Positions like the maid of honor, best man, bridesmaid, and groomsman exist to celebrate people close to you and let them be part of your special day. It’s exciting to be picked for this special occasion, but happiness can turn to sadness when you realize you aren’t as close to the happy couple as you might have thought.

A woman bailed on being a maid of honor when she learned that her ex cheated on her with the bride. In the fallout of this revelation, parts of the entire wedding fell apart, as OP was highly involved in the planning. Readers shared their thoughts on the ensuing drama and offered OP some advice on how to proceed.

Finding out that your friends are not as loyal as you thought they were is a painful revelation

Image credits: nd3000 (not the actual photo)

A woman learned the very uncomfortable truth from her ex on the eve of her friend’s wedding

Image credits: Wavebreakmedia (not the actual photo)

Image credits: That_Technician_9244

Cheating has always been and still is a major violation of trust in any relationship

Infidelity is by and large one of the more unforgivable “sins” one can commit in a relationship. The fact that Tom is willing to overlook it is quite surprising, as he is marrying a known cheater while OP is willing to break a friendship over it. There are very few reasons society might accept cheating, as even a person in an abusive relationship would be better advised to simply leave instead of trying something on the side.

Research shows that cheating normally requires two components, a collection of feelings and environmental circumstances. A combination of anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, and sexual desire might cause the person to consider cheating, while opportunity and the ability to “get away with it” might actually lead the person to commit the deed. While the aforementioned emotions are not really positive, it’s still not an excuse, as one should first fix their existing relationship or simply leave it before trying anything different.

As hard as that might seem, cheating is not a victimless “crime.” It’s better to break up than subject a person to infidelity. Being cheated on often leaves a person with long-lasting trust issues and self-doubt that tends to “bleed into” many of their subsequent relationships. Someone who has been betrayed once will likely fear it for a long time. While OP’s ex didn’t explicitly tell her why he was leaving her, just this uncertainty can be traumatizing. While we don’t know the details, it’s easy to imagine a lot of questioning, low self-esteem, and other issues.

Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto (not the actual photo)

OP made the best choice for her own mental health

OP doesn’t detail her own mental state, but studies suggest that her “taking charge” and refusing to participate in the wedding is ultimately healthy for her. In marriages where one partner cheats, the victim of infidelity tends to recover more quickly if they are the ones initiating a divorce. By taking back some amount of control over their own relationships, people can help stave off the loss of self-confidence. While OP was not actually divorcing anyone, skipping this wedding is a good way to build a boundary with a woman who betrayed her.

To pick OP as a MOH is particularly cynical after what Stacy did to her. Perhaps it was some outpouring of guilt, though this would only make the truth worse. In general, while no longer quite as important, the position of MOH and bridesmaids existed to protect the bride during the wedding itself. Just wearing similar clothing to the bride comes from pre-modern China, bridesmaids would act as a sort of decoy in case of bandits attacking.

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Commenters supported OP’s decision, as she really did not owe Stacy anything at this point, particularly after the bride “allowed” her to do so much of the planning. While we truly do not know what was going through Stacy’s head, using your “friend” to help plan your wedding after you slept with her boyfriend is unhinged at best and downright evil at worst. The silver lining, if there is any for OP, is that it’s better to get rid of these sorts of friends early, not years down the line when you might need them for help.

Image credits: Keira Burton (not the actual photo)

Readers overwhelmingly sided with OP

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