In the Western world, when two people get married, they sign a paper that says they’re a team. This contract gives them certain rights and responsibilities, like sharing money, making decisions together, and taking care of each other.

However, TikTok user Luis (aka @luisitorio787) believes that it’s a patriarchal structure and that in traditional cases, instead of a 50:50 split, it’s actually the men who benefit from it more than women.

This TikToker recently went viral for sharing his take on marriage, saying that men are usually the main beneficiaries

Image credits: Emma Bauso (not the actual photo)

“‘I always believed marriage to be a patriarchy thing. You’re the first man I’ve heard say it. Men I’ve talked to believe it’s a trap by women'”

Image credits: luisitorio787

“Now listen, the only men who are saying stuff like this are men who are trying to create a fake scarcity mindset on marriage benefiting women”

“But in reality, if you look at the statistics, marriage benefits men more than women. Especially mediocre men. Do you know what the problem is, there’s a lot of men out there who are looking for women to take care of them, they’re manchildren, they’re children. They don’t know how to cook, they don’t know how to iron a shirt, they don’t know how to like, do a Windsor knot on a tie. They are very, very miseducated and dumb. They don’t read, they don’t have a career for themselves. They’re not financially stable. There are a lot of reasons why men want to get married. And statistics show that men live longer when they’re married.”

Image credits: luisitorio787

“Women live less when they’re married. And statistics also show that women absorb more hours of work by getting married”

“And then that’s probably the reason why 80% of women initialize divorce. Because you have been socialized into it. Think about it, you have been told since you were a child, that your value comes from being with a man and having children. It’s a complete patriarchal system. That’s why the moment you get married, the first thing that patriarchy does is strip you of your name. And then you absorb the name of the man you’re marrying. That alone should be the first signal that you’re marrying into a patriarchal structure. The moment they take your name away, you’re being stripped by that.”

Image credits: luisitorio787

“Marriage benefits mediocre men”

“Because if you’re a man close to six foot tall, that is making six figures and that is attractive, the world is your oyster. But there’s a lot of men out there who don’t have choices in women. Because they’re either like, out of shape, or they’re not attractive, or they’re not career driven, or they’re lazy. There’s a lot of reason why men want to marry quick, you know, and they also have a fear of being alone and that nobody will be with them. So of course, they are quick to marriage, but some other men, they sell you on that bullshit that marriage is a trap for men, but no woman wants to marry or trap a man into marriage that is a piece of s**t. That never happens. And women are very keen and smart and can smell mediocrity a mile away. Women know when a man isn’t worth their time.”

Image credits: luisitorio787

“That’s why you see these articles out there saying that there is an epidemic of lonely men, which is kind of true, but I will challenge it and say there’s an epidemic of lonely mediocre men that no one wants to marry because they have nothing to offer, you know. But marriage in and of itself always benefits men more than women, because there’s a lot of men out there that are just used to this. There’s a lot of moving parts to marriage and how men view it, but don’t believe the hype. There are a lot of these things that have a lot of moving parts to it.”

“I can tell you that marriage in and of itself is 100% a patriarchal structure. And that’s why women who are single live longer and are proven to be even happier”

@luisitorio787 Replying to @Oceanflow6 #Inverted ♬ original sound – Luis

In reality, married women live longer than their unmarried counterparts

It’s a difficult topic to discuss because, as Luis said, there are a lot of moving parts to marriage.

However, women do not live less when they’re married. On the contrary.

Married men and married women live, on average, two years longer than their unmarried counterparts.

According to a study published in 2020, between 65 and 85 years, both married men and women had a longer total life expectancy (TLE) and active life expectancy (ALE) than unmarried men and women.

For example, at 65 years, TLE for married men was 18.6 years, 2.2 years longer than unmarried men, and ALE for married men was 12.3 years, 2.4 years longer than unmarried men. Similarly, at 65 years, TLE for married women was 21.1 years, 1.5 years longer than unmarried women, and ALE for married women was 13.0 years, 2.0 years longer than unmarried women.

There’s a team of researchers who study how relationships affect health. One of them is a nursing professor who studies how social support influences health behaviors, another is a social health psychologist who explores how stress affects couples’ relationships and health, and the last one is a social psychologist who researches how relationships influence health behavior changes. They pointed out that a reason for this longevity benefit is likely to be the influence of marital partners on healthy behaviors. Numerous studies show that married people eat better and are less likely to smoke and drink excessively. All of these healthy behaviors help explain why married people tend to live longer.

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However, it’s true that men married to women tend to see additional longevity benefits than women married to men.

This could be due to the fact that women tend to take the lead in promoting healthy behaviors, benefiting their husbands. However, data suggests that men and women in same-gender relationships tend to engage in teamwork to mutually promote positive health behaviors. Furthermore, married men and women are more likely to want to change their partners’ health behaviors, such as exercise, especially if the spouses’ habits are worse than their own.

Image credits: sciencedirect

But of course, not all marriages are created equal

Relationship quality and relationship conflict also play important roles in marriage and health. Gendered socialization and power differences do lead to women thinking and caring about their relationships more than men, causing women to take primary responsibility for managing relationship issues, while men take on less of the burden.

Research reveals that women are also more likely to base their identities on their relationships, and so when they experience marital conflict or other relationship issues, they experience more negative emotional and physical health effects than men. This can include an increased risk of metabolic syndrome, inflammation, and cardiovascular disease.

Image credits: Keira Burton (not the actual photo)

Women do initiate more divorce

But when it comes to initiating a split, we do see a clear pattern in who makes the final call.

In Western heterosexual relationships, women account for an enormous proportion of divorces.

In the US specifically, where no-fault divorce is legal in all 50 sates, some estimates put the figure at 70%. In the UK, ONS statistics show women petition for 62% of divorces in England and Wales.

Heidi Kar, a psychologist and expert on domestic violence at the US-based Education Development Center, explains that it’s no coincidence that the rise of divorce has coincided with women’s liberation.

“Because economic independence is an imperative before a woman can attempt to leave a marriage, either alone or with children to support, it’s extremely difficult for women to leave a marriage unless they have some way to make money on their own,” she says. “Also, because gender roles become more complicated as women start to gain financial independence, more marital conflict naturally arises.”

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Still, experts think that increased economic independence alone doesn’t explain why women have become so much more likely to initiate divorce than men.

Gilza Fort-Martinez, a Florida, US-based licensed couples’ therapist, who specializes in conflict resolution, says because men are usually socialized to have lower emotional intelligence than women, this can lead to female partners feeling unsupported and doing much of the emotional labor in the relationship.

Supporting Luis’s point of view, this emotional intelligence also means women are more finely attuned to problems and relationship red flags, and their tendency to be the primary communicators and empathizers means that they may also be the first to raise issues, perhaps ultimately resulting in separation or divorce.

Also, women continue to bear the brunt of household and child-rearing labor, which can leave them overwhelmed and stressed.

However, one more reason is likely to be that women get primary custody of children in the vast majority of divorce cases, so they may feel they have less to lose when filing for divorce compared to men. And in some ways, they are right – evidence shows men’s well-being tends to drop much more dramatically immediately following a divorce.

Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)

Most American women still choose to change their name after marriage

Simon Duncan, a professor of social policy at the University of Bradford in the United Kingdom, has written extensively about marital name changes, and according to his research, there are two basic reasons most women decide to take their husband’s last name. Historical connections to a patriarchal society were a powerful force for many women — and men — who favored sticking with the traditional way.

The second reason, he thinks, has been the idea of a “good family,” in which the mother, father, and children all share the same last name. Some women have struggled with these assumptions.

In 1855, suffragist Lucy Stone famously refused to take her husband’s last name, starting a brave new path. It took more than a century to become a broader trend. For years, various states did not allow women to vote or get a driver’s license unless they took their husbands’ surnames.

Finally, court rulings in the 1970s struck down these laws and a growing number of women and couples made less traditional choices about names when they married.

However, research shows that 79% of American women recently took their husband’s last name after marriage.

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Out of those who have never been married, only 23% said they would keep their own last name, while 33% said they would take their spouse’s last name, 17% would hyphenate both names and 24% aren’t sure what they would do.

So researchers in the field say their next step is to try and understand why so many women continue to keep their husbands’ last names.

Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)

Luis’s clip instantly sparked a discussion and has received plenty of reactions

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