35 Things Married Folks Wish All Unmarried People Knew About Marriage

Nobody said that marriage is going to be easy. But that’s far from the only thing nobody tells you when you’re unmarried.

Would it change your mind about tying the knot if you knew some of these things earlier? Well, you don’t need to reply just now, but rather scroll through some of the very genuine thoughts about marriage from people who have been there and done that.

“Married people of Reddit, what's something you wish unmarried people knew?” somebody asked on Ask Reddit and sooner than you knew it, the thread turned into an illuminating read that makes you wonder big time.

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Common values matter way more than common interests.

wwplkyih , Helena Lopes Report

Final score:

299points

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lenka 2 years ago

I would upvote this way more if I could!

40points

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Saying “let me ask my wife” doesn’t mean I’m asking permission. We’re a team, we make decisions together. Also, if it’s about going to or doing something, I’m really forgetful and want to make sure we haven’t already made plans.

Salty-Director538 , August de Richelieu Report

Final score:

286points

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LilliVB 2 years ago

I thought this was common knowledge. My husband always says that he has to talk to me about decisions to make, sometimes even the most mundane, and so do I. We are a family, we work and decide together about most of things. I've always thought that was the norm.

45points

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BABIES DON'T FIX RELATIONSHIPS! If you were struggling before then a baby is going to make those struggles even harder. Babies make fantastic relationships harder! Don't have a baby if you're having problems! Don't have a baby to "fix" things! Don't have a baby to try to keep your spouse from leaving! IT WONT WORK

mrsbebe , Kelly Sikkema Report

Final score:

234points

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Ivo H 2 years ago

Million times upvote to this! Children will make everything super hard, super annoying and super exhausting. At least first few years of their lives. The relationship should be prepared for this. Hoping child will solve relationship problems is like building a house in a swamp, hoping it’ll get stable in the process somehow.

40points

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Rebecca Newton, MA, licensed marriage and family therapist told Bored Panda that marriage isn't about initial attraction, shared interests, or even how much you like each other.

“A solid marriage is one that can adjust, flex, and shift through all the changes and events that will happen over the course of decades. Marriage is more about shared values, communication skills, and commitment to take action in the relationship,” Newton explained.

Spending time with my wife is neither a burden or a chore. She was my best friend before we even started dating, of course i enjoy hanging out with her.

rusty_L_shackleford , cottonbro Report

Final score:

214points

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Headless Roach 2 years ago

Best marriages (or relationships for that matter) are built on just enjoying each other's company in the first place

53points

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It’s not you vs spouse. It’s you and spouse vs problem.

Capital_Ad_2489 , Priscilla Du Preez Report

Final score:

208points

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Scout Finch 2 years ago

This is so true.

23points

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It’s better to stay single forever than to marry the wrong person

Bhappy-now , Andrea Piacquadio Report

Final score:

207points

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Jack Holt 2 years ago

Hear hear! Indeed, quality friendships are important

21points

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According to the marriage therapist, the key secrets to a happy marriage are two things: ability to communicate your needs effectively, and the ability to repair after a fight or disagreement.

Having said that, Newton sees many people who get married for the wrong reasons. “So many people feel pressured to get married when they are in their late 20's and early 30's. They feel it's ‘time’ and they settle down with whatever partner they have at the time. There is a lot of societal pressure to get married, and people aren't taught how to pick a partner or what characteristics make a great partner.”

Moreover, “People sometimes get married because all of their friends are, or they think their partner is going to be successful or financially stable,” Newton said.

For the love of God don’t go crazy with how much you spend on the wedding day. It’s ONE day and it’s over in a flash. Try to keep costs down as much as you can; that money you saved can go towards a house or into savings for when you’ll truly need it

Also, the whole “don’t go to bed mad” thing is absolutely b******t. Go to bed mad! When you have both slept on it you may see things in a different light and tensions have calmed.

“Happy wife, happy life” is toxic to a marriage as well. You should be concerned with each other’s happiness *equally*. It’s a partnership

DrPeterVankman , Rose Report

Final score:

189points

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Kay Willsher 2 years ago

I've always preferred "happy spouse, happy house" because it puts the responsibility on both parties to maintain the health of the relationship - as it should be! I like to surprise my husband by sometimes doing some of "his" chores or just surprising him with a small gift or some snuggles; he does the same for me. Relationships aren't 50/50, they are 60/40, but both should be pushing for the 60 ;)

58points

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It’s okay to use two blankets. No one likes to wake up with cold a*s cheeks because your spouse stole the blanket.

sparklingshanaya , Pavel Danilyuk Report

Final score:

175points

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Arliss Speace 2 years ago

It's okay to have separate beds. Or separate bedrooms. Not so important when young but can be helpful as couples age. Or work different hours. I've known people who remarried later in life that kept their own homes and would take turns sleeping over with each other like kids.

79points

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My heart always hurts when I hear people say "I gotta pin that man down" or "I'm going to make him put a ring on it" or other things implying that the woman is coercing the man into marrying her.

If a man doesn't WANT to be married to me, then by God, I don't want to be married to him either! If he requires that much convincing, he's not the man for you.

SnappyCappie , cottonbro Report

Final score:

168points

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Ivo H 2 years ago

I like to believe this is mostly rhetorical statement and not meant seriously :)

16points

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Another misconception Newton sees is that “people think marriage should always be fun, or that if they are with the right partner then they won't have to do the work of communicating their needs.”

“Even if we have a great partner, they are not a mind reader and they can't always be in tune with our needs. Also, as we get older our needs change. There is a huge value in consistent communication about needs,” Newton explained.

#10

It's okay for your relationship to look the way you want it to. Don't worry about stereotypes or society standards. If you enjoy separate hobbies, great. If you want to play video games together well into your 40s+, go for it. As long as you're not being abusive towards one another I really do think there's no right or wrong way to do marriage. It took me a few years to realize I didn't need to fit some "wife mold" due to the way I was raised and I'm so much happier now that we live exactly the way we want to.

readyplayer_zero , cottonbro Report

Final score:

147points

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Nea 2 years ago

Marriage is what you make of it. You dont have to fit into a set idea of this institution, you can set your own rules.

20points

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#11

Lots! Been married 29 years.

My wife is my best friend. She comes first.

Its not my money or her money. Its our money.

Big financial decisions have to be joint decisions.

If I want to go out and buy a midlife crisis car, my wife gets one too.

We have TV shows we watch together and ones we watch alone.

Life is so much more fun when you share hobbies.

Share the chores. You both eat and mess the bathroom up.

There is no I in team

Go out on dates.

Treat them like you like to be treated

You will get old together

Health issues are a team effort

You both are getting wrinkles

notevenapro Report

Final score:

134points

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Bobby 2 years ago

My FIL told me the key to a long marriage is to never stop dating your wife

51points

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#12

A gracious heartfelt apology goes a long way.

Iarmuman , cottonbro Report

Final score:

122points

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GenericPanda09 2 years ago

One of the things I think I've learned is that it doesn't matter if what you thought was 'all done and dusted' at the time, even if weeks later when you're reflecting on things - if you think on that reflection that you could have handled things better or have something to apologise for ... then do so. It can make all the difference between someone you love starting to resent you and that person you love remembering the qualities that drew you together in the first place. There is no statute of limitations on admitting when you were in the wrong.

36points

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According to the marriage therapist, people have to realize that marriage is an adventure. “You will change. Your partner will change. Don't get caught up in your expectations of them, but rather get to know them for who they are in each iteration,” Newton concluded.

#13

Compromise is not a sign of weakness. It is done out of respect for your spouse.

Rich-Diamond-9006 , Emma Bauso Report

Final score:

119points

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Nea 2 years ago

Compromise is healthy only if it happens on both sides.

38points

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#14

The wedding is just one day and does not fix any issues. It goes back to the exact same relationship afterwards. And if you're lucky, that's a good thing.

No_Yard_7363 , Mikhail Nilov Report

Final score:

114points

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lenka 2 years ago

The biggest surprise for me was that, they day we got married I thought my heart would burst from happiness and that I would never love anyone as much as I loved my husband on that day. I was wrong. In the years since I have come to realise that time has strengthened what was there and I love my husband much more now than I did then.

48points

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#15

Being married shouldn’t take away from having a good relationship with yourself.

Electronic-Cattle993 , Ron Lach Report

Final score:

105points

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Nea 2 years ago

One who loves themselves loves others in the best way.

14points

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#16

Sleeping on the couch isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sleep is important. If I’m sick, have insomnia, snoring, etc., I’ll go to the couch so that only one of us is sleep-deprived and grumpy the next day, rather than both. It’s totally ok to use the bedroom for fun sexy times and then go separate places to actually sleep.

charleychaplinman21 , Pixabay Report

Final score:

105points

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The Doom Song 2 years ago

Love my partner to death.... but my God does he snore! I end up in the spare room every other night coz hey we both need to sleep right?

27points

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#17

It’s ok to do things or spend a full day doing stuff that you enjoy by yourself.

Present-Skill-4114 , bady abbas Report

Final score:

97points

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DrBronxx 2 years ago

I love golf. But I try not to play too much, because it's one of those hobbies that can be an addiction (and an expensive one at that!). My wife and I have limited free time together, so I'm careful to space out my rounds of golf. It sometimes reaches the point where she encourages me to play. We do do our own things quite a bit, but usually while we're both at home, but I sometimes forget how much I love golf. My wife never forgets.

15points

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#18

Getting married is easy. Staying married is hard. Get help if things seem too hard. My wife and I both carried a lot of childhood trauma into our marriage. A councilor helped is both understand that and gave us tools to handle it. We're would have divorced without the help.

Spidey209 , Heather Mount Report

Final score:

95points

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lenka 2 years ago

And if one partner has trauma, and the other doesn't - the other might still need counselling to help them understand the consequences of trauma for their spouse.

28points

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#19

Find someone who is your biggest cheerleader and vice-versa, no matter what, life is so much easier

Love my wife!

SteliosCnutos , cottonbro Report

Final score:

86points

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ShaZam Beaubien 2 years ago

You should never belittle your spouse. Life is full of people trying to tear you down. You need a person to always build you up.

22points

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#20

If you tell me something, you're also telling my wife, and vice versa. I'll keep your secret from the rest of the world, but you can bet your a*s I'm spilling the tea to my wife as soon as I get home.

zuck_my_butt Report

Final score:

82points

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royal_antelope 2 years ago

that's kind of problematic :/ if it's something that doesn't affect my husband or myself in any way, i don't tell him. i don't keep secrets from him about myself, but other people's secrets are always safe with me.

48points

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#21

You can't find instantly happy or perfect match, you have to build it.

RoundProfessional95 , SHVETS production Report

Final score:

78points

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Chucky Cheezburger 2 years ago

Yep. My wife and I didnt start out attracted to each other. Well...I was attracted to her cuz she's cute, but she was afraid of me. But over time, we got to know one another and here we are 22 years married.

21points

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#22

Don’t get lazy with sex. Now that you’re monogamous, it’s time to explore and grow together. A single partner you can trust and no worries about disease or unwanted pregnancy can lead to the best sex of your life. Marriage is not a sentence to play with yourself for decades. It’s a license to get filthy with your partner! Now that I’ve had a vasectomy and she’s had a hysterectomy, we are having the best sex of our lives because no babies, no periods, no worries!

PNWBoilermaker2019 Report

Final score:

73points

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rumade 2 years ago

Also hysterectomy and menopause can lead to a loss in sex drive and that's fine

7points

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#23

You don't have to argue or "fight". You're different people and it's OK to not agree on everything. It would be weird if you did!

I see a lot of people "fighting" because they're always trying to get the other person to come around to their point of view. Accept that you're different and have fun together. In addition to loving each other, you should *like* each other.

whatyouwant22 , MART PRODUCTION Report

Final score:

62points

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Kayla Black 2 years ago

10 years with my husband and we are yet to raise our voices at each other or "fight". We discuss things. On rare occasions we firmly discuss things but it's always in a respectful manner and ego is left at the door. We both grew up in volatile households as children and we are breaking that cycle starting with us

18points

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#24

Your single problems will be your married problems. Marriage and your spouse can't fix you. Work on yourself as much as you can before you get married. For yourself and for your spouse.

happyharborgirl , Liza Summer Report

Final score:

62points

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AffenpinscherMom 2 years ago

Best advice that I have read so far.

5points

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#25

Love is a choice. Once you choose to commit to your partner, choose to keep loving them. Choose to respond with love and compassion. Choose to put them first, and vice versa. There are definitely exceptions to this, like abuse and cheating.

If you go into marriage with a self-centered focus and telling yourself you can leave if things get hard, then you will. Marriage isn't transactional, where if they don't meet your needs 100% then you should leave. Marriage really should be a partnership where you are both trying your best and recognizing that what your best is will vary based on your circumstances.

Dinonugget1801 , Ketut Subiyanto Report

Final score:

55points

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Ivo H 2 years ago

Firstly, love is not a choice. Then, for a brief moment, love can be a choice, sure, until, ultimately, love is not longer a choice. I can no longer just stop loving my wife. Surelly I can leave her (not that I want to) , but I cannot just stop loving her.

10points

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#26

It’s okay to sleep in different rooms. Really. We still have plenty of intimacy, but we both sleep much better and are able to have different schedules.

nevernom Report

Final score:

54points

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Kate Jones 2 years ago

Yes!

5points

#27

Getting married WILL NOT help solve any issues in your relationship...

LoveBaby67 , Liza Summer Report

Final score:

53points

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Ariadna 2 years ago

And shouldn’t be an ultimatum. You marry me or we are done… that’s an awful way to manipulate someone

14points

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#28

You can feel lonely as F still being in a relationship. You have to love yourself first.

AdImpressive836 , Gian Cescon Report

Final score:

53points

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Forty Seven Pandas 2 years ago

Very true. I'd say it is even more painful to be lonely in a marriage than on your own because the irony hurts so bad.

9points

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#29

There are good people out there, you can be loved consistently, deeply, and with kindness.

tara_amma , Toa Heftiba Report

Final score:

51points

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Jennifer Norton 2 years ago

I was in a really bad marriage. Managed to get out and start a new life just me and my kid. Then this man, who has two kids, came into my life. She has shown me what love and marriage are meant to be. He loves me every day, good and bad. He puts me and our kids first and is fiercely loyal and kind and loving. He makes me want to strive to be all those same things in return. It's out there people I promise!!!

11points

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#30

Sex really does get better the longer you work at it.

elchignacio , Womanizer Toys Report

Final score:

44points

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The Doom Song 2 years ago

Good communication is the key....

14points

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#31

Marriage changes nothing about a relationship. You’ll be exactly the same after marriage as you were before. Kids on the other hand….

taylor52087 , Tim Mossholder Report

Final score:

43points

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Forty Seven Pandas 2 years ago

This is very true. Kids basically are adding a new relationship into the mix. Your relationship with the kid. The kids relationship with your partner. All the time, effort, affection that went into you as a couple must also be shared with this new person. Hopefully you enjoy the new experience but of course, for some people it begins as a real struggle (especially if you are contending with sleepless nights and all the new financial needs!). I know a couple who waited to have children, and spent the first 3 years building a strong marriage, as well as saving, and bought a house before they started having kids. I think it was a great approach. They got married quite young so it was easier to make that decision. I married in my 30s and didn't want to wait.

4points

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#32

Marriage (and long term relationships in general) are a lot less work if done with the right person.

It seems obvious, but looking through a lot of these comments, I'm seeing disasters of relationships leading to the idea that marriage is a ton of work, or that fights and insults are just something to be expected, or that you have to have a plan for therapy and constant apologies and reconciliation - my wife and I have none of this in our marriage. We're compatible: we enjoy each other's company, respect each other's boundaries, and get along easily.

It seems to me that the tricky part is finding the right person, so that you don't end up with the tricky part of averting divorce and disaster while married to the wrong person. I don't know that there are any magic bullets to that trick, but I can tell you that issues like sitting down with a marriage counselor or learning how to reconcile after a screaming match don't have to be part of navigating a marriage if you're not that incompatible to begin with.

CAustin3 , Emma Bauso Report

Final score:

40points

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nini 2 years ago

I find that advice a bit dangerous, as it can lead to people being afraid of counselling or therapy, which they shouldn't be. Noone's 100% compatible, there may always be some conflicts, and in my opinion it's better to face and resolve them (with or without help from counselling) instead of trying to ignore problems or avoid conflicts. Conflict can lead to growth of handled correctly, and never having any conflict at all is not a sign for a healthy relationship in my opinion, but shows that at least on of the partner puts his needs behind. Which in the long run cannot be fulfilling. This person writes from their perspective, but I would really like to know what their partner feels about this.

12points

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#33

You never marry a girl you marry her whole family.

Green-Mango-More Report

Final score:

39points

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ShaZam Beaubien 2 years ago

Unfortunately, that's true. How I wish it wasn't.

14points

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#34

Divorce is awful and terrible and painful. Before you enter into marriage, realize that the only way out ( except death I guess) is a very painful, public, and traumatizing experience. If you don’t truly believe you can make it work for the rest of your life, don’t do it unless you can handle the train wreck that is divorce.

Listening_Heads , cottonbro Report

Final score:

38points

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Bobby 2 years ago

I've seen some very short, concise, and amiable divorces, but I'll agree they are the minority of cases

5points

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#35

That the butterflies in the tummy, the wibbles when you see them, the fairytale romance of it all is a big lie. Don't marry that person, it won't end well. And don't have a list of requirements that can change in an instant: good job, money, a certain physique or hair colour, house, car, etc. Three paychecks can change all that. If you must have a list then make it on qualities: kind, funny, tender, honest.

Marry someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, the person you want at your side to share in triumphs and disasters alike. Marry the person who will stick with you for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Life is very different in your 20s and 30s than it is in your 70s and 80s. Will you clean up their vomit? Will they wipe your backside when you can't? Do you feel you have to hold back on what you tell or show them? Can you fart in front of them? Do you see yourself wiping up their eye gunk in 50 years time?

It's OK to have deal-breakers, but make them good ones. Ours are cheating and hitting. Anything else we can work out. A disagreement does not mean the end of our marriage, it means we need to talk and work out *together* what we're going to do about it. And if it's not the right time for a discussion then say so, talk when you are both well rested, fed and watered, not when you've both arrived home tired and hungry after a shocker of a day in work. Admit that there is a disagreement, but that it doesn't stop you loving each other.

We're 4 and a half years married, 7 years together. We have never had an argument. We disagree sometimes, but we talk it out and know that our disagreement doesn't mean we don't love each other, so if our talk is postponed because I am tired or he is stressed with work, we support each other with those things and talk it out when we're ready to.

MadWifeUK Report

Final score:

34points

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lenka 2 years ago

I am sorry, but I don't agree with this statement... "That the butterflies in the tummy, the wibbles when you see them, the fairytale romance of it all is a big lie. Don't marry that person, it won't end well." I STILL feel like that sometimes with my husband (+12 years). Not all the time. But occasionally. My parents in law who are married for 40 years still feel like that sometimes. Yes, there has to be MORE than the butterflies but they should be there.

30points

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#36

The person they are before you marry them is the person they’ll be after. Don’t believe marriage makes a person change or “grow up”.

absinthe00 Report

Final score:

16points

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JessG 2 years ago

As a certain Mars/Venus book said: “women go into a [marriage] hoping he will change, and men go in hoping she will never change”. Don’t enter into a marriage with any expectations that they will or won’t change, know and understand each other, and grow together.

2points

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#37

Life is hard. A marriage is the ultimate partnership. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I have her back. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS she has my back.

Only enter a marriage if you truly support your partner for better or worse. Furthermore, you are going to experience some of the "OR WORSE"

A good marriage is when both partners can take on a “OR WORSE" situation, support each other and come out okay.

I've been with my wife for 13 years. It's not all sunshine and roses. We stay together because of honest conversations, even the really hard conversations.

You have to have those long talks in which you get to the core beliefs. Not surface talks, once you have a framework of core values then you and your partner can actually make real decisions.

Somechia Report

Final score:

15points

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Kristin Burggraf 1 year ago

How is this not number 1?

1point

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#38

Don't hide anything from your SO(secrets, behavior, opinions, tastes, plans, wishes, what turns you on/off). The longer you keep it, the more you'll see that it's not your real self and it gets harder is to get it out

pcatalunia , Ba Tik Report

Final score:

15points

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Lyone Fein 2 years ago

If you are hiding things about yourself, then is it really you that they love? Or just some made up person?

1point

#39

With the right person, monogamy is not a shackle. There is nothing wrong with polyamory, but a lot of people, whether they be polyamorists, chronic bachelors, or cheating scumbags will talk about not wanting to be "tied down," or not understanding why people get married. Marriage has not tied me down at all. I still have hobbies, likes, dislikes, friends, a life separate from my wife's, but also a shared life with her.

bonkava Report

Final score:

14points

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Powercat 2 years ago

I always tell my husband that I don't want our mariage to be something that blocks him from experiencing things. I want it to be a reason for him to feel safe and free to experience new things. We're not actively polyamory but we are open to the idea of having fun with other people. We make sure to keep in check with what the other is or isn't comfortable with and are aware that it can change. Trust and respect are everything. No jealousy, no shame.

5points

#40

You have to marry the *right* person. How do you know who that person is? Your values match up. If your values don’t match up at least 95% DON’T MARRY THAT PERSON.

Electronic_Rub9385 Report

Final score:

13points

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#41

During a long relationship you will face devastating emotional events (ie, death of parents) that will test the limits of your bond. If you married anyone less than your best friend, your relationship will not survive. The divorce rate of partners who’ve lost children is almost 67%. My wife and I have lost our son, and both sets of parents during our 38 years of marriage, and we wouldn’t have survived if not for the fact that we’re best friends who are emotionally bonded beyond the bedroom.

TopGrun1 Report

Final score:

13points

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Niki A 2 years ago

We lost an unexpected baby this year (Would have been our third.), and we made the decision to try again. It was rough. There were a lot of tears, wanting to give up, and just general anxiety. We are now pregnant again. I would not have had the strength to go on without him. This following us separating, reuniting, losing multiple family members, and battling having low-paying jobs. Without his support, nothing would have improved.

1point

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#42

Please please please get to know your partner well before getting legally involved with them. You should already try out living together, discussing your values/dreams/life goals, important life decisions (like children and whether you want them or not), etc etc. You don't want to find out this stuff after the fact and have it be something you can't live with. Divorce is expensive, can make people turn very ugly very quickly, and doesn't always end well.

gh0stcelestial Report

Final score:

13points

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Kate Jones 2 years ago

I can't upvote this enough. Day after day I see people who move in together after like 3 weeks of even knowing each other and are then surprised when they end up in court suing over who owes who what money. It doesn't even need to be marriage. Co-mingling money with someone you aren't married to is gong to end up being a problem because you may break up. And chances are likely it will not be a 'good' break-up. Someone will get hurt and then want to lash out because of that. So they react emotionally and suddenly start thinking about all the money they spent on you and suddenly want it back. Or they will destroy your property as revenge. Or take money from you in some way. If you want to co-mingle money, get a separate bank account with both of your names on it and you can each contribute to it. Expect that money to be gone if things go bad so you aren't surprised when it happens. It's like they say, 'never loan money to someone unless you can afford to not get it back'.

2points

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#43

There are, in fact, "correct" ways to load a dishwasher, fold towels, and do laundry.

The ACTUAL correct way that your spouse does any of those things is at all. Don't focus on the "they did X wrong." You'll do plenty of little things that will irritate your spouse. Focus on the "they DID X." So many relationships end up with one person pulling the weight of maintaining the household when it should be a partnership. That means sharing appreciation for one another's efforts.... Even if you end up redoing it later.

On a side note, try out your spouse's interests/hobbies, too. Like, actually TRY. Even if it's not your thing and doesn't end up as a buddies thing, they will always remember and love the time you tried.

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Becky Samuel 2 years ago

If someone volunteers to do a job for me and they reduce my workload at the end of the day rather than increase it, then they have done right by me. If I have to pick up a cloth and wipe the crumbs from under the toaster, or a dish has turned upside-down in the dishwasher, that's still a lot less work on my end than cleaning the whole kitchen, and they have my gratitude.

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#44

Learn to communicate. With each other. Good communication goes a long way to keeping things together. Both parties have to be willing and able to sit down and talk about things, maybe not right away, but at some point. Have some give and take. Realise that you come from different circumstances and that you won't always be speaking the same language, but taking things through will make the biggest difference. Oh, and if you can't communicate with someone at all before you get married, don't.

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Powercat 2 years ago

Say what you mean out loud. Don't expect the other to read your mind. Maybe they can sometimes, just don't expect it. Say how you feel about things, say what you're thinking, say what bothers you, even if it seems trivial or stupid. It will give context and your spouse will understand you better. Sometimes when my husband or I feel stressed about something stupid we just say it to each other, have a good laugh about it and immediately the weight of it disappears. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable with each other makes you stronger as a team.

2points

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#45

1. It’s work. Lots of work.
2. You are a support for your spouse to be the best person they can be.
3. You will have to compromise your hopes and dreams to help them fulfill their hopes and dreams. They should do the same for you.
4. This won’t look like a Disney movie with a fairy tail ending.
5. Your relationship needs to work for you, there is no one size fits all for how you love and support each other. Some couples need space others need to do everything together.
6. If kids are in the plan or pop up, it is the biggest stress test you will face.

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Anonymous 2 years ago

Well, usually, the fairy tales end with the wedding and not what comes after.

1point

#46

Marriage is *not* 50/50. If each person doesn't give 100%, then if one or the other is ever not at 100%, it can break down.

Marriage isn't for or about *you*, it has to be for and about your *spouse*. If each partner puts their spouse's needs as their first priority, it works much better.

Love is not an emotion, it is a conscious act of will. You make a choice to love them each and every day, regardless of how you are feeling. Learn what both of your love languages are, and speak to those for each other. Make sure to communicate and express your needs and feelings, though.

Source: 17 years (and counting) of marriage to the same woman.

Also, it doesn't hurt to watch/attend "Laugh Your Way To a Better Marriage" conference by Mark Gungor.

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Anonymous 2 years ago

"Love isn't an emotion, it's a promise." -The Doctor.

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#47

It's a heck of a lot of work, but not hard work. But you have to do it, each and every day. Some people get tired of doing it everyday. Some people never wanted to do it everyday. Some people make one partner do it all. Sometimes it doesn't work. It only works so long as you wake up and do it every day, there are no days off.

To clarify, what do I mean by the work? It goes beyond mere division of labor and assets, though that's important as well. It means division of emotional labor, of both parties being sure every day to be sensitive to each other, to do tasks without being told, to listen to one another, to work together to solve problems, help each other through acute and chronic illness.

Over time (almost 9 years here), romance and passion does tend to fade -- sometimes it's just getting older (I definitely do not have the same sexual enegery now that I did then, husband too). It's not about replacing romance or passion, but making sure that you have a partner, a real steadfast companion who you can lean on, who makes life easier not harder, who makes life fun not boring, who makes us feel like we're not alone. Where a lot of folks trip up is that they look for that in partner, but then don't give the same in return. Marriage is about doing a lot of giving and taking, and that balance gets messed up a lot.

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Becky Samuel 2 years ago

It sounds like this person is having to work way too hard to justify this marriage to themselves. 35 years in and, while there have been rough patches, I can't imagine feeling this jaded about our relationship. I don't have to remind myself to be sensitive to his feelings or to listen, because I genuinely like and love him.

0points

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#48

This is a magic phrase: “Will you forgive me for ______?”

My husband and I commonly use it for if we get irritated and snap at each other, but it works for most things. It’s an apology and an acknowledgment of what you did wrong all at once and it’s asking for forgiveness rather than expecting it with an “I’m sorry.”

Partners are going to disagree, have bad days, all that. If you stop feeling like a team, those things add up and turn into me vs you. So try to assume the best. If your spouse does something really annoying, maybe it’s because they weren’t thinking rather than maliciously trying to make your life harder. Give them the benefit of a doubt.

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#49

It’s not a 50/50 thing. It’s 100/100.

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#50

Do not get married or stay married if your marriage or relationship limits your life or on what you want to do. A good marriage/relationship would allow both people to seek their dreams and for you both to travel or do what you would like to do together or even on your own. Marriage shouldn’t be a sort of cage. It should be full of trust and endless opportunity and support of each other.

Neve_Dreve Report

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Kate Jones 2 years ago

Agreed. Staying in a bad marriage-- especially 'for the kids'-- is such a bad idea and prolonging the relief you'll feel once you inevitable do divorce. Not only that but your children are not being helped by staying together. Kids are smarter than you know and can pick up on hatred between their parents. Usually there's fighting and you're hurting them by keeping them living in that atmosphere. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to work on it and figure it out but if it's really at a point where you can't recover or reconcile, just do it. Divorce doesn't hold the same shameful connotation anymore. The kids will be okay especially since you're happier. That's what your kids really want.

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#51

You don't need companionship to be happy.

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lenka 2 years ago

? I am confused as to how this comment fits into marriage advice? If I wasn't happy with the companionship of my partner I would not be married? Or are they saying you need need to get married to be happy?

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#52

Its the small things that matter. Be a part of each others lives. Even if you do one thing, do it consistently, like taking out the garbage everyday. Commit to your duties. Dont decide u dont want to so because it is not rewarding or u r not thanked for it.
My dad died 8 years back and even today when my mom makes her morning tea or checks the door before going to sleep, she remembers him.

somein94 Report

Final score:

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#53

Never stop dating your partner; marriage doesn't mean you get to be complacent. This means making time and setting your schedules aside just as you did when you weren't engaged for your loved one.

anengineerandacat Report

Final score:

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Kate Jones 2 years ago

YES!!!! This x1000. You have to make the time even if it's just hanging around the house together without the kids. Spending money on good day care who will take the kids out of the house for a whole day is really worth it. If you can try to find room in your budget for it-- it's worth it. It doesn't need to be a night date. Do something on a saturday afternoon. Role play if that's your thing. Go for a drive and find somewhere to just make out together. Play, touch, and find something- a hobby or team- that is just yours to have fun doing. Too many people feel the need to include their kids in every single thing they do and make no time for each other separate from that and then end up resenting it. Make the time.

0points

#54

I just started golfing. The amount of people thst look at me like I'm crazy because I want to golf with my wife is insane. I enjoy spending time with her, why not have a nice day in the park too?

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#55

Find self love first before you expect it from some one else.

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Becky Samuel 2 years ago

Meh. Bad advice. This just plays into the insecurities of people with trauma and makes them believe they don't deserve their relationship, even if its great.

1point

#56

Listen to your spouse when a difficult issue comes up. You will definitely learn something.

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#57

Make sure you are aligned on the big stuff:
-kids
-money
-religion
-sex

I had a buddy who was married for 7 years and wanted kids. She kept saying not now. Then found a fresh prescription for a 5 year birth control in the trash one day. They are now divorced and she took half his money.

ralphiooo0 Report

Final score:

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Kate Jones 2 years ago

I'd add politics to this. I know some people could not care less, but then your partner should also not care, either. Or at least you need to be with someone who is not going to make it an issue in the marriage. As we've found here in the US, politics is a huge issue and can be an emotional and violent one. If it's something that means a lot to you then it will become an issue if your partner doesn't care. I'd also add drug use to this. I know it seems silly but if you are open about using drugs frequently, then you need to be with someone who is also open to that. It WILL become an issue if you smoke pot or other recreational drugs and your partner doesn't. Especially if money is an issue.

2points

#58

If you are not 100% sure of their mental stability DONT HAVE KIDS! And if you do make sure you can afford to pay all the bills on your own without them. As for kids, they complicate everything and make each decision harder all while fundamentally changing you. With that your partner will change from who you know, they will be a different person after kids.

About changes, everyone is their best self while dating, there likes and dislikes, and over a course of decades this all changes. Guys may like pizza, beer, video games, and wood working at 20 and still only like that at 50 while Girls will have 120 different hobbies and gone from heavy metal music and painting skulls to Mongolian throat singing while knitting in a room filled with fish tanks and incense with a do not disturb sign for most of the week. Or it could be the guy that goes insane and will hide in the engine compartment of a corvette for hours painting minifigs of Rosie O'Donnell while listening to the Scooby-Doo theme on repeat.

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Liz Gallagher 2 years ago

Weirdly specific...

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#59

Don’t be dumb and rush into it. This takes a lot of work.

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#60

It's not always sunshine and unicorns. There will be disagreements/fights/disappoints. Marriage can bee great but it takes work and communication.

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HangryHangryHippo 2 years ago

Upvote for the 🐝

0points

#61

Pick and choose your battles wisely.

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#62

Getting married is not a guarantee. It won't prevent cheating, or divorce. The only thing it does, in the case of one wanting to leave, is prolong the process.

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XenoMurph 2 years ago

That's not the ONLY thing it does. Or people would not renew their vows. It ALSO binds people emotionally, let's the other person show you their commitment to you, and to the relationship, and to the love they share. And if you asked a hundred other people you'd get a hundred additional reasons why they wanted to get married. There's a reason it's lasted thousands of years.

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#63

Increase your toilet paper budget when you get married. Holy c**p I was not prepared for how much toilet paper women go through, then we had 2 daughters…

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HangryHangryHippo 2 years ago (edited)

Hahahaha, my MIL stayed with us for 2 months and holy shirt we couldn't understand where the TP went 🤣

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What do you think ?

Blazej Kowalczyk 2 years ago

One thing that was very important to me: discuss your values beforehand. I'm talking big stuff - kids, money, politics, religion etc.

marianne eliza 2 years ago

If you're engaged to someone who cares more about the wedding than the marriage, run. Run far. Run fast.

Got Myself 4 Pandas 2 years ago

My first marriage - total abusive train wreck that traumatised me. My current marriage, peaceful, loving, supportive - we rarely fight, can talk about anything which after my first marriage took me a long time to be comfortable with as I'd still get that fear of his reaction even though he'd never once shown any sign he would react badly, that was a me problem left over from the abuse from before. My marriage just works, it's not hard, it's not consciously deciding to be one way it another, we just work well together.

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