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MIL Tries To Guilt-Trip Couple Into Spending Their Anniversary Doing Yard Work For Her, Fails
Respect is paramount to any successful relationship. One way to test whether it’s there is to see how others respond to your healthy boundaries. However, it can be pretty tough to enforce them when it comes to our family members. You might even feel a bit guilty or frustrated that you have to push back against entitled behavior.
Redditor u/HollywoodAlphie went viral after venting to the r/JUSTNOMIL online community about a touchy situation at home. She revealed how she and her husband were planning on celebrating their 11-year wedding anniversary; however, her mother-in-law insisted that they cancel their plans and help her do yard work instead. Check out the story below. Bored Panda has reached out to the author via Reddit, and we’ll update the article as soon as we hear back from her.
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At times, you might find that your in-laws have difficulty respecting your boundaries
Image credits: lucigerma/Envato elements (not the actual photo)
One internet user opened up about how her mother-in-law felt entitled to her time on her wedding anniversary
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages/Envato elements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: HollywoodAlphie
If you’re unlucky enough to have legitimately toxic in-laws, it’s likely making your life hell
Image credits: George Chambers/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Though we often see in-laws behaving terribly in comedy movies and on TV, the stereotype doesn’t always match up with reality. Whether or not your in-laws are going to be nice to you or make your life a living hell comes down to them as individuals and what your dynamic with them is like.
That being said, many married couples still deal with a lot of tension with their in-laws. There’s going to be friction between relatives no matter the case, sure. But in some instances, it’s very clear when someone feels entitled enough to keep testing other people’s boundaries.
According to NYT bestselling author Susan Forward, Ph.D., and Donna Frazier in their book ‘Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage,’ toxic in-laws are a reality of life. They aim to create chaos in your life using various tactics, both subtle and overt.
They categorize toxic in-laws into a few main groups. The Critics, for example, will always tell you what you’re doing wrong. Meanwhile, The Controllers will try to penetrate your boundaries, entrench themselves into your life, and run everything for you.
Then you have The Engulfers who constantly demand your time and attention. The so-called Masters of Chaos drain the couple’s energy by bombarding them with their problems. And The Rejecters will do whatever they can to tell you that they don’t want you to be part of their family.
It would be naive to think that you can turn your entitled or even toxic in-laws into considerate, self-aware, kind, and caring people overnight. Real change happens over a long period of time. It requires transparent communication, clear boundaries, and consequences for ‘bad’ behavior.
Not only that, but it’s genuinely hard for people to change their behavior and outlook on life. Unless something massively rocks their world or they come to a sudden realization of how they impact the people around them, they’re probably going to change only incrementally.
Even that slow progress can be called into question if the individual thinks they’re always in the right, no matter what. So, it might be best to temper your expectations. Aim for creating some peace and quiet in your life first before you set your expectations higher for their behavioral ‘makeover.’
Without proper boundaries, you’re bound to feel frustrated all the time because you’re at others’ beck and call
Image credits: Liza Summer/Pexels (not the actual photo)
The reality is that setting a boundary doesn’t automatically mean it’ll be respected. Sure, you can make it clear that it’s there, but if the other person walks all over it, you’re stuck thinking about how best to respond.
Broadly speaking, there are two potential lines of response. First, you may want to consider whether your boundaries are realistic. They might be too harsh. You might not have made your boundaries clear enough. Or the entire situation might have been a huge series of (hopefully, hilarious; realistically, exhausting) misunderstandings.
Secondly, if your boundaries keep getting trampled, you may want to rethink your relationship with that person. The reality might be that they simply don’t respect you enough to adapt to your expectations.
In that case, you’re free to speak to the person about how their behavior affects you (stay calm, use lots of “I” statements, and avoid chastising them so they don’t get defensive). Alternatively, you can simply accept the situation for what it is: unacceptable. Cut your losses. Spend less time around the individual until they prove to you that they’ve changed.
How well do you get along with your in-laws, dear Pandas? Are they genuinely good people or do you always end up frustrated when they visit? How do you like to celebrate your wedding anniversaries? Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences in the comment section, at the bottom of this post.
The author shared additional information in the comments of her post, as it went viral
Here’s how some other readers reacted. They had some suggestions for the author as well
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What do you think ?
ॐBoyGanesh 7 months ago
She showed her hand with the “you can just do your anniversary another day” slip. Clarifying that this was, indeed, a power move to reinforce or remind her children & their partners that she’s the matron of the family and in her eyes they should defer to her wants & needs. It has little to do with spontaneity or last-minute planning. I come from a large family that is spread out over continents & opposing coasts. We rarely make advanced plans, instead winging it. I can’t think of a single instance when one of us felt obligated to attend a short notice event. This type of guilt-tripping & passive-aggressive behavior needs to be called out very loudly & clearly.
Anyone-for-tea? 7 months ago
Is it still a power move if the MIL decided that’s when she wanted her yard work done, then as she went around the sons asking if they were available and then she was told or found out it was their anniversary, they couldn’t come but she decided to press on anyway? As her attitude sounds like some of the narcissistic personalities in my family. Then plan last minute because they only put themselves first, and its not that they try and plan something when you’re not free because they care about your plans to disrupt them, it’s just that they only think of their needs and wants?
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ॐBoyGanesh 7 months ago
She showed her hand with the “you can just do your anniversary another day” slip. Clarifying that this was, indeed, a power move to reinforce or remind her children & their partners that she’s the matron of the family and in her eyes they should defer to her wants & needs. It has little to do with spontaneity or last-minute planning. I come from a large family that is spread out over continents & opposing coasts. We rarely make advanced plans, instead winging it. I can’t think of a single instance when one of us felt obligated to attend a short notice event. This type of guilt-tripping & passive-aggressive behavior needs to be called out very loudly & clearly.
Anyone-for-tea? 7 months ago
Is it still a power move if the MIL decided that’s when she wanted her yard work done, then as she went around the sons asking if they were available and then she was told or found out it was their anniversary, they couldn’t come but she decided to press on anyway? As her attitude sounds like some of the narcissistic personalities in my family. Then plan last minute because they only put themselves first, and its not that they try and plan something when you’re not free because they care about your plans to disrupt them, it’s just that they only think of their needs and wants?
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