Why would the daughter send the mother and engagement party, or Wedding invitation? She KNOWS the mother won't turn up. There is ALWAYS going to be an "emergency".

I really don’t know much about autism, so please don’t downvote. I just can’t help but think, that maybe some of the sons behavior has been learned. Like, if the mom has missed everything that the daughter was doing on account of the son, maybe he’s learned to have his outbursts when she’s planning on leaving. Being the youngest child of a single parent that has been taken care of his whole life just seems like a recipe for this type of behavior. Being autistic, I don’t think, makes you immune from that… Either way, I might read up more on autism. it seems to be more common so it would be good to understand.

I'm certainly no child care expert, let alone throwing autism into the mix, but have observed toddlers / preschoolers pitching fits when a parent leaves. The more the parent "coddled" the kid and prolonged the departure, the worse the kid's would throw fits. When parents gave a hug with "love you and see you later," and left...yes the kid might still have some fussing after parent leaves, but eventually calmed. The protracted departures had the kid fussing much longer. (Babysat as a teen, and later volunteered at son's preschool). Sounds like mom in the story didn't give things a chance to work out :(

So - I get there are different levels of autism. I get that the autistic kid isn't at fault... really though... the POINT of this post (that I see) is the mother willfully downplaying the fact that her absence and negligence has been *consistent throughout her daughter's entire life* - it sounds like there were never even any creative solutions made... - say... replace 'autistic child' with a disability, or a chronic illness. *something* could be done... a livestream, a proxy who comes bearing the gifts and sentiments 'standing in specifically' for the mom... SOMETHING to show that she took more than a few seconds to give a f**k about her daughter... this post sounds like it was just always "Well, I have your brother to take care of... so sorry - you understand right?" Repeat over and over ... and only NOW she asks if she's in the wrong because the daughter FINALLY said "I'm going to stop giving more than I'm receiving".

It's clear that the commenters on this post, both here and there, don't really understand the different degrees of autism. There are some who sit and bang their heads against the wall until they are bloody and groggy. She mentioned he's largely non-verbal, that's a pretty good indication of severe debilitation. When these events occur, sometimes you just can't leave and it takes constant care. This is an important topic, as autism is quite prevalent, and some understanding would do everyone some good.

YTA. at the risk of sounding like a unintelligible monkey, I would like to say that you might be enabling your son by always staying like this. Let him see that mommy won’t always be there for him, because you won’t always be there. Additionally, you have serially neglected your daughter. Give her the recognition she deserves

NAH. This family got dealt a bad hand. Dead father. Severely autistic son/brother. The daughter never had a chance to have an involved parent. Mom never had a real opportunity to be there for her daughter due to son's condition. I understand and appreciate the position both are in. Daughter cut ties because knowing that someone will never be there for you is no much easier than hoping they'll show up but then being heart broken when they don't. Mom has an adult son with severe autism. If you've ever worked with kids with severe autism it is terribly overwhelming. When they have an outburst there can be screaming, yelling, broken stuff, injury to the child and injuries to the caregiver. At one job we had to wear Kevlar sleeves when interacting with one specific child and if he really got going three of us would have to take him outside, lay him on the grass, and hold his extremities while cushioning his head until he exhausted himself.

YTA: I see this with sick kids as well. I've had a cousin who would spend months at a time in the hospital, and parents would sit there at the hospital. Granted the kid is sick, but there are other kids at home who need them, and if the condition is stable, there is no reason both parents need to be at the hospital at the same time for weeks at a time. I have an autistic brother who lives at home. The state provides caregivers free of charge. My parents have been able to take trips and vacations together on their own, and attend events for me while a caregiver (paid by the state) takes care of my brother for a few days (or even weeks). You decided to be the primary caregiver and not trust others. As such, you prioritized one kid over the other. Not only are YTA, but I'm on your daughter's side and am glad she cut off the toxic relationship she had with you.

I wonder if the mum is actually co-dependent on her son, if her identity is so enmeshed with her caring role for him that the thought of someone else being able to manage his outbursts in some way undermines her core identity. If someone else can do it, what is her whole life even about? So she thinks she can leave him, but when push comes to literal shove, it's important for her that she's the one who sorts him out.

That she didn't go to the graduation, even without a ticket, is very telling. That was her last shot, and she missed it. She should have showed up, apologized profusely, showered the daughter with praise and special attention, and taken her to dinner. She didn't bother, so now it's over. A scene from the TV show "Yellowstone" comes to mind: there is a religious funeral, and two characters were not invited, but are standing at a distance, observing. One says "I don't think they want us here" and goes to leave, but the other stops them to say "Even if they don't want us, they need to know we care enough to stay." This woman did not care enough to endure the awkwardness of staying, and so she lost her place.

YTA. As an AUTISTIC CHILD— not parent, not sibling. Diagnosed at age 2, autistic. I have 6 other siblings and I get what attention they have time for! They balance it! You had a trained babysitter and STILL left? For what? You wouldn’t even be home in time before that meltdown was over and he’d moved on!

YTA..the mom has 2 kids. Though on the flip side, I am the disabled sibling and older by 2 yrs. I do have epilepsy and my mom would use me to not show up at my sister's events by using my little "emergencies". This caused a huge strain in our relationships. In the end, after mom died and my sister and I talked..she realized I never wanted to be the reason. All performances the mom missed because of the son, but for the one that broke the Camel's back, a professional was there which she decided to stay. She made that choice. It's good the daughter made hers.

YTA. I have an autistic son as well. HOWEVER. Even with my husband alive, we have MA for our kids. MA covers a LOT of therapies for autism. We went through years of ECSE(early childhood special education) and other outside therapies. The reason my autistic kid has turned out fine is because I didn't baby him. When he had his meltdowns, I didn't coddle him(I'd talk him through it if it was bad, but never coddled), sure: people called me a s****y parent. But I also saw what coddling an autistic kid just because of "special needs" did to families. From nonverbal to high functioning. A LOT of this does indeed come from the environment that the parent gave. You reap what you sow. You never trusted the therapists. YOU were mom and YOU knew better, even though you weren't specially trained for autism. That's the main problem with parents that have special needs kids. Fact is: you DON'T know better. Hence the therapist: they are literally trained to train you AND help the kid.

I can understand how the daughter feels. All of her life she's had to take a backseat to her brother's needs. Mom hired an experienced sitter but couldn't seem to trust her to take care of her son during an outburst. The hurt that daughter feels, and has felt, all of her life is hard to heal. You can't relive those special events. The situation with the son isn't going to change. She'll be taking care of him for the rest of her life. But the special times when her daughter needed her, are gone forever. I know little about autism, but can the son sense that one of these special events was coming up? Could he have acted up, afraid to be left at home by his mother, if she went to daughters games, etc? As I said, I know little of the condition. Is this boy uncontrollable only at times when mom wants to leave him with a sitter? But did she really have to miss every single event throughout her daughter's life? IDK.

You hired a trained stranger for your son. Knowing your son how did you expect him to react to someone he doesn't know,? You might try finding 2 trained caregivers and pay each to come to your home once or twice a week, or meet you in a park, or some other activity your son likes. Do this do he will get used to them so when you have an occasion to get away there is someone he is familiar with. You may let them stay with him while you go out for coffee. Allow him time to get used to them so you can enjoy your daughters wedding. If I'm correct he had the meltdown because she was a stranger. He was scared. Incorporate these sitters into your lives.

I'm glad I decided to read this post. I work as a Para-Professional Instructional Assistant Severely Disabled. That is what I deal with low functioning Autism cases usually one-on-one. I will say I've encountered many individuals which are down right are unpredictable and very dangerous. I've got to be vigilant at all times. What I've seen with parents is they pacify them with phones or iPads. To keep them from meltdowns at home. Which makes it harder for me to work on tasks that individual has to do. Being that they are used to getting their way to avoid working in class. They aren't in anyway given boundaries at home. So they hit staff or students without regard at full strength, pushing heavy desks/chairs, biting themselves/staff, hitting themselves against walls. I don't think you understand your inconsistent parenting is the problem. Shame on you for ignoring your daughters important day! I understand how she feels I've been hurt by parents showing favoritism towards another sib.