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32 Men Answer The Question Of What Double Standards They Have Experienced That Women Never Do
Recently, Reddit user ENTPain made a post on the platform that challenged its users' assumptions and provided an opportunity to discuss the way society treats a group that is often thought to have the most beneficial position within it.
"What is a double standard that you have experienced as a guy but is seen as okay if you were a girl?" the post read. And it really struck a chord with people—men immediately started sending in their personal stories and reacting to each other's, so we thought we'd round up the most popular ones and ask you to share your take on them as well.
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#1
Kissing children. Got a rude awakening when I was in public with my nephew. He was being cute (as always) so I gave him a kiss on his forehead and cheeks.
Someone “politely” told me that it was weird that I was giving him affection like that and I was just shocked. I felt like if it was a girl they wouldn’t be told off about this.
I don’t care what the public thinks though, my nephew and my new niece are getting all the hugs and kisses from me, the cooler uncle.
Bored Panda got in touch with ENTPain to talk about masculinity and gender norms, and they agreed to have a little chat with us.
"I'm part of a female community here in Reddit where you can find wholesome content, some good memes and inside jokes that are focused on or for women," ENTPain recalled the origins of their now-viral post. "That day, I found [someone] tearing apart a guy because he was uncomfortable/didn't know how to feel about the girl he was currently dating ... I knew the post because I saw it earlier, and there were people saying horrible things about the girl, but the guy that posted it isn't responsible for that, you know? He was just expressing that he didn't know how to feel about it and was uncomfortable knowing this."
ENTPain was very confused, asking themselves questions like, "Were they invalidating this guy's boundaries?"
"Feminism supposedly supports equality, and that includes validating and accepting everyone; so why was it wrong for him to feel uncomfortable with something he wasn't okay with?" the Redditor wondered. "Why is it wrong for a guy to set boundaries? I ended up commenting on the post and I started getting downvoted for defending the guy and validating his boundaries. It made me think that this wasn't the only area where guys had to suffer because of double standards, so I ended up posting on r/AskReddit out of mere curiosity."
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#2
At a bar I used to go to, there was a chick, a total drunk, who would always sneak up behind me and grab my crotch. Once she even licked my ear while doing it. I wasn't amused in the slightest but everyone else seemed to think that was pretty f*cking funny. Pretty sure that wouldn't have flown if genders were reversed.
Isabelle Lamarque 2 years ago
Absolutely, if it was around the guy probably would've gotten arrested or at least banned from the bar 🙄 Sorry this happened to you.
#3
Not quite what the question is asking, but it iritates me as a father
When I take care of my daughter, doing simple things like feeding her or just skipping down the sidewalk or talking nonsense, people feel a need to tell me I'm "such a great father" and "wish there was men like you" like.... okay, you obviously have sh**ty people in your life, I'm doing my job, and it iritates my wife because she does the same thing and everyone just thinks it's normal
Tamra Stiffler 2 years ago
It takes time for people's minds to change. For so long, it's been the woman's role to be the care-giver in the family, that some people still find it a "novelty" to see a man doing this. I feel things are changing, though, and a lot of wonderful men are helping to push that change forward.
Even if we weren't talking about double standards, nowadays it's difficult to have a conversation about men or women without pitting them against each other. "I think the main point related to why there is so much negativity about equality is the misunderstanding of everything that the opposite sex has to go through," ENTPain said.
"There's a lot of stereotypes and stigmatization around what men and women are supposed to be, and a lot of those things that inherently we grew up with are taught by a lot of things in our surroundings, from family members to friends and the media. Having an open mind about all the issues that exist for both and accepting that not only women suffer from sexism is a great starting point. Women and men are different, of course, they are! But being 'built' differently shouldn't be seen as something negative. We are all humans, we all have a heart and a soul with a unique personality and have gone through a variety of experiences - none of us is less than the other in any way or for any kind of reason."
#4
Interacting with children in public.
I.E. a lost child, if a man tries to help, he is perceived as creepy at best, predatory at worst. While a female is just seen as caring and compassionate.
#5
Somehow when it comes to kids the mom is more important, one of my good friends is having a rough breakup after his girlfriend of 10+ years went on a retreat with her friends from college. She f*cked 10+ guys, got pregnant and did not know who, got agressive when my friend tried to reason with her because of the kids (they have 2, 4 year old and a 2 year old) and hit him hard enough in the face to chip a tooth.
When they seperated he filed for custody since, the judge called in favor of her, even after blaming the sex vacation on the copious amounts of drugs she did while she was at the retreat. She seemed a better parent to have sole custody over a boring dude that has a stable job, loves his kids more than anything and even after this whole ordeal did not want to destroy the ex for ruining his life.
K Lam 2 years ago
This is the fault of that judge. When people know someone higher up they can get away w this. Same when a man makes way more money than the woman they will likely get custody bc they know people. This is third world problems in a first world capitalist country. People can be bought.
The debate over how and why men and women are different and what that means for their roles in society has been around for a long time and it's far from settled.
According to a survey by the Pew Research Center, the majority of Americans say men and women are basically different in the way they express their feelings, their physical abilities, their personal interests, and their approach to parenting.
But there is no public consensus on the origins of these differences—while women who perceive differences generally attribute them to societal expectations, men tend to point to biology.
#6
My highschool girlfriend physically attacked me the day I broke up with her. In retrospect there were red flags but at the time it was completely unexpected.
She clawed at my face and sank her teeth into the inside of my thigh next to the groin. I had to punch her arm with all of my strength to get her to let go of me. It was horrible.
With the exception of my mom, no one I told gave the slightest sh*t about what had happened. In fact, I had to spend weeks concerned she would tell someone I'd victimized her.
She left threatening voicemails and stalked me at work for a couple of months afterwards. I also got a series of mysterious flat tires.
Again, no one cares. You're a man and you need to look after yourself.
troufaki13 2 years ago
Men can be victims of domestic violence. We need to start believing facts, not genders #teamjohnny
#7
I want to be the little spoon, idc that I’m 6’2” I just wanna be cuddled from behind like I’m in a little cocoon of happiness.
Isabelle Lamarque 2 years ago
I love being both. When I'm big spoon it feels like I'm saying I got you too babe, you're safe with me. We are safe 🤷🏻♀️🥰
Coming back to societal expectations, most men say men in general face at least some pressure to be emotionally strong (86%) and to be interested in sports (71%); about six-in-ten (57%) believe men face pressure to be willing to throw a punch if provoked, while smaller but sizable shares of men say men face pressure to join in when other men are talking about women in a sexual way (45%) and to have many sexual partners (40%).
Personally, ENTPain thinks that sexism and the unrealistic expectation of what 'a manly man' is supposed to be or what he is supposed to do are things that have a big negative impact on men.
And the Redditor has a point. Sociologist Raewyn Connell theorizes that common masculine ideals such as social respect, physical strength, and sexual potency become problematic when they set unattainable standards. Falling short can make boys and men insecure and anxious, which might prompt them to use force in order to feel, and be seen as, dominant and in control.
If we follow this line of thinking, we see that male violence doesn't come from something bad or toxic that has crept into the nature of masculinity itself. Instead, it stems from these men's social and political settings, the particularities of which set them up for inner conflicts over social expectations and male entitlement.
#8
women i know will often say they don’t like my beard. If I said to a lady I didn’t like something about their appearance, that would be awful.
#9
Calling a child cute. A child was being very playful in the store, and I (19M) mentioned to my friends "what a cute kid" and they all called me creepy. She was literally playing with a store product and stuffed animal talking in baby voice. If you think it's creepy to acknowledge that that is cute, then it's not me who's acting creepy
Tamra Stiffler 2 years ago
I think this situation speaks more to the lack of maturity of this guy's friends, rather than society as a whole. I just don't think this is a thing. I hear men call kids cute all the time, and think nothing of it.
ENTPain would love to experience a time with no gender double standards, but the Redditor thinks it's very hard to achieve because of the weight of all the wrong perspectives and ideas about men and women that we have been carrying through so many generations.
"Is it impossible? I don't think so. It may sound cliché, but the change starts with each and every one of us; when we become more open-minded, stop judging, and start understanding and listening."
"Something that maybe I would like to add, and this goes for women and men: please be supportive of people around you! It doesn't matter what's their sex or gender - we are all humans at the end of the day. We all have feelings and we all have the right to have our beliefs, boundaries, identities, orientations, and any other thing that is a part of us respected and validated."
"Please listen to what the people around you have to say, be kind, and show yourself as a person who anyone can count on - that is rare nowadays. Break the stigma and give yourself the chance of understanding and validating others - let them vent about their problems, their insecurities, their fears, and their feelings," the Redditor said. "You don't need to be a psychologist to help someone. I'm a psychologist myself and I can assure you, as long as you give the first step towards making a difference, you're starting to change little by little the world for those around you. You are making their burdens a little less heavy by just being there for them."
#10
I read a newspaper once that had two articles about teachers having sex with students. The female teacher was on the front page. Her picture was a scantly clad sexy Facebook profile pic. The headline read “HOT FOR TEACHER?”. The male teacher article was on page 8. Showed his gnarly mugshot and the headline said something along the lines of “sick child molester deserves a fate worse than death”.
Susie Elle 2 years ago (edited)
This hurts both parties, as a dude sleeping with his female teacher will get high-fives/teacher is a MILF, and a girl sleeping with her male teacher will be called a s**t/teacher a predator. It's so weird, as both are equally disturbing and very inappropriate.
#11
Hitting your partner. I'm female (couldn't help but post) and I'm so f*cking angry that girls are given a slap on the wrist for being abusive. But if a guy does it everyone loses their mind
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
yep, I was abused repeatedly and finally left. I never retaliated, ever. I never laid charges because in Africa it is patriarchal and a man is expected to hit back, so the cops would never believe me.
#12
Last Christmas I went to waddesdon in Oxfordshire (UK) with my family to see the Christmas lights. When we got to the toilets I found that they had changed both male and female toilets to be female and moved men to plastic construction site style portaloos. These had no lights or running water. I was looking to change my infant sons nappy but couldn’t because baby changing facilities were in the toilets. When I complained I was told that one of the portaloos had a plastic shelf I could have used and that it was a “practical solution to reducing queuing for the female toilets” because they tried adding the toilets for everyone but the women would rather queue up for the real toilets, so their solution was to force men to use them. Just imagine if they had done this the other way around?! I feel sorry for single dads and gay couples with children .
K Lam 2 years ago
They do force women to do this all the time. Last time I went to a football game the line was so long for the bathroom I would never have been able to hold it. I had to use the mens room. I had my husband go in and ask the men in there if I could use it. The few that were in there said yes. We can't stand up we have to have a toilet it takes up more room. I agree about the changing rooms in bathrooms for dads. None of these problems are us against you bc that's what it seems to be coming down to lately. Men are on SM gleefully telling women they can't wait to help put us in prison for miscarriages and Lifesaving D&Cs now bc apparently we have it too good. What little does cater to women in this world seems some men would love to burn it to the ground rather than share. Idk whats happening but I can feel it in my bones and it's not good. Is it revenge for the metoo movement? Only one guy went to jail all the others are totally fine.
#13
Girls would grab my butt all the time in high school, even a girl that was underage, when I was 18 lol. If I grabbed her butt I’d risk jail time.
#14
Not a guy, but I’ve noticed women are literally allowed to flash people in public or sexually harass people and they almost never get face a consequence
royal_antelope 2 years ago
in Germany the whole law about exhibitionism is only applicable to men. woman are allowed to be more naked. the reason is that "male sexuality is more aggressive by nature" 🤢 this is so outdated and horrible
#15
Having zero interest in sport
Im often ask which team I support by other men who are genuinely surprised that I couldn't care less.
Ive worked in an office where all the social events geared towards the men in the office involved sports. I didn't really want to go on a golf day. I cant play golf and didn't want to go along just to make sure that Dave from accounts didn't end up being last like he does every year. I'd rather have joined the ladies who'd decided to have a spa day for their social event. A massage and hot tub is far more appealing than chasing after a ball but I couldn't be bothered with the grief I'd have got if I'd joined them, and I dont think the ladies wanted a man coming on their pamper day. So I ended up staying at the office and answering the phones
Isabelle Lamarque 2 years ago
That sucks.. I have the opposite. I love football and basketball. When I tell guys this they always ask me to explain the rules and act surprised when I do know them and can explain them perfectly. Same with Star wars movies 🤷🏻♀️
#16
Fathers often don’t get custody of their kids in court
C 2 years ago
"studies indicate that dads simply do not ask for custody as often as mothers do, and courts generally do not award what is not asked for in that regard. A Massachusetts study examined 2,100 fathers who asked for custody and pushed aggressively to win it. Of those 2,100, 92 percent either received full or joint custody, with mothers receiving full custody only 7 percent of the time. Another study where 8 percent of fathers asked for custody showed that of that 8 percent, 79 percent received either sole or joint custody (in other words, approximately 6.3 percent of all fathers in the study). " https://www.dadsdivorcelaw.com/blog/fathers-and-mothers-child-custody-myths
#17
When I was overweight, I wore a hoodie and sweats to the gym to not only tune everyone else there out, but to hide my body from people who might judge me
A girl I knew in high school posted a story on Facebook about how she was getting unwanted looks from guys at the gym... not harrassment, not cat calling, but men were LOOKING AT HER (keep in mind, I knew her, and this is a girl who worked out in what could legally qualify as underwear) and she wanted to know how she could fix this. I suggested she cover herself up because that's what I did to keep people from looking at me and to help tune people out... imagine how that went down with all her other Facebook peers
Susie Elle 2 years ago (edited)
I'm a woman, and I also have a hard time reconciling other women (or people in general) wanting to work out (or do whatever) in barely any clothing and blow a fuse when it attracts general attention. Nobody deserves to be harrassed or get unwanted attention at all, but I just don't understand what it is that you expect if you start to work out in pants so tight I can very clearly see you're not wearing underwear, and a near see-through bralette, or a guy in loose gym shorts without briefs or boxers underneath (yes I've seen it happen). In Dutch we call that 'binding the bacon to the cat'.
#18
Sexual assault. Specifically when it’s unwarranted touching/groping from girls on a night out or “just having fun”.
If a guy does it it’s justifiably vilified, but the guy is usually told/asked if they’re gay or a pussy to not want to be touched by a girl even if it’s unwanted.
Marco Hub-Dub 2 years ago
There are two specific gays clubs (of many, it’s SF) that attracts bachelorette parties and groups of girls because they think they’re safer. It also attracts straight men who go out with their gay friends because there are lots of single ladies there. As a matter of fact, on gay tourists go there. Locals gays only go to bring their single straight male friends in the chance they’ll meet a girl. So, multitudes less gay than it’s perceived. It’s non-stop grab-åss by women, assuming all the guys are gay and somehow thinking that makes it ok. It’s as if they can sexually assaulted us cos they know we’re not attracted to them and won’t do it back. The jokes on them because, again, we’re there with our straight friends whose asses they’re also grabbing.
#19
Being broke.
Totally fine for a girl to be struggling, but try dating as a broke guy. You're gonna have a bad time.
Zedrapazia 2 years ago
"Whuuuuuut, you can't pay my dinner for me? Trashcan man, booh!" I don't understand these women.
#20
Liking fruity/sweet alcoholic drinks. I like them and some whiskeys. Can’t stand beer. Makes my stomach turn after half a bottle but can handle a few fruity/sweet drinks no problem.
#21
Crying, domestic violence and sexual assault
If a man does it he's a pussy, an abuser and a rapist
If a woman does it she's brave, strong and has a right to do what she wants on you because "Women have been oppressed long enough. Give us a pass" (someone really said that once)
There are way more double standards like working in a kindergarten or sitting on a park bench with a kids playground nearby. Men will be seen as pedophiles while women are very normal in that field, completely ignoring that anyone can be a pedophile
Drew Losure-McDermott 2 years ago
The bit most people seem to be ignoring is "crying." A man crying, especially in public, will cause people to avoid him at best, or call him crazy/otherwise victimize him at worst. A woman crying causes people to go out of their way to see what they can do to try and help, even if that help is otherwise unsolicited.
#22
Having my court ordered access to my child blocked by her mother, for literally any reason at all, zero consequences. If I block access to the same child to the female parent, suddenly it’s a kidnapping and my photo would be all over the news.
K Lam 2 years ago
My best friend was arrested for taking her kids on vacation. Her husband decided to move his mistress in while she was gone to see her parents for a week. He said she took them wo his approval. When she got home the cops were waiting to arrest her. She had no idea she was being replaced. The house was in his name only. That was her fault she trusted him I suppose. In court she had to prove what really happened. She didn't see her kids for 6 mths. Until it was proven he did it on purpose. My dad did the same thing to my mom. Lied about her taking drugs. She had to get a court ordered drug test every time she saw me. She never failed once. He kept reporting her until she had to get a hair strand test. For a year and a half he terrorized her while I barely saw here. I was 9 I testified to how abusive he was to her too. He convinced the judge she coached me. This is an an abusive spouse problem a manipulator problem
#23
Talking about how you’re feeling
Fabian Bartsch 2 years ago
The problem is not even that we arent allowed to talk about our feelings.. its the stigma with got put into our brains while raising up. "Man up", "oh come on youre a big boy" etc etc the list goes on. The women i met that i felt like i could openly talk to about my feelings and worries, were positively suprised and almost felt kinda "honored" a man opened up to them like that. Same with other guys, former best friend of mine (before i moved) started to open up to me too as soon as i started. he said it felt like a blockade beeing broken down when i told him my worries and such
#24
Liking cute things.
Cactus McCoy 2 years ago
No. Everybody likes cutes things, especially cute animals. If people surrounding you mock you for it, cut these people out of your life.
#25
Being short.
Isabelle Lamarque 2 years ago
It's true a lot of the time sadly. But there are girls out there who don't care. My guy is shorter than me but he's a bigger man than most to me 🤷🏻♀️ he's never insecure about it, let's me wear heels. He doesn't care and I don't. None of our friends ever made a comment about it. They do make fun of his accent though 😜
#26
If a girl gets drunk and sleeps with a guy she can claim she was taken advantage of. If the same guy is also drunk he can't say the same thing. People will believe the girl in that situation typically.
Karl Baxter 2 years ago
This view gives women no agency whatsoever. If both parties were equally drunk and sex occurs, then the woman is considered unable to consent yet the man is apparently in full control of his critical faculties at all times.
#27
Taking my bro (16 ys difference) to a pool or an amusement park ... even if my stepmom is there , weird looks
censorshipsucks 2 years ago (edited)
America. Here in africa we would not comment or think it strange for a father to amuse his kids, or an older brother.
#28
Hetero dude here, went shopping with the kids today and saw a gorgeous pink pearl new Accord, and had to park next to it to get a closer look. Woman was getting into it and just had a confused look when I told her how incredibly awesome I thought it looked.
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
you live in america. Elsewhere we would totally not think this was weird.
#29
Stalking or being "creepy" in general seems to be fine if you are a girl, but not if you are a guy
I have a girl friend who openly admits to having folders on her phone filled with photoes of random people like her teachers from univerity (male ones) and I have never heard anybody saying its inappropriate
#30
Obese woman are called plus size and glorified whilst obese man are called fat a*s or other degrading terms.
#31
Gaslighting.
For some reason it feels like any woman can Gaslight on a whim and guys have to take everything at face value due to the fact it is frowned upon to never given them the benefit of the doubt
censorshipsucks 2 years ago
Same happened to me. If I say that I was gaslit, then no, the guilty party is all like "No, you are gaslighting me, I never gaslit you." I give up.
#32
If a girl is wronged by a man she has every right to fear men. It’s called PTSD. if a man is wronged by a woman, he is considered to be a misogynist.
What do you think ?
lenka 2 years ago
This thread is the reason why I keep saying feminism is a men's issue just as much as a women's issue. So many of these are the equal and opposite side of the of gender disparity coin that feminists have been fighting for years.
Amo Mazzuchelli 2 years ago
Thank you someone who understands feminism. Equal rights for all .... I like to use the word humanism as extreme feminists have tarnished the true meaning
Load More Replies...
K Lam 2 years ago
The patriarchy made these weird rules. We're still living in the 50s at least in the US w very third world problems now. It's only getting weirder w the theocrats that are in office. They want to enforce these gender stereotypes and they're getting away w it. They don't want men to talk about their feelings and they want to force women to stay pregnant. Life is about to get much harder for men and women in the next few weeks. So much for progress. Privacy rights for all are going to be stripped away. More women and children will die than in 50 yrs. For profit prisons are getting all set up everywhere to imprison women and their co conspirating men. 26 states are going to drain the 24 other states of safe healthcare and gay sex will be illegal in 12 states. Can't be gay at all in Florida or Texas or trans. Pregnant Women will die at the hands of their partners more bc of the forced birth. Buckle up I guess.
K Lam 2 years ago
I've said this before the leading cause of death for pregnant women in the US is intimate partner gun violence. Bc guys aren't allowed to have feelings they will kill more women than they have in 50 years. I haven't been able to sleep for weeks thinking about how many lives are going to be ruined bc of these right wing zealots in scotus and the Republican Party. Men and women and especially children are going to suffer and be tortured for profit while also being silenced.
Load More Replies... lenka 2 years ago
This thread is the reason why I keep saying feminism is a men's issue just as much as a women's issue. So many of these are the equal and opposite side of the of gender disparity coin that feminists have been fighting for years.
Amo Mazzuchelli 2 years ago
Thank you someone who understands feminism. Equal rights for all .... I like to use the word humanism as extreme feminists have tarnished the true meaning
Load More Replies... K Lam 2 years ago
The patriarchy made these weird rules. We're still living in the 50s at least in the US w very third world problems now. It's only getting weirder w the theocrats that are in office. They want to enforce these gender stereotypes and they're getting away w it. They don't want men to talk about their feelings and they want to force women to stay pregnant. Life is about to get much harder for men and women in the next few weeks. So much for progress. Privacy rights for all are going to be stripped away. More women and children will die than in 50 yrs. For profit prisons are getting all set up everywhere to imprison women and their co conspirating men. 26 states are going to drain the 24 other states of safe healthcare and gay sex will be illegal in 12 states. Can't be gay at all in Florida or Texas or trans. Pregnant Women will die at the hands of their partners more bc of the forced birth. Buckle up I guess.
K Lam 2 years ago
I've said this before the leading cause of death for pregnant women in the US is intimate partner gun violence. Bc guys aren't allowed to have feelings they will kill more women than they have in 50 years. I haven't been able to sleep for weeks thinking about how many lives are going to be ruined bc of these right wing zealots in scotus and the Republican Party. Men and women and especially children are going to suffer and be tortured for profit while also being silenced.
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