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Woman Can’t Figure Out Why Daughter-In-Law Suddenly Went From Polite To Secretive Towards Her
In-law relationships take years to build, so you’d expect they wouldn’t unravel in just a moment—or even a few. But for one Mumsnet forum user, a once-warm bond with her son’s wife has become brittle and cold.
In a heartfelt post, the lady explained that the bad signs started to appear around the birth of her first grandchild. But she didn’t want to escalate things and hoped they would subside. They didn’t.
Now, the rare visits are dominated by dismissive language and there’s no apparent interest from the daughter-in-law to rectify the situation. So she’s asking the internet if she herself should initiate it.
RELATED:
A good mother- and daughter-in-law relationship benefits the whole family
Image credits: Teona Swift / Pexels (not the actual photo)
But this woman and her son’s wife have had a falling out and she doesn’t even understand why
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: helpamilout
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law dynamic has a lot of pre-programmed challenges
Part of why in-law relationships can be so tricky is the fact that there is no universal manual for them.
Some partly blame the historical formation of heterosexual family structures for the trope of the meddling mother-in-law.
In some patrilineal societies, parents choose who their child marries, and once married, the daughter-in-law moves in with her husband’s family.
As the senior woman of the household in these arrangements, the mother-in-law is in charge of the domestic duties and gains higher social status and decision-making authority over her daughter-in-law.
“It’s a precarious environment because the new wife is separated from their family of origin and those who may be more protective of her,” says Dr. Gretchen Perry, who spent 25 years in social services work with vulnerable individuals and families, and currently is researching non-parental caregivers.
“Depending on the nature of that circumstance, it can be a difficult, controlling environment, with a lot of conflict.” So again, the omnipresent trope of the meddling mother-in-law is partly a hangover from this setup, where a daughter-in-law is under the thumb of a matriarch.
Today, these kinds of living arrangements are far less common, but according to statistics, a woman and her mother-in-law are more likely to clash than male members of the family.
Psychologist Dr. Terri Apter, who conducted more than two decades of research and summarized it in her book What Do You Want from Me?: Learning to Get Along with In-Laws, found that 60% of women admitted that the relationship with their female in-laws caused them long-term unhappiness and stress. Moreover, two-thirds of daughters-in-law felt that their husband’s mother frequently exhibited jealous, maternal love towards their son. 75% of couples reported having problems with an in-law, but only 15% of mother-in-law/son-in-law relationships were described as tense.
It’s difficult to know what the problem in this particular case is when the author of the post herself doesn’t, but hopefully, she and her daughter-in-law will find a way to get past it.
As people reacted to the story, its author provided them with more information
There were a lot of opinions and advice in the replies
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What do you think ?
kath morgan 1 month ago
I feel like I don’t have enough information to comment; she puts her efforts in the best light but without DIL’s perspective it could easily be the other side of an overbearing mother in law story.
greenideas 1 month ago
If you read the original thread, OP starts off sounding like a nice MIL but if you read between the lines, she's pushy, demanding and judgemental. She wants more access to the grandkids and come hell or high water, she's gonna get it, even if it means railroading her DIL and their marriage. In the end, the son solves the problem by throwing money at it and buying her a flat in the same city to stay whenever she wants, without even consulting DIL.
Load More Replies... FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
If son doesn't have any insight, just focus on the kids. Have them each to yours for a week each year, take them on trips if you can. Build a good relationship with the grandkids. Don't spend energy on DiL, things aren't going to change.
brandyy17 1 month ago
i m much closer with my mom then my mother in law. if i had kids id likely go to my mom for help more then my mother in law. my parents live in a different state but said theyd get a rental house here once i have kids. while i live with my in laws (basement apartment) i honestly think id rely on my mom more. as it is alot of things my mother in law talks about with my husband r things i dont understand or conspiracy stuff im not interested in so we dont talk much to begin with just friendly chats here and there. its possible the DIL had the same situation. she may not kno how to talk to her MIL and feels more comfortable with her own mom. the OP's son isnt doing anything to change things so he probably doesnt see it as an issue. the OP should talk to her son not DIL. if the DIL feels a certain way questioning her about it may make her uncomfortable cuz its very clear that her comfort zone is with her mom or her family (husband and kids). u cant change someones comfort zone once theyve established it.
kath morgan 1 month ago
I feel like I don’t have enough information to comment; she puts her efforts in the best light but without DIL’s perspective it could easily be the other side of an overbearing mother in law story.
greenideas 1 month ago
If you read the original thread, OP starts off sounding like a nice MIL but if you read between the lines, she's pushy, demanding and judgemental. She wants more access to the grandkids and come hell or high water, she's gonna get it, even if it means railroading her DIL and their marriage. In the end, the son solves the problem by throwing money at it and buying her a flat in the same city to stay whenever she wants, without even consulting DIL.
Load More Replies... FreeTheUnicorn 1 month ago
If son doesn't have any insight, just focus on the kids. Have them each to yours for a week each year, take them on trips if you can. Build a good relationship with the grandkids. Don't spend energy on DiL, things aren't going to change.
brandyy17 1 month ago
i m much closer with my mom then my mother in law. if i had kids id likely go to my mom for help more then my mother in law. my parents live in a different state but said theyd get a rental house here once i have kids. while i live with my in laws (basement apartment) i honestly think id rely on my mom more. as it is alot of things my mother in law talks about with my husband r things i dont understand or conspiracy stuff im not interested in so we dont talk much to begin with just friendly chats here and there. its possible the DIL had the same situation. she may not kno how to talk to her MIL and feels more comfortable with her own mom. the OP's son isnt doing anything to change things so he probably doesnt see it as an issue. the OP should talk to her son not DIL. if the DIL feels a certain way questioning her about it may make her uncomfortable cuz its very clear that her comfort zone is with her mom or her family (husband and kids). u cant change someones comfort zone once theyve established it.
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