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50 Jokes About Being Married That Are Funny Even If You’re Not

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When you think of it, married life seems like quite an odd thing - you choose a similarly weird person like yourself, fall in love, and decide to stay weird together for the rest of your lives. The weirdness starts to fade over time, you both get more serious (up to a point where you start to get weirder and weirder again), and you might even produce a spawn that’ll share half of you and half of your significant other. And though it might seem like a good idea and a peachy kind of path, in all truthfulness, married life is full of hilarious misunderstandings, silly miscommunications, and miserably missed signs. All of which are entirely natural, yet, at the same time, great fodder for married life jokes! To which we are dedicating this whole article, because if you don’t laugh at your woes… Well, you don’t laugh at your woes.

As stated above, these jokes will mainly discuss the three Horsemen of married life - the misunderstandings, miscommunication, and missed signs. And although those might seem like quite severe problems, those are actually often what make marriage fun and lively. You can trust me on that, since I have had my own weirdo for several years now, so talking from experience here. And if you feel that some of these relationship jokes are just too serious, you just haven’t reached that point in your marriage yet.

So, married or not, let’s find our way to the hilarious jokes, which are just an inch or so lower. You can definitely reach them by scrolling or swiping just a tiny bit, and then you’ll be able to witness these married life jokes (also appropriate for those in long-term relationships) with your very own eyes! Don’t forget to vote for the ones that struck your heartstrings and share this article with your S.O., your mom, or maybe read them out loud to your office co-workers.

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#1

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”

“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”

“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”

“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

376points

Lovin' Life 2 years ago

Oldie but goodie! One of my favorites

92points

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#2

Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer: Woman: "I need to buy some arsenic." Pharmacist:" Why do you need arsenic?" Woman: "I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband." Pharmacist: "WHAT?" Woman: "You heard me! I want to kill my husband!" Pharmacist: "Why on earth would you want to do that?" Woman: "Because he's having an affair with YOUR wife!!!" Pharmacist: "Well why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"

350points

Travis Fox 2 years ago

This should be higher lol!

53points

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#3

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead," I said.

She looked mystified. "How do you figure?"

"I married better," I replied.

343points

Candia Lee 2 years ago

This should be higher. Positive, not neg, like most of these jokes

82points

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#4

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she said. "If you smile, put them back."

300points

Joanna Werman 2 years ago

Very well said

71points

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#5

"Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

As I'd hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.

When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?""

297points

Meredith Hill-Mulligan 2 years ago

Oh my goodness! I almost spat out my pop laughing at that!

75points

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#6

"When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist," said my husband's grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, "Now look how much I got. That's what I call an investment!"

292points

Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W 2 years ago

Great attitude

69points

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#7

"I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?"

275points

catrin Watts 2 years ago

1 person could have got married twice

62points

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#8

On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.

"For example," he began, pointing to my husband, David, "do you know your wife's favorite flower?"

David answered, "Pillsbury All Purpose."

270points

Mushroomlover 2 years ago

That’s actually more impressive than knowing her favorite flower!!!!

146points

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#9

A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!"

242points

Buren 2 years ago

Bahahahha

46points

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#10

"My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."

"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.

"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman.""

234points

Kiran 2 years ago

The bridge is always the winner.😉

29points

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#11

"My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?""

234points

ShriSha Kamboj 2 years ago

pretend i am on an airplane

60points

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#12

My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield.

When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. "I really think you love me," she said. "At least 70 people called and told me so."

222points

Jessica Gunn 2 years ago

This is actually a fantastic romantic idea!

52points

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#13

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor... A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.” - Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois

207points

Vicky Z 2 years ago

Could be a mum also! Don't you dare step on a wet floor after your mum has mopped

27points

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#14

"The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works."

"That's okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home like that."

203points

ShriSha Kamboj 2 years ago

experience

27points

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#15

Both my fiancé and I are in our 40s. I thought it was both amusing and touching when he assumed the classic position to propose to me—down on one bended knee.

"Are you serious?" I asked, laughing.

"Of course I'm serious," he said. "I'm on my bad knee."

201points

Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey 2 years ago (edited)

oh i understand that! that's a lifetime commitment!

43points

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#16

Do you want dinner?

Sure, what are my choices?

Yes and no.

194points

Lovin' Life 2 years ago

Perfect

38points

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#17

My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home. The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear.

When it did not, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug. "It's okay, Mom," she said. "The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again."

188points

Lexipoo 2 years ago

Honey- that’s not how it works

4points

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#18

The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. "Well," said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, "she's there."

172points

StormWolf 2 years ago

Read that staring on the second line and it takes on a whole new meaning ;)

25points

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#19

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.” Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked. “Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

168points

Arctic Fox Lover 2 years ago

Yep. She sold 2 dolls for $47,500 each! :D

27points

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#20

'If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"

"Would she live in my house?"

"It's all paid up, so yes."

"Would she drive my car?"

"It's new, so yes."

"Would she use my golf clubs?"

"No. She's left-handed."

161points

Jo Johannsen 2 years ago

Oops.

66points

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#21

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She answered, “I do.” -Michael Jordan, Moss Point, Mississippi

147points

KritiKrish Thambidurai 2 years ago

that's so sweet

13points

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#22

For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini incision, which, along with the previous scars, would form an arrow on my tummy. "Honey," my husband joked when I told him, "after 13 years and 4 kids, I hardly need directions."

143points

Angela B 2 years ago

Snort laugh.....

20points

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#23

My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage.

"With this ring…" I began romantically.

"We could pay off Visa," he responded.

134points

Dillon Brown 2 years ago

The re-sell value of diamonds is really low and jewelry as well. Smh, probably couldn't get much for it.

12points

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#24

Whats the difference between love and marriage?

Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!

131points

ShriSha Kamboj 2 years ago

bitter truth but sweet joke

23points

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#25

"Clearly, my husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. The other night, after I crawled into bed next to him, he wrapped his large arms around me, drew a deep breath, and whispered, "Mmm … that Vicks smells good."

126points

Vicky Z 2 years ago

Even though it's expired for the last 20 years it still smells good

39points

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#26

As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties, and the marital counselor said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."

125points

XenoMurph 2 years ago

I used to love jokes like this, but not anymore. I'm an ex tractor fan.

61points

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#27

"My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me."

124points

C C 2 years ago

"Nothing. I'm fine."

17points

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#28

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status "I'm getting a divorce," he was the first one to click Like.

122points

tuzdayschild 2 years ago

As long as everyone's happy

24points

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#29

"Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain-stimulating" pills at the health food store. But it wasn't until I got home that I read the label.

"This is just rosemary extract," I complained to my husband. "I can't believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing like wild in the yard!"

"See?" he said. "You're smarter already."

121points

Jo Johannsen 2 years ago

And she immediately knew where to bury the body.

46points

#30

"My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.

"Who would you pick to portray you?" she asked me.

I thought about it for a minute, then answered, "Dennis Quaid."

"In that case," she said, "I'll play myself."

117points

Auntriarch 2 years ago

Snort-laugh!

14points

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#31

"My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. "What?!" he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. "Turn over—you're snoring," I said. He did as instructed and while doing so muttered, "That's nothing; you should hear my wife snore.""

113points

Theoretical Empiricist 2 years ago

Sounds like it's time for his & hers CPAP machines.

32points

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#32

"Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, "Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?" "Not really," I replied. "Did you marry him for his money?" "Definitely not," I laughed. "He didn’t have any." "So," he said, "You just felt sorry for him." - Linda Watson, Edinburgh, Scotland

109points

Candia Lee 2 years ago

Big heart and a great sense of humor.

18points

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#33

"My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was.

"Oh, we've been married ten years," I said."

"Really?" she asked. "But you look so happy."

109points

Kristal 2 years ago

Goals

16points

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#34

I dreamed I was rocking a baby to sleep. In the morning, my husband, who is bald, told me I patted his head for 30 minutes while repeating, “Go to sleep, baby.”

108points

Lioness Nature 2 years ago

Baby fever is real.

13points

#35

An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.

"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."

The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"

She said, "Six."

The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."

Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

108points

K J 2 years ago

bruh..

25points

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#36

"During an attack of laryngitis, I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant "Give me a kiss." Two taps meant "No." Three taps meant "Yes"—and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage.""

106points

Buren 2 years ago

But...but..there are notepad, phone and foreheads to write on. To be fair, you would need mirror to read what is written on the forehead

4points

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#37

"I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.

"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t.""

105points

r tommo 2 years ago

This is so my parents :)

8points

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#38

"My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment."

102points

Tom Bolton 2 years ago

Depends on if you're married to a lawyer or a psychologist.

19points

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#39

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls. "Your wife must like rolls," he said. "How do you know these are for my wife?" I asked. "Because your mother wouldn't send you out in weather like this."

100points

tuzdayschild 2 years ago

huh...true

17points

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#40

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!" The hypnotherapist shakes his head. "Not again …" - Alan lynch, Ithaca, New York

97points

M 2 years ago

uh-oh...

9points

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#41

Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”

Friend: “Why not?”

Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

94points

Lovin' Life 2 years ago

Hahaha

14points

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#42

A husband-and-wife photography team we know shoot their pictures together, do their developing and printing together—in fact, they're together 24 hours of the day. We wondered how they managed to keep up such good working relations.

"Well, frankly," the wife said, "it wouldn't work out if one of us didn't have a good disposition."

"Which one?" we asked.

"Oh," she laughed, "we take turns."

87points

Catherine 2 years ago

Aww reminds me of one I've read before. Someone asked their grandmother who had been married for 60 years what the secret was to a lasting marriage and the grandmother replied we both never wanted a divorce on the same day. And being married 17 years myself, I felt that 😅

19points

#43

"On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, "I have a confession." She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, "Darling, so do I." Recoiling, he says, "Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks."" - Justin Ezzi, Wilmington, California.

84points

Owen 2 years ago

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

2points

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#44

"On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items." - Glen Zeider

79points

Kevin Swanepoel 2 years ago

On my best friends wedding his mother calmly walked up to the happy couple, turned to the bride and said, "... He's your problem now..." Legend!

27points

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#45

One night when I dropped in at the police station on my news beat, a large, efficient-looking woman in uniform who packed a service revolver at her waist was behind the sergeant's desk. After checking the blotter, I returned to the car, where my wife was waiting for me.

"You should see the new woman on the force," I said. "She's tremendous, and wearing a .38."

I didn't notice the silence until my wife broke it icily with, "I wear a 38."

77points

Candia Lee 2 years ago

Good joke.

17points

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#46

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife, I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this message: “You need to get back to work now; you have a husband to support.” Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to work now; you have a has-been to support.” - John Brown, Jenks, Oklahoma

75points

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#47

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?” “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.” The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

73points

FrozenThunderbolt 2 years ago

Chronic torpidity

32points

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#48

"Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy" - Groucho Marx

69points

Tee Witt 2 years ago

Must admit I have always wondered where that cam from.

2points

#49

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

68points

#50

I was perusing the shelves at a bookstore when a customer asked an employee where the birding section was. After pointing it out, the employee asked, “Is there anything specific you’re looking for?” “Yes,” said the customer. - "My husband". —A.H. via rd.com

62points

Ambry Petersen 10 months ago

I don't have that problem. Me and my Hubby are both bookworms. When in a bookstore were both so lost lost looking at books we have no time to look for each other lol.

0points

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#51

While a woman is keeping vigil beside her husband's deathbed, he says to her, "Before I die, I have something to confess to you."

"Shh, not now," she replies.

"But I need to tell you: I cheated on you," he admits.

"Yes, I know," she replies.

"I need to clear my conscience before I die… "

"Shh," she counters. "Just lie back and let the poison work."

36points

K J 2 years ago

Lmao!!

2points

#52

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license. "Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired. "No," I replied.

"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."

35points

Qibli of the SandWings 2 years ago

The clerk always knows…

0points

#53

A police officer in a small town stopped a driver speeding down the main street. The driver said he could explain why he was speeding, but the police officer said he was going to put him in jail until the Chief got back, but lucky for the driver that the chief will be in a good mood because he is at his daughter's wedding. The driver said, "Don't count on it. I'm the groom."

34points

Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey 2 years ago

hahahahahaha

1point

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#54

Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! He leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another ten years before eventually keeling over.

Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, "Watch the wall!"

33points

#55

There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there's me. One day I couldn't stand it any longer. "Why don't you ever bring me flowers?" I asked.

"What's the point?" my husband said. "They die after about a week."

"So could you," I shot back, "but I still like having you around."

33points

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#56

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

"University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.

33points

Antonia 2 years ago

print on the shirt... haha

0points

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#57

Nancy was Catholic, but her fiancé, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial sessions. At one meeting the priest turned to Chris and told him, "Since you are not Catholic, we shall have the ceremony without Eucharist."

Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong. "I don't understand," he said. "How can we have the ceremony without me?"

32points

#58

Hoping to lose some weight, my wife told me she wanted to get an exercise bicycle. I reminded her that she had a very nice and rather expensive bike in the garage. She explained that she wanted a stationary one.

"Your bicycle has been stationary," I remarked. "That's why you need to lose ten pounds."

32points

Buren 2 years ago

I hope he is alive and well

16points

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#59

"My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, "I’ve got it! You’re constipated!"" - Tracy Vance, Ocala, Florida

31points

Kona Pake 2 years ago

Only a woman knows.

3points

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#60

My client buys many rental properties, not always with the enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered. “Oh, thank God,” she said. “I thought she was selling you another house.” - Patti Simkins, Columbus, Georgia

31points

#61

Scene: My checkout line at the supermarket.

Me: Paper or plastic?

Customer: I'd like double-bagged paper, and I'd like you to make each bag as heavy as possible.

Me: Okay.

Customer: In case you're wondering, I had a fight with my wife, and it's my turn to pick up the groceries.

Me: Uh-huh.

Customer: It's also her turn to unload the car.

30points

Buren 2 years ago

That is a flawed system, why would the person shopping and unloading grocery be different? You'd never have a day off!

3points

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#62

At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied. "I just spent ten days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting."

30points

#63

When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest," she said.

"How long have you been married?" I asked.

"Ten years," she replied.

30points

Shelby Moonheart 2 years ago

My dad used to say the first 50 years are the hardest.

2points

#64

"My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night."

29points

#65

It may have been the most romantic statement ever uttered in our courthouse. In between hearings, a wedding was performed. As the newlyweds left the courtroom, the bride nestled up to the groom and cooed, "Isn't it nice to be here when we're not being convicted of something?"

29points

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#66

Recently engaged, my brother-in-law Jeff brought his fiancée home to meet the family. When asked if she was enjoying herself, she politely replied yes. "She would say that," Jeff interjected. "She's not the type to say no."

"I see," my husband said after a brief silence. "And that explains the engagement."

29points

K J 2 years ago

He's gonna need more than aloe for that burn! Yikes!

4points

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#67

I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked into the room behind me. "See anything you like?" I asked suggestively.

"Yeah," she said. "You doing housework."

29points

#68

My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

29points

Raven DeathShade 2 years ago

That'd do it for ya.

4points

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#69

My husband is a big Atlanta Braves fan. When I saw an ad on television for a baseball autographed by one of his favorite players that cost $42, I rushed out and bought it for him as a gift.

That evening as we were watching television, the same commercial came on. Slyly I glanced over at my husband just as he commented, "What kind of idiot would pay $42 for a baseball?"

29points

Mohsie Supposie 2 years ago

An idiot in love!

6points

#70

As I stripped off my sweatshirt at the breakfast table one warm morning, my T-shirt started to come off too.

My husband let out a low whistle. I took it as a compliment until he said, from behind his newspaper, "Can you believe the price of bananas?"

29points

Buren 2 years ago

But look at the price of banana!

4points

#71

Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today?

Wife: He takes everything literally. I can’t stand it.

Husband: My truck.

28points

Buren 2 years ago

I don't really mind people who takes everything literally. It's the drama and deception that are tiring

7points

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#72

When my petite mother found her seat on the airplane, she was crushed between my 200-plus-pound father and another large man.

"I bet you wish you'd married a smaller man," my father said.

My mother mumbled, "I did."

28points

Tim Douglass 2 years ago

Ouch! That hits too close to home!

4points

#73

An item on craigslist: "Antique sewing table refinished by my wife, $30. If she's home, $100."

28points

Christina Hill 2 years ago

This is person specific not gender specific, for example we have a storage closet full of crap because my husband insists it is all valuable and could make a lot of money... but will then refuse to sell anything. So i guess what im saying is there's a fine line between collecting and hoarding.

2points

#74

Two convicts are working on a chain gang. "I heard the warden's daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D," the first con says to the other. "The warden's mighty upset about it too."

"Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a con?"

"No. Because they eloped."

28points

#75

While in the checkout line at my local hardware store I overheard one man say to another, "My wife has been after me to paint our shed. But I let it go for so long she got mad and did it herself."

His friend nodded. "I like women who get mad like that."

28points

Narwhal Blast 2 years ago

Women who get mad like that will soon understand they don't want or need men like this in their life, if they're doing it all...

14points

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#76

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

27points

Weed in the Garden 2 years ago

One of my favorite old jokes, told this one for years. "Today's the day' is also an inside joke in the family.

1point

#77

"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers" - Richard Pryor

27points

#78

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

27points

K Sarfo 2 years ago

Hahahaha

2points

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#79

On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.

27points

#80

On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough.

"Kids," he said over the din, "if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me."

Our six-year-old shot back: "Too late, I already got you another present."

27points

#81

Enclosed with the heartworm pills my friend received from a veterinarian was a sheet of red heart stickers to place on a calendar as a reminder to give her pet the medication. She attached these stickers to her kitchen calendar, marking the first Saturday of every month. When her husband noticed the hearts, he grinned from ear to ear, turned to his wife and asked, “Do you have something special in mind for these days?”

27points

Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey 2 years ago

and the answer is: "i certainly do!" (and then start planning)

6points

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#82

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful—we never felt hungry!

But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was "Serves 6."

27points

Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey 2 years ago

the curse of every recipe....

3points

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#83

As I was stepping into the shower after an afternoon of yard work, my wife walked into the bathroom. "What do you think the neighbors would say if I cut the grass dressed like this?" I asked.

Giving me a casual glance, she replied, "They'd say I married you for your money."

27points

#84

My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.

27points

Raven DeathShade 2 years ago

Magic lady XD.

0points

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#85

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.” - Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island

26points

MyCowIsConstipated RFS 2 years ago

the husband's lucky day

0points

#86

One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset, I've lost 20 pounds."

"If it's that bad, why don't you just leave him?" asked the second friend.

"I'd like to lose another 15 pounds first."

26points

K J 2 years ago

lmao mood. way cheaper than any surgery

4points

#87

One evening my husband's golfing buddy drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later that night my husband's friend and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

26points

Candia Lee 2 years ago

Old joke, still funny.

3points

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#88

My granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married the longest. Since it turned out to be my husband and me, the DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.' "

Everyone then looked expectantly at my husband. "She's probably right," he said.

26points

#89

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband demurred, saying two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things, saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one like it's your own!"

26points

#90

As we left the gym after our first real workout in years, my husband and I both felt energized. "Let's renew our commitment to do it three times a week," I said.

"Absolutely," my husband agreed, "three times as a minimum."

"And no whining," I said. "No excuses."

"No, we'll do it with energy and enthusiasm."

"And on my late night, we can just meet here at the gym."

"The gym?" my husband said, crestfallen.

"I thought we were talking about sex!"

26points

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#91

After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate. "Father's date of birth?" she asked. When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"

"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I have a daughter who turned two a couple days before the same date."

After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."

26points

#92

When my younger brother and his wife celebrated their first anniversary, they invited the rest of the family to join them for dinner. The conversation focused on the newlyweds and how they happened to meet. Caught up in the romance of the story, one by one the men related how we had met our wives. Eventually everyone had told his story except for my youngest brother.

All eyes were on him when he said, "Oh, Cindy and I met in college. We were matched up by a computer according to compatibility."

"That's the whole story?" my wife asked incredulously.

"Oh, no," he replied with a grin. "They've fixed the computer since then."

26points

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#93

If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is.

25points

Hi, I'm Mars! 2 years ago

Nah. My parents were married for 45 years when my dad passed and he always opened doors for mom, car or otherwise.

21points

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#94

"I identify with football players because I know what it's like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring."

25points

#95

A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit.

"It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because I use my Guard pay for spending money."

"So?"

"For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!"

25points

#96

I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag–induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, "It's good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!"

25points

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#97

My husband is a car nut. That's why I could appreciate the card he gave me on our fifth wedding anniversary. It read "The last 72,000 miles of my life have been the best ever!"

25points

#98

I was about to leave the house on an errand, and my husband was getting ready for a dental appointment. "I wish we could trade places," I said, knowing how much he dreaded the coming ordeal.

He watched as I gathered our newborn onto my left arm and picked up a package with that hand. I flung a diaper bag and my purse over my right shoulder, grabbed our two-year-old with my free hand and wrestled the car keys from him.

My husband shook his head. "No, thanks," he said. "At least where I'm going they give you anesthesia."

25points

#99

A couple we know were in Lamaze class, where they had an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand—to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged, saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The teacher then dropped a pen and asked him to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant?" he asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

25points

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#100

Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it. Late at night I got one of those calls. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my husband groggily said, "You're not going down there by yourself at this hour."

Just as I was thinking, how thoughtful of him, he added, "Better take the dog with you."

24points

Snorkeldorf 2 years ago

Awwwww........I do love that! Very wise.

4points

#101

For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he. I climbed back in the boat; so did he.

I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."

24points

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“Ma’am I Live Here”: Woman Refuses To Back Out Of Driveway, Learns A Lesson The Hard Way

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#102

Pregnant with our second child, I was determined to ride my exercise bike at least two miles a day. Late one night, having put it off all day, I climbed aboard the noisy contraption in our bedroom, where my husband was reading a book.

After about 20 minutes of listening to the squeaky machine, he glanced up, somewhat annoyed. "Don't you think it's time you turned around and headed for home?" he asked.

24points

#103

My mother and I were having a mother-daughter talk about the qualities to look for in a husband. She stressed that husband and wife should be as much alike as possible in interests and backgrounds. I brought up the point that opposites often attract.

“Diane,” she said emphatically, “just being man and woman is opposite enough.”

24points

#104

A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they'd eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she'd polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed.

"What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked.

"He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and ate half."

24points

Deborah Allen 2 years ago

Should be higher!

4points

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#105

My friend Garrick had the solution to forgetting his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary: He opened an account with a local florist and provided it with both dates as well as instructions to send flowers and a card signed “Your loving husband, Garrick.” For a few years, it worked. Then one day, Garrick came home on their wedding anniversary. He saw the flowers on the dining room table and said, “What nice flowers. Where did you get them?” - Yefim M. Brodd

23points

#106

A woman and her husband stop at a dentist’s office. “I need a tooth pulled right away,” she says. “Don’t bother with the Novocain; we’re in a hurry.” “Which tooth do you want pulled?” asks the dentist. The woman shoves her husband toward the dentist. “Go ahead, dear. Show him your tooth.”

23points

#107

If love is "grand," what is divorce?

A hundred grand, or more.

23points

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#108

After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

23points

#109

My young son declared, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.” “You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister. “Then I’ll marry you.” “You can’t marry me either.” He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.” “You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!” he cried. - Phlylis Showers, San Diego, California

23points

Tim Douglass 2 years ago

It's only after you are married that your find out how much of a total stranger you have married.

1point

#110

A fourth marriage meant yet another name change for me. I didn't realize the upheaval it had caused until I asked my father why I hadn't heard from him in a while.

"I forgot your phone number," he said.

"You could've looked it up in the phone book."

"I didn't know what name to look under."

23points

Rider 2 years ago

My mother, and aunt.

3points

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“This Breaks My Heart”: People Stunned—And Angry—After Woman Buys Lost Luggage From Airport

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#111

Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out. Next to "Reason for visit?" he wrote, "My wife made me."

23points

#112

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district-court judge found the perfect green tie to match one of her husband's sport jackets. Soon after, while the couple was relaxing at a resort complex to get his mind off a complicated cocaine-conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a "bug" planted by the conspiracy defendants.

The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C., for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned Washington to find out the results of their tests.

"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells."

23points

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#113

My mother, a meticulous housekeeper, often lectured my father about tracking dirt into the house. One day he came in to find her furiously scrubbing away at a spot on the floor and launching into a lecture. "I don't know what you've brought in," she said, "but I can't seem to get this out."

He studied the situation for a moment and, without a word, moved a figurine on the window-sill where the sun was streaming in. The spot immediately disappeared.

23points

#114

After his marriage broke up, my manager became very philosophical. "I guess it was in our stars," he sighed.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Her astrological sign is the one for earth. Mine is the one for water. Together we made mud."

23points

Candia Lee 2 years ago

Should be way higher.

0points

#115

My wife and I get along just great—except she's a back-seat driver second to none. On my way home from work one day, my cell phone rang as I merged onto a freeway bypass. It was my wife. By chance, she had entered the bypass right behind me.

"Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And put your lights on—it's starting to rain."

23points

Rider 2 years ago

*head desk* We've done that to each other.

2points

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#116

A man and his wife were taking an afternoon drive through the countryside. They had just had a big argument and were not talking to one another. Finally the husband decided to break the silence and say something sarcastic to his wife: “Look at all the cows and pigs in the pasture. Don’t they remind you of your relatives?”

The wife replied, “Yes, they do. They remind me of my in-laws.”

23points

Candia Lee 2 years ago (edited)

The other version higher up the list is funnier.

0points

#117

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: "Our food has arrived! Let's eat!" His wife reminded him: "Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!" Her husband replied: "That's at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook..."

22points

#118

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

22points

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#119

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

"You’re running around with another woman— admit it!" she demanded.

"What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You’re it!"

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.

"What are you doing?"

"Counting your ribs."

22points

#120

My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. "Things have gotten so bad," she said, "I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think?"

"That's a serious matter," came the reply. "I think you should consult another manicurist."

22points

#121

When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife. "That would require me to go home and say, 'Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what's wrong with me,' " he said. "And based on that, considering we've been married 23 years, she'd hand me a bill for $798,000."

22points

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#122

For our honeymoon my fiancée and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"

"Yes," I replied. "It's our honeymoon."

"And how many adults will there be?"

22points

#123

I realized that the ups and downs of the stock market had become too big a part of our life one night as my husband and I prepared for bed. As we slid beneath the covers, I snuggled up to him and told him I loved him.

Drifting off to sleep, he drowsily whispered back, "Your dividend growth fund went up three days this week."

22points

#124

A local lumberyard was having an open house, and my mother really wanted to go. Dad, though, had no interest. After badgering him with no luck, she finally said, “If you don’t go, I’ll be the only woman there.” Dad shrugged. “If I go, you’ll still be the only woman there.” - Gerald E. Bronnenberg

21points

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#125

When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably ask us the secret to our long, successful marriage. In response, my husband will smile sweetly, nod my way, and explain, “We both love me.”

21points

#126

My husband is infantry, and he said the most wonderful things to convince me to marry him: "The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day." , "I could have as many babies as I want because giving birth is free." , " He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone." - Mollie Gross (molliegross.com) is the author of Confessions of a Military Wife, published by Savas Beatie

21points

#127

When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.” My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.” “And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.” “Two thousand.” “We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?” “Five thousand!” We eloped to Spain. - Mary Nichols, Arlington, Virginia

21points

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#128

As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.” - Marlene Bambrick, Cleveland Heights, Ohio

21points

Meredith Hill-Mulligan 2 years ago

So basically, he said, 'You're average!' LOL

2points

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#129

After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my dark secret: "I put our teenage son's shorts in his underwear drawer."

21points

Candia Lee 2 years ago

My addiction to leggings has had the opposite effect. If I ever get back in them, I'm wearing my jeans once a week.

1point

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#130

To our shock and horror, my sister-in-law and I realized we had each been married nearly 50 years. "That's a long time," I observed.

"A long, long time," she agreed. Then she smiled. "Something just occurred to me."

"What's that?"

"If I had killed your brother the first time I felt like it, I'd be out of jail by now."

21points

Pharmtechgurl 2 years ago

That's actually a book title: If I'd Killed Him When I Met Him, I'd be Out of Prison Now, by Sharon McCrumb

1point

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#131

"My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic."

20points

Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey 2 years ago

OMG I am telepathetic!

2points

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#132

Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.

Father: Son, that's true everywhere.

20points

#133

During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, "You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don't think I could ever marry again." Her friend nodded sympathetically. "I know what you mean," she said. "Once is enough."

20points

#134

After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we men were out on the water.

Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water.

As my friend stood there—ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face—he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping!"

20points

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#135

I was a mess. My career as an artist was going nowhere, my horseback riding was no longer fulfilling, and in general I felt unattractive. My husband did his best to be supportive: "You're a great artist," "You're a wonderful equestrian," "You're the most beautiful woman I know."

One day, after another bad ride, I told him my horse seemed depressed. "How do I cheer up a horse?" I asked.

He shared his secret: "Tell her she's good at stuff and that she looks beautiful."

20points

#136

Before leaving for Officer Candidates School, I half-jokingly mentioned to my family that I was going to learn how to eat, sleep, shower, and shave all over again. My brother, in the throes of planning his wedding, muttered, "Me too."

20points

#137

I was leafing through one of my hunting catalogs when I found something that made me laugh. "Look," I said to my wife. "What I've always wanted: a camouflage toilet seat."

"Get it," she said. "Then you'll have an excuse for when you miss."

20points

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#138

Last June, my friend told me about her plans for our upcoming prom. "I'm renting a stretch limo and spending $1,000 on a new dress, and I've reserved a table at the most expensive restaurant in town," she said.

Our teacher overheard her and shook her head. "I didn't spend that much on my wedding."

My friend answered, "I can have three or four weddings. But a prom you do only once."

20points

#139

One of my customers at the department of motor vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, "This way I can't forget the date."

A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application."

20points

Candia Lee 2 years ago

My ex had no trouble recalling our anniversary - it was the day Lincoln was shot ...

2points

#140

My wife-to-be and I were at the county clerk's office for our marriage license. After recording the vital information—names, dates of birth, etc.— the clerk handed me our license and deadpanned, "No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties."

20points

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#141

"If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes". "They tend to last longer and are easier to replace."

19points

#142

This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. The ad said, simply: "Wife wanted." He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

19points

#143

A retired rancher decided to go back to school. He made an appointment with the dean of admissions at a university.

The dean asked him, “Are you pursuing a bachelor’s degree?” The rancher replied, “I want to, but I can’t. I’m still married.”

19points

#144

A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years. “Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked. “Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.” - Dennis McClanahan, Buckner, Missouri

19points

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#145

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.” “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband. “It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.” - Marvin Keeler, Salina, Kansas

19points

#146

My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?” “A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.” - John Canuteson, Liberty, Missouri

19points

#147

A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen.

"Careful," he cries. "Careful! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They're going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?"

Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

19points

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#148

When I asked a friend the secret to his 52 years of marriage, he replied, "We never go to sleep angry."

"That's a great philosophy," I noted.

"Yes. And the longest we've been awake so far is five days."

19points

Candia Lee 2 years ago

Great version of an old theme.

2points

#149

When my husband pointed out my tendency to retell the same stories over and over, I reminded him that he was just as guilty.

"Allow me to clarify," he said in response. "I review. You repeat."

19points

#150

The lawyer I work for specializes in divorce cases, so I was a little surprised to get a call from a prisoner serving life for murdering his wife. My boss was surprised too.

"What does he need me for?" he asked. "He appears to have solved all his marital problems by himself."

19points

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#151

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."

19points

Raven DeathShade 2 years ago

I am aware that this is a joke, but if you don't want to use birth control due to personal or religious reasons and you don't want the direct possibility of having kids, try only having sex during the least fertile periods of the menstrual cycle. There's still a chance of pregnancy, but it's a lot lower than if you didn't plan it.

1point

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#152

I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

18points

Raven DeathShade 2 years ago

The silent treatment is childish. Don't do it.

2points

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#153

Overheard at my garden-club meeting: "I never knew what compost was until I met my husband."

18points

#154

As I picked out flowers for my mother, I noticed a man next to me juggling three boxes of candy and a large bouquet.

"What did you do wrong?" I said with a laugh.

He mumbled back, "I got married."

18points

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#155

Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.

Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?

Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.

Friend #1: What's a GPS override?

Friend #2: My wife.

18points

#156

How come married women are heavier than single women?

A single woman goes home, sees what's in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married woman sees what's in bed and goes to the fridge.

18points

#157

En route to Atlanta, my stepfather spotted some mules by the side of the road. "Relatives?" he asked my mother.

Not taking the bait, she responded, "Yeah, through marriage."

18points

#158

A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store where I work soon after the doors opened one morning and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings. I showed him a wide selection, and quickly he picked out a pair.

When I asked him if he wanted the earrings gift-wrapped, he said, "That'd be great. But can you make it quick? I forgot today was my anniversary, and my wife thinks I'm taking out the trash."

18points

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#159

A hairdressing client of mine told me of her husband's recovery after having double bypass heart surgery. She had recounted the doctor's orders to her husband, saying, "In six weeks you'll be able to walk up two flights of stairs, lift 20 pounds, and you can resume normal sexual activity."

Her husband responded, "If I'd known about the sex, I would've had the surgery a long time ago!"

18points

Laurie Ostergaard-Overbey 2 years ago

will i be able to play the piano?

2points

#160

One morning a customer entered my flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife. "No card is necessary," he instructed us. "She'll know who sent them."

The delivery truck hadn't even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer's wife. "Who sent the flowers?" she asked.

After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included, I considered the matter closed—but not so. A bit later, she came rushing in the front door. "You've got to tell me who sent the flowers," she demanded, "before my husband gets home."

18points

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#161

Every night, Harry goes out drinking. And every night, his wife, Louise, yells at him. One day, one of Louise's friends suggests that she try a different tack. "Welcome him home with a kiss and some loving words," she says. "He might change his ways."

That night, Harry stumbles back home as usual. But instead of berating him, Louise helps him into an easy chair, puts his feet up on the ottoman, removes his shoes, and gently massages his neck.

"It's late," she whispers. "I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"

"Might as well," says Harry. "I'll get in trouble if I go home."

17points

#162

"As my sister relaxed on the couch, her head comfortably leaning against the crook of her husband's arm, her cell phone beeped. It was a text message from her husband: "Move.""

17points

#163

I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in, looking for her husband's keys. We searched high and low without luck. I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to the wall.

"Don't bother—that was my bed," she said. "He wouldn't have gone anywhere near it."

17points

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#164

Though the vocabulary words we were learning in my second-grade class sort of sounded the same, they had very different meanings.

This concept was not lost on one bright boy who knew what those differences were:

"When people marry more than once, it's called polygamy. But when people marry only once, it's called monotony."

17points

#165

Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band.

"Why don't you ever wear your ring?" I asked.

"It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied.

"I know," I said. "It's supposed to."

17points

#166

After ten years of widowhood, I remarried. Leaving work one wintry evening, I told a colleague that it was very gratifying to once again have someone worry about me if the roads were icy. My new husband would be awaiting my arrival, I said, and would hurry out to meet me at the car.

I couldn't have been more right. As I pulled into the driveway, my husband burst out the door and came up to me. Rubbing our new car, he anxiously queried, "Did you get salt on it?".

17points

Raven DeathShade 2 years ago

How, may I ask, did your first husband die? XD.

8points

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#167

My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn't use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room. Weeks later I asked how it was going. "I was right," he said. "I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine."

17points

C Lawson 2 years ago

I bought an elliptical a few years ago. The most exercise I've gotten with it so far was unloading the box from the truck and putting it together 🤣

4points

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#168

In Nevada, my husband and I attended the wedding of a man and woman of different faiths. A Protestant minister and a Catholic priest performed an ecumenical marriage ceremony. In unison they proclaimed the couple husband and wife.

Afterward, a man was overheard congratulating the father of the bride. “Fifty years ago this could not have happened.”

“No,” replied the father. “Religion has come a long way.”

“Religion! Who’s talking about religion? I mean a cattleman’s daughter marrying a sheepman’s son.”

17points

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#169

My husband and I were daydreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery. I started: “I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make me a sandwich!’” Thomas shook his head. “Not me. I already have one of those.”- Julie Phelan

16points

#170

The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …” The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.” - Joanne Noffke, Oak Forest, Illinois

16points

#171

The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.” My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.” - Rosemary Tomy, Tucson, Arizona

16points

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#172

A customer at a coffee shop was clearly peeved by the text message he'd just received. "You ever have that ex-girlfriend who just won't go away?" he asked his friend.

"Yeah," came the reply. "My wife."

16points

#173

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”

16points

Alexej Dvorak 2 years ago

So? She's just gonna report them lost and get new ones. Yes, I'm fun at parties.

2points

#174

I was in my ninth month of pregnancy and feeling very uncomfortable. On top of everything, my pleas for sympathy seemed to go unnoticed by my husband.

One day I told him, "I hope in your next life you get to be pregnant!"

He replied, "I hope in your next life you get to be married to someone who's pregnant!"

16points

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#175

Although I was only a few pounds overweight, my wife was harping on me to diet. One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by jumping over a parking meter, leapfrog style.

Pleased with myself, I said, "How many fat men do you know who can do that?"

"One," she retorted.

16points

#176

While at a marine-supply store stocking up on equipment for my boat, I also purchased an inflatable life preserver. "It was my wife's idea," I explained to the grizzled salesman at the counter. "She's buying it for me as a gift."

"Lucky you," he said as he started to write up the order. "My wife got me a length of chain and a cement block."

16points

#177

My sister went shopping for blue jeans with her husband, Steve. She chose a few pairs to try on and went into the fitting room, while Steve waited outside. A minute later he heard her crying softly. Concerned, Steve said through the door, "Honey, really, it doesn't matter if you've gone up a size or two."

Soon she came out, limping slightly and pretty upset. The problem wasn't the size of her pants; she had stubbed her toe in the dressing room.

16points

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#178

Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger?

He's trying to figure out the combination.

15points

#179

As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, "After this, you can't have sex for at least three days."

"Did you hear that?" she asked her husband. "No sex for three days."

"I heard," he said. "But she was speaking to you."

15points

#180

Halfway through a romantic dinner, my husband smiled and said, "You look so beautiful under these lights." I was falling in love all over again when he added, "We gotta get some of these lights."

15points

#181

As my wife and I prepared for our garage sale, I came across a painting. Looking at the back, I discovered that I had written “To my beautiful wife on our fifth anniversary. I love you … Keith.” Feeling nostalgic about a gift I’d given her 25 years earlier, I showed it to her, thinking we should rehang the picture. After gazing at my message for a few seconds, she replied, “You know, I think a black marker would cover over all that so that we could sell it.”- Keith Chambers

14points

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#182

Spotted in the legal notices section of the Maryland-based Daily Times: Michael Ray Dipirro petitioned the circuit court to change his name to Michael Ray Forbes. His reason for doing so? “Ex-wife wants to keep my surname. She can have that too!”

14points

#183

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal. He replies, “Two weeks.” - Funny in Canada Survey

14points

#184

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit. I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher. “What are you doing?” she asked. “I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him.” Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.” - Kurt Epps, Perth Amboy, New Jersey

14points

Mewton’s Third Paw 2 years ago

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#185

While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband's help.

"The word is eight letters long and starts with m, and the clue is 'tiresome sameness.'"

"Monogamy," he answered.

14points

Artsy Bookworm 2 years ago

Monotony... Should be up there with that earlier post.

2points

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#186

How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who cares? They never get the house anyway.

14points

#187

I work for a security company that transports cash, and part of my job is to work with police if a crew is robbed. One afternoon my wife and I were packing to move, when I received a call to report to a crime scene.

"I have to go," I told my wife. "Two of our guards have been held up at gunpoint at a superstore."

As I dashed out the door, she called, "While you're there, pick up some big cardboard boxes."

14points

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#188

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused. 'What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

"No," he said. "I just thought we were getting along."

14points

#189

The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and said calmly, “Well, she’s there.” - G.C. via mail

12points

Narwhal Blast 2 years ago

This one repeats, but I find it just as funny!

4points

#190

I turned to my father one night and said, "It's amazing—50 years and you never once had an affair. How do you account for that?" He replied, "I can't drive."

11points

Mewton’s Third Paw 2 years ago

Gross

0points

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#191

My granddaughter asked why I called my husband Hon.

"It's a term of endearment," I explained.

My husband mumbled, "After more than 40 years, it's a term of endurement."

11points

#192

My sister Tina was telling her husband, Kay, about a wonderful program she had watched on TV. The show gave a national award to heroic people who put themselves in grave danger to help out someone they hardly knew. Kay replied, “That sounds a lot like getting married.”

8points

Mewton’s Third Paw 2 years ago

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#193

Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

8points

Mewton’s Third Paw 2 years ago

No, it isn’t.

-3points

#194

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" - Henny Youngman

7points

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#195

Why did the dead man divorce his dead wife?

Because she was frigid.

4points

Robertas Lisickis

Some time ago, Robertas used to spend his days watching how deep the imprint in his chair will become as he wrote for Bored Panda. Wrote about pretty much everything under and beyond the sun. Not anymore, though. He's now probably playing Gwent or hosting Dungeons and Dragons adventures for those with an inclination for chaos.

Some time ago, Robertas used to spend his days watching how deep the imprint in his chair will become as he wrote for Bored Panda. Wrote about pretty much everything under and beyond the sun. Not anymore, though. He's now probably playing Gwent or hosting Dungeons and Dragons adventures for those with an inclination for chaos.

Saulė Tolstych

Saulė is a photo editor at Bored Panda with bachelor's degree in Multimedia and Computer Design. The thing that relaxes her the best is going into YouTube rabbit hole. In her free time she loves painting, embroidering and taking walks in nature.

Saulė is a photo editor at Bored Panda with bachelor's degree in Multimedia and Computer Design. The thing that relaxes her the best is going into YouTube rabbit hole. In her free time she loves painting, embroidering and taking walks in nature.

Aivaras Kaziukonis

Aivaras is a SEO listicles curator. Aivaras is a student trying to pave the way to his career in Marketing and advertisment creation. Also Aivaras like's to watch and play sports, especially football.

Aivaras is a SEO listicles curator. Aivaras is a student trying to pave the way to his career in Marketing and advertisment creation. Also Aivaras like's to watch and play sports, especially football.

Justė Kairytė - Barkauskienė

Justė is a copywriter here at Bored Panda, and though her studies at the Veterinary Academy seemingly have nothing to do with writing, the passion for animals and nature helps in creating the most interesting and engaging posts. She also works with Search Engine Optimization, so you could find Bored Panda's articles easier. Justė's not only an avid equestrian, but she's also a walking encyclopedia. Ask her anything!

Justė is a copywriter here at Bored Panda, and though her studies at the Veterinary Academy seemingly have nothing to do with writing, the passion for animals and nature helps in creating the most interesting and engaging posts. She also works with Search Engine Optimization, so you could find Bored Panda's articles easier. Justė's not only an avid equestrian, but she's also a walking encyclopedia. Ask her anything!

What do you think ?

Not A Panda 2 years ago

Were these all taken from 40 year old Readers Digests or something?

19points

Wandaluzt 2 years ago

Oh I'm sure they were copied and pasted from as many joke pages they could find on Google.

1point

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2 years ago

This reminds me of r/arethestraightsokay

12points

Mewton’s Third Paw 2 years ago

Marriage is nothing like this and nobody thinks these are funny. BP has gone mega conservative and this is conservative boomer humor.

3points

Auntriarch 2 years ago

Pre boomer even

1point

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Not A Panda 2 years ago

Were these all taken from 40 year old Readers Digests or something?

19points

Wandaluzt 2 years ago

Oh I'm sure they were copied and pasted from as many joke pages they could find on Google.

1point

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2 years ago

This reminds me of r/arethestraightsokay

12points

Mewton’s Third Paw 2 years ago

Marriage is nothing like this and nobody thinks these are funny. BP has gone mega conservative and this is conservative boomer humor.

3points

Auntriarch 2 years ago

Pre boomer even

1point

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