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dental__DAMN , Anastasia Shuraeva Report

Not everyone is meant to have kids, and that is totally fine. Despite what countless relatives, friends and strangers will tell you, you will not necessarily change your mind. Not every person starts imagining a future with little ones running around once they get married, turn thirty or see their ex start to raise a family. Having kids is a choice, regardless of what society may tell you.

But there are times where people end up with kids, even when they knew they did not want them. Whether it was a case of failed contraception, a drunken mistake, lack of access to abortion, or a partner not telling the other person that they were pregnant until it was too late, life happens. And once there is a child in the world, the responsibilities never seem to end. The important thing is to put the child first because it is not fair for a guardian to be bitter towards their innocent kid, but unfortunately, as this list goes to show, sometimes parents opt to neglect their children rather than acting selflessly.

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted I read this Reddit story once that I have never been able to forget. It was a confession I think- can’t remember the subreddit. This woman had a kid she didn’t want, I can’t remember the circumstance of whether if was hers or a dead siblings. Anyway, she talked about how she felt so guilty for not loving him that she worked extra hard to give him a good life- all her money went toward his education and things he wanted. But the part I can’t forget is that she had set an alarm on her phone to go off everyday to remind her to tell him that she loved him, because it didn’t come naturally to tell him that and she was afraid of him not feeling loved.

That story is an amazing reminder that love comes in so many forms and looks different for everyone. She doesn’t love him, but is so worried about his well being that she goes to lengths many, many people with kids would never consider to go to to make him feel wanted and happy. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.

Final score:

559points

POST

Linda Lee 2 years ago

Fantastic prospective.

147points

If you are a parent or you dream of becoming one, you might be shocked or horrified by this list. I know plenty of parents who could never imagine a life without their kids, but what they must understand is that not everyone feels that way. Not everyone gets baby fever when they see an infant or wants to hold their friend’s newborn. We don’t all dream about taking our little ones to school every morning and football games on the weekend.

There are plenty of valid reasons for wanting to be childfree, from simply not desiring to have kids to being concerned about the future of our planet and what kind of world their kids would grow up in. I remember a friend who has children once told me, “You don’t have kids because you want them. You have kids because you cannot imagine a life without them.” Not everyone has that mindset, of course, but she makes a great point. Having children can consume your entire life, suck up all of your income and ruin your sleep schedule, at least for the first few years. If you are not prepared to have a piece of your heart living outside of your body, perhaps kids are not for you.

Using an alt. because my main can be linked back to me and I'm going to get very real.

I had a perfect pregnancy. I was super cautious, took my prenatal vitamin every day, never drank, walked away if someone was smoking near me, etc.

My child is severely special needs. She's autistic, but on the severe end with "global developmental delay" which is just a nice way of saying "mentally disabled." She is six but is now just learning to potty train. She is non-verbal but thankfully understands simple directions. She screams for hours off and on at a time every day and when she isn't screaming she is making noises. She doesn't interact like a normal child and treats other people more like inanimate objects rather than people- no affection, no emotion, no interaction aside from pulling me to the fridge to get her food or handing me her toy so I can fix something on it.

I don't feel like a mom, I feel like a caregiver. I get little joy in taking care of her and I am constantly worn down. I'm exhausted. This pandemic has destroyed what little sanity I had left as I can't even get a small break because there is no school.

This is going to sound absolutely terrible and this is why I'm using an alt. but raising her is not like raising a child. You raise a child to be a decent adult- you teach them manners, respect, education and kindness and you hope that as they grow up they will make friends, get good grades in school and go on to have a fulfilling life. This feels like I am raising a very high maintenance pet that will not evolve into anything more.

For me, I am just keeping her alive- I am keeping her fed, clothed, warm, safe and happy. It feels like I have been taking care of a baby for the past six years. She progresses very slowly and very little. I am hoping by the time she is in her twenties we can maybe have a simple one or two sentence conversation or maybe she can have the attention span to watch and understand a movie. I still talk to her and play with her but it's so discouraging after years of not getting anything back. I mainly just snuggle with her on the couch while she plays with her tablet, it's one of the few ways we really bond. She likes toys and simple games on her tablet, so I buy her lots of them to keep her busy and hope that they keep her content so she isn't screaming and hitting herself.

I see children much younger than her having full conversations with their parents and I get so jealous. I see them telling their parents they want burgers for lunch, or talking about a fun thing they want to do or whatever, and I can't even imagine how easy my life would be if she could just communicate simple things like that.

It's so tough. I take her to the playground and the other kids ask why she won't talk or play with them (pre-covid days), we go out to the grocery store and she has a full meltdown and we have to leave our cart behind. We go out to eat and she can't sit still and wants to get up and run around the restaurant so we have to leave. She's only getting bigger and taller and she's getting harder to manage.

She hits herself and others. Sometimes she smears her poop all over the wall. She slams her head into the wall and furniture when she's frustrated (which is often, like multiple times a day). She broke a window with her head a few weeks ago and I was scared s**tless she was going to need stitches, but luckily she somehow came out unharmed aside from a bruised forehead. I don't know how I am going to handle her when she is a teen and as big as me. I don't like to think about it.

If I knew this was going to be my life, I would've never had her. When I was pregnant, my husband and I agreed that if we found out the fetus was going to have down syndrome or some other special needs we would abort. You cannot detect autism in the womb.

My husband and I have aged 20 years, we're overweight from stress eating, we're constantly on edge that she's going to give herself a concussion because she self harms and we cannot stop it every time, we're sleep deprived, no sex life, our brains are fried from all the screaming and constant noise. We argue and are short tempered with each other. We are empty shells of what we used to be. Imagine having a monkey on your back 24/7 that just screamed and hit you. It breaks a person.

We've been in weekly therapy for years and I probably break down at least once a month during a session.

I never ever thought we'd have a special needs kid. There's no family history, and like I said I took amazing care of myself while pregnant. She was planned, my husband and I waited until we were financially stable to have her, we did everything right. We wanted more children but now have decided not to have any more because it would be too much stress. I mourn what could have been. I wonder all the time how my life would be if she was a typical kid.

If you want to put yourself in the headspace of a parent who has a profoundly special needs child, watch the movie "Vivarium." It's about a couple who get stuck in this weird suburb that they cannot escape and are forced to raise this strange alien child-like being until they die of exhaustion. It's an odd, science fiction alien/monster type of movie that's meant to be pure fantasy but for me it was the realist movie I have ever watched.

But even after all of that, I still love her so much and won't put her in a care center or in foster care (I'd be worried sick that she was being neglected or abused). When she's an adult we're either going to turn our basement into a living space for her and hire an aid to help her or we'll put her in an adult special needs home and visit her frequently to make sure she is okay. I just hate that it has to be this way. None of us deserved this life.

If you see parents with special needs kids out at the store or mall or wherever, please just be patient and kind.

floralsquid Report

Final score:

453points

POST

Amanda-Joy Veness 2 years ago

Thank you for sharing that. My younger sister also has this form of Autism and I saw the toll that took on my parents, our family, and mental health. It’s hell. Yes, we love them, but we will always feel robbed of what could have been. Thankfully she lives in a wonderful community group home near me and has fantastic staff. She is happy and thrives on the routine they can provide her.

207points

Rachael Klein 2 years ago

This. This is what I picture when people comment that autism isn't that bad, or ask how someone dares to hope for a cure or prevention to it. My little brother has a milder form of non- verbal autism. He will never be able to care for himself. When my mom dies, I will have to continue caring for him. Many are like this child, though. They have violent outbursts, towards themselves and others, and even things. Would I ever wish that he hadn't been born? No. But people need to stop saying how autism is such a beautiful thing just because they were lucky enough to have an autistic child who can actually communicate with them and learn things.

82points

Hufflepuff (any pronouns) 2 years ago

While I totally understand what you mean, I think it’s mostly autistic people who are reclaiming autism as a good/beautiful thing, because of all of the awful treatment that has happened to autistic people in the past

31points

Linda 2 years ago (edited)

1/4 I'm autistic myself. I disagree with your perspective that the autism community (of actual autistic people) is reframing autism as a good or beautiful thing. They don't. I think a lot of them like the concept of neurodiversity and they are speaking up because they don't want to be treated like s**t or as deficit humans. They actually like who they are, they accept themselves and they want to be seen as people. They advocate it's okay to have a neurodiverse brain and all that comes with it, the good and the bad, instead of seeing yourself as a broken neurotypical person. It's all about (self) acceptance and wanting others to listen to their voices instead of dismissing and excluding them.

7points

Vasha 2 years ago

That is so sad. I commend you both for being there for her. I hope you can get a caregiver or institution to help you out, and get some of your previous life back. No shame, you're in an almost impossible situation.

58points

Mariza 2 years ago

To add to Hufflepuff's comment I am autistic and agree with both sides but mainly theirs. I have lost two jobs now just because I'm autistic (illegal here in the uk but I don't have the resources to fight these things) even though I was good at both jobs, management saw autism and just decided they couldn't handle it so drove me out and eventually fired me. Autism is a spectrum and on my end, where I am an adult and had it diagnosed late, it is not this huge elephant in the room. It is a different way of being but with adjustments and patience we can all work together. We're the people trying to reclaim autism as a good thing. We know it can be terrible but remember ASD stands for Autism SPECTRUM disorder. It's all relative

41points

Lou Cam 2 years ago

Marina this makes me so sad to hear. I'm in the UK and my child has ASD on the higher functioning end of the scale. She's amazing and funny and it hurts to think she'll be rejected in the workplace as you were. Please, please seek help from ACAS or Citizens Advice about your illegal firing. They off free services and can perhaps get you assistance.

20points

Zedrapazia 2 years ago

I'd usually never recommend this, but i really think you should give her as soon as possible to a care facility. People like this aren't evil, they don't try to be mean, but unfortunately they don't understand what consequences their actions have, and it can destroy the parents whole existence completely.

39points

Alex Bailey 2 years ago

At some point they will have to find a home for her - they will become too old, they will (presumably) die before she does. Facts of the matter is that it is best to do it sooner, rather than later so that you can find the right home, make sure it suits them, that they are happy there and that it is non abusive. Appoint people to monitor after your death - it's all you can realistically do. If you leave it to later and health is failing or it happens after you die then you can't be sure they are okay. It's a sad, sad story with no way out of feeling sad or guilty in one way or another. The other problem is, of course, care is expensive in most instances.

36points

Demi Coro 2 years ago

This is a hard read. My goal has always been to raise amazing adults. I don't know what l would have done in their place.

32points

Tiphanie Cimoli 2 years ago

You are an amazing, strong mother. Sending you a big hug.

29points

Hollysmom 2 years ago

My suggestion is to also join a support group for parents in similar situations. I'm sure you can find one in your area and/or some online. I am so sorry that all of you are in this very difficult situation. Please hang in there. Amazing things happen all the time. Also, yes, she does need to have therapy and be in a special day school that is experienced and well vetted to help children in this group.

23points

Delta Dawn 2 years ago

I hope people who judge parents by the actions of their small children will read this and gain some understanding of how hard it is; having a profoundly special needs child is next level above what is already a hard time for most. People are usually doing the best they can.

12points

CwtchyMama 2 years ago

I understand how your feeling I am in a very similar situation our autistic daughter is the youngest of 3 and very similar to your child she is 10 and already as big as me and can be quite aggressive. You need to get some help you cannot do this alone without losing your mind. I'm not sure where you are but in the uk you can get a Pa to help and my daughter is in a residential school Monday to filriday it's hard and I miss her terribly but she's happy well looked after and when she's here I'm so much better able to look after her . You need rest you need to remember you matter too . school

11points

Genny McD 2 years ago

My heart breaks for you. I worked in an adult group home for people with severe MRDD, and even as adults, it is like raising toddlers. You are amazing and your husband is amazing and you can't blame yourselves. I know that raising her is difficult and stressful, but thank God you are her mother! You love her even with her disabilities. Many people are dumped in a home and forgotten. You should be praised and lifted up, because not everyone has the capacity to love unconditionally.

8points

Devil child 2 years ago

My heart goes out to all those whose children are disabled in any way. You are fvcking awesome.

8points

Katarzyna Gratka 2 years ago

It's a sad story. But I would like to thank the OP for not abandoning her daughter, and for taking care of her as best as she can in spite of adversities. Even if the daughter does not understand the enormity of the sacrifice. Both she and her husband have good hearts.

6points

Claudette Shaw 2 years ago

Take her to a Pro- Birther demonstration tell them you need help looking after her. See how many volunteer on a regular basis to give you the relief you need.

5points

Ramona Jackson 2 years ago

ISWYDT. Great idea.

-2points

Marilyn Ransberry 2 years ago

Unfortunately there will be many parents forced to raise severely handicapped children now on the USA with the antiabortion laws, I wish the lawmakers could not only read this but feel empathy for all concerned including the children forced to live with severe health issues and disabilities.

5points

Isabella 2 years ago

As for "there was no history in family" part - this is not true. As an autistic myself I can assure you - one of you, or grandparents, or all of you are autistic or ADHD on some level. Autism is in 80% of all cases inherited after parents or grandparents. Back in the days we just went undiagnosed. I was diagnosed just few years ago as an adult.

4points

Rachel 2 years ago

If in 80% of cases it's inherited, then there's 20% that aren't, so how can you say it's not true that there was no family history?

1point

Carol Emory 2 years ago

My son acted the same. He is now 31yo..here is my advice to you. Get her signed up for mental health services..they can help monitor her behavior and help her with coping techniques. When you take her to the store, get her noise cancelling headphones. Most likely she is melting down due to over stimulation. Also...look into respite care...they can watch her a few hours a week to give you a break. When she is old enough, talk to her mental health therapist about putting her in Risperidone. It helped my son. Also...on the communication front, if you have a laptop or computer, see if you can download a program that will read text as it's typed. Some non-verbal autistics can have full conversations via computer this way. She needs a quiet place too...low light..low stimulation. It will lower the outbursts. Good luck!

4points

V M 2 years ago

You need a caregiver. I have a child that has Autism and a child that has Down Syndrome. Both are high functioning and incredibly smart and I have care givers because they have higher needs and sometimes I need a break. And girl you have gone way past break vibes.

3points

Laura Edwards 2 years ago

There aren't nearly enough people who understand how difficult this is. We need more respite care resources.

3points

Crystal 2 years ago

I felt this so much. My son has Angelman Syndrome. It is so hard. Most people just do not understand. He will be 2 next month all people see is a cute delayed toddler, but as his mother I know the prognosis. I've done the research and I have to come to terms that mentally this toddler will never leave, physically he will be an adult one day and those folks won't be gushing over his cuteness anymore. They won't be there while I'm changing diapers of a teen and a grown adult man. I highly doubt even his father will be around that long either. You have no life. Your life is their care medically, mentally, emotionally, physically. And that's it. That's all it will ever be. I love my son to death and he's the cutest little pumpkin. It's hard and it does take its toll on you.

3points

Dee Bateman 2 years ago

Although, your feelings are 100% valid, and Very real. The pandemic ruined my attitude towards motherhood. I have a perfectly healthy son. I wasnt prepared to be at home with him, uncertain of what was to come. He had just turned 3 at the time. I went from being, in my opion, a great and doting mom. After the 2nd month of lockdown, I lost it. I hid in my roim and pretended to be sick or asleep. It has been 2 years now, and I havent gotten that motherly love I once had back. I still hide....from my own child! Your situation is much different, but you are not alone.

3points

Zophra 2 years ago

Do you think it could be an anxiety problem causing this?

-2points

Mirt 2 years ago

I am a caregiver/babysitter for special needs children and adults. I have years of education and experience professionally and during this time I saw caregivers feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and many would often day they wish they could get a break but never felt comfortable leaving their child with someone because of the high level of overall needs/potentially their child or yourself getting hurt. So now I babysit foe many of those families and they have referred me to many other people. It is a very difficult job (ex. Caregivers came home to see me with wads of tissues up my nose and blood on my shirt. Got headbutted, on accident, during a tantrum. Of course I babysat for them again but they were so worried I wouldn't but i would mich rather sustain an injury then have their child hurt themselves) but I know how much they appreciate and need a break.

3points

Cammy Cat 2 years ago

I am so sorry u r dealing with this! I wish I was near u so I could just give u the biggest hug ever. I wish I had some magical words for u

3points

Arcana 2 years ago

I have high functioning autism (almost normal) but I don’t really have freinds the closest I had is a guy who treats me like dirt (dumped him) and a long distance friend who I can't visit in person.

2points

MadWicked333 2 years ago

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2points

William Johnson 2 years ago

Get ABA therapy as soon as you can. Keep your child in ABA therapy for as you can.

2points

Frankie 2 years ago

Please do not do this. I know so many autistic teens and adults who have PTSD from being forced into ABA. ABA is ONLY for the benefit of the parents, not the child. How about learn the child's way of seeing the word instead of forcing them into training like a dog.

1point

Sandra Givens 2 years ago (edited)

My unplanned but very healthy pregnancy gave us an autistic son. Yes, it is incredibly challenging, and can be isolating too. But there is help out there if you look for it. Join your local chapter of the Autism Society to network with other parents and find resources. See if you have a state or local chapter of The ARC, which provided after school and summer care for my son. Look into getting your child on the Medicaid waiver list for your state. Inform yourself about special education options in your public school system and work to get your child the services she needs. I highly recommend Wrightslaw.com for that purpose. She will grow, she will change, and yes, she will learn to use the toilet (mine was seven), but you need to keep her engaged while also finding ways to give yourselves a break, even if only for a couple of hours a month.

1point

Teena Jusino 2 years ago (edited)

My lil Dee is 13 years old and just the same the only difference is he is a runner... He is non- verbal, very spirited and a foodie to his core ( meaning he eats anything)when he was younger he wouldn't keep his clothes on... He has run out my house in the middle of the night, out of school and ran off the school bus before ....having children with special needs are extremely hard with all the special attention, doctors , classes and "methods" of calming ...its extremely overwhelming....but plz take a 5 min break when u need too its ok ... I've had to install camera s in my house , install angel sense alarms in his shoes , clothing. And his communication device... I monitor everything on my cell phone but its hard but u will get thru it

1point

Suzie 2 years ago

My 12yo is being assessed for gd i feel your anguish its exhausting and not like normal rewarding of being a parent

1point

Paul Pienkowski 2 years ago

Hi. You are an awesome person. My mom told me I was non-verbal until I was three. Then all I did was scream until I five. She said she cried everyday. I went to school, a special class of course for autistic kids, and slowly learned. I was having almost normal conversations after only a few years of school. Not all autism results in this, but I am so glad my mom was willing to give me a chance. I felt like I ruined her life, but she kept saying no.

1point

Dawnieangel76 2 years ago

My mother's best friend has a severely mentally disabled daughter. She's never allowed anyone to ever even suggest a home or some sort. She includes her daughter in everything & is a wonderful mom. However, she's very sickly herself now in her old age, and the stress of being her daughter's lifelong caregiver has aged her so much compared to everyone else in their age group. Still, not ONE of any of us would have thought less of her if she had put her daughter in a home. It's such hard work, with few rewards & I will never think badly of anyone in that situation doing the same thing.

1point

Zanshin 2 years ago

I worked in a school for autistic children, and you should consider enrolling her. Autism is kind of a lack of awareness of society, so that they don't recognize that they can interact with people. It's extremely tough on parents and the school are better equiped to handle them.

1point

Jessica N 2 years ago

My son is on the same level, non verbal at 12 and basically every behavior above except he doesn't self harm. I count myself lucky that from the day he was born his older brother (only 11 months older) fell in love with him and wanted to take care of him. A one year old wanted to hold his bottle. Then feed him once he started on more solid food. If it weren't for my older son i dont know how i would have made it this long. Im careful to only let him do the parts he enjoys otherwise he would probably fully parent his brother and lose his childhood in return but it's been an undescribable joy seeing their bond amidst the hardship. Also thank the gods for special needs teachers and the helpers, i don't know how anyone can have so much love and patience.

1point

Zelda Jones 2 years ago

You are a very strong, loving and caring parent. You should not have to put up with all of this. Can you get occasional respite care for your daughter ? Maybe you should put her in a special needs home sooner rather than later. And, like you said, visit her often. All the best.

1point

Caitlin Vaughan 2 years ago

I just have nothing but love and support for you and I’m in awe of the love you have. You’re doing good and you’re doing the most and you’re doing the best.

1point

It's Me 2 years ago

I wish I could help you with that. But you’re right. You’re not being asked by nature to be a parent. You’re being forced by society to take care of a person who doesn’t actually benefit from society so it’s almost impossible. There are people out there who completely understand what you are going through.

1point

Sleeping Solipsist 2 years ago (edited)

You love her very much. I think you're mourning the life you had, the childhood you envisaged and the future you anticipated. Caring for a child with cognitive delays is practically a vocation. You're exhausted. Contact every AD charity in your area because that's what they're for. Advice, advocacy, tips. Exploit every resource available because your whole family deserve the support and love of the community. You don't have to be isolated and invisible; it takes a community to raise a child.

1point

Janet Miller 2 years ago

That is exactly why I never had a child although when I was young and pregnable there weren't children with autism that I knew about but I was afraid it would be something horrible likething horrible like this my heart goes out to this couple I can't help But cry I feel so sorry for them

1point

Matthew Mayne 2 years ago

Watched my sister go through this with her twins. Watched her health decline from stress, she was able to have them placed in a facility, and ultimately the kids were just as happy there as they were at home. My heart goes out to your family.

1point

SirWriteALot 2 years ago

You and your husband are giving up your lives for your kid. And the question is .... why? I was terrified of such a situation when me and my wife decided to procreate and I was hugely relieved when she told me she'd never carry a special needs child to term. We did all the pre-something-diagnostics, determined to abort if there was something wrong. You need to be realistic and honest with yourself. Are you able and willing to be a caregiver for the rest of your life. We were not. Funny thing is, our first is on the spectrum, not much, but a little :-) I wish you all the strength one can have, and you sharing like this might be helpful for others. It's a huge burden you've taken on and kudos to you for sticking with it. I certainly wouldn't have the strength.

1point

Mokayokok 2 years ago

That's a strong parent, I wouldn't be able to cope & would definitely put them in a home or just blow my brains out ... it sounds nothing short of an absolutely horrific and purely miserable existence w/zero upside in any way, shape or form.

1point

Liisa Klamp 2 years ago

I know exactly how you feel, i have similar situation with my son. 🫂

1point

Rachel 2 years ago

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0points

Mr. Pigeon 2 years ago

I wouldn't no where to begin, all i can say is that you shall be within my prayer for wisdom and enlightenment

0points

Biliegh Berrie 2 years ago (edited)

It's a shame that parenting has been so romanticized that people feel like they have to hide to tell truth.

0points

Gail Huddleston 2 years ago

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0points

DrGirlfriend 2 years ago

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0points

GoGoPDX 2 years ago

This!!! People need to stop the toxic positivity when it come to special needs children, especially sever cases.Yes, some people can handle and be ok, but a lot of people can't, and it can truly ruin people's lives, not just parents, but siblings too. We need to normalize the true reality, and be understanding to those who don't want this for them or their children. My husband was pressured into saving his micro-premi son, being told to not give up, people telling him about the kids who turned out fine in this situation. The thing is, for every kid that is fine, more are not, but that is not really discussed at all. His son is now 16 and live at a children's hospital because his care is so extreme . He has no cognitive function, tube fed, in diapers, can't sit up, walk, is blind. He moves constantly because ov the brain damage, and has to be sedated at times because he is so exhausted from constantly moving, and is probably in a lot of pain. He not living, he is existing.

0points

Ally R 2 years ago

This is my biggest fear. I sincerely hope their quality of life improves as the child gets older.

0points

Megzymonsta 2 years ago

I work with children with Autism (some a lot worse than this child) and really do sympathise with parents who have to go through raising their children like this. All I can say is that even though most of them have little concept of the world around them, the people in their lives mean more to them than we realise. They might not cuddle and tell people that they love them but sometimes it's just the way they look at certain people when they walk in the room. And there is a whole world locked inside their heads which can really shine through with patience and the right support. On particular 14 year old boy I work with can't talk or control his own drool but can draw pictures and make stories which can take your breath away. It's hard being so constantly exhausted and heartbroken at the things children like this will never be able to do but don't just write them off because they never stop surprising you with what they actually can accomplish

0points

Carlotta Müller 2 years ago

As I commented as I read this elsewhere for the first time, there are a lot of things that can be done. Non verbal does not mean not communicating. A lot of non-verbal autistic children can learn sign language, but the parents have to learn it too. Being understood, less frustrated could be help with screaming and hitting. Ever thought about how this human being feels? ANd as long as parents are not done grieving about not having a normal child they can't give their autistic child what it needs. And we are indeed very happy autism is not dectable in the womb! We like to live.

0points

unfilteredCigarette73 2 years ago

😥😥Wow. Just holy s**t. My ex worked with a girl exactly like this and somehow got her to be verbal. It's so extremely taxing on parents who don't always understand and just want their child to be happy no matter of functionality.

0points

Jordi Hyden-Moore 2 years ago

Have you considered putting her in an institution?

0points

wowbagger 2 years ago

It's not right for anyone to have to deal with this alone. You didn't ask for it. We as a community of humans should take responsibility for making sure all parents have support, are able to take breaks (including holidays together to keep their relationship strong), and are safe.

0points

LEGOPernille 2 years ago

💔🤗

0points

H M 2 years ago

took my prenatal vitamin every day.....er....

0points

Kim Lorton 2 years ago

Wow. That took a great deal of bravery to share this with us. Thank you. I am sorry that all You dreamed of, won't come to be. That has got to be unimaginable. I know it sounds rude and Like i have mo clue, but i watched a documentary about severely autistic children that self injured and the parents were just like you described yourself as. They shared that their doctors were part of a study to use marijuana to help calm those behaviors. All three kids had good changes because of its use. Please check into it. And if you do, i hope and pray, it really helps.

0points

Kristine Phillips 2 years ago

Maybe having another adult to provide respite care would help. Even as little as she is, you need time to recoup.

0points

Quantum_Ninja 2 years ago

You have every right to feel this way and not wrong for how you've struggled with it. I am familiar with this experience. My child is now in their early twenties and has not made much progress. Not for lack of wanting or trying but simply because the mental capacity is just not there. It has been just as tough as you have described. I can honestly say that the only thing that has helped is edibles. They help my child with sleep and with moods. If I can recommend anything from experience it would be to try that. My child takes regular meds daily since 2 years old but they don't do much for behavior I had been afraid to introduce them until after their 18th bday for fear of judgement but I wish I had done it sooner. For your self and your partner I would recommend meditation if you'd like to explore that. Do what you can and need to, for your child and yourself to be happy, healthy, and safe. :)

0points

Becky M 2 years ago

I am so sorry this happened to you

0points

Gninja 2 years ago

Im not a parent of a special needs child but a pediatric nurse so I see families with specific needs all the time. It is hard and we often see hospital stays as a break for the parents and its ok. Don't feel bad if you leave the bedside for a while. It's different for you and we know its hard. Most people don't understand what its like.

0points

Chelly Belli 2 years ago

Hugs..... I see my sister and my mom going through the same exact thing with my nephew. He didn't potty train until 10 years old. He is the tallest and biggest one so it is scary when when he gets into his fits. They give him meds to calm only after the self-harm or hurting others since they don't want to medicate him daily like a zombie. I feel for you. Bless your hearts for being the best parents despite the circumstances.

0points

Remi (He/Him) 2 years ago

So, you've probably already tried this, but communication cards can be very helpful with mental disabilities and non verbal autistics. Way back doctors said my cousin wouldn't even learn to use the toilet independently, but these days he lives on his own with minimal assistance, knows how to use the microwave, takes the bus to work ahd makes a great cup of coffee for visitors. Words are still rare that's what the cards are for. I know raising him wasn't easy especially when he was a strong tall teenager, but the special needs teacher who introduced the communication cards was an absolute lifesaver

0points

Andrew Keane 2 years ago

I stopped reading after a paragraph just cause I got a full sense of her pain in that first bit. People may judge her but I can see the frustration of never having the freedom again to live anymore.

0points

Jamie 2 years ago

If anyone here is in a similar situation, please get in touch with your local disabilities agency (in SC it's the county board of disabilities). They have activities for your child, support for you, respite caregivers so you can get a break, job training, transportation, all sorts of help. You're not alone!

0points

Isabelle van Dijk 2 years ago

I just want you to know you are not alone sweetheart. I am a special needs mammy. My daughter, 9, is also severely autistic and has a very severe developmental disorder. It is exhausting. Extremely exhausting. It takes literally every ounce of energy to get through each day. I understand the not being able to communicate as my little girl is also non verbal. It's normal to grief the child that is actually living. In the Netherlands we call it 'levend verlies'. Which translates to 'living loss'. You grief the child you now have for the child she could have been would she not have been so severely special needs. It's really tough. My girl happens to be a super sweet girl. She is actually very affectionate and loving. But she, like your little girl, does not communicate, does not make contact with other kids and is still in diapers. She also regularly takes of her own diaper and smears it over clothing, bedding, walls or the carpet. It is like taking care of a baby in the body of a teen.

0points

Rare Cuts 2 years ago

You're an inspirational, powerful, strong woman - even though you may not feel like that sometimes. I felt the love for your daughter through your words. I'm just floored by the depth of love motherhood cultivates in women.

0points

Ruth Meszaros 2 years ago

Please try to get some respite care with your daughter going to a good home for a few days, at least once in a while. You need to reclaim your sanity. I say this from experience from my own life and those of friends with special-needs children. Once your daughter is a teen and perhaps getting too physical, you will need to find a permanent adult care home. It will be awful for you, but in such a home there will be rotating staff, people who can go home to peace every day so that they can be fresh and patient the next day, which you cannot do. Hopefully you can find such a place where the staff are trained and compassionate.

0points

rumade 2 years ago

This is the post that got me to watch the film Vivarium. I watched it with my mum and it really freaked her out. It's a great movie.

0points

My Name Here 2 years ago

I wish I knew who you are so I could hug you. I have a special needs son and relate to so much of what you said.

0points

Queen Metapha 2 years ago

I am so sorry for you from the bottom of my heart! I have 4 healthy children, one of them with ADHS but I can't even imagine the struggle you and your husband have to deal with all the time. I wish you luck and strenght and joy, Dear....

0points

To gain some insight on what it is like to be childfree, we reached out to the women behind The Childfree Girls Podcast. When asked if they think there’s a societal pressure to have kids, they told us, “Absolutely. Look at the US's new abortion laws. Look at how people are being scrutinized or questioned over miscarriages. Real life is turning out to be a little too much like Kristen Tsetsi's post-Roe v Wade novel The Age of the Child, in which grocery store herb/spices and supplements with a chance of affecting a pregnancy are rationed. When people can be forced to carry pregnancies they don't want to carry or that can even kill them, and when - as is happening in the US - people can't get the medication they need because there's a remote risk of those medications being a danger to a pregnancy, yes. There's still too much pressure to have children.”

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted I was conceived to replace a baby boy that died. My mom was so disappointed I was a girl, she forgot my name for a while, and now I have 2 middle names. I had a brother growing up who was favored by both my parents, but he really was amazing. He was my favorite too. He died 5 years ago in a motorcycle wreck, and I’m the least favorite (my mom admitted this freely), also I am the last remaining child. *** Also, I don’t care that my parents are disappointed that I was the one that survived. I’ve made myself who I want to be. I only talk to my dad occasionally, and my mom became an alcoholic, because 2 of her kids died. I don’t talk to her. Shrug. My life is separated from theirs, and I encourage other people to cut off the cancerous people, even if it’s your parents. It’s liberating.

Coloradorawks , Dương Nhân Report

Final score:

414points

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flutterbyy 2 years ago

Wtf that's so messed up. So glad OP is in a good place now.

133points

We also asked the ladies what being childree means to them. “Being childfree means the same thing to us that being a parent means to those who truly want to raise children for the rest of their lives. Having a child would be every bit as devastating to us as not being able to have a child would be to someone who'd only ever dreamed of being a parent.”

“As for what went into our choices, they vary from an innate lack of desire to a combination of that and an instinct to avoid inviting hardships onto a new person. We might also (respectfully) argue that it's more interesting to know what goes into someone's choice to have a child, as that choice is the one that completely changes the direction of a life (while creating an entirely new one).”

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted Ex girlfriend baby trapped me. She stopped taking her birth control and didn't tell me. Then cheated on me while pregnant. (She was, and still is a s**tty person) At that point I wanted nothing to do with her and was not prepared to be a father. I was young and dumb and still learning who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. She gave me the option to walk away and never see the kid again. I thought about it but couldn't bring myself to, knowing my kid was out there was going to weigh heavily on my conscience.

It was difficult at times. While my friends were studying, partying, travelling I was working and learning to be a father. I didn't want this kid but here I was and I was going to make the best of the situation.

My daughter is 13 now and I have full custody. Her mother is a piece of s**t and my daughter is old enough to know the difference. She's with me now and I couldn't be happier. My daughter is a driving force in my life. I need to be responsible, I need to be accountable, I need to be financially successful. It keeps me going forward and has really made the man I am today. Having a kid when you're barely 20 has ways of making or breaking someone. My daughter was the child I didn't want but ended up being what I needed.

phantaxtic , Tatiana Syrikova Report

Final score:

373points

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Seabeast 2 years ago

Glad this worked out in the end, but he could have used a condom. I have little sympathy for men who refuse to do any part in preventing a pregnancy and then complain that they were "trapped".

67points

Next, we asked if there are any misconceptions about a childfree lifestyle that they would like to dispel. “Oh, yes! And many of those misconceptions will be discussed at this year's annual virtual Childfree Convention over the weekend of July 30/31. The misconceptions go deeper than the surface-level observations like ‘childfree people are selfish’ or ‘childfree people don't want to grow up’ (which we also discuss in recent episodes of Childfree Girls), and that's why convention co-founder and childfree advocate LeNora Faye is so deeply committed to the event and why Childfree Coach Isabel Firecracker, among many others (to include a woman who'd once struggled with infertility), will be panelists.”

“However, to choose the most prevalent one, it's the myth that we're selfish for not having the children others want us to have. What's selfish is to expect others to live as you want them to. Even some childfree people will refer to themselves as 'selfish' for not having children, but they shouldn't. Stabbing yourself in the eye might make someone else happy, but you're not selfish for not doing it.”

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted I can only speak on my experience.
I had got pregnant for my neglect in not taking my birth control properly. I did NOT want a child, but I could not bring myself to abort either. Family pressure, I'll just say that.
When she was born, I felt like I had post partum depression (not diagnosed medically). I didn't want to be around her, feed her, change her, be with her. But....I did it anyway. My motherly instincts kicked in and I did all I could to keep her comfy and happy.
There were many times of regret and hopelessness that this little girl had flipped my world upside down and I was very unhappy with the way my life was going because of her.
Suddnely, she started talking. She soon started walking. She started eating on her own. She started dancing, singing, and playing. She went to kindergarten. She started having a sense of style. She played video games with me. She excelled in school. She understands meme culture without me having to explain it. She's beautiful and smart and I wouldn't change her for the world.
Sure, there are still selfish moments where I would like to escape and be on my own and do my own thing. But more and more, I find myself thinking, "This might be more fun if my kid was with me."

Madmadamedrea , pexels Report

Final score:

304points

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Bobby 2 years ago

As someone who 100% wanted kids, don't feel bad about the times you question it. We all have them but apparently talking about it is wrong?

152points

Lastly, the Childfree Girls added, “Thank you for raising and exploring this issue and giving a voice to a demographic that's generally happy to simply live and let live, but that is for some reason increasingly under scrutiny, if not attack. And to those who make the leap to, ‘But what if everyone in the world stops having children!?’, relax. It'll never happen.”

If you’re interested in hearing more of what these ladies have to say, be sure to check out their podcast The Childfree Girls right here.

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted When my daughter was a year and a half old I unexpectedly got pregnant a second time (it was unexpected because I have pretty substantial infertility issues). I was not ready. I was exhausted as s**t from my daughter being a typical toddler and a dog we rescued that needed constant emotional coddling. And hindsight makes it easier to see my depression was wildly out of control but I didn't realize it because my panic attacks were not. I would lay awake at night, in pain, wanting to vomit from heartburn, exhausted because my daughter decided sleeping through the night was no longer a thing and would think "ya know... if I miscarried I'd probably feel relieved" and other things along those lines. And this went on for the whole pregnancy.... right up until 32 weeks when I went into labor... and my son was dead. Gone for at least three days before I went into labor. Despite all the expected mental anguish and trauma, for just *one single moment* when we were driving home with empty arms and an empty car seat, I felt *relieved*. I have yet to forgive myself for that.

Maeberry2007 , freestocks Report

Final score:

252points

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Barbara Maloney 2 years ago

Hon forgive yourself and love the family you have. You did not cause the death of your child. Love and hugs

249points

madeofstarlight , Ksenia Chernaya Report

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted I have kids and I wanted them. But, I was an unwanted kid. My mom and non-bio dad married when I was young. He raised me, but I never felt love from him at all. He married her to get her out of a bad situation. I thought he didn’t want kids, but when I was about 5/6, my sister was born. He wanted kids. He just didn’t want me. I saw how different he was with her, and his other kids they had later. Those who have kids that you don’t want—they’re aware on some level.

Final score:

235points

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Winter 2 years ago

Yes, this hurts. My stepmother never treated me well, growing up. My half-sisters, from the marriage between my step-mother and father, always got treated so much better. It's still like that, in fact. My half-sister's kids get treated better than my son does by my dad and stepmom, too.

80points

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted I was a nanny for a lady who really didn't want children but needed up having 5 because she loved her husband. Each of her pregnancies her medical condition go worse, with her youngest she had to be in the hospital for two months because she had so many kidney stones. Part of her condition is she produces kidney stones at a crazy rate, and they are rare stones that have a hook on them. Her kidneys are also more like a sponge looking organ than kidney, that aren't functioning over 25%. She would give her life for those kids even though she never wanted them. S**tty part, when the youngest was 2, her health was declining alot. And her husband, left her for a chick he just met because, and I quote "I'm sick of you being sick". I miss those kids so much and I miss her. She got full custody and has even better insurance now that her ex left her. And he pays huge in child support and alimony every month.

RedHearts21 , Jimmy Conover Report

Final score:

199points

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Linda Lee 2 years ago

I hope Karma bites him in the azz.

157points

What goes into some people's choice to not have kids is that they can be a massive financial burden. Paying for diapers, clothes, food, backpacks, toys, extracurricular activities, doctors appointments, vacations, and essentially everything else children could ever need can be overwhelming. According to recent data, the average family in the US will spend $272,049 on a child before they turn 18. This does not include higher education, but it does include housing and food, which come out to be the largest expenses. For people who are already struggling to make ends meet, or who have no intentions of saving up any time soon, the idea of having kids can be daunting. Some choose not to jump headfirst into financial stress and opt to avoid kids altogether. If there is a will, there’s a way. But if there is not a strong enough will to have kids and make enough money to provide for them, don’t feel pressured to have them at all.

#10

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted My mom just forgot we existed and had another baby to keep her happy. I have 10 siblings

JoshPum , pexels Report

Final score:

180points

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Kim Shannon 2 years ago

I know someone who comes from a family of 18 kids. Their mom would have a baby and make the younger kids take care of it, while she concentrated on getting pregnant again.

105points

#11

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted Awful. I had my son at 18. I wish I’d never had him. He’s all grown up now, but resents me for not giving him the childhood he wanted. I couldn’t afford the childhood he wanted- I was working over 80 hours a week to keep food on the table.

I was convinced to have and raise my son by my family and ex-husband. There are days when I break down thinking of the life I should have had. I was supposed to go to college. I was supposed to move out of my hometown, to carve out a place for myself in the world.

Instead, I became a mom.

And I still hate it.

anon , pexels Report

Final score:

174points

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33Possums 2 years ago

The sad truth is that some people are not suited to be a parent, at least at some point in their lives. You were not ready and your resentment probably has fueled his resentment. It was unfair of your family to pressure you into keeping this child. Hopefully he will mature and at least realize what you were up against.

85points

#12

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted My girlfriend had a 2 year old when I met her. He’s 5 now.

I didn’t plan to have kids, but I love her. I’m pretty much used to it, I teach him stuff and he’s attached to my hip when he’s here (joint custody with the father) but ideally I’d have preferred to not have a kid around.

I can deal though. He can be a little s**thead sometimes lmao. Also it’s weird disciplining someone else’s kid so I’m just getting there, I can see the betrayal in his eyes, I’m supposed to be like the fun uncle, getting on to him is weird.

Never really said that out loud this is liberating

Dewy_Wanna_Go_There , pexels Report

Final score:

169points

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Bobby 2 years ago

My boys call me bobby. That's OK. Dad is still in the picture(ish) but boy when I hear them say to their friends "sorry my dad said I have to come in for dinner"... the feels there

113points

MassiveConflict2465 Report

Despite some parents knowing that they never wanted kids, sometimes they end up with them anyway. Some of these people say that their lives are completely changed after holding their baby in their arms, and they boast that they could never imagine their life going in a different direction. But for others, they might still be having second thoughts even after the child is born. According to a study of 2,500 Polish parents, 13.6% of participants between the ages of 18 and 40 admitted that they regret having kids. The study also found that the group who said they regret having children tended to have poorer physical and mental health than those who did not regret starting a family. Reasons for regretting the choice to have kids varied, from having an identity crisis to feeling burnt out to having financial struggles.

#13

My ex husband was emotionally abusive and, if I’m being completely honest with myself, forced me into getting pregnant 3 months after going into labor and losing our daughter at 20 weeks.

I wasn’t ready and I hadn’t really had a chance to grieve - he quit his job 3 days into my required maternity leave, so I had to go back to work as soon as physically possible.

Our son was 13 weeks early, spent two months in the nicu and cost over a million dollars in his first year. Thank goodness for good insurance! Now my son is almost 7, his “father” hasn’t been in the picture for years, and until recently, I was doing it all on my own.

My son showed incredible strength to grow big enough to breath on his own and come home, so I’ve made it my mission to give him a great life and make sure he never knows that I didn’t want to be a parent after my daughter died.

Final score:

145points

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eff the haters 2 years ago

That's a good example of an asshøle father right there

87points

#14

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted I never wanted to be a mom. No part of me has ever been maternal in any way. I have a kid that I love more than anyone in the world. But I’m ready for her to become a young adult. I enjoy being alone and doing what I want, when I want. She is extremely attached to me and it’s unbearable most of the time. But again, I love her and don’t regret my decision to have her.

sasshley_ , pexels Report

Final score:

129points

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Falicity Humdinger 2 years ago

Sadly with the new laws in America, stories like this will become common place. I can only try to close my mind to thought of the increase in child abuse and alcoholism among parents, drug misuse, children bearing children! Let me get this right if a 12 year old child/girl is raped, she not only faces this trauma, but then has to go through pregnancy, birth and raising a child as a child? Please someone correct me on this! As sickening as it is to suggest or think it, what if she's raped by her father, is the child then forced to have an inbred child? Please, PLEASE someone tell me there are exceptions to this bill!

91points

#15

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted I’m speaking from personal experience with my son and I, and this may be a long one.

I never wanted to have kids. It seemed like way to much responsibility for someone like me. I work, I pay bills, I am responsible, but I can only handle so much responsibility. I felt like kids would push me over that line where happiness would disappear, and to be honest, I was right. It did in fact disappear.

My son was born a little over a year ago. He wasn’t planned. My Wife and I welcomed him into our lives with open arms. We loved and cared for him (and still do) and we are trying our best to provide him with a great life. But for me, doing everything I can to provide him with a great life is, in essence, sucking my soul out of me.

As time went on, and as it goes on, I become more and more depressed, anxious, and phobic about things in life that I used to seemingly love. I’ve went from this super cheery and outgoing individual to a husk of what I was. But my son doesn’t know how I feel. When he’s in the room, everything is well. It isn’t fair to him that I take out my personal demons on him.

I love him so much I can’t explain it in words. He’s a hilarious little kid, he’s adorable and incredibly smart, but the responsibility of him is tearing me apart. I hope as he grows older and starts to become more independent, I’ll start to feel better, but for now it’s like the weight of the world on me.

frizzhf , Kelly Sikkema Report

Final score:

123points

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Connie Martin 2 years ago

Sounds like a situation counseling would help. A lot

112points

While it can be assumed that most parents do not regret their decision to have kids, bringing up the fact that some do is a valuable conversation worth having. It is so important for young people to understand what they are getting themselves into before they decide to have kids, from the physical aspect for women to the financial and social aspects to the variables that are out of a parent’s control like the possibility of having twins or a child with mental or physical disabilities. One mother candidly opened up about her experience to Maclean’s, explaining that she never wanted kids but was pressured to have them for her husband. After the couple eventually separated due to the strains of parenthood, the mother says that their life is not easy. “Our child has two homes and I’m still doing 90 per cent of it on my own.”

#16

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted You hate them, and you hate yourself for hating them.

Whalesftw123 , pexels Report

Final score:

118points

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Labellesouris 2 years ago

Oh jeez, I am so sad that you and your kids are in that place! You need to find another way for them to grow up or all of you will be damaged beyond measure when they are ready to be grown folks

53points

#17

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted Its like having some guests at your house that never never get around to leave for years, but you must take care of them to avoid getting into trouble and judged by others.

deepstatetraitor , pexels Report

Final score:

111points

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Emerald Ocean 2 years ago

I’m sorry. I can’t believe that this country is going to force more to be in your situation!

45points

#18

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted Like having a child you want to get rid of? Or having a child when it wasn't planned? My son, was not planned, his mom wanted to trap me, and get that sweet child support. She lied about being on the pill. She cheated on me when pregnant, I left her. I was present for my son's birth in fact I brought him into the world because the OB left the room for an emergency, and wasn't available. He came out alarmingly quick once it all happened. Tried to reconcile, but my ex kept cheating. We split for good before he was one, my son lived with me. We went to court, the court sided with me, but she still hounded me with unfounded complaints whether to children's aid or other bodies, trying to claim my son on taxes etc. So what's it like? Well my life was effectively ruined, I left university, worked sheet metal full time, until an accident, now I practice law, after going back to school. It's extremely tough, and I wonder if my experience is different because I am sole support father, we don't have access to the same resources as single mothers do, and often the resources we can access, is a fight and a half to get them. So, it's hard, it's tough, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Just because my son wasn't planned, and just because I sacrificed an awful lot for him, doesn't change that I love him more than anything in the world, and it doesn't change that I would do it all over again just to have him in my life. He is the kindest sweetest most sincere young man you could ever hope for. So, I don't think matters if you wanted to have children or not, I guess you either love them or you don't.

anon , Pavel Danilyuk Report

Final score:

110points

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anarkzie 2 years ago

It's nice that one of these stories had a positive ending.

41points

What many mothers who regret having children want people to understand is that they are not neglectful or abusive parents, they just wish that they did not always need to put their children first. Lola Augustine Brown writes in Today’s Parent, “I am not a monster. In fact, I think I’m a kick-ass mom. But what I’m struggling with is that it feels like their amazing life comes at the expense of my own.” She explains that mothers must have a safe place or community to express these feelings, because the societal expectation is that having children is the pinnacle of any woman’s life.

#19

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted This is a story of a very close friend of mine, on a bit different note, but I guess it could fit, in some light. He was abused as a kid (violence and mentally, by both parents), and was scared of ever even getting close to kids, in a fear he would hurt them in some way. He is generally a really meek, but caring person, like a total opposite of what he got at home - this was his just coping mechanism, as kids literally clung to him. Then he met a loving woman and they married. She slowly warmed him up to being around younglings (it helped she works in preschool/daycare), and finally they (both) decided it's okay to go.

Two attempts (sadly) and little over year later he was holding small baby in his arms - his eyes, his hair, her face, her smile.

He told me, during the pregnancy he was super happy, and did everything he could for his wife and future junior. He started loving it truly, and when he felt it kicking, he was internally overflowed with happiness, that a small human was growing there, and he, or she will have dreams, laughs and hurdles. Yet, standing there, he felt nothing. Like no spark, no love, no happiness, no resentment, no joy, nothing. He was holding small, hot, moving piece of meat *which* he had absolutely no attachment to. It crushed him. Talk with wife crushed him even more. He did everything he could to care for her in hope he will grow to love... but it never came. As soon as time allowed, he went into therapy, and after three years heard that sometimes... this just happens.

His daughter is now 6, is healthy and happy, as far as I can tell, but I heard my share of his pain. He feels inferior as a human, for deceiving his daughter, and he powers trough it by sheer willpower and effort. 'If I can't love her, at least I will still try to give her something I couldn't have - caring home'. He told me exactly once, that he really, really regrets agreeing to have a kid, but I could feel his shame.

His wife is wonderful person enough to accept him, like this. She told us (my fiance is more of her support than I am), she wanted more kids, but she is really afraid to put more on him. Raising one will be enough of a challenge for them, that's for sure. I know he will keep all his promises and words, but it already takes a toll on him.

Trudar , Kelly Sikkema Report

Final score:

105points

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Seabeast 2 years ago

A caring home is not nothing. There are completely inadequate neglectful parents who love their children but don't give them the basic necessities of life.

84points

Princessleiasperiod , Anete Lusina Report

#20

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted I helped raise my ex's 4 yr old until she was about 6 or 7. I never got used to it. Yes I loved her very much and would do anything for her. I just couldn't deal with the crying and lack of sleep and being disobedient. Everytime I wanted to do something like play a game, go the bathroom or have a conversation with her mom she always butted in. Also she was an only child and always wanted me to play dolls with her or something. I just couldn't handle someone needing my attention like that all the time. Call me selfish. I went from being single for years to being daddy. I just realized I cant do it.

Final score:

104points

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flutterbyy 2 years ago

Nothing selfish about wanting some time for yourself.

53points

#21

I'm not seeing a lot of first hand responses, so I'll jump on the grenade.

I have two sons who (despite loving them very much and wanting the best for them) my life would be much better if I hadn't had them. My whole life growing up I expressed doubts that I wanted kids, because kids freak me out. Everyone always said that it would be different when it's your own kids. I'm sure for some people it is, but for me it's not.

I think I have some kind of phobia of kids. I'm on the autism spectrum (as is my oldest son), and I hate that I helped bring two people into this world that I can't be there for. I wanted to be a good father, and all things considered I'm still not terrible, but I don't enjoy time with my kids the way I should.

My wife and I separated when our boys were still young due to other issues in our relationship, she has since remarried to a great guy who is wonderful with our boys. She moved about 5 hours away but I still visit them on big holidays and their birthdays. I pay my child support without fuss. I'm happy knowing my boys are happy, but it's a weight taken off my shoulders that I'm not having to care for them, because I just can't.

If there was a moral to this story I would say that if you think you might not be able to handle kids it's perfectly okay to not have them. But make sure that's known early in the relationship. Don't expect your partner to change because they'll be expecting you to change as well, and one if not both of you will end up unhappy. The bonus moral is never trust someone who wants to use the rhythm method of birth control.

ChameleonSting Report

Final score:

90points

POST

Bubs623 2 years ago

The other - better- moral of all these stories is take care of your own, personal birth control, whatever that may look like or be. And especially in the good old USA right now and the current overturning of Roe. Even though it's still legal in many states, the most conservative states are Even showing signs of blocking access to birth control for women. It's disgusting, distressing and wrong.

75points

josies-on-a-vacation Report

A friend of Lola’s notes that she sometimes feels jealous of her childfree friends who can take spontaneous vacations or head off to a painting retreat whenever they like. “It’s not regret. It is something deeper, like a realization that there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to care for them and myself, without some things falling off the to-do list—and that, all too often, the thing that falls off the list is me.” The funny thing is that people often assume that mothers are neglecting their children if they regret having them, but what seems to be more likely is that the mothers neglect caring for themselves. Even if they don't feel particularly maternal, most mothers find a way to pour everything they have into their kids.

#22

So, I married a man with two kids and we have a daughter together. Totally thought I had it in me to be a stepmom. To make it worse, one kid was a baby when we got together and so I am more bonded to him and the other one drives me nuts. I have thought about getting divorced multiple times over it but when it’s me, my husband, and our daughter it is so nice. I dread when they come and can’t wait until they leave. I try to treat them well because it’s definitely not their fault. I wouldn’t have done if I would have known how ill-equipped I would be. I am just so annoyed all the time. I know I sound like the typical evil stepmom and I wish I didn’t. There’s just no affection, especially for the oldest. Thanks for letting me vent this here because I feel like nobody understands.

Final score:

90points

POST

Genny McD 2 years ago

My first husband had a4 year old daughter when I married him. I didn't have kids yet. I really really wanted kids, for years at this point, and thought being a step mom would be the best thing in earth since I didn't have my own kids yet. Although most of the time we had a great relationship, my step daughter often yelled at me and told me how much she hated me (typical teenage stuff I guess). I ended up having 2 sons with my husband. Every time there was a conflict with me and our daughter (my step daughter) he always stuffed with her and told me that I was being mean to her because she wasn't mine, which wasn't true at all. I always wanted a daughter, and to this day she was the only daughter I had. Me And her dad divorced when she was 13. We were both in the military and he was gone like 80% of the time, so I was her primary parent most of the time (her biological mom never wanted anything to do with her). After we divorced, my ex never let me see her or talk to her again. The next time I saw her was at her wedding when she was 25. She was so beautiful. Sorry to go off on that tangent, the point I was trying to make is, I wanted to be a step mom, but there were times when I wished that I hadn't married him bc he did not sorry me at all with raising her.

33points

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#23

Love isn’t a light switch that you suddenly feel. Love is a process. It takes time and work. He’s doing that work.

Media and hype around kids is built up to stupid levels and leaves many parents with feelings of inadequacy. Lots of parents (especially Dads) struggle with this. Pregnant mothers have a bit more time to come to terms with the fact they have a child, and hormones to back it up. It often doesn’t feel “real” for dads many parents until months or sometimes even a couple years after their kid is born.

Sometimes you just need to get out of your head and stop worrying about what you’re “supposed” to feel. Take care of your child. Make them feel loved. That’s all that you need to do.

reddit Report

Final score:

83points

POST

Delta Dawn 2 years ago

I did feel immediate love with my first, but with my second, who was just as wanted and planned as the first, it took several months to kick in. There’s no one right way to feel.

29points

#24

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted It set the tone for the rest of my life, one of those hindsight is 20/20 things. I honestly believe if I'd never had a kid, particularly as young and alone as I was in a very socially backwards area, I'd have made a lot more of myself. I know that could be taken as self-rationalization for lack of trying and failures. But I also know how I felt, how I have never bonded with my kid, and how both our lives could have been a lot better had I either waited to have her, or let another couple adopt her like I wanted but was forced out of the choice.

anon , RODNAE Productions Report

Final score:

78points

POST

SarahBee 2 years ago

I don't understand families that force you to keep a child. I don't think that there's any shame in saying "I'm just not ready for this." The people who forced you to keep her should have been co-parenting with you.

51points

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Lola writes that it is important for parents to find a way to cope with their conflicted feelings about parenting. You cannot resent your children or take it out on them, but as many parents note, it does get easier as they get older. The more self-sufficient kids become, the more their parents can take care of themselves too. Another friend of Lola’s says, “Now that they are all at school, I’m coming out of it, but it has been 10 years of me putting everyone’s needs first. Now it’s my turn, and it feels good.” She explained that she finally has time to dedicate to her art, which is a much needed escape and healthy outlet.

#25

I've honestly thought about this question before. My son (14months M) was planned, and he is incredible, absolutely a light in our lives. On the other hand, I was super ill the entire pregnancy, depressed and struggling up until a few months ago. Now, this was made worse by two moves (military), and covid of course, but I never ever want to do this again. Not quite the same, but similar.

We get so much pressure on "the next kid" from friends and family, and EVERYONE assumes you'll have more. I absolutely am one and done, at least biologically. I did not enjoy the baby days, and now that he's a toddler, he's amazing. I know two would just be above my capacity, and I would regret having another.

That being said, my husband and I are both really drawn to fostering, and will likely do so when we are at our final posting location and our kid is a bit older.

jawsmine Report

Final score:

77points

POST

Cori 2 years ago

Fostering is the perfect answer. I'm in the same boat. I have 2 kids I gave birth to. I did not enjoy being pregnant and having another newborn in the house sounds like a nightmare. Despite this, the baby fever is still super real so I'm going to apply to be a foster parent for the babies-who-sleep-through-the-night to toddler range. It's not the age range with the greatest need, but it's what our little family can handle. The world needs all the decent foster parents it can get.

30points

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#26

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted My sister got pregnant by a total piece of s**t she knew for 3 months.

Nephew born, he split. Loves her son, but not enough to take care of him. She moved in with my parents and passed all parenting duties to them.

It's obvious she resents him. She screams at him over little things. Everyone is miserable.

dtorre , Keira Burton Report

Final score:

74points

POST

Valerie Heath-Harrison 2 years ago

That's so sad. Poor kid.

60points

Tornado_Of_Benjamins Report

#27

I think this is what happened with my dad. Luckily "fake it til you make it" seems to work well enough. Now that I'm an independent adult, he has expressed that "of course you're my kid, but honestly I just enjoy hanging out with you". I can respect that even if he didn't feel ~love~ he helped me grow and supports me. And if a friendship-level of respect is all he can muster, I know that's not my fault. I think your friend and his kid will probably be ok.

Final score:

74points

POST

Mosheh Wolf 2 years ago

That is love. For some people it feels different or manifests itself differently.

13points

Whether or not you decide to have children, remember to be empathetic to every situation. People who don't have kids may have desperately wanted them but were unable to for various reasons, while those who have them might be jealous of their childfree friends. This list opens up a sensitive conversation, as parents have shared extremely vulnerable stories, but it is an eye-opening reminder that you never know what anyone else is going through. Let us know in the comments if these stories brought up any personal stories for you; we would love to hear what influenced your decision whether or not you wanted to have kids, or how you are leaning if you're still undecided.

#28

My husband and I have been raising my niece for 3.5 years. We also had my teenage nephew for a year before we had her, but growing up with my sister as a mom had done more damage to him than we could handle. My niece is almost 16 now. I'm 29 and I feel like I gave up my fun and careless years to raise my sister's kids. I've always dreamed of having my own children and now that I'm struggling to conceive I can't help but feel resentful that I'm raising one of my junkie sister's 6 healthy children.
Overall my niece is a good kid. I love her and I want her to do well in life, but she doesn't feel like she's our kid and she doesn't think of us when she thinks about who her parents are. She experienced a lot of trauma while living with my sister and it's a lot to handle. She was cutting for awhile and recently admitted to bulimia and has had suicidal thoughts. Her counselor keeps advising us to do more stuff with her and spend more time with her to pull her out of her dark moods. I feel like my mental energy is already 90% devoted to her and the thought of giving up even more of the 10% reserved for me and my husband is incredibly daunting.
It doesn't help that I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional household and my niece is one of my biggest triggers that brings those issues back up for me. I was just starting therapy to work on my past traumas when my niece started having a bunch of issues so all of my sessions became about managing her issues instead of dealing with my own. All I wanted when I was her age was somebody to save me from the dysfunction I was growing up in. I feel like I'm giving her exactly what I wanted as a teen but it's not enough for her and she doesn't appreciate it.
I've also witnessed all of my siblings and my nephew go totally off the rails and into addiction and bad life choices at 15/16 years old, so my niece developing a bunch of issues at this age triggered the hell out of me and made me feel like I was fighting against her inevitable downfall. Add that in with my complicated relationship with my sister and the resentment I feel towards her for placing this burden on me, the family I have to maintain contact with so that I'm not keeping my niece from them, and the fact that I'm not my niece's legal guardian so every medical thing is a huge hassle and it's all just too much.
I feel trapped and like I'm sacrificing my own future children on the slim chance that my niece might overcome my family's generational dysfunction.

V4ult_G1rl Report

Final score:

63points

POST

Kim Lorton 2 years ago

You are not an evil human being, if you do not want to take care of your sisters' kids. Say no, **ck anyone that tells you, you "have to" and go live your life. Get therapy and take care of yourself. Your sister needs to get help and your niece does too, more help than you can give her. Turn her over to the court and foster system and they can place her where she will get the help and support she needs. If your sister gave her to you to raise, bit never made you the legal guardian, then she is guilty of neglect. Not You. Get your sister away from her and You, and do not let ANYONE tell you you are bad. If they want to shame you, give the kid to them. They feel guilty for not doing it, and are making you the guilt scape goat. Do not let them.

6points

Woman Moves Out Of Parents' Home After They Asked Her To Give Her Space To Brother, They Freak Out

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#29

I am really not proud to share this, but I went through a period of bad drug addiction resulting from mental illness and an abusive relationship (with the dad) so I actually had a period of time where I didn't want my children. Not as in I didn't want them to exist, I do and always have loved them, but I didn't want them WITH me basically because I knew that I was incapable of taking care of any of us so I was constantly overwhelmed, exhausted, and just wanted everything to stop. It was the worst and most heartbreaking period of my life because they deserved so much better and I knew it but I couldn't give that to them and every time they showed me any kind of affection I just wanted to break down because I didn't feel like I deserved it and didn't really know how to react.

I'm happy to say that I am now getting my s**t together and we have a good relationship (I'm extremely grateful that they're still young and have no memories of the Bad Times.) At any rate, the problem was with me, not them, and I have no respect for any parent who sees it otherwise.

EDIT: Thanks so much to everyone who replied (and gave awards! Wow!) I really wasn't sure what kind of reaction this was going to get but everyone has been really sweet and supportive so I just wanted to let y'all know I appreciate it. :)

Reddidnothingwrong Report

Final score:

56points

POST

SarahBee 2 years ago

I hope that therapy is part of your getting it together. You deserve every bit of love that is sent your way!

16points

Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk

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#30

"Ex-Girlfriend Baby-Trapped Me": 30 Parents Get Real About What It's Like To Raise Children They Never Wanted My kids are wanted by me, but not by their other parent. It's been over a year since any contact.

I'm watching them grow in a world that isn't made for them in many ways (they both have disabilities) and for their own parent to abandon them is the saddest thing I've ever seen. My older kiddo is autistic which is almost a blessing because older kiddo never had a decent connection with the other parent, and is very black and white with thinking. Younger kiddo doesn't remember the other parent, but isn't autistic (congenital physical disabilities) and I'm sure will ask harder questions than my autistic kiddo has.

legocitiez , Alexander Dummer Report

Final score:

53points

POST

Persephone 2 years ago

Better for them to be away from a toxic parent.

14points

SafetyDanceInMyPants Report

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#31

I don’t know if I fall into that category, but sometimes I feel like I do. I love my kids, and I’m told I’m a pretty good dad, and sometimes I enjoy it... but most of the time it’s just draining. I explain it as being like an introvert at a party full of strangers — it’s not that caring for kids is painful or whatnot, just like talking to strangers isn’t painful. It’s just draining. It sucks the energy out of you, whether you’re good at it or not. At a party, my goal is that the people I talk with feel heard and cared about and have fun, and that no one knows I’m secretly watching the clock waiting to leave — and with kids my goal is that they’re happy and engaged and feel loved and wanted and cared for, and don’t think I’m counting the seconds to bedtime. But accomplishing that drains me. I understand that there are people out there who enjoy spending time with kids, just like there are people who enjoy talking to strangers — and suffice it to say I’m just not one of them.

So I guess I want my kids, but what I really want is for my kids to magically be old enough that they’re no longer draining, and for me to get my life back a little. I mean, I love them and I want them to be happy and if anyone ever tried to take them from me I would go to hell and back to prevent it. But when was the last time I took a bike ride? When was the last time I looked forward to the weekend rather than seeing it as an exhausting slog? When was the last time I went into Monday a little rested, rather than just beaten down and exhausted? And, as importantly, when’s the next time I’ll get to do so? Five years from now? Ten? Will I be young enough to even enjoy it?

So, I don’t know if I’m in this category — probably not. But I definitely do feel that way a lot more than I’d like.

Final score:

17points

POST

SarahBee 2 years ago

Things change as your kids get older. I hope that these changes make parenting easier for you!

4points

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#32

I girl I worked with had a five year plan. Get a designer man, have a massive wedding, travel to fancy hotels and have a baby. She managed it all except the baby.

Two years of IVF later and still no baby.

After a long adoption process they get a 6 month old. Three months later they give him back and divorce.

She realised that she had only wanted a baby because that what people did and that meant she was successful! She had never thought about what having a baby meant and what it would do to her ‘perfect’ life.

The husband couldn’t live with what she had decided so left. At least the baby went to a couple who did want him eventually, instead of staying with her.

hartali Report

Final score:

15points

POST

eff the haters 2 years ago

Wow that's sad

5points

Different-Front4456 Report

#33

I am an unwanted child. My parents had addiction problems to both drugs and alcohol. My mother abandoned me and my dad when I was two years old to be with her new lover. My father was in the midst of a crippling pain killer addiction. My grandparents ended up raising me and they did their absolute best, but all of their love was never able to fix the deep seated abandonment issues I was left with. Now I am 26, married and have two children. I never wanted to have children but because of my past and wanting love more than anything, I let my now husband get me pregnant at 19 with our first, and then our son was a surprise 4 years later. I struggle with motherhood in ways that I can not articulate, but even so, I love my kids dearly. Sometimes though, I find myself wishing they would grow up and get out. I struggle with chronic mental and physical health issues I am just now starting to get treatment for, so those things don’t help. I tolerate motherhood a lot of the time, and I feel insanely guilty for never really loving actually *being* a mother. It is okay though, only sometimes I actually show my discontent with motherhood, so I am getting better.

Final score:

15points

POST

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#34

I think this is a conversation that more women (especially), should have. You are close to being burnt at the stake if you confess that actually if you could turn back the clock, you wouldn't have children. I feel that these conversations may stop perpetuating this idea that 1)if you're a woman you will automatically adore your children 2) you have more options than just having children.
Women do also go through things such at PND, and maybe others talking about it won't make them feel so guilty and alienated.

MD564 Report

Final score:

14points

POST

Don't you wish you knew 2 years ago

This really needs to be higher. Up vote!

2points

#35

I think my mom regrets having me. We have a weird relationship. She doesn't like me as a person and wasn't engaged with me as a child, but she did all the stuff she should do, and beyond. She just doesn't like me as a person. She's ok with my older brothers.

It's made me very convinced that if you don't want children, you shouldn't have them. It also makes me uneasy when parents judge other parents for not wanting their kids. There's not a good solution, but as an adult, I wish she had just raised me and not tried to fake liking me as a person through my 20s.

anon Report

Final score:

12points

POST

DaveR38 2 years ago

I am in a similar situation, although my birth mother has tried to make it up (and always had some contact) there is some distance there and always will be.

2points

#36

My mother point blank told us she didn’t want children and my father had begged and begged her for me. Then my younger sister was an accident. It’s always been an awkward, very strained and very tainted relationship. For a long time I held a ton of resentment and disgust for her. It’s made me into what I consider to be a pretty great parent though- I wanted children and even knowing I’d be giving up sleep and freedoms I knew I wanted them to KNOW they were wanted, planned for, adored.

My dad remarried and adopted two children of his second wife’s then they had one together, making us a family of 5. Now I get so much in way of a rich childhood for my children with all their cousins and aunt and uncles to love them. It’s not always completely life ruining I suppose but it did have a profound affect on how the first half of my life went for sure, how I felt about myself

StMungosHeartHealer Report

Final score:

12points

POST

#37

A very close friend has two children (6 and 2 1/2), but really because her husband wanted kids and she knew he'd leave her if she stood her ground on not wanting kids.

She loves her kids with all her heart, but misses the life she could've had without them. Aside from work (just started her residency) all she does is being a mom, she has little to no time for her own hobbies anymore, and misses that a lot.

I can't say if the kids notice that, at their age, but I worry they might, at some point, or that she'll one day just crack and resent either her kids or her husband for taking that childfree life from her.

Vaiara Report

Final score:

11points

POST

Joi Cain 2 years ago

And the Supreme Court is about to make this a reality for many more poor souls.

4points

#38

It's hard. I never wanted kids. I have two. I love them more than anything and do everything I can to make sure they're safe and happy.

My wife was a stay at home mom. I raided my retirement account to keep up with bills. I sold $60k of stock 2 years ago that's worth almost $200k now. It was a sacrifice to make sure that my kids would have a parent at home. There were times that, if I could have gone back in time and not have kids, I would have. I think, as I'm writing this, it's the first time I wouldn't go back, if I had the chance.

Things are better now. Although I'll hit retirement age when my younger child graduates college. My wife is working and made almost as much as I did, and about twice what she ever made in the past. Tax payer funded college would sure help out now.

Even if you want kids, raising them is about the hardest thing you'll ever do. Therapy helped me and my wife. And we also did some couples therapy.

xubax Report

Final score:

11points

POST

#39

I love my son more than anything else in the world.

But he wasn’t my idea.

My (now ex-)wife was dealing with mental health issues I still don’t understand. It was one of the causes of intense stress in our relationship. Eventually she “decided” the “solution” was to have a child right away.

I told her we weren’t ready, emotionally or financially, but I loved her so much (and still do) that I gave in. After all, I did want to be a father someday, so if starting a little too early could help bring us closer together, it would be worth it, right?

Wrong.

Now we have split custody, I’m at the lowest point in my life so far, our toddler son is struggling with the new reality of his broken family, and she’s “doing great.” At least that’s what she says when she says anything to me at all.

I love him so much, he’s the best kid in the whole world. He’s the only good thing in my life. But I wonder every single day what life would be like if we had never had him.

And if I had never met her.

Whoever said “‘Tis better to have loved and lost…” never met my lovely wife.

reddit Report

Final score:

11points

POST

SarahBee 2 years ago

Having kids never solves problems. The pressure of parenting, especially young children, is just going to put more cracks in what's broken.

7points

#40

Being a single mum with a kid stuck with me, it just feels like an obligation to me. I do love my kid for sure. But I don't really feel the "bond" or the wishy washy mum-son relationship/connection that the other parents describe. Sometimes I envy those parents. Maybe because the pregnancy was unplanned, or maybe because at how terrible it was coming home to an empty apartment with all of his things done then suddenly I have to take care of this little man with his face on it.

I do try my best to provide everything for him, getting a better job, buy all the things he needs and wants. But yeah, an obligation, a responsibility.

ShadowMoon314 Report

Final score:

10points

POST

#41

It sucks. I had a kid as a teenager. I was in an abusive relationship and he wanted me to give the baby for adoption, and wouldn't "allow" me to have an abortion. My parents put big pressure on me to keep the baby. After birth, I was flooded with emotion and took the pressure to keep the baby. After a few days, I felt I'd made the wrong decision, but it was too late. It continues to feel too late for months until I said "this is my life now." That's not a great feeling.

He went through a phase where he looked just like his father, which was awful. The father was not involved except to stalk me. He paid no child support.

I got used to my role as a parent by the time he was in school and it was "fine" but I wasn't thrilled with my life. Then, in middle school, he went bad like milk. He was acting out in all the ways. By then, I was partnered. We tried literally everything to modify his behavior for the positive.

I still don't want him. He's grown now and just not a good person.

fairiefire Report

Final score:

7points

POST

Rachael Klein 2 years ago

I think that child knew how much you didn't want him and fed off of that. He didn't just turn out bad, you helped to make him that way. People don't realize how much children feed off of our moods.

3points

Howdy, I'm Adelaide! I'm originally from Texas, but after graduating from university with an acting degree, I relocated to sunny Los Angeles for a while. I then got a serious bite from the travel bug and found myself moving to Sweden and England before settling in Lithuania about two years ago. I'm passionate about animal welfare, sustainability and eating delicious food. But as you can see, I cover a wide range of topics including drama, internet trends and hilarious memes. I can easily be won over with a Seinfeld reference, vegan pastry or glass of fresh cold brew. And during my free time, I can usually be seen strolling through a park, playing tennis or baking something tasty.

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Rasa is a photo editor at Bored Panda, they have a college degree in photography and are currently studying sewing. Ever since childhood Rasa was interested in visual arts, including painting, photography, knitting and so on. When not at work or studying they like to knitting, cooking and spending quality time with their cats.

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I'm a visual editor at Bored Panda. I kickstart my day with a mug of coffee bigger than my head, ready to tackle Photoshop. I navigate through the digital jungle with finesse, fueled by bamboo breaks and caffeine kicks. When the workday winds down, you might catch me devouring bamboo snacks while binging on the latest TV show, gaming or I could be out in nature, soaking up the tranquility and communing with my inner panda.

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What do you think ?

POST

Pamela24 2 years ago

These stories are one of the many reasons why abortion should be legal. Children who are born despite not being wanted hurt so much. The pro-birth folks often feel like everyone is so grateful for being alive but so many people aren't. Because why would you if your life has been full of suffering ever since you were born?

62points

CatGirl 2 years ago

I'm sorry someone downvoted you for saying this - it's the absolute truth and you should keep saying it LOUD!!

17points

Jerry Mathers 2 years ago

Here's the rub. Unwanted kids, neglected kids, abused kids all grow up knowing it and striking back against society. Do not fall for the "tough on crime" BS that's coming when the fallout from this disaster starts bearing fruit. This decision is a huge disaster for this country. The misery it will create for society is huge. If you get pregnant and don't want it and want to get an abortion, please find a way to do so. Don't post about it. Just do it. And if someone is threatening to sue you or tell, do post about. Do give names, addresses and numbers. Let those that want to cause misery be the recipient of it. Let them experience hell. Let's keep 'em so busy barely keeping their heads above water they don't have time to worry about others. It's time to show them how fun it is to have people interfere with their lives.

2points

John Clay 2 years ago

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similarly 2 years ago

This hits hard. I'm 51. I spent the first half of my life being unwelcome and unwanted. I spent the last half of my life being "necessary" and "useful" because I clean and pay the bills. I don't know what it feels like to be welcome and wanted.

26points

Rens 2 years ago

I can definitely relate to this. I had such low self-esteem and thought so little of myself that I thought the only way that people would keep me around is if I made myself indispensable. All that happened is everybody just took whatever they wanted from me and left me with nothing. I took me a long time a lifetime really to become the person I am now (50) and no one will ever take advantage of me again. Know your own worth and root your self-esteem into your character as a human being. I'm finally in a situation where I feel welcome and wanted, appreciated and respected x

6points

MoMcB 2 years ago

I feel like this a lot. It's hard.

2points

Squee She 2 years ago

Hey, you're wanted by me. I see you. You struggle, and I care, and I send internet love 💜

0points

Cathy Hurd 2 years ago

My mother didn't want kids until we were old enough to take care of her. Then we were her best friends. Her mantra while we were growing up "I should have raised dogs instead"

0points

FreshGanesh 2 years ago

As a gay guy I never imagined having kids. Into my 20’s, adoption wasn’t an option. Kids never entered into the equation. At 28, my partner & I were doing well and planned to surrogate with a close lesbian couple. We ended up buying a typical SF, 3-flat building, with the women owning one, us another & a random partner the third. I got cold feet. Realized I either wasn’t ready or maybe I was too self-involved to be ready. I left my relationship/job/life and travelled for 3+ years. I stayed close to the three of them and their 3 kids, but it took some time to forgive & heal from me bailing. At 37, I found my person when I very much wasn’t looking. We were close to a single mom & her 3yo. She got sick, so ended up moving them in with us so I/we could care for both of them until she passed. We hadn’t any plans for kids and throughout this time thought of ourselves as the cool gunkles. We became dads to a 4yo who had no other family. He’s almost 9. He is my greatest joy & pleasure. Ever!

25points

JMil 2 years ago

This is beautiful. I'm so happy for you and SO.

5points

Kate 2 years ago

It wasn't until my then-teenage little sister pointed out to me that our mom likes our boyfriends more than she likes us that it hit me: she wanted boys, not girls.

13points

Laura Elizabeth 2 years ago

My brother in law is my father's favorite child for that very same reason.

0points

Powerful Musk Ox 2 years ago

Just want to take this moment, as a therapist, to reiterate: Peri-partum depression can happen to all genders. While hormonal aspects can play into it, it is so much more than that. The bottom line is: it is not your fault if it does happen, and having a child can exacerbate pre-existing mental health issues, as well. You don't have to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" or feel shame for having perfectly understandable emotions, even intrusive thoughts. What is problematic is not getting help/asking for help when you need it. Please never forget that asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.

10points

Cori 2 years ago

Yes, to all of this! People with mental health issues who find the strength to seek help are some of the strongest people on the planet. Truly. It is the exact opposite of weakness.

1point

Kitty1019 2 years ago (edited)

If men don't want children they should wear a condom and not just blindly believe that a woman is on the pill. And if you know that you never want children, get a vasectomy or have your tubes tied and save the children the grief of growing up unwanted and unloved.

8points

Momica98 1 year ago

Birth control fails, including condoms and the pill, even when used correctly. These people obviously weren't thinking too far ahead while they were in bed.

0points

Indigo Tiger 2 years ago

This is so much of why I would never want a child :( It sounds selfish that I want my freedom and my money only to myself and maybe a future partner, but there's so many reasons in this little forum that justifys it.

7points

Tamra 2 years ago

It's not selfish to not want children. You don't owe the world a child. You owe it to yourself to know what you want out of life, and if that's not kids, then that's totally fine.

8points

Nitka Tsar 2 years ago

I don't think it is selfish. So many people on reddit tell others to not give their money to entitled parents/ siblings or that a lottery win is theirs and not their families. Why would this be different with ones own kids that don't even exist yet?

6points

Pinky Gladys Gutsman 2 years ago

You owe it to the child- not to have one.

1point

Disgruntled Panda 2 years ago

Indigo Tiger, what you're saying is very much not selfish. It's your right to not want/have children and being honest and upfront about it is so much better than ending up with a child you did not want.

1point

Rachael Klein 2 years ago

If being a parent was always fun and exciting, we wouldn't be lecturing teens about waiting until they were emotionally and financially ready. Parenting is hard, as it should be. You are raising a human being into an independent adult. Just think of how many things you had to learn throughout your life to get where you are. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't quick. People inherently know that raising a child is difficult, but it's like they want to try it and see for themselves, only to be disappointed when they learn it takes work, patience, and at least a little dedication to get the best results. Or they try to blame others for their own decisions.

4points

33Possums 2 years ago

People don't inherently know anything. Just because you have a certain opinion on parenting and its expectations doesn't mean everyone else has the same opinions - lots of people end up being lousy parents and you're not going to fix them. Some people think that bringing any child into the world is wrong.

2points

Step 2 years ago

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Tommy Pickles 2 years ago

I was unwanted but by my older siblings. My parents had the first 4 before age 21. Got their lives together and had me at 30. I got more because my parents were better off when I was born. Somehow its ALL my fault my siblings went without before I existed. Same for our younger sister. Older siblings would dump their unwanted early babies on me as a teenager and say, "I had to watch you as a kid. Deal with it." And thet took glee in my dad's financial troubles when I was 15 and my mom died suddenly because suddenly my younger sister and i now knew what it was to suffer. And they can't understand why I cut them out over a decade ago. Wrap it before you tap it people. Adoption and abortion are options (unless you're over here in the United States of Republican Oppression). Don't feel you have to keep unwanted babies. You hurt them and others by doing so. Not everyone is cut out for parenthood and THAT'S OKAY! We are more than our reproductive systems.

3points

Patti Vance 2 years ago

i relate to many of these posts. i was told that i couldn't have kids then ended up pregnant. due to my reproductive issues i didn't even know i was preggers until almost my 6th month. i was terrified that iwas going to screw up this innocent that i had brought into the world. to say i was a reluctant mom is an understatement. i had no support due to my parents being active duty military and living over 350 miles away. while i was married at time of birth i ended up a single mom when he was 18 mos old. excluding all forms of abuse/neglect i figured out that there was no 'right' way to parent so decided that if i wanted him to grow up to be a good/kind/strong human i had to show him how to be one by example. the reality is that he taught me so much about myself. where were rocky moments but now, at 42, guess where he is...living w/his family right next door by his own choice. he is a big burly self proclaimed mama's boy which makes me realize that i guess i didn't do too bad. .

3points

Tigger 2 years ago

Some of these stories would have been solved by people using protection.

3points

Nitka Tsar 2 years ago

Tell that to your brilliant sex education

5points

CelticElff 2 years ago

MEN: You are just as responsible for birth control as the woman. FFS, use a condom!! Quit playing the victim with "she trapped me" b.s. A condom is YOUR birth control. Use it or STFU.

2points

Momica98 1 year ago (edited)

No birth control is 100 percent effective except abstinence. Clearly some of these parents forgot about that.

0points

Cathy Hurd 2 years ago

My former sister had 3 healthy, good kids that she tossed away like trash. I took them in, I was a single parent with 3 kids of my own. My mother said they should go into foster care. She didn't care any more about her grandchildren than she did about her own kids. I on the other hand always wanted kids. I have 3, 2 with serious medical issues (my oldest passed away at 25). My only regret in life is not having more children. Life just isn't fair.

1point

Notorious DBT 2 years ago

This is what happens when people are forced to stay pregnant and raise children they don’t want.

1point

Pinky Gladys Gutsman 2 years ago

This is what happens when people are irresponsible. Abortion is not birth control - duh!

3points

KimB 2 years ago

I love how all the "pro-lifer's" always fall back on adoption. Let me tell you first hand adoption isn't all it's cracked up to be. I have several friends and coworkers who are adopted. By good families too mind you no abuse, neglect, severe poverty ect. Each and every one of them has needed or is getting therapy. It's inevitable to feel bad because their birth parents "didn't want them or couldn't take care of them because of mental illness/addiction, ect. One girl I knew in high school committed suicide after she was diagnosed schizophrenic which she inherited from her birth mother. Her adopted mother was so grief stricken she ended up taking her own life a year later. No one talks about things like this though...

1point

repeekyraid cero 2 years ago

Nature doesn't care under what circumstances offspring is produced. "Mother" nature itself is the most dismissive part of this trash equation and it will remain that way until eternity. (Some of the people born under these circumstances will be absolutely wonderful&broken people, so it's not entirely hopeless, as they prevent future cases)

1point

OneHappyPuppy 2 years ago

I feel this. I got pregnant really quickly after getting married and it was not at all what I wanted at that point in time. While waiting to go into labor I cried knowing full well that was the last time I'll be alone. Truly alone, something I cherish. I ended up with PPD and just recently have gotten off prozac. 5 years. My son is slightly autistic, non-verbal until recently, I try my best around him but as someone who has no idea how to engage a kid I fear he'll soon feel unwanted. I don't know how to play with him. When I try, he refuses. I love him to death, abortion was never an option for me, I couldn't do it in a million years, I am a frustrated depressed mom to a kid who needs me and I just don't know how to give him more. Someone here said "counting minutes to bedtime" and it hit hard. I want to give him my best but I can't seem to find it for myself, let alone him. The guilt eats at me day in day out.

1point

Momica98 1 year ago

"I never wanted a kid." Then take a good hard look at your sexual partners; are you willing to have a child with them?

0points

Vera Cyning 1 year ago

#9 also had an older brother stillborn. I don't even have my own name. She just feminized his.

0points

Squee She 2 years ago

Childfree, and an unwanted myself (my mum wanted me! not the bio sperm). Loved the article, cried with the posters, and leaving love here for the rest of us 💜

0points

Mary Clifford 2 years ago

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0points

JMil 2 years ago

This was a brutal thread. My heart goes out to all. It makes me realize I take for granted my near picture perfect love for my daughter and wife (that said, having a kid is hard, life is more difficult but the highs are higher and (planned) fatherhood has been even more fulfilling than I expected).

0points

Katinka Min 2 years ago

It is sad to read how so many people are just swallowing their feelings and suffer in silecne. In my city (Eruopre) there is family councelling for free - but so many people don't use it because there is this weird stigma. As if you have to automatically know how to be a parent and run a family or else you are a failure. But a family is a complex and exhausting group constellation and many parents just need help: Profesional advice, an open ear, access to support.

0points

precious presh 2 years ago

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-3points

Milan 2 years ago (edited)

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30_Helens_Agree 2 years ago

Why are you so obsessed with clicking on, reading, and then commenting on articles that make you bitter and angry?

1point

Carole Reid 2 years ago

You said it!

0points

RandomCitizen 2 years ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

Yomaira Wilson 2 years ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

33Possums 2 years ago

Fetuses don't have beating hearts until the pregnancy is nearly half way through, and one aborts a fully grown fetus unless there is something seriously wrong, so stop repeating stupid things you've heard on tv. Regardless, if you want to do your part, make sure your representatives guarantee birth control and sex ed.

4points

JinjoBread 2 years ago

You are, by a fairly large margin, the absolute DUMBEST f*****g person to ever post on this site.

4points

Lara M 2 years ago

Mosquitoes have beating hearts too. Want to let them drink your blood because they have a right to live?

1point

POST

Pamela24 2 years ago

62points

CatGirl 2 years ago

I'm sorry someone downvoted you for saying this - it's the absolute truth and you should keep saying it LOUD!!

17points

Jerry Mathers 2 years ago

2points

John Clay 2 years ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

similarly 2 years ago

26points

Rens 2 years ago

6points

MoMcB 2 years ago

I feel like this a lot. It's hard.

2points

Squee She 2 years ago

Hey, you're wanted by me. I see you. You struggle, and I care, and I send internet love 💜

0points

Cathy Hurd 2 years ago

My mother didn't want kids until we were old enough to take care of her. Then we were her best friends. Her mantra while we were growing up "I should have raised dogs instead"

0points

FreshGanesh 2 years ago

25points

JMil 2 years ago

This is beautiful. I'm so happy for you and SO.

5points

Kate 2 years ago

It wasn't until my then-teenage little sister pointed out to me that our mom likes our boyfriends more than she likes us that it hit me: she wanted boys, not girls.

13points

Laura Elizabeth 2 years ago

My brother in law is my father's favorite child for that very same reason.

0points

Powerful Musk Ox 2 years ago

10points

Cori 2 years ago

Yes, to all of this! People with mental health issues who find the strength to seek help are some of the strongest people on the planet. Truly. It is the exact opposite of weakness.

1point

Kitty1019 2 years ago (edited)

8points

Momica98 1 year ago

Birth control fails, including condoms and the pill, even when used correctly. These people obviously weren't thinking too far ahead while they were in bed.

0points

Indigo Tiger 2 years ago

7points

Tamra 2 years ago

It's not selfish to not want children. You don't owe the world a child. You owe it to yourself to know what you want out of life, and if that's not kids, then that's totally fine.

8points

Nitka Tsar 2 years ago

6points

Pinky Gladys Gutsman 2 years ago

You owe it to the child- not to have one.

1point

Disgruntled Panda 2 years ago

1point

Rachael Klein 2 years ago

4points

33Possums 2 years ago

2points

Step 2 years ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

Tommy Pickles 2 years ago

3points

Patti Vance 2 years ago

3points

Tigger 2 years ago

Some of these stories would have been solved by people using protection.

3points

Nitka Tsar 2 years ago

Tell that to your brilliant sex education

5points

CelticElff 2 years ago

MEN: You are just as responsible for birth control as the woman. FFS, use a condom!! Quit playing the victim with "she trapped me" b.s. A condom is YOUR birth control. Use it or STFU.

2points

Momica98 1 year ago (edited)

No birth control is 100 percent effective except abstinence. Clearly some of these parents forgot about that.

0points

Cathy Hurd 2 years ago

1point

Notorious DBT 2 years ago

This is what happens when people are forced to stay pregnant and raise children they don’t want.

1point

Pinky Gladys Gutsman 2 years ago

This is what happens when people are irresponsible. Abortion is not birth control - duh!

3points

KimB 2 years ago

1point

repeekyraid cero 2 years ago

1point

OneHappyPuppy 2 years ago

1point

Momica98 1 year ago

"I never wanted a kid." Then take a good hard look at your sexual partners; are you willing to have a child with them?

0points

Vera Cyning 1 year ago

#9 also had an older brother stillborn. I don't even have my own name. She just feminized his.

0points

Squee She 2 years ago

Childfree, and an unwanted myself (my mum wanted me! not the bio sperm). Loved the article, cried with the posters, and leaving love here for the rest of us 💜

0points

Mary Clifford 2 years ago

0points

JMil 2 years ago

0points

Katinka Min 2 years ago

0points

precious presh 2 years ago

-3points

Milan 2 years ago (edited)

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

30_Helens_Agree 2 years ago

Why are you so obsessed with clicking on, reading, and then commenting on articles that make you bitter and angry?

1point

Carole Reid 2 years ago

You said it!

0points

RandomCitizen 2 years ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

Yomaira Wilson 2 years ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

33Possums 2 years ago

4points