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Nobody said that marriage is going to be easy. But that’s far from the only thing nobody tells you when you’re unmarried.

Would it change your mind about tying the knot if you knew some of these things earlier? Well, you don’t need to reply just now, but rather scroll through some of the very genuine thoughts about marriage from people who have been there and done that.

“Married people of Reddit, what's something you wish unmarried people knew?” somebody asked on Ask Reddit and sooner than you knew it, the thread turned into an illuminating read that makes you wonder big time.

#1

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage Common values matter way more than common interests.

wwplkyih , Helena Lopes Report

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#2

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage Saying “let me ask my wife” doesn’t mean I’m asking permission. We’re a team, we make decisions together. Also, if it’s about going to or doing something, I’m really forgetful and want to make sure we haven’t already made plans.

Salty-Director538 , August de Richelieu Report

#3

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage BABIES DON'T FIX RELATIONSHIPS! If you were struggling before then a baby is going to make those struggles even harder. Babies make fantastic relationships harder! Don't have a baby if you're having problems! Don't have a baby to "fix" things! Don't have a baby to try to keep your spouse from leaving! IT WONT WORK

mrsbebe , Kelly Sikkema Report

Rebecca Newton, MA, licensed marriage and family therapist told Bored Panda that marriage isn't about initial attraction, shared interests, or even how much you like each other. 

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“A solid marriage is one that can adjust, flex, and shift through all the changes and events that will happen over the course of decades. Marriage is more about shared values, communication skills, and commitment to take action in the relationship,” Newton explained.

#4

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage Spending time with my wife is neither a burden or a chore. She was my best friend before we even started dating, of course i enjoy hanging out with her.

rusty_L_shackleford , cottonbro Report

#5

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage It’s not you vs spouse. It’s you and spouse vs problem.

Capital_Ad_2489 , Priscilla Du Preez Report

#6

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage It’s better to stay single forever than to marry the wrong person

Bhappy-now , Andrea Piacquadio Report

According to the marriage therapist, the key secrets to a happy marriage are two things: ability to communicate your needs effectively, and the ability to repair after a fight or disagreement. 

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Having said that, Newton sees many people who get married for the wrong reasons. “So many people feel pressured to get married when they are in their late 20's and early 30's. They feel it's ‘time’ and they settle down with whatever partner they have at the time. There is a lot of societal pressure to get married, and people aren't taught how to pick a partner or what characteristics make a great partner.”

Moreover, “People sometimes get married because all of their friends are, or they think their partner is going to be successful or financially stable,” Newton said.

#7

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage For the love of God don’t go crazy with how much you spend on the wedding day. It’s ONE day and it’s over in a flash. Try to keep costs down as much as you can; that money you saved can go towards a house or into savings for when you’ll truly need it

Also, the whole “don’t go to bed mad” thing is absolutely b******t. Go to bed mad! When you have both slept on it you may see things in a different light and tensions have calmed.

“Happy wife, happy life” is toxic to a marriage as well. You should be concerned with each other’s happiness *equally*. It’s a partnership

DrPeterVankman , Rose Report

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#8

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage It’s okay to use two blankets. No one likes to wake up with cold a*s cheeks because your spouse stole the blanket.

sparklingshanaya , Pavel Danilyuk Report

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#9

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage My heart always hurts when I hear people say "I gotta pin that man down" or "I'm going to make him put a ring on it" or other things implying that the woman is coercing the man into marrying her.

If a man doesn't WANT to be married to me, then by God, I don't want to be married to him either! If he requires that much convincing, he's not the man for you.

SnappyCappie , cottonbro Report

Another misconception Newton sees is that “people think marriage should always be fun, or that if they are with the right partner then they won't have to do the work of communicating their needs.”

“Even if we have a great partner, they are not a mind reader and they can't always be in tune with our needs. Also, as we get older our needs change. There is a huge value in consistent communication about needs,” Newton explained.

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#10

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage It's okay for your relationship to look the way you want it to. Don't worry about stereotypes or society standards. If you enjoy separate hobbies, great. If you want to play video games together well into your 40s+, go for it. As long as you're not being abusive towards one another I really do think there's no right or wrong way to do marriage. It took me a few years to realize I didn't need to fit some "wife mold" due to the way I was raised and I'm so much happier now that we live exactly the way we want to.

readyplayer_zero , cottonbro Report

#11

Lots! Been married 29 years.

My wife is my best friend. She comes first.

Its not my money or her money. Its our money.

Big financial decisions have to be joint decisions.

If I want to go out and buy a midlife crisis car, my wife gets one too.

We have TV shows we watch together and ones we watch alone.

Life is so much more fun when you share hobbies.

Share the chores. You both eat and mess the bathroom up.

There is no I in team

Go out on dates.

Treat them like you like to be treated

You will get old together

Health issues are a team effort

You both are getting wrinkles

notevenapro Report

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#12

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage A gracious heartfelt apology goes a long way.

Iarmuman , cottonbro Report

According to the marriage therapist, people have to realize that marriage is an adventure. “You will change. Your partner will change. Don't get caught up in your expectations of them, but rather get to know them for who they are in each iteration,” Newton concluded.

#13

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage Compromise is not a sign of weakness. It is done out of respect for your spouse.

Rich-Diamond-9006 , Emma Bauso Report

#14

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage The wedding is just one day and does not fix any issues. It goes back to the exact same relationship afterwards. And if you're lucky, that's a good thing.

No_Yard_7363 , Mikhail Nilov Report

#15

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage Being married shouldn’t take away from having a good relationship with yourself.

Electronic-Cattle993 , Ron Lach Report

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#16

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage Sleeping on the couch isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sleep is important. If I’m sick, have insomnia, snoring, etc., I’ll go to the couch so that only one of us is sleep-deprived and grumpy the next day, rather than both. It’s totally ok to use the bedroom for fun sexy times and then go separate places to actually sleep.

charleychaplinman21 , Pixabay Report

#17

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage It’s ok to do things or spend a full day doing stuff that you enjoy by yourself.

Present-Skill-4114 , bady abbas Report

#18

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage Getting married is easy. Staying married is hard. Get help if things seem too hard. My wife and I both carried a lot of childhood trauma into our marriage. A councilor helped is both understand that and gave us tools to handle it. We're would have divorced without the help.

Spidey209 , Heather Mount Report

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#19

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage Find someone who is your biggest cheerleader and vice-versa, no matter what, life is so much easier

Love my wife!

SteliosCnutos , cottonbro Report

#20

If you tell me something, you're also telling my wife, and vice versa. I'll keep your secret from the rest of the world, but you can bet your a*s I'm spilling the tea to my wife as soon as I get home.

zuck_my_butt Report

#21

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage You can't find instantly happy or perfect match, you have to build it.

RoundProfessional95 , SHVETS production Report

#22

Don’t get lazy with sex. Now that you’re monogamous, it’s time to explore and grow together. A single partner you can trust and no worries about disease or unwanted pregnancy can lead to the best sex of your life. Marriage is not a sentence to play with yourself for decades. It’s a license to get filthy with your partner! Now that I’ve had a vasectomy and she’s had a hysterectomy, we are having the best sex of our lives because no babies, no periods, no worries!

PNWBoilermaker2019 Report

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#23

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage You don't have to argue or "fight". You're different people and it's OK to not agree on everything. It would be weird if you did!

I see a lot of people "fighting" because they're always trying to get the other person to come around to their point of view. Accept that you're different and have fun together. In addition to loving each other, you should *like* each other.

whatyouwant22 , MART PRODUCTION Report

#24

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage Your single problems will be your married problems. Marriage and your spouse can't fix you. Work on yourself as much as you can before you get married. For yourself and for your spouse.

happyharborgirl , Liza Summer Report

#25

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage Love is a choice. Once you choose to commit to your partner, choose to keep loving them. Choose to respond with love and compassion. Choose to put them first, and vice versa. There are definitely exceptions to this, like abuse and cheating.

If you go into marriage with a self-centered focus and telling yourself you can leave if things get hard, then you will. Marriage isn't transactional, where if they don't meet your needs 100% then you should leave. Marriage really should be a partnership where you are both trying your best and recognizing that what your best is will vary based on your circumstances.

Dinonugget1801 , Ketut Subiyanto Report

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#26

It’s okay to sleep in different rooms. Really. We still have plenty of intimacy, but we both sleep much better and are able to have different schedules.

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#27

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage Getting married WILL NOT help solve any issues in your relationship...

LoveBaby67 , Liza Summer Report

#28

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage You can feel lonely as F still being in a relationship. You have to love yourself first.

AdImpressive836 , Gian Cescon Report

#29

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage There are good people out there, you can be loved consistently, deeply, and with kindness.

tara_amma , Toa Heftiba Report

#30

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage Sex really does get better the longer you work at it.

elchignacio , Womanizer Toys Report

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#31

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage Marriage changes nothing about a relationship. You’ll be exactly the same after marriage as you were before. Kids on the other hand….

taylor52087 , Tim Mossholder Report

#32

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage Marriage (and long term relationships in general) are a lot less work if done with the right person.

It seems obvious, but looking through a lot of these comments, I'm seeing disasters of relationships leading to the idea that marriage is a ton of work, or that fights and insults are just something to be expected, or that you have to have a plan for therapy and constant apologies and reconciliation - my wife and I have none of this in our marriage. We're compatible: we enjoy each other's company, respect each other's boundaries, and get along easily.

It seems to me that the tricky part is finding the right person, so that you don't end up with the tricky part of averting divorce and disaster while married to the wrong person. I don't know that there are any magic bullets to that trick, but I can tell you that issues like sitting down with a marriage counselor or learning how to reconcile after a screaming match don't have to be part of navigating a marriage if you're not that incompatible to begin with.

CAustin3 , Emma Bauso Report

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#33

You never marry a girl you marry her whole family.

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#34

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage Divorce is awful and terrible and painful. Before you enter into marriage, realize that the only way out ( except death I guess) is a very painful, public, and traumatizing experience. If you don’t truly believe you can make it work for the rest of your life, don’t do it unless you can handle the train wreck that is divorce.

Listening_Heads , cottonbro Report

#35

That the butterflies in the tummy, the wibbles when you see them, the fairytale romance of it all is a big lie. Don't marry that person, it won't end well. And don't have a list of requirements that can change in an instant: good job, money, a certain physique or hair colour, house, car, etc. Three paychecks can change all that. If you must have a list then make it on qualities: kind, funny, tender, honest.

Marry someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, the person you want at your side to share in triumphs and disasters alike. Marry the person who will stick with you for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Life is very different in your 20s and 30s than it is in your 70s and 80s. Will you clean up their vomit? Will they wipe your backside when you can't? Do you feel you have to hold back on what you tell or show them? Can you fart in front of them? Do you see yourself wiping up their eye gunk in 50 years time?

It's OK to have deal-breakers, but make them good ones. Ours are cheating and hitting. Anything else we can work out. A disagreement does not mean the end of our marriage, it means we need to talk and work out *together* what we're going to do about it. And if it's not the right time for a discussion then say so, talk when you are both well rested, fed and watered, not when you've both arrived home tired and hungry after a shocker of a day in work. Admit that there is a disagreement, but that it doesn't stop you loving each other.

We're 4 and a half years married, 7 years together. We have never had an argument. We disagree sometimes, but we talk it out and know that our disagreement doesn't mean we don't love each other, so if our talk is postponed because I am tired or he is stressed with work, we support each other with those things and talk it out when we're ready to.

MadWifeUK Report

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#36

The person they are before you marry them is the person they’ll be after. Don’t believe marriage makes a person change or “grow up”.

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#37

Life is hard. A marriage is the ultimate partnership. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I have her back. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS she has my back.

Only enter a marriage if you truly support your partner for better or worse. Furthermore, you are going to experience some of the "OR WORSE"

A good marriage is when both partners can take on a “OR WORSE" situation, support each other and come out okay.

I've been with my wife for 13 years. It's not all sunshine and roses. We stay together because of honest conversations, even the really hard conversations.

You have to have those long talks in which you get to the core beliefs. Not surface talks, once you have a framework of core values then you and your partner can actually make real decisions.

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#38

35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage Don't hide anything from your SO(secrets, behavior, opinions, tastes, plans, wishes, what turns you on/off). The longer you keep it, the more you'll see that it's not your real self and it gets harder is to get it out

pcatalunia , Ba Tik Report

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#39

With the right person, monogamy is not a shackle. There is nothing wrong with polyamory, but a lot of people, whether they be polyamorists, chronic bachelors, or cheating scumbags will talk about not wanting to be "tied down," or not understanding why people get married. Marriage has not tied me down at all. I still have hobbies, likes, dislikes, friends, a life separate from my wife's, but also a shared life with her.

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#40

You have to marry the *right* person. How do you know who that person is? Your values match up. If your values don’t match up at least 95% DON’T MARRY THAT PERSON.

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#41

During a long relationship you will face devastating emotional events (ie, death of parents) that will test the limits of your bond. If you married anyone less than your best friend, your relationship will not survive. The divorce rate of partners who’ve lost children is almost 67%. My wife and I have lost our son, and both sets of parents during our 38 years of marriage, and we wouldn’t have survived if not for the fact that we’re best friends who are emotionally bonded beyond the bedroom.

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#42

Please please please get to know your partner well before getting legally involved with them. You should already try out living together, discussing your values/dreams/life goals, important life decisions (like children and whether you want them or not), etc etc. You don't want to find out this stuff after the fact and have it be something you can't live with. Divorce is expensive, can make people turn very ugly very quickly, and doesn't always end well.

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#43

There are, in fact, "correct" ways to load a dishwasher, fold towels, and do laundry.

The ACTUAL correct way that your spouse does any of those things is at all. Don't focus on the "they did X wrong." You'll do plenty of little things that will irritate your spouse. Focus on the "they DID X." So many relationships end up with one person pulling the weight of maintaining the household when it should be a partnership. That means sharing appreciation for one another's efforts.... Even if you end up redoing it later.

On a side note, try out your spouse's interests/hobbies, too. Like, actually TRY. Even if it's not your thing and doesn't end up as a buddies thing, they will always remember and love the time you tried.

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#44

Learn to communicate. With each other. Good communication goes a long way to keeping things together. Both parties have to be willing and able to sit down and talk about things, maybe not right away, but at some point. Have some give and take. Realise that you come from different circumstances and that you won't always be speaking the same language, but taking things through will make the biggest difference. Oh, and if you can't communicate with someone at all before you get married, don't.

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#45

1. It’s work. Lots of work.
2. You are a support for your spouse to be the best person they can be.
3. You will have to compromise your hopes and dreams to help them fulfill their hopes and dreams. They should do the same for you.
4. This won’t look like a Disney movie with a fairy tail ending.
5. Your relationship needs to work for you, there is no one size fits all for how you love and support each other. Some couples need space others need to do everything together.
6. If kids are in the plan or pop up, it is the biggest stress test you will face.

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#46

Marriage is *not* 50/50. If each person doesn't give 100%, then if one or the other is ever not at 100%, it can break down.

Marriage isn't for or about *you*, it has to be for and about your *spouse*. If each partner puts their spouse's needs as their first priority, it works much better.

Love is not an emotion, it is a conscious act of will. You make a choice to love them each and every day, regardless of how you are feeling. Learn what both of your love languages are, and speak to those for each other. Make sure to communicate and express your needs and feelings, though.

Source: 17 years (and counting) of marriage to the same woman.

Also, it doesn't hurt to watch/attend "Laugh Your Way To a Better Marriage" conference by Mark Gungor.

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#47

It's a heck of a lot of work, but not hard work. But you have to do it, each and every day. Some people get tired of doing it everyday. Some people never wanted to do it everyday. Some people make one partner do it all. Sometimes it doesn't work. It only works so long as you wake up and do it every day, there are no days off.

To clarify, what do I mean by the work? It goes beyond mere division of labor and assets, though that's important as well. It means division of emotional labor, of both parties being sure every day to be sensitive to each other, to do tasks without being told, to listen to one another, to work together to solve problems, help each other through acute and chronic illness.

Over time (almost 9 years here), romance and passion does tend to fade -- sometimes it's just getting older (I definitely do not have the same sexual enegery now that I did then, husband too). It's not about replacing romance or passion, but making sure that you have a partner, a real steadfast companion who you can lean on, who makes life easier not harder, who makes life fun not boring, who makes us feel like we're not alone. Where a lot of folks trip up is that they look for that in partner, but then don't give the same in return. Marriage is about doing a lot of giving and taking, and that balance gets messed up a lot.

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#48

This is a magic phrase: “Will you forgive me for ______?”

My husband and I commonly use it for if we get irritated and snap at each other, but it works for most things. It’s an apology and an acknowledgment of what you did wrong all at once and it’s asking for forgiveness rather than expecting it with an “I’m sorry.”

Partners are going to disagree, have bad days, all that. If you stop feeling like a team, those things add up and turn into me vs you. So try to assume the best. If your spouse does something really annoying, maybe it’s because they weren’t thinking rather than maliciously trying to make your life harder. Give them the benefit of a doubt.

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#49

It’s not a 50/50 thing. It’s 100/100.

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#50

Do not get married or stay married if your marriage or relationship limits your life or on what you want to do. A good marriage/relationship would allow both people to seek their dreams and for you both to travel or do what you would like to do together or even on your own. Marriage shouldn’t be a sort of cage. It should be full of trust and endless opportunity and support of each other.

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#51

You don't need companionship to be happy.

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#52

Its the small things that matter. Be a part of each others lives. Even if you do one thing, do it consistently, like taking out the garbage everyday. Commit to your duties. Dont decide u dont want to so because it is not rewarding or u r not thanked for it.
My dad died 8 years back and even today when my mom makes her morning tea or checks the door before going to sleep, she remembers him.

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#53

Never stop dating your partner; marriage doesn't mean you get to be complacent. This means making time and setting your schedules aside just as you did when you weren't engaged for your loved one.

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#54

I just started golfing. The amount of people thst look at me like I'm crazy because I want to golf with my wife is insane. I enjoy spending time with her, why not have a nice day in the park too?

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#55

Find self love first before you expect it from some one else.

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#56

Listen to your spouse when a difficult issue comes up. You will definitely learn something.

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#57

Make sure you are aligned on the big stuff:
-kids
-money
-religion
-sex

I had a buddy who was married for 7 years and wanted kids. She kept saying not now. Then found a fresh prescription for a 5 year birth control in the trash one day. They are now divorced and she took half his money.

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#58

If you are not 100% sure of their mental stability DONT HAVE KIDS! And if you do make sure you can afford to pay all the bills on your own without them. As for kids, they complicate everything and make each decision harder all while fundamentally changing you. With that your partner will change from who you know, they will be a different person after kids.

About changes, everyone is their best self while dating, there likes and dislikes, and over a course of decades this all changes. Guys may like pizza, beer, video games, and wood working at 20 and still only like that at 50 while Girls will have 120 different hobbies and gone from heavy metal music and painting skulls to Mongolian throat singing while knitting in a room filled with fish tanks and incense with a do not disturb sign for most of the week. Or it could be the guy that goes insane and will hide in the engine compartment of a corvette for hours painting minifigs of Rosie O'Donnell while listening to the Scooby-Doo theme on repeat.

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#59

Don’t be dumb and rush into it. This takes a lot of work.

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#60

It's not always sunshine and unicorns. There will be disagreements/fights/disappoints. Marriage can bee great but it takes work and communication.

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#61

Pick and choose your battles wisely.

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#62

Getting married is not a guarantee. It won't prevent cheating, or divorce. The only thing it does, in the case of one wanting to leave, is prolong the process.

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#63

Increase your toilet paper budget when you get married. Holy c**p I was not prepared for how much toilet paper women go through, then we had 2 daughters…

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