Mom Introduces BF’s Parents To Her Toddler As ‘Grandma And Grandpa,’ It Costs Her Relationship
My biological father divorced my mother when I was still a toddler and has been in my life sporadically since then. However, often enough that I remember some of his favorite phrases. One of them is “don’t run ahead of the locomotive!” (yes, he was a railroader).
And, damn it, this is an incredibly wise principle that many of us are so lacking in following. For example, the user u/Character_Bed_1205, the author of our story today. A single mom, who so wanted her boyfriend to replace her son’s father that her wishful thinking took over…
More info: Reddit
The author of the post is a 29-year-old woman with a 4-year-old son and she had been dating another man for the last 1.5 years
Image credits: PNW Production (not the actual photo)
The woman says that her boyfriend, “Jay”, was an awesome man and had always treated her son perfectly
Image credits: u/Character_Bed_1205
Image credits: Andre Furtado (not the actual photo)
Last Thanksgiving the woman and her son visited Jay, and his parents also came over
Image credits: u/Character_Bed_1205
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
The woman introduced Jay’s parents to her son as ‘grandma and grandpa’ thus actually upsetting both them and her boyfriend as well
Image credits: u/Character_Bed_1205
A fight happened, and this situation actually cost the woman her relationship, as Jay decided to break up soon after
So, some quick background now – the original poster (OP) is 29 years old and has a 4-year-old son whose biological dad is not involved in his life at all. And for a year and a half prior to the situation, the woman had been dating a 25-year-old guy named “Jay,” who, in her own words, seemed like the most amazing man in the world.
In particular, Jay always communicated wonderfully with the boy, willingly played with him, and behaved in a way that not every father is given. However, even after a year and a half of a relationship, the author and Jay still lived separately. And she had seen the guy’s parents literally a couple of times, no more. And so, last Thanksgiving, mother and son went to visit Jay.
The boyfriend’s parents, who had never met the OP’s son before, also came to the gathering. And when the man’s father asked: “Who is this little guy?”, she responded by introducing Jay’s parents as “grandparents” to her son. Hmm… there was a tense silence after that, and the only one who didn’t feel anything was actually the boy.
The tension at the festive table was so palpable that it seemed you could touch it with your hands. Jay’s parents were rather cold with the OP – although they remained impeccably polite, but the holiday obviously got ruined, and soon the representatives of the older generation left.
And here Jay finally vented to his emotions, asking his girlfriend why she put him in such an awkward position in front of his parents. After all, they, in turn, hadn’t even imagined that the relationship was “that serious,” and asked the son a question – whether the author perceived him as “a replacement daddy.”
The woman, in turn, was sincerely perplexed by Jay’s reaction – after all, as it seemed to her, they had been dating for a long time, and things were quite logically moving towards the fact that sooner or later they’d become a full-fledged family. Jay perhaps didn’t think so – and the fight continued until the moment when the OP stormed out of his house.
However, after consulting with friends and her sister, our heroine began to realize that there was a certain gap between her expectations and reality, and that, obviously, Jay perceived their relationship in a slightly different way.
It ended with her calling both Jay and his parents and apologizing. However, this didn’t save the relationship – soon she and Jay met and, after talking, decided to break up. According to the guy himself, the OP’s reaction to this situation played a significant role in this decision on his part.
As for our heroine, she admits that what happened became an important life lesson for her, and she will now go into her next relationship understanding that her expectations from the partner may differ from their own. And according to the author, she also needs to work on her own communication skills. Let’s wish her good luck. To her and her son for sure.
Image credits: Alena Darmel (not the actual photo)
“I think this situation should really serve as a valuable lesson for this woman,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, with whom Bored Panda got in touch for a comment over this case. “After all, one of the principles of healthy relationships is that no matter how confident you are in the reaction of your significant other, always ask and clarify in advance. After all, your vision may differ significantly from their vision, and from reality too.”
“Yes, no matter how insightful we may seem to ourselves, we still won’t be able to get into another person’s head. Therefore, we need to ask and clarify. Clarify and ask. And do this very delicately and diplomatically, because any relationship is also about not hurting the feelings of another person,” Irina summarizes.
As for the commenters on the original post, in the first part – before the OP’s update, in which our heroine talks about how she changed her attitude towards the situation – people mostly criticized her. “It’s quite a big assumption for you to have your kid refer to anyone by grandma/grandpa. You should’ve run it by your boyfriend beforehand,” one of the responders wrote.
Most of all, in this case, the commenters felt sorry, of course, for the original poster’s little son, for whom this situation was most likely quite traumatic. “You owe everyone, including your son, an apology,” another person added in the comments. “You created an unnecessary core memory for your poor son,” someone else wrote quite reasonably.
However, after the author’s update, the attitude of commenters towards her softened. “I’m pleased that you’ve taken this as an opportunity to reflect and grow as a person. Sorry to hear it was such a tough lesson,” one of the folks responded. “Well, time to start anew then. And I guess this serves as a life lesson to not assume things about people’s motivations,” another commenter pondered. And what do you, our dear readers, think about this particular story?
People in the comments claimed that the woman was wrong for not consulting Jay in advance, and that she traumatized her son as well
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I'm fully on board that OP was in the wrong in this specific situation. Introducing effective strangers as "grandma and grandpa," without even discussing it with your partner is, at best, weird. One thing that does bother me though - they'd been together for a year and a half. That's a pretty long time. Conversations about the long-term never came up? Surely I would have thought that would be really important, especially with a small child involved.
This. Introducing the parents as grandparents was wrong, but after a year and a half the bf isn't sure he wants to be dad?
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OP was definitely in the wrong here. On a side note, if you're dating a single parent, you better be looking for a marriage partner. (This is not a comment on OP's situations specifically.) This doesn't mean jumping into it. You get to know each other for a couple of years first. And as soon as they know the parent is not the one for them, they need to get out immediately. But I've heard too many times of people dating someone who has a child, knowing that they have no intention of EVER marrying them or being a parent figure. That's cruel, unless the parent specifically says he/she just wants to mess around. In that case, the children should NEVER be introduced to the parent's sex partner, so as not to get their hearts broken.
I dont see why that would be the case. Maybe they want to keep their dating life separate. You're basically saying that unless you wish to be a coparent you need to get out of there. But not all married ppl with children are looking for coparents, just romantic partners. Indeed the number of ppl who even gets married yet makes it clear that their spouse is not to interfere in how they raise their children is actually quite large. You're way of based. Whats important is thaf expectations are matched, but there is no one set of expectations
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BF should have been upfront from the beginning about being unsure if he wanted to be in a relationship with someone who already has a child/children. Don't date a single parent if you're unsure about taking on the responsibility of a child. OP was also in the wrong for telling her child to call her bf's parents 'Grandma' and 'Grandpa' for many reasons. The main one being it's confusing for her child. At least OP was able to grow from this experience and realize where she went wrong. I hope her kid is ok.
I'm going to say that there's something seriously wrong with that family and she's better off. You know how long a year and a half is in the life of a child? What was the big deal? So she made a mistake; it was one that was understandable. Couldn't they have laughed it off and she and BF have a discussion? People telling her "YTA" are wrong. Yes, she could have asked in advance -- but when? It's a RED FLAG that it took a full YEAR AND A HALF for the parents to be introduced to her - but okay. SO she's painted with a red letter because she has a child? WTAUF?
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I'm fully on board that OP was in the wrong in this specific situation. Introducing effective strangers as "grandma and grandpa," without even discussing it with your partner is, at best, weird. One thing that does bother me though - they'd been together for a year and a half. That's a pretty long time. Conversations about the long-term never came up? Surely I would have thought that would be really important, especially with a small child involved.
This. Introducing the parents as grandparents was wrong, but after a year and a half the bf isn't sure he wants to be dad?
Load More Replies... OP was definitely in the wrong here. On a side note, if you're dating a single parent, you better be looking for a marriage partner. (This is not a comment on OP's situations specifically.) This doesn't mean jumping into it. You get to know each other for a couple of years first. And as soon as they know the parent is not the one for them, they need to get out immediately. But I've heard too many times of people dating someone who has a child, knowing that they have no intention of EVER marrying them or being a parent figure. That's cruel, unless the parent specifically says he/she just wants to mess around. In that case, the children should NEVER be introduced to the parent's sex partner, so as not to get their hearts broken.
I dont see why that would be the case. Maybe they want to keep their dating life separate. You're basically saying that unless you wish to be a coparent you need to get out of there. But not all married ppl with children are looking for coparents, just romantic partners. Indeed the number of ppl who even gets married yet makes it clear that their spouse is not to interfere in how they raise their children is actually quite large. You're way of based. Whats important is thaf expectations are matched, but there is no one set of expectations
Load More Replies... BF should have been upfront from the beginning about being unsure if he wanted to be in a relationship with someone who already has a child/children. Don't date a single parent if you're unsure about taking on the responsibility of a child. OP was also in the wrong for telling her child to call her bf's parents 'Grandma' and 'Grandpa' for many reasons. The main one being it's confusing for her child. At least OP was able to grow from this experience and realize where she went wrong. I hope her kid is ok.
I'm going to say that there's something seriously wrong with that family and she's better off. You know how long a year and a half is in the life of a child? What was the big deal? So she made a mistake; it was one that was understandable. Couldn't they have laughed it off and she and BF have a discussion? People telling her "YTA" are wrong. Yes, she could have asked in advance -- but when? It's a RED FLAG that it took a full YEAR AND A HALF for the parents to be introduced to her - but okay. SO she's painted with a red letter because she has a child? WTAUF?
Load More Replies...
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