The person they are before you marry them is the person they’ll be after. Don’t believe marriage makes a person change or “grow up”.

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JessG

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2 years ago

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As a certain Mars/Venus book said: “women go into a [marriage] hoping he will change, and men go in hoping she will never change”. Don’t enter into a marriage with any expectations that they will or won’t change, know and understand each other, and grow together.

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Life is hard. A marriage is the ultimate partnership. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I have her back. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS she has my back.

Only enter a marriage if you truly support your partner for better or worse. Furthermore, you are going to experience some of the "OR WORSE"

A good marriage is when both partners can take on a “OR WORSE" situation, support each other and come out okay.

I've been with my wife for 13 years. It's not all sunshine and roses. We stay together because of honest conversations, even the really hard conversations.

You have to have those long talks in which you get to the core beliefs. Not surface talks, once you have a framework of core values then you and your partner can actually make real decisions.

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Kristin Burggraf

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1 year ago

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How is this not number 1?

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Don't hide anything from your SO(secrets, behavior, opinions, tastes, plans, wishes, what turns you on/off). The longer you keep it, the more you'll see that it's not your real self and it gets harder is to get it out

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Lyone Fein

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If you are hiding things about yourself, then is it really you that they love? Or just some made up person?

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With the right person, monogamy is not a shackle. There is nothing wrong with polyamory, but a lot of people, whether they be polyamorists, chronic bachelors, or cheating scumbags will talk about not wanting to be "tied down," or not understanding why people get married. Marriage has not tied me down at all. I still have hobbies, likes, dislikes, friends, a life separate from my wife's, but also a shared life with her.

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Powercat

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2 years ago

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I always tell my husband that I don't want our mariage to be something that blocks him from experiencing things. I want it to be a reason for him to feel safe and free to experience new things. We're not actively polyamory but we are open to the idea of having fun with other people. We make sure to keep in check with what the other is or isn't comfortable with and are aware that it can change. Trust and respect are everything. No jealousy, no shame.

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You have to marry the *right* person. How do you know who that person is? Your values match up. If your values don’t match up at least 95% DON’T MARRY THAT PERSON.

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During a long relationship you will face devastating emotional events (ie, death of parents) that will test the limits of your bond. If you married anyone less than your best friend, your relationship will not survive. The divorce rate of partners who’ve lost children is almost 67%. My wife and I have lost our son, and both sets of parents during our 38 years of marriage, and we wouldn’t have survived if not for the fact that we’re best friends who are emotionally bonded beyond the bedroom.

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Niki A

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We lost an unexpected baby this year (Would have been our third.), and we made the decision to try again. It was rough. There were a lot of tears, wanting to give up, and just general anxiety. We are now pregnant again. I would not have had the strength to go on without him. This following us separating, reuniting, losing multiple family members, and battling having low-paying jobs. Without his support, nothing would have improved.

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Please please please get to know your partner well before getting legally involved with them. You should already try out living together, discussing your values/dreams/life goals, important life decisions (like children and whether you want them or not), etc etc. You don't want to find out this stuff after the fact and have it be something you can't live with. Divorce is expensive, can make people turn very ugly very quickly, and doesn't always end well.

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Kate Jones

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2 years ago

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I can't upvote this enough. Day after day I see people who move in together after like 3 weeks of even knowing each other and are then surprised when they end up in court suing over who owes who what money. It doesn't even need to be marriage. Co-mingling money with someone you aren't married to is gong to end up being a problem because you may break up. And chances are likely it will not be a 'good' break-up. Someone will get hurt and then want to lash out because of that. So they react emotionally and suddenly start thinking about all the money they spent on you and suddenly want it back. Or they will destroy your property as revenge. Or take money from you in some way. If you want to co-mingle money, get a separate bank account with both of your names on it and you can each contribute to it. Expect that money to be gone if things go bad so you aren't surprised when it happens. It's like they say, 'never loan money to someone unless you can afford to not get it back'.

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There are, in fact, "correct" ways to load a dishwasher, fold towels, and do laundry.

The ACTUAL correct way that your spouse does any of those things is at all. Don't focus on the "they did X wrong." You'll do plenty of little things that will irritate your spouse. Focus on the "they DID X." So many relationships end up with one person pulling the weight of maintaining the household when it should be a partnership. That means sharing appreciation for one another's efforts.... Even if you end up redoing it later.

On a side note, try out your spouse's interests/hobbies, too. Like, actually TRY. Even if it's not your thing and doesn't end up as a buddies thing, they will always remember and love the time you tried.

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Becky Samuel

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2 years ago

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If someone volunteers to do a job for me and they reduce my workload at the end of the day rather than increase it, then they have done right by me. If I have to pick up a cloth and wipe the crumbs from under the toaster, or a dish has turned upside-down in the dishwasher, that's still a lot less work on my end than cleaning the whole kitchen, and they have my gratitude.

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Learn to communicate. With each other. Good communication goes a long way to keeping things together. Both parties have to be willing and able to sit down and talk about things, maybe not right away, but at some point. Have some give and take. Realise that you come from different circumstances and that you won't always be speaking the same language, but taking things through will make the biggest difference. Oh, and if you can't communicate with someone at all before you get married, don't.

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Powercat

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2 years ago

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Say what you mean out loud. Don't expect the other to read your mind. Maybe they can sometimes, just don't expect it. Say how you feel about things, say what you're thinking, say what bothers you, even if it seems trivial or stupid. It will give context and your spouse will understand you better. Sometimes when my husband or I feel stressed about something stupid we just say it to each other, have a good laugh about it and immediately the weight of it disappears. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable with each other makes you stronger as a team.

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1. It’s work. Lots of work.
2. You are a support for your spouse to be the best person they can be.
3. You will have to compromise your hopes and dreams to help them fulfill their hopes and dreams. They should do the same for you.
4. This won’t look like a Disney movie with a fairy tail ending.
5. Your relationship needs to work for you, there is no one size fits all for how you love and support each other. Some couples need space others need to do everything together.
6. If kids are in the plan or pop up, it is the biggest stress test you will face.

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Anonymous

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2 years ago

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Well, usually, the fairy tales end with the wedding and not what comes after.

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Marriage is *not* 50/50. If each person doesn't give 100%, then if one or the other is ever not at 100%, it can break down.

Marriage isn't for or about *you*, it has to be for and about your *spouse*. If each partner puts their spouse's needs as their first priority, it works much better.

Love is not an emotion, it is a conscious act of will. You make a choice to love them each and every day, regardless of how you are feeling. Learn what both of your love languages are, and speak to those for each other. Make sure to communicate and express your needs and feelings, though.

Source: 17 years (and counting) of marriage to the same woman.

Also, it doesn't hurt to watch/attend "Laugh Your Way To a Better Marriage" conference by Mark Gungor.

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Anonymous

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"Love isn't an emotion, it's a promise." -The Doctor.

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It's a heck of a lot of work, but not hard work. But you have to do it, each and every day. Some people get tired of doing it everyday. Some people never wanted to do it everyday. Some people make one partner do it all. Sometimes it doesn't work. It only works so long as you wake up and do it every day, there are no days off.

To clarify, what do I mean by the work? It goes beyond mere division of labor and assets, though that's important as well. It means division of emotional labor, of both parties being sure every day to be sensitive to each other, to do tasks without being told, to listen to one another, to work together to solve problems, help each other through acute and chronic illness.

Over time (almost 9 years here), romance and passion does tend to fade -- sometimes it's just getting older (I definitely do not have the same sexual enegery now that I did then, husband too). It's not about replacing romance or passion, but making sure that you have a partner, a real steadfast companion who you can lean on, who makes life easier not harder, who makes life fun not boring, who makes us feel like we're not alone. Where a lot of folks trip up is that they look for that in partner, but then don't give the same in return. Marriage is about doing a lot of giving and taking, and that balance gets messed up a lot.

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Becky Samuel

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2 years ago

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It sounds like this person is having to work way too hard to justify this marriage to themselves. 35 years in and, while there have been rough patches, I can't imagine feeling this jaded about our relationship. I don't have to remind myself to be sensitive to his feelings or to listen, because I genuinely like and love him.

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This is a magic phrase: “Will you forgive me for ______?”

My husband and I commonly use it for if we get irritated and snap at each other, but it works for most things. It’s an apology and an acknowledgment of what you did wrong all at once and it’s asking for forgiveness rather than expecting it with an “I’m sorry.”

Partners are going to disagree, have bad days, all that. If you stop feeling like a team, those things add up and turn into me vs you. So try to assume the best. If your spouse does something really annoying, maybe it’s because they weren’t thinking rather than maliciously trying to make your life harder. Give them the benefit of a doubt.

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It’s not a 50/50 thing. It’s 100/100.

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Do not get married or stay married if your marriage or relationship limits your life or on what you want to do. A good marriage/relationship would allow both people to seek their dreams and for you both to travel or do what you would like to do together or even on your own. Marriage shouldn’t be a sort of cage. It should be full of trust and endless opportunity and support of each other.

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Kate Jones

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2 years ago

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Agreed. Staying in a bad marriage-- especially 'for the kids'-- is such a bad idea and prolonging the relief you'll feel once you inevitable do divorce. Not only that but your children are not being helped by staying together. Kids are smarter than you know and can pick up on hatred between their parents. Usually there's fighting and you're hurting them by keeping them living in that atmosphere. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to work on it and figure it out but if it's really at a point where you can't recover or reconcile, just do it. Divorce doesn't hold the same shameful connotation anymore. The kids will be okay especially since you're happier. That's what your kids really want.

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You don't need companionship to be happy.

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lenka

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2 years ago

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? I am confused as to how this comment fits into marriage advice? If I wasn't happy with the companionship of my partner I would not be married? Or are they saying you need need to get married to be happy?

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Its the small things that matter. Be a part of each others lives. Even if you do one thing, do it consistently, like taking out the garbage everyday. Commit to your duties. Dont decide u dont want to so because it is not rewarding or u r not thanked for it.
My dad died 8 years back and even today when my mom makes her morning tea or checks the door before going to sleep, she remembers him.

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Never stop dating your partner; marriage doesn't mean you get to be complacent. This means making time and setting your schedules aside just as you did when you weren't engaged for your loved one.

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Kate Jones

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2 years ago

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YES!!!! This x1000. You have to make the time even if it's just hanging around the house together without the kids. Spending money on good day care who will take the kids out of the house for a whole day is really worth it. If you can try to find room in your budget for it-- it's worth it. It doesn't need to be a night date. Do something on a saturday afternoon. Role play if that's your thing. Go for a drive and find somewhere to just make out together. Play, touch, and find something- a hobby or team- that is just yours to have fun doing. Too many people feel the need to include their kids in every single thing they do and make no time for each other separate from that and then end up resenting it. Make the time.

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I just started golfing. The amount of people thst look at me like I'm crazy because I want to golf with my wife is insane. I enjoy spending time with her, why not have a nice day in the park too?

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Find self love first before you expect it from some one else.

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Becky Samuel

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2 years ago

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Meh. Bad advice. This just plays into the insecurities of people with trauma and makes them believe they don't deserve their relationship, even if its great.

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Listen to your spouse when a difficult issue comes up. You will definitely learn something.

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Make sure you are aligned on the big stuff:
-kids
-money
-religion
-sex

I had a buddy who was married for 7 years and wanted kids. She kept saying not now. Then found a fresh prescription for a 5 year birth control in the trash one day. They are now divorced and she took half his money.

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Kate Jones

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2 years ago

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I'd add politics to this. I know some people could not care less, but then your partner should also not care, either. Or at least you need to be with someone who is not going to make it an issue in the marriage. As we've found here in the US, politics is a huge issue and can be an emotional and violent one. If it's something that means a lot to you then it will become an issue if your partner doesn't care. I'd also add drug use to this. I know it seems silly but if you are open about using drugs frequently, then you need to be with someone who is also open to that. It WILL become an issue if you smoke pot or other recreational drugs and your partner doesn't. Especially if money is an issue.

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If you are not 100% sure of their mental stability DONT HAVE KIDS! And if you do make sure you can afford to pay all the bills on your own without them. As for kids, they complicate everything and make each decision harder all while fundamentally changing you. With that your partner will change from who you know, they will be a different person after kids.

About changes, everyone is their best self while dating, there likes and dislikes, and over a course of decades this all changes. Guys may like pizza, beer, video games, and wood working at 20 and still only like that at 50 while Girls will have 120 different hobbies and gone from heavy metal music and painting skulls to Mongolian throat singing while knitting in a room filled with fish tanks and incense with a do not disturb sign for most of the week. Or it could be the guy that goes insane and will hide in the engine compartment of a corvette for hours painting minifigs of Rosie O'Donnell while listening to the Scooby-Doo theme on repeat.

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Liz Gallagher

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2 years ago

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Weirdly specific...

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Don’t be dumb and rush into it. This takes a lot of work.

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It's not always sunshine and unicorns. There will be disagreements/fights/disappoints. Marriage can bee great but it takes work and communication.

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HangryHangryHippo

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2 years ago

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Upvote for the 🐝

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Pick and choose your battles wisely.

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Getting married is not a guarantee. It won't prevent cheating, or divorce. The only thing it does, in the case of one wanting to leave, is prolong the process.

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XenoMurph

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2 years ago

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That's not the ONLY thing it does. Or people would not renew their vows. It ALSO binds people emotionally, let's the other person show you their commitment to you, and to the relationship, and to the love they share. And if you asked a hundred other people you'd get a hundred additional reasons why they wanted to get married. There's a reason it's lasted thousands of years.

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Increase your toilet paper budget when you get married. Holy c**p I was not prepared for how much toilet paper women go through, then we had 2 daughters…

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HangryHangryHippo

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2 years ago (edited)

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Hahahaha, my MIL stayed with us for 2 months and holy shirt we couldn't understand where the TP went 🤣

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