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Men Are Sharing 30 Red Flags That Women Should Look Out For If They Don’t Want To End Up In Awful Relationships
Whether we like it or not, the first impression really does matter. We tend to make a whole bunch of immediate judgments about people within the first few seconds of meeting them. The way they dress, how they smile, the way they speak, and their body language all quickly add up into a broad picture of what we think about the person… and if we date them. And even though some initial impressions end up being false, quite a few of them turn out to be right on the money.
Redditor u/xDarkPhoenix8161x created a viral thread on r/AskReddit where they asked men to share some of the biggest red flags that women should look out for in men they might want to date. The responses were incredibly honest and give an unfiltered glimpse into the insecurities and toxicity that some men carry with them throughout their lives.
Scroll down to read what people said, Pandas, and if you’d like to share some other immediate red flags people should be wary of, feel free to do so in the comments. And above everything, just remember to trust your gut: if you instinctively know something might be wrong, it probably is.
Dating expert Dan Bacon, the founder of The Modern Man project, explained to Bored Panda what it means if a guy doesn't want to introduce his girlfriend to his family and friends. He also shared his thoughts about how men who always see themselves as victims can move on from this and develop genuine confidence and learn to take responsibility for their actions.
"If a man is serious about a woman, he will almost always want to introduce her to his family or friends within the first few months," he told us. Scroll down to have a read through Dan's insights.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
This is one most women learn themselves around high school but still worth mentioning now. If he’s an a*****e to everyone but you, that doesn’t mean he thinks you’re special. It means he is an a*****e but knows how to not be an a*****e in order to get laid.
Dan, the mastermind behind The Modern Man and an expert in dating and relationships, told Bored Panda that there are some exceptions to introducing your girlfriend to your social circle. "There can be times when he won’t introduce her to them for much longer, even though he is serious about the relationship and loves her." Context is important.
He gave some examples:
- "There is drama in his family that he doesn’t want her to be aware of.
- His family doesn’t respect him, or treat him well and he doesn’t want to be embarrassed in front of them.
- He’s not close to his family and doesn’t see them as important in his life.
- His ex-girlfriend caused a lot of problems for him and his family, so he wants to spend more time with his new girlfriend before introducing her.
- He has a personal belief that a woman should only be introduced to his family if he intends to marry her and he’s not quite sure about marrying her yet."
There's also no set time, when we 'should' introduce our partners to the people we care about most. "It’s more of a gut instinct. If it feels right, do it. If it doesn’t, then delay it," Dan said to trust our gut.
#2
If he’s cheating on someone else with you, he will absolutely cheat on you with someone else.
#3
If he claims all his exes were “crazy” or similar. Think for a second about what was the common factor in all those relationships: him.
Ansi 2 years ago
My first experience with a "nice guy" was exactly this. I didn't know guys could be that way and found it romantic that I quickly became "the one" after many crazy ex. I blame me reading"Romantic books" as they are really bad for young girls, they introduce a lot of toxic behaviour as normal and acceptable and even romantic. I learned really quick that books are not real life...
Meanwhile, we really wanted to get to grips with the fact that some guys blame everyone else but themselves when something goes wrong. Bored Panda was interested to get the dating expert's thoughts on victimhood and confidence.
"Unfortunately, some people never get past that level of personal development and as a result, ruin relationships their entire life. It really takes a lot of motivation and follow-through to overcome that kind of behavior, which a lot of people simply don’t have," Dan, from The Modern Man, was candid that this level of change takes massive amounts of effort and time.
"However, if a man were to have that kind of motivation and willingness to follow through, he should set goals for himself and work towards achieving them no matter what. When he does that, he will begin to realize the amount of personal control and influence he has over his life," he said.
"A man like that will rarely overcome his victim mentality the first time he achieves a goal though. In almost all cases, he’ll need to keep achieving goals and will then gradually become a man who feels totally accountable for his life and doesn’t need to play the victim and blame others for his problems, or lack of success," dating expert Dan noted that it's a long process and deep change won't happen overnight. However, that still sounds motivational and optimistic to us.
#4
Avoid people who are very polite and charming when they *want* something from those 'above' them, but are arrogant and demanding when they think they can *take* something from those 'below' them.
People who 'smile up' and 'kick down' are the worst.
#5
Tried to find a less common one.
For people looking for a long term partner:
Beware when someone complains about everything and is seemingly the victim in every situation.
This is the type of person that will very quickly blame you if anything goes wrong, and is likely s******g on you to other people already. Secondly, it means you will be perpetually drained by the negativity over the long haul.
Elijah Morningwood 2 years ago
Excuse me how did an internet stranger perfectly describe my father??? 🤔😂
#6
One saying I've always lived by is: Pay attention to how they treat waitresses. How they treat waitresses today is how they will treat you in 6 months.
Some guys have a very hard time admitting when they’re wrong and taking responsibility for their actions. They’re always the victim. They’re super defensive. And they’re always right—it’s everyone else who’s wrong. It’s really no way to live because you’re smothering your potential, existing in fear, and lashing out at the people closest to you.
Previously, fitness expert and entrepreneur Jack Bly, from the US, shared his thoughts with Bored Panda on the importance of self-reflection, improvement, confidence, and moving past a victim mentality.
"Do one thing and progress at it to prove you’re not a victim. Lift weights. Help someone. Advance your career. Have a successful relationship. When you’re successful in one area, you build confidence in yourself and that will translate to all of your life," he explained to us that building confidence starts with small steps. That’s the way to stop being a victim, according to him.
Fitness expert Jack noted that we all need time to adjust to the positive changes we’re making in life. "Your brain needs proof around your new identity,” he said.
#7
Inability to clean up after themselves or do common household tasks
#9
Pushing small boundaries that aren’t a “big deal.” Then, once called out on it, backpedaling, apologizing for it and then DOING IT AGAIN.
According to him, real confidence is a skill that anyone can learn. However, it’s something that will take persistence, patience, and time. It won’t happen overnight.
"Confidence comes from repetition and mastery. The more you do ANYTHING, the more confident you become. The good news about this is everyone is capable of earning confidence," he told Bored Panda.
Self-reflection, for the fitness expert, is a vital component of improving one’s life. "Responding to failure is all about the story we tell ourselves. Do you tell yourself that you are a failure? Or do you tell yourself you failed, have now gotten feedback, and know how to get better? It’s all our perspective," he stressed that how we think, how we see ourselves, shapes who we are and how we act.
Embracing failure and seeing our mistakes as learning opportunities is the mature way of responding to what life might throw at us. Instead of throwing a temper tantrum or blaming ourselves for being ‘failures,’ we ought to realize that everything’s a temporary setback that we can definitely overcome.
#10
I defer to Chris Rock: If you have been dating a guy for four months and you haven’t met any of his friends, you are not his girlfriend.
Paul Pienkowski 2 years ago
My girlfriend legit has zero desire to meet my friends. We've been together for four years. I keep offering, she just isn't very social and takes forever to get comfortable with others.
#11
A man that blames everyone else for his problems, lack of job, lack of friends, money, etc.
Somene that is unwilling to take personal responsibility for improving his situation in life.
CHRIS DOMRES 2 years ago
Kind of like unemployable white men who blame Mexican laborers for stealing the work?
#13
Sexual pressure after you directly reject an advance. Healthy people with your interests in mind only need to hear no one time and are respectful of boundaries if they bring it up again in the future.
#14
Refusing to admit that they could possibly be wrong. I have seen many men get super frustrated and aggressive over the idea that they could be possibly wrong about something.
To add onto this, many of these same men when presented with the proof of them being wrong they will either deflect or make it seem like it doesn't matter and that *you* were "making such a big deal about this".
We are all humans and we all make mistakes. I feel for many of these men they feel stupid and less "manly" if they are wrong about something. Being able to accept your mistakes and move on is a healthy trait.
Saico Hipe 2 years ago
Many men seem to (erroneously) believe that to admit to being wrong is a sign of weakness, as with many forms of vulnerability. A truly strong man is able to maintain a sense of humility, and to realize/embrace their mistakes as a way to grow and learn. No one is infallible, and one who tries to pretend they are is in fact displaying an extremely weak character.
#15
If he checks your phone without permission, that to me is a huge red flag.
#16
These apply to everyone not just men.
Final score:
278points
Bored Retsuko 2 years ago (edited)
Most of them, yes. Edit: I'd like to elaborate a bit... The crucial thing is whether or not there is a power gap within the relationship. I've seen several pandas comment that their parents had such toxic traits (and so did mine). Clearly, between a parent (male or female) and a child, there's a power gap. Also, traditionally (and physically) there is a power gap in heterosexual relationships; that's why pointing out such red flags to women is a good thing, and if a man's knee jerk reaction is "but applies to women, too!", it may be a case of downplaying and minimizing this fact, as someone pointed out in the comments. But of course it is COMPLETELY possible to end up in a dependent relationship with a toxic female person; it's just much more frequent in heterosexual relationships to be on the woman's expense. Hope I got my point across... I didn't mean to offend or downplay anyone's experience. 🏳
#17
Suddenly flying off the handle at a minor inconvenience. It's one thing to stub your toe at the end of a bad day and give the table a whack. It's another if every moment of stress or misfortune triggers rage.
#19
Does he talk about always being ready to fight if necessary? Then he's a lunatic. Well adjusted people in things like MMA don't want to fight randomly and don't seek it out outside of the sport of it. Half the point is to have a place for your aggression in a controlled setting.
OhForSmegSake 2 years ago (edited)
This can come from a place of trauma. People who've grown up or spent a long time being a victim of violence can feel like if they don't seem like they're always ready to defend themselves against physical attack they're automatically vulnerable.
#20
If he is overtly angry when you talk to other people, (specifically other men) that's a major red flag and he's probably gonna start to be possessive over you by not letting you talk to anyone else.
#21
If he talks about his ex too much. As someone who was in love with an ex for way too long, I was not ready for a relationship with anyone else.
#22
Only talks about themselves
#23
I’ll die on this hill: every man I’ve ever known who was an *outspoken* feminist was horrible to women behind the scenes.
Tim Pateman 2 years ago
Much better to be a feminist by action - get on with raising the kids, cooking the meals, or just going down on a woman.
#24
Emotional manipulation, trying to guilt trap you
Saico Hipe 2 years ago
The pedant in me wanted to say, "I think you mean guilt *trip,*" but after thinking about it a moment, 'guilt trap' also works. Perhaps even better 🤔
#25
If a guy tells you he's no good, listen.
Bored Retsuko 2 years ago (edited)
I disagree. Someone who says this might simply suffer from low self-esteem. Not great but not necessarily a horrible thing... The idea is to lower the other person's expectations because one is afraid to be seen as a disappointment lateron... typical coping mechanism if you were never good enough when you grew up. Source: been there, done that.
#26
His hyper focus on money. While this might be a plus in some women's opinion, this can also be a HUGE red flag.
I knew some men that was so focused on money they tried to put a price on everything, even a woman, her actions, her respect and what he is allowed to do simply because he pays for it.
This has serious ramifications due to him keeping track of everything he does for a woman and coming up with some weird idea that you owe him when things start to fall apart in the relationship.
Just keep an eye out.🚩🚩🚩
#27
If he doesn't put in an effort to make you happy. It doesn't have to make you happy whatever he does but the fact he's putting in the effort means he truly cares about you enough that he cares about your mental health as well. Goes both ways.
#28
If they wear sunglasses at night. You should never masquerade with the guy in the shades
#29
Calls himself a feminist and apologizes on behalf of men. Political nice guy red flag. Bonus points if he apologize for being a man himself. He's trying to get in someone's pants.
This is not a call out of men who are feminist but those that wear the label but only engage in call out hot takes ie feels good in the moment but does the opposite of helping anything.
#30
Goes for both sexes... If the person has no hobbies. Now you are their new hobby.
What do you think ?
jonathan rasco 2 years ago
How are these exclusive to men though? As if it's okay when women show the same red flags.
Vera1 2 years ago (edited)
It’s is not. However, unfortunately, the vast majority of domestic abusers are men. And the vast majority of victims of those men are women. Therefore, it’s even more imperative that we educate women about red flags in men that often escalate into abuse.
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jonathan rasco 2 years ago
How are these exclusive to men though? As if it's okay when women show the same red flags.
Vera1 2 years ago (edited)
It’s is not. However, unfortunately, the vast majority of domestic abusers are men. And the vast majority of victims of those men are women. Therefore, it’s even more imperative that we educate women about red flags in men that often escalate into abuse.
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