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“Recently Learned In Therapy That It Wasn’t Normal”: 30 Behaviors People Don’t Realize Are Toxic
Why is it that the people we love the most are also the people who seem to cause us the most pain? In healthy relationships, our romantic partners, best friends and family members can make us feel safer and warmer than anyone else on Earth. But unfortunately, our loved ones are also capable of exhibiting toxic behaviors that can be detrimental to our wellbeing.
Reddit users have recently been calling out common actions and traits that many people don’t realize can be abusive, so we’ve gathered some of their thoughts below. We hope you can’t relate to experiencing these behaviors, pandas, but if you can, know that you’re not alone. And be sure to upvote the replies that you think everyone needs to hear.
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#1
Reactive abuse. Basically, abusers will poke and prod their victim so much until their victim has an explosive reaction. The abuser will then use this reaction as justification for their abuse or to further manipulate and gaslight the victim.
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#2
Yelling. Years of walking on eggshells will damage a person's nervous system.
Red Reilly 1 year ago
ooooh this makes so much sense, my ex had the shortest fuse, ANY issue and he would scream the house down.
#3
When you ask them to not joke about X, and they say something like, “Well, I guess I won’t speak at all anymore.”
They’re making it so difficult to set a boundary that you’ll want to give up.
#5
Telling a child how they should feel.
“You should be grateful.”
“You should be happy.”
“You should be sorry.”
It shows the child just how little the parent actually cares about their feelings. The child is just a doll to them that they think they can control.
I remember my cat’s leg and tail was broken and my dad told me “You should be happy because I didn’t shoot her.” I will never forgive him for that
#6
Invalidating your feelings by making it about them and how you holding them accountable is upsetting them.
Jo Jones 1 year ago
I love my mother but every time I tried to talk about my upbringing and how some aspects of it negatively affected me as an adult , she’d say “that never happened/you ate making it up/I remember it differently/ you have no idea how hard was for ME/ it’s because my mother never wanted me “
#7
Mothers who treat their sons like surrogate boyfriends/husbands. If their sons DARE to have a girlfriend or get married, these women act like they're being cheated on.
Ross “Sarcastic Dad” 1 year ago
Took me until the age of 35 to realize this was my mom. It was so freeing afterwards. I was able to finally be who I wanted to be. Happy I'm in such a good place now, but pissed about how many years I felt like an ex-husband to my mom. No contact now....obviously.
#8
trying to "test" people's food allergies because they don't believe them or trying to sneak a food someone doesn't like into a dish to prove them wrong.
#9
Weaponized incompetence
KLL 1 year ago
You ask your husband to pick up the kid from daycare. Your husband says he doesn't know how to because he's never done it before and it would just be easier if you did it....the "incompetence" conveniently excuses him from doing the work that you do all the time. Either via the suggestion of someone else doing the task OR sometimes the old acceptance of the task but requiring present, constant hand holding all the while emphasizing how difficult it is and making the process so painful that it's never asked of them again.
#10
Not teaching your kids basic life skills to keep them dependent
VioletHunter 1 year ago
So most parents today who keep their kids locked up at home and never allow them to go anywhere alone.
#11
Messing with someone’s sleep.
#12
Parentification. I recently learned in therapy that it wasn’t normal that I was cooking & changing my siblings diapers when I was 8.
majandess 1 year ago
This is tricky because doing chores isn't parentification. My job as a parent is not to babysit my child and do everything for them, while they go play with toys and "be a kid". Rather, it's to teach my child how to be a fully functioning human being so he's not drop-kicked out into the world at 18 not knowing basic life skills like laundry, cooking, mending, cleaning, shopping for necessities, voting, and giving at least a hint of a thought about tending to another living creature's needs. I was cooking and doing laundry and changing my sibling's diapers when I was eight. The difference was that I was not the primary doer of those things, so no one absolutely depended on my doing them (well... I was dependent on doing my own laundry). Parentification isn't in the chores you're tasked with; it's in the level of responsibility instilled in those chores.
#13
Using personal things someone has told you against them when you are angry. My husband does this and tries to pretend he’s being “constructive”, rather than just cruel. And I’m working on getting my s**t together to get the f**k out because I’m tired of being painted as the bad guy when I get upset.
#14
Keeping you isolated. My ex tried convincing me that my parents and friends didn’t love me.
#15
Breaking things while angry with their partner/kid (punching a hole in the wall for example)
They may not be hitting you, but they want to.
Andy Frobig 1 year ago
My father was always so proud that he never laid a hand on us (that should be the bare minimum), but he went into rages and caused property damage that scared the hell out of us
#16
Taking away someones personal belongings, or selling them without permission. My mom would go through my room and trash or sell everything while I was at school. She's sold or thrown away my deceased dad's stuff, toys, clothes, pets, etc... and act like I shouldn't be upset. My sister does this as well.
#17
Sibling rivalry that goes unchecked by parents.
Man, I can't believe how common/ignored sibling abuse is. Neglectful parents plus unruly children is a recipe for disaster.
Jennifer Smith 1 year ago
As the youngest of five I was routinely abused. I made sure it didn’t happen with my kids.
#18
Not letting people express negative emotions because it's 'negativity.'
Crowthistle 1 year ago
You can't have light without dark. Why are the positive people seen as better?
#19
Toxic spirituality. I think a lot of mental health problems hide behind spirituality.
Like, maybe that person isn't your soul mate/twin flame, you just need to deal with some Internal issues buddy.
#20
Constantly reminding someone of their shortcomings/ past mistakes
#21
It doesn't have to be violence, it's the implication that something bad will happen if you don't comply. Agreeing to pay for your kids college and pulling the rug out from under them over something petty like a political disagreement is abuse.
I left home to go to college. I was going to work and save up a decent amount of money and wait a year but I was told to not worry about it. I went and within a few months we had a disagreement and they stopped helping at all. I'm halfway through a semester at that point and don't have a job or rent. The landlord was cool and gave me time to catch up.
I racked up a ton of credit card debt during this time. My parents were not hurting for money. I never would have done it if my dad didn't tell me not to worry about it.
Tracy Wallick 1 year ago
This was my entire life. There was always an explicit threat of "or else"; it was *unimaginably* stressful, and I 100% blame the fact that I have an anxiety disorder on that.
#22
Showing favoritism - family related. Not by directly saying "I prefer x over y" but by the little comments, actions/inactions. It can really mess with someone's self esteem, confidence, and overall thoughts of self and self worth.
Tracy Wallick 1 year ago
My father didn't even pretend to hide his favoritism; he could, in the same breath, tell my sister he'd support her goals however he could, and then turn to me and tell me that my dreams were stupid and that I'd receive no help.
#23
Continuing certain behavior after the person you are affecting has (repeatedly) asked you to stop.
*But-I’m-Not-Touching-You*-ism is a short route to abusive behavior.
#24
Manipulation under the guise of caring for what happens to you
Historyharlot93 1 year ago
NiceGuys do this all the time. “I’m just concerned about your mental health. How are you doing?” Then proceed to harass you mercilessly
#25
Harnessing therapy speak to absolve oneself of accountability
Donkey boi 1 year ago
Or using your diagnosis (or more likely self diagnosis) as an excuse to be an AH.
#26
Comparing one child to another,cousin or friends. Why can’t you be more like them. It’s so toxic.
#27
Uploading your childrens videos to youtube for fame.
Im looking at you, Pinnay and Brazillian mothers.
Theres wayyyy too many videos of girls doing trendy pool stuff in YT that get scavenged by weird men.
#28
My favorite type that I seem to gravitate toward.
Telling people their emotional response is invalid or they shouldn't feel a certain way.
By all the pantheons, I always find people that love pushing that into my brain, from parents to dating.
Your emotions are yours. You have them for a reason.
That doesn't give you the right to use them to hurt others, but you're allowed to feel.
I wish younger me understood that.
elissajshields 1 year ago
It's good to understand your emotions too and not just give into them either...if they are toxic especially. Not using them to manipulate others or as an excuse for not respecting others feelings too. Like, "you just have to accept and take my moods because it's who I am and I'm allowed to feel this way" and then not working towards ways to better yourself or your relationships.
#29
Driving recklessly with you in the car
Tracy Wallick 1 year ago
Driving recklessly, period. They think they're the only ones who will get hurt if they crash but no, there are other people in the other cars, you're not the main character of a racing video game.
#30
Gatekeeping hygiene and not teaching your child about normal hygiene and personal care. I didn’t even realize it was a common thing with narcissistic parents until recently.
What do you think ?
Tyke 1 year ago
Genuine question, how are the majority of these "under the guise of caring"? It's a list of horrible manipulation
Tracy Wallick 1 year ago
Because abusive parents/partners will do many of these things while claiming it's for your own good, because they love you, etc.
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Tyke 1 year ago
Genuine question, how are the majority of these "under the guise of caring"? It's a list of horrible manipulation
Tracy Wallick 1 year ago
Because abusive parents/partners will do many of these things while claiming it's for your own good, because they love you, etc.
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