My friends laughed at me when I said I had a hot date and said that she was imaginary.

The joke is on them, though. They’re imaginary, too.

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If I ever have a heart transplant, I’d want my ex’s.

It’s never been used.

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I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend is in the future.

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A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. And what do you do with a phone without service? You play games.

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When one satellite dish falls in love with another, what’s the best part of the wedding?

The reception.

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Who always has a date on Valentine’s Day?

The calendar!

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My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

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The T-Rex told his girlfriend, “I love you this much” as he stretched out his arms as far as he could.

His girlfriend said, “That’s not very much.”

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What do you call two ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy?

Romance.

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What happens when you fall in love with an encyclopedia?

You get in-fact-uated.

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My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?

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My new girlfriend works at the zoo. I think she's a keeper.

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Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?

He'll dessert you.

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Did you hear about the porcupine who was near-sighted?

He fell in love with a pincushion.

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What did the volcano say to express his love to his girlfriend?

He said, “I lava you so much!”

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Don't break anybody's heart; they only have one. Break their bones; they have 206.

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Why did the soccer player dislike Valentine’s Day?

He hated getting red cards.

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Had a nice long chat with my husband today after our WI-FI went down.

He seems like a nice guy.

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How do tightrope walkers find romance?

Online dating!

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What did the octopus say to its octopus crush?

“I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.”

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My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough. At least, that’s what it says in her diary.

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Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.

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I'm trying to date a philosophy professor, but she doesn't even know if I exist or not.

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Let's commit the perfect crime together. I'll steal your heart and you can steal mine.

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Spouse #1: "I love you."

Spouse #2: "Is that you or the wine talking?"

Spouse #1: "It's me. Talking to the wine."

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They say that when you meet the right person, you know immediately. So how come when you meet the wrong person it takes a year and a half?!

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Being in a relationship is just yelling "WHAT?" from different rooms for thirty years and then you die.

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They keep saying the right person will come along.

I think mine got lost.

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My girlfriend just told me that she didn’t care what she got for Christmas, as long as it had diamonds in it.

Looks like somebody’s getting a pack of cards.

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Why is Spider-Man the perfect boyfriend?

Because he’ll always stick beside you.

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Do you like Star Wars? Because Yoda only one for me!

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What happens when your boyfriend pokes you in the eye?

You stop seeing him for a while.

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We're not socks. But I think we'd make a great pair.

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What did the light bulb say to the switch?

“You turn me on.”

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What do you get when you kiss a dragon?

Burnt lips.

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Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.

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The secret to a successful long-term relationship is the ability to laugh at the same joke 3,682,000 times.

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What did one little flame say to the other?

“We’re a perfect match.”

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Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

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I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!

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Why is it annoying to date a chef?

Because you get roasted too much!

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What is it like to date a dentist?

They’ll always make you smile.

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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Owl.
Owl, who?
Owl always love you!

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What do you call a pair of spiders that just tied the knot?

Newly-webs.

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Never laugh at your girlfriend's choices. You're one of them.

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How do you make a crush notice you if they don't believe in love at first sight? You pass by them again.

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What did one boat say to the other? Are you up for a little row-mance?

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Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.

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I like to show my girlfriend who's the boss in our house. I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.

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What happens when you date a girl whose ex-boyfriend was a clown?

You get some big shoes to fill.

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Even if there wasn't gravity on earth, I'd still fall for you.

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Just went on a date with a welder.

Man, were the sparks flying!

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I just saw two zombies on a date.

And they say romance is dead.

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What did the snake say to his girlfriend?

“Give me a little hiss.”

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My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

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Why is it difficult to impress the police? Because they don’t like anyone who steals hearts.

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Confucius says "Love one another. If it doesn’t work, just interchange the last two words."

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I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels. She didn’t know I existed.

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After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

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Which song do sunflowers listen to when their girlfriend goes to work?

“Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.”

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Why is it risky to date a photographer?

Because you might get shot.

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Why shouldn’t you date a poet?

Because they might go from bad to verse.

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What is the worst thing about dating astronauts?

They don’t like to give you any space.

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I'm single by choice. Unfortunately, it's not my choice.

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I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.

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LOVE stands for Loss Of Valuable Energy.

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A husband was throwing knives at his wife’s photo and missing the target. All of a sudden, she called to ask what he was doing. His reply was, “I am missing you.”

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My partner asked to play doctor…

So I kept him waiting outside the bedroom for three hours!

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What's the difference between love and marriage?

Love is blind. Marriage is an eye-opener.

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Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

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I must be a snowflake because I've fallen for you.

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What happens when you fall in love with a chef?

You get buttered up.

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What did the squirrel say to his lover?

“I’m nuts about you!”

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Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend?

He was losing interest.

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My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

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What do you call it when two nachos fall for each other?

A relation-dip.

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Do you know what happened when one girl fell in love with a mechanic? Their relationship had a breakdown.

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How does it feel to date a deep-sea diver?

You drown in their love.

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What did the mobile phone say to the Wi-Fi router?

“I think I feel a special connection between us.”

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Wife: “Do you want dinner?”
Husband: “I don’t know. What are my choices?”
Wife: “Yes or no.”

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When you are in love, it is the most glorious two and a half days of one’s entire life.

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Your name must be Autumn, because I’m fall-ing hard for you.

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The difference between true love and dinosaurs: We're sure that dinosaurs once existed on this earth.

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Why should you never marry a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them!

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How do you tell your boyfriend that your relationship isn’t working out?

You stop going to the gym with him.

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What's common between a girlfriend and an X-ray machine?

Both can see right through you.

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What do you call your girlfriend if she doesn’t text you when she gets home?

Homeless.

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Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?

Yes, it is February 14th.

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My husband is of the opinion that I am absolutely crazy. But if he is the one who decided to get married to me, then that makes him even crazier than I am.

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Love is in the air? What about the Oxygen!

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When do bees like to get married?

When they find their honey.

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You are like dandruff because I just cannot get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.

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Why should you never break up with a goalie?

Because he is a keeper.

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What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?

Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.

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What happened when the two vampires went on a blind date?

It was love at first bite.

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What do you call two birds in love?

Tweet-hearts!

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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore, who?
Eyesore do love you a lot.

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If I were a transplant surgeon, I'd give you my heart.

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Which is the best season for bed bugs to get married?

The spring.

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Why do painters always fall for their models?

Because they love them with all of their art.

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What did one light bulb say to the other?
I love you watts and watts.

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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and me together.

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Do you know why the Queen of Hearts married the King of Hearts?

Because they were utterly suited for each other.

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Why did the baseball player have trouble dating?

He always had a hard time getting to first base.

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What did the astronaut’s girlfriend say to him when he proposed in outer-space?

“I can’t breathe!”

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What was the stamp’s way of confessing his love for the envelope? He said, “I’m stuck on you!”

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My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD.

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

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What kind of architecture makes people fall in love?

Heart deco.

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Why did the man accuse his wife of robbery?

She stole his heart.

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My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But, I laugh more.

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What did the Australian zoologist do with his sweetheart?

Spend koala-ty time together.

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Why did the square break up with the circle?

She wasn’t edgy enough.

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What do you call two rabbits in bed?

Snuggle-bunnies.

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What do you call a pair of fish?

Sole-mates.

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You’re like asthma because you take my breath away.

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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?

That's your common sense leaving your body.

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My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that...

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My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

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What did the lung say to his girlfriend?

“You take my breath away!”

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A teenager is a hopeless romantic who never falls in love more than twice a week.

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A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

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I had a one night stand last year that went horribly wrong.

We’re married now.

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My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life. I’m not buying it.

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What type of ship has two mates but no captain?

A relationship.

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Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

Sure, they're very scent-imental!

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I think my girlfriend has a blind fetish. Last night she said we should stop seeing each other.

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The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk.

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Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?

It was the icing on the cake.

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Are you from Starbucks?

Because I like you a latte.

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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno, who.
Juno that you're the love of my life?

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Are you a banana?

Because I find you a peeling.

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Love is not having to hold in your gas anymore.

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Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?

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Why did she fall for the high-fat, low-carb diet?

Because it was the keto her heart the whole time.

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Why is Elvis Presley sentimental?

Because he can’t help falling in love with you.

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I used to date a girl that reported the weather. We’d have a stormy relationship.

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Are you a florist? Because ever since I met you, my life has been rosy.

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Women are like telephones. They love to be held. They love to be talked to. But, if you press the wrong button, you’re disconnected.

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Love is a very complex matter of chemistry. And that is why my partner treats me like toxic waste!

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How did the telephone propose to its girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.

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What's the difference between love and marriage? Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

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What does the ghost call his true love?

My ghoul-friend.

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What did the hopeless romantic baker say to his dough?

I knead you!

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What happened when the candle went dating?

It found the perfect match.

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Why did the melons get married in a church?

They cantaloupe.

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The funniest joke of all time is my love life.

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Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?

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Why do men believe in love at first sight?

It saves them a ton of money.

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How do you get a banker to fall in love with you?

Pique their interest.

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My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.

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What happens when two ropes fall head over heels for each other?

They tie the knot.

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