Bored Panda got in touch with relationship coach and writer Silvy Khoucasian to discuss long-term relationships and some important things to consider before diving in headfirst. After all, love can be blinding, and sometimes not in good ways. 

“A few questions that are really important for someone to ask themselves before entering a relationship are: What is the relationship vision you are seeking to create? Taking some intentional time to get clear about what you envision in a relationship can help you not waste your time when someone is not on the same page.”

“You would be amazed at how many people don’t really think about what they are actually looking for in a relationship before they start dating. It’s also okay to not know what you are looking for yet as you may be in an exploratory stage of dating and still getting to know yourself. You can be honest and upfront about that in a way that honors your current stage,” she added. 

“What relationship needs are most significant for you? An example of this might be someone who needs a high level of communication or depth. Everyone has certain needs that are significant to them and it’s important to get to know what those things are,” she shared. Even in a perfect relationship, it’s only possible to avoid conflict if both parties are honest and understand boundaries. 

She also suggested some other questions to keep in mind if you want your relationship to work. “What are your core vulnerabilities that you want to express (early on) to see if the person you’re dating can be sensitive to them? How might you also be curious and sensitive towards the vulnerabilities of those you date?”

We also wanted to hear her opinion on sharing relationship stories and experiences and if she believes it’s important. “I do! I think there is a tendency for some people to only share the highlight reel stuff - And I get that because we all want to impress and be liked. People who have more avoidant tendencies tend to be less vulnerable and transparent in general.”

“They tend to present the more socially ‘acceptable’ parts of themselves. People with more anxious tendencies can get stuck sharing the really intense and vulnerable stuff a bit too soon because they try to ensure acceptance and want to feel chosen (and not abandoned). Having a balanced approach is being able to share the positive relationship milestones as well as the challenging ones — the range of life experiences makes people who they are!”

“Sharing both sides allows people to be seen in an integrated and honest way. Timing and pacing matters a lot too; being able to share things in small doses and gauging how somebody responds before continuing to share more is really important.” The truth is that love is not blind, or at least we shouldn’t blind ourselves just because it can feel exciting. 

We wanted to know if she had any parting thoughts. “There is a really unique balance people are navigating in the early dating phase that deserves to be named. There is this constant dance between being vulnerable and also having necessary boundaries. There is an unfolding process that needs to happen to see if there is connection and compatibility forming. That process takes time.”

“Being able to be vulnerable is deeply important but it has to be done contextually and generally on the lighter side in the beginning. You can’t reveal the most intimate parts of yourself right away and expect someone to be able to hold that. You also can’t withhold who you are and expect someone to feel connected to you.”

“So, share a little, and witness how someone responds. See if they share parts of themselves too. See if they can appreciate and respond warmly and in connected ways as you deepen into more layers of your vulnerability,” she shared. You can find more of Silvy’s work on Instagram and on her website.