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Why is it that the people we love the most are also the people who seem to cause us the most pain? In healthy relationships, our romantic partners, best friends and family members can make us feel safer and warmer than anyone else on Earth. But unfortunately, our loved ones are also capable of exhibiting toxic behaviors that can be detrimental to our wellbeing.

Reddit users have recently been calling out common actions and traits that many people don’t realize can be abusive, so we’ve gathered some of their thoughts below. We hope you can’t relate to experiencing these behaviors, pandas, but if you can, know that you’re not alone. And be sure to upvote the replies that you think everyone needs to hear.

This post may include affiliate links.

#1

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Reactive abuse. Basically, abusers will poke and prod their victim so much until their victim has an explosive reaction. The abuser will then use this reaction as justification for their abuse or to further manipulate and gaslight the victim.

HuggyMummy , Liza Summer Report

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Angela B
Angela B
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This. This is what he did. For 30 years. I realised too late but I know now.

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#2

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Yelling. Years of walking on eggshells will damage a person's nervous system.

OhSoSoftly444 , Liza Summer Report

Final score:
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Red Reilly
Red Reilly
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

ooooh this makes so much sense, my ex had the shortest fuse, ANY issue and he would scream the house down.

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#3

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic When you ask them to not joke about X, and they say something like, “Well, I guess I won’t speak at all anymore.”

They’re making it so difficult to set a boundary that you’ll want to give up.

villettegirl , Ketut Subiyanto Report

Final score:
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#4

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Neglect - neglect IS abuse

ZenythhtyneZ , Abir Joy Report

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#5

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Telling a child how they should feel.

“You should be grateful.”

“You should be happy.”

“You should be sorry.”

It shows the child just how little the parent actually cares about their feelings. The child is just a doll to them that they think they can control.

I remember my cat’s leg and tail was broken and my dad told me “You should be happy because I didn’t shoot her.” I will never forgive him for that

PocketGoblix Report

Final score:
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#6

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Invalidating your feelings by making it about them and how you holding them accountable is upsetting them.

SunflowerGirl728 , Andrew Neel Report

Final score:
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Jo Jones
Jo Jones
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I love my mother but every time I tried to talk about my upbringing and how some aspects of it negatively affected me as an adult , she’d say “that never happened/you ate making it up/I remember it differently/ you have no idea how hard was for ME/ it’s because my mother never wanted me “

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#7

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Mothers who treat their sons like surrogate boyfriends/husbands. If their sons DARE to have a girlfriend or get married, these women act like they're being cheated on.

Drink-my-koolaid , Kamshotthat Report

Final score:
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Ross “Sarcastic Dad”
Ross “Sarcastic Dad”
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Took me until the age of 35 to realize this was my mom. It was so freeing afterwards. I was able to finally be who I wanted to be. Happy I'm in such a good place now, but pissed about how many years I felt like an ex-husband to my mom. No contact now....obviously.

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#8

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic trying to "test" people's food allergies because they don't believe them or trying to sneak a food someone doesn't like into a dish to prove them wrong.

falsepossum , eat kubba Report

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132points
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C. Rut.
C. Rut.
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My MIL always tried to convince me food was gluten free. "These are soy bagels, honey." Yeah if they made gf soy bagels that looked that good I'd know about it, Barb.

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#9

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Weaponized incompetence

PartyyLemons , Vlada Karpovich Report

Final score:
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KLL
KLL
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You ask your husband to pick up the kid from daycare. Your husband says he doesn't know how to because he's never done it before and it would just be easier if you did it....the "incompetence" conveniently excuses him from doing the work that you do all the time. Either via the suggestion of someone else doing the task OR sometimes the old acceptance of the task but requiring present, constant hand holding all the while emphasizing how difficult it is and making the process so painful that it's never asked of them again.

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#10

Not teaching your kids basic life skills to keep them dependent

mazioo1233 Report

Final score:
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VioletHunter
VioletHunter
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So most parents today who keep their kids locked up at home and never allow them to go anywhere alone.

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#11

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Messing with someone’s sleep.

catlike_gag_reflex , Ivan Oboleninov Report

Final score:
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#12

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Parentification. I recently learned in therapy that it wasn’t normal that I was cooking & changing my siblings diapers when I was 8.

ThunderTaker1992 , Ketut Subiyanto Report

Final score:
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majandess
majandess
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is tricky because doing chores isn't parentification. My job as a parent is not to babysit my child and do everything for them, while they go play with toys and "be a kid". Rather, it's to teach my child how to be a fully functioning human being so he's not drop-kicked out into the world at 18 not knowing basic life skills like laundry, cooking, mending, cleaning, shopping for necessities, voting, and giving at least a hint of a thought about tending to another living creature's needs. I was cooking and doing laundry and changing my sibling's diapers when I was eight. The difference was that I was not the primary doer of those things, so no one absolutely depended on my doing them (well... I was dependent on doing my own laundry). Parentification isn't in the chores you're tasked with; it's in the level of responsibility instilled in those chores.

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#13

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Using personal things someone has told you against them when you are angry. My husband does this and tries to pretend he’s being “constructive”, rather than just cruel. And I’m working on getting my s**t together to get the f**k out because I’m tired of being painted as the bad guy when I get upset.

dixiequick , Alex Green Report

Final score:
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#14

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Keeping you isolated. My ex tried convincing me that my parents and friends didn’t love me.

OddReputation3765 , Alena Darmel Report

Final score:
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Justme
Justme
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I almost ended my life when I genuinely believed I had no one to turn to and no where to go

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#15

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Breaking things while angry with their partner/kid (punching a hole in the wall for example)

They may not be hitting you, but they want to.

gorhxul , Pixabay Report

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Andy Frobig
Andy Frobig
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My father was always so proud that he never laid a hand on us (that should be the bare minimum), but he went into rages and caused property damage that scared the hell out of us

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#16

Taking away someones personal belongings, or selling them without permission. My mom would go through my room and trash or sell everything while I was at school. She's sold or thrown away my deceased dad's stuff, toys, clothes, pets, etc... and act like I shouldn't be upset. My sister does this as well.

legendariiiii Report

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#17

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Sibling rivalry that goes unchecked by parents.

Man, I can't believe how common/ignored sibling abuse is. Neglectful parents plus unruly children is a recipe for disaster.

One-Sandwich5588 , cottonbro studio Report

Final score:
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Jennifer Smith
Jennifer Smith
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As the youngest of five I was routinely abused. I made sure it didn’t happen with my kids.

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#18

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Not letting people express negative emotions because it's 'negativity.'

swooooot , cottonbro studio Report

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Crowthistle
Crowthistle
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You can't have light without dark. Why are the positive people seen as better?

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#19

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Toxic spirituality. I think a lot of mental health problems hide behind spirituality.

Like, maybe that person isn't your soul mate/twin flame, you just need to deal with some Internal issues buddy.

Ok_Thanks_3868 , RF._.studio Report

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#20

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Constantly reminding someone of their shortcomings/ past mistakes

Fancy__Mushroom__ , EKATERINA BOLOVTSOVA Report

Final score:
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Sue User
Sue User
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Him:I have stopped drinking and took anger management classes.What have you done to improve yourself? I know there are things i could improve. But being constant reminded of every little failure ? I cant figure out the real issues.

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#21

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic It doesn't have to be violence, it's the implication that something bad will happen if you don't comply. Agreeing to pay for your kids college and pulling the rug out from under them over something petty like a political disagreement is abuse.

I left home to go to college. I was going to work and save up a decent amount of money and wait a year but I was told to not worry about it. I went and within a few months we had a disagreement and they stopped helping at all. I'm halfway through a semester at that point and don't have a job or rent. The landlord was cool and gave me time to catch up.

I racked up a ton of credit card debt during this time. My parents were not hurting for money. I never would have done it if my dad didn't tell me not to worry about it.

CaptainAwesom88 , Carolina Report

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Tracy Wallick
Tracy Wallick
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This was my entire life. There was always an explicit threat of "or else"; it was *unimaginably* stressful, and I 100% blame the fact that I have an anxiety disorder on that.

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#22

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Showing favoritism - family related. Not by directly saying "I prefer x over y" but by the little comments, actions/inactions. It can really mess with someone's self esteem, confidence, and overall thoughts of self and self worth.

SliverKai , Daria Obymaha Report

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Tracy Wallick
Tracy Wallick
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My father didn't even pretend to hide his favoritism; he could, in the same breath, tell my sister he'd support her goals however he could, and then turn to me and tell me that my dreams were stupid and that I'd receive no help.

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#23

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Continuing certain behavior after the person you are affecting has (repeatedly) asked you to stop.

*But-I’m-Not-Touching-You*-ism is a short route to abusive behavior.

Mullet_Police , Ketut Subiyanto Report

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#24

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Manipulation under the guise of caring for what happens to you

First_Catch_3919 , Mental Health America (MHA) Report

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Historyharlot93
Historyharlot93
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NiceGuys do this all the time. “I’m just concerned about your mental health. How are you doing?” Then proceed to harass you mercilessly

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#25

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Harnessing therapy speak to absolve oneself of accountability

Comfortable-Ear-9186 , RDNE Stock project Report

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Donkey boi
Donkey boi
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Or using your diagnosis (or more likely self diagnosis) as an excuse to be an AH.

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#26

Comparing one child to another,cousin or friends. Why can’t you be more like them. It’s so toxic.

Deep_Classroom3495 Report

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#27

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Uploading your childrens videos to youtube for fame.

Im looking at you, Pinnay and Brazillian mothers.

Theres wayyyy too many videos of girls doing trendy pool stuff in YT that get scavenged by weird men.

Spiceinvader1234 , Christian Wiediger Report

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#28

My favorite type that I seem to gravitate toward.

Telling people their emotional response is invalid or they shouldn't feel a certain way.

By all the pantheons, I always find people that love pushing that into my brain, from parents to dating.

Your emotions are yours. You have them for a reason.

That doesn't give you the right to use them to hurt others, but you're allowed to feel.

I wish younger me understood that.

trashpanda4811 Report

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elissajshields
elissajshields
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's good to understand your emotions too and not just give into them either...if they are toxic especially. Not using them to manipulate others or as an excuse for not respecting others feelings too. Like, "you just have to accept and take my moods because it's who I am and I'm allowed to feel this way" and then not working towards ways to better yourself or your relationships.

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#29

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Driving recklessly with you in the car

Littletexasginger , JESHOOTS.com Report

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Tracy Wallick
Tracy Wallick
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Driving recklessly, period. They think they're the only ones who will get hurt if they crash but no, there are other people in the other cars, you're not the main character of a racing video game.

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#30

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Gatekeeping hygiene and not teaching your child about normal hygiene and personal care. I didn’t even realize it was a common thing with narcissistic parents until recently.

HealthyInPublic , Allan Mas Report

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Ace
Ace
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This needs more explanation to be understandable.

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Haywood Jablome
Haywood Jablome
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Some abusive parents will deprive their children of hygiene to further isolate them. Nobody wants to be friends with the stinky kid

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Kill-Bunny
Kill-Bunny
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

To the people, who don't understand what it is. Imagine being 10-12 and still not knowing, that you need to brush your teeth every day, or wash hands. Imagine showering once a month, imagine walking around with very oily hair to the point, that you make stains on the pillow. Imagine smelling from your vagina after a weeks of not washing it, or your armpits with no deodorant after few weeks. Imagine no one told you that or showed, how to do that. Imagine then your mother laughing from you and shaming you (at 10-11 years old) that your vagina smells so bad, that people can smell it through the room. Imagine then to hear, that you are so incapable and disgusting, and that you will need her forever to help with those things. And then, when you learn the hard way about hygiene and try to take care of yourself in proper way, imagine being laughed from again, denied products, denied personal towel, denied having more underwear so you could change them and so on. And we were not poor.

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Tracy Wallick
Tracy Wallick
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This was me. Nobody taught me how to properly wash my hair or face or the like, but my father endlessly shamed me for my bad hygiene even though he had never taught me anything about it.

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Hayhaypaula
Hayhaypaula
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My first dental visit, I had 13 cavities.

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Lynette Vella
Lynette Vella
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Me, too. My older sister had to explain about what to use for my period. I never got onto any birth control, but had a boyfriend at 16.

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StrangeOne
StrangeOne
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There's 2 extremes to this. It's common for narcissists to make their kids clean more frequently and be presentable to a ridiculous high standard to the point they will cause their kids harm. Such as getting upset their hair isn't perfectly smooth and straight, so the parent will aggressively brush their kid's hair, or even blame how they washed their hair and with whatever product. They may complain their hair doesn't feel clean enough and make the kid take another shower. The parent may go to length by humiliating an older child by making them shower with the parent there doing everything for them to make sure they are clean up to the parent's standards. On the flip side, the parent may sabotage their kid's hygiene or even how they look. I recall a time my mom passed by me, stopped to look at me and said the Spectro Gel face wash I loved was making me look too dry. My skin felt normal that day. Later she bought me a foaming face wash that destroyed my skin. She sd "that's better."

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StrangeOne
StrangeOne
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I brought it up a few year later when she was in a better mood. All she could say was that she was "jealous" of me and admitted to trying to sabotage my appearance. What parent gets jealous of their kids???

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Sara Bowling
Sara Bowling
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Holy s**t. My mom never taught me a lot of things including how to shave my legs, use a tampon, what direction to wipe, etc. No instruction on skincare, makeup, or other young lady things. Stuff my friends had to tell me in my late teens and early adult years. Also made to do my own laundry at 8 and I was an only child in a middle class home with 2 parents. I know how to keep a spotless house though, she sure taught me how to pass the white glove test for cleaning her house.

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JK
JK
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OMFG this explains my husband! I always wondered how/why he never realised it was an issue, and his parents' house is pure 🤢 so he thought this was "normal", but my lord that has just clicked every puzzle piece in place!

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Al!
Al!
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

THIS. My step monster only let me wash my hair on Wednesdays and Sundays. Her kids weren't treated the same.

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#31

Altruistic Narcissism. People that do their best to be extremely helpful to everyone around them, but it's all a manipulative act. They don't actually care about you or what you go through, they just want everyone to see them in a good light.

JayEdwards902 Report

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Tabitha
Tabitha
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Or they’re transactional narcissists, who keep a tally of their “good deeds” to coerce you into doing them some kind of “favor” to lay them back, usually something unpleasant and/or unsavory, to test you. It’s all a manipulation game to them, and nice people are their favorite targets. Yeah, I fell for it back in my young and gullible days. It’s why I don’t trust ANYBODY 100% anymore. However, being aware of it and knowing it’s an issue (or could be), I try not to show it, and attempt to read people better, instead of just going with what appear to be favorable first impressions but could be a finely honed act, to see if I could trust them.

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#32

Not allowing you to leave the room by blocking the door

SPriplup Report

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#33

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Commanding both parties’ finances. Not just being a breadwinner, but also shaming the other party for making purchases and/ or demanding their paycheck.

SpacecadetSpe , Karolina Grabowska Report

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Donkey boi
Donkey boi
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My wife and I have an all-in financial setup. Everything goes in and out of the same account, we both have full access. We get paid about 15 days apart so there is usually always something in there. And we've never had a 'my money/your money' moment. It works for us because we communicate; If I want to treat myself (which I rarely do), I'll ask if we can afford it. She has a better head for finances and I trust her judgement if she want's to treat herself, but she will often say 'I'm going to to get xyz next month, because we're a little tight this month'. It's not for everyone, but works for us.

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#34

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Silent treatment,
Doing/ paying something and waiting for something to return, make a person feel guilty about it,
Don’t make a promise you can’t keep

Logical-Option-182 , Diva Plavalaguna Report

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R Dennis
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I will be silent sometimes because I don't want to say things in anger. When I talk, I want to be rational and thoughtful. That is why when my kids were little and had done something wrong, I would send them to their rooms first. I wanted to be able to hear them and discuss next actions, including consequences, rationally. Nothing ever came out of nowhere, it was discussed and consistent.

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#35

Making people feel guilty for something a person can’t control. My dad did this constantly.

Im_queenpotato Report

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Ephemeral Mochi
Ephemeral Mochi
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It pisses me off when my mom treats me like I'm lazy when my brain just isn't functioning at a level that allows me to do schoolwork. I don't have control over my hormones, thoughts, nerve signals, and emotions, and I can't just get back to work. Sometimes I simply cannot do it, and I'd like her to acknowledge that.

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#36

Financial abuse is abuse

ElleMNOPea Report

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#37

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Educational Neglect at home.

Mahaloth , Andrea Piacquadio Report

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#38

toxic positivity and love bombing

Scary_Sarah Report

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1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

wait what it is this bc I try to be positive w my friends and I tell them I love them a lot so I might be doing this by accident EDIT: Ok so I google and thats not what im doing C:

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#39

“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic Stonewalling a partner.

enjoycryptonow , Keira Burton Report

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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It can be difficult to tell the difference between trauma response and stonewalling. Trauma response is freezing/shutting down from overwhelm. Stonewalling is intentionally withholding.

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