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Parenting might not be a competition, but no matter how you look at it, some people are far more responsible when raising kids than others. Aside from the basics like food, clothing, a good home, and education, kids also need love, support, structure, trust, and openness to thrive.
Unfortunately, not every parent can provide this. Recently, the members of the r/AskReddit online community opened up about some very sensitive things from their past. They shared the moments from their childhoods that they didn’t realize were extremely messed up until much later, when they grew up. Scroll down to see what challenges they faced when they were kids.
Bored Panda got in touch with the person who sparked the viral discussion, u/NeitherEntrepreneur3, to talk about parenting red and green flags, as well as healing from trauma. You'll find our full interview with them below.
Warning: some of these posts can be very uncomfortable to read for anyone who had a troubled upbringing or a traumatic past.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Still processing it because you dont hear much about a mom sexually abusing their daughter and trafficking them across state lines during roadtrips.
I called a childhelp line once and they told me “moms dont r*pe their daughters”. I was 12. We had just gone over a lesson in school about abuse. I trashed my room and she beat the hell out of me, I dont remember what happened after.
I told some friends of mine after I got into college. I call them my big brothers. One encouraged me to press charges but only if I wanted to. Theres a case file out there but its not like active or whatever cause I chickened out.
F**k that was a lot harder than i thought.
We asked the author of the thread for their thoughts about some of the red flags that someone is probably not ready to be a parent yet. From their perspective, one sign is that the grownup believes that their wants come before their child's needs.
"When you bring a child into the world and you decide to raise it, it’s your responsibility to provide for that child. The same goes for adopted children, you made a decision to raise that kid, so making sure they have what they need is the top priority. Also, if you are in an unstable relationship before your child is born, chances are it won’t improve because you had a child," u/NeitherEntrepreneur3 shared their thoughts with Bored Panda.
The author of the thread pointed out that they don't believe that it's ever possible to be fully ready to be a parent. That being said, "You can at least look at your circumstances objectively and think about how your priorities in life will drastically change with a child in the mix."
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#2
My dad used to like to go hunt for antiques in abandoned houses. He took me with him a couple of times. Turns out the houses were only abandoned between 8-5pm M-F.
EDIT: my top comment ever is about being a 4th grade B&E man!
#3
Not showing physical affection to your children. I don't remember being hugged, kissed, or told "I love you". I probably needed it. I make sure to do that with my daughter every day. I don't care if we've had a bad day, that kid is going to know how loved she is.
On the flip side, for u/NeitherEntrepreneur3, some of the biggest parenting green flags include a sense of personal responsibility, honesty, and good communication. Being involved in their lives is a must! "Go to their games, school open houses, plays, recitals. If you can’t be there, communicate to your children why. If you have limited resources financially, consider your child’s needs, as in absolutely need this, before you consider your own wants and desires," they said.
"Tell your kids you are proud of them, build them up instead of tearing them down. Do this from a young age. I say this all from personal experience. Finally, be honest with your children. From a young age all the way to adulthood, kids are smarter than you might think. They can figure out if you’re lying because they likely know you better than you know yourself. If you lie to them, and they find out, they’ll keep that in their minds and it can create distrust in your relationship."
#4
My dad once took me into downtown LA to make me sit next to some homeless guys while berating me for getting a bad grade. He said I was gonna grow up to be just like them, lazy, poor, and stupid. A random guy in a business suit had to pull him to the side to tell him that what he was doing was abusive and would not give him the result he was looking for.
#5
My mother would forget to pick me up from school. They would sit down at the dinner table and realize they had forgotten.
My father never had an actual conversation with me until I was about to graduate from college. Yes, he would get on me about stuff. Yes, he would tell me what to do. But have an actual conversation? Nope.
When I was in the high school play, on stage delivering lines, they got up and left to meet friends for dinner.
I have three happy, well-adjusted children in their twenties. They all have jobs, places to live, and health care. Just as importantly, they like coming by and hanging out with the folks. Part of it is because their mother is an amazing woman. But part of it is because, in any given situation while raising them, I'd ask myself, "What would my parents do here?" And then I'd do the opposite.
Tina Girard 4 months ago
Just because your reproductive organs work doesn't mean you should put them to practice
#6
Anti-vax. I seriously had my 8yo foot impaled by a 4 inch rusty nail and didn’t even go to the doctor. Bitten by spiders, fallen from roofs, gotten various infections, no doctors. Ever. Colloidal Silver was a cure all tonic, I gargled vinegar, and ate “fortifying foods”… veggies. A lot of them. That’s not medicine. As an adult I’m missing all but 5 shots, but no one knows which because my medical records are all kinds of f****d and I don’t remember what I got. I got four childhood vaccines when I was 17 and had run away from home, and one later on as an adult because I was getting my kid vaccinated and they offered me a jab. Yes, my kids have regular doctor visits, a PcP, are completely vaccinated, and healthy. I’m on a mission to be a better dad.
We asked u/NeitherEntrepreneur3 what advice they'd give someone who has suffered a traumatic childhood, to help them heal, recover, and move on. They were kind enough to share their thoughts on this. "Things that happened to you in childhood might leave both physical and mental wounds. Wounds can heal, but sometimes they leave scars. You are not the same person as you were before you got scarred. And just like physically, some mental wounds never fully heal," they said.
"You may suffer from these issues for the rest of your life. There may not be such a thing as 'closure' or resolution. Some things just go on. But you have to realize that you survived something traumatic and have to celebrate the battles you win when you can. It’s a harsh truth to realize, but some things will never get easier over time. You simply have to accept it, live with it, and endure."
#7
My mom using me as a confidant/therapist from the age of 12 to 21. When I told her at 13 that I was depressed, all I got in response was "what do you want me to do about it?" Then proceeded to scream at me and call me lazy whenever I was having a depressive episode. Even now as an adult, I feel guilty for sitting around and not doing anything. I constantly feel like I have to do or clean something in order to feel productive. Took me years to let my brain and body rest when it needs it.
#8
As a teenager my family had a cat that loved me but was hesitant with everyone else. My parents put him down while I was on vacation with a friend. I had no idea. I never got a chance to say goodbye.
Worst part is that I was called a disappointment when I got furious at them for what they did.
#9
My parents were always pretty abusive. Mentally and physically. One particular instance sticks out in my head.
My dad beating my a*s when I was in grade 2 or 3 (i said 4 originally but that was a different a*s whooping also with a hockey stick). Made me kneel on tile for hrs and beat me with an aluminum hockey stick for close to 2hrs (i only know the time interval because of my friends). I screamed so loud, my friends all sat outside the side of my house crying.
After my dad went to bed, he told me to not move so I stayed kneeling on the hard tile floors all night crying. No sleep that night.
The next day, both my legs from my hips to my ankles were completely black and blue. I couldn't walk for several days after.
It was just normal for me and I didn't realize the extent of all the a*s whoopings until I was a teenager.
I tell my wife some of them and she cries every time lol I only laugh because man, to be raised where child abuse wasn't normal is literally unbelievable.
Children naturally look to the authority figures in their lives to get a sense of what’s right or wrong. However, someone who grows up in a dysfunctional household might not fully be aligned with societal and cultural values. In other words, what they think is completely ‘normal’ at home would shock others if they ever found out.
Both over-involvement and under-involvement can have very negative consequences. Helicopter parents who never let their kids off their (metaphorical) leash can hurt their confidence and independence in the future. On the other hand, absent parents can make their munchkins feel isolated, unsupported, and as though they are worth less than others.
#10
Well, there’s a lot but when I was 6 I got hit by a man speeding in a Firebird. Thankfully I was okay physically (got tossed to the other side of the road and hurt my wrists/knees.) A nice man in a work truck saw what happened and took me home. My mom opened the door, said thank you to the man and that was it. No visit to a doctor, no hugs, no comforting. It wasn’t a big deal to her so it wasn’t a big deal to me. It was like, yeah I got hit by a car. who hasn’t?
I’m 43 now and I’m healing my traumas one by one. I processed this event in trauma therapy (emdr) late last year. The entire week after felt like I got hit by a bus. My body finally released the trauma of that event. I’m living my best life now. Without her.
#11
That's it's not normal for moms to leave on vacation for 2 weeks and leave their 12 year old in charge of their 9 year old at home alone.
Alexandra 4 months ago
Those are not mothers; those are women who had children. In this case, the children survived. In other cases, children just starved to death because the women who gave birth to them thought having a holiday is more important than taking care of their child. For my part, any parent who lets their child starve and rot in their cradle should be incarcerated for life on an island with similar offenders.
#12
The drinking. I remember them telling me so many times how they wanted me to get my license to be the DD. I remember my dad being drunk and talking bad about me. I remember the time my mom was drunk as f**k and fell into a pile of trash bags. I remember my dad taking me golfing and always stopping by the gas station on the way to get a soda cup and a beer and drink it on the drive to the golf course and continue to drink there(then obviously drive me home. I remember thinking it was normal, but thinking back... pretty sure that is how I became and alcoholic. But oh well, I'm 17 days sober now, hopefully for good.
Edit: Thanks for the support guys. If anyone is struggling with alcohol or questioning its role in your life, take a look at the subreddit "stopdrinking" (on mobile and forgot how to link it). If you have any questions or need someone to talk to about it, or anything really, my DMs are always open. Alcohol doesn't have to run your life.
Con O Cuinn 4 months ago
Yep, had to call ambulances twice for my dad before the age of 8. Both times he was hammered and tried to walk upstairs with his hands in his pockets then fell, going backwards headfirst through our front window. Chap is dying of cirrhosis of the liver, still can't admit he's an alcoholic.
Healthline warns that parents who provide no discipline at home leave their kids to fend for themselves. This, in turn, eventually creates adults who don’t understand boundaries.
On the flip side, parents who are overly enthusiastic about discipline at home can make their children feel fearful or rebellious.
Something that no parent should ever do is withdraw their affection or attention. It’s harmful for kids if they believe that their parents’ love is conditional.
#13
Being punished with isolation for having negative emotions.
#14
I was born with cerebral palsy and used a walker as a child, this required me to hold on the walker to stand up and walk. All the way up till the 7th grade, they made me play all the sports in gym class (basketball, volleyball, badminton, etc). I was never told of wheelchair sports, nor was I ever offered an alternative to the sport we were practicing that week. As a consequence I have hated most sports until I became an adult and found that I could just watch on the sidelines far away from the ball and most harm that could befall me and enjoy the spectical. As an adult, I've come to realize that this means multiple gym teachers over the span of 6 years set me up to fail over and over and over again.
TribbleThinking 4 months ago (edited)
That's sick. And they dare call themselves human, let alone educators.
#15
When I was about 7, my mom didn’t let me in the apartment one day after school. She just opened the door a few inches and stuck her head out. She had me give her my violin and book sack and told me to go play. She shut the door and I went and played.
I always thought it was weird, but I never gave it more than two thoughts. One day, my much older brother casually said “don’t you remember when Mom was a prostitute?”
Yeah, that was a little bit of a shock. Almost up there with her wanting me to take a nude photo of her with my birthday present, the newly released Polaroid One Step camera.
I guess you could say there were signs.
Parenting is a huge responsibility. The adults in kids’ lives set the example for what is and isn’t acceptable. If done wrong, your kids can grow up anxious, depressed, aggressive, struggling at school and work, facing problems connecting with others, and dealing with serious self-esteem issues.
That’s why authoritative parenting is so powerful. Parents who communicate clearly, take their kids’ feelings into account, are emotionally available, and provide clear consequences for misbehavior are doing things right.
When your children have a good balance of support and structure in their lives, they grow up to be confident, independent adults who excel in their studies, build strong relationships, and are healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally.
#16
Apparently the naked tickle game my aunt liked to play when she baby sat me wasn't something that was that common with other folks.
#17
Apparently, when my parents would make me stay in extremely uncomfortable/painful positions for hours on end, that is called “stress positions” and was a torture technique utilized by the CIA on terrorists after 9/11.
#18
My Dad left shortly after I was born. I’d sometimes see him at weekends if he was sober enough to turn up. When I was 11 he told me he didn’t want to come see me anymore as that means driving and that means being sober (or not getting caught drink driving) He told me he would pay for train tickets and I could go to see him. So from age 11 I used to catch the train on a Friday afternoon from Nottingham into London then get the under ground then another train out to Essex. Where my dad would encourage me to drink and send me home drunk on a Sunday evening. At the time I just thought I was cool and independent.
The author of the thread revealed to us that they never expected their question to leave such a huge impact online. They were very surprised by how quickly it got popular.
"I watch a lot of AskReddit videos on YouTube, and most of them lean towards horror or weird things people have seen. It got me thinking about if I’d ever witnessed anything creepy or messed up, and I realized that some of my childhood memories are a bit 'traumatic' as some people have told me! This example was just one of those things that I had completely forgotten about until watching those videos on YouTube," u/NeitherEntrepreneur3 explained how they got the inspiration to create the thread in the first place.
#19
In October 2001, my fam and I went to Disneyworld. I was 6 years old, my brother was 1. One night, we’re at some restaurant in the park, and I get chicken fingers and fries. For whatever reason, I didn’t finish my dinner. My dad was b*tching to my mom about how I wasn’t finishing the expensive chicken fingers (I have no idea how much the chicken fingers and fries cost on the kids menu, but it can’t be more than $30 in 2001 I’m guessing).
Anyway, my dad leaves the table for about 5 minutes, comes back and whispers to me “hey [name], I just saw a little boy sitting outside the kitchen missing his fingers. They were all bloody. I asked him what happened, and he said the chef cut’s off little boy’s fingers if they don’t eat their chicken fingers.” He then said that the chef told him that they turn little boy’s fingers into chicken fingers.
I was absolutely terrified. I didn’t want to have my fingers cut off. We left the restaurant, and I wouldn’t let go of my last chicken finger. I held onto that damn thing during the nightly fireworks over the castle, it was all I could think about. I refused to let my mom take the chicken finger out of my hand, I thought if I threw it away that the chef was gonna come cut off my fingers in the night.
Finally I had to go to the bathroom that night and my mom threw away the chicken tender. I completely forgot about that until last week and it just hit me with that feeling of “wtf.”
P.S., my brother and I haven’t had a relationship with our dad for several years (not because of the chicken tenders lol) but because he wasn’t really that great of a dad and has a 2nd family. Is it any wonder I’ve had chronic anxiety since I was around 5?
#20
Having an older brother that emotionally and physically abused me. My family was very much ‘all siblings fight it’s normal’ about all of the things he would do. He’s now 23 and recently diagnosed as having antisocial personality disorder.
27RatsStackedInATrenchcoat 4 months ago
This was my younger brother, can still remember my parents going "that's just how sibling love works"
#21
Apparently most parents don't just have a stick lying around somewhere on every floor that they primarily use to beat their kids with.
Nikki Gross 4 months ago (edited)
My Dad had a leather belt that he ALWAYS wore no matter what. We all knew that any little thing could set him off and off came the belt. One of the first things we did after he was killed was tear it up and throw it into the trash. If setting on fire was an option, we would have burned that damn thing up. I had an incredibly complicated relationship with my Dad and learning after I had grown up about his life, I realized he NEVER stood a chance. It in no way justified his actions, but at least I understand what led him to being the person that he turned out to be as an Adult.
Which of the stories shared in this list left the biggest impact on you, dear Pandas? What are some childhood experiences that left a deeply negative effect on you? Were there any experiences that you saw with fresh eyes once you grew up?
There's absolutely no pressure, but if you have a moment and want to open up, feel free to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.
#22
That I was expected to care for my little brother who was 8 years younger than me and my grandma with dementia. My dad worked long hours and my mom worked in the basement all day. During the summer I cooked, cleaned and took care of everything while they worked. Even gave my grandma insulin shots and changed her adult diapers. This started at age 12 and went until I was 15. That’s f****d up.
#23
Does being a teen count as being part of my childhood? Being 14 and men in their 20s driving slowly behind me and asking me out or waiting outside my school and following me after school. I was so flattered back then. I know how gross it is now. Or when I was 16 and we were in a community picnic of hundreds of people and a group of guys in their early 20s thinking it was funny when they waited outside the bathroom for me and my friend and one of them hugging me from behind and grabbing my breasts while the the rest of the group laughed. Some of these guys I’ve known for a while too. And honestly I didn’t realize how much sexual abuse I went through until I was an adult. Some of the abuse was as early as maybe 3 or 4 years old.
#24
Apparently, not everyone was babysat by bar staff every night. My mother used to distract me by giving my quarters to play on the touch screen bar top games. Staff used to give me free cherry cokes. While she drank and danced and talked to guys.
The Big Bad 4 months ago
Jeez... My first thought was that the mom needed to work and maybe had no other option then to bring her kid. But at the end it becomes clear that she just wanted to party... :(
#25
That every time I left the house I smelled like an ashtray because my parents were such heavy smokers. I’m 75 and never smoked. They died at 55/70 from emphysema. Don’t smoke! Or at the very least, not around your kids.
#26
It took me until I was 37 to understand how unhealthy my relationship was with my mother. My whole life she treated me as a friend not her child. My counselor called it parental emotional molestation. The woman is an alcoholic. I feel like I was never a kid. I became a mother at 15.
#27
My parents fighting all the time. Like yelling-level fighting.
My parents thinking it was super normal to raise me in a cult. They showed me pictures of Armageddon with fireballs coming down from the sky and killing everyone that wasn’t in our specific, tiny meaningless religion. Even all my friends from school.
My dad having no interest in spending time with us. He would purposefully work as much as possible so he didn’t have to be home. We tried getting into mustangs and Led Zeppelin just so we’d have something to talk to him about.
Alexia 4 months ago (edited)
Yelling and insulting each other all the time, slamming doors at 6 A.M., then involving the child in their fights: "You are a lazy b***h, like your father!" "This idiotic behavior is something you learn from your b****y mother!" I used to think this was normal. Later I spent a few days at some friends' house and I thought "they must be fighting and yelling like everybody else, but now they are just pretending all is good".
#28
I had no idea it's not normal to bring your mom to bed, who was crying uncontrollaby the whole day, when I was 14. Threatening with suicide. At the same time my dad was making extra money with dealing and he had a stash in my rooms ceiling..I would lie awake, acting like I was sleeping and watch him sneak around in my room.
#29
My father making me choose if I would stay with him or my mom. When I was 5. I normally stayed with him and would visit my mom on the weekends. This is after our place burned down and I was sent to live with my grandparents for a while. When my dad came back to pick me up, he and my mom were no longer together and I got no explanation, just a statement of fact.
I’m a father myself, and both my parents died last year. I’ve gotten more details over the years and the realization that I chose the wrong parent so many years ago is one of those things that can just make you think….
#30
I don’t think mine is as messed up as others but when my parents got divorced my parents split me and my siblings up. Dad got my older siblings and my mom got me and my brother. My mom moved to a state over and I didn’t really meet my dad until I was 5? I always thought my stepdad was my dad lol (we aren’t the same ethnicity either) I always thought all divorced parents split their kids up and couldn’t live in the same state lol.
What do you think ?
Livingwithcfs 4 months ago
What I'm getting from these is abuse is way more common than we are willing to admit. This should be part of the school curriculum, to help kids work out if abuse is happening in their home and what they should do if something is happening and support systems are there and strong enough to help those kids. It's hard for kids to recognize abuse at home, it's a case of nit seeing the wood for all the trees
similarly 4 months ago
I think that's really important. I was whipped with a belt as a kid, but it was the 70s, and pretty much every boy I knew was spanked, paddled, whipped or switched, and quite a few got slaps. We knew punching and kicking was crossing a line, but we also knew it happened. I knew kids who blamed themselves: "Well, he wouldn't have done it if I hadn't ..." And other kinds of abuse were just too shameful to talk about. We knew it was wrong, but I felt I couldn't talk to anyone about it. It would help a lot of kids if adults started the conversation.
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similarly 4 months ago
I think the people who can share their stories are strong and brave. I'm old now, and all those things are decades behind me, but I just can't talk about it, even now.
Tiny Dancer 4 months ago
I'm 60. Went to my first therapy session last week. It's never too late!
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Lydsylou (she/her) 4 months ago
I have nothing that compares to any of this. This is all absolutely awful and vile behaviour from who are supposed to be these children's role models and caregivers
Livingwithcfs 4 months ago
What I'm getting from these is abuse is way more common than we are willing to admit. This should be part of the school curriculum, to help kids work out if abuse is happening in their home and what they should do if something is happening and support systems are there and strong enough to help those kids. It's hard for kids to recognize abuse at home, it's a case of nit seeing the wood for all the trees
similarly 4 months ago
I think that's really important. I was whipped with a belt as a kid, but it was the 70s, and pretty much every boy I knew was spanked, paddled, whipped or switched, and quite a few got slaps. We knew punching and kicking was crossing a line, but we also knew it happened. I knew kids who blamed themselves: "Well, he wouldn't have done it if I hadn't ..." And other kinds of abuse were just too shameful to talk about. We knew it was wrong, but I felt I couldn't talk to anyone about it. It would help a lot of kids if adults started the conversation.
Load More Replies... similarly 4 months ago
I think the people who can share their stories are strong and brave. I'm old now, and all those things are decades behind me, but I just can't talk about it, even now.
Tiny Dancer 4 months ago
I'm 60. Went to my first therapy session last week. It's never too late!
Load More Replies... Lydsylou (she/her) 4 months ago
I have nothing that compares to any of this. This is all absolutely awful and vile behaviour from who are supposed to be these children's role models and caregivers
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