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When Elizabeth Aura McClintock, Ph.D., who, among many other areas, researches mating selection, gender, and sexuality, conducted a nationally representative survey of about 15,000 young women and men (average age 22), she found that to 82 percent of men (and 84 percent of women), being married someday is "very" or "somewhat" important.
Additionally, young women and men differ little in reported relationship commitment. "Gender differences do exist among young adults in the...data, but they do not indicate an insurmountable rift between women's and men's desired romantic trajectories," the sociologist explained.
However, that doesn't mean that guys have it all figured out. They still experience doubts. So when one Reddit post asked fellas to share their biggest insecurity as boyfriends and husbands, many agreed to show vulnerability and obliged.
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#1
that i will never find a woman as awesome as the one I just buried...
I miss my best friend...
RELATED:
#2
The fact that I’m about to be a stay at home dad and her parents keep bothering me about what I’m gonna do. She’ll makes significantly more than I ever could and there’s literally no point in me working anymore. I just don’t like being judged.
#3
That I cannot fix every problem they have and that I am not always the problem when they’re upset. I have to let them be upset and understand it’s not always me and it’s okay to just listen to them.
#4
That I am not good enough, in any sense of the word, and that my partner is "just settling" because I'm stable.
Can't help but feel sometimes they're just waiting for something better to come alone, ya know?
#5
The person she tells you not to worry about. Trust me, we know. We can see the change in subtle behaviour and the feeling of 'losing' her.
censorshipsucks 1 year ago (edited)
Yep, your instincts are probably right. And there's nothing you can do about it. Just confront her directly. I did this. I said "I see you seem happier around so-and-so. If you want to be with him and he'll make you happy I will step out the way. But don't waste my time keeping me around if you are done with me." It hurts like f**k and there's really nothing you can do about it. Assaulting him or whatever will not stop it, it will just make it obvious that you are the AH and that he's the poor victim. All you can do is try be the best version of you possible. Listen to her empathically. Focus on your career when you are not around. Pursue your hobbies that don't involve leaving her alone for hours (ie drop fishing and hiking if she doesn't enjoy those). If he still hovers around and she still seems keen on him, call it quits and give yourself a year or two to get over it.
#6
I play with my daughter all the time but at the end of the day, she always prefers mummy.
censorshipsucks 1 year ago
that's ok I have a similar issue with my kids. Each kid will select a parent they prefer for subtle reasons.
#7
That im too ugly for someone as bright as her. The times i overheard ppl saying we're an unmatching pair is uncountable
censorshipsucks 1 year ago
if SHE chooses to be with you, then that is waht counts. I've found that women are not that interested in how a man looks but more what his qualities are like other than that.
#8
Not knowing why the f they would ever love me. So there must be a other reason and it can't be money.
#9
I am nothing but a collection of insecurities
#10
That it isn’t real. Just someone having fun with a guy who’s gullible enough to let himself think he found somebody who actually cares for him
censorshipsucks 1 year ago
that's sad but think about it this way. You are with someone. If she doesn't value you and drops you at some stage, you already know the ropes and managed to find someone. You'll find a new someone again. Don't stress about it. Is there something specific that makes you feel like she doesn't care? It's possible also that she's a narcissist. Does she ever ask you about your mental states/happiness levels?
#12
Giving them the feeling of not being there for them enough.
I tend to be very quiet and introverted. I've been told several times that I'm too much in my head and that they have the feeling I'm not "actually there". But I try to work on it and be more open about my feelings and stuff
censorshipsucks 1 year ago
This is very important. This destroyed my marriage. Please go get tested for ASD. Try empty your thoughts and try engage her in conversation. If this is too difficult, then at least try do it when you are around her, and spend the rest of your time at the office so you feel less pressure to do this.
#13
That I'm not worthy of her. She's the total package and I'm just... me. What makes it really crazy is that we have been together for almost 34 years and I still feel this way. In no way, shape, or form has she shown me that this might be true. She's literally the perfect partner.
Labellesouris 1 year ago
Time to take a breath buddy...and maybe a nice trip to celebrate year 35!
#14
Being able to afford my family the life the deserve, because they deserve it
LongCoolWomanInABlackDress 1 year ago
Your wife can contribue to that as well. Why do men still think their only value is in providing abd they need to be the sole provider?
#15
My biggest insecurity is breaking down the walls and letting someone in. I've only ever managed to fully do that once, and that girl basically just told me her problems will always trump mine, and I should just stop bringing them up to her because she doesn't care. (Pretty much word for word what she said)
#16
I married her because she is the only woman I have been with that actually makes all my insecurities go away.
#17
That one day, out of seemingly nowhere, they’ll no longer care for me. And when it happens, it hurts
Fluffy mommy panda 1 year ago
I think everyone is afraid of this to some point or they think about it. It something anyone would about when you need help or are having health issues and such.
#18
Well I quit my job to pursue my dream of owning my own business but it's going to take a long time to get there so right now, I'm just a stay at home dad.
I thought it'd feel awesome being at home and being with my daughter while my wife works. It is awesome being with my daughter each day but man I feel kinda crappy now being a stay at home dad, like I'm not doing my part as a husband and father.
#19
For me it's feeling like i'm a drag on my partners life. I have several health issues that leave me in extreme pain near constantly, constantly sleep deprived and without any energy or motivation to do anything besides lay in bed and watch tv or listen to music while cuddling with my girlfriend. Meanwhile my girlfriend is a perfectly healthy, energetic and full of life young adult who wants new experiences and doesn't want to spend a minute more than she needs to resting. I try my best to keep up and if i can't do a certain activity she wants to try, i actively encourage her to do whatever it is she is wanting to do (i.e go to an amusement park, go on a road trip, go carting, activities like that) with her friends, but at the end of the day the unavoidable truth is i am a damper on her life and i don't see why someone like that is willing to be in a relationship with someone like me.
Kurichfield 1 year ago
She must really love you for who you are and not what she can do with you...
#20
That I'll be made fun of if I'm vulnerable. It's happened before, and it's hard to really trust like that again. You wonder "will this be held against me?" wether it's teasing or in a fight. or if she'll tell her friends.
Luna Crow 1 year ago
This really sucks, and sadly sounds like a product of toxic masculinity/femininity. Men should not be afraid to be vulnerable and talk about their feelings, nor should women use private information as a weapon or gossip. When will society stop reinforcing these stereotypes?
#21
Why me? Why not somone else? What do i have that you would like?
Kathryn Baylis 1 year ago
You know, you can always just ask her. She may love talking about it. Of course, you will then have to tell her why you chose her, so be prepared.
#22
Not being enough for her. I know I work my butt of at work, emotionally supportive, and giving goals and lead way to what’s next in life. However, there’s always that voice that says you need to be more, it’s not enough, try harder. So, I push the living hell outta myself.
censorshipsucks 1 year ago
she probably doesn't want that from you. She probably wants you to be present. So at night instead of sitting on news, games or social media, just sit next to her and be there.
#23
My wife had cancer and now is in remission. I never felt more useless than when we were at the hospital and they told us and I just couldn’t do anything to fix it. I had to hope that someone else could help save my wife’s life. I couldn’t just beat the cancer up or yell at it or tell it to leave her alone, I felt f*****g useless.
#24
The lack of money that I make.
Firstname Lastname 1 year ago
We've had this issue for the past few years. Yes, it is tough, and he is working his hardest to help pay for things. But I make a point to find activities that are free or super cheap for us to do together, because a relationship isn't all about money. I don't need to jetset to be with my mate.
#25
That i’m still a piece of ✨*Garbage*✨
Kurichfield 1 year ago
We all garbage but just garbage in the places that don't seem to matter to her. One person's trash is another person's treasure.
#26
- Not being as good a provider as I know I could be. What am I working *for,* anyway?
- Empathy. She tells me her troubles and my only thought is: How can I fix them? She doesn't want me to fix them, she just wants me to listen and care.
Kurichfield 1 year ago
This is the lesson so many need to learn. Active listening and empathy.
#27
She’s such a better parent than I am. Between my temper and my size, both of my girls have this “don’t p**s off dad” mentality. It’s effective in the heat of the moment, but I watch her interacting with them and I feel completely inadequate as a parent.
Edit: As there seems to be a commonality in the comments here, I’ll note that I have been seeking professional help for both the PTSD and the anger management issues at the core of this. I want to be a better parent for my children, and it’s clear that I need professional help to get there.
Kate Jones 1 year ago
I was afraid of my father growing up and it affected our relationship even now. I think the trick is to counter the behavior with good times with them, too. Play with them as much as you can. When you're in a good mood, be that with them. And, I can't stress it enough (especially for daughters), make them feel like they are pretty to you. Like they are important to you. My father was angry all the time and I thought I was always doing something wrong. A kid doesn't understand psychological issues an adult may have. My dad rarely countered that with fun times/positivity. And I always felt ugly to him. As I hit puberty I gained a tiny bit of weight and he made fun of me or made me feel like I needed to compare myself to other girls. I developed a huge complex because of it. He always says he's proud of me, but he's talking about work. But I'm a disappointment because I''m overweight and not married. I know being pretty isn't everything, but feeling ugly from your dad, it's horrible.
#28
The amount of attention she receives. In my head, I can't compete with any of the guys who openly go after her. And I genuinely think she would not give me the time of day if she didn't have a child I am great with.
censorshipsucks 1 year ago
Does she openly and happily and joyfully receive those attentions from other men? Or does she rebuff them? That's the most important question. If she doesn't rebuff them, tell her it makes you uncomfortable and ask her to try think of how you feel. If she scorns that request, leave her.
#29
The potential your wife might leave you is especially concerning.
censorshipsucks 1 year ago (edited)
She will leave you if (a) you are absent (check-out of the relationship psychologically, or do not meaningfully engage psychologically and verbally when you are around her) (b) you are abusive (c) you both do not have a job and you blame her for it (d) you do not pull your weight in other ways e.g. leave messes around the place (e) you cheat (f) you become or are a druggie or alkie. I think those are the main issues that women leave men over.
#30
Why pick me when you have 50 other opportunities at a moment's notice lol
#31
Not being good enough. I’ve felt this way all my life to the point where it’s my normal. This is because of the way my family and friends treated me in the past. So, it was a bit of a shock when my girlfriend treated me the complete opposite way by loving me and telling me that I’m more than enough for her. The feeling of inadequacy comes up from time to time and i still have not fully dealt with it. I am really lucky though to have her as my girl.
Kate Jones 1 year ago
For what it's worth, this happens to women, too. Any time a guy has ever hit on me in the past I think he's joking or that it's not real or it's a joke. It's from years of insecurity and treatment at home. It's been a struggle my whole life to think that when people are nice to me it's not just because they want something. My only advice is to try and think better of yourself. Once you work on that, accepting love and positive attention becomes easier. But it will probably be something you struggle with regularly. Try and keep in mind this person is with you because they love you and no one would be with you that long if they weren't happy.
#32
Dying young and having another man raise my children and f**k my wife. It's all the encouragement I need to live healthy.
censorshipsucks 1 year ago
Totally. But remember she's not your property, she's a human with her own will and decisions and her body belongs to her. If she offers it to someone else, that's her decision and she is not in fact your property or your sex slave. The legitimate concern you have is WHO she chooses and what kind of stepdad he will be to your kids. If that concerns you, then work really hard on keeping her. The most important thing is to be present. Be around her. Be interested in what she says, how she feels, and what she's doing. Don't drift off into space thinking about your next fishing trip.
#34
I know it is unlikely but dying at the wrong time. Like driving the family somewhere or she is at work (she works odd hours) and it is just me and the kids. I had this walking nightmare for years of me getting like a stroke while driving down the highway and sliding out of control with everyone screaming or me just keeling over at home while my kids sit with my corpse for 6 hours.
As for why maybe it is because I like problem solving stuff for them and one day that is going to go away.
#35
my entire lack of libido
What do you think ?
Csaba Hegedűs 1 year ago
BP taking a break from bashing men in the posts feels like a breath of fresh air for a change.
Mike Crow 1 year ago
For many many years my depression has told me that my family would be better off if I wasn’t here. That it is the noble and correct course to end it all. (Note: I am getting help but the thought does remain)
Lauren Caswell 1 year ago
The world only has one you in it. And that means you are irreplaceable
Load More Replies...
Csaba Hegedűs 1 year ago
BP taking a break from bashing men in the posts feels like a breath of fresh air for a change.
Mike Crow 1 year ago
For many many years my depression has told me that my family would be better off if I wasn’t here. That it is the noble and correct course to end it all. (Note: I am getting help but the thought does remain)
Lauren Caswell 1 year ago
The world only has one you in it. And that means you are irreplaceable
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