Not putting in the effort that is expected.

My wife put in all the effort and I didn't try hard enough.

daftvaderV2 , cottonbro studio Report

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DennyS (denzoren)

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Props for acknowledging it...it ain't a one-way street.

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Being emotionally and psychologically abused by a narcissist....should have run many, many years ago.

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Bewarethere@gmail.com

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Same here trust me it'll be really hard initially (it's what's you've known for years) but trust me u will feel sooooo much better in the end

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Getting married when I was too young, 21, not old enough to know a lot of things that I should have known.

JerryTexas52 , Emma Bauso Report

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zak

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Your brain isn't even done developing yet. I never understood why people get married so young. What's the rush?

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Shockingly, not much. My marriage only lasted 5 or 6 years. I made a poor choice in women, or rather I ignored the red flags that were waving in my face like a Communist parade.

Thing is though, I wouldn't change any of the marriage part of it. My X-Wife turned out to be more awful that I thought though. When my gay kid came out (over a decade after we split), she actually told her "Why don't you try being normal" which still pisses me off to this day. But again, I don't regret the time I spent with her. It helped forge me into who I am. While it all went down in flames, I learned a lot in those few brief years and I ended up with a kid who I love with all my heart. She's the best part of my life. She also doesn't even see her mother anymore. Once that whole "be normal" thing went down, that was it.

I regret very little of my life. I've had a great one. Even now at middle age, I'm not going to sit here and look back wondering "what if?". Of course I could have made some better choices. A lot of them in fact. But as long as you learn from your mistakes, these aren't wasted experiences. I'm not the smartest guy in the room, but I never make the same mistake twice. And I feel like regret, wondering what might have been, fawning over the past, it's all a waste of the present. At least that's how I try to live.

ZZoMBiEXIII , cottonbro studio Report

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SirWriteALot

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That's a healthy way to see things. You are forged by what you went through and if you changed something in the past, you probably wouldn't have the great things you are now grateful for.

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Thinking that the things that bothered me about her would fade. Or she would change. Boy was I wrong. Every single surface is covered in c**p, I am about to divorce someone for being too messy.

MattClausePetit , Polina Zimmerman Report

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DennyS (denzoren)

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The red flags just become redder.

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I was manipulated into marrying a woman that turned out to be profoundly violently mentally ill. I knew she had issues but had no idea how severe. I should have trusted my gut instinct. The final time 20 years ago she was committed to a psych ward I grabbed custody and a restraining order.

Always trust your instincts.

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Robin DJW

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This.

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My wife and I both agree: we got married because our families, and society in general, expected it. We have no regrets--our marriage is pretty good--but the relationship isn't *better* in any way for us being married.

Married or not, we're definitely happier together than apart, though.

ProbablyLongComment , Dương Nhân Report

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Ace

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This doesn't sound like they have any regrets at all.

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Biggest regret is not pushing to meet her family sooner. We dated for 6 years long distance before I saw her mom and dad and sister interact at a dinner table.

It revealed so much about my wife’s behaviors, mannerisms, stigmas that I previously could not wrap my head around. Her parents were unbelievably toxic to one another’s and her sister was unhinged.

We’re still married and happy with a child on the way but it would have been nice to know about her family history of mental illness and her parent’s loveless marriage and all the neglect my wife suffered prior.

I remember talking to my dad about her and the best way I could describe her was that occasionally for weeks/months on end she turned into a house cat.

She would do nothing just eat and sleep, mindlessly watched tv and social media for 12-16 hours a day, refuses to do even simple tasks. And then like a switch she would be normal again and contribute as if nothing happened.

Turns out her mom is diagnosed with ADHD and depression, her sister is diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD and her dad is a literal hoarder and while not medically diagnosed has done some pretty messed up things that has me thinking he has no ability to feel empathy….

Pudii_Pudii , August de Richelieu Report

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Texmaam

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Horrible to find out later. Happened to me.

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Not talking about boundaries before and ensuring I have enough space and time to myself.

SaysPooh , Ron Lach Report

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Kraneia The Dancing Dryad

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That seems to be a problem that happens a lot. I tend to need more space that what people are willing to give me. It's like if they aren't practically up my nose 24/7 they aren't happy. If I don't automatically like something they're interested in (like movies, or certain genres of books for instance) they stop doing it (even though I assure them they don't need my permission and should have their own hobbies as well as stuff we can do together!) and then they get resentful that I "made them give up" something they liked to do....

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Not cohabiting first.

rolypolydoughy , Pixabay Report

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DennyS (denzoren)

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I used to be like, nah, but you know what, I've changed my mind on this lol even if you don't live together you got to be aware of each others living habits and how you do things if that makes sense. I'm a neat orderly person...so that isn't gonna mesh with a super messy person lol

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I don’t mean this in an “Aw sweet” kind of way, but I wish I’d just done it sooner. I wanted to have a good job before we got married. But getting married wouldn’t have changed that, except maybe making it a little easier for us tax wise. We’d been together for 6 years and knew about 8 months in we were done looking. But. I had stupid young man pride.

My other regret, and she agrees, is the wedding. In hindsight it was a stupidly expensive party we didn’t get to enjoy.

kbean826 , Jonathan Borba Report

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DennyS (denzoren)

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Weddings are extremely expensive. Keep it small, private and then use the cash to do something as a couple. At least that's my opinion.

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Not divorcing sooner. I held out for years longer than was good for either of us and the children. It got ugly. In hindsight, I should have walked away with her saying that I gave up too soon rather than having put up with those last five years of truly vast quantities of money spent on marriage counseling that just made things worse, intense fights, bruises, concussion, and winter nights sleeping in the car.

RickKassidy , RDNE Stock project Report

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Pandaroo

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bruises?

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Getting married so quickly. We got married when I was 23 and he was just shy of 25. We’d only been together 10 months.

We had always planned to get married, just not THEN.

But then his very proper grandparents said that we should get married or they’d be disappointed, essentially stop seeing us, and we’d see no help from them. To this day I’m not sure what kind of help they thought we wanted.

So we got married.

BUT…..been married for 21 years (together for 22) and very happy together so I guess it worked out in the end.

Specialist_Risk2178 , Andrea Piacquadio Report

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DennyS (denzoren)

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It's great that it worked out.

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My gullibility in believing my wife and her family are capable of keeping their promises and saying what they mean.

bubonis , Ric Rodrigues Report

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Shetland Tony

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Vague

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Divorced here -

not trusting my instincts sooner.

I vividly remember telling her that she had the ability to "steam roll" my emotions and feelings. that was *before* we got married in 2001

cut to 4 years post divorce now in 2023, and her steamroller is larger and more abusive and meaner.

Optimal-Judgment-982 , Ron Lach Report

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Agat

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I have no idea what this means...

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The money spent on it. Worst part is, I kept telling my wife we could spend it on a nicer honeymoon, or a house, or literally anything, but to no avail. She now agrees, and in general is better with money than I am, but for whatever reason, that wedding venue, food and everything created a blind spot for her frugality.

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DennyS (denzoren)

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Weddings are very very expensive. I realized this when my best friend got married years ago so I can imagine with inflation what it costs now.

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Thinking I could cure his depression and PTSD and not realizing that he never was in love with me plus total sexual incompatibility.

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Diolla

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" I'll fix him! ". A mistake as old as time itself. Been there done that.

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We’re married during Covid, so we didn’t get a wedding. Feels silly to do one now, but I hate that I missed out.

DreadfulRauw , Dimitri Kuliuk Report

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similarly

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I knew a couple who, for their 30th anniversary, had a really lavish wedding to renew their vows.

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1st Marriage, no regrets about getting married with what I knew at the time, but I do regret how I handled her infidelity. I was far too conciliatory, and I think if I had been more firm with her in setting boundaries afterward, maybe we'd have actually made it (I doubt it, but in retrospect I think that was our only chance).

2nd marriage was just a mistake. We just weren't compatible. She's a good person, but we weren't good together. I knew this subconsciously before we got married, but I convinced myself that my misgiving were just "jitters." After I realized it (~6 months), should have ended it sooner (kept trying for 7 years-I/we had no chance).

I'm engaged now to a woman who makes me feel VERY differently about the relationship than I ever have, and this feels like "it's supposed to," if that makes any sense, but I still learned a lot from my past, and I'm using what I learned to make sure I don't repeat mistakes (I definitely accept my portion of the blame for things that went wrong-I've had a lot of time to think about them).

surgeon67 , Pixabay Report

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Bewarethere@gmail.com

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Hmm u might want to wait.....a while

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Letting my MIL push us around for a couple of years.

Garage-gym4ever , Emma Bauso Report

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DennyS (denzoren)

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You should never let your Magical Idealistic Lemur push you around.

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That this woman thought she owned my bank acct and should run my life and that I actually cooperated with her!

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DennyS (denzoren)

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I've never been married but with finances I assume you'll have personal accounts each and then like a joint account for bills etc.

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Not doing it sooner. We lived about 500 miles apart. I even resisted the long distance relationship for years. Everything can work. Everything can be worked around.

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SuperChicken

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True, things can work out. But sometimes, when the other person, even if still in the same relationship completely checks-out (emotionally and physicall) - It's doomed. It happened to me.

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Marrying the wrong person.

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DennyS (denzoren)

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I fear this every single day.

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Lack of sex, terrible finances, inconsistent child raising, and jealousy and lack of trust from her.

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DennyS (denzoren)

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If you ain't got two way trust you ain't got anything.

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For me, it is the constant compromising I do mentally. It probably the same in any kind of relationship but I lose the sense of independence and freedom for mental compromise as a partner. Not a big regret for me but the biggest one i can think of. It's good to remind oneself to take a me day every once and a while.

skullman_ps2 , Mike Greer Report

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Mia Black

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I really think it's the norm in many relationships to feel like constant compromising and sometimes (I say sometimes!), if one doesn't feel this way, it's because the partner does more "compromises" (Which aren't if only one has to stay back). I think this work is somehow necessary but it should be easier and more equal than I see it in relationships. It's a little saddening that relationships are sometimes exhausting but maybe they feel more exhausting because we have to less free time and energy. If we had more, it maybe wouldn't feel like this... Just thinking

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The person I married and the person I became.

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Combining finances.

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Carrie B

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I've been with my husband for 15 years married for 10. We've always had separate money/split the bills and have only had ONE disagreement, not even a fight, about money. We don't have kids so that might have made us combine accounts. If you can keep it separate, do it.

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Spending on a videographer. Not researching a good photographer.

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iseefractals

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When my buddy married his first wife about 15 years ago, they were shopping around for Videographers and photographers....and quickly decided it would be more financially responsible to spend the money on buying a pro-grade video camera, and just have the guests take turns on recording responsibilities. He still has the camera, that wife...not so much.

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Getting married. I love my wife and kids, and getting married probably saved my life. I feel like I'm not cut out for marriage, though, and I have so many days where I wish I just chose never to get married and have kids.

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similarly

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For a person in this situation, I think it might be helpful to get therapy. They may think they're wishing they never got married and never had kids, and I don't know, maybe that's really what they wish for ... but it's also possible they have some unresolved issues and this wish is kind of a deflection off that.

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Getting married, getting married without a pre nup.

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iseefractals

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When my wife and i got married, part of the paperwork included how we'd be treating our assets/money in the event of divorce: everything stays separate/join everything and split it down the middle or joint property is divided but everything we've brought that existed prior to the marriage remains our own. It wasn't a prenup, it was just like 3 check boxes on the paperwork while filing the marriage license.

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