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In today’s "love at first swipe" culture, dating has become an extremely complex dance. With sweaty palms and a pounding heart, you scroll endlessly through apps and go on countless dates in hopes of meeting someone who might become "the one."
But when you finally find a person who gets you, those early days of a relationship can pass in a fog of bliss. Which often clouds your judgment and makes you miss the painfully obvious flaws being waved and flapped under your nose.
It’s important to be open-minded when dating, but it’s equally crucial to see the worrying warning signs sooner than later to avoid getting into unfortunate situations. Especially when some red flags are redder than others, even if they're incredibly hard to spot.
So one Redditor reached out to the men of 'Ask Reddit' and posed a question: "What are some less obvious red flags about men you would want to caution women against?" The thread immediately became a hit, with hundreds of honest responses that give a glimpse into the instances where women should proceed with caution or cut things off if necessary. We’ve gathered some of the most illuminating responses to share with you, so continue scrolling. Be sure to upvote the ones you agree with, and share your own experiences in the comments.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
If you're in your late teens or early 20s, and you're being pursued by a man in his mid-late 30s, ask yourself what the women his age see in him that you don't.
It will save you a lot of trouble
Agent 8433599 2 years ago
First off, I'm going to be questioning why a man IN HIS LATE THIRTY'S is pursuing a TEENAGER.
#2
You want a kind man, not a nice man/guy. Nice is transactional. Kindness is given freely.
We have long heard how necessary it is to steer clear of people who exhibit harmful behaviors and questionable patterns in relationships, but exactly what common signs should we be looking out for? To gain more insight from an expert, we reached out to Anna Eden, a dating and intimacy coach aiming to help career-focused people who’ve "made it" in life to make it in love so they can feel 100% fulfilled.
According to Eden, the most critical and glaring red flag women should be cautious about is physical, emotional, or mental abuse. "Any man that brings you down rather than lifts you up is a red flag," she told Bored Panda.
"Pay close attention because mental abuse starts with seemingly small things like not approving of your clothes, questioning your friends, or different levels of gaslighting, which means making you question yourself and your truth so you think you’re the crazy or unreasonable one. Any signs of abuse in any form mean 'thank you, next.'"
#3
I’m coming in late but this is something I’ve tried to teach all my daughters. Men will show you how they feel with their actions. If they say they care, but don’t put in the effort, listen to the actions. Not the words. Good advice for dating but also good advice for life really
Rahul Pawa 2 years ago (edited)
I've heard this as "look at where their shoes are pointing". Or more simply, "watch their feet". What someone does is a lot more important than what they say.
#4
So about his last 3 relationships and why they ended. If it is always the girl was crazy - it’s him, hes crazy
Another warning sign to look out for is "love bombing" — when men shower you with promises, flattery, and gifts at the early stage of dating. "This all feeds our Disney princess dream and we feel very special — it’s hypnotizing. But keep in mind this behavior usually comes from a manipulative place and is a learned rather than genuine behavior to win you over. If a man promises you the moon, be cautious," Eden said.
#5
When they don't respect the word no, even in the most benign of circumstances.
#6
If you hear a little voice inside you that says "I can change this man", he is not the man for you.
Soph the Loaf 2 years ago
The plots of countless romantic dramas I've seen take offense at this 😆
Moreover, if you notice any signals of controlling behavior such as "'don’t have too much fun *wink wink*' when you are about to go out with your girlfriends, or the very manipulative one 'text me when you get home' when you haven’t been with him," it might indicate you should stay far, far away.
Lastly, playing "lowkey" is also a questionable behavior that should give you serious pause because it can sometimes indicate a larger problem. "They seem to be operating under the radar and don’t take you out in public or introduce you to their friends. You don’t want to be a secret, and the question is why you are," the coach explained.
#7
A friend of mine dated a guy who apparently everyone wanted to fight.
At the gym. "This guy over here want to throw down."
At a mall. "Those guys look like they want to get hit."
At the grocery store. "This dude is looking at me like he wants to go outside."
No Steve. No one feels like fighting you. You are just on steroids.
#8
Don’t trust a man who can joke about others but can’t take it.
Edit: I know that this can apply to women. The thing is, I shouldn’t need a disclaimer just to gain permission to critique men and some of you shouldn’t need to drag women down just to acknowledge a personality flaw.
#9
If he tries to make you feel crazy/invalidate your feelings for being uncomfortable about something or for having boundaries, run.
However, picking up the red flags in your relationship, even the most painfully obvious ones, can be tricky if other things are going well. On top of that, it can be hard to pinpoint what is making us feel uncomfortable as "love is blind," and it makes us less rational, Eden said.
"We become this bubbly cocktail of happy love hormones feeling the butterflies, and tend to ignore the red flags because of the infatuation. That’s why we get to check in with ourselves and use our friends as a reality check — they are usually right and can point out our blind spots when we are not able to."
#10
As a father, things I've tried to teach my daughter to be aware of are subtle manipulations. In a healthy relationship there is no "let" as in, letting you do stuff or asking for permission. Watch for subtle controlling, passive aggressive comments or remarks. If he attempts to drive a wedge between you and your friends or family, move on. Watch and listen to how he treats other people. If you don't have self respect, he won't treat you with respect. If he doesn't call for days then acts like it's no big deal, move on. If he's clingy, definitely move on. Having a victim mentality attracts predatory, abusive behavior. If anyone treats you less than how you feel you deserve, it is imperative you deal with it early and quickly. If there's no meaningful communication or compromise, don't waste your time. Life is too short to deal with a possessive, jealous, controlling, manipulative, emotionally stunted or wrecked man. You can't fix people. Protect yourself and move on with your life without that person and don't look back. It's ok. Breakups are tough when you've invested your time and heart but you'll be better off alone than with someone like that. If he scares you, come to your dad's house. If he's smart, he won't follow you here.
#11
Him making fun of you in front of his friends or your friends. Cute teasing can be mildly tolerated but actually making fun of you? No thanks.
#12
No one mentioned the replacement mom issue.
I unfortunately had some friends who thought that once they get into a serious relationship that it’s the woman’s sole purpose to clean after them. No man children.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 2 years ago
If I didn't give birth to you, then I'm not cleaning up your messes. Look at the condition of their apartment/home. That says a lot
Coach Eden stressed the importance of noting repeated harmful behaviors if you want to find a partner who’s right for you. Unfortunately, very few things can make you as thrilled to bits as those early days in a new relationship, potentially clouding your judgment and overlooking your partner's less-than-ideal qualities.
"I believe many of us are wired in a way that we turn a blind eye towards the red flags," Eden noted. But having said that, she also explained we have the power to receive nurturing, caring, and drama-free love. "Dating 'bad boys,' attracting unavailable men, throwing ourselves into abusive relationships might feel familiar and therefore safe, as crazy as it seems. It’s something we are used to and so we continue doing it."
"If you recognize this, let me break it to you: it’s a pattern that you choose (subconsciously), not a curse that you’re a victim of. Working on yourself takes a lot of courage but will set you free and train you to get to a place where red flags are not even coming into your field because you vibrate higher."
#13
If he’s mean to servers, but nice to you. He’s not a nice person.
Hippopotamuses 2 years ago
“If you want to see the true measure of a man, watch how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.” - J. K. Rowling
#14
This goes for both genders, but don't date someone under the assumption that they'll change something fundamental about themselves. Not fair to either of you.
Agent 8433599 2 years ago
Don't expect someone to change for you, and don't let anyone try to change you.
#15
If he starts throwing tantrums over petty things, there is worse on the horizon. He's not passionate, he's unstable.
Joy 2 years ago
Yup and always trust your gut. The first time I saw a guy I was seeing get angry, my stomach flipped and it dawned on me I was sat there in his house just me and him. And although not literally, what what I learned later - even though he kicked my heart in - meant I had dodged a bullet. If I had stayed with him, I'd have ended-up a coke-ravaged skeleton living a bleak and stained existence. I thank God I got out.
Alarmingly, negative behaviors can turn into serious issues as the relationship evolves because the foundation is not solid. "We would deepen the connection and bond with each other on the wrong terms, normalizing abuse, dishonesty, and control in the container, a recipe to slowly break ourselves down," the coach warned.
As many of us tend to fall into old patterns of attracting people like the ones who hurt us in the past, it’s time to "get conscious about our wounds and snap out of that spiral. Dating consciously involves being fully aware and really checking in with yourself if the connection and person are in alignment with you and that you don’t lose yourself in the process," she noted.
"When we aren’t conscious, we tend to attract what feels familiar, which is not always healthy. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to snap out of this, that’s essentially what life is about in my opinion, to learn to relate and love through trial and error in order to evolve as a soul."
#16
I’ve seen stories of guys who rage and break their things when gaming. As someone who has been playing video games for about 20 years now, that is not normal nor is it okay. Like swearing sure, that’s understandable, but getting angry and breaking stuff ain’t it. It’s just violent behavior and a red flag.
S Mi 2 years ago
Also casual racism, misogyny or homophobia under the guise of 'its just gaming, that's how it is'. Nope. If they are 'just words' pick other words. Ii shouldn't be hard to give them up (with allowances for mistakes and learning). If you insist on using them, when any words can be 'just words', it says something about you.
#17
Any aversion to taking responsibility.
The older I get the more I find that the men I respect most aren’t the ones with great achievements to theirs names, but rather the ones who aren’t afraid to own their s**t.
#18
When someone is declaring multiple times they are not a certain way without prompt, they are actually that way.
To avoid dating and finding yourself in a partnership with men who share harmful qualities, Eden advised you to avoid settling for less. "A key is to shift the focus from 'needing' someone to 'being open to connect' with someone," the coach explained. "When we throw ourselves into dating and relationships because we want it so badly, we are more likely to ignore what is really important to us. Are you chasing the concept of love or actual love?"
"Also pay attention to whether you’re coming from a scarcity or abundance mindset. Settling for less because 'it’s hard to find a man' or seeing the abundance of beautiful good men in the world. That will reflect your choices and luck in this game."
#19
If anything happens to him and he always shifts blame to someone else, or something else, or the situation, that is a big red flag. Sooner or later everything will be your fault.
Also, if their story, complaint, rant, or explanation sounds too one sided, (again unable to take blame themselves) they are lacking empathy... red flag.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 2 years ago
A grown person admits mistakes, learns from them and moves on
#20
Blaming their childhood on treating you and others like rubbish.
Dre Mosley 2 years ago
Don't make people in your present pay for your past if you want a future.
#21
As a man, and someone who dates men, here's a big one that may seem obvious on the surface, but isn't always easy to listen to:
If you get even a tiny a gut feeling that tells you, "Hey, this guy kinda reminds me of (insert terrible man/ex/person)!" You should listen to it. I've never gotten that feeling where it hasn't been right in the end. Listen to yourself, you might not know why you feel that way but there is always something to it.
Edit: Fixed the grammar because it was bothering me a lot lol.
At the early dating stage, try asking yourself, "How does this relationship dynamic make me feel? How does he make me feel?" Moreover, be sure to check in with your closest friends and ask for their perspectives on your relationship. "If they notice that you’ve changed or seem weighed down by a connection, it’s time to look yourself in the mirror and ask what kind of life you came here to live. You deserve the best. Stay true to yourself and your needs."
"Lastly, always come from wholeness instead of incompleteness. Stop looking for your other half, that’s a trap. Instead, first look within yourself, love yourself, then open up to merge with someone who is also whole and create magic together without codependency or drama. Loving yourself, your own company and the way you are is a fruitful foundation to attract a partner who is also whole and can meet you at a higher level," coach Eden concluded.
#22
You’ll be able to tell if a guy is nice by how he behaves. If a guy _tells_ you he’s nice, ignore that. That’s meaningless.
#23
If they verbally attack you in an argument rather than discuss the issue.
If they constantly s**t talk other guys.
#24
If he disregards your opinion about something small, he will disregard your opinion about something large. And that can go pretty dark pretty quickly.
Every single questionable thing a person does that you excuse because you want to believe the best about that person should be taken as a yellow flag. Step back from the situation, assess it logically and in context of other behaviors or opinions. If you continually have to interpret their behavior only in the best possible light for it to be okay, you should run.
"When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags." - Wanda - Bojack Horseman
Silverstrand Beach 2 years ago
Stop falling for the man you know he can be, and look really hard at the man he is. That's who he will always be
#26
If he isn't on the same level of maturity of you, regardless of age, don't go for it. one of you will turn into the parent.
BlackAdder 2 years ago
What happens when you realise that but you are not mature enough to end it?
#27
If he refuses to admit that he is wrong. And/or, most of his apologies are along the line of, "I'm sorry you feel that way."
If he calls himself, "brutally honest". Or, "jokes" about subjects that are not socially acceptable to joke about.
the Return of Bruno 2 years ago
You can't be "brutally honest" without being "brutal." You can be honest without being brutally so.
#28
seems no one has brought up this 🚩🚩🚩
when he says, "don't worry about working, i'll take care of you." does he mean it's ok FOR NOW or does he mean he low key doesn't want you to have the means to leave if/when things go bad? there is a huge difference between support and sabotage but they come in a similar looking package sometimes.
**edit update** glad to see the few mentally well men on here who don't seek to trap a partner but the point of this thread is red flags and financial dependence is one when it happens in certain context. just wanting to promote the action of looking deeper into the situation and not just trust someone's word. i witnessed it myself my whole life and have a partner who can't stand the thought of me making more than him and he's a nice guy on paper. i want to work, i miss work, but he owns two vehicles for himself (one is a sport bike i cannot operate the other he takes to work daily) and has done nothing to help me get back into a car since mine broke down. we often scrape by while he said to me in the beginning "don't worry about money, you dont have to work for now, i can take care of you", then complains that we are a single income home, then when i ask for support in establishing work at home he clams up. my laptop broke and he bought a $500 xbox...so it is clear where his priorities are vs my needs as a partner. he wants me to be home, not equal. only after i moved across country to support his job and left my family network did he begin to complain about his ex getting a job and her "attitude" that came with making $15k/year when he makes over $50k. had i known his "support" was actually sabotage i would have stayed where i was. i am taking steps on my own to change the situation.
i just thought it was odd the actual men of reddit did not bring this up because everyone sure likes to bring up love bombing but not the money issues.
Stephanie Did It 2 years ago
My experience is the opposite. He said not to expect him to support me just because we were getting married. I said fine, I was supporting myself before we met, so that didn't present a problem. Until I had a major heart attack and triple bypass followed by an infected sternal wound which incapacitated me for a year. He waited until I recovered enough to live fairly normally and then ordered me to move out because he didn't sign up to be a caregiver.
#29
If he says “all my ex’s are crazy” and tells you stories about all of them where he’s always the victim. Run!
#30
If a guy is doing the minimum of what you want in a long term relationship at the beginning, it’s going to be well below your standards after a few years.
I would expect about half of what you see in the first year.
#31
If they behave like they know everything. Change is certainly not their cup of tea.
#32
This one is extremely obvious, yet I've seen dozens of women still make the same mistake:
**If he's rude, selfish and possessive** ***before*** **you're dating, he will** ***NOT*** **change once you start dating.**
I don't know why so many women think that a man will "have an epiphany" and become better once they get in a relationship.
People VERY RARELY change.
#33
Not sure if this is more universal, though Reddit will correct me:
If you have a guy friend and they say that another guy gives off weird vibes or only wants one thing, consider their opinion. Many of us have a sense about these things.
Chich 2 years ago
Years ago had a friend who would make fun of his GF when she was not around. A large part of it was being young and trying to 'fit in with the guys'. They eventually broke up and later he really got interested in this very sweet girl. I knew her and told her what I had seen. He took her rejection pretty hard and blames me for part of it but it did give him a wake up call.
#34
When he looks to you as his sole source of happiness, entertainment.
This usually means that they lack the ability to manage their own emotions or have healthy coping mechanisms. In addition, if you are in it for the long term, there will be times that you will get sick of each other and a guy needs some hobbies that can take his attention away to give you space. This can be an open door for manipulation.
Dre Mosley 2 years ago
You don't want a clingy man. Relying on a person for your own happiness is a bad idea.
#35
If he believes relationships without arguments or screaming matches are doomed for lack of passion, he probably hasn’t learned to communicate in a healthy way.
#36
If what he loves about you is how you make him feel and/or the things you do for him rather than who you are, what you like, your goals and shared interests.
Jro308 2 years ago (edited)
This was my experience, I told him I didn't think he loved me just what I did for him and that any woman would fit the bill as long as she took care of him. He insisted that was not true, went to counseling and the counselor asked him what he loved about me and he started listing off things I did for him, counselor stopped him and said no what is it about her that you love and he stumbled and couldn't answer. I left shortly after that.
#37
If you end up cooking, cleaning, and doing the laundry, you have a child.
My roommate, who id never f**k, expects me to do all this s**t for him and I don't have to wonder why he's alone.
I'm a guy, btw.
#38
If he's a selfish lover in bed, he'll likely be a selfish partner in life.
#40
No one mentioned doing menial tasks like laundry or unloading the dishwasher solely for being rewarded with sex.
Stephanie Did It 2 years ago
Sex should never be offered as a reward nor withheld as a penalty by either partner, ever. It is not a commodity.
#41
Men aren’t nearly as complicated as women want them to be.
Listen to their words. Take note of their actions. Notice what they don’t do and don’t say.
I’ve always had female friends and it blows my mind how often women seem to believe that an a*****e is just pretending and there’s actually prince in there waiting to come out.
#42
Men who make fun of the way someone looks , especially older men . Many guys do this when they are young and obnoxious but most grow out of it . You can have the thought that someone is butt ugly , but you keep it to yourself . Or at least you should . Takes maturity and the realization that people are born who they are, and not all of them are eye candy. It’s gross for the person on the receiving end, and it makes the guy saying it look like a mean spirited d**k.
#43
The men who are 40 plus but still act like they are just fresh out of high school. Spend money like it’s no tomorrow without a plan for the future. Looks at every girl as a score or a fun time , flakes on you for games or to hang with the bros and thinks of his own self over you.
Chich 2 years ago
I knew a guy (late 30s) who took his wife to the hospital to deliver their first child. Stayed with her a few hours and then left for a fishing trip with his buds because "we've been planning it for a long time". At least he says nothing bad about her but he can't understand why he is now divorced.
#44
Acholholics are not the best bet
Rahul Pawa 2 years ago
Could probably be generalized to "addicts are not the best bet." There's a heck of a lot more addictions than alcohol. I'd stay away from any kind of addict if possible.
#45
A green flag to look for is long term friendships. Long term friends require good communication skills and emotional intelligence. It's also a pretty good indicator that they're willing to compromise for someone's emotional needs.
Swoosh Loops 2 years ago
My(f20) husband and I were good friends from the age of 12 , we started dating when we were 17, and will have been married for a year December 28th:) he went to basic training and we picked right back up when he had a little access to his phone in AIT. We watched girlfriends (I only ever dated girls) come and go for years, never a thought expressed that we should date until age 17!
#46
When you have to cater to his needs/wants over your own with no compromise. It can be something as only watching shows that he wants or doing things only he wants to do or ordering takeout that only he likes.
Lisa H 2 years ago
And big stuff, like moving to a different city because he wants to and is going to, with or without you. Remember, you are still two people, but you share one life, if that makes sense. The one life that you two share also means your input and desires matter, too. If he's unwilling to find a compromise that makes you both happy, then he's too selfish for your own good.
#47
If he doesn't want to talk about awkward stuff while you are dating, then he might not want to talk about awkward problems in the relationship.
EDIT: It is interesting how people make their own interpretation of things. I never gave any definition of "awkward," nor did I specify any timelines, but some folks seem to cherry pick the definitions they want, so they can discount this.
Unfortunately, it doesn't change the core concept. If you are dating someone, and they have stinky socks they leave lying around (instead of going into the laundry), that's an awkward topic. If one person talks about how much they want to be a parent to their own biological kids, and the other knows they don't want children, that's an awkward topic.
Humans do have a tendency to try to avoid stuff that makes them uncomfortable, or scares them. We tend to hope problems will go away if we leave them alone. I've talked to a lot of friends who got divorced, who thought their partner would change after marriage.
You don't need to give your intimate autobiography on a first date, but if you see an obvious issue, like the children example, there's no point in waiting a while to point it out.
BeepBeepBoopBoop 2 years ago
yea if one person wants children and the other doesn't... I don't think that's gonna work my dude
#48
When a man talks way more than they listen.
Agent 8433599 2 years ago
Personally, i kinda think that this depends on context. Like if he's super social, or if he has a bunch of friends or something. IDK
#49
If he has kids that he's not allowed to see...
Crazy catz 2 years ago
I actually disagree on this one, I have a friend that stopped her kids seeing their dad because he got into another relationship, mothers can be just as toxic, it isn't always the dads fault
#50
If they don't like dinosaurs.
What do you think ?
XenoMurph 2 years ago
I used to know a bloke who would interrupt his GF all the time. Some thought would pop into his head and he would just say it even if he she was midsentence. It was very disrespectful to her. One day someone pointed it out. He was devastated, he just hadn't realised he was doing it. He loved his GF, 20 years and 3 kids later, he loves his wife. And is still overly polite when she speaks, for those of us who knew him back then it's kinda cute ot see after all this time. Some things are not red flags, some things are just people being imperfect and thoughtless. And they will get more socially and emotionally able as time goes on. I don't want to imagine how many little things I do that some person might see as a red flag. And I bet most people reading this will have some too.
Lauren Caswell 2 years ago
Disclaimer: I'm saying this before I have to see it, due to recent trends. This is a list of messages from men, about men, written as advice for women. Yes we know men experience this. https://www.respect.uk.net/articles/international-men-s-day-supporting-male-victims-of-domestic-abuse You are free to publish your own articles here should you wish to represent this. As a side note, I like to see this kind of cooperation/helpfulness from men in general. It is a heartening reminder than despite gender/s@x, we are all people. Looking out for each other, im glad to see it still happens.
The crushinator 2 years ago
I told him i didn't feel any chemistry and he turned me into a newt!!
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XenoMurph 2 years ago
I used to know a bloke who would interrupt his GF all the time. Some thought would pop into his head and he would just say it even if he she was midsentence. It was very disrespectful to her. One day someone pointed it out. He was devastated, he just hadn't realised he was doing it. He loved his GF, 20 years and 3 kids later, he loves his wife. And is still overly polite when she speaks, for those of us who knew him back then it's kinda cute ot see after all this time. Some things are not red flags, some things are just people being imperfect and thoughtless. And they will get more socially and emotionally able as time goes on. I don't want to imagine how many little things I do that some person might see as a red flag. And I bet most people reading this will have some too.
Lauren Caswell 2 years ago
Disclaimer: I'm saying this before I have to see it, due to recent trends. This is a list of messages from men, about men, written as advice for women. Yes we know men experience this. https://www.respect.uk.net/articles/international-men-s-day-supporting-male-victims-of-domestic-abuse You are free to publish your own articles here should you wish to represent this. As a side note, I like to see this kind of cooperation/helpfulness from men in general. It is a heartening reminder than despite gender/s@x, we are all people. Looking out for each other, im glad to see it still happens.
The crushinator 2 years ago
I told him i didn't feel any chemistry and he turned me into a newt!!
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