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According to a 2022 survey of 3,757 American parents, roughly as many people say they are trying to raise their children in a similar way to how they were raised (43%) as say they are trying to raise them differently (44%).
However, fathers are a bit more likely to fall into the first category (47%) than the second (40%). In contrast, mothers tend to lean towards raising their kids differently from how they were raised (48%) rather than replicating their own upbringing (40%).
Interested in the topic, Reddit user Georgecollison made a post on the platform, asking, "Those of you who swore, 'When I grow up and have kids, I'll be nothing like my parents,' how did that work out for you?"
As of now, it has 857 comments, many of which feature a diverse range of experiences. Here are the most upvoted ones.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
My husband & I swore we wouldn’t repeat our parents ‘ mistakes, and so far we haven’t. We made completely new ones.
BlackestDawn 1 year ago
No parent will ever be completely free from doing mistakes, so how good of a parent you are includes how you handle those mistakes and how much you learn from them.
RELATED:
#2
My mom often told me that she didn’t want to be like Grandma and she turned out to be cruel, abusive, manipulative mom exactly like Grandma.
I also don’t want to be cruel, abusive, manipulative mom like my mom, so I don’t have kid. Better end this cycle of abuse with me.
#3
I pay attention to my son, take an interest in him and what he says, and show that I love and care about him. So, it's working out pretty well compared to my childhood.
#4
Growing up, I always swore that I’d never get married and I’d never have kids. Many people told me that I’d change my mind. I’ve never married or had kids and I’m happy as can be. I do what I want, when I want and it’s nice.
#5
I apologise freely to my child when I get it wrong, we always have McDonald’s money, he has lots of lovely days out and he’s completely loved and adored. I hope he thinks I’m doing a good job.
Alexandra 1 year ago
Unfortunately, doing a good job as a parent also includes doing things that your child doesn't particularly like and might rebel at. I understand that every parent would love to be told by their child/children that they were a good parent, but there will be times that you will be called a bad parent only to be told a year or so later that you've done a good job culminating in your child asking you for advice when they have children of their own.
#6
Turns out, I'm my parents 2.0 - now with added features! I find myself using phrases I swore I'd never say, and I've developed a strange fascination with thermostats. Who knew that 'Don't touch the thermostat' would be my catchphrase?
#7
Amazing,
I have a fantastic relationship with all my kids.
I've never used violence as a punishment, I've never belittled them or made them feel small.
Now I've got polite friendly children who are loved by all they meet.
It's not difficult to raise a child with love and kindness it's mad, the massive difference between my childhood and my kids.
I was hit by a car at 7 years old and yes it was my own fault but I wouldn't dream of leaving a 7 year old unattended, let alone letting them wander the streets until dark.
Happy Homemaker 1 year ago
All of this. I had a violent, alcoholic, abusive father, a birth mother who had mental health issues and was emotionally unstable and physically abusive and a stepmother who hated my guts and would be occasionally physically abusive, but mostly psychologically abusive. My daughter knew that she was loved and wanted every second of every day and she was raised with empathy and compassion and respect for others. She is now one of the sweetest, kindest people I’ve ever had the pleasure of having in my life and I’m incredibly proud of her and grateful to have her. In a weird way, she saved me. I didn’t want to be here anymore and she gave me a purpose and 7 years ago, I died of a heat stroke and she called medical services and saved me a second time. I don’t know what I’d do without her.
#8
I chose not to have kids. That way I also avoided my mother’s “I hope someday your kids are as disrespectful as you are” curse.
#9
I grew up with two narcissistic screamers. I am still tormented by my memories. I swore never to be like that. And I’m not. My daughter (10) and I never yell. We are close and respect one another. She is always complimented on her empathy by teachers and is at the top of her class. It works! Family curses can be reversed.
#10
Well I never beat my daughter with her own hockey stick so pretty good.
#11
It’s hard. Breaking generational trauma is difficult. But I’ve put in a lot of work and went to therapy. I think I’m doing pretty good at being a different kind of parent.
#12
Pretty well actually. Both my kids know that I love them unconditionally and they seem to believe that they deserve love and are worthy of it.
#13
It's given me empathy for my parents' failures because they are just people and I can see where the behaviors may have come from. Saying that, it doesn't mean I'm not still trying to do it better. My kids deserve the best of me. I'm also imperfect, but I'm trying to give them the best childhood I can. I think it's going well.
#14
Well, let's just say my 'I'll never be like my parents' pledge has aged as well as a milk carton left out in the sun. Turns out, 'because I said so' is a legit reason, and 8 PM is indeed a fantastic bedtime. Who knew?
#15
I ended up going TOO far in not wanting to be my parents who were emotionally neglectful, physically abusive and too strict, that I still kinda became my parents in a way. I never said no to my child, gave him few boundaries, always put his feelings and wants and interests first and did everything for him out of fear of him ending up with the same struggles in adulthood as I did, out of fear of him feeling what I felt. As a result, my son grew up developing a whole different set of issues, even though I thought I did everything right. Because you know: at least I wasnt my parents! I needed (and still need) lots of therapy to handle my own demons first. To educate myself on how the human mind works and and how generational trauma works. I had to relearn how to raise a child in a healthy, balanced way. It was extremely hard to admit to myself I was failing as a parent and ask for help/therapy but it is almost impossible to break a previous cycle of trauma without it.
#16
Great! My kids are healthy, happy and needed significantly less therapy than I did. So I call that a win.
#17
The woman who birthed me was a m*th addict. My bio dad was in and out of prison. I was the oldest of my siblings so I pretty much raised them and at 18 I did have custody of the two younger ones. Our child Hoodia hell when we were with our mom. I swore my kids would have it better My oldest was never obligated to take care of her siblings or forced to do my chores. I have never done meth or anything hard. I have never left my children in a car for hours to go gamble or do drugs in some creeps house. I've never even had so much as a speeding ticket. I've never pulled my child out of bed at 3 in the morning screaming and hitting them "cause they talked s**t" I've never hit my babies for anything. I've never called them bad words or insulted them. Never made them clean up my vomit or bathe me. I tell them how much they mean to me. I make sure I am present for them in everything. I've sat through every dance class and recitals, every boxing class, every choir concert, every home fashion show. I've been next to them every moment they were sick and done everything to help them feel better even when I'm sick too. I've stayed up late to make sure a last minute school project is complete. They are my children, I brought them into this world so it is my responsibility to help them grow up in a loving environment, to teach them, to instill kindness in them, to make them humans I will be proud to call friend when they grow into adults. I know I haven't been perfect but I know I've done a hell of a lot better than the two humans that made me.
Kimbowa 1 year ago
Good for you, sounds like you had a really rough childhood and it’s great that you are correcting many things and parenting much differently. Generational trauma like yours seems like it must be very difficult to repair/change. Sometimes it isn’t easy to be a good parent and it sounds like your mother couldn’t handle it for many reasons. Keep up the good work.
#18
I did a lot of things the exact opposite of my parents when I had my daughter. To this day, my mother asks me why she & I aren’t as close as my daughter & I. Well, let’s see…….maybe because I don’t harbor a grudge for everything my child does differently than I do. She goes her own way and is a fully-functioning adult, so…….I am proud of her rather than point out what she is doing “wrong”.
#19
It worked out great! I stopped a cycle of many generations of abuse. My daughter grew up feeling safe, loved, wanted and supported by a mother who treasures her existence. ❤️
#20
My mother wouldn’t get me braces for my horrible crooked teeth. My kid has braces now. My mother refused to let me get my license. My kid will have it the day he turns 16. Anytime I was excited about an accomplishment? There was someone she knows whose kid could do it better. I don’t downplay my kid’s excitement for anything.
SadieCat17 (she/her) 1 year ago
It's absolutely psychotic that the states let literal children drive several ton death machines. No one should have a license at 16.
#21
Well as someone who learned young not to go to my parents for anything because they never took my side, I stayed true to that promise. No matter what bad things happened to me, it was always my own fault. My kids are adults now. They've always come to me with problems. I made it a point to treat them as individuals when they were kids. Not my property or things that had to obey or else. Was I disappointed when boy got sh**faced at 16? Kinda. But then I remembered what I was doing at that age. Went and picked him up and let the hangover be his punishment.so glad he didn't try to stagger home at 2 am like I felt I had to.
#22
I don't smoke (at all/with my kids in the car), I don't keep my kids up till 1 am to drive home drunk and I support their education and encourage them instead of ignoring them.
I'm doing much better than my parents.
sleepy-kitty1234<3 11 months ago
Good for you. :D Hope your kids understand how glad they should be to not have your parents. And how grateful they should be for an amazing parent like you. :'D Dang! Starting to make me teary-eyed!
#23
Great. I went to therapy and really worked at not being like my parents. My mom notices and has said on multiple occasions she wishes she was more like me when she was raising my sister and I. I'd say I succeeded.
#24
It's working out really well. My kids are thoughtful, sweet, intelligent, funny and kind little humans. My teenager is respectful, but brave enough to stand up for what he believes in.
#25
My child is a toddler and I’m far more patient, and I do everything I can to make sure my child feels safe and loved because I know how important that is.
#26
Really good! My dad was an abusive narcissist and my mom his enabler. I’ve been in therapy doing the hard work of breaking generational trauma. My kids are growing up with confidence, aren’t afraid to be themselves, and ultimately show us that we’re their safe place (as parents). In contrast, I grew up with severe mental health issues, was bullied at school and home, and entered adulthood basically afraid of my own shadow. I have cptsd as an adult, yay. But my kids are thriving and that’s all that matters.
#27
I found that my parents were both trying to “not be like their parents” as well. They broke generational trauma and yet left me some work to do on my own to break it for my own kids. I have tendencies of both my parents and yet have also parented in my own style which is exactly what they did. LOL.
I’m forever grateful to them for their strength and dedication to the family, something I didn’t see when was swearing to never be like them.
#28
It worked out like this - I have 3 high schoolers. All on honor roll. All in multiple varsity sports. All do volunteer work. All in multiple clubs (ie D&D, cooking etc)All 3 are happy a majority of the time.
My childhood? I tried to hang myself twice at the age of five.
I would say doing everything opposite of my parents is working out just fine, thank you.
#29
So far so good. If I'm wrong, I admit it. If I did something that negatively affected my kids, I apologize. I don't give my kids the silent treatment if I'm mad or upset. I talk with them to go over how we view the situation and what we need to do to fix the issue.
I'm interested in my kids and their passions. I don't use that to tease them about it. I support them in the ways they need for their hobbies.
It's been a very active process to break the generational trauma and make sure they don't experience my childhood. Not perfect but at least I have a good relationship with my kids. Unlike my parents who are in a need to know basis and get general updates on my life.
#30
It's like I downloaded a 'Parenting App' directly from my mom and dad's brains. I've caught myself saying 'because I'm your mother, that's why' more times than I can count. And guess what? My living room is now a no-food zone. History repeats itself, but with more WiFi.
What do you think ?
Weasel Wise 1 year ago
My husband and I are childfree, having chosen to not carry on our families' legacies of abuse, poor mental health, addiction, neglect, poverty.....one vasectomy later, we are doing AMAZING!
Mental Liberals 1 year ago
There's a HUGE difference in parents personalities rubbing off on their kids. Yes, you can notice and try to correct. However, when parents are malicious in their actions, then it's another story! My ex's mom degraded her, talked down to her, was controlling and manipulative. The ex still thinks her mom is her god...So sad at 60 to not accept or acknowledge was done to her. Now, she's just a 60 yo victim blaming everyone else - like me who has many flaws that I not only acknowledge, but work on...Oh well!
Sean Sean 1 year ago
I came from an abusive home, but I still wanted to have kids because I knew deep down I wasn't going to turn out like my dad. He basically taught me how not to behave, through his own abusive behavior. But here I am at 52, still single. Apparently I'm a really nice guy but just a friend. Meanwhile the last woman that told me this is in the hospital right now, because her new husband beat her because she got a flat tire. Apparently she should have seen the nail (or something) in the road. He did get arrested this time BTW.
Weasel Wise 1 year ago
My husband and I are childfree, having chosen to not carry on our families' legacies of abuse, poor mental health, addiction, neglect, poverty.....one vasectomy later, we are doing AMAZING!
Mental Liberals 1 year ago
There's a HUGE difference in parents personalities rubbing off on their kids. Yes, you can notice and try to correct. However, when parents are malicious in their actions, then it's another story! My ex's mom degraded her, talked down to her, was controlling and manipulative. The ex still thinks her mom is her god...So sad at 60 to not accept or acknowledge was done to her. Now, she's just a 60 yo victim blaming everyone else - like me who has many flaws that I not only acknowledge, but work on...Oh well!
Sean Sean 1 year ago
I came from an abusive home, but I still wanted to have kids because I knew deep down I wasn't going to turn out like my dad. He basically taught me how not to behave, through his own abusive behavior. But here I am at 52, still single. Apparently I'm a really nice guy but just a friend. Meanwhile the last woman that told me this is in the hospital right now, because her new husband beat her because she got a flat tire. Apparently she should have seen the nail (or something) in the road. He did get arrested this time BTW.
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