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Ex-Wife Of Ultra-Religious Hasidic Husband Reveals Strict Rules She Had To Follow During Intimacy
An Orthodox Jewish author detailed her journey of being a closeted lesbian woman who married an emotionally unavailable husband and then ended her loveless marriage.
In her debut memoir Kissing Girls on Shabbat, the therapist, writer, and speaker revealed the strict rules of intimacy she was expected to follow when she was a young Hasidic bride.
Highlights
- Sara Glass grew up in an ultra-religious Jewish family in Borough Park, Brooklyn and married a Hasidic man
- Despite her devout upbringing, Sara fell in love with another woman at 19 and kept the relationship a secret
- In her memoir, Sara revealed the strict rules of intimacy she had to follow as a Hasidic bride, including performing the act in pitch darkness
- Sara struggled with her sexual identity during her marriage and suppressed her true self while trying to fulfill her roles as wife and mother
Sara Glass, 39, grew up as “Malka” and was raised to be an ultra-religious Jewish woman from the insular Borough Park neighborhood in Brooklyn.
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Sara Glass was raised as “Malka” in an ultra-religious Jewish family and never watched television or listened to popular American music
Image credits: drsaraglass
Image credits: drsaraglass
Her entire life was planned around the ultra-religious Jewish community’s expectations, focusing on faith, family, and duty.
Watching television or listening to popular music were in no way a part of her routine. But by the age of 19, she found herself falling in love with another young woman named Dassa, who was also raised in a conservative and protective home like her own.
“We did not know what to think about the way we craved one another, about the way I kept asking her to sneak into my bedroom at night, where we threw our clothes to the side of my bed and fused together, skin on skin,” she wrote in an article published by the Daily Mail. “After several months of feeling completely out of control, we both figured we needed a bit more information.”
For more clarity on their situation, Dassa phoned their rabbi and asked him if two women were allowed to physically touch each other in an intimate way.
Despite her religious devotion, the then-teenager fell in love with another equally devout woman and kept the relationship hidden
Image credits: drsaraglass
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“The rabbi said that for men it would have been a very bad sin, but for women, it was merely disgusting. Still, he noted, that should we penetrate each other with an object, ‘like a cucumber or something,’ we would cross the line to actual sin,” wrote the New York-based therapist.
“We had received a nisayon, the rabbi said – a test from God. He offered Dassa a blessing for the strength to withstand it,” she added.
Sara recalled how her “naive” 19-year-old self wanted to pass the “test from God,” and in order to do that, she decided to meet Yossi, the God-fearing man that her family decided was a suitable match for her.
By the age of 19, she married a devout Hasidic man and tried to settle into the life of a devoted wife and mother
Image credits: Google Books
Image credits: Dr. Sara Glass
At the time, the memoirist firmly believed that her ultimate purpose in life was to be a devoted wife and mother. So, she went on a few dates with Yossi, as orchestrated by her matchmaker.
They discussed raising pious children on the very first date and were engaged within three weeks.
“My second round of sex education began,” she wrote in her article. “I began to attend ‘bride classes’ with a woman who taught me about the Jewish laws related to marital intimacy. I was to avoid touching my husband for two weeks out of every month, during my period and the seven days afterward.”
“I was to swipe a white cloth inside of my vagina for each of those seven days, and then hold it to the light to make sure it was clean and blood-free,” she continued. “Then, I was to dunk in a ritual pool called a mikvah, while a religious woman would watch to ensure that my entire naked body was submerged in the water, after which she could pronounce me ‘pure’ and send me home to my husband. That all seemed fine to me. I was ready to do what God wanted, to perform the holy act of intimacy.”
The young Jewish woman was taught that she had to follow strict rules of intimacy and perform the act in pitch darkness. She was instructed to engage in “something called the ‘missionary position.’”
The rules also forbade her husband from laying eyes on her private parts or putting his mouth anywhere near them.
Author of Kissing Girls on Shabbat, the New York-based therapist spoke about the rules of sexual intimacy she was meant to follow strictly with her husband
Image credits: Dr. Sara Glass
Image credits: Dr. Sara Glass
After breaking off her affair with Dassa and accepting the role of a young bride, the author tied the knot with Yossi and tried to fulfill her duties as a wife.
She became a mother to two children—Avigdor and Shira (who now go by Victor and Jordan)—and all the while, she suppressed her feelings of being a closeted lesbian.
One of the saving graces during her marriage was being able to attend classes at the Rutgers University School of Social Work. She had to get special rabbinic permission to pursue her degree, and there, she began mingling with female students wearing short shorts and mini tops.
When professors brought films about gay rights to class or when peers spoke about sexual intimacy as something that can be enjoyed, her repressed attraction toward women would undergo moments of turmoil.
“My professors seemed to believe that the holy act of intimacy was something a lot more profane, something that could happen at nightclubs and among unmarried people, and, most shocking of all, they believed it could be pleasurable,” she wrote for the Daily Mail. “They mulled over the mistreatment of gay men in our society and advocated for equal, free love. I thought they were heathens.”
“It was ten years and many painful experiences later when I decided that being holy was no longer working, and if that meant that I, too, was a heathen, then so be it. I was done sacrificing my body for God, done serving as a vessel for his will,” she continued.
Throughout her marriage, Sara grappled with her sexual identity, trying to fulfill her roles as a wife and mother while secretly acknowledging her closeted self
Image credits: Dr. Sara Glass
Image credits: drsaraglass
One Google search later, the mother-of-two found herself at the Stonewall Inn, the “gayest spot” she could find in the city outside her community. There, she sipped on a drink while surrounded by “women with short barber haircuts, women in baggy cargo pants and bare belly buttons, women who smirked back at me, welcomed me, dared me.”
“’Wanna dance?’ a caramel-skinned woman leaned close to my ear,” she wrote. “I let her pull me up as if it were a normal Saturday night for me, as if her hand around my waist was the most natural thing in the world. I felt her hips against mine, and her gentle movements made my legs seem almost graceful as they stepped with hers.”
Surrounded by rainbow flags and the voice of Lady Gaga filling the air, she felt “something like heaven” and eventually decided to set herself free.
“Once I knew, truly knew that I was gay, I set myself free. I moved myself and my children out of the enclave of my Jewish community in Brooklyn’s Borough Park and out to Manhattan, where we have lived for the past seven years,” she wrote.
After years of living a conflicted life, the therapist, writer, and speaker embraced her sexuality and is living an authentic life
Image credits: drsaraglass
“Now, I get to kiss women out in the city streets and to hang rainbow flags on my fridge,” she added.
Finally, the 39-year-old mother of two is living life on her own terms, and she is also dedicating her time to supporting others on their own journey of discovering themselves and their sexuality.
“The most important sex education we will ever receive is from our own bodies,” she concluded her article with her most hard-won piece of wisdom. “Deep down, we already know how we feel within our relationships, how we react to various scents and sounds and requests. It is up to us to tune in, to listen to what our bodies are saying, and to believe ourselves.”
A reader of the memoir Kissing Girls on Shabbat called the book a “powerful record of a sacred journey of self-discovery, honesty and integrity”
What do you think ?
cerinamroth 6 months ago
I agree with the anger all of your comments are expressing here, but for a little perspective - and in *no way* minimising this woman's terrible experiences - I would like to point out that most Jews are not like this!! Just as most Christians and Muslims are moderate. We just hear about the crazies because they make the headlines and sell the books/Netflix deals. I do get a bit disheartened with the main narrative people are familiar with about Jews is Ashkenazi Haredi Judaism. Most people these days seem to think of the Haredim as the "authentic Jews" when in actual fact Haredi Judaism is a 20th century development.
David 6 months ago
Haredi Judaism is not a 20th Century Development but a 18th Century Rebranding to counter the new Reform movement. It is the oldest practiced form of Judaism today that claims heritage to the post Temple Era Rabbinic Judaism movement of the late 1st Century CE. Reform is a 18th Century development that has roots in the late 17th Century, but doesnt truly come into its own until the 19th Century. Modern Orthodoxy was a movement of the late 19th Century to keep all the traditionalism but in the modern era. Your understanding of Jewish history is incorrect- Sincerely a Person with a Masters in History and a Doctorate of Jewish Theological Studies
Load More Replies...
David 6 months ago
1) None of these are "Secrets" literally the Chabad movement has this on their website in great details for years about Judaism and intimacy. There even was a best selling book promoted by Oprah on Hasidic views on intimacy and Sex called "Kosher Sex" back in 1999! Even more so, if you know Hebrew you can read any of the texts on this, nothing is secret or hidden, and never has been. 2) A lot of what she talks about also applies to the men, and some things like permission for college, aside from most Hasidic groups require both men and women to get degrees, in the Hasidic community 2x more women get degrees than men (In fact Hasidic girls high schools perform at the top of the charts in secular education according to data, while many Hasidic boys schools cut off secular ed after 8th grade).
David 6 months ago
3) This seems to be part of a trend of ex-Hasidic people write books to make money off of people's ignorance about the Hasidic world (and several high profile books, including one they made a TV show about that turned out to be more fiction that fact), I have not read this book, but it seems to be following that trend. 4) Why do we only focus on those with bad experiences? Why not focus on women in the Hasidic community who are leaders like New York Supreme Court Judge Ruchie Frier, the only Hasidic Judge in America (https://www.instagram.com/myjli/reel/C8muzx4xNdI/), or Dr. Alexandra Friedman (https://mishpacha.com/mommys-in-med-school/), one of several known Hasidic women Doctors (and one who graduated valedictorian of her Medical School, while being a married mother), or what about Anne Neuberger, NSA's director of cybersecurity and Member of Biden's Security Council who is a Hasidic Woman (https://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/anne-neuberger) and so much more.
Load More Replies... cerinamroth 6 months ago
I agree with the anger all of your comments are expressing here, but for a little perspective - and in *no way* minimising this woman's terrible experiences - I would like to point out that most Jews are not like this!! Just as most Christians and Muslims are moderate. We just hear about the crazies because they make the headlines and sell the books/Netflix deals. I do get a bit disheartened with the main narrative people are familiar with about Jews is Ashkenazi Haredi Judaism. Most people these days seem to think of the Haredim as the "authentic Jews" when in actual fact Haredi Judaism is a 20th century development.
David 6 months ago
Haredi Judaism is not a 20th Century Development but a 18th Century Rebranding to counter the new Reform movement. It is the oldest practiced form of Judaism today that claims heritage to the post Temple Era Rabbinic Judaism movement of the late 1st Century CE. Reform is a 18th Century development that has roots in the late 17th Century, but doesnt truly come into its own until the 19th Century. Modern Orthodoxy was a movement of the late 19th Century to keep all the traditionalism but in the modern era. Your understanding of Jewish history is incorrect- Sincerely a Person with a Masters in History and a Doctorate of Jewish Theological Studies
Load More Replies... David 6 months ago
1) None of these are "Secrets" literally the Chabad movement has this on their website in great details for years about Judaism and intimacy. There even was a best selling book promoted by Oprah on Hasidic views on intimacy and Sex called "Kosher Sex" back in 1999! Even more so, if you know Hebrew you can read any of the texts on this, nothing is secret or hidden, and never has been. 2) A lot of what she talks about also applies to the men, and some things like permission for college, aside from most Hasidic groups require both men and women to get degrees, in the Hasidic community 2x more women get degrees than men (In fact Hasidic girls high schools perform at the top of the charts in secular education according to data, while many Hasidic boys schools cut off secular ed after 8th grade).
David 6 months ago
3) This seems to be part of a trend of ex-Hasidic people write books to make money off of people's ignorance about the Hasidic world (and several high profile books, including one they made a TV show about that turned out to be more fiction that fact), I have not read this book, but it seems to be following that trend. 4) Why do we only focus on those with bad experiences? Why not focus on women in the Hasidic community who are leaders like New York Supreme Court Judge Ruchie Frier, the only Hasidic Judge in America (https://www.instagram.com/myjli/reel/C8muzx4xNdI/), or Dr. Alexandra Friedman (https://mishpacha.com/mommys-in-med-school/), one of several known Hasidic women Doctors (and one who graduated valedictorian of her Medical School, while being a married mother), or what about Anne Neuberger, NSA's director of cybersecurity and Member of Biden's Security Council who is a Hasidic Woman (https://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/anne-neuberger) and so much more.
Load More Replies...
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