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A one-liner is well and fine if you need a quick joke to brighten up the mood. Yet, sometimes, the need arises for something longer, more along the lines of a funny story. But we all know how these situations tend to go—if you need to remember an entertaining story that has actually happened to you, your mind goes blank, and now the moment to shine is missed. There’s a cure for that, though—a long joke! That’s right; we’ve gathered loads of funny long jokes in this article, so you’ll never run out of endearing things to say (that is if you learn at least one of them by heart). 

So, what should you expect from these story jokes, you might ask? Well, a variety of dizzyingly charming topics, for starters! If you need a hilarious joke about animals—there are at least a couple of those in here. A cool joke about geography? You bet your fur! Cars, camping, and even baking—all of these topics are discussed in these funny jokes that are long, entertaining, and purely hilarious. Just take your pick! 

Now, the main question here is this—are you ready for our selection of only the best long jokes ever? If the answer is positive, scroll down below to check them all out! Once you are there, give the jokes you’ve enjoyed the most your vote and share this article with your friends afterward.

This post may include affiliate links.

#1

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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#2

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

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arianahale avatar
AspieGirl88
AspieGirl88
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is the type of kid who will become a powerful investor or banker someday! 😂

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#3

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."
Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."
Policeman: "About a gallon."

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#4

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."

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#5

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

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Sparkysheep
Sparkysheep
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10 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

😂 the first that actually made me lol 😂😂😂

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#6

74 Funny Story Jokes That Earn Their Laughs A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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#7

My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

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tw 72
tw 72
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Unfortunately, this is too true .... it is also sad and wrong.

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#8

A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.
He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying, "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!"
The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says, "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..."

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#9

74 Funny Story Jokes That Earn Their Laughs My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

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#10

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?”

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#11

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

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Trophy Husband
Trophy Husband
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2 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If you pronounce Uranus correctly (Eur-uh-nus) then this joke makes no sense...

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#12

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!
Man, that sentence was way too long.

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#13

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.

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James Carnduff
James Carnduff
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Honestly, If Your Wife Or Husband Suggested That You Should Stop Doing The Things You Love, This Is Perfectly Understandable

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#14

My nagging wife died suddenly on a trip to Jerusalem. Funeral director, "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem."
Me: "Ship her home."
Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money."
Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance."

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#15

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires... She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"
I responded, "Inflation."

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Why Do Funny Story Jokes Work?

A long joke can be as funny and compelling as any other two-liner. The secret? Tension and execution. In those truly funny story jokes, these two elements are, more or less, as important as the final punchline. So, in the end, it is the buildup that differentiates hilarious jokes from horrible, cringy ones. 

Long and convoluted, funny story jokes have become the stand-out parts of many comedy shows. Norm MacDonald’s jokes seem to stand out the most. Told by one of the most talented comedians, his jokes capture the audience and take them on a journey with a rather brilliant ending.
#16

One day Max went to see Carl. Carl had a big swollen nose.
“Whoa, what happened, Carl?”, Max asked.
“I sniffed a brose,” Carl replied.
“What?”, Max said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!”
Carl replied, “There was in this one!”

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#17

74 Funny Story Jokes That Earn Their Laughs After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo. When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.

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Caala Andre
Caala Andre
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1 year ago

This comment has been deleted.

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#18

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room said, "Yeah, right."

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#19

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!”, the officer said.
“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."

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#20

A guy asks a lawyer about his fees.
“I charge $50 for three questions”, the lawyer says.
“That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?”, the guy asks.
“Yes, I suppose so”, the lawyer replies. “Now what’s your final question?”

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#21

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."
"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"
A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!"
"That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!"
A nurse tells the third man, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!"
"That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!"
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong?", the others ask.
"I work for 7 Up!"

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#22

Mother's Day. Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

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Harry Kingaby
Harry Kingaby
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I love it! Kind of a Homer Simpson feel about it; like the time Homer bought his wife a new bowling ball for her birthday . . .

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#23

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”
The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

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#24

For a high school dance, the head boy asked out the girl he liked. To get flowers for her, he had to stand in a line outside the florist for an hour. To make things worse, he had to wait another hour in a line outside the tuxedo shop. Finally, he goes to the dance with the girl. The girl wanted to have some apple punch so the boy went to get it, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.

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#25

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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#26

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.
“I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.
“I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends him back home.
“I’m lonely,” says the third friend. “I sure wish my friends were back here."

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#27

74 Funny Story Jokes That Earn Their Laughs My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone. It's my way or the Huawei.

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#28

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him, "What's wrong?"
Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"
"Until you're 18", says the father.
The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly. When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says, "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18, won't you?"

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#29

Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance.
"See that over there? What is that?", says the first crow.
The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it."
"How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?", replies the first crow.
"Look at it's hand. No cellphone", says the second crow.

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#30

Patient: "Doc, my bum hurts..."
Doctor: "Where specifically does it hurt?"
Patient: "Right around the entrance."
Doctor: "Yeah well that's the exit. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt."

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How to Tell a Long Joke?

It takes time to master a joke, especially a long one. This doesn’t mean you have to memorize the whole joke word-for-word. Like many jokes with punchlines, you must know the lows and highs. The funny parts and the fillers. What do we mean by that? You have to highlight the important parts and fill the listener with details.

Example of it? Norm MacDonald. First, to make the audience more interested, he tells funny story jokes as if they really happened. He highlights the essential parts by making another joke and fills in the information by just rambling. And then, at the end, he tells a punchline that seems out of place. To make it more potent, he baits the audience by keeping things quiet. It’s an interesting approach to already hilarious jokes.

#31

My friend once called a few house painters to his house for some work. He wanted them to paint his porch. After a few hours, the house painters came back for the payment as their work was complete. Before leaving they told my friend that they had enjoyed painting his car, but it is not really a Porsche.

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#32

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.
“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

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#33

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

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#34

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"
The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes!"
"Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
"Didn't know how fast you could walk".

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#35

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it. People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front. As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it?"
The man said "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now."

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#36

"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor. Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

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#37

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today. When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

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#38

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

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Ravioli
Ravioli
Community Member
9 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

FUN FACT: Einstein didn’t say a single word until he was 4, when he declared spontaneously at the dinner table, ‘This soup is too hot!’ comments feel free to correct me if I’m wrong

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#39

74 Funny Story Jokes That Earn Their Laughs A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.
Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

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#40

A Horse Walks into a Bar... He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."

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#41

74 Funny Story Jokes That Earn Their Laughs I was visiting the house of a distant cousin when I saw that he was playing chess with his cat. I said that it had to be the most intelligent cat ever. My cousin replied, "Absolutely not! She has lost all her matches!"

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Zophra
Zophra
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My cat on my lap says she doesn't understand the joke and she would beat me in chess.

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#42

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. "Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."
"Yes, yes, I trust you!", cried the man.
"Let go of the branch", boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?"

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#43

74 Funny Story Jokes That Earn Their Laughs After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...
"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"
Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time".

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#44

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
"No", says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?"
The neighbour says, "Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No", he says. "They’re all at the funeral."

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theoneandonlynoira
theoneandonlynoira
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8 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wait this is an Aussie joke!! Except naturally it's with cricket lol

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#45

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear."
"I don’t need to outrun the bear", the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

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Kittylover368
Kittylover368
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8 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ya know, if you run, the bear thinks something behind him is scary so he’s running away from nothin. It’s like that old mouse running from cat running from dog running from… it goes on until the elephant and bee

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#46

After Sunday church, the priest would hand us each an orange and a big cookie. A little girl once lied and took two oranges, but the priest told her she mustn't lie because God is watching. Then, the girl took two cookies and lied about it. When asked why she had done that, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges.

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#47

As a group of robbers entered the bank, their leader went to the manager and asked him to open the vault. He threatened the manager by saying, "If you try to do anything smart, you're fiction." The manager was confused and asked him, "Don't you mean 'You are history'?" The robber angrily replied back, "Do not change the subject, okay?"

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Császár Arzén
Császár Arzén
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1 year ago

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#48

I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital. I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts. When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, "Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder."

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#49

A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back to a room. Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.
“This must be a mistake,” the man says. “I’ve been here only 20 minutes!”
“No mistake,” the doctor says. “It’s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.”

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#50

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City. It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea. A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, "Ladies and gentleman; we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else, will receive unlimited free liquor for the duration of the flight!"
Her next announcement came six hours later: "Ladies and gentlemen, if anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 180 dinners available."

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#51

I had visited a cafe one day with my friends. The waiter recommended that we try their special coffee. We agreed and soon the coffee arrived. As we drink the coffee, we realized that it tastes like dirt and mud. Disgusted by the fact, all of us complained immediately. The alarmed waiter rushes over and says, "Well Sir, it was freshly ground coffee!"

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#52

74 Funny Story Jokes That Earn Their Laughs I was in the library once when a man walked in asking for some ham and cheese. The librarian politely told him that he was in a library. The man first apologized and then whispered to the librarian, "Can I please have some ham and cheese?"

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#53

In my neighborhood, there was a couple who had given their twin sons very weird names. One was named Trouble, while the other boy's name was Mind Your Own Business. So, one day they were playing hide and seek. Mind Your Business counted to a hundred and then started looking for his brother. But, somehow he couldn't find him anywhere. He saw a police car passing the neighborhood, so he stopped it to ask for help. When the police officer asked him for his name, he replied, "Mind Your Own Business!" Feeling insulted, the police officer still asked politely who he was looking for. Mind Your Own Business replied, "I am looking for Trouble!"

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#54

I was in a barbershop when a man and his young son walked in to get a haircut. The man asked the barber to give his son a haircut while he shopped for groceries nearby. The barber finished giving the haircut but there was no sign of the father. An hour passed, two hours passed. We finally asked the son where his father was. The boy shocked us by saying, "That man was not my father. He just told me that if I wanted to get a free haircut at the barbershop, I should come with him."

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#55

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

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#56

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

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#57

A Husband and Wife at Custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?"
Ex wife: "I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him."
Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason."
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?"
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?"

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#58

A man is driving down a highway, and he hits and kills a rabbit. He gets out of the car and walks over to the rabbit. He picks it up and starts crying, thinking he’s a horrible person. Someone else driving down the highway stops and walks over to him, and asks, “What happened?”
The man replies, “I hit this rabbit with my car and now it’s dead!”
The other person gets a thoughtful look on their face and goes back to their car. They rummage around in the trunk, and eventually walk back over to the man holding a spray bottle. They spray the rabbit with the bottle, and it comes back to life. It starts hopping away, turning back every few hops to wave at the two people. The man, astounded, turns to the other person and asks, “What was in that bottle?”
The other person replies, “It’s hare spray.”

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#59

74 Funny Story Jokes That Earn Their Laughs My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later. I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"
My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

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#60

Two young salmon are swimming along one day. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way. The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! How's the water?"
The other two continue to swim in silence for a little while, until the first one turns to the other and asks, "What the hell is water?"

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#61

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries.
“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some. He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.
“Wait a minute,” the boy said. “Those don’t look fat-free.”
“Sure they are,” the cook said. “We charge only for the potatoes.”

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#62

A bear walks into a bar... The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired. He eventually makes his way over to the bear.
The bear immediately tells him, "You look exhausted."
"Yeah, it's been a rough day," says the bartender, "What are you drinking?"
"I'll have a glass of...", says the bear. He waits a painfully long moment before finishing, "...scotch."
"Why the long face?", asks the bartender.
"Don't you mean big pause?", asks the bear.
"Yeah, sorry. Like I said, it's been a rough day."

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#63

A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table. When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, "Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles."

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#64

Once during an adventure, a farmer named Bryan Clay stumbled into a cave and found a magic lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, a Genie appeared and asked him what his wish was. The farmer told him that he wished he were very rich. The Genie said okay and asked him, "Alright Mr. Very Rich Clay, what is your second wish?"

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Catherine Hiller LaValle
Catherine Hiller LaValle
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5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

With due respect to the poster, I would rewrite it so the farmer found the lamp in a field and the Genie would only grant him one wish. Maybe the punch line could be “Done, Mr. Very Rich Clay”

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#65

I went to this haunted house for exploration. It was near the forest so the local guide warned me that I might find some animals there. Sure enough, there was a panda. When I offered it some food, I was taken aback because it suddenly started talking. Turned out that it was a ghost panda and it only ate bam-booooo!

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#66

A food critic visits a local restaurant to review its food for the town magazine. The owner welcomes him and shows him to the table. The food is presented to him and after a while, the critic calls the owner to say that there is something missing in his bowl of soup. The owner asks whether it is too spicy or sweet or salty. When the food critic says no, the owner decides to taste the soup himself but he can't find the spoon. "Yeah," says the critic, "that's what is missing."

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#67

A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow. After an hour he loses his patience and yells, "Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and I will get rid of him!"
30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.
"Why are you here again?", asks another waiter.
"The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one..."

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Isla Snider
Isla Snider
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4 months ago

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#68

The historians had gathered for a party in Cairo after they had discovered a new mummy. The discovered mummy, on display at the party hall, suddenly woke up. Seeing the historians alarmed, the mummy said that he just wanted to listen to some music. The mummy said, "Please don't play jazz because my trom-bones are in a very bad shape. Could someone please put on some wrap music?"

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#69

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.
The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two coats.”

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#70

There is a skeleton in our neighborhood who always knows that something bad might happen way before it actually happens. He has actually become quite famous and when a TV crew interviewed about the reason behind this ability, the skeleton finally disclosed his secret: he could feel the bad vibes in his bones.

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#71

So, the wife and I were in town shopping... And as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.
I gently nudged my wife and said, "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".
She got really upset with me... In fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.

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#72

My brother came back from school all motivated because he said he would be following a new diet from that day. We didn't really give it much thought until my brother really started eating his homework for dinner. When we stopped him and asked why he was doing that, he replied, "I was just trying to see how it tasted because my teacher said that the homework would be a piece of cake for me."

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#73

I was once passing through a town in England when this lady stopped me because she needed help fixing her car that had broken down. As I was fixing the car, the lady would cross the road and shout "Hello" at me. This happened a few times as the lady found it really amusing. I would have thought that it was very weird had I not realized that it was the singer Adele.

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#74

Once, a mosquito walked into a clinic. The doctor saw him and asked him what the matter was. The mosquito said that he had a lot of problems. He was not happy with his life, he was not happy with the job he was doing. He was sad and had no motivation. The doctor listened to his problems and told him that he should really visit a therapist instead of a doctor. The mosquito replied, "Yeah, I know. I just came in because of the blood."

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Vix Spiderthrust
Vix Spiderthrust
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is a really bad adaptation of the proper joke, which stars a moth. The punchline is "I only came in because the light was on."

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