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Anyone in a long-term relationship can tell you it's no easy walk in the park. Just think about the heated arguments, compromises, and misunderstandings — navigating the ups and downs is quite a task right there, especially when it comes to marriage. Well, no one is immune to the occasional blips and bumps in the road, and this viral thread is here to prove it.

Reddit user Zorra_ decided to find out what blunders happen after people tie the knot and say "I do". They raised a question on the Ask Reddit online forum: "Marriage counselors, what are the most common mistakes couples make?" Hundreds of professionals rolled up their sleeves and typed some of the things they witnessed during their careers.

Bored Panda handpicked the best pieces of advice this thread had to offer that might help guide you through the biggest roadblocks. Continue scrolling, upvote the ones you agree with, and make sure to check out our previous posts on the never-ending topic of marriage right here, here, and here.

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#1

I'm not a marriage counselor but my wife posted a very meaningful and controversial article the other day and tagged me in it because I agree with its philosophy. It was titled "Your kids should not be the most important part of your marriage." Of course, many parents were offended and complained bitterly about the article. But we don't make our kids the center of our marriage. We devote a lot of time to them and keep them healthy and educated, of course, but we spend just as much time on each other. If Mom and Dad are happy, the kids are likely to be happy. On many occasions, my wife will rush to get a few things done for the kids in the morning and ask me, playfully "Hey, you wanna do me in the bedroom real quick?!" And I will fix dinner and get the kids to bed so her and I can have some fun and cuddle while we talk about our day. Kids don't define your marriage, you and your spouse absolutely do.

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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Agree. Hubby and I are the foundation of the family. Our relationship existed before the children and it needs to exist after the children. They are safe and happy and secure when we are together and modelling a healthy loving relationship. It's in their best interests that we stay together and to do that we need to make each other a priority.

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#2

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make Wife has degree in marriage and family counseling. One of the bigger factors in a successful marriage are couples responding to “repair attempts” during arguments/conflict. Repair attempts are often little jokes or olive branches to help overcome issues and arguments.

En example: My wife didn’t buy movie tickets in advance for date night this last Sunday and it was sold out. It sucked! She laughed and sheepishly said, “we’ll, at least we get to spend more time together staring longingly into each other’s eyes!” That was her repair attempt. It works two ways though, I also have to respond positively to it... which I did. We did a lot of staring longingly into each other’s eyes last Sunday.

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#3

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make when one half says "I am not happy about X", do not respond with "ok but I am unhappy with Y." Fix X. Get settled. Then bring up Y if you still need to.

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2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I did bring up something from years back that had really bothered me. I worded it as a question - "Why did you behave as you did?" which gave me insight into my partner's thinking. Then I calmly said, "It would have helped me if you had done --" Then I moved on. He's been terrific in other situations, so it helps me to know what situations are more difficult for him and why.

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#4

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make Expecting one person to be everything for them. You need friends, coworkers, a support system, and hobbies.

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Caro Caro
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I so want that car and campgearsleeptent thingy.... I can see me touring sunny Europe or South Africa or Down Under ... COOL

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#5

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make Children.

For the love of everything that is good and pure, don’t bring a child into a broken marriage expecting him to be the lifesaver, it has never worked and it will never, a child is supposed to be the consolidation of the mutual love of the couple, he arrives because the marriage is in a good place, not the other way around.

I work with kids and trust me, most kids are fully aware when mom and dad are in a bad state and he is the only reason they aren’t splitting, and also I have seen the typical dumb parent who believed once the child arrived his/her partner would have a change of heart and would be a better person, of course it didn’t happen, and of course the child was caught in the middle of that crossfire.

Why these people believe a child is the ultimate trump card for saving a marriage is beyond me

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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes. Children will never save a relationship. It's the other way around. Many relationships are great pre-kids but doesn't work after. Children tend to push gender roles to the extreme and takes a lot of focus away from you as a couple. That combination destroy relationships if it isn't strong to begin with. Make sure to work on your relationship before you have kids so it's strong enough to "be on hold" for as long as the kids needs you more.

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#6

Divorce lawyer here.

Talk. About. Money.

Talk. About. Sex.

If you're marrying someone with a sh*tty credit score, you should know how and why they ended up with it, lest you find yourself in their shoes very quickly. A credit score can cost thousands and take Y E A R S to rebuild. Know if they have any tax liens or liability. Are they paying child support and do they have any kind of garnishment? Who is going to be responsible for managing the finances? How many credit cards does the other person have and what are their balances? I've seen money kill a lot of marriages.

​

Another one a lot of people don't think of is actually talking about sex, not just having it. Do you enjoy the sex you have? Would you like to have more of it? Less? Would you like to se it change? Do you or the other person have any weird kinks? Just have the talk. Different sexual wavelengths can be difficult to reconcile.

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#7

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make When I was in my twenties, I was working as a nursing assistant, and the veteran nurse on the unit walked in holding hands with her husband. I commented that you don't see that every day, and she leaned in and said, 'You want to know the secret, kid?' I said yes, and she continued, 'People don't know how to grow and change together. You will change, and so will your partner. But the question is whether you know how to grow and change together.'

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Marco Hub-Dub
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2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Growing and changing together isn’t about bending or capitulating to your partner. It’s about supporting their positive change and growth and assimilating into your life while you grow and change in positive ways and share your experiences with them. It’s about letting go of ego, power politics and selfish agendas in appropriate doses for the sake of exchanging interests and experiences and being happy for them and supportive. Or, having a sense of wonder that is shared and validated. If your reaction to this posts advice is that you’d be giving up any aspect of your character or identity to grow & learn with your partner, you are not grown nor have learned enough to be in a truly happy and authentically healthy relationship.

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Alana Voeks
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's also about knowing when to bring them back on track when they're swaying some. A little bit of a beer is fine, but if you notice them getting worse and worse, it's time to reel things back in.

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Boris Long-Johnson
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2 years ago

Commented on wrong item

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Melissa M
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sadly we’ve grown apart. He no longer kisses, hugs, touches or even says I love you

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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My bf and I have been growing apart for a while, and it's put a lot of strain on our relationship :(

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Desiree Lyles
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OH SO True! I seen this within myself and others every five years you change, simple people don't want to believe it but we all do! Alot of people don't like change that's where the problem comes in. Men want women to stay the same which is impossible and don't add children in the mix ! Women want men to improve which in other words..... change to their liking which isn't fair.

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El muerto
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

you don't have to know how to change together...basically, it says the complete opposite to everything else...you'll change and your partner will change, sometime the same direction, sometimes the oposite...she says that you can make yourself change in a way it fits to how you partner changes, I don't know if that is so ealthy

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#8

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make Not listening, most people listen to respond and don't listen to hear. This is what I spend the most time teaching couples how to do!

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#9

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make Not expressing gratitude towards your partner on a regular basis. Experiences and expressions of gratitude can have a really positive effect on psychological well being as well as relational strength.

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Caro Caro
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It makes them (and you) feel seen and appreciated. Acknowledging that something was done, tasted good, fixed, whatever.

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#10

Not a therapist but I read an article once that I found very useful. I can’t remember he exact terms but basically, how you react when your partner reaches out with small probes for connection. It’s not necessarily big hobbies or interests, but little things throughout every day that are sort of unconscious reaches for positive feedback from your partner. For example: I see a pretty bird outside and I say “omg! Come look at this cool bird!” Or “hey check out this song I heard that I really like.” If my partner passively or blatantly rejects that, it feels bad, even if I don’t always fully recognize that in the moment. Over time, those micro-rejections as I call them start to buildup and it’s why people start to feel like someone doesn’t really care about them.

On the flip side, even just a little bit of positive attention and sharing in a moment makes you feel so good, again even if you don’t realize it. Getting up and looking at the bird is saying, “this is important to you in this moment so it’s important to me.” It’s basically like those are the small shared experiences that build up a joint life and if you start to neglect your partner in those small ways, you can grow distant.

I try really hard now to never ignore or reject my partners small reaches. I often don’t care about the Instagram meme he wants to show me or the latest NBA news, but I’ll listen or look and laugh because I want him to feel loved and appreciated.

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Madeleine Wade
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

They are called bids. When a certain threshold of bids are ignored or rejected (something like 20 percent) then the relationship deteriorates. This can include attempts at eye contact or any kind of attention.

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#11

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make Expecting partners to be able to read their mind and anticipate needs and wants.

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Caro Caro
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What's wrong? "nothing". Worse response and doesn't do a darn thing for whatever it is you want done or fixing or whatever. Nobody can read minds.

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#12

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make Getting married because they wanted a wedding, not because they wanted to be married.

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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Another mistake: blowing your life savings on a wedding ceremony and then wondering why you fight over finances later.

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#13

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make Keeping secrets or lies.

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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm going to somewhat disagree. Lies, no, I agree with that. But radical transparency, I not only don't think it's necessary, I think it can be erosive. We all need some basic privacy. Act like adults.

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#14

I was asked once.... what is marriage, 50/50? 60/40? 75/25? I said 50/50. Nope! The answer is 100/100. Both must be willing to do everything for each other, all of the time. Simple as that. Free advice I thought I would pass along.

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Jay Mason
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There is a line if thought that says marriage is a 60-40 proposition, except that each person has to willingly be the 60 percenter

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#15

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make Keeping score. A partnership is a team, not a competition. Whether a person keeps score of everything they have done, or everything their partner has done, it is a death knell for the relationship. This is one of the most common causes of resentment in a relationship, and you see it often when people use absolute terms to describe themselves or their partners (I.e: I always..., she never...). Remembering that each person has his/her own needs, abilities, skills, and boundaries is essential to a healthy couple.

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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I keep score of all the wonderful, kind, thoughtful things he does. I remind myself of these things whenever I start to feel critical. I also tell him how appreciative I am every day for all the good things he does for me.

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#16

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make As soon as couple stops being on the same team, fighting all the bullsh*t of life together, things fall apart. Get on the same team. Get behind each other's goals. If you're not on the same team, you're just going to wind up annoying the f*ck out of each other. All that bullsh*t of life is going to be beating you down and your life partner is just going to be part of it instead of a refuge.

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Veronica Sjöberg
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes. If you're not a team you just break each other down and there is no "safe place". That's really toxic.

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#17

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make Going to a marriage counselor believing that it's like a judge and s/he will tell them who's right and who's wrong.

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A Jones
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

wow, they be shocked when they learn that if they're both going, they're both going to be involved in the problem regardless of who did what. lmao

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#18

The most important thing I would stress is don't go to bed angry.

If my wife and I have a problem, we talk it out or the lights stay on until we're done.

You cannot let those silent wedges dig their way into your souls. Something will break eventually, and may be irreparable.

I would like to end with a very positive example of communication.

Last Saturday my wife and I woke up and started cooking for an evening to be spent at a friend's house to watch the new Deadwood movie. We LOVE the series and have watched it at least 4 or 5 times. We were going to make a themed meal of a crock pot of chili with cornbread and of course, peaches with authorized cinnamon.

My wife put on the soundtrack for the show, and we got started in the kitchen.

As she was taking something down from the cupboard, I noticed the scattering of gray in her hair.

Then the Lyle Lovett song "Old Friend" began to play. It had never meant much to me before, but in that moment it hit me SO hard. I nearly broke down on the spot. Remember how Amelie dissolved into a puddle? That's what my heart did. I realized that she is my old friend. Of course, I don't think of her as old, but we're both getting older. Still, at 63 she's often mistaken for being a decade younger. Attitude and energy counts for a lot, and that's part of the reason why we fit so well because we still feel young at heart.

I took a minute to compose myself and we carried on cooking.

But that feeling wouldn't go away. It wasn't as if I didn't know that she's the love of my life, but that moment was such an intense confirmation that it took me two days to tell her because I wasn't sure that I'd get through it without breaking down, and I didn't want her to think that my tears meant something was wrong.

I told her yesterday afternoon when I got home from work, and she was so happy to hear it. She's been out of work for six months, and really struggling with feelings of inadequacy and attractiveness. We've both gained some weight, but to me, she's still as beautiful and sexy as ever.

She really appreciated hearing how I felt exactly because she was dealing with all these negative thoughts, and just me telling her how I felt was a big boost for her.

Talk to your partners, people! Don't assume. Confirm.

Love needs to be nurtured in order to last.

Do the work.

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MomJeans
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I disagree. Sometimes you have to go bed angry to give yourself time and space to cool off. It's not always worth staying up all night going round and round.

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#19

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make Not giving intimacy in their relationship enough attention. This includes but is not limited to sex. Many relationships start with the "hot and heavy" phase where intimacy can come naturally. As this phase diminishes many couples do not spend the time and energy to consider how to maintain a healthy level of intimacy now that it doesn't just come naturally.

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#20

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make Expecting that because your significant other knows you better than others and is around you most, that they are aware of all of your thoughts and feelings. Your partner is not psychic, and no matter how often they are around you or how well they know you, they cannot pick up on every nuance to determine how you are feeling and how they should respond. That is called emotional babysitting, and it cascades into a host of problems and unnecessary hurt.

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El muerto
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

and if you don't get it right 100% then you are selfish...nobody can care for you if they don't know what is going on inside you...just because you have told me all your traumas, that doesn't mean I can figure out everything you are going to feel an any giving moment...by the way, I'm also dealing with feelings that don't pause themselves as soon as yours come on

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#21

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make Lack of communication/comfort with discussing difficult topics. Or one partner being uncomfortable with discussion a topic which leaves both partners feeling frustrated or dissatisfied.

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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Communication is always the key.. And you could not always expect to be correct..

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#22

When your significant other brings something to your attention, that they need/want, don't react harshly if it's something they've refused to bring up sooner. Getting loud or defensive "Why didn't you bring this up sooner!" will make them shy away from bringing things up again due to negative reinforcement/backlash.

This is especially true if they've been victims of any kind of abusive relationships.

Source: Literally killed my marriage because I was an idiot and didn't respond in an open, non-positive way.

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Erik Oppenneer
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Life isn't about not stepping in piles of poo, it is about not stepping in the same one twice.

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#23

When you're hurt, say so, and stop trying to 'hurt back'. When someone does something or says something hurtful, whether conscious or not, let them know in a non accusatory way before you begin the game of throwing daggers. Much of the relationship damage that couples endure is the back and forth hurt-each-other game that snowballs out of control, causing a ton more damage.

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Laura Henderson
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is such a valuable point and should be much higher. Lashing back when hurt is an easy response, using the energy thrown at you to throw back. It takes practice and presence of mind to breathe, block the energy and say that it hurt you, and it saves so much escalation and unnecessary pain.

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#24

Thinking that they have to feel 'in love' at all times, and that if they don't, then they obviously married the wrong person.

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Hobby Hopper
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This. How could anyone watch all the TV and movies and read the books that reinforce this idea and not think so. But, it's a lie. Every relationship goes through ups and downs, sometimes big ones. It takes work.

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#25

They say people divorce over money, but they don't — they divorce over values. And nothing brings out someone's values — or lack thereof — like money. If you can't understand the person's priorities, fears, hopes, dreams, goals, and what drives them financially, if you look down on them for any of that, or if think you'll be able to fix any of that, don't marry them.

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Carol Emory
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think this should be up higher. My parents also had a strained marriage because I think my Grandparents thought my dad married beneath him. They never really accepted my mother and she knew it. My father never held it against her and defended her to his parents. But he wasn't willing to draw the line in the sand either of "Stop treating her this way or you will never see me or your grandkids again." I was shocked when he told me years later that when he was 10 years old, he prayed to meet a girl he could take care of and help. I thought..that's why the marriage failed...you should have been praying for a woman that could be your best friend and equal. I'm so glad my marriage was nothing like my parents.

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#26

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make Therapist here, have served couples.

Number one problem I see is overactive threat response creating anger and rigidity. People don’t stop to turn down their defense mode, and lose sight of love because all their energy is going towards being right or controlling the outcome. Of course that control comes from a place of fear, but fear and vulnerability feels too dangerous, so it typically gets expressed as anger, frustration, or rigidity.

Surrender to not having control, accept what’s in front of you, and cultivate compassion. Please. Because y’all rigid couples who just can’t prioritize empathizing with each other over your fear response are driving me nuts! :)

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lenka
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I come from an abuse background so my fear response is very strong. I'm not always able to control or accept that fear. What I CAN do is say to hubby, I'm not able to put my fear aside at the moment and have this conversation safely. I need some time to process and would like to come back to this conversation when I am able. Sometimes it only takes me an hour or two and sometimes it takes me days. My husband knows its not personal and he is infinitely patient. I make sure he knows how much I appreciate him making this space for me and we dont loose sight of each other in the process.

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#27

People don't learn to fight. You have to fight fair in a relationship. People go nuts when they get mad and some couples never learn to fight in a way that honors the person you are fighting with. It is so important to learn to respect space, don't assume motives, and take turns in explaining your views.

Its a big deal and I work on it quite a bit in counseling.

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Veronica Sjöberg
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

YES. All couples fight. If you fight in a right way it can bring you closer but fighting in the wrong way just destroy the relationship. It's not bad to argue or fight, but if you don't fight in a productive way you just pile up arguments and they get more severe over time.

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#28

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make Never lash the other with past misbehaviors when trying to resolve a current issue. We have been married 17 years so there is limitless [stuff] we can pull out of our history together to highlight past wrongs and that just derails what could be a quick resolution.

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Sareaesque
Sareaesque
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

if the two issues are unrelated then yes, but if the current issue is just the latest in an ongoing problem, then highlighting the history of that repeated issue could help to identify a larger problem.

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#29

I've been married for 10 years and my partner is an MFT. All of the suggestions in this thread are wonderful and accurate. The one thing that I want to add onto them is probably the biggest lesson that my partner and I have discovered over time: people change. You will change. They will change. It is nigh impossible to have the same relationship 2 years in that you did at the start--don't try to hold onto it. The only way my partner and I have stayed together for as long as we have is because we were able to adapt to each other.

That being said, don't try to force a relationship that's inherently dysfunctional. It's not a mark of failure for a relationship to end. Change seems scary, but the truth is you've already changed.

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T. D. Bostick
T. D. Bostick
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

MFT? Multi-Functional Turkey? My Favorite Transformer? Misinterpreted Fancy Terminology?

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#30

Currently a student in a Clinical Psychology Doctorate Program, focusing in Marriage and Family.

If you aren't already familiar with it, I would recommend taking a look at John Gottman's work on romantic relationships. He is one of the best known researchers on this topic. Perhaps his most famous work is The Four Horsemen - in a 30 minute interview, Gottman was able to accurately predict which couples would divorce based on their interactions with each other, particularly when those interactions included:

1) Criticism

2) Contempt

3) Defensiveness

4) Stonewalling

Research from the Gottman institute has expanded on this to provide a pretty comprehensive list of factors that lead to couple conflict and divorce. Gottman also addresses solutions to these issues, which primarily exist within his form of couples therapy.

Take this all with a grain of salt. This is one perspective on relationships, but it tends to be a pretty robust and well-researched one (and it happens to be the one I'm the most familiar with).

My personal understanding on the issue is that problems arise from a lack of humility and the challenge of getting out of deeply engrained patterns/cycles of conflict (which generally requires both partners to accept fault and extend grace).

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Judy Andrews
Judy Andrews
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is the best article on Bored Psnda I have read. Keep up stories like this

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#31

Allowing families / friends to get too involved in the relationship - Remember the saying 'Too many cooks spoil the broth?' yeah exactly this.

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#32

Sometimes people are just looking to express their feelings and feel heard. I've made the mistake multiple times of jumping to try and find the 'solution' to a problem, when the better thing to do was to be open, listen, and acknowledge the validity of my partner's feelings.

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hannah nicole
hannah nicole
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My husband and I are bad for this, so we are learning to ask ' do we want to find a solution, or are we just airing the problem? '

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#33

Current Marriage, Couple and Family master’s counseling student here.

Unspoken family rules that you bring into relationship are HUGE.

Obviously you didn’t grow up together and depending on how you did you grow up you may have had completely different family of origin (FOO) experiences. It can be as simple as your FOO separated out laundry by color and your SO’s just threw everything in together so you have different family rules regarding laundry, to your FOO had the rule of “family problems stay in the family” and your SO’s family talked to people outside the family about all the problems freely.

Everybody has these rules, talking about them and uncovering them (without judgement) will go a very long way in maintaining and deepening connection. If you don’t talk about them it is easy to get into negative interactional patterns that are just rehearsals of how your FOO did things and not creating healthy, mutually safe patterns.

Also, I recommend that everyone in relationship take an attachment style quiz and compare their attachment style (secure, anxious, or avoidant) because that reveals a lot of unspoken rules as well.

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#34

Not necessarily a mistake but a sign of relationship death and something to keep in mind.

Contempt during fights.

John Gottman predicts 90% of divorces by identifying contempt. (Bit of an oversimplification )

If you are angry or fighting with your SO and you get to the point where you think they are worthless, or beneath consideration...its probably over.

Anger, frustration, rage, are all normal human emotions, just dont let it get you past that line of contempt.

It's not you vs them, it's the both of you against the issue.

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Jay Mason
Jay Mason
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's always Gottman, Gottman, with you, Edith! I've had it. Get HIM to take your Harpy mother to her pedicures!

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#35

Blaming their partner for all issues in the relationship and not taking ownership of their own role in dysfunction/issues.

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#36

One of the most toxic things I have found in doing marriage counseling is when couples think of themselves as individuals who happen to be together and not as a couple. (Not that I’m advocating enmeshment.)

That’s not really marriage. That’s having a roommate, or perhaps less than that even.

Marriage is a union of two people. That’s what the unity candle and sand and knots are all about. There is a bringing together of two lives that is inseparable.

If either member still conceptualizes themself as a solely autonomous individual whose actions and dispositions impact only themselves, things will go bad eventually.

They go bad because it results in a person caring more for themselves than their spouse. This is seen where couples spend money behind each other’s backs because “it’s my money, why does it matter?” When couples keep secrets from each other, which inevitably results in pain. This is seen when couples don’t stop to consider their spouse’s thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, abilities, and strengths alongside their weaknesses.

The remedy to this is behaving as a unit in small ways and in large. If you’re getting something from the fridge, see if your spouse wants something. It even helps in arguments; no longer is it spouse against spouse but it’s the married couple against the issue causing stress to the unit.

When one person considers a course of action, their thoughts ought to be about how it impacts the unit.

Tl;dr “and the two shall become one flesh so they are no longer two but one.”

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#37

Biggest mistake is waiting too long to get help. Repeat issues coming up again and again will not resolve themselves. Get help before it's helpless. As I'm recently divorced marriage therapist, I cannot stress enough how important acknowledging repair attempts and keeping intimacy alive are as life sustaining nutrients for your marriage. BTW, my ex is a therapist who changed religions and no longer thought sex was important.

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#38

Pastor here. There is a book on New Testament ethics called "Dirt, Greed and Sex," which coincidentally are the big three issues in marital conflict. By "dirt" I mean household duties (including children), "greed" is money management, and sex is, well, sex. Each topic requires communication and cooperation. Another note: the purpose of counselling is to alter the way you view your situation. This is true for individuals and for couples. Answers and solutions follow a change in perspective.

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Jessica Bertram
Jessica Bertram
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2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

being an atheist, I have (from the outside) witnessed so many friends receive faith-based marriage counseling. i have so many questions. why does one need god to be part of the process and solution? god isn't in the marriage. or is god? it is all so strange to me.

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#39

1) Not actively listening. I’m always shocked by how few people actually know how to listen to and validate their partner.

2) Getting married young. I keep having married clients in their mid-20s with 3 kids who are now realizing that 19 was really young to be married. They say they miss the opportunities they never had to date, have sex partners besides their spouse, and not have to take care of their kids at such a young age, etc. Also, a lot of my clients got married young for religious reasons and then one of them begins to question their faith, which is difficult for both.

3) Expecting your partner to read your mind.

4) alcohol/ drugs

5) Waiting until your relationship is already DOA before coming to therapy and then expecting the therapist to revive it in one hour.

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Carol Emory
Carol Emory
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The getting married too young..I don't buy it. Getting married when you aren't mature enough to handle it...that's the problem. And that can happen at any age. My husband and I got married before we hit 21. We're at 30+ on the anniversaries.

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#40

Holding onto resentment and then unleashing it at inappropriate times. For example, husband forgets to do a chore, and then wife unleashes on him not for forgetting the chore, but for the million other things he forgot, plus the fact that he's been ignoring her plus the thing with her mother, etc. etc....

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#41

Responding to each other defensively rather than vulnerably. Unfortunately, most of us cannot identify our defense mechanisms, especially when we are emotional, so it's difficult to correct without someone pointing it out.

Therapy can help.

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#42

Sexual incompatibility. Misunderstanding sex as a bonding activity. When one or the other believes sex is something one does to another as if it was just a utility.

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#43

Marriage counselor in TX:

Probably one of the biggest mistakes that couples make is forgetting that they’re on the same team, and they fight to win instead of fighting to resolve.

Focus on hearing and understanding each other, and engage in disagreements with an eye on coming together, and compromise will follow easily.

Also: sex is good, important, and okay to talk about. Couples make the mistake of thinking that sex is one of those things that they should just intuitively understand, but life doesn’t work like that.

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#44

Wife doing her Masters in Psychology and has a certificate in Marriage Counselling.

The main mistake being the use of the word "You" / "your" or any similar words targeting the other partner in an argument (for example "you said you would do the dishes!")

This puts the person receiving the comment into a defensive mode and they stop listening and get defensive. Thus, communication breaks down.

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Steve
Steve
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yep, it comes off as accusatory and people don't like it when you accuse them of something.

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#45

Another divorce lawyer here.

Get to know each other before you jump into marriage and kids!! I cannot tell you (no really, ethically I can’t! ) how many cases of mine are parenting plan/child support actions, and a few very short term marriages, that are a result of having tons of unsafe sex that results in a child within a few months of meeting each other.

Once you have kids together you are bonded for life, so all the better for you and your offspring if you LIKE each other enough to be in it for life.

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#46

Marriage Counselors Share 30 Mistakes Couples Make Failure to communicate effectively - this can be taught.

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#47

This is really a part of relationships. People change and one of three things happens:

you change in the same direction
You change in different directions and find a new arrangement for the relationship and new personalities
you change in different directions and you don't find a new arrangement.
We had some friends who got married and we tried so, so, hard to keep them from getting married. He was immature, and she was incredibly immature. She had been engaged 3 times, each time she was dating the next person within a month of the engagement falling through...in one case it fell through less than a month before the wedding and she was dating the new guy within a week (this is actually the two friends that ended up getting married).

They constantly fought...I mean...constantly. I've been present when he's taking off his ring and asked if she wanted it back. Last I saw of them they were still fighting constantly and I'm convinced the only reason they're still married is because they're religious and don't want to be seen in a divorce or don't realize how miserable they are. I don't know if they will ever mature - but knowing each one I know that they will do so in very different directions.

This is why people who have not matured should not get married.

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#48

They confuse love with the chemical high you get early in are relationship. That cannot last, for reasons built into our biology.

A successful relationship is to built on that feeling. It’s built on mutual respect and a mutual decision to make it work each day.

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JustAnother Soul
JustAnother Soul
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Having a deep friendship with your partner is really important. Ask your self, Would you have this person as your best and dearest friend?

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#49

Treating their pets better than their partners.

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Eucritta
Eucritta
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I disagree. I also think it's pathetic when people are jealous of pets.

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#50

Yelling instead of troubleshooting.

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#51

Marrying someone they wouldn't go into business with. I'm a paralegal, and I always tell people that if you can't imagine yourselves opening a dry cleaning business, creating the next great start-up, or running a B&B together, then DO NOT marry that person. Because marriage is a legal business, a contract that creates a business relationship with the other person. And to marry them is to open a business enterprise with them.

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Adagar
Adagar
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hard disagree, not every couple needs to be in some power-couple type situation. You can have different approaches to work without having different fundamental values. This seems like it'd only be true if your core self is your work self.

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#52

I work with couples and their relationships a lot, in my line of work, and do some forms of counselling though it is not my job or training.

But one of the common threads I see running in the midst of relationships/marriages that fall apart is a kind of selfishness.

People that don't quite realize that marriage works best when you are both acting in the others' best interest and seeking their happiness more than your own.

It crops up a lot, but not exclusively, in sex/intimacy: if your primary concern in sex is you, you are not going to build any kind of bond or intimate connection, and nor is it going to be much fun for your partner.

Marriage is a lot about sacrifice and the couples I see thriving are the ones who are each willing to make sacrifices for the other and for their family.

Couples who get married thinking that the coming decades of marriage are going to be exactly like the dating or the honeymoon phase, when they face major challenges or speed bumps in their life together, have a real hard time dealing with it, "But I thought I was supposed to be happy".

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#53

The best advice I've seen online

"The person you divorce is the person you married"

aka expecting people to change who they are

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#54

Using blaming language and projecting fears and mistrust.

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