Rather well, actually. I just turned 32. My parents had me at 30 (dad) and 25 (mom). Unlike them, I’ve been patient, caring, kind and my kids seem to love me. They tell me as much. On days when they descend into tantrums, I don’t yell or raise my voice. I give them space and when they’ve finally subsided I plop down next to them and ask, “what’s wrong, baby? How can we fix this?”

The other day my oldest, who is four, came up to me and took my face into her hands while I was sitting and playing with her younger sister, who is two. She looked into my eyes as she said, “daddy, you’re the best helper. You’re always there to help me! Even when I’m scared, you tell me I’m brave! I love you!”

I thanked her and started tearing up. She told me it was okay and that I didn’t need to be upset. I told her they were happy tears and she did a little dance and went about her day.

I love being a dad. Life changing experience. It even allowed me a chance to reconcile with my parents. We’re not super tight, but we’re close for the first time in my life. My father gave me a present for my birthday this past November. Can’t remember the last time he gave me a present. I try not to spoil my kids but my wife always jokes that I need to get a life because I leave to go shopping for myself and I come back with a bunch of stuff for my girls and nothing for myself. Being a parent is Not for everyone, but it suits me just fine.

Cheers, stranger!

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I have empathy for my parents struggles but I actually realized how abusive they were on another level when I had my own. Thankfully I don’t beat my kids on a ritual basis, or at all, I don’t scream and throw heavy objects at them, I don’t punch them over and over again, I don’t knock them out cold or beat them until they throw up, I don’t scream that I wished they were dead and deserve to go to hell. So I think I’m doing pretty good compared to my parents. However I have empathy for my parents, I can understand why their personality disorders and fundamentalist religion and backing from their churches to beat children would lead them down the path they chose. I wish my parents a peaceful and long life and good health, but I keep my distance. I love my kids and see them as future adults. My parents saw us as property that god gave them to keep out of hell by any means they saw fit.

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xczechr

xczechr

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When people ask "What's the harm?" point them to this right here.

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I grew up to be pretty much like my parents. Which isn't really a great thing. But I also swore off kids because I knew I'd be just like them.

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So far so good. My mom had no backbone and allowed my stepdad to take over the father role in our home when I was 3. He beat me my entire childhood while she watched. She never stopped him, would just cry in the corner. I now have two children, am in a healthy marriage and protect my children at all costs. I am not to ever be f***ed with but I’m not a bitter or mean person and I am proud of that.

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Alexandra

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Not becoming bitter or mean after those experiences is quite the feat. Well done!

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I’m the opposite of my parents! Everything I wanted my parents to be, I am as a parent. My parents weren’t attentive, encouraging, emotionally available, or supportive! They worked and when they weren’t working they were arguing. My father was controlling and mean. My mother was shut down and closed off. My son is 20, he’s grown up in a loving and open home. We talk about mental health, we offer advice but allow him to make his own decisions.
I was home to cook all the meals, went to his sports events, gave him support whenever needed. We talk about financial health, we talk about educational opportunities, how to improve his mental health, how to be a good supportive partner, etc. I’ve apologized for times I was wrong and made parenting mistakes. We have a great relationship.

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Maria Maria

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"I was home to cook all meals" is a privilege that many of us don't have due to circumstances. I'm ridden with guilt because I have to choose work over staying at home "to cook all meals", without me working there wouldn't be much to cook those meals with.

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It has worked out PERFECTLY! My husband and I have worked very hard to be like neither of our parental units and I think we did it!!

Our only child is now a very well adjusted, kind, hard working 29 year old, owns a home and is married with a child. Husband and I are still happily married after 37 years.

Our son LIKES to hang out with his mom and dad and I see or talk to him every day.

We basically just tried to do everything unlike our parents and it worked.

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My parents never took my needs into account.

Everything I’ve done since I became a mother has been analyzed from the standpoint of how it will affect my offspring.

I’ve definitely made mistakes because parenting is the most consistently difficult task I’ve undertaken. (I was in my 30s and had a MS degree with a stable career and supportive spouse when I decided to have children and it was still a challenge.)

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It's worked out great for me. I just did the opposite of what my mom and stepdad did, and I feel like I did pretty good for all involved. My kids aren't afraid of me because I don't beat them. They listen to me because I don't ignore and neglect them. I stay involved in their lives and try to help them as best I can. I never felt like it was *that* hard to be a decent parent, just showing up and not being a massive a*****e gets you pretty far. Turns out I was right.

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I am just like my dad. Not as angry or stressed out as he was but I have a lot of traits I try to recognize and nip in the butt before I do too much psychological damage.

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PattyK

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… nip in the bud …

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We listen to our kids instead of dismissing them. We take great interest in what they are pursuing, have deep conversations about the world, and actually make sure they're doing well in school. When it has been needed, they've been in therapy instead of us telling them to 'read their bible and pray.'

Both of us came from very broken homes with supremely hands off, emotionally neglectful, parents. Neither of us remember having conversations with our parents about anything happening in school, our homework, etc. It's very weird for both of us now as our kids are nearing adulthood, seeing how well rounded our kids have turned out.

This is coming from a pair of high school sweethearts who got pregnant at 16 & 18, btw! :) Still together, almost 20 years later.

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I became the parent that I needed when I was a child and teen. I am nothing like either of my parents and I'm very proud of that.

Nobody is perfect, and I don't put expectations of perfection on my children. If they make a mistake, it's just a mistake and we learn from it and grow. That's not how it was in my house when I was growing up. I'm 39 and I haven't seen anyone from my family of origin in over a decade, but I'd likely still have old mistakes (from 20 or more years ago) brought up and thrown in my face if I ever dared to have a conversation with any of them.

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My daughter is only 9 months old but I swore to myself that I would never treat her like a burden, at least not to her face. For most of my childhood my mother treated everything I did (whether it was good or bad) as a hassle, I won't treat my daughter like that.

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xczechr

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"... at least not to her face." If you do to others and it gets back to her that's not much better.

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I’ve decided to prioritize my mental health before I have kids so that I can be a complete, healthy person when I do have kids.

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I am not like my parents on the things I saw. I came from a long line of generational trauma. I never hid that fact from my kids as they aged. But they know it happened and are thankful that was not their childhood.

My adult daughter last year told me "I hate you had to go through that mom, but I am so thankful you are my mom". It makes all the work I have done on myself to be their mom worth it.

My children never had to be the adults. They never had to hide because of dangerous situations or abuse was happening in front of them. They never were hit, or emotionally abused. They were valued. They were loved. And they were respected.

They are literally the suns in my world. I have zero regrets about that.

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It's worked out pretty great tbh. One of my parents was addicted to hard drugs, and the other was extremely physically, verbally, and mentally abusive. I don't do drugs, drink, and I don't hit my child *ever* or scream or tell her she's a failure at anything. My bar was on the ground.

I'm facing challenges of my own. Staying present is a big issue for me. I have to make a very conscious effort to stay in the moment or I can easily get lost in my own head or my book or whatever it is I'm doing. No matter how tedious the talk is, I try to stay in the conversation.

I don't aim for perfection. I just want to do ok and try to leave my daughter with as few bad memories as possible. Let her know she's loved and wanted. That I have her back. Watching her grow and become the smart, well behaved, creative and resourceful kid she is has been a blessing, no matter how hard it's been.

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Not too bad. I've conversed more with my kids than I ever did with my parents. I tell them that I love them (never heard that from my father until he was in his sixties). I'm still far from perfect, but much improved.

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I raised my son, doing the opposite of what was done with me, and was successful.

No getting drunk in front of the kid, no name calling, no abuse.

We did our best, and guess what? Our son still loves us, and started out life better than I did.

I consider that a win.

Of course there are things I would have redone if I could, but for the most part i think we did well.

I do now give them credit for putting us through private middle school, which is why we were so poor until public high school. But that is one amazing thing, and there was so much bad that went on in my house. Knowing that doesn't make up for the rest of it.

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I have more patience than they did. When my dad was around he'd break s**t out of anger and my mom usually gets silent when she's upset. I tell my LO, I'm taking 5 or usually explain why they can't do something(and apparentlyi talk too much when i do this). I love being my LO's safe spot and they come cuddle whenever they want towards me. I never had that or I'd feel like I was bothering my parents space:/ so yeah so far so good😃

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xczechr

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LO? Little one? Lost omen? Loose orifice? Lovely owl?

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Going well so far but it isn't always easy. I find myself stopping me from reacting how my physically and mentally abusive parents would in some situations. I'm determined to be much better than they ever were. I also don't think of my kid as free labor so I can sit on my a*s and do nothing.

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I was one of those people. I have an extraordinary relationship with all three of my children (now adults) because I vowed I’d never be the uncaring, unloving, abusive parent as mine were.

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So far so good. Honestly feel a bit puzzled by everyone who suddenly feels empathy for their abusive parents. I feel angrier at them. I can't imagine treating my daughter the same way they treated me. All the b**ching and moaning they did about having to parent, all the times they told me they hoped someday I would have a child that made them as miserable as I made them and here we are and my daughter is my greatest blessing.

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TheBlueBitterfly

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Empathy is a hard thing to learn. You don't have to agree with their actions, only understand what drove them to act that way.

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I grew up in poverty (one parent who refused to hold a steady job and wouldn't let the other work) and while it was never an explicit "I'll never do that to my kids", it absolutely formed an unhealthy relationship with money. Yes my family has everything they need, and yes I work my a*s off to provide. Down side for me personally is that it was incredibly hard to spend any money on anything that's not an essential, until I started making way more money than we need to actually thrive. Literally 20+ years to change that mindset I grew up with. In retrospect I'll bet therapy would have helped, but you know, that costs money and my past self would never have freely spent money on it.

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I'll take this in a slightly different direction regarding the desire to be nothing like your parents. I'll skip over my childhood but suffice it to say that I had a pretty s****y relationship with my father and grew up swearing I'd not be like him.

Here's my main takeaway years later as a parent. Knowing what kind of parent you DON'T want to be doesn't really provide you with any tools. You need to have an idea of the parent that you DO want to be. If you came from a bad parenting situation, look around and find role models for the kind of parent you want to be. Talk to those people and hang around with them. Do your best to absorb lessons from them. You need good strategies to replace the bad things that you learned and internalized. Sometimes it can just be random moments from parents you only observe once. There are many things to learn all around you. Grab what you can because you need something to replace the bad stuff you're trying to throw out.

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So far I'm thankfully nothing like my parents. I have my flaws but my kids know I love and support them. I verbally tell them several times a day. Goes a long way.

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I tell my kids I love them, it’s not something I heard growing up.

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Tired Panda

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Same

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Yeah not great....very much like my mother ! However I do have more empathy and love towards my children. But I definitely have not turned out to be the parent I wanted to be. In fact I even have some sympathy to my mother now.

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Not me but my mum. Her dad was alright but she said that she wanted to be a better mum than hers.

Her mum never ever hugged them, was never really there for her, did horrible things to my mum etc.

My mum does not like affection, but she always gave us hugs when we wanted one, she was always there to listen and help us when we needed her etc. She really did break the chain and we have a great relationship.

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Kimbowa

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Good for you!

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Actually decided against kids.

Whilst I still absolutely believe my mum was abusive still (it's not really a debate, she literally used violence as the main method of punishment, amongst other issues), I still recognise that there isn't an excuse for that, I appreciate and understand her mental health issues and pressures at the time much better.

So, sure, I still wouldn't want to be anything like her.

But I also recognise enough of my own mental health issues and limitations, and in confident I'll be happier without kids anyway.

So, to answer the question directly, I think less harshly of my mum and realised I don't want kids.

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Kimbowa

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It takes a lot of maturity to try to understand your parent’s behavior. And it sounds like you’re being true to yourself.

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My mom was paranoid schizophrenic with paranoid delusions and wouldn't take meds. I am just bipolar with anxiety and depression and I take meds, so I guess I won?

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I'm okay with the idea that I'm like my mom in many ways, she was a pretty amazing woman. I have taken the best part of what my mom had to offer and fixed her shortcomings as best I've been able. I've come to realize that my kids will do the same should they choose to have kids of their own.

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TheBlueBitterfly

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Same. My mother was awesome and made great sacrifices for me (not so much my older sister, since my dad still lived st home when she was younger.) I strive to be like her.

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Considering my mother used to beat the f**k out of me and my siblings and now she sits in her home all alone, I'd say it worked out well.

My son and I talk nearly everyday, I see my grandkids at least 3-4 times a week.

My brothers kids cringe when the mention of visiting my mom comes up.

So yeah, she's getting what she wanted, left alone.

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I'm not like my parents except in attitude.
I spend a great deal of time with my kids. The adults and the teenagers, except the one who lives 500 miles away lol.
I support them in just about everything they choose to do. I'm not always happy with their choices but... IT'S THEIR LIVES.
I listen to what my children have to say, I consider their points of view and we talk about why I do, think, believe the things I do and why they don't have to just because I do.

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I didn't hit my children. I helped them pay for their first car and a lot of their college. She's an obstetrician, he's an architect and first responder.

I get to see my grandchildren unlike my parents.

Cycle broken

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Worked out great for me! All my kids still talk to me.

Academic-Ad3489 Report

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My parents were working all the time and I was basically raise by my older sister. My mom was always to tired to play with me and my dad slept all day and worked over nights so I hardly saw him. I spent a lot of time playing alone at home or watching TV when my sister wasn't there which by the time I was 8 she was basically moved out of the house and would visit every now and then.

I am a single mother and only work when my daughter is in school, I make sure to always play a game with her when she ask and to also do fun things/visit new places with her. All the things I wanted to do at her age.

I never want my daughter to feel lonely like I felt at her age. I feel like it's going really well for both of us.

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A little better. I can empathize a little with their frustration, but I'd rather still not act like they did. My kids seem like they like me. I stopped liking my mom at a very young age. Rather, I never had loving feelings toward her.

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I have a great relationship with my children.

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My daughter will need far less therapy than I currently receive. She laughs her nights away playing with online friends, has 2 jobs she really likes, and is just an all-around, well-adjusted sweetheart. I tried my best to keep this cruel world from hurting her.

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