... The Starsong Princess 2 years ago
Get another therapist, the one you have is useless. Right now, your daughter is the dominant figure in the household and everyone tiptoes around her, trying to “model good behavior”. She’s no different from a tantruming toddler who isn’t being properly parented. You are the mother and you need to be in charge. Find a therapist who supports you in this.
r ceasar 2 years ago (edited)
I think the missing piece from what is shared, the daughter does not fear her mother. She bullies her because she can. Sometimes the passivity can grind on a person's nerve and push the boundaries until they go too far with the victim. Even the tone of the moms post was passive. Her daughter probably wants her to push back but doesn't have the emotional intelligence to say why and what. I was a mouthy teen and I went to extremes depending on the parents. I judged my mom because she was fat and I thought she lacked self discipline so I treated her a certain way. None of it was right and I LOVE my parents like nothing else in this world today at almost 50. But as a teen I pushed buttons because guess what I could until I poked the bear 1 time too many. My butt learned that day for sure. This is a mom/daughter problem. The dad needs to support mom BUT mom needs to buck up. Leaving the house again shows that the daughter wins that should not be the message.
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