My wife accused me of being a terrible lawyer.

I couldn’t defend myself.

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Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly: Did you steal the car?"

Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning. I’m beginning to think I didn’t."

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The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.

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How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?

Other lawyers look interested.

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Why are there no Irish lawyers?

They can’t pass the bar.

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What’s the difference between a cat and a lawyer? One is an arrogant creature who will ignore you and treat you with contempt unless it can get something out of you. The other is a household pet.

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Procrastinating Panda

Procrastinating Panda

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ngl, they had me in the first part.

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A man asks his Solicitor: "If I give you £400, will you answer two questions for me?"

The solicitor replies: "Absolutely! What’s the second question?"

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Kona Pake

Kona Pake

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Now’s the time to walk away.

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Lawyer, speaking to a dog on trial for murder: "Who’s a good boy? "

Dog: "I am."

Lawyer: "Your honor, I rest my case."

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*Displayname*=idk

*Displayname*=idk

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Good doggo!

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How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.

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When an attorney gets married, they don’t say, “I do.” They say, “I accept the terms and conditions."

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Kona Pake

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“ with these exceptions…”

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The judge charged the attorney who killed her yoga instructor with pre-meditated murder.

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A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, “Is there a criminal attorney in town?” To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, “Yeah, but we can’t prove it yet!”

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What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.

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Kona Pake

Kona Pake

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It’s never legal to shoot a lawyer but you can buy a permit to shoot a buffalo.

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Do you know how copper wire was invented?

Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.

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What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?

All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.

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Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

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Jacob Nunez

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“Take this as a professional curtesy” -John Wick

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If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take to keep a lawyer away?

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Kona Pake

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It depends upon how many you can throw at him.

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What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them, but you never see them.

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Scott Crowell

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I object! I've seen a UFO!

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Where do vampires learn to suck blood?

Law school.

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Me, as a lawyer: "BUT, your honor, I Googled it twice."

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Kona Pake

Kona Pake

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I guess he didn’t Google Westlaw.

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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course — the other three are mythological creatures.

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How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?

Just say, “Fees!”

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Kona Pake

Kona Pake

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Are you sure it’s not, “Sexxxx ?”

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What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t chase ambulances?

Retired.

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What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A Doberman Pinscher.

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Kona Pake

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I think he’d look better with a pitbull on him.

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There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.

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Kona Pake

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“Yes, your honor, daddy.”

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The semicolon who committed the neighborhood robberies was administered two consecutive sentences by the lawyer.

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The golden retriever didn't make any money at his first law firm. He only worked on pro-bone-o cases.

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A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said. 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

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What happened to the banker who went to law school?

Now she’s a loan shark.

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What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common? Both have a big head that consists mainly of mouth.

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Why don’t lawyers play hide-and-seek?

Nobody will look for them.

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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can’t understand.

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My attorneys have advised me I not yell timber, even if it’s going down.

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Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door. “Hi, my name is Billy,” he says. “What’s yours?” “Tommy,” replied the other. “My daddy’s an accountant,” says Billy. “What does your daddy do?” “He’s a lawyer,” Tommy answers. “Honest?” asks Billy. “No, just the regular kind.”

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Did you hear about the man who sued an airline company after it mislaid his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

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A surgeon, an architect and a lawyer are having a heated pub discussion about which of their professions is actually the oldest.
The surgeon says: “Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can’t go back further than that.” The architect says: “Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can’t go back any further than THAT!” The lawyer smiles and says: “Gentlemen, Gentlemen, who do you think created the CHAOS??!!”

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"Lawyers occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened." – Winston Churchill

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When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?

Because deep down, they are all nice guys.

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Abraham Lincoln never had to call for a lawyer because he was already in a cent.

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The lawyer had to move his cow because it got a mooing violation.

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When chickens graduate from law school they become legal tenders.

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My friend, a lawyer, stole my tuxedo after my wedding. I'm filing a lawsuit against him tomorrow morning.

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A photograph hurriedly rushed into his attorney's office and screamed, "I think someone is framing me!".

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My father was a lawyer for 25 years before he went to culinary school. Now, he's a sue chef.

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Alligators make good lawyers because they are efficient a-litigators.

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Why did the elephant lawyer lose his case?

Because his argument was irrele-phant.

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What did the lawyer do to get convicted of first-degree murder?

Start his free trial.

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What do barristers always keep with themselves to smell good?

A judge-mint.

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Kona Pake

Kona Pake

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That covers the bad breath, now what about the rest of the body?

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Why did the law student go to court wearing a shirt with no sleeves?

Because he had the right to bare arms.

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Kona Pake

Kona Pake

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Only in the US.

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What do law students need to make any event a success?

At least two parties.

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Why didn't the shabby law student pass his final exams?

He didn't make a good appearance.

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How did the young law student end up scoring the best grades in her class?

She closely studied her flaws.

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A lawyer was holding his briefcase whilst cross-examining the witness, eventually, he rested his case.

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A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 55." "Fifty-five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you're 82." "How'd you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, "We added up your timesheets."

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Kona Pake

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I object…

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One day in Contract Law class, the professor asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind, and seeds, anything hereinbefore or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding."

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What did the lawyer name his daughter?

"Sue!"

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The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 130.”

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A defendant who had pleaded guilty saw the jury that had been empaneled, and he announced that he was changing his plea to guilty. When the judge asked why, the defendant pointed to the eight women and four men in the jury box. “When I pleaded ‘not guilty,’ I didn’t know women would be on the jury. Judge, I can’t fool even one woman, so I know I can’t fool eight of them.”

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Arguing with a lawyer is like wrestling with a pig in mud — sooner or later, you realize they like it.

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A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having sex with a beautiful woman. “What a rip-off,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman.” Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

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Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one, “Let’s be honest with each other." “Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

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Prosecutor: "What were you doing on July 15 at 9 o’clock in the evening?"

Prisoner: "I was eating a hamburger."

Prosecutor: "What were you doing at 9:30 p.m.?"

Prisoner: I was taking bicarbonate of soda.

Prosecutor: "Do you expect us to believe you?"

Prisoner: "You would if you had eaten one of those hamburgers."

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What’s the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?

Jewelry.

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What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law.

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What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

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Why is it so common for attorneys to be lost in thought?

Unfamiliar territory.

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Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?

Not enough sand.

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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.

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What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

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What do lawyers do after dates?

They lie still.

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I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.” “You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.

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During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, “Just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox.” The doctor decides he’ll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

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A group of dinner guests was blaming all of America’s troubles on lawyers when a woman said, “They aren’t all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1,000.” “I don’t believe it,” the host responded. “It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.”

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Lawyer: "May I approach the bench?"

Judge: "You may."

Lawyer: *walks up and whispers* "The other guy is being, like, super mean right now."

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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

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Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

It’s called Sosumi.

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What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.

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What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?

A great place to start.

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What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has a dirt bag on the inside.

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Don't judge a law book by its cover up.

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A lawyer was apprehended outside of his house for not staying in bed, as mandated by the high court. "Stop, you're under a-rest", exclaimed the policeman.

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The lawyer won the luggage lawsuit in less than 6 hours. It turned out to be a brief case.

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My lawyer went to a rock concert last night and injured his eardrum. He called me this morning to tell me that he couldn't attend today's hearing.

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The bulb was relieved when his lawyer told him that he'd only been charged with a light sentence.

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The barrister was late to work because he couldn't find his lawsuit.

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Why did the lawyer have so much trouble fighting Santa's case?

He came with a clause.

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What did the divorce law student want to name his firm?

Null and void.

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Why was the law student not allowed to sleep on the bench?

He was served a bench warrant.

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Why did the law student not come back to court after paying his fees?

He didn't have a personal bond.

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Why did the airline win the case against the law student?

He forgot his arguments in the brief.

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Why is it illegal for lawyers to sleep with their clients?

It prevents people being charged twice for essentially the same service.

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Why did God make rats before making lawyers?

He needed the practice.

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Early one winter's morn a lawyer walks out to his front lawn and experiences the dew process.

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Did you hear about the lawyer who sued the funeral company over the coffin?

It was an open and shut case.

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As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."

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At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."

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The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been working on for so long!" His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that case for ten years!"

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How many lawyer jokes are in existence?

Only three. All the rest are true stories.

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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.” “Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

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A millionaire informs his attorney, “I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death.” “Why such an odd stipulation?” asked the attorney. “Because I want someone to be sorry I died!” came the reply.

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“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?” “Well, your Honor,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”

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A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” “You are the lawyer,” says the policeman. “Exactly, so where’s my present?” replies the lawyer.

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Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. “You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?” The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, “Do you know what will happen if you don’t tell the truth?” The client looked back and said, “I imagine that our side will win.”

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Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?

You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.

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A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he’s had enough. The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you — what’s with the pocket business?” The man replied, “I have my lawyer’s pictures in there. When he starts to look honest, I’ve had enough.”

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Why did the lawyer’s chicken cross the road?

He had an easement.

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What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?

A whine cellar.

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Mrs. Applebee, the 6th-grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes: “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest of the charity. Now, what does each get?” After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, “A lawyer!”

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Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processors?

No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

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Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site?

Because the plumbers might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

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A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "I’m sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I’m not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I’ll have to get back to you then.” He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, “Now, what can I do for you?” “Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m here to hook up your phone.”

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Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: “Justice prevailed.” The senior partner replied in haste: “Appeal immediately.”

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“I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.” “Why do you say that?” “Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'”

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Two lawyers walking through the woods spot a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opens his briefcase, pulls out a pair of sneakers, and puts them on. The second lawyer looks at him and says, “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!” “I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replies. “I’ only have to outrun you.”

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What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they’re boring.

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Lawyers are like: "I wish you a happy day but in no way guarantee you one."

*escapes liability*

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What’s the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?

The vulture doesn’t take its wingtips off at night.

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A paralegal, associate, and partner walked to lunch through a city park. They found an old lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted each of them one wish. The paralegal said, “I want to be in the Bahamas on a sailboat with Brad Pitt!” Poof, she was gone. The associate said, “I want to be in Hawaii on the beach with a Mai Tai and a hula dancer!” Poof, he was gone. The partner said, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

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If a lawyer is talking in the forest and there is no one around to hear him, can he still bill for it?

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A lawyer calls his client to tell him about the fee schedule. “Alright,” the lawyer says, looking through his papers. “You owe me $1,000 down and $417.58 each month for the next 36 months.” “What?! That sounds like a car payment schedule,” retorted the client. “You’re right,” the lawyer replied. “It’s mine.”

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Warning signs you might need a different lawyer:

– Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser. – When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
– Your lawyer picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
– Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
– A prison guard is shaving your head.

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Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.

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Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.

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An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, “We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?” “I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. “It was easy,” said the patient, “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”

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What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.

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A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. “A judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!”

Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyer's favor. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. “Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponent's business card with them.”

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A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got £25 between us.” The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers, we had £100 when we broke in!”

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A lawyer passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodation. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only option was to appeal. The lawyer immediately said that he intended to appeal, but was then told he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was ridiculous, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days if the lawyer was willing to change the venue to Hell. When the lawyer asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, “We have all of the judges.”

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A lawyer was sitting in his office late one night when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.” The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips move.

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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

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