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Lawyers aren't funny. Except for, maybe, Saul Goodman, but he's more of a crook than a lawyer, which leaves nobody to rely on for entertainment in the world of law. Without getting too much into stereotypes, I think we can all agree that lawyers usually have a sense of humor that's as dry as an asphalt road over the driest place on earth, which is Kufra, Libya. That dry. Moreover, they usually seem pretty soulless - a perk for their job, but a con in real life - and unempathetic, which makes them seem, well, a bit inhuman. Again, those are just personal observations and agreed-upon stereotypes, and there's always an exception to the rule, but, as you are about to see, our collection of lawyer jokes is mainly based on exactly those three qualities. And you know what they say - there's always a grain of truth in every joke!
If we've agreed that lawyers' humor is usually pretty dry, you won't, however, find anything dry and bitter about these hilarious jokes! In fact, it seems that the stiffer the topic, the funnier the jokes come out to be. And law jokes are a really good example of the theory - they're anything but bland, boring, and bleak but rather the nicest combo of ironic, bittersweet, and clever. Just try and read them without smirking!
So, if you are ready, let us present you with our directory of only the best lawyer jokes found on the internet. If you wish to, add in your own silly jokes in the comments section, I guess we all have a few of those stashed somewhere when it comes to law! Also, do not forget to give your vote to the nicest jokes you find and share this article with other law-abiding citizens that you know.
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#2
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly: Did you steal the car?"
Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning. I’m beginning to think I didn’t."
#6
What’s the difference between a cat and a lawyer? One is an arrogant creature who will ignore you and treat you with contempt unless it can get something out of you. The other is a household pet.
#7
A man asks his Solicitor: "If I give you £400, will you answer two questions for me?"
The solicitor replies: "Absolutely! What’s the second question?"
#8
Lawyer, speaking to a dog on trial for murder: "Who’s a good boy? "
Dog: "I am."
Lawyer: "Your honor, I rest my case."
#9
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they’d rather keep their clients in the dark.
#10
When an attorney gets married, they don’t say, “I do.” They say, “I accept the terms and conditions."
#12
A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, “Is there a criminal attorney in town?” To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, “Yeah, but we can’t prove it yet!”
#13
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
#15
What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.
#16
Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
#17
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take to keep a lawyer away?
#18
What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them, but you never see them.
#20
Me, as a lawyer: "BUT, your honor, I Googled it twice."
#21
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course — the other three are mythological creatures.
#22
How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?
Just say, “Fees!”
#25
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.
#26
The semicolon who committed the neighborhood robberies was administered two consecutive sentences by the lawyer.
#27
The golden retriever didn't make any money at his first law firm. He only worked on pro-bone-o cases.
#28
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said. 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
#30
What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common? Both have a big head that consists mainly of mouth.
#34
Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door. “Hi, my name is Billy,” he says. “What’s yours?” “Tommy,” replied the other. “My daddy’s an accountant,” says Billy. “What does your daddy do?” “He’s a lawyer,” Tommy answers. “Honest?” asks Billy. “No, just the regular kind.”
#35
Did you hear about the man who sued an airline company after it mislaid his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.
#36
A surgeon, an architect and a lawyer are having a heated pub discussion about which of their professions is actually the oldest.
The surgeon says: “Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can’t go back further than that.” The architect says: “Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can’t go back any further than THAT!” The lawyer smiles and says: “Gentlemen, Gentlemen, who do you think created the CHAOS??!!”
#37
"Lawyers occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened." – Winston Churchill
#38
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because deep down, they are all nice guys.
#42
My friend, a lawyer, stole my tuxedo after my wedding. I'm filing a lawsuit against him tomorrow morning.
#43
A photograph hurriedly rushed into his attorney's office and screamed, "I think someone is framing me!".
#44
My father was a lawyer for 25 years before he went to culinary school. Now, he's a sue chef.
#48
What do barristers always keep with themselves to smell good?
A judge-mint.
#49
Why did the law student go to court wearing a shirt with no sleeves?
Because he had the right to bare arms.
#52
How did the young law student end up scoring the best grades in her class?
She closely studied her flaws.
#53
A lawyer was holding his briefcase whilst cross-examining the witness, eventually, he rested his case.
#54
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 55." "Fifty-five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you're 82." "How'd you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter, "We added up your timesheets."
#55
One day in Contract Law class, the professor asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind, and seeds, anything hereinbefore or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding."
#57
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 130.”
#58
A defendant who had pleaded guilty saw the jury that had been empaneled, and he announced that he was changing his plea to guilty. When the judge asked why, the defendant pointed to the eight women and four men in the jury box. “When I pleaded ‘not guilty,’ I didn’t know women would be on the jury. Judge, I can’t fool even one woman, so I know I can’t fool eight of them.”
#59
Arguing with a lawyer is like wrestling with a pig in mud — sooner or later, you realize they like it.
#60
A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having sex with a beautiful woman. “What a rip-off,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman.” Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
#61
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one, “Let’s be honest with each other." “Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
#62
Prosecutor: "What were you doing on July 15 at 9 o’clock in the evening?"
Prisoner: "I was eating a hamburger."
Prosecutor: "What were you doing at 9:30 p.m.?"
Prisoner: I was taking bicarbonate of soda.
Prosecutor: "Do you expect us to believe you?"
Prisoner: "You would if you had eaten one of those hamburgers."
#65
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.
#71
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.” “You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.
#72
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, “Just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox.” The doctor decides he’ll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
#73
A group of dinner guests was blaming all of America’s troubles on lawyers when a woman said, “They aren’t all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1,000.” “I don’t believe it,” the host responded. “It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.”
#74
Lawyer: "May I approach the bench?"
Judge: "You may."
Lawyer: *walks up and whispers* "The other guy is being, like, super mean right now."
#75
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
#76
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It’s called Sosumi.
#77
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.
#79
What’s the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer riding a motorcycle?
The vacuum cleaner has a dirt bag on the inside.
#81
A lawyer was apprehended outside of his house for not staying in bed, as mandated by the high court. "Stop, you're under a-rest", exclaimed the policeman.
#83
My lawyer went to a rock concert last night and injured his eardrum. He called me this morning to tell me that he couldn't attend today's hearing.
#84
The bulb was relieved when his lawyer told him that he'd only been charged with a light sentence.
#89
Why did the law student not come back to court after paying his fees?
He didn't have a personal bond.
#90
Why did the airline win the case against the law student?
He forgot his arguments in the brief.
#91
Why is it illegal for lawyers to sleep with their clients?
It prevents people being charged twice for essentially the same service.
#93
Early one winter's morn a lawyer walks out to his front lawn and experiences the dew process.
#94
Did you hear about the lawyer who sued the funeral company over the coffin?
It was an open and shut case.
#95
As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."
#96
At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."
#97
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been working on for so long!" His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that case for ten years!"
#99
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.” “Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
#100
A millionaire informs his attorney, “I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death.” “Why such an odd stipulation?” asked the attorney. “Because I want someone to be sorry I died!” came the reply.
#101
“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?” “Well, your Honor,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”
#102
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” “You are the lawyer,” says the policeman. “Exactly, so where’s my present?” replies the lawyer.
#103
Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. “You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?” The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, “Do you know what will happen if you don’t tell the truth?” The client looked back and said, “I imagine that our side will win.”
#104
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.
#105
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he’s had enough. The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you — what’s with the pocket business?” The man replied, “I have my lawyer’s pictures in there. When he starts to look honest, I’ve had enough.”
#108
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th-grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes: “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest of the charity. Now, what does each get?” After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, “A lawyer!”
#109
Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processors?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
#110
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site?
Because the plumbers might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
#111
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "I’m sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I’m not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I’ll have to get back to you then.” He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, “Now, what can I do for you?” “Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m here to hook up your phone.”
#112
Many years ago, a junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: “Justice prevailed.” The senior partner replied in haste: “Appeal immediately.”
#113
“I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.” “Why do you say that?” “Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'”
#114
Two lawyers walking through the woods spot a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opens his briefcase, pulls out a pair of sneakers, and puts them on. The second lawyer looks at him and says, “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!” “I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replies. “I’ only have to outrun you.”
#116
Lawyers are like: "I wish you a happy day but in no way guarantee you one."
*escapes liability*
#117
What’s the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn’t take its wingtips off at night.
#118
A paralegal, associate, and partner walked to lunch through a city park. They found an old lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted each of them one wish. The paralegal said, “I want to be in the Bahamas on a sailboat with Brad Pitt!” Poof, she was gone. The associate said, “I want to be in Hawaii on the beach with a Mai Tai and a hula dancer!” Poof, he was gone. The partner said, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
#119
If a lawyer is talking in the forest and there is no one around to hear him, can he still bill for it?
#120
A lawyer calls his client to tell him about the fee schedule. “Alright,” the lawyer says, looking through his papers. “You owe me $1,000 down and $417.58 each month for the next 36 months.” “What?! That sounds like a car payment schedule,” retorted the client. “You’re right,” the lawyer replied. “It’s mine.”
#121
Warning signs you might need a different lawyer:
– Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser. – When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
– Your lawyer picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
– Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
– A prison guard is shaving your head.
#122
Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.
#123
Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.
#124
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, “We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?” “I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. “It was easy,” said the patient, “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”
#126
A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. “A judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!”
Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyer's favor. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. “Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponent's business card with them.”
#127
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got £25 between us.” The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers, we had £100 when we broke in!”
#128
A lawyer passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodation. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only option was to appeal. The lawyer immediately said that he intended to appeal, but was then told he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was ridiculous, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days if the lawyer was willing to change the venue to Hell. When the lawyer asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, “We have all of the judges.”
#129
A lawyer was sitting in his office late one night when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.” The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”
#134
A lawyer went to his local restaurant to wind down after a complicated trial. "What would you like with your orange juice?", the waiter asked. "Just ice", he replied.
#136
My friend had to call his lawyer because his neighbor's hair was littered all over his property. Turns out, his neighbor got booked for trespassing.
#137
My wife's parents ran away from the cops after having a hefty argument. They're now my out-laws.
#138
A lawyer got summoned to court for drying his clothes on the edge of a cliff. The judge warned him and gave him a suspended sentence.
#139
A lawyer got her last name changed to Demenor, so now everyone in the law office calls her Miss Demenor.
#143
What do poets always keep in their car to avoid paying legal fees to a lawyer?
A poetic license.
#144
Why wasn't the convicted law student able to go back to his apartment?
Because he didn't get re-leased.
#146
What is the difference between speed humps and lawyers?
People slow down in their car when approaching speed humps.
#147
The lawyer was having difficulty reading the small print on some legal docs, so his doctor prescribed some contract lenses.
#148
Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the Reptile House at the zoo, and there were snakes slithering all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tried everything but couldn’t get the slippery animals back into their cages. Finally, he yelled, “Quick, call a lawyer!” “A lawyer? Why?” “We need someone who speaks their language.”
#149
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Sure do,” replied the bartender. “Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my gator.”
#150
Two lawyers are in a bank when, suddenly, two armed robbers burst in. While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall and proceeds to take their wallets, watches and other valuables. The first lawyer shoves something into the other one’s hand. “What is this?” the latter asks without looking. “It’s that $100 I owe you.”
#151
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?” The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.” The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”
#152
A personal injury lawyer was on vacation in a small rural town. While walking through the streets, he spotted a car that had just been involved in an accident. As expected, a large crowd gathered. Going by instinct, the attorney was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn’t get near the car. Being very clever, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.” The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
#153
A lawyer was so large that, when he died, the undertaker couldn’t find a coffin big enough to hold the body. So, the undertaker gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
#154
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
#155
An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she says, “Would you say you’re honest?” “Honest?” replies Peterson. “Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.” “Impressive. And what sort of case was that?” “Dad sued me for the money.”
#156
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz and, after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. “Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.” “Why?” asked the judge. “He won your acquittal. What do you want him arrested for?” “Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the care I stole.”
#157
A lawyer, who was talking to his son about entering college, said, “What go into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of lawyer?” “Well, Dad,” answered the son, “Did you ever hear anybody get up in a crowd and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?'”
#158
What’s the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.
#159
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, Captain,” came the reply. “Except for one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
#160
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. “Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor. “Sure, after the police leave,” replied the lawyer.
#161
A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm. The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So, what’s the catch?”
#162
Lawyer: "My client is trapped inside a penny."
Judge: "What?"
Lawyer: "He’s in a cent."
Judge: "You’re going to jail with him."
#163
How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
#164
In a court
Lawyer: "Did u kill him?"
Me: "No."
Lawyer: "You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?"
Me: *lips on the mic* "Much less than murder."
#165
Lawyer: *whispers* I did the murder. *loudly* Read that back?
Stenographer: “I did the murder.”
Judge: "Omg the stenographer just confessed."
#166
What’s the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
The vulture doesn’t get frequent flyer miles!
#167
A lawyer, a used car salesman, and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, “In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there.” They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred-dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
#168
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman. “What a rip-off,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman.” Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
#169
An elderly man, 82, was told by his doctors that he didn’t have long to live. So he summons the three most important people in his life, his Doctor, his Priest, and his Lawyer, and says: “Well, today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I asked you three here because you're the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favor. Today I am going to give each of you an envelope with £50,000 in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave.”
Well a few days later the man passed on, and the doctor said, “I have to admit I kept £10,000 of his money, he owed me lots of private medical bills. But I threw the other £40,000 in.” The Priest said, “I have to admit also I kept £25,000 for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in.” The Lawyer just couldn’t believe what he was hearing, “I am surprised at you two. I wrote a cheque for the whole amount and threw it in.”
#170
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
#171
Rodney sat in his attorney’s office. “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the attorney asked. “Give me the bad news first,” said Rodney. “Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,” said the attorney. “That’s the bad news?” asked Rodney incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.” “It’s of you and your mistress,” replied the attorney.
#173
The jellyfish asked his father, an attorney, "Dad, why did that clownfish go to prison?". "Well, because he was gill-tea", replied his father.
#174
What do most lawyers wear to work?
Lawsuits.
flash gordon 1 year ago
Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? A: Cats keep kicking sand over them.
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