Woman Writes A Detailed Plan For Anyone Who’s Trying To Escape An Abusive Partner

Thank you Adam. I truly hadn't thought about that and I shared a "missing" post this morning. I will be a lot more circumspect in future.

I messed up with this one. I help track down local teens and stuff who go missing by using phone records and what not. A few months ago a couple I babysit for posted that the wife was missing. I found her within hours thinking something bad had happened. Come to find out, she was running from him 😔 but she left her kids with him so I wouldn’t have thought, ya know. The man convinced me he was scared she was abducted

11. do NOT rely on the charities to follow-through with their offers of action. The number of times I heard staff saying they "forgot" to follow through with offers of help, was horrendous. FOLLOW UP with them!!! Confirm WHEN they will let you know - day and time. Call them back within 1 hr of that deadline. If they can't give you a deadline, assume nothing will happen, because your safety is more important than politely waiting for them and hearing nothing.

and lastly - if someone shows their controlling / evil / aggressive side... believe them the first time. If it's a surprise, totally out of left-field (we've all been surprised by someone whose personality changed overnight)... BELIEVE THEM TOO!! Notice that it's THEIR behaviour. As they say "once you recognise 'crazy'.... take note, and CROSS THE STREET". Because your safety is ALWAYS more important, than trying to figure out what you can 'do differently' to 'make them better' (because one person can't *make* someone else 'better'). Be kind to YOU. Take care of yourself. <3 <3 <3

10. Shelters, will not consider helping you, unless you're either a) noticeably hurt, b) noticeably traumatised, c) already homeless. Again, if you have your name on the lease, and your keys work - they will outrightly refuse to help, because you legally "have somewhere to stay". So, effectively, you MUST be "on the streets" before they'll even talk to you, let alone give you somewhere to stay. Again - be prepared for that reality. Knowing this extra challenge, means you can be prepared, including sleeping bags, pillows, and pre-planning somewhere safe to sleep on the streets, while you are waiting for the shelter to become available.

5. If it's your flatmate who is the abusive person, you will fall through the cracks ie the police consider it a "civil" matter, NOT a DV matter. If you're both on the lease, you CAN'T leave / break the lease, without 'choosing' to be legally liable to breaking the lease. You also can't change the locks - because you'll be proactively opening yourself to be sued by them. it's also near impossible to then try to get a new flatmate, because the abuser needs to formally notify the Real Estate Agency that they're no longer on the lease, in order for you to legally be able to get a new flatmate. If they don't notify the agency, you're stuck in this awful middle-ground of not being able to get new flatmates, while not being able to get the abuser off the lease, while also not being able to break the lease without financial repercussions.

9. Even if charities are willing to help you, there is often a delay in them being able to *meet* you, for weeks, sometimes months. Be prepared for this reality.

8. If you are not noticeably, emotionally traumatised when going in to talk to charities / shelters / police - they will be less likely to believe you, to the point of saying "well, you're very calm for someone who is claiming to be scared...". So, if you have any kind of 'social pride', keep a 'stiff upper lip', or try to 'keep it together' .... they will think you're just being dramatic, and doing it for attention. So, be willing to show that terror / vulnerability, because if you don't - in their eyes, you're wasting their time.

3. if you have a pet, the MAJORITY of shelters will not take you. They MAY call a group like the RSPCA... but it can take WEEKS for a space to become available for your pet to be cared for, and often, it is at a cost.

1. In Australia, while legally "Domestic Abuse" is regarding *anyone* within a domestic living arrangement, sadly, *many* charities / DV groups will only help you if they're your sexual partner. I had many ask me "are you sleeping with them? (no) Then sorry, it's not DV - so we aren't going to help you".

4. If you're renting, & your name is on the lease, shelters consider you to "have safe accommodation available", because 'legally', it's your place. (was told that by DOZENS of shelters / groups / police, when looking to escape)

MOST PRODUCTIVE SOLUTION FOR THE FUTURE, THAT I'VE FOUND: (this is with the goal of not being in such a situation again / if you're able to use time, to get yourself ready) ONE: find cheap accommodation, however far out of the centre of town as needed. Sometimes, living on the outskirts of town, and paying 1/3 to 1/4 of the more central rent, is worth having to travel longer to get into town. TWO: do NOT mention the DV situation. I've seen people get a new place, and immediately prior to signing the lease, they've acknowledged the DV situation, then have the offer revoked. Seriously bad behaviour by the Real Estate Agent - but a common one. THREE: have enough saved to cover deposit, bond (security deposit), 3 months rent, hiring movers (or a van), food for 3 months, bills for 3 months, credit for your mobile (cell) phone, public transport (or petrol for your car) for the 3 months. FOUR: have a suitcase for each family member with clothes for 3 days.

7. if the threats are ongoing, but there is no physical evidence (bruises, cuts etc)... and you go to the police as this are escalating... they will give you warning, that they will NOT help you, as you are now "wasting their time". This is even moreso, if the abuser is not your sexual partner (yes, it's like being caught in the 1920's all over again!). If you ignore that 'warning', they will simply start to ignore you / postpone speaking with you, while you're in their office.

2. if they're only "threatening" you regarding the future (eg if you don't do ABC, you'll cop it), the majority of the time, the police will do nothing. Because a "threat" about future stuff, is not an immediate threat, and it's not caused bodily harm). They will only take action if the threat is imminent (ie you're locked in the bathroom, calling them on your mobile phone, terrified)

6. if it's a guest who is the abusive person, and they're refusing to leave... you are in an even worse situation. If they have given you ANY money (even $1), legally speaking, they can now be considered as your tenants. So, if you have your name on the lease, they are now legally considered to be subletting. If you don't have permission to "sub-let" the flat, and you go to your real estate agent for help, this situation can mean the Real Estate agent can evict you for "breach of contract". It also means any Tenancy Rights groups will not help you, because you're the "landlord" and they only help "tenants" (even though legally you're the tenant of the property).

but you normally do need an escape plan. Leaving an abusive person is TERRIFYING and if you dont plan it out correctly it can go very south . Kudos to this woman for the list!

as with everything in life - we must want the change first, before the change can happen. Let's hope that all those who are not willing to accept the DV situation & WANT to get out, are able to. Sadly, I've known many people within my life (from childhood, onwards), whose identity is more tied to appeasing the abuser, than their identity is tied to their safety, or the safety of their children. Horrendous - but sadly, very true.